Gramps died.

Ohhh - and I didn't get to say good-bye.  I just missed him.  They said he asked for me too.  Awwww - do you know he wasn't even my real Grandfather?  He married my Grandmother when my father was 12 and she had 2 kids.  He was the only Grandfather I knew - I mean - he was my Grandfather and my father called him Dad.  Awww - poor guy.  But he died warm in a bed and with people visiting him everyday and he lived in his own house until he was 92.  Pretty amazing right?  So anyway - such is life.  This wasn't nearly as hard as when my Grandmother died - I mean he looked like an elf at Thanksgiving - it was clear he wasn't doing so well.  This seemed to be harder on my father for some reason.  Maybe because Gramps wasn't nearly the ball buster my Grandma was.  So - well - so that was sad.  We went to the freezing cold beach yesterday and had a nice little dinner - then I went to bed at 9:30 so I could get up and be back here for the store.  You know the new year is coming in and if I could really just let go of some more resentments that would be amazing.  I'm so resentful of working here - which is crazy.  Or not - who knows.  I got on the train at &:20 this morning so I rode along the shoreline as the sun came up and when I tell you it was beautiful - it does not even do it justice.  Shockingly beautiful.  Even though I kept singing out "Cuuuunt!"  "Cuuuunt!!"  because some woman bowled me over to get the seat with the table.  Hello - there were exactly 4 of us getting on the train there was no need for running overness.  So I just kept singing that out to her and it made me feel better.  Sort of.  It also made me feel like a completely out of control douche and it made me just WISH that I could not CARE that SHE was a douche.  Let's get back to the shoreline.  The train rides along Long Island sound and because it's so cold out and it was so early - the light off the water was sooooo pretty and so simple.  I would see this beautiful marsh with little patches of water and  one bird just flying around off the water.  Or a larger body of water, the marsh and 5 birds.  Clouds, sun , crisp air - amazing.  How is it so beautiful to me?  I just absolutely love it.  "Cuuuunt!"  On another note - I hosted that show on Sunday night and it was great - wait - did I write about that already?  I love you Bluebie.  Let's have fun, and dance in 2014!!

Another show, another brunch......

Dear Lord in heaven I worked another brunch today and it was so insane. HAhahaha I got in trouble for flirting with this gorgeous gay host that works there, too much.  This kid is gorgeous and he's gay but he's smoking hot and LOVES to flirt with me.  Hugs me - stares me in the eyes - talks to me - and he's totally goofy and funny and did I mention gorgeous.  The whole package, tall, dark, handsome, funny and gay - ALL THE THINGS I LOVE.  Smoking hot body.  Um - you know if that guy wants to rub his ass on me and hug me - I'M GOING TO LET HIM.  But then my manager asked me to be professional and save it for after work.  Professional??  Haha - I just actually laughed - I mean it is a great place but it is sooooo gay and - okay - right maybe I shouldn't be pretending to fuck the gorgeous host in the ass at the water station - no matter what kind of place it is but he's so cute - I couldn't help myself.  Anyway so I had to host a show tonight after work and I wasn't expecting it and I didn't have clothes with me so I went to Whole Foods and bought a shirt, shoes and earrings.  I'm not even kidding and I looked a million times better.  That was all that was opened after my meeting and there was no way I was going to be able to host a show smelling like pancakes and feeling gross with dirty sneakers on.  I went to Lucky Burger and changed super fast in the bathroom.  It was a pretty good show.  Some people left because they had their children with them and they didn't like my blow-job joke or the first guy's joke about being a pedophile.  I just  got so tired.  I need to wake up and go see my parents and my poor Grandpa that is dying.  So tired, fighting a cold and - well - but that show was so fun - I really loved it and I did the job - I hosted and got the show over with when she wanted it to be.  AND - I got paid.  SO AWESOME.  Okay I'm starting to fall asleep.  Hopefully I will be able to write more tomorrow.  Love you Bluebie.

No hot water this morning......

and I was SO upset and I couldn't take a shower.  Do you know when I was drinking I NEVER took a shower.  Never - hardly ever and certainly not that often.  One time I didn't wear deodorant for like months - I'm not sure why - to avoid getting Alzheimer's I think - which is SO ironic since I was getting high every 2 minutes, smoking cigarettes and drinking like a fish.  Okaaaay.  So I only really smell bad in my left armpit and so I burned a hole in a bunch of my t-shirts armpits on the left side.  I was working one night at this comedy club and I backed up near this comic with my left armpit by his face and he was like "Oh My GOD - you smell like an Indian cab driver."  And he said it soooo shocked and confused and QUIETLY.  Haha - GROSS.  So today was one day where I couldn't take a shower and I was so upset!  I just got distracted - I got up and ate some hummus - oh dear God I hope that wasn't a bad idea.  Anyway I worked today and I wasn't supposed to and I went tot his meeting and in the middle of it my therapist called and asked where I was because I totally forgot to go to the therapy.  Do you know the most amazing thing?  I was at a meeting right around the corner.  Oh my God it was so crazy to me.  So awkward too because I jumped up and ran out of the meeting like a crazy person after I had already moved once to get away from a lady with such cunty energy I had to move.  I had to move!!  She was such a cunt.  That can't be nice to say.  Well I didn't say it - I got up and moved - good for me.  I saw my sisters and my niece yesterday and they watched my show and then we went to see a band play and we danced and it was sooooooooo much fun.  I am dancing this year.  I'm having fun and I'm dancing.  I have to get up and waitress brunch at 6 am.  Talk about fun!  Love you Bleubie - you are my dream.

Fun.

Okay so I made a list of goals for 2014 and one of them is to have fun.  Also I realized that that is what I want from a relationship - I want to have fun.  I saw some family tonight and we had fun.  I did a show and they came and then we went to another show and that was fun.  FUN.  I have always had this romantic, painful notion of what a relationship should be like.  The hot guy who is in emotional turmoil, I'm in turmoil - and together somehow we have fun and have a life?  EW and no and DONE.  I want to have FUN!!  What is the fucking POINT otherwise.  Dear LORD I feel like my fun is about to burst out of me.  I'm so tired - more working tomorrow - worked today and I did a good job on the show.  Yeah - and it was fun.  Maybe I should say fun one more time.  Ha.  Love you Bluebie - you're the tops.  OH ALSO WE DANCED TONIGHT!!  I'm getting a head start on my goal to DANCE.  Which is fun!  Okay bye.

Going to be positive......

even if it hurts - which it will.  I have jobs.  I have food - whatever food I want.  I have a loving family - they keep calling me even though I can't be with them which is so thoughtful and kind.  I have on new underwear and I have holiday hair.  I have a warm apartment.  I have stamps with Ray Charles on them.  I am involved in programs.  I have water.  I get to pray and meditate on a regular basis and I appreciate and love that beyond.  It has been quiet at the store today and I love that.  The delivery guy was nice to me today even though I was being grumpy, insistent, and needy.  Gross for me - yeah for him.  I have a meeting to go to tonight after work.  I have been sober for 4 years and 4 months.  A dear friend from another COUNTRY sent me a surprise gift that touched me SO MUCH.  I'm okay.  I feel very grumpy and annoyed - I have no idea even why except that more often than not - I feel that way - BUT - I know it will pass.  I also thank the good dear Lord for my sense of humor because otherwise I wouldn't be able to handle anything and also - no one would be able to handle me.  In gentleness and let-go-ness - Amen - Merry Christmas - I love you bye.

OKAY!

Let's just start with where I am - right man???  I just went to the grocery store right off the train to try and find once again the peppermint bark haagen daaz ice cream that I can't find anywhere.  So I am psychotically searching through the ice cream section and someone walked by and growled at me and it was that creepy man who rubbed me weird at that meeting.  He smiled all weird and said something weird and I said "Hi."  He said "how are you" - I said - "Yeah - good."  That was it - I was polite and short and I couldn't find the ice cream so I left.  He was standing in line and said - I'm not kidding - "Sorry I didn't mean to growl at you" - then started growling more - of course - along with some grunting - I'm not kidding and I said "Have a good night."  I got the fuck out of there and at this moment I can have compassion for him because he didn't look very well and I suppose he is not and Lord knows - I know how that is right?  I really, really do.  That being said - I can have my boundaries and take care of myself and not only that - I SHOULD.  Jesus.  I want absolutely nothing to do with that man at all.  Okay - so that's all - I was really proud of myself for not only being short but polite but even for STILL being kind as he was grunting at me in the super market.  Like a monkey - it was so bizarre.  I mean I had on my waitressing clothes - dirty sneakers - I was a mess - and I was psychotically searching through the freezer.  Okay I'm not writing about this anymore it was so annoying.  I had a decent day - I worked hard and I got myself some cute underwear.  GOOD FOR ME.  I also dry shampooed my hair this morning and that was fun.  I also took a dry shower which means I didn't take a shower and I feel super gross right now.  I tried to tell myself that in the 1800's no one took a bath for months at a time so one day is like nothing.  Turns out it's a lot.  Oh BOY.  I'm so tired and I still have 6 more days of work this week and 2 shows.  That's okay though!  2 shows is awesome!  I don't have class for 3 weeks so 2 shows is amazing.  Okay - love you Bluebie.

Sober gifts.

Last night when I was in class I thought of how terrified I was to be in that class at the beginng and how it was such a wonderful gift I have given myself that I have stayed in the class and how much it has given me in my creative life.  I mean - my acting has grown so much from being in the class - I have learned so much - such an amazing gift.  Okay then I thought about how I am sober and how I have always wanted to be sober and how I feel so blessed to also be sober.  Then I thought well - I have these things right?  I am a sober woman and I am a growing - even if slowly - artist.  These are such beautiful, wonderful, amazing gifts to have.  I don't have any material things to speak of - besides amazing bangs at the moment - but I do have more peace of mind than I have ever had in my life that I can think of.  Or - whatever - I am a sober woman who is in love with her acting teacher but at least I am becoming a much better actress because he is an excellent teacher.  To be fair I'm in love with 50 other people but still - I love him.  Haha - okay I have to go waitress brunch.  HA!  Sigh.  I love you Bluebie - bye.

Frustration.

I'm so frustrated but let me begin with the ending which is I'm home, I talked to my friend from class and I'm eating my mediocre stew.  I didn't go to McDonald's and when I was really sad on the train I thought to myself "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me or feels about me - it's what I think and feel about myself and what God feels about me."  So I know that sounds lame but it made my heart feel so much better.  I remember reading a friend's blog from years ago where she talked about soothing herself.  How she knew how to get home and make herself a baked potato and what to do to make herself feel better - in a healthy way.  It really stayed with me and I know for me at least a huge part of being healthy emotionally has been to learn to self-soothe.  This stew has gotten better actually.  I took care of myself today - got a haircut, got a manicure & a pedicure, mailed the kids presents, went to therapy, went to class.  Can you even imagine - for the life of me I just don't understand why my teacher doesn't love me.  I left class so disappointed.  In my work tonight, in his lack of love for me - I mean as a WOMAN - HA - do you know what I said to him?  We don't have class for 3 weeks and I said "Whatever will we do for 3 weeks till class starts again?"  He said "Rest, audition - whatever."  And I said "Maybe I will start dancing again in between."  And he said "Yes - dance - bye-bye."  OH MY GOD WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR???  "Whatever will we do in between classes????"  What was I trying to get him to ask me out???  YES BUT WHY - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???  Oh my God - I walked to the elevator and I was like "REALLY - maybe I will dance again?"  Fuck.  I meant go to dance class and I also meant LOVE ME YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND PASSIONATE AND AMAZING.  Most of the time.  Haha - you had to see his face - he was like okay bye I have a date see ya.  I was like well if that book He's Just Not That Into You taught me anything I can say he is not that into me.  I also felt like he wasn't even into my acting.  Ugh - really I probably just need a break.  I'm so confused.  My friend and I are writing our goals for 2014 and also what we did that was good in 2013 - what we accomplished.  So - okay - that will make me feel better.  Goals.  I'm just sad and lonely but - well - sigh - life is sad and lonely sometimes I guess.  Fuck I 'm crying but my nose tickles so is it even real?  I don't even know him my teacher - maybe he is - not good for me.  Oh boy - someone's alarm was going off in the building.  I'm going to stop writing now.  I love you Bluebie - love you true.

Well - I don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't write right now - I feel so vulnerable.  What?  I do.  It was such a hard day which seems ridiculous - I just sit there all day at the store and basically do nothing.  I cleaned up - I straightened things out - I ate, I drank water and tea.  I wrapped the kids presents and I talked to my parents.  I told my Father I forgot my phone at home and he said "Well I called you twice and you should know - no one answered your phone at home."  Ha - that made me laugh.  That and my Mother telling me she watched Inglorious Bastards and that Brad Pitt "Is actually kind of sexy."  HA - omg - yeah - kinda.  She said "Well I never really thought of him like that before."  Hahahaaa - that really made me laugh.  I'm SO SAD I'm not going home for Christmas I want to vomit.  Lord - I got sooo sad today that I almost - I'm not going to write about it.  I'm just not giving it any power.  I went that Big Book meeting again and I felt better afterwards - I really did.  It has some of the cutest guys at that meeting!  Lord.  Well I don't know - I just went to look at my friend who stayed over - her friends facebook page and she has unfriended me - her friend.  What?  I mean does this even make sense - I've never even MET her and my feelings are hurt.  Haha - I laughed a little.  I'm so fucking tender - TENDER.  Self-centered?  Tender.  Overly sensitive?  Tender.  I need to go now - I have so much to do tomorrow.  Love you Bluebie - how do you stay so true??

Oh GOD - ugh.

I'm so stressed out and exhausted.  Okay - but I'm sort of taking care of myself.  Right?  What?  I mean I waited until I got paid, paid all my bills and THEN went Christmas shopping.  Working 6 days a week is hard and I can't afford to not do that.  I'm fighting off a cold.  It's so, so , sooooo much better that I am not at the comedy club but I made more money there or - well when it was good - I made more money there.  Okay - I went to a meeting last night and I got Christmas presents.  I went home and ate my mediocre stew and I went to bed early.  I still couldn't wake up but I got to work only 10 minutes late - unshowered.  2 steps forward, one day not showered, back.  Whatever.  Okay I was on call tomorrow but Larni is going to cover it so I will have one day off which is all I need to get myself together.  I will get a haircut, sleep late and be able to take care of myself and the rest of the Christmas presents.  This is going to be hard not going home for Christmas at all.  Oh - I'm lonely and I forgot my phone at home.  I'm just out of it.  I had such a nice visit with my friend - oh my GOD!!  Talk about miracles!!  I was able to make us dinner and then I left her in my apartment so she could sleep while I went and hosted an 11:00 show - an 11:00 p.m. show and I wasn't even nervous about leaving her in my apartment!!!!  Talk about a miracle.  The show was so much fun - I was a way better host this time.  Then the next morning we had coffee and I left for work and left her in the apartment again so she could take her time getting ready.  I just was always so uncomfortable leaving anyone around my things before.  Or just embarrassed I guess also.  Anyway - it was such a joy to have her in my place - she is such a dear, sweet, funny friend.  I feel so gross right now - I need to get some fresh air.  After this woman leaves I'm going to run to the bank - get some air and sun.  Water also - I am dehydrated which always makes me feel like I am on drugs.  Ugh - okay - bye Bluebie I love you.

Poem.

Bleeding
annoyed
learned another lesson
fucking great
Oh boy.
Now I'm waiting
even more stressed out
should have never
even left the house.
Right?  No - no it's great I left the house.
Bye.

Unmanageable.

Did I even spell that correctly?  Lord have mercy - my life is unmanageable.  The first step for drunks is - 1. Came to believe that we are powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.  Is that the first step - OMG - I don't even know.  Okay - yes - that's it.  Whew - okay.  Who says whew - I don't know I guess I do.  I just don't know how to keep it all straight and listen - it's just me.  I'm so confused keeping acting, comedy (what little of it there is), my laundry, food - blah, 2 jobs straight.  I don't even know what is happening.  Okay - this is where I am going to turn to the 4 agreements.  Always do your best.  I am at this moment going to do my best and today - today I did my best.  I woke up, prayed & meditated, worked - SHOWERED - I KEEP TAKING SHOWERS AMAZING, got some groceries and flowers, went to the meeting around the corner from my house, returned 2 phone calls, heated up my newest crockpot mediocre dish and talked to my sponsor.  Now I just need to clean a little bit - that's all - just give myself 45 minutes - I can do it - right?  Go to work tomorrow at another job - oh my fucking JOB.  That's what I'm going to start saying instead of oh my God.  OMJ.  Oh my Job.  OMJ.  I'm never going to remember this - ugh - byeeeee Bluebie I love you.  

More stew, more perception.

Larni made me laugh so hard today at work I got my period - a day early!  What the fuck?  Anyway - it was an okay day - I still love this job one million times more than the other waitressing job but I'm over being poor - I mean I am OVER IT.  That being said - I worked hard, went to a meeting and then went to Whole Foods and got stuff to make lentil, sweet potato stew in my crock pot.  I came home and made it!  I even did the dishes and took out the garbage.  So - so for less than the amount of money I paid for one order of stew from that place that always forgets my hot sauce - I just made enough stew for an entire week.  I also wanted to have something for my friend who is a vegan now.  I'm so tired.  Ugh.  I keep going.  I got mad while I was making the stew but then I remembered I WANTED to make the stew - hello - and that I LOVE to cook.  Then I was like - ugh this is so perception.  I always think I'm a victim but hello - I am not.  What?  I'm so tired - I can't think straight.  This is one thing I think for sure.  I have to do my comedy differently.  How?  I don't know - things have to be different - I need to take a different road a different approach - I need a different perception for that also.  So as an alcoholic I have a terrible perception of everything - like I guess if I were touching the elephant in the room I would always think I was touching the butt hole - right?  Do you know what I'm talking about?  Anyway - so whoa - my perception of my art also has been way off.  Okay - well - I don't know.  I mean I don't know.  Yeah I said that 5 times.  Do you know what's really weird?  I have less neck wrinkles lately.  I mean my neck looks different - less wrinkley.  I don't know - I look less old - how crazy is that?  It's amazing right?  Is it not being up till 3 in the morning at the comedy club?  Was the stress of it really so toxic that it gave me neck wrinkles or am I just more hydrated somehow?  My eyes don't leak as much either.  My eyes would leak so much the day after working there.  Just really watery eyes - for houuurs.  Good lord.  Comedy party tomorrow night.  Comedy Holiday party - I should go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Eating peanut butter out of the jar......

and it's so good.  So fucking good.  Skippy.  Who eats anything but Skippy?  I just went to Rite Aid (the grocery store was closed) and all they had was Jiff.  I literally sat there staring at the shelf for a full minute - I even read the label and had this horrible taste sense memory of the grossness of Jiff and I was like no WAY.  Then I went to the bodega - OH MY GOD IM SO BORING - I'm writing about peanut butter - holy fuck.  Oh my GOD though this Skippy is so good I'm petting my OWN hair.  COME ONE - I just couldn't chance it with Jiffy - sorry Jiffy lovers - I love Skippy.  Okaaaay - anywaaaaay.  It is so fucking cold out - 20 degrees - that's cold right?  I left the store and I was like "Okay - I'm going to be a hero to myself and show up to this orientation and go to a meeting - no one else will be there but I will be there."  Of course almost cancelling before each place and at each place there were TONS of people.  I was like "Oh - holy shit - people show the fuck up!!  Alright!!"  I even had the balls to introduce myself to people but only after other people did too.  I have to say the speaker a the meeting had on a green pants suit - like one piece from the 70's and she made jokes that weren't funny but people laughed and I tried to say thank you but the pants suit prevented me from doing that - I just couldn't.  I saw that fucking one piece green pants suit and I was like "oh boy - no no I'm just going to have to go."  Then this other guy was talking about - WHO THE FUCK KNOWS what - moisture in his mouth and being present and we were all designed for this one moment and I just wanted to scream "SHUT THE FUUUUCKKK UUPPP!"  Oh my dear God - am I ever going to be able to listen to people be open and vulnerable without wanting to stab them in the throat?  I don't know - I'm such a turd I just don't get that.  I mean he's probably totally right and I'm just not evolved but there is a part of me that gets upset when people talk about sobriety in trippy, druggy ways.  I mean - I always wanted to be so "Yeah man - peace - for sure - yeaaaah - looove."  But drugs just made me implode or explode or trip out like a douche bag.  So I guess I get upset when people seem like they are talking hippy talk in sobriety.  But also maybe he's newly sober right?  Maybe that's what he needed to say and maybe what he said really helped someone.  It helped me to have something to write about.  If I had to really guess he's probably in love with someone who goes there and that's who he was "talking" to.  I just imagined that girl in the green pants suit cremeing the fuck out of her pants suit.  So I guess that it's nice people in sobriety find each other.  He was SO CUTE - holy shit but he started talking and I was like oh boy - ohhhhhh no sir - nopeity nope nope.  I need to find some sarcastic - what?  Oh hot guy.  Who isn't a douche.  Great - I have a goal.  I love you Bluebie bye.

Anyway - 5 minutes later......

she doesn't control how I feel - I do and the reality is I've been having a hard time all week and maybe at a different time it wouldn't have bothered me as much.  Dear GOD - seriously I'm clearly not over this yet!!  I have to poop.  Bye.

I HAD A REALIZATION!!!!!!

Hahahaaa - oh my GOD and it's probably the same one I have had 50 times.  I got my ass out of bed today, prayed and meditatedish (I was having way trouble with that today) and got ready and got out the door early enough to go pick up my check from the new job and to the store - EARLY.  Then I got right to work finishing everything from yesterday and I sent Tawnie Looner a message asking her to send my pay stubs to my house since they always go to her.  I'm so embarrassed to say I was just afraid to ask for them.  She pays me direct deposit and I have no idea why she gets them but - well I just sort of tapped out of taking responsibility for that.  But today - I took the responsibility and then - ugh - whatever.  I was on time and it occurred to me that I would have probably been late today and I would have left already to go to the bank and blah, blah, blah.  MY REAL POINT (HERE WE GOOO!!!) is that if I were doing my job correctly and not fucking off then maybe I wouldn't have gotten so overly sensitive to her yesterday.  I mean did I really expect heaps of praise because I'm doing my job for once?  Or for that matter - was I really expecting her to be BALANCED - EVER?  So - SO LOOK HOW MUCH I HAVE GROWN.  Ugh - I need to get my period stat.  Hahaha - byeeeeeee.

I just emotionally ate the rest of my stew.

I'm not even kidding.  Holy shitballs the owner of the store - have I ever given her a name - she needs a name - what rhymes with saber tooth?  Saber Poof?  Satin Goof?  Batshit Roof?  She's got these teeth that she talks out of the side - oh dear GOD - any fucking way - she came into the store twice today and the second time she came in she got really mad at me and made me cry.  Somehow I managed to not destroy anything or quit or send her a message - or any of the other things I wanted to do.  I went to a meeting and shared about it but didn't really feel better but here's where this lame ass story of me being a victim of some nut bag cunt on the upper east side (again) actually gets interesting.  I called my sponsor and she talked me through doing this 4th step on her where at the end of it - I change my mind about my story in my head that always happens.  WHAT?  How confusing is that sentence?  So I always think I'm a victim of the nut bag cunt - right?  But I'm not - this is how she is and I don't have to work there and I don't have to put a title on myself because of her.  I can move on and grow and me taking a shit on the floor and then dropping the keys off to her doorman with a note that says "GO FUCK YOURSELF" will only hurt me.  Am I making any sense?  Probably not but I feel so much better after working with my sponsor so that's great.  I feel like I have a different perception on what happened and that's what I really need in my brain - a different perception.  UGH - I'm SO DONE being a victim - seriously.  I just ate 2 huge bowls of beef stew and I feel so gross.  Or full - I just feel full.  I'm going to shove an ice cream cone on top.  What's her name?  Cunt Bag?  Can I just call her that?  That's not very creative.  Lawy Torn.  What?  No.  Tawry Loon.  Tawry Loon.  Her name is Tawry Loon.  Tawnie Loon for short.  Tawnie Looner.  Haha - that is making me laugh.  Tawnie Looner.  I'm going to practice doing an impression of her.  RIGHT NOW BYE.

Okay - this day got better.

I woke up after a horrible drinking dream that just went on and on - and it was like a dream in a drea - awful.  I was sad - it's the anniversary of the awful thing and - well - that was so hard.  It's still hard I just somehow got my shit together enough to do a LOT of recovery work and I took care of myself - drank a ton of water and listened to 2 phone meetings and I am going to go to one meeting as soon as I get out of work.  I'm going to go home after that and cook some food and rest.  Get my shit together.  Get a good night's sleep.  Okay - so that's all.  I was so, so, sososoooooo grateful to have this job to wake up for today.  To get clean and showered for, and out of the house.  What a blessing.  You know it was freezing today and I was like "Oh boy - I better wear those big ugly pants with tights underneath them - I'm cold and I feel gross."  Then at the last minute I put on tights - STILL and cute pants.  I mean I almost made the CHOICE to choose pants that would make me feel like crap.  Do you know what else?  THESE PANTS ARE WARMER TOO.  Weird.  So weird.  Anyway - whatever - I don't know anything I'm just so glad I'm not drinking right now and not planning on it later.  Love you Bluebie - stay true to you - haha - bye.

So grumpy.

Ugh - I was going to write why - but who cares?  I just am - I'm so grumpy.  Ugh - it will get better and it will shift and change.  Hopefully after I walk to this meeting and after I walk to class.  Usually the walking helps make me feel better and - dear GOD - I can't help any more people.  There's this one woman who comes in here - at least once a week when I'm working and she looks and asks questions AND NEVER BUYS ANYTHING EVER.  She always acts like a VICTIM which is EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW.  Ohh boy.  A customer said that to me the other day.  He asked me for something while I was doing something else and I was flustered and he said "OH - I didn't mean to put you out this early in the morning (yes - like a douche).  So I said "Ohhh - are you being passive aggressive (all sing-songy - go fuck yourself type way)?"  Then he said "Oh boy.  Ohhh boy."  I laughed like a turd and walked away and then 10 minutes later the rest of his party arrived and they were my table - OF COURSE.  Then he said "I have to apologize - I AM passive aggressive!"  SO I said "Good job - you did it!"  Ohhhh boy.  That was nice right?  He must have had a halfway decent mother or he has grown tremendously from a bad one.  Oh my God - what?  What am I talking about?  I'm so out of it - okay bye Bluebie bye.

I had soemthing so profound to say but I can't remember what it was.......

I'm heating up the stew I made last night while I slept and I added green beans.  I am so tired.  Hello - I'm going to make myself an ice cream cone.  I am not even kidding you - I love my new job and I love coming home and putting on pajamas SO MUCH.  It is so amazingly cozy to put on comfy  clothes after running around all day.  Okay - so I worked and I wen to the audition and it was a disaster.  Whatever - it happens.  All in all I had no real point in being there and I wasn't really prepared and I ALSO COULDN'T REMEMBER HER NAME - UGH.  She said "Bye - and my name" and I said "Bye."  AWKWARD.  But also I asked her what she was working on and she went on and on about being in between projects and crunch time and she "wants a break but isn't getting one so YEAH - thanks for coming in."  What the fuck is that?  She totally did not even answer.  I went to my friends party - Larni met me there and do you know I didn't have time to get her a present and the only thing that was opened around was a sex shop so I got her a sexy Santa outfit.  She's hot as shit and dresses like whore - PROUDLY - and she loved it.  It was another girls' birthday also and I got her a gift certificate for a manicure.  I spent more than I should have but - come on - how amazing is it that I showed up to a party with gifts?  Because I'm not being completely a maniac with my money I could do that.  AND HELLO - if I had my shit together more I could have gotten them cheaper presents SOONER.  Note to self.  Oh my God - my mother was always giving our teachers homemade jam in jars as gifts.  With a bow.  She was so far ahead of the curve with those jam jars.  I'm not kidding you - this stew is fucking amazing.  Holy shit.  Okay - so whatever - I have no idea what I was going to say.  My teacher called me and left such a nice message and I went to listen to it and obsess over it 50 times and I DELETED IT instead.  Oh WHY?  Haha - I would have been listening to that for a year.  Okay - I love you Bluebie - you are so nice to come home to - too.

Beef stew.

I waitressed all day, went to a meeting, did some more grocery shopping (I FORGOT THE PEANUT BUTTER!!!!) and then came home and made more beef stew in the crockpot.  Can I tell you how fucking happy making that beef stew made me???  All I did was cut up some onions, peel some garlic, put the broth and the carrots and everything in a pot and it made me SO HAPPY.  How do I love to cook so much after serving people all day?  I absolutely adore cooking.  I didn't even really do anything but it was so satisfying - so calming - so WARM.  Okaaaay - last night I boiled 4 eggs and it was thrilling.  Haha - whoa.  So - yeah I don't know - I started to read that book again - Creativity and Flow and this guy is so scientific and blah, blah, blah about the science of creativity but what I just read blew my mind.  He said - basically the successful, creative people never stop being creative first of all - and most of all - THE LOVE IT MORE THAN ANYHTHING.  I have no idea if that's what he totally said and I'm too fucking tired to lean over and look at the book but love - he said they love what they do - and what I always hear people say is they would do it no matter what.  So for me - right now - is that acting?  I don't know - I mean I do know I'm just afraid to say it but yes - I love acting more than anything and performing on any level.  Am I in love with comedy right now?  No - or I don't know - not how I've been doing it - or how I used to do it.  I need to regroup - rethink - reframe.  Yes - and flow the love and the warmth.  Keep learning - keep going, keep FLOWING.  I'm so tired - I have to be up to work again tomorrow morning and I have a long day also.  Work, an audition, my friend's party and then my boutique work week.  good lord - you would think just working at jobs were what I love!  HAHAHahahaaaa - sigh.  Whatever - I'm grateful for these jobs - beyond.  Love you Bluebie - bye.

Up, down, confused - more lesbian meeting.

Okay - yesterday I had a great day - I really did - I got up, picked up my headshots, went to the audition and passed it this time, dropped off pictures to my new manager, went and got my check, went to a meeting, went to therapy, went to class - came home.  GREAT!  It was raining all day and I still loved it.  Today - today I worked for 9 hours at the new job and then at the end of the day someone fucked up so we couldn't get paid - UGH.  Now the guy who hired me is leaving and he scheduled me for the whole week of Christmas AND - AND for the days of the new year - WHEN I WORK AT THE STORE.  But he is leaving so what does he care.  But  I went to that lesbian meeting again and that made me feel so much better.  I stayed for the whole thing and I came home and bought myself groceries and took out the trash, put on the humidifier with grapefruit oil in it and burned some incense.  I have on my pj's and I ate some yummy food.  I mean years ago I couldn't even put on pj's - I couldn't let myself be that comfortable.  And listen if it doesn't work out at this job that's fine because I want to ACT and do COMEDY and make MOVIES and have fun AND GET PAID FOR IT.  Do you know who the worst people in the world are?  People who want eggs at 8 in the morning only for some bizarre reason they don't want to make it themselves.  I guess it's all the way too early eaters and way too late eaters - they just suck balls.  Anyway - so well - I am going to concentrate on doing my best at this job but realizing it might be a total cluster fuckness with this guy leaving - holy fuck.  Or not - who knows.  Whatever - I'm sober - that's good right?  Thank God for that and what else?  I still love my teacher - oh my GOD more than ever.  He helped me so much with the audition!!  But that's HIS JOB - ugh - it's not because he loves me. HAhahahhahahHA - I'm 14 years old.  Ew.  Barf.  I have to go.  I love you and your cyber Blueberriness.

Home after small gay meeting and I'm so depressed.

I'm not getting back into the swing of comedy - I'm so fucking tired and I'm SORE and seriously - the super never, ever, EVER stops smoking cigarettes.  I'm too in this - I'm too up close to myself - I'm losing it.  I feel depressed that's all.  I went to this little tiny, gay mens meeting and I felt SO MUCH BETTER afterwards.  I just need rest I guess.  I'm crazy PMS or something.  I took Advil, I will take a bath and do some yoga.  I'm just lonely and miserable - UGH.  Okay - time to stop writing again - it's just so scary - I've been so much better and now - I'm crazy again.  But - well - tomorrow is a new day.  Right?  I mean it is - whatever.  Okay - bye.  UGH.

Misery.

So grumpy - I feel so gross.  I have an audition tomorrow - one I set up myself and now I wonder if I shouldn't have done that.  I worked with my teacher - did I write about this already?  I'm losing my mind.  I feel gross - so bloated and gross and ALONE.  FAT AND ALONE.  UGH.  I did just drink a lot of water - THAT SHOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING.  Well - oh well - I guess dreary, dark, miserable, fat days happen.  Okaaaay - so I need a meeting.  I just can't stand how it smells anywhere.  I think I'm going to move to California with one of my sisters.  I'm so bored and I can't stand how this city smells anymore and nothing is happening here for me.  I mean I guess I have to accept I'm not going to get to have children - okay - fine - I need to stop writing - I'm seriously - a wreck right now.  Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Oh my GOD - how did I ever do anything before?

I worked at the store today and I had to rearrange the whole place so I really had to WORK today - blech.  I worked on my audition after work with my teacher, ran over to my friends and wrote a little bit and ran back to the studio to rehearse for class.  Do you know I ordered food from this place this morning and they have the best hot sauce and I always ask for it and they always forget it - or they forgot it once or twice.  Anyway they forgot it today and when I called back the guy said "Yeah he will bring it" and then HUNG UP ON ME!!  I was so mad!!  Oh my GOD - it's not my fault you have amazing hot sauce or that you gave it to me by mistake once and that's how I know I even LIKE IT.  Jerks.  SO I called him BACK AGAIN and I said "he doesn't have to bring it and you hung up on me and that wasn't nice!!"  And he said sorry and the guy brought the hot sauce and I'm never ordering there again.  I ate that hot sauce and tried to figure out how to make that meal I ordered at home.  How can I ever order there again?  One time I ordered chicken and they brought tofu instead (this was before I even KNEW about the hot sauce) and I ate it and then ordered tofu from them all the time.  What turds.  I was proud of myself that I called them back and it WASN'T nice that he hung up on me!!  Well at least I'm over it.  Well so I am exhausted now - I need to go to sleep.  Oh boy - my teacher doesn't love me dear blog - however not?  Who cares.  I guess I am growing in the direction of warmth.  What?  I mean it's not fun to pine for someone who isn't interested.  Oh my GOD I need to sleep - I love you Bluebie bye.

Hi.

That's all I have time for today - I actually had to work here today at the boutique - hello.  Okay - bye.

Better.

The day was okay - I came home to a check for an acting job I did in October and how AMAZING is that?  Not only that but I went back to that meeting around the corner from my apartment where that creepy man rubbed me.  I took back my power and Larni told me if he comes near me again all I have to do is say "Boundaries - no" to him.  Haha - or just not interact with him.  Oh my GOD - okay.  The job is so sexually charged - it's SO FUN.  Now - what - I have to go - I have stuff to work on and I need to get myself ready for my work week at the boutique and my audition and class.  I have to say I'm really not sure about me and comedy.  Maybe it's not meant to be or at least not meant to be the way I'm doing it.  My acting totally went up a notch by taking this class - right?  So I feel like something has to happen with my comedy.  Maybe I could meet one on one with some teachers - some women I respect.  I have to push past something I can feel it.  I'm lost.  Okay - so - okay - let's do this.  I need to call my sponsor and - call her.  Okay - I love you Bluebie bye.

Am I getting depressed?

I feel a little depressed or a lot - why am I even lying?  This is anonymous (mostly) and what's the fucking point of lying?  It's early and I'm awake - it smells like cigarettes in here and I keep saying to myself "It's not happening to me it's just happening."  I keep practicing acceptance but it's so annoying and gross.  Every Sunday night.  All the time - ugh.  I have to go waitress and - I don't know - what am I doing?  This is so ridiculous.  I'm getting so out of shape and - well - why am I writing this?  How have they not sent me on one more audition from that place?  How do I have no shows this week?  How am I so lost?  I'm so old what is the point?  I mean I'm really starting to think this is really ridiculous.  I have no drive.  I'm fucking exhausted.  Okay - whatever - 4 steps forward - 3 steps back - I need to drink coffee bye.

Bored out of my fucking mind.

I am so fucking bored - what is happening?  I went to work today and it was quiet - I worked downstairs with this young guy who is cute - so sweet - not attracted to him but every time he stood near me I got so turned on and it was so totally confusing.  Then - then I got out of work 3 hours earlier than I usually do and had nothing to do.  I ugh - am so bored.  I felt so much better after my meeting - SO much better and then I went to rehearse and that was so fun.  I don't have any shows this week -  I have an audition.  I could have gone to a dance class or even - another meeting - HELLO - or I could have written.  I went to a diner but they wouldn't let me sit in a booth and I got mad and walked away.  UGH.  UGHHHHH.  I just feel so frustrated.  SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED.  I'm just lost and kind of all over the place.  You know what that means right????  TIME TO READ THIS MONTH'S HOROSCOPE!!!!!  I will never get over that sponsor telling me "We can never talk about horoscopes - ever - I can't talk about that."  That being said I'm going to read mine RIGHT NOW AND GET SOME MEDIOCRE AND/OR MAGICAL STAR ADVICE.  Anger.  It's what I'm made of.  I love you Bluebie bye.

Lesbian meeting and homework.

I went to a super lesbian meeting after work - it was so manly but you know what - they were funny and awesome and I loved the transgendered drunk "bitch from the 80's - THROWBACK!"  That's how she talked about herself.  Omg - I'm so tired - how did I ever work at that other job after working a brunch?  I did homework tonight, cleaned the bathroom - took a bath and ate - McDonald's.  Ugh - I did - now I'm washing my clothes n the sink.  Am I the most boring person alive?  I don't know 0 let's figure it out tomorrow - I'm so tired- I love you Bleubie bye.

Totally beating myself up.

I really am - I'm just - ripping myself a new one.  I am back home here in the city - I had a great day and I got back reasonable well.  I have to do laundry and be at work at 8:00 am and I hate that.  My eyes looked so clear from being in the country and now I smell cigarette smoke and I want to slaughter my super.  Why am I so poor that I have to live above cigarette smoke?  I should just stop writing.  I'm drinking coffee because I really had no energy to do this laundry and I can't wear the same clothes for the 3rd weekend in a row.  I'm just - annoyed.  I never get to travel - oh dear GOD - I haven't been to a meeting now in 3 days - this is the 3rd day but one day I listened to 2 phone meetings.  I'm just grumpy.  I don't want to do laundry - I got into a little bit of vacation mode and I guess I don't want to stop.  I didn't get to see my best friend and my poor Grandfather is turning into a gnome.  Oh boy - he's so sweet and pleasant but he can barely walk - and his toupee is barley on and his teeth - he forgets to put in ALL his teeth. Awwwww - it's like watching my dog all over again.  I just want to lay here in the cigarette smoke and read - haha.  I wish I had a house with a washer and dryer for fuck's sake.  One where someone isn't smoking under me.  Ugh - okay - I'm frustrated and annoyed that's all.  Why don't I be grateful I don't have to wash my clothes in a stream.  Maybe I would like that better than washing them on 204th street though?  Maybe I'm never going to get married again.  Holy shit - maybe I really missed out - I'm never going to have my own family and now I don't even have a dog to travel with.  Maybe it's only going to get worse from here??  Oh my fucking GOD - what if I really fucked up - I really made a huge mistake - what?  WHAT?????  What am I talking about?  I'm going to leave now and angrily do my laundry so I don't feel completely gross tomorrow while I wait on people.  Then - I am going to come home and work on my scene for class (which I did today also) and my monologues for an audition on Friday.  I'm going to pick up my paycheck from work and order headshots and give them to the people that asked for them.  Jesus fucking Christ - and go to a meeting - I will also go to a meeting.  Bye.

Grateful and Goals.

I'm so grateful I am sober and I am so grateful I am her on the farm with my parents.  They are as coo-coo as ever and it's wonderful.  It's a crisp, sunny, gorgeous day and I am awake and showered.  Are you kidding me - I'm not hung over and I'm not freaking out.  How amazing and beautiful is that?  That being said - I need and want to get my shit together now.  Here are my goals.  I need to be and will get more organized with my time - so I can write and I mean write some shit - not just scribble in my journal.  I'm going to write a plat or a movie and I'm going to fucking produce it.  Maybe both.  I want to make money performing - form my art - whatever - I want to be able to rent a car or a plane or whatever - hello let's grow up.  I want to - PARTICIPATE IN LIVING!!!!  I need to go downstairs and peel potatoes and make hors dervs.  I want a baby and a dog and I want to let it FLOW THROUGH ME.  OPEN UP MY SPIGOT!!!!  So I need to organize my time and I need to get to it.  Gotta go peel - love you Bleubie - so grateful for you in my cyber life.

Okay.

There was just an old lady in here with her friend/helper - and she smelled a lot and I mean a LOT like pee.  Her helper/friend is one of those people who says things like "Oh - I don't like it - it's so ugly - that's why I didn't buy it before - it's so ugly right there."  What?  Are you sure you didn't buy it because it's 1000 dollars?  Last time she was in here by herself and she doesn't remember I was here I guess because she said that time "Oh - oh I wish this scarf was on sale - all I need is for it to be on sale or I need 250 dollars!!  Then she gave me these puppy dog eyes.  Um - what?  Why is she letting her old friend walk around smelling like pee?  I mean the lady reeks of pee.  It makes me so mad.  She is not a good friend/helper.  Anyway - fuck - I just want to go to the farm and eat a lot of Thanksgiving food.  I want to visit my dead dog and cat and get some fresh fucking air.  I just got myself a lovely free cappuccino - that was nice.  My friend who works her gave me free cards to get free coffees at a place near her where it's 5 dollars for a teeny tiny drink.  The girl put a heart on it and it's delicious so that was so nice right?  Why am I so angry?  Um - I don't know either.  I'm going to write for a little while bye.

So creeped out.....

The last few days I have felt like someone has been following me.  Ever since I got my new coat - I mean last night I thought to myself - maybe it is just the fur (faux - haha) lining on the hood - maybe I am just seeing that and it's freaking me out.  But seriously there has been times over the last 5 days or so and RIGHT NOW where I feel like someone is watching me and following me.  Why in the fucking world would anyone do that?  I mean seriously - am I totally losing it?  I just stood up at the store and went over to the door and stared out to see if I could "catch" this person and this black guy walked by talking to his friend and looked at me like I was crazy.  I think I scared him.  It's just dark and eerie out right now - that's all.  RIGHT??????  You know it all started last Tuesday night when I was walking to class and as I opened the door to the building and I was on my phone so I was distracted - this guy in my class opened the door with me - right like he was to my right and like - opening the door for me and he like "Yeah - hi - how you doing!?"  Oh this was the guy who told me he was a fucking Christian.  What does that even mean?  I must have looked at him like he was crazy - I mean I didn't see the guy anywhere and he must have been walking right behind me.  AM I THAT GOOD OF AN ACTRESS THAT I AM GETTING STALKED JUST FROM MY WORK IN CLASS?  Must be.  Must fucking BE.  What?  This is isn't funny.  Am I that delusional and crazy?  The answer to all these questions could be yes.  Okay - well I just off the phone with my father who just had cataract surgery.  He said "If this were the old days I would be sitting in my rocking chair blind as a bat."  Haha - sigh.  I love you bye.

Different day....

It's a different day - so quiet here at the store and even outside for that matter.  I think everyone is leaving the city for the holiday.  It's starting to snow and it's gray and cold outside.  So I made some phone calls and I ate the guacamole I made last night.  I cooked last night - I made fresh guacamole, fresh green beans with garlic, rice and then I got a half of a rotisserie chicken.  For the life of me I don't know why I insist on eating rotisserie chicken and watching The Walking Dead.  I only watched one episode last night - I just couldn't - it was too depressing.  I did my hair and my toes and I got a decent night's sleep.  Oh boy.  So now what?  I don't know.  I called my cousin - she didn't answer.  I have my big meeting tonight and class - although I think it might get cancelled.  Why don't I do some more self-care right now?  Some career self-care?  I can schedule some things and prepare for class as if it it is going to happen.  Yes - okay.  Yes.  Okay - let's get up and out of ourselves Bluebie - let's take advantage of the quiet and get on solid ground.  What?  Love you bye.

What the fuck am I doing?

I'm so freaked out - I just got done working my 3rd shift in a row at that new job - rehearsing for a new scene for class and went once again to do a late night spot at the comedy club and it was cancelled.  I'm so tired and fried and I don't feel like I am even going forward a little bit.  I'm freaked out about my uncle and I'm so confused by how scared I am that I am not at that job anymore.  I don't know - I just keep thinking "But I want to act and do comedy - why am I so freaked out about leaving a job where I get to do NEITHER of those things??"  I've hated the job FOR YEARS.  Oh my GOD - it's so crazy.  The money though - lord - I just have to be so much more careful with money now and it's freaking me out.  But so what?  I'm just scared I'm never going to make more money and that - oh my fucking GOD I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FANTASIZE ABUNDANTLY!!  I can't even fathom me getting paid a shitload of money to work on a fun, brilliant, wonderful film or TV show or play or musical OR ALL OF THOSE THINGS.  I am home, it's warm in here (fucking FREEZING outside) and I can make myself a nice dinner and I bought some things to bring home for Thanksgiving.  I have to call my cousin - how can I not have called her yet?  I'm just fried.  I need to get some sleep, take care of myself - I can do this.  I just need some super duper self-care right now.  I don't know - I really don't know.  I'm going to eat some food.  I just replaced the light bulb above the stove.  This is the second time I have done that and it fascinates me every time that I can do it.  How bizarre is it that I am in awe of the fact that I can unscrew the lid, take out the light bulb, put in a new one, screw the lid back on and it works?  Is that bizarre or is that fantastic?  I miss my dog.  Ugh.  I don't know - I need to eat some dinner bye.

My uncle just died.

Ugh - why do these things always have to happen around the holidays?  He was an alcoholic - terrible - I honestly don't even know how he lived this long.  So - I just have felt so sad the last few days....I saw a weird thing on the street - I don't know - I just knew something was going to happen.  Oh - he must have been in so much pain.  He has been in and out of hospitals for years.  He would detox and get out and go right back to drinking - just couldn't get out of the cycle.  I hope he is in a better place - I hope he is relieved of the pain and suffering.  I just don't know what else to write - I feel so sad and I feel more grateful than ever that I am in the program - that I have been given the gift of sobriety - and it is - for me - a gift.  I am not waiting for a drug dealer right now and I'm not sloppy drunk humping a radiator by myself while I watch Dancing With The Stars.  Good fucking lord.  Good Jesus fucking Lord.  I had my last night at the comedy club tonight and they fucking called me off.  I had said I didn't wan to come in earlier in the week and my friend said I should come in - that they needed to get me a goodbye cake or pizza.  Then at the last minute tonight he was like - oh it's slow - we don't need you.  HA - ugh.  The place were I really bottomed out - that comedy club and that Bed and Breakfast.  Those 2 places are behind me now and my poor uncle is dead.  Ugh - life is so tender - so - what I don't know - I'm crying.  My poor uncle is dead and I'm making it about me.  I didn't even know him really - I just feel sad what can I say.  I ordered Chinese food.  I'm going to get myself ready for bed and paint my nails.  You know what I'm going to do?  I'm going to pray.  I'm going to pray and just love.  That's all.  Okay bye.

I'm going to deal with that later or never......

A lady just came in who is creeping me out - why?  She looks nice - smells like a Grandma even though she's not old enough but nonetheless - creeping me out.  Anyway she picked dup a beautiful pair of earrings and asked if something was missing from them - so I picked up my broken glasses (which are ironically missing the stems) and I looked and indeed - there are 2 giant pieces of rhinestones missing.  Which is too bad - they are so pretty - but I put them aside and I am so not dealing with it right now.  3 people asked me for directions and help this morning on my way to work - I lost my metro-card on my way to work and I was sooooooo sad.  I just got so super sad.  I feel like I am in college again only with less money.  I'm living just exactly okay with money and I feel so lonely - what?  I miss my dog.  I'm happy she's in a better place and now I can see her this week when I go to my parents farm for Thanksgiving.  Oh good I'm crying.  Fuck.  What is wrong with me today?  I just don't have love in my life and I feel heart broken.  I'm so lucky right?  I have beautiful, kind friends and I'm sober - which is more than I can have ever hoped for.  I'm doing comedy again - I love my acting class and I have my own apartment.  Now I'm really crying.  Okay - I just decide this hormonal.  Right?  I'm hormonal.  I just feel depleted and I miss LOVE.  What?  I'm going to go for a walk - it's chilly today but it's sunny and crisp- it's a beautiful day.  I - what - I had a gorgeous breakfast - a salmon ceaser salad - I felt better after I ate.  I'm going to go for a walk and get some chocolate - get ready for the show tonight that I hope happens.  I'm hosting so I really need to be ready.  We wrote last night and that was great.  I guess I feel vulnerable.  GROSS LET'S SNAP OUT OF IT!  Okay - walk, bank, chocolate and hydrate.  Thank you - I love and can love - let's do this.  Bye sweet blog I love you.

Acting and broken glasses......

Okay - there is salt all over the counter at the boutique - so annoying.  She got salt delivered for the sidewalk when it snows and one of the containers opened inside the box - yeesh!  Anyway - I clearly don't feel like dealing with it.  Soooo - last night I had class and my scene partner - haha - SAT ON MY GLASSES - and broke them.  Guess what my gorgeous, giant crotched teacher said?  THAT IT WAS THE BEST PART OF THE SCENE.  GREAT!!  Good thing I have an excellent sense of humor - fuck.  I also - THANK GOD - have a pair of glasses waiting for me that are ready - jesus.  So anyway - ugh what a turd.  He's a turd but he's awesome but also - sooooo long winded with the stories - Jesus.  He told us all about how his teacher's wife of 62 years died - the music they played - dear GOD - I couldn't HANDLE it.  When he was finally done with the story I started to clap - I didn't even realize I did it - I JUST WANTED TO HAVE ACTING CLASS FOR FUCK'S SAKE.  I already read the article about her in the New York Times and it made me cry and I just can't handle long winded dying stories at the beginning of acting classes.  He was like "Okay - she's clapping - I'm done with the story."  Haha - SORRY BUT COME ON.  Well so I don't have on glasses right now but it's okay.  This creepy guy in class was like "Oh - are you going to get home okay without your glasses?"  WOW - NO - CAN YOU GUIDE ME HOME AND PERHAPS FUCK ME OR TALK TO ME ABOUT GOD WHEN WE GET THERE?  He told me he was a Christian.  Great - I didn't ask and no thank you.  Is that mean?  I believe in God - but I also believe in keeping that shit to yourself.  Also anyway he's fucking creepy and he makes my shoulder blade feel funny and that IS NEVER A GOOD THING.  My rage has really subsided right?  Okay - I'm going to write with my friend tonight and that should be good.  I don't know - I just got a little sad.  One more shift at the comedy club only.  Maybe I would like to take another writing class - doesn't that sound wonderful?  Christ - will I never find love again?  Haha - who cares?  You know I heard someone say last night you only get 3 loves.  Is this a true thing?  I've had one true love and at least a dozen partial ones and perhaps one other trueish one.  So those dozen and that last one equal 1 more.  Maybe I just get one more after that and it's actually my acting and comedy.  Ugh - the cigarette smoke today - UGH - so gross.  I want to move to California where the air is fresh.  Is the air fresh there?  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Hi it's Tuesday.

Oh my God I just remembered I forgot my wedding anniversary.  Wow - that's amazing - really fucking fantastic actually.  Okay - so I'm really uncomfortable.  I worked all weekend - long brunch shifts - plus a double Saturday.  I went to a show for Larni last night and bought a book that another comedian wrote.  I think after I write on her I need to write in my journal.  My scene partner for class just came to see me here and rehearse her - that was so nice.  It's been warm the last few days but today it's cold again.  So I don't know - I have really one more shift at the comedy club and I don't want to do it but I will I guess.  I'm so over it - it was so awful Saturday night.  I could definitely use the money of one more shift.  Anyway.  Um - I'm just uncomfortable physically and emotionally.  I think I might have to work on Christmas.  My mother is going to freak out - maybe.  I went to the show last night with some of the other people from my new job and this one kid - he's a kid - he's such a gentleman - okay - whatever - I'm lonely - that's my point - haha.  Oh boy - last week it was my acting teacher - who today at this moment - I think he's such a turd.  I think he's a great acting teacher but he's turd.  I just haven't met the guy yet - that's it.  IT'S THAT MICHAEL BUBLE SONG HELLO.  I keep not doing yoga before bed or really any of my nighttime routine.  I'm so fucking exhausted.  It take s a total of like 20 to 30 minutes.  It's so good for me.  I want to dance.  Do I?  Wouldn't I be doing it if I wanted to be?  I want to dance I just don't want to see myself in the mirror.  What am I??  A fucking pussy???  Am I?  AM I???????  Fuck.  Ugh - frustration.  Well anyway - I think I'm embarrassed about how I might have been acting towards that guy from work.  Really I'm just afraid someone could tell I have feelings for him or could see I'm attracted to him but SO FUCKING WHAT?  He's hot and NICE - there was this black girl there who was like "You get a little older and I'm gonna tear that shit up - alright?"  I just think I smell bad.  Haha - and she kept farting or SOMEONE did - for once it wasn't me - Jesus.  I keep using this shampoo and the white spots aren't going away from my skin.  I'm all over the place.  Larni also said I need to trim the fat from my jokes and he's so RIGHT - I just don't know if I can.  I don't know what I can do.  Well - okay - bye.  Love Youbie.

Ugh - uncomfortable.

So the guy who sent me the texts sent me another text saying "The dream was real....."  Which I ignored and which so solidified my creepedoutness.  Then he sent me another one where he SPELLED MY NAME WRONG and then asked me if he was bothering me, did I see his texts and let him know - am I just not answering him.  Okaaaay - so my friend said to ignore him but it didn't feel quite right and then I called my new sponsor and she said "But if you ignore him, you owe him an ammends because he would be someone who if you see him you would cross the street to avoid him."  Right?  She said I could just say I want to be friends and that's it.  You know - so I did that.  I wrote and said I just want to be friends.  Done.  Which is not what I wanted to say - hello.  What I wanted to say was "You didn't ask me a question so why would I need to ANSWER you - you just sent me CREEPY FUCKING TEXTS about your dream and that was it.  HOW ABOUT HI HOW ARE YOU??  Fuck off weirdo."  I was so upset I went to therapy and told my therapist about it and said I felt confused and she said "You don't sound confused - you sound VERY clear."  Haha.  Jesus.  What in the world did Larni say to this guy?  Anyway so I'm done dating for awhile - that's it.  And WOW - no more friends setting me up - FUCK - first a guy with cancer and now some fucking weirdo who - I don't even know what he was liking about me - he was just talked about himself and then had some dream about me and then what?  Expected me to be like "Oh you had a creepy dream about me????  THAT'S SO SWEEEET!!!!  Thank you for telling me!!  I'm not uncomfortable at all - in fact all I can think about is blowing you right now!!"  Oh my God - this isn't very nice of me.  Um - awesome.  I'm home.  I have to be at work at 8:00 a.m. for brunch.  My class got cancelled tonight which is actually perfect.  I cooked a bunch today and cleaned, went for a really long walk in the park - that was so nice.  Okay - so I love you - my sweet Blueberry blog!

Responsibility.

Hi.  I don't want to be responsible.  I want someone else to do it for me.  Thanks - you're hired.  Ugh - seriously - this is the thing though - it's not working anymore - did it ever work?  No one can be responsible for me.  So I have a show tonight and while I was working on it yesterday I almost fell asleep.  Then I went to my friends house and we wrote and performed for each other and it made me mad.  Haha - then I worked on my play for class on the way home and DID fall asleep.  Then today - I haven't done any work on the show yet and I'm just tired and I don't want to but it feels wrong.  Not to work on it.  What am I talking about?  I'm so tired - that's all.  It's really cold and it's making the air more smokey everywhere in this city but really I just have PMS.  Okay - I have the day off tomorrow - I just have class.  Good and fine.  Um - so I don't really know what my point was except that I want to be more responsible - not just for my bills and shit but for my own art and my own feelings.  AWESOME - WELCOME TO GROWN-UP LAND.  What?  On another note that guy I went on the date with sent me 2 reaaaally long messages - texts - describing the dream he had about me where I was a post apocalyptic angle selling magic towels and I gave him one for free.  Something like that - so UM I'M SO CREEPED OUT and I am not going out with him again.  I don't know doesn't that seem like too much?  Or maybe it's not - I just got really uncomfortable and I don't understand and I really - I can't.  Maybe I just have PMS but a magic towel just grossed me out.  Haha - I am laughing - is nothing ever just normal and nice?  Haha - NO.  Anyway - so I'm going to go get some chocolate or work on my act or BOTH.  Oh BOY - I love your Blueberry font face.  Bye.

So sleepy.

There have literally only been 2 customers all day today - wait - 1?  Has it only been one?  And a creepy guy looking to clean the awning.  Anyway - soooo boring.  Soooo warm and boring.  I ate the hugest bacon, blue cheese, avocado burger - holy fucknuts it was amazing.  I can't imagine that is helping my sleepiness at all.  Anyway.  I got some things done, paid some bills.  I had class last night and it was challenging.  My scene partner didn't like what my acting teacher was saying to her and I could see that he was just giving her notes and was excited about her work and just wanted to give her direction - you know?  She got really mad that he had so many notes and then just sort of stormed off the stage and he had no notes for me.  The good part was I could see myself in her - she got emotional and it fucked everything up.  The way HE handled it was amazing.  How is he so gorgeous and nice seriously?  I mean come on - he had on a turtleneck and I still thought he was gorgeous.  GORGEOUS but NICE.  What the fuck.  With a turtleneck on.  I was like oh my God he's an acting teacher and he has on a turtleneck.  Haha.  All the women in class are so pretty and the men are so creepy.  Haha - although sometimes there are gorgeous guys.  Anyway - so I was also able to tell her that it was frustrating to me that she threw a fit - I mean she made it all about her x 10 - BUT she heard me and said sorry.  How cool is that?  She's really wonderful - and I'm proud of myself for saying something.  So anyway I guess I should work on that play right now.  It's so intense and tedious - so much subtext.  Okay - I'm writing tonight with my friend who works here - comedy - that should be fun.  I would rather lay down but I do also want to do that.  I'm sooooo sleeeepppyyyy.  OKAY I LOVE YOU BYE.

HI.

Hiiiiiiiii - omg - I missed you.  When did I write last?  I don't know - before that insane typhoon in the Philippines.  So awful.  New Yorkers are so self absorbed - no one is even talking about it.  It was only a year ago that Hurricane Sandy happened!  Aw - my dog was still alive.  Poor thing.  I have been going to this one comedy club to perform and I used to be a waitress there and I used to bring the dog with me sometimes and a busser who works there still asked me how she was the other night.  He was really sad to hear she died.  Isn't that so sweet?  I had the most exhausting weekend.  I worked Saturday brunch, Saturday night at the comedy club, Sunday brunch and then I went to rehearsal Sunday night (first a meeting) and then I went and did an 11:55 p.m. comedy spot.  What??  Omg - I almost fell asleep onstage.  I was fairly awful - I mean I was so tired, unprepared and all over the place but I was still funny.  I could have been so much better.  But my point is that it  was SO MUCH FUN.  I left so totally happy I did it.  Unreal.  Amazing is a better word.  Then I got up yesterday and got myself to work again - had a rehearsal last night and went home and ate a bunch of food.  On Friday I went into the park, cleaned did laundry and grocery shopped, went to a meeting and went to class.  So needless to say I am tired today and grumpy but I'm starting to feel better.  I got a decent night's sleep and it's not busy in here so I guess that's good.  I feel like I'm in my office and there's clothes hanging all over the place and people can walk by and stare at me.  I don't know how much longer I can keep working both of those brunches in row - holy fuck - it's so hard.  Whatever.  I am going to focus today on my acting and my comedy.  I'm going to write with my friend tomorrow night and work on having my set down so I can get up at any point and be ON.  I also need to book more shows.  At this moment I need t work on my scene for class but I don't want to.  I'm tired.  I'M GOING TO DO IT THOUGH BECAUSE I LOVE IT.  I absolutely love it - no doubt in my mind.  Okaaaaaaay - whatever.  Have I also said I hate it a million times?  Probable who fucking cares.  I love it today and I'm going to push through my - annoyance of the tediousness of this current play.  LET'S GET IT DONE.  Thank you Bluebie my love.

Well - I finally did it.

I gave my notice at the comedy club.  I finally decide I deserve better and I do.  They still haven't paid us and I just can't anymore.  I think I will probably have to get a different job - or work at one of my other jobs more or FOCUS ON MY ART - oh my GOD - doesn't that sound amazing?  I was able to play a little bit of music at the boutique yesterday but it's not the same as having some real studio time.  Haha - studio time - I don't have a studio - but some time where people aren't going to walk in and yell at me "How much does that cost I don't have on my glasses??"  I gave my notice and then my friend ho works there was a total turd about it but then they decided to accept the two weeks notice.  I don't know if this is crazy or not but I just can't work there anymore.  They got a new awning but we don't get paychecks.  I'm not kidding - they bought a popcorn maker - no paychecks.  He sucks his thumbs when he sleeps my friend who was being a turd.  Right after I heard my other friend say what a jerk he was I had to stop  myself from blurting that out.  I was so pissed.  He told my friend "Just tell he tonight is her last night."  But then they changed their minds.  Ohhhhh boy - yeah he sucks his thumbs - we used to date and that was a HUGE deal breaker for me.  That and I was still drinking and using then AND I was a mess - it wasn't too long after my husband and I broke up.  So.  I have had a beautiful dating history.  I wanted to leave the comedy club nicely but I don't see that happening - but also - well - whatever.  I did the right thing - I got another job, got caught up on my rent and then gave my notice.  I can't keep working 3 jobs anyway - especially not one that doesn't pay me.  I need some acting jobs!!!!!  I was hoping I would feel better after writing this.  I have the day off - I'm going to take care of myself and hopefully after I walk, do laundry and clean - I will feel better.  Love you Bluebie.

Whelp.....

Well the good news is that Blue Jasmine is a wonderful movie.  The bad news is that I was really sad after the date.  He was nice - a total gentleman - but he talked about himself SOOoooooooOOOOooooo much - he even talked during the movie.  Then after I got home he sent a text saying sorry for talking about himself so much and then EXPLAINING WHY.  Omg - haha.  Then I read my horoscope for November and it said the one bad day for romance is November 6th.  HA - I wonder what my old sponsor would say about that????  Sigh.  I said I would go out with him again because I don't really know how much I could know after one date but - I'm pretty sure it's not going to work out.  It wasn't sexy at all - not even a little bit.  I didn't feel seen or heard.  But I showed up and I was kind and a good listener.  Which is good because he talked A LOT.  Well I don't want to write about this anymore and it's rainy out today so that's making me a little sadish I guess.  I love you my sweet Bluebie.  Byeeeee!!!

Larni fixed me up on a date tonight......

Oh boy - yes - yes I am going on a date tonight with someone who Larni fixed me up with.  He is a nice guy - I've known him for years so it's cool.  Have I written about this already?  I don't know - anyway - he's nice and when he called me he made me laugh so why not right?  We are going to the movies tonight.  I'm excited to go to the movies - I haven't been in a long time.  I got a decent night's sleep - took care of myself last night - did my yoga before bed - my whole nighttime routine and got 8 hours of sleep - so that's wonderful.  I forgot to call my God baby for his birthday and then when I remembered I called in a panic but my sister didn't even notice I didn't call - thank God.  I had sent my acting teacher a message saying how wonderful I thought that super intense OVERLLY (Can you imagine I'M saying that??) memorial was - and he never wrote me back.  So now I hate my acting teacher again.  He doesn't love me and now I do think he is a turd.  Okay and moving on.  I don't know about this guy - he's not gorgeous or anything - um - he's cute - he's funny but well I saw him once at a meeting and he was kind of a turd himself.  So what?  I'm always a turd.  Well - holy fuck I keep sneezing.  Anyway - yeah - well - I prayed and meditated this morning and I will just do what my sponsor said to do last night which is be of service today.  I'm also going to rewrite my sane and sound sex ideals.  I have no idea what I'm doing and let's face it - I have the worst taste in men and I can't pick one out for myself or in any way be in control of this so why don't I just turn it over to God - right?  I mailed my November rent thank God and now if I can just get a great - a GREAT AMAZING acting job then I could get health insurance and take care of myself.  I just need to be at the comedy club until December.  I'm almost caught up with things - I paid of my taxes finally and now I just owe my sister money.  So stressful but not as stressful as when I was getting evicted.  Being homeless is way more stressful than just being able to buy a purse.  Or shoes or whatever.  This is the know I don't want to untangle.  The knot of being responsible about money and also making enough of it.  Also feeling like I am deserving of love and knowing I'm not in control of where it's going to come from.  What?  Whaaaat???  Am I full of shit?  Am I bullshitting right now?  No - I don't know.  Okay - well I have to pee bye.

Untying the knots, service and serenity. SUCK IT

I couldn't just leave it the title as was.  SUCK IT relives some of the poofiness.  Anyway so "The Love Of My Acting Teacher Saga" continues.  It would be so much easier if he was just a turd but he's not - he's wonderful.  I went to a memorial last night that he helped put together and HIS teacher said how wonderful he is and how much of service he is and THEN I JUST LOVED HIM MORE.  Which I guess is fine - I can love him, admire his gift of service (and he's not an alcoholic - how do people who aren't alcoholics know to be of service?????), and be grateful for the amazing job he is doing teaching me.  What?  It's so fucking hot in the store right now and I just ate a bacon, blue cheese avocado burger with fries for breakfast.  Anyway yeah - he's just so gorgeous but more than that he's just - great.  Gross, barf and whatever.  Okay so untying the knots - so it occurred to me this morning that I have discovered a new know inside myself with realizing what an underearner I am right?  WHY AM I WRITING THIS???  Anyway but I thought to myself "If I didn't realize this knot and then do something to untangle it - I would need relief from it."  Yeah.  Huh - so.  Oh dear Lord I am too full to do this right now.  I need to take a walk and go to the bank.  Can't I want to be with someone who is gorgeous, loving, kind and of service and think I am deserving of someone like that?  I don't think I'm meant to be with him but can't I love him and admire him and want a great man like that?  Guy?  I really need to go outside and turn down the heat.  HAHA - GET IT???  Bye Bluebie love.

The tell tale sobriety.

Whoa - I have been having trouble staying - sober in sobriety - I mean -  you know (or don't know) - staying on the line.  Okay - I just have been missing meetings and my meetings have changed and - UGH - I feel guilty for behavior I was involved in while dating whatever the fuck his name was last winter.  Then I started having some "issues" with my sponsee - by issues I mean we got in one sort of argument and then I thought it was over.  So - 2 issues at play here - based on my last statement - I just always think things are ending when there is the slightest bit of friction in a relationship.  Ugh.  Then - based on the first thing I was talking about - I feel super fucking guilty when I am behaving even a little bit badly and that just is too much.  Too much but also - hello - I need to take care of myself better sobriety wise.  I did today.  I went to work for 9 hours - why?  Why so many hours you ask my sweet blog?  Well I was an hour early because I didn't know it was daylight savings time.  Hoorah and scene.  But then I bought a cute hat because I was cold and went to a big meeting and stayed for the whole thing and I felt sooooooooo much better.  I also talked to my sponsee and came home.  Now I'm gong to bed - I'm so tired.  I'm so totally exhausted and I just got all ready for bed and did a little yoga and now I'm going to get a good night's sleep.  I hope.  Oh lord - good night sweet Bluebie Blueb.

Good day.

I was going to title this something else - you know something painful but I forgot and actually I had a good day so why not talk about it?  I got up early and went to the eye doctor and it turns out the reason why my eyes weren't working was because my glasses were only for distance and I NEED READING GLASSES.  Omg - what the fuck??  The doctor last time didn't tell me that she gave me a different prescription and - HA - when they made my new glasses they didn't ask me or tell me that the glasses were only for distance.  Why did it take me so long to figure out something was wrong anyway????  Denial - confusion and my father has macular degeneration so I just thought that was happening to ME and I didn't want to deal with it.  Holy fuck - are you kidding me?  Well the guy was very nice - he explained everything to me - told me what to do and exactly what was happening with my eyes and he also didn't charge me and fixed my glasses to the right prescription.  I just was so grateful and also - confused.  It has occurred to me that I could have just walked in there and said "You know - these glasses aren't working right - I think the prescription is wrong" but that just seemed so confusing.  Anyway it's all figured out and he told me to eat leafy greens and it will help my eyes.  Great - good start to the day.  Then I went to a glorious meditation meeting in a very pretty room.  Then I worked for a little while at the store and worked on the web series I've been filming also.  Then I went to therapy and THEN I came home!!  Now I'm burning incense and I have the windows open and I have on my old reading glasses and I CAN SEE.  Jeez.  Jeez fucking Loueez.  Well - I guess a lot of other things happened on this lovely day - a fun trip to the post office (not being sarcastic), a lovely walk through the Upper East Side and the West Village - pretty Fall days this year.  I ate a yummy turkey burger and uh - I don't know - was grateful I'm sober.  I'm so tired.  I'm going to sleep early tonight.  Ugh - I just got sad.  It's okay - no big deal - just a little sadness - why?  I don't know.  I miss that guy I liked last night.  Okay bye Bluebie - I love your blogness.

blech

I went to a meeting after work and of course - why of course??  There was a really cute guy qualifying and he was nice.  Everyone got a chance to share because it wasn't a big meeting.  I shared and I cried because I always cry and because I got 3 hours of sleep and by 8 tonight I was beyond exhausted.  So - so then - he has 7 months sober and he has a gambling problem and a romance problem.  I left that meeting feeling soooooo uncomfortable - SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I was attracted to him but I was also super tired and it's hard and awkward when there are cute guys in the room - that's it.  And I'm a little bit of a mess right now.  I need to go to bed.  I'm exhausted.  Okay - I feel better - it's just really awkward when there are cute people in the room - thank you. Whew - we got there - bye.

That was so fun and now - exhaustion....

First of all le me say that the fact I got myself tot he set and home was amazing to me.  The fact that it was FUN???  More amazing.  The fact that I made it to work is a minor miracle and the fact that I look and feel hung over is - so obvious.  I just ate a tuna melt - that couldn't have been a bad idea right??  What can I say - it has to get easier than this but it was SO fun last night!!  Holding was in a garage and we had this crazy old picture car and this boy was running out naked in front of us - then we go and grab him and bring him home - that's the scene.  This kid was so brave - he literally was wearing a sock and running around naked in the cold.  He did not complain once.  I would have never stopped saying I was cold or asking people if I looked fat in my sock.  The camera they were using was beauuutiful!!  Omg - the guy playing my husband said it was a 100,000 dollar camera.  Anyway I feel so gross but it is super slow and super spooky here today anyway.  I need to go the fuck home and go to sleep.  When the train pulled into my station stop at 6:09 this morning I thought "Oh my God - I did it."  Years ago I never would have shown up for a night shoot like that or I would have been soooo high - so high and weirded out.  I would have been drinking too - ew.  I don't like thinking about it - it makes me so upset.  I can say however that this isn't good - I feel very not okay right now - I can't be getting 3 hours of sleep and not bathing.  I used to come here to the store all the time unshowered - what an unpleasant way to go about one's day.  Alright - well okay - I just need a meeting, to run some errands and get some serious sleep.  Love you Bluebers.

12:30 am call time - so annoyed so farting

Why would I eat roasted sweet potatoes, spinach brown rice and tofu with lentil soup on it all day when I know I have to be on set at 12 am??  Why did I agree to this?  What made me think that THIS TIME THE TOFU FART COMBO WON'T MAKE ME FART??  Do I have to go into a program for fartless food?  What the sweet fuck?  Seriously?  I'm drinking coffee so I can stay awake.  I have an hour and a half commute and I need to leave.  If I hear one more person complain about the 10 block "Schlep" they have to make to get someplace I'm going to freak out.  How is 10 blocks schlepping??????  Fuck - I'm so annoyed - I already worked today and shot 2 things - I'm so tired.  I'm so tired and they are never going to pay me for this - I just know it.  Why did I have to learn such an annoying lesson?  Why can't I just ask them to pay me cash like my friend said I should?  Why does this have to be part of the dream???  Seriously - why?  Fuck - it's smokey in here anyway.  I want to go TO BED.  How am I complaining?  I'm making a movie for fuck's sake.  Alright - well - lord - okay - I can take tomorrow night off I guess.  Bye my Bluebie Blueb - I love you.

Exceptional Kindness.

That's what I am going to do today.  I can only focus on today and I am going to focus on being exceptionally kind - mostly towards myself.  Then I think I will be able to go out and have exceptional kindness to give as well.  Is it selfish - I don't know - I don't care - all I know is that if I don't take care of myself - I have nothing to take care with.  So that's all.  Let's get paid also Bluebie - let's get mother fucking paid.  I need to survive and travel and LIVE and see my family & friends.  I just went for a walk and got some water (I'm at the boutique) and I stopped and looked at the puppies in the window and I almost had a heart attack I miss my dog so much.  That sweet wagging tail - UGH.  Soooooo - so how about some radical kindness huh???  LET'S DO THIS.  Bye!

POEM

NO doesn't love me
but BOY does he smell good
I just did my hair
alone I stood
I played with a sweet dog
on set today
I fell in love
just kidding - no way
I woke up at 5
I did my best
My heart hurts from sleeplessness
NOW I'm going to rest.
Good night my sweet Bluebie.

k.

At work - worked last night - have class tonight.  Work tomorrow and tomorrow night AND the next day - then I have the night off.  Right?  No - I'm filming something Sunday night, then I need a meeting - THEN I can go home and get up for a super early call time.  Oh DEAR -my feet feel a little bit off the ground.  Here's the great part - I just listened to a phone meeting and I can call people right?  I made barely any money last night but I made some money so that's good.  Oh boy - things just haven't shifted over yet that's all.  I just need to keep it in the day - that's all.  I told my teacher I need to leave class early - good.  Okay I need to work on my comedy right now and finish reading a script.  It's so quiet at the store right now - it's really chilly out.  It's like my own office in here - so bizarre when someone comes in.  They haven't paid us for weeks from the comedy club - I don't think they are paying the lawyer and so I think he isn't writing our checks.  Who knows - I don't know how that works - sigh.  I got to talk to my sister and my father yesterday - AND my God baby.  He's talking.  I wish I could see him more - it breaks my heart I don't get to see my family more - but at least I am finally working on my art - I am not seeing them for a good reason right?  Anyway - okay - so keep in the day.  Stay sober for today - make small moves towards love - or be love make small moves towards - what?  Healing?  Kepp moving out of the woods that's all.  Love you Bluebie.

Poem.

Work
Talking
More work
Walking
Caught 2 buses
Rode 4 trains
Made it back
Home again.

Halleluiah

Amen.

I love - real quickly - I mean "I love" real quickly......

That's the thing right?  That's what it all comes down to I think.....that I am in this programs not just to stop drinking and to keep not drinking but to learn how to love - first myself and then others.  I guess right?  Lately it has been so much of me to try to actively stop being angry and somehow - I feel more love.  Yesterday the cigarette smoke everywhere - not just her in my apartment but EVERYWHERE - was so terrible.  It's New York City!!  Of course it is.  Anyway at one point this woman - an older woman in a frumpy dress was smoking and I gave her a look and in my head I thought "Seriously grow the fuck up - really - stop smoking."  Right?  I actually thought that and think that a LOT towards different people.  Then I suddenly remembered me smoking - just siting there and smoking cigarette after cigarette.  Or walking to work and smoking the whole fucking way.  But when I sat out side that house and smoked - I never thought of my neighbors or if it bothered them - I was a total addict - I could not stop.  Then I thought about the super yesterday and I was able to actually think "He's addicted - he CAN NOT stop - it has him by the balls."  I also did my laundry yesterday and since it has been a month since I did it I had to walk back and forth from the laundry mat and this girl working at an orthopedic shoe place (so she wasn't so busy I guess) was literally standing outside smoking every time I walked by - and quickly puff in, puff out.  I just remembered being that way - so consumed by it.  So for once - for the first time in years - I have had compassion for the smokers.  Which has caused my anger to ease greatly and has also made my hair change.  I swear to the good Lord around me - when I am upset - it just shows in my hair.  Dries me right out from the roots.  Isn't that sad?  That it has that much effect?  The anger?  Anyway it's more sad that I wasn't having compassion for the people doing the same exact thing I did and me not realizing how hard it is for them.  So - today I love more.  I had class last night and I feel closed off towards my teacher.  The anger and jealously is there but after I meditated this morning and really felt how clenched my heart was and really thought - what?  What did I think?  I forgot.  HA!!  Hilarious.  Well anyway who the fuck knows what incredible profound thought that I had but - I can let the jealousy and anger go - that's all - let it go and love.  What?  I feel like I am talking out of my ass.  It's not personal the class and I want to make it so but it isn't.  Somehow I just realized that.  So dear blog of my dreams help me to unclench my heart and get sober in this class and love - myself and my art.  My fellows and my other humans.  I'm so ready to move forward in life away from the past and my - bullshit.  My anger.  My dryness.  Oh fucking boy.  I'm going to do some dishes and go into the park.  I love you bye.

Sleep and dreams.

I got a lot of sleep - and I dreamed I was kissing NO and he was staring into my eyes - so intensely.  So much so I kind of couldn't handle it.  I was also holding my breath - weird.  I got up this morning and called the landlord and the other place where I'm paying off that old credit card that I thought had magically gone away.  I mailed out Octobers rent and for both phone calls I was able to actually talk to someone.  Jeez - I cried.  Not to them - thank God.  I cried, calmed down - ate some yogurt and cried again and almost choked 5 times because I was about to drown in yogurt.  But okay - I spoke to Her Lady Wonder yesterday and she told me to just call the landlord and talk to them and that was the best course of action.  So okay - I did.  I've been doing the same thing with my rent that I did with drinking - I would be drinking at midnight and have to be to work by 10 and I would keep drinking, smoking pot and cigarettes and tell myself it was fine - that I could totally drink until 4 and be up by 8:00 and get to work by 10 - no problem.  Then I would drink till 5:00 and get to work late and be a fucking miserable disaster.  If I even made it to work.  I just don't even like writing about it - it makes me so uncomfortable.  Oh - so - oh.  Yes - I am not out of the woods but for right now and today I did the best I can and did what I can.  Now if I can just go for a walk and get laundry done today I will be in a much better place.  Laundry and clean -  it's for real so dusty in here.  Okay - let's keep trudging forward my sweet one.  God speed through the ether Bluebie.  I love you!!

omg hi

This is what I did the last 4 days.  I worked on Friday at my new job, went to therapy, went to class - got out at 11:30 and then woke up at 4:00 am to get to the set for 7:00 am call-time way the fuck - all the way out in Queens - shot till 5:00, went to work - WORKED, got home late got 5 hours of sleep - worked (OH AND GOT A COURT NOTICE TO PAY UP THE RENT OR GET THE FUCK OUT), went and shot another scene for the movie - got a ride there and back from the guy playing my husband - SO NICE, got a good night sleep, woke up and got to an audition and then got a filling done, went to a rehearsal, then - here's the most amazing part - went to a meeting - finally after 3 days, my phone wouldn't work at the meeting except for texting with this one guy who had relapsed - he came and met me and I stayed for another meeting with him.  MY HAIR LOOKED DIFFERENT after being at those meetings - amazing.  I mean isn't it crazy that my phone wouldn't work for anything but his texts?  I don't know.  I was so freaked out by that court letter I got I seriously almost had a heart attack.  I paid September and Augusts rent so I was beyond upset and confused until I called the lawyer this morning and I realized it said they wanted September and Octobers rent and it was dated from the 8th - so they didn't know I paid Septembers rent.  Um - do you know the most mortifying thing about the letter?  It said hello - you agreed to pay such and such amount on the 1st of every month and you haven't been - not those words exactly but mostly.  I was so mortified - of course - I agreed to pay and I don't want to - I want to do the exact opposite of what grown-ups do.  I want to agree to rules and then do whatever I want because that's what I decided I want to do.  What the fuck is that?  So - so I'm so not out of the woods at all with this shit.  How is this all going to work?  I need a miracle.  I need a miracle to get my shit together.  I need a miracle so I can grow the fuck up - seriously.  Thank God I got to those meetings tonight and I got to see that guy.  I'm so very tired.  Okay my sweetest Blueberry - I love you.  Bye - let's make this cyber space worth it.  What?

Poem.

It's Thursday
UPS just came in
But they weren't supposed to
He said
"Any pick-ups?"
I instantly thought
"Porn"
How can I think about sex SO much
But never have any?

Bye.

Perception, Service and I'm not a victim.

Do you know how hard that was for me to write??  That I'm not a victim???  OH MY FUCKING ASS - so hard.  I mean I was so upset about working here last week - like my friend took advantage of me blah, blah - and then she got in touch with me yesterday and was so sweet - ugh I can't go on about the details - my perception of the situation just changed.  I got up this morning and I felt okay - got on the couch to meditate and I had gotten up early so I snuggled under the blanket and felt too comfortable - checked my bank account and of course because I felt uncomfortable leaving the meeting early enough to walk last night - I fucking took a cab and it made my account 10 dollars under - so if my rent check went through - I would be fucked.  So I got my ass ready and went to the bank and put my paycheck in.  What in the good lord is wrong with me?  I'm not out of the woods yet money wise - this change over from the comedy club to this new job has not happened yet.  This isn't what I wanted to talk about.  Well but on some level I just couldn't handle the discomfort of doing what was best for me.  I was sitting next to my new sponsor and I just - I didn't know how to get up - I didn't want to make her mad.  BUT SO WHAT?  She's a grown woman - jeez and then I had to run around this morning before work and get all stressed out because I just can't afford to take cabs or go outside of my teeny, tiny budget.  Jeez.  HOW HARD IS IT TO BE HONEST ALL THE TIME.  Very.  I just want to be in the clouds about everything - money, food - everything.  I had a drinking dream last night.  One where I had been taking sips of alcohol at different times and then I was about to take this trip or be alone someplace and I thought to myself "Oh - I'm going to DRINK - no one will know and I have time tomorrow to heal from the hangover."  Then I remembered I had to drive someplace and - ugh - what?  I still was going to drink - and then I woke up.  So I need to be of service today.  An old sponsee called me yesterday - and I am going to call my sober sister and I don't know - check on new comers and people I know that are struggling.  I don't know - okay - time for an alanon phone meeting where I can affirm I'm not a victim