Forgiveness and Structure.

I have a new sponsor right?  Well how do I explain this?  Let me start by saying how I have done something called a tenth step whenever I have been resentful - which is a lot - with a tenth step buddy.  In the tenth step you sort of clean up the resentment and move on with your day.  Well my new sponsor says something to the effect of if you are doing tons of tenth steps then your character defects are still in place - right?  Well one of my characters defects is being victimized by people.  I think.  I am very resentful anyway - angry, get my feelings hurt all the time and then remunerate over that shit for years - DECADES even.  Which is just me poisoning myself!  Is this making sense?  I don't know anyway I am going to just keep writing....so I am never forgiving is the short answer to this story.  I just hold on to that shit.  So I am going to practice forgiveness in 2018.  I forgave my father and it healed our relationship or at least it began the healing of our relationship.  Here's the thing - I am just going to have to practice this forgiveness shit because even writing this I am remembering things that hurt me, hurt my feelings, made me question relationships and just UGH I WANT TO HOLD ON TO THAT ANGER.  Then my left boob hurts.  That fucking boob is like an antennae now it's so crazy.  So I can practice forgiveness and I can start by forgiving myself.  We are all just doing the best we can.  Right?  I mean I know for years I couldn't act rightly - I was a sick and suffering alcoholic with untreated alcoholism.  So now I am treating my alcoholism, I go to therapy, I am in Alanon and guess what?  Still a mess and tell old ladies to go fuck themselves sometimes!  So imagine not having any of that or even knowing why or what it is that's wrong?  For other people I mean?  Why can't I let them be disasters too!?  I was a disaster!  Even well into sobriety (as you can tell by going back and reading ANY of this blog) I was a hot mess.  Okay well I feel like I am dancing around saying something but I'm not sure what.  I'm getting hungry.  Now to the structure portion....

I crave structure but I never knew it.  Or did I know it?  I have no idea but right now I am acutely aware of how much I need it and CRAVE it like a brownie.  Yum brownies.  I just am so off the ground and my head is so in the clouds that the structure helps me to have a day.  Yesterday I ate like 4 meals before 2:00 pm.  It was all healthy food but no not but....and then I was sort of confused about dinner and what in the fuck am I trying to say?  I have so much more structure in my life now than I used to and it feels like fresh air.  Now I want even more.  Structure me!  Structure this!  Organize my life!  I can waste 45 minutes staring at the wall!  There's nothing wrong with that unless it makes me feel bad.  I don't know I just want more structure.  Have a I made that point?  STRUCTURE.  Man I need to eat something.  I have been eating rice chex with almond milk - yum!  I fucking love food.  I LOVE FOOD AND STRUCTURE.  Who the fuck am I?  Okay Happy New Year!  Happy Fucking Structure and Forgived New Year!!!!

It all matters right?

I am home again on the couch.  It's freezing outside and I don't feel well but mostly I'm just exhausted.  I did one show this week and I hosted so it made me so tired.  Yesterday I had things to do and it just wiped me out.  That was it!  I can barely do anything!  So I am home binge watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.  It's wonderful!  Well anyway today while I was home and trying to drink tons of water because I also got very dehydrated I thought about how when I'm home I - ugh okay wait - let me say this in a different way.  I feel lie I sound like I am full of shit.  This morning while I was forcing myself to eat a healthy breakfast because all I have eaten lately is food that I want to eat which means it's food I shouldn't be eating and I have felt like it doesn't matter - this morning I realized it does matter.  It all matters.  It matters if I take care of myself - especially right now.  It matters that I think kind thoughts and just be nice to myself and let myself heal.  Healthy living matters.  Every little thing I can o to save my life right now matters.  It's that who cares and what does it matter that I think got me here to begin with.  The only problem is I don't know if I can do it.  I have been such a defeatist in so many ways in my life and I do often think whatever and who cares anyway.  But I care - I want to fucking live and I am terrified right now of not only this treatment but of the cancer coming back.  So it matters what I do, eat and think!  It all matters!!!  Jesus I know there needs to be balance also and I need to eat a piece of cake or whatever once in awhile....but I am already being compromised with this chemo and I need to offset that with healthy food and loving kind - other things.  So how do I do that?  How do I really take care of myself?  Especially when I'm sad, scared and triggered?  When I am like that I just want to eat mac and cheese.  Or a hot dog.  OR a burger with mac and cheese and a hot dog on it.  Yum!  I'm so exhausted and that just doesn't help any.  I mean eating like that.  Well anyway I'm not going to figure it out right now - somehow I thought I was going to.  I can only do what I can do today.  I can take care of myself at home today and work on tomorrow, tomorrow.  I'm going to meditate again - I'm so anxious and scared.  Very afraid of "out there."  Very anxious of outside my apartment.  Maybe I just don't want to leave and I am just saying I'm scared so I don't have to go outside.  Maybe it's both!!  Either way I'm not going outside!!  K love you Bluebie bye.

Sick Day.

Well today is a sick day.....I got that shot yesterday that makes me sick today but then I guess keeps me from getting a different kind of sick.  I had the last intense chemo on Tuesday and made it through somehow.  Can you believe this shit though?  I still can't believe it.  Except for the part where I didn't feel good a lot of the time.  I watched a TV show that I worked on - one of those episodics - and I looked so very tired and like I didn't feel well.  I worked on that just a month or two before I found out about the cancer.  I had cancer then!  Unbelievable.  Or very believable.  I don't know.  I don't know but I am almost done with this day - I slept for most of it and now it's getting dark.  I have on the diffuser with the lavender oil in it to help with the nausea.  For the next round of chemo they said I don't need this shot so I won't get as sick.  I wont actually have as many side effects.  I wont be as nauseas.  I will still be bald for awhile.  I guess I just have to practice acceptance.  My hair will grow back and I wont feel like this even so much by Saturday.  Also this is making me better.  And the cancer is out of me.  Wow right?  What the fuck.  The guy is bringing us dinner - I cant wait to see him.  I have been lonely today.  I can barely move though and talking on the phone sounds exhausting.  Lonely but not able to communicate very well.  Do I feel sorry for myself or what?  Good Lord.  Im going to turn on the TV and watch something - that will help.  Something funny.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I'm feeling blue...

I'm not depressed.  I'm just blue.  I went to the farm this weekend and my sister is doing such an amazing job, my father would be so proud of her.  I miss him though - I really do and I just left feeling so blue.  I think I miss exercising so much - I need to get myself on the treadmill today.  It's cold and gray.  I am so bald.  I have more chemo tomorrow and my veins hurt.  I guess I have reasons to feel blue but this feels chemical somehow.  I woke up after a good night's sleep and prayed & meditated so that was good.  I had a yummy, healthy breakfast.  I'm cooking brown rice and I am going to make a nice, healthy stir-fry.  OH BOY.  I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO AND I FEEL SAD.  I don't have cancer anymore - I have to keep telling myself that.  I am sick from chemo.  I am sad because I can't take my St. John's Wort and I can't exercise the way I would like.  I am nauseas a lot form the chemo so my food is all off also.  There's some days I can barely eat AND I LOVE FOOD.  I feel like all I talk about is food.  Okay so let's get this is perspective.  I'm just a little off myself that's all.  I can get on the treadmill.  Aren't I grateful that I have one?  Yes.  I can hear the birds outside - isn't that wonderful?  I can smell the rice cooking and that's making me feel better too.  Nice and warm.  I will get all ready and go about my day - go host that show tonight.  I can write first for it also.  Get myself and my head on straight.  Do the best I can.  Go wash my car!  It's a hot mess from driving in the snow.  I have things to do.  Stay as busy as I can without stressing myself out.  That's a balance.  Okay well I think this helped.  I just want to go back to bed.  Great!  Didn't help enough.  One of my sponsees sent me a sun lamp.  Why don't I go ahead and use it!  HELLO.  Wow.  I am just so scared about tomorrow.  It's the craziest thing doing this.  Like what the fuck am I doing to myself?  Saving my life.  I am saving my life.  Okay.  Okay.  OKAY.  Saving my life.  God let me have my feelings today, not wallow in them and for fuck's sake keep a good attitude.  I am in a nice, quiet, warm apartment and I'm making rice.  This is a beautiful thing.  I can go eat a cake if I want to and that's fucking fine.  I have a job to go to and another job to go to after that.  I have things to do that I love and if I want to cancel everything I can because I am going through something.  All I have to do is take care of myself.   I wrote that and my shoulders dropped.  Jeez.  I am such a shoulders up kind of person.  Tension and they go right up around my ears.  All good.  Man that rice smells delicious.  Thank you for listening - I really needed to just go off a little bit.  I feel better.  Isn't it strange how writing it down makes it a bit better.  I wonder why.  I guess it doesn't matter - love oyu Bluebie bye.

It's Saturday and I'm still bald.

I look craaaaazy.  Well yeah no I look crazy.  Wearing the wigs is so uncomfortable so I keep taking the wig off when I get in the car and last night I thought a guy was checking me out and then I realized he was just staring at me because I'm bald.  Checking me out in a different way!  Ah who cares.  Anyway I'm still bald.  Byeeeee.

Home and Bald.

I'm home today.....I'm also super bald......there's a few scraps of hair - well patches really but I'm bald.  I had my shot yesterday which makes me sick today and tomorrow.  Makes me feel like I have the flu.  I woke up this morning, prayed & meditated, then spoke to my Alanon sponsor and then took a nap for 3 hours!  Is it a nap when you sleep for 3hours?  Holy shit it's a half a night's sleep!  For some people.  Anyway I am not feeling so great but I had toast and a banana.  I'm having some coffee.  I wish I had ice cream.  Yum.  I don't know - I am not even sure why I am writing right now - I guess I just wanted to do something.  I want to go back to sleep but that just seems crazy.  Ugh so this kind of sucks but at least I'm home right?  It's so hard to convince myself this is helping me.  I just have one more round of this super intense chemo - thank God.  I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle.  I'm achy all over and bent over like a 90 year old.  Maybe an 85 year old.  What?  Blech.  Maybe I should watch a movie.  That's what people do when they are home sick right?  God Lord this is riveting.  Okay anyway the good news is I am home and in pj's under a cozy blanket and if I want I can go back to sleep.  It just makes me want to smoke pot so bad.  I feel hung-over and I used to smoke so much pot to get through the hang-over.  That's the scary part.  I just want to feel better - quickly.  It's not going to happen so I might as well watch a movie and go to sleep.  Love you Bluebie bye.

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN - YES I STILL GET PMS

Isn't that exciting?  I am getting PMS even though the chemo is most likely going to make me go through menopause.  Maybe it's the PMS from menopause.  The DVD player on this computer just popped open and scared the shit out of me.  So anyway I have more chemo this week and that is terrifying.  Scary?  Both?  I don't know.  Self-care is the ticket.  I am almost completely bald except for a bunch of patches.  Because my hair is so thick the patches are like little razor blades.  It is a rough look to say the least.  It looks like one of those mangy dogs that's chews at itself.  Ha it's awful.  I am wearing the wigs but they are awful.  Well I only have 2 and 1 is awful.  It's super cute with a hat on but with the hat off - yikes.  My sister said I looked like a serial killer last night.  That was sweet!  Anyway I can get some more wigs.  I have a show tonight.....I'm so nervous because the wig looks like a wig.  I mean the good wig that I have?  It still looks like a wig - just not as awful.  I wore it onstage last week and the audience said it looked like a wig.  There must be something I can do with it to make it look better.  I'm going to play around with it today.  They are fairly uncomfortable to wear and since I have those patches of hair they catch on the wig.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?  What am I going to do when my eyebrows and eyelashes fall out?  I will just get onstage and fucking talk about it.  That's what I did last week - fuck it.  I am not sure about tonight though - I have never performed at this place.  It's a challenge.  That's all - it's a challenge.  Accept the challenge and do my best.  Yeah.  Make a choice.  Get some more hats and wigs.  Yeaaaaah.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.