Thursday, March 29, 2012

I can't stop.

I watched 4 - no 3 episodes last night - what the fuck is wrong with me? i already know - you don't need to tell me. I did practice my uke a bit and sing a little and I took the dog on a loooong walk. Ugh - I'm just no good at serious structure being imposed by myself. I need a life manager. I got to write a little bit here today. I'm trying to just do the job I'm supposed to do and not do extra work that no one asked me to do. Right? I'm waiting for this guy to show up and pick up a head shot from me. Yesterday when he was here waving at me from across the street I thought he was waving at someone else. I forgot I told him to meet me here to pick it up and I was like "Awww - that man is so cute - I'm pretending he is smiling at me but he's probably smiling at his family behind me." Turns out he was smiling at me and when I told him I thought maybe he was maybe my husband he said - in the GAAAAAYEST voice "Well - you never know!!! A sense of humor is very important to me!!!" Then he hugged me and said "Byyyeeee - niiice toooo meeeet you!!" Do you know the craziest part?? I'm still thinking maybe we could be together!! What the serious fuck is that? He even had gay teeth. Okay - deep breath - it was so nice he wasn't completely pissed off that I forgot the headshot. I want to sing a song on Saturday night but I feel like I'm cheating. Why? I wrote the song - it's funny and I am doing comedy Saturday night. Why do I always feel like I am cheating if I do something that might work performance wise? I impose these rules on myself that don't exist - just like with here. Fucking bizarre. I am trying to check my intentions. I have to fill up the time and that is a great way to fill up the time. I guess I just think it should be a more present day song. Christ - neurotic at it's best. Ruminate, ruminate. bye Blueberry - love you SO FUCKING MUCH. Too much? I appreciate you being here - how about that? I wish I were a more productive member of society. Bye.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Totally got to work late....

and I'm not showered and I didn't walk the dog or pray&meditate. Why? Because I watched 4 episodes of Law and Order AFTER I watched Desperate Housewives and Endgame. TV was my first addiction and it is seriously still a problem. I was so mad and resentful at coming here today and I kept thinking how bad I felt for myself that I was late and didn't have time to take care of myself and I was trying to think what she would say if she called and realized I was a half hour late almost......and I was like "Oh - of COURSE I'm late - I couldn't wake up!! I drank an Americano at 8:30 at night and then watched 6 HOURS of TV and so I'm EXHAUSTED!! You should feel sorry for me and be grateful I even SHOWED UP." How fucking ridiculous is that? I am so lucky I have a job to come to and when the fuck am I going to grow up and put myself to sleep when I know I have to wake up? So insane. It's freezing today - holy cow. Unbelievable - bye Bluebers.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Did a show tonight....

to get myself ready for a show on Saturday night. It was fun actually. Huh - I'm not sure what else to say. I am still in pain from this medicine and anytime I eat gluten it super effects me. Perhaps affects me. Well - so I took care of myself last night and today - I told my therapist about it and I said maybe other people don't need as much self-care as I do and she said "Maybe other people don't have as hard of time being nice to themselves." She said it differently than that but that's what she meant and that's the truth. Okay - well - I'm learning. I just realized I have 2 years and 7 months sober almost. Huh - well - whatever - one day at a time. I realized tonight at that show that I could seriously use some writing time and some performance at home time. You know - memorize the set I'm going to do. Also have more integrity about the work. I'm no longer petrified to perform and I'm enjoying it. I still get totally nervous but not in the same sticking way. SO okay - I can feel the desire for it to be more art like. What? I just want to make a better fucking cake that's all. I'm hungry for a delicious cake not just something sugary. And by cake I mean art and by art I mean, for this discussion - comedy. I felt like I had something funny to say but I guess not. Okay - gotta get myself ready for work tomorrow!! Love you Bluebers. PS I'm reading the 4 agreements everyday as part of my prayer & meditation and it is helping SO FUCKING MUCH. Slowly but surely. PSS I just downloaded that song My Valentine by Paul McCartney so I could dance to it. I thought it was Michael Buble singing it. Weird.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

So I just went and

spoke at this meeting - where I was a mess because I am a mess. Two things people said that I found so interesting - 3 things. The first was a girl who said she feels like a little kid (and I guess she has 4 years sober?) because she doesn't want to put herself to bed, eat the right food or take care of herself. Fascinating!! It never occurred to me that putting myself to bed is actually a grown-up thing to do. It also still fascinated me that EVERYTHING isn't an act of God. Like I need to be divinely inspired to even put myself to sleep. Jesus. Okay - the other thing was a woman after the meeting who said she used to be so much better at certain things before she got sober. Better cook, better house cleaner - better cat care taker. But she said the inside wasn't good - of her. I just realized that because she is taking better care of her she has nothing for those other things? I don't know - I'm so uncomfortable and even this typing hurts my shoulders. The 3rd thing was a woman who said she also has Lyme and how she attributes it to a lot of her depression. Whatever - I will get better - I really believe in the Snake Doctor and right now is just not a good time. I'm going to lie down and pray and meditate and be grateful I have the time to take care of myself. I think I need to be very gentle and easy on myself right now. Just breathe and take it easy. Things are going to shift and change and it will be okay. Okay - bye.

Friday, March 23, 2012

I feel like I am on fire.

I think this medicine is really doing something - I keep feeling like I am on fire - it's AWFUL. Now I am going to do some tiny research and see if it is also possible that because I ate white breads yesterday maybe this is also part of it. I mean - what the fuck. I noticed this a few days ago but I thought I was imagining it but now today - for sure - there is this fire going all through my body and my shoulders and wrists are sooooo sore. Well - okay - hold on. Okay - holy fuck - right - I am having a herxheimer reaction AND I am also sensitive to the yeast. However - what is really happening is the herx reaction. Um - no wonder I'm so fucking tired and unable to do that AWFUL job. I mean - Christ - my poor body. Okay - huh - there are all these forums where people are talking about the co infections that you can get from the Lyme Disease. This girl I trained the other day said the Lyme Disease can eat at your brain. Um - she also had a mustache - told me she didn't smoke, reeked of cigarette smoke and as she was leaving put a cigarette on the counter with a lighter so she could light up RIGHT away. She's probably not the person I should be taking medical advice from. Okay - so I just did even more research and you know what? People who have chronic Lyme Disease can be really sick - have serious brain fog, fatigue - blah, blah blah. Here's the thing - I beat myself up so much for drinking and I am perhaps just really feeling what is going on in my body with my Lyme Disease. Okay - I'm going to stop writing. I'm going to keep reading - this is helping. Bye Blueberry - love you.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Well.

Well last night I went to this workshop - okay - a seminar? I paid $45.00 to audition (read 2 pages of sides) for literally 4 minutes with this guy who works at Fox. I mean - he was a total sweetheart and the sides were actually really funny - buuuut - what? I was a disaster by the time I got there and I got there WAY too fucking early. I trained a girl here yesterday and that was so stressful. The whole time I was training her she was asking me personal questions. I mean REALLY personal and STARING at me. She was actually fine (minus the mustache - what the fuck is THAT?) and thank GOD someone else will be working here but....I walked to the "audition" and so I was - Christ I don't know. It was just really awkward - I told him the teacher I was working with and he was NOT impressed - at all. I hadn't taken a shower yesterday - I woke up too late. Okay - here is the thing - I'm tired, I'm unshowered and I didn't get o pray or meditate. I did eat a yogurt and a nut bar instead of the bacon omelet I was going to get. There's some progress. I got completely fucked up by picking up this Monday here - totally threw off my schedule. When will I believe that me saying no because it isn't good for me will actually reap more rewards. Another good part is that someone else is taking the next 2 Mondays and I never have to do them again and I never will. That being said - what? I don't know. I wish I could go for a walk, pray & meditate, take a shower and then take a nap. I'm doubting this whole acting thing again. Well - okay - look if I decide I don't want to do it - fine - from a place of power. Okay - I can't decide yet and I can't decide anything until I am in a clean, fresh place. I'm so lonely - so tired of sleeping alone. My heart center is so closed. People keeping stopping to look at the clothes - act like they want to come in - look at me and then walk away with a weird look on their face. I still have to call Quickbooks again and I just don't want to. You know the craziest part? I'm so lucky that this is what I'm dealing with. These are the problems I'm trying to work out. I just have to have faith and trust. Trust and believe that saying no is the right thing to do. No qualms about it.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Hiiiiii Blueberry Blog....

Soooo - so - wow. I worked here at the store yesterday and it was insane. I am actually having a Lyme flare up (I don't mean to brag) and I was so uncomfortable. Plus getting downtown to therapy was a nightmare. Anyway - here's what is good. I'm here today - I put myself to bed last night and I got to pray/meditate/yoga, bathe AND walk the dog before I left. A miracle. Holy SHIT I also finally realized I need a PDF file converter on my computer and I downloaded one and was able to print out my sides for class on Wednesday night. Amazing. A woman just came in and I would guess she's in her 50's - so thin - soooo thin and she smelled like that baby powder weird, dusty smell that some women (and that one guy at work) smell like. What is that? It's so odd. I'm learning new things Bluebie. I really don't want to get into for your sake or anyone else's buuuut - I sort of am having a breakthrough. It's all about feeling my feelings but not GOING CRAZY with them and understanding what people do has nothing to do with me. I know - hello - these are things normal people know and let themselves do anyway. Christ Almighty. I was just so annoyed about the other girl who works here because she literally piled probably 2000 dollars worth of purses all on top of each other - just dumped them. Then I was like "Wait a minute - she didn't do this because of me - she just did it." Okay - look - she's still an a-hole - who DOES that? But - who cares? I mean - I CARE but it's not personal - she's just a mess and was in a rush or whatever. This is all so tedious. I got into it and said I wouldn't. OH WELL. Bye Blueberry.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Saturday night off!

Amazing. I got ready and was about to leave and she sent a message saying I wasn't needed tonight - too slow. Which is amazing because there is a troupe of bag pipe players who rent out the comedy club every St. Patty's Day and it is (as you can imagine) a NIGHTMARE!!! They are all wasted, playing bag pipes, babies, women - DUDES - insanity. Sooo - amazing - I have the night off. I'm going to use it being creative. I just tried signing up for Skype - I have no idea if it worked - I really don't have a lot of staying power with things. I had class last night and do you know what he said? He was telling a story and he was about to read us an article from 1947 - which is great - and funny. He's a funny person and I started laughing and he was like "What?" Someone else said "She has a great sense of humor!!" And while I was saying "You're funny - you're a funny person!!" - he said "Yes - she is funny - she lights up a room - she (my name) lights up a room!!" Huh - go figure. I had no idea. Well it shut me up I can tell you that much. Class was good - small - not a lot of people come on Friday nights. Anyway - I woke up all crazy today but I really just went forward taking care of myself....I prayed/meditated, did my little Yoga routine, took my medicines, dry skin brushed, drank my green drink and showered. I took the dog on a niiiice long walk and I went downstairs and was social and held the baby. This is so nice having a Saturday night off. It's so quiet and peaceful right now as the sun is setting. I keep having dreams of people holding me while I sleep. They seem so REAL. It's so crazy. It's so NICE. Wouldn't it be nice to have Saturday night off and have a wonderful, nice, fun boyfriend to spend it with? I miss dates. Dating. That being said I really also am enjoying the freedom I am giving myself right now to not be dating. Okay - I'm going to work on my monologue for class. I love you Bluebie!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

One more thing about class....

We go out one person before us in order to warm-up - get ready and you can go backstage or go out in the hallway. I went out in the hallway and was going over my lines near the elevator where there's another little hallway where you can't see anyone but I could still be heard by the people waiting for the elevator and vice verse. WELL some big rehearsal for something got out that was clearly musical theater so all these loud people were waiting for the elevator singing and being all drama and it started to annoy me until I realized this meant I could talk and go over my lines without anyone caring because that is the fucking point of that whole building. It's all rehearsal studios or something to do with theater. SO - so I felt so much better rehearsing - so much freer and then I realized I can always do that. I can always feel free rehearsing - so what if people think I'm crazy - isn't that going to happen anyway and it felt so GOOD. Okay - here's the other thing - I couldn't stay in the moment after it was over my monologue. I got so - in my head and weird. Who can stay present all the time? Meryl Streep? No way. Maybe. I don't know - it's fucking HARD. Bye.

Just got back from class.....

I went last and I did the piece once and he loved it and now wants me to move on to something else. He really loved it. I now think he is gay. I also don't think it matters and what really matters is that I actually have tools to use. I worked on it - memorized it, warmed up - listened to his directions. I also understood where the piece was coming from and I got it to where it was coming out of me - in an easy way. I fucking FOCUSED. Jesus. It really helped that I let myself meditate for a looong time this morning and even though I got really sad about my uncle and my cousin and I thought of them all day and tonight on the way home - I got myself focused. The meditating and doing the work - I'm getting in better shape. He - I don't know I I don't get him but it doesn't matter he is doing his job and he is doing it REALLY well. That chick made me so uncomfortable on the way out. I don't know - who cares? So people who are weird make me uncomfortable and then I shove chips in my face and try to make a joke of it - SO WHAT? I need to walk the dog. This whole process is so fascinating. I never thought I could actually act on purpose. Amazing - this is amazing. Boy and do I just want to talk myself out of it and talk about my teacher and blah blah blah. New guy in class tonight - AWESOME. Totally helped. Inspiring. Okay BLuebie Bye.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Sad...

I'm just sad. Lonely - but I'm clean and I just cleaned my room, did laundry. I qualified at a meeting tonight and it wasn't good. Who cares right? Right now though I am lonely and sad. Ugh - sad about my uncle and cousin. So sad - what am I doing? I should just get in bed. Life is so hard and sad. Hold on to the happy moments. Um - seriously? Okay - it's going to be okay. Tomorrow is a new day. All these meetings - all this work - for what? What is the fucking point? Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled therapy today and done that. I just have PMS. Did I mention I'm clean? That is a miracle I don't care if it isn't for anyone else. Maybe this Lyme Disease medicine is making me a little sad too. Okay - that stupid episode of Desperate Housewives made me upset too. Jesus - it's not even real. Okay - I'm going to work on this monologue - fold my clean clothes and go to bed. Bye Blueberry - I love you.

Zombie Dreams

That's a new one for me - I have never dreamt about Zombies before. I was living on some ranch and there were Zombies that only came out at night I guess? They were there - we fought them - then the next thing I knew the Zombies were hiding. I had a shotgun and everyone had guns and were trained to fight the Zombies. It was so weird. It was scary but it wasn't THAT scary - I mean Zombies are so sloooow and somehow - I don't know - I have had way scarier dreams than that. Ones that have woken me up. I saw my friend yesterday and we had such a nice time - she is such a dear, sweet friend. I really am so lucky to have her in my life. She really gets me - we are so similar. I mean we are very different but yet - so similar. Anywho - so now I just did some Yoga, got a good night's sleep and walked the dog and now I am going to go get her special treats, do some service at a meeting and then run errands and come home so I can get ready for my work week. I need to get outside - it's goooorgeous out. Okay - love you Blueberry - I will write more later.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Okay - I have to stop gossiping.

That's it - I have to stop letting people who are crazy - make me crazy and acting on it. And then I have to stop talking about it. I have to see through how awful it all makes me feel. I could have have such a nicer day today - made so much more money doing that pre-show. Okay - I'm already talking about it. Detach - I have to detach and I have to somehow make it through this night - I'm so tired now.

What do I need to do to feel good about myself?

There it is. What do I need to do to feel good about myself and I hate to quote Creepy but I will and to wake up happy? I do have that power right? I think I need a vacation. This woman just asked me what the point to this store is. That is a dicky question right? I mean - seriously. Maybe if I felt better about myself I wouldn't care so much. I would still think she's an asshole though.

Let's see....

I'm at the store - it's quiet so far today but s woman just bought a beautiful, really expensive Indian necklace so that's good. It's gold, diamonds, sapphires and something else I'm not sure of. Really pretty - she was very sweet. I am so grumpy and I realized I have PMS. I woke up too early and went back to sleep and had terrible dreams. Creepy woke me up rushing around to get ready for his guests coming and it made me so mad until I realized that in 20 minutes I was going to be rushing around because I was already running late. I totally saw how his behavior that bothered me was the behavior I do myself that is so ridiculous. I also couldn't walk the dog and I was getting sick to my stomach and so upset and then I thought "Why am I doing this? I know how upset this makes me - either don't be upset or wake up early enough to walk her and not beat myself up all day." I mean - really? I just need to start seeing things through the way I see through how having a drink would be. I never see a drink through and think - oh yeah - that will be a great way to end my day - half naked in the street crying. So if I go back to sleep 15 minutes before I'm supposed to wake up - I probably won't start my day well. I got here and I was so mad about this chick who works here and then I was like "Oh - here we go - all her awful things are all things I do or have done." PLUS I was feeling like a victim of her and not appreciated and blah blah blah and it's not true. I said no to working today and I could have just stuck with that. The end. I am so afraid to say no and not act from a desperate place. I have no faith that me taking care of myself is the right way to go. Well - so I see it. Lady Wonder said I should write down all my money - everything I spend and make. Haven't started - don't want to do it. Okay - I'm going to go. I feel like this has been so negative. I smell weird from not showering. I'm just out of balance. Bye Bluebie.

Friday, March 9, 2012

I got my taxes done today

and wow - not what I wanted. I was hoping for a refund but this second job puts me in a different bracket and now I have to pay. Here's the good part - I talked it out with Her Lady Wonder and now I just need to really focus on - Jesus - being more careful and aware of my money. That was so hard to write. Okay - so there it is. She also said I can call the IRS and set up a payment plan - so okay. Last year I paid my taxes so late that I had to pay a fine. Holy fuck!! So I did them on time - and well - whatever. Okay - so I went to class tonight and that was wonderful. It's so weird to say this but it's time for me to grow. I mean - audition. I have the pictures, I'm getting in shape in class - now I just need to focus. Jesus - I wrote that and I felt my whole brain shift. Focus. Okay - I'm so tired. I was soooooooo grumpy after I left the tax guy and he is SO nice and really was great but I came home - walked home and took a nap and when I got up I was soooo grumpy. I didn't want to go to class or the meeting. I felt better after the meeting and then I went to the diner with the ladies and it was SO fun - so great to laugh. So the time I got to class I was so much less miserable. I'm working at the store tomorrow and then at the club tomorrow night - long day. I have absolutely no idea what I was just going to write. I need ot go to sleep - long day tomorrow. I can feel something growing - changing - I don't know. Well - tomorrow is a new day and I'm so grateful I'm sober - that's all. How much harder would this day have been? I would have gotten WASTED after the tax guy or eaten a cow or both. I also realized when I took my nap that sometimes I wouldn't even have been getting out of bed until that time - 3:30. How sad is that? Isn't that the saddest thing thinking of someone sleeping until 3:30? So my life is so much better. I should say this also - tonight in class I realized how acting is PLAYING. Right? I was having trouble with my monologue because I was trying to make it to realistic and he had this girl come up and sit with me and it changed EVERYTHING. She was so generous and it made it so much easier to PLAY. She's really quite wonderful this girl. I mean I love her acting also - and she is sweet and nurturing. I mean without being annoying. She's funny. I really like the class so much - I LOVE it - what am I saying!! Now I need to just - oh THAT'S what I was going to say. My friend from the comedy club - he said if I'm afraid of it - that's what I have to do. SO NOW - I have to face auditioning and putting it out there. Okay - let's start with that. Bye Bluebie - love you.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Let me start with something positive which seems

IMPOSSIBLE right now. Thak God I never said anything to the creepy landlord before I left and thank GOD for my sponsor who already talked me down once today. I got NO sleep and well - okay - that's not positive. I'm clean. I just ate a delicious danish and now I feel better. I have coffee and water. Okay - the owner here at the store makes me so nervous. she asked me to switch my schedule and I don't want to. Let me ask Miss Jones? NO - I HATE working on Mondays. Okay - Lady Wonder already told me to not make any decesions and just take it easy since I had no sleep and that's no place to act from. I'm just so upset - what am I doing? Why am I here in this city? I'm not an actress - I'm a waitress and a boutique worker whi=o takes a class. FUCK - this isn't positive. I'm so tired - he was smoking all night long. I don't want to work here and I'm terrified I will get fired. I hate living there (most of the time) and I petrified he will ask me to leave. I'm between a rock and another rock and there's a rock on top of me also. Exhausted. Well - I don't mean to brag but I have to put these shirts in the computer and out on the floor. I think it is fair to say I am feeling VERY sorry for myself and that I am - okay - tired. Bye Blueberry - sad hugs and kisses. Just hugs - kissingmakes me uncomfortable.

Monday, March 5, 2012

That little fucking turd keeps smoking

under my window and guess what? Now he's drinking again. When I walked downstairs to walk the dog tonight the living room reeked of booze before I got in there and he said hello - I said hello and then he said "HELLO!!" I turned around and I said "I said hello! You said hello - I said hello - I said hello!" Then he said in his stupid Russian accent - "Oh I am very sorry I missed your hello - oh hello." But in a drunk dicky way. What a fucking turd. Why am I here? What am I seriously doing? I don't make enough money - I really don't - how am I supposed to save any money ever? That psycho chick who works at the boutique went OFF on me - holy nuts on a stick. The only good part was I called my sponsor instead of getting REALLY into with her and without involving the owner. I'm still so stuck in this pattern of behavior - being victimized by people. I keep taking care of myself, going to meetings, reading, praying & meditating and I try to be nice to these guys but it's SO hard. They are AWFUL and Creepy creeps me out and this one - Princess Turd is a TURD. It literally reeks of smoke in here and Christ I'm doing this Lyme Disease medicine which will compromise my immune system. All he would have to do is at LEAST sit on the fucking bench 3 feet away. Hold on - I'm going to spit out the window. Oh I can't - he's actually sitting out there. I have to save myself and I don't know how to. He's on the phone I guess or talking to himself. I should go lock him out. He's not interesting enough to talk to himself. Now I'm wide awake and furious plus it reeks of smoke. I can turn on the fan - I guess I will do that. The poor dog. What am I supposed to do? My stomach keeps hurting also - I can't get my power over this. I hate that little fucking freeloader so much. What a horrible little fucking person. Hello yourself you little fucking prick. I guess I will pray right now - I have a busy, long day tomorrow. I'm so bored and lonely too - this is so weird. I'm sober and I should be so grateful and I am but what the fuck? I have no idea what the proper way is. This way - one day things will shift and change. Okay - bye Blueberry.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Sooo really quick....

I had the whole day and night off last night and I cleaned, did laundry, went to a meeting, went to the diner, bought myself some make-up, paid my rent, walked, watched FOUR episodes of Breaking Bad (THANK YOU LADY PEON) and dyed my hair and gave myself a manicure and a pedicure. I also did yoga and prayed and meditated. Today I went to the Snake Doctor and I'm starting my next round of Lyme Disease fixing medicine. So crazy - all this. I think I have also forgiven myself for not being Angelina Jolie. I think I'm embracing being ME. I'm trying at tleast - no I am. Okay - gotta go to a meeting then work. Byeeeeeeee Bluebie.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Holy fucking dirty cow.

I finally took a shower this morning and do you know that I was so thrown off by my sudden lapse in self-care that I was a fucking disaster until - well I still am one. I was so over-stimulated by that class and then all up in my head about it and I fell apart. I was so crazy when I got home from work last night and I got terrible sleep. I had bad dreams and I had cramps - maybe from my Chinese food? It is just so fucking hard for me to consistently take care of myself. The cigarette smoke was so bad last night and Creepy was up banging around like a maniac this morning because it's the 1st and he wants the rent. When I was in my room hearing him I would have thought he was rearranging the house he was being so loud. I come out of my room and everything looks the same. He is so horrible. You know what I thought this morning though? I know this - I know this guy - he is awful and full of shit, a total liar and a COMPLETE narcissist - but I get it - I know what's going to happen. He will be awful. I have to take responsibility and move. I just have to let myself MOVE. I'm such a mess about my acting teacher - it's so awful. I'm a worried, nervous mess. I did dance a little bit last night and play my ukulele and the harmonica - so that was good. The whole time I was fighting being creeped out by Creepy. On the train on the way home last night this woman got on and was getting right in people's faces and saying "Can you buy me a piece of chicken - I'm gonna die - please buy me a piece of chicken??" Then when they said no - which of course they did (and I did) - what does that even mean?? Get off the train with this BIG toothless women - find a chicken place and then get her chicken - one piece - and get back on the train?? So when certain people said no she said "You're lucky I'm in a good fucking mood." One guy got in a fight with her. She wasn't dying or anywhere close to it but she was an alcoholic for sure. She had that skin tone an alcoholic gets when they got their drink on but not too much. Just enough. It was so weird and awful and I prayed for her and was grateful I'm not drunk. I totally got where she was coming from - I really did. My favorite part was when she asked people what they were reading and how they were doing and if they needed any help working anything out emotionally. So she was also trying to just randomly start up a casual, helpful conversation with people like she hadn't just been a total psycho to 5 other people 2 feet away. "Oh - what are reading - is that a religious book? Are you doing okay today??" I have to just keep on this self-care thing also......I could not get myself looking cute yesterday when I didn't take a shower. I didn't want to waste my cute clothes on a dirty body. My whole day got worse and worse from me not showering. And I didn't take care of myself the night before so it went into the morning. Okay - well - today is a new day - I have a clean body, hair and I have on a super cute dress from - you guessed it - TJ Maxx and I can pay my rent (EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT TO) and I can eat healthy food and I recognize I am in a crazy spot. I think I am in reality. Which means I'm probably not. Ha - oh I almost just laughed - we are getting somewhere. I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!! Bye. Good luck and God Speed.