Okay - so - so why am I writing right now?

I have no idea - I can't remember - it seemed so important.  My habits are changing.  Do you know I started to get sober and I couldn't stop living the life I had while I was drinking.  I mean I still stayed up really late all the time - I was alone way too much - I isolated and I was FILLED with rage.  I had no idea how to do anything.  I just got home from work and even though I could have fallen right into bed I did my night routine to take care of myself.  I think I look so much better suddenly and I think the lack of coffee is a huge part of it.  Also the park the last 2 days - holy cow it's been glorious.  Sunny - water, birds, trees - I love it so much.  It is absolute heaven to me to go into that park.  I also get a huge kick out of eating at home - making food here.  DO you know today I cooked, cleaned, did dishes, hand washed my clothes and cleaned the bathroom and I was in heaven.  It would have been especially amazing if I had a boyfriend here.  I miss the guy so much but I see him at work and that is okay.  He's being really sweet and funny and that makes it so hard somehow.  It makes me go into fantasy land and the reality is that he isn't my boyfriend and it isn't what I want.  I'm going to see my parents tomorrow so that will be nice.  There are so many things about him I really like so much - he's great and really so fun.  Okay - well - but - so what?  I don't know - I mean I do know.  It's so sad and annoying.  I got to work tonight so that's fantastic.  I'm a tiny bit closer to paying off the man.  You know - the government man.  Taxes.  Why do people call the government "the man?"  Or maybe that isn't what people call it?  I JUST REMEMBERED why I wanted to write so badly!!  oh my GOD I left work so awkwardly.  It was so uncomfortable.  I was saying bye and Happy Easter to everyone and it was so weird and forced and I don't know - just fucking inauthentic really.  Plus I was flustered because the guy hugged me so super tight and kissed me on the check and it flustered me and then it makes me think weird untrue thoughts.  Okay - there.  You know what else I realized?  Besides that I'm really full of shit sometimes?  It's SO OBVIOUS when I am full of shit and awkward.  Maybe.  I don't know - who fucking cares - what matters is that I was so uncomfortable and I just said to myself that I would have to just go through the discomfort of being uncomfortable - that it would change (even though I never REALLY totally believe that) and that I have ways to self-soothe now.  So I came home, I'm in pj's and I have clean teeth, a clean bed and a sweet Granny dog beside me so that is soothing right?  I'm so tired now.  I feel like more layers are coming off somehow.  I just need to keep exercising - I think that's a huge part of it.  What?  Good night sweet Blueberry.  Tomorrow is fucking Easter - AGAIN!!  I wonder what really happened with Jesus - what his story was - what was really happening there.  I love you bye.

Lord.

Now I don't want to be an actress anymore.  I'm not kidding.  I don't want to be a comedian - I mean - I never did - not really - it something that happened and I was good at it - had some beginners luck at it and now - now I just - I don't want to do it.  I don't want to go out every night and I don't want to go on auditions - not really.  My heart isn't in it!  It just isn't.  Now my stomach hurts - am I lying to myself?  I want to own a store.  I want to move to California and own a store - I'm over this struggle and I am over waitressing and I am over trying to get back to acting.  Fuck it.  I want to dance again and still totally be involved in the arts abut I want to own a store.  There.  There I said it.  Now for the integrity.  I need to have integrity about the life I do have now and I love my acting class and I love it here and my apartment.  So.  So how do I do this?  I still need another job right now so how do I do that and work towards this goal?  I have no idea.  And have integrity - in all ways.  I guess just start by doing that - having integrity.  It's nice out today and I look nice although no make-up or hair yet.  Bye Bluebs.

More goals.

1. Get a new couch and get rid of the mouse that lives in mine while having half the tenacity that little shit has.
2. Get my apartment all put together really cute for not a lot of money.
3. Start traveling.
4. Get an awesome, sweet, wonderful, fun, funny, sober, healthy, loyal, creative with a job boyfriend.
5. Get clean inside and meditate more often.
6. Move someplace warm and gorgeous and amazing.  What?

Okay bye.

Goals.

When was the last time I wrote a goals list?  Who knows?  I'm trying not to panic although I am panicking for real.  I have a bad feeling and that is not good.  I hate April - it's where all bad things happen - everyone seems to die in April.  Um - REALLY?  I just am seriously nervous.  Well I guess I have no control right - over anything other than myself.  Jesus and not even that so much.  Okay so - what about some goals? 

1. Drink more pure water (no bubbles)
2. Exercise more - start jog walking at least twice a week and continue on my nightly small yoga routine (short not small)
3. Do my best to get really cute and do my absolute best a this job every day (minus today where I couldn't shower because I was late from not being able to get out of bed because I had a gallon less coffee yesterday and so I was so asleep it was insane)
4. Get a new job - from a place of love.
5. Do loving kind things for myself everyday.
6. Get auditions - at least one a week or at least try everyday to submit myself for some.
7. So take time each day to get a new job and get auditions.
8. Keep drinking lots of green tea and NO STARBUCKS.
9. Start doing sit-ups as part of my end of the night short yoga routine.
10.Wake up and accept every day - start getting happy asap in the morning and grateful.

Alright - that's all I can focus on right now.  Now I need to get my balls in check and ask my teacher if I can just take class once a week and pay him only half for April.  Is that what I want?  I don't know - I really don't.  I was going to ask him last night but then I just wasn't sure so I didn't.  Now I'm still not.  Okay - bye.  Love you Bluebie.

Love and Belief.

So I just read that post title that says "I'm so lonely it hurts."  Wow - well okay - it almost made me laugh so that's good.  I am home from my acting class which was okay but the best part was the epiphany I had there tonight.  I have sort of been working towards this epiphany and it needs to germinate more but this is it.  Well first I must say it was inspired in 2 parts by my sister.  First part the book she sent and the second was the blog post SHE wrote.  I t was about turning points and loving herself.  It was very inspiring and it made me realize I am at a turning point now.  I am at a true point where I can keep - actually I can't - I can't keep going down this road and I don't even want to.  I want to grow pas this part of my life - I'm done.  I suddenly don't feel as upset about the guy.   mean - I will again but there is a freedom I feel.  I came home, made myself tea, fed the dog, strolled the dog in circles.  She's so old that I can't even call it walking.  She strolls and then she goes in circles a lot.  It's what she wants to do and she's happy doing it so whatever.  Now part of this book says a big part of the success of people who get sober is that they BELIEVE they will get sober.  Did I write about this already?  In an effort to save money I am not drinking Starbuck's and so I only had my morning coffee this morning and I am OUT OF IT.  That being said it's great.  What?  Oh - um - ugh - right my epiphany.  So I realized the other day it's been years since I have believed in my art and it's hard to have a fighting spirit when you have no belief.  SO - that's amazing.  Then after that audition last week I realized I just need to LOVE my art more - LOVE it.  So.  So tonight in class I was like "I just have to love and believe - that's it - just love and believe."  Then I did somewhat mediocre work and I sort of talked back to the teacher but - overall it was a great experience.  Love and believe.  Love myself, love my life, love my art - set myself free from that job but not until I have ANOTHER job - safely - so especially from a loving place.  I don't have to worry about the guy anymore so that is good - I can focus on me and taking care of myself and the dog.  Lord - when I pick her up her bones crack in her back.  Also - I feed her this special food and she doesn't love it so much - can I just give her cheeseburgers now or what?  I mean - come on - she's 112 for fuck's sake - can't she eat whatever she wants?  I'm so tired.  Okay - well - I smell cigarette smoke and I did last night but I have no idea what to do!!  They go in the super's office - how's that going to stop?  Isn't it crazy that it happened again?  I feel really bad for the guy right below me - holy cow.  Love you Bluebers. 

I feel sick.

to make a long story short - he slept over Saturday night (after I waited 21/2 hours for him - he didn't ask me to but I did), held me the entire night, took the rest of his stuff and then yesterday came over for lunch.  I didn't have sex with him again but today - today I feel horrible.  I'm not explaining myself.  It's because yesterday when he got off the train it felt like we were together again and all the same stuff started happening again - jealousy, obsession - just overall feeling awful.  I don't know - I'm a mess right now.  Getting my taxes done yesterday didn't help AT ALL.  I totally owe money and I was hoping to get a refund.  He was like "That's why I don't pay taxes."  Um - what?  Oh I am a mess right now - Sunday is Easter and I'm supposed to go home and now I don't want to.  Okay - look it's just a crazy time - that's all.  What?  Why did I break up with him and then KEEP GOING OUT WITH HIM?  Fuck.  Alright - more will be fucking revealed.  I need some water and a colonic.  Just kidding.  How about a vacation?  I'm fucking miserable right now.  Okay - I'm well fed, I have an apartment - I have jobs - it's okay - I will be okay.  I just have to get my power back AGAIN now.  Alright - whoa.  Bye Blueberry.

Whoops?

I'm saying whoops because I'm not even sure how much of a whoops it is really.  He came over today to get his stuff, his son called while he was here and I cried, he held me and then we had amazing sex.  Amazing.  What the fuck is that?  He was being so nice and he - I LIKE him.  Fucking - a I can't do that anymore.  I even didn't shave to help avoid it.  When has that ever worked in the history of sex?  Oh - if I don't shave I won't want to have sex with him.  Right.  Anyway - he was like "I was slowly moving away from you to make it less painful - I still like you so this is hard."  Meaning breaking up is hard.  Okay - look he was really nice about me crying and whatever - the sex was AMAZING.  Fuck.  He took his TV at least.  Now for his printer, heart and shorts.  He needs to move his heart out of here.  At least it's honest now.  At least there's that.  I do not even a little bit feel broken up with him.  Maybe a little actually - maybe a little.  It was really heart breaking listening to him talk to his son.  I could hear him and it was so - so sweet.  I mean I could hear his son's voice.  Ugh - and his ex's - ugh.  She sounds nice actually.  Ouch.  So much ouch.  Next Sunday is Easter I think.  Oh boy I'm so tired now.  Class was amazing last night - I really did that monologue - I fucking just let it happen.  It was so fucking intense.  The class was whopping and whistling when it was over and honestly I kind of couldn't take it.  I'm not a good receiver of applause.  Am I seriously bragging and putting myself down a the same time?  Yes - yes I am.  Okay well I need to do my dishes and get ready for work.  I haven't been outside yet today.  Bye Bluebers - I love you.

Oh ugh.

I woke up so early - the cigarette smoke from the super - I guess I also slept enough.  I woke up upset thinking how - I don't know - I guess I feel victimized by this but why?  It's not working out that's all.  He wanted to stay at work last night and drink.  So he had been in Jersey for days, hadn't tried to reach me once and then wanted to stay at work and drink.  Um - what?  Why am I writing this?  I'm mad and I feel stupid and what the fuck?  It's like I'm so desperate for scraps - for anything.  It's so fucking awful - it was so loving at first - so sweet and loving and - ugh - whatever.  And then he showed up high for one of our first dates.  Um - our first date?  Then a week later got so wasted at the Christmas party he lost his new laptop.  Then a whole bunch of other things.  Then I was so unhappy and crazy.  He doesn't want me to be crazy but the love wasn't growing and - why am I so fucking mad and upset?  How do people do this?  Just break up with people and have nothing to do instead??  He was laughing when I left last night.  Standing there with my boss waiting to get  high.  I said I didn't want to take the subway alone hoping he would leave with me and he was like - don't do that - I will give you money so you can take a cab.  Did he give me money?  No - no he did not.  I almost laughed for a second.  I fucking hate him right now and I want him to get his shit out of my apartment.  He seemed like he could really care less.  I'm apparently angry - I suppose this will change - I hope it will change.  Fuck.

Broke up with him and I don't feel any better.

What the fuck is that?  I still feel lonely and gross and I still feel like we are together.  He was away for 2 days and I didn't even know it.  I'm done.  I did it - that's all that matters.  I did it at work - whoa - that was probably not right but when am I going to see him and I couldn't stand it anymore.  How - what?  I mean - he was upset but not really - he said "Can we still go to the movies together?"  I said can you come over tomorrow and get your printer, shorts and TV and he said "Can I leave my shorts?"  Jesus - he was nice and said nice things and he said it was my idea he go be with his son and you know what IT WAS but what the fuck is that?  It was when everything got weird with us but guess what?  He's a fucking pot head AND THAT IS WEIRD.  Okay - I have no idea where to go from here.  The bartender thought I was crazy when I said I broke up with him there.  I was nice - I wasn't mad.  Why don't I feel better?  Because I like him but that isn't enough and what the fuck - how do you go out of state for 3 days or whatever and not even tell a person?  How is it that I stood up for myself by breaking up with him and I sill feel like I got the short end of the stick?  I  asked if he was going to date other girls that work there and he said "No - I'm not an asshole.  But other guys - maybe."  Ha.  Okay - whatever.  I wish I felt better - I thought some huge shift was going to take place.  Well - huh - my stomach doesn't hurt anymore.  Huh - that is kind of amazing.  Well - I guess more will be revealed in my life.  I'm suddenly so tired.  Good night sweet Blueberry.

Got rejected.

I got rejected from a place I auditioned at to SPEND MONEY.  That being said it is fine.  I really did do the best I could a this point but I wasn't very good and I wasn't myself and super awkward to talk to.  My teacher called me to see how it went which was so wonderful - we talked about it and I am going to just keep working - that's all.  I would have been kind of shocked if I passed the audition to be honest - I wasn't charming or funny or anything - just stiff and scared - ew.  Then I had a nervous break down after I talked to him.  I called my sponsor and laughed and cried - holy shit - I was a mess.  Did I mention I was at work and over 2 hours late?  Yes - yes I was.  I couldn't get out of bed.  My thumb hurt and my feelings hurt and I was upset.  I cheese grated my thumb last night and it bled everywhere for a LONG time.  I couldn't believe it - it was so much blood and it fucking HURT.  I woke up with hurt feelings missing the guy - realizing it is really over and it has to be for me to grow and get spiritually sober now.  He didn't ask me about the audition - I haven't heard a peep from him.  It's okay - I'm less mad, more sad and it will be okay.  I mean it doesn't FEEL like it will be but I believe it.  I deserve better and I have no idea what that means but I know it's true.  Wow - s much pain I'm in right now - so fucking uncomfortable.  I've never done this before - broke up with someone without someone else in place or doing something to validate myself in some unhealthy way.  I just can't anymore.  Jesus - what a shitty week - total rejection all around and now I'm supposed to feel more lovable somehow?  The great part is how valuable my acting class is and that I have a place to work out and get stronger - that is amazing.  I'm so sad.  It's okay.  I guess right now isn't a good time to get another dog?  I should really resist that urge right?  I'm doing the right thing for myself and my heart right now and it is SO fucking painful.  Okay - I'm going to stop writing right now because I can't even tell if I am being - authentic.  Bye Bluebers - I love you and all your blogness. p.s. The book my sister sent me is fucking AMAZING.  The Power of Habit - I'm in love with it.

I'm so lonley it hurts.

I'm not even kidding.  Oh my fucking God - I miss this guy.  This is so painful not talking to him.  At this moment I'm not even upset he isn't talking to me.  I need to just leave right now and go do my laundry.  I'm just sitting here watching Seinfeld and watching that fucking mouse run back and forth in my kitchen.  Doesn't even give a shit that mouse - he's like "Oh I see you but what are you gonna do?"  Well it wasn't going to get any easier to not see him.  How does he not care?  I am fucking crazy - what the fuck is really happening I have no idea.  I haven't heard about this audition and I think maybe that's the answer.  Can I just tell you I am blaming the cigarette smoke?  My sister sent me a book and you know I started to read it and maybe this will help me.  I'm at the same place I have been a million times even without the mother fucking drugs and alcohol.  My heart hurts - my heart hurts so much.  Looonely.  I'm looney and lonely - looonely.  I'm so looonely.  Bye.

Waiting.....

to hear about this audition today.  I'm thinking that not hearing from them isn't so good.  She said to expect an email around 6 or 7 - so I won't be in the dark either way.  I'm in the dark though.  It's 6:30 for fuck's sake.  I just looked out my bedroom window and looked down at the super's office and smoke was billowing out the window down there - I'm not kidding - billowing.  I don't know what to do and honestly - they don't always do it but lately it has been so bad again.  It looked like when the steam comes out of a whatever it is called from the dryer?  I wouldn't even care but it makes me feel sick and it puts wrinkles on my face.  I look gross.  Listen - all the donuts, coffee, candy bars, pizza,fries, burgers and - what else?  Hmm - nachos don't help any but this is ridiculous.  I pay a lot of money for rent and it is extremely unpleasant.  Whatever - I guess I should just say something?  Yes - because that worked so well in the last place.  I opened the windows and had a fan in EACH one and it was still so bad.  I need to do laundry but I don't want to - I want to wait and hear from these people.  I was so awkward.  I think I acted okay but I don't know - I couldn't get my hand in my pocket - twice - it was so distracting.  Alright - well I told myself that I will just go again - I will just keep trying and this today was some sort of start.  Was it?  I don't know.  I'm so fucking tired and technically I have been smoking all afternoon - fucking gross.  I did take a nap and I walked the dog, went to a meeting and have the laundry ready to go get done - done by me.  Um - what else is there to say?  I made myself lunch - and last night I made myself a quesadilla when I got home.  After I do laundry I'm going to go get some groceries and I'm making myself guacamole tonight.  Haven't heard from the guy and holy shit - just now I was so ripped up about the smoke and wanting to hear from these people I wasn't even thinking about him.  I wish my sponsor would call me back.  I have so much worrying to do with her.  Ugh - okay - I'm just typing to type.  Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Dose of reality. Honesty?

What's the difference? I'm at work and I'm better today.  I thought and thought on my way to work.....it's raining so it's that weird quiet of the rain and I realized 2 things.  ONE.  I'm free to do whatever I want and I don't have to ever work at that job again (I will - I will work there till I get another job) and I don't ever have to see the guy again - I'm free - I'm truly free to do as I please - I am not trapped.  TWO.  I TOLD him that I knew he was leaving and I wanted a practice relationship - that it was okay - that's what I wanted.  UM - WHAT?  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  How did I forget I said that?  I was a jerk to him and I wanted to make up to him and I wanted to get back on solid ground with him  (WHAT SOLID GROUND?) and so I said what I thought would make him stay.  Of course he stayed and stays - even though he isn't completely there.  I cook him food, I'm fun, I have sex with him - we watch movies and laugh - UM - WHO WOULDN'T do that until they decided to move??  Look - I have thought of this blog as a partial science experiment - seeing - and actually recording what is happening to me while I struggle to get sober and get functional in life and if I'm not honest right now - then I'm not doing that.  And I sold myself short and said I wanted something small when that wasn't true.  I don't want a fucking practice relationship - I want a real relationship with a fucking MAN.  Ugh - Jesus.  Okay - so now I have to take responsibility for the fact that he is and has been giving me exactly what I said I wanted.  I suppose the fact that he isn't a complete dirtball is a miracle.  Okay - so I just was trying to fix something that couldn't be fixed by trying to trick him into loving me by saying I only wanted a little bit of him.  Gross.  Do you know what I realized yesterday?  I don't actually believe a MAN could love me.  I don't.  I do not believe that a real man - someone capable of being a grown-up and being amazing and awesome could actually love me.  How's that for data for a science experiment?  MY LOVE IS A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT.  What the fuck is THAT?  Well - there you go.  But I'm so mad at him and it's not fair.  I mean it is but it isn't.  Fucking fuckhole.  Well - alright - at least I got to some reality - some honesty some responsibility.  What?  Fart noggin.  Love you Bluebie.

So tired so winter.

It's so winter.  Snowing - I can hear it on the air conditioner.  I have the humidifier on - and I am going to get a new job and and AND - and I don't know.  I took care of myself today.  Worked with my acting teacher, wrote and went to my writing class.  I just flossed and I have in my mouth guard.  I went to the bank to make sure my student loan is paid and I'm in my bed and in my pajamas.  I just don't want to be angry.  I want my fucking power back.  I'm done now - I'm done with this phase of my life.  That's all I know.  I just don't know how to get myself away from this guy except my stomach hurts - it just hurts so it's time.  How do I take care of myself like this without it being complete drama and awful?  I have no idea and I'm going to let it go until Wednesday.  He doesn't try to talk to me anyway - unless I talk to him - not really.  Ugh - so sick to my stomach.  I guess that box of Mac & Cheese I just ate didn't help any.  And for an appetizer I had mint chocolate chip ice cream.  Ouch.  It's okay - it will really be okay - I just have no idea what I'm doing.  I also would really like to stop thinking I am a victim of him because I am not.  It's not god for me - it hasn't been and I'm getting unwell from this so it's time to stop - that's all.  I'm thinking he doesn't even care anyway - which isn't totally true but he has pulled away - so far away.  It's okay - I have no idea how to jut be nice to myself and get away from hi without making him an asshole.  I have to stop writing now.  This sucks my asshole - it really fucking does.  Well - okay - I have learned - a lot.  A real fucking lot - and I'm going to sleep.  Good night sweet Blueberry - I love you.

I'm on vacation right now.

Just for the night - in my own apartment.  I just took the dog out and now we are in for the night.  No more worry about work - no more thinking about his guy or communicating with him.  I'm not living authentically about it and it has to change but it won't be tonight.  So my sponsor said to let it go and go on vacation for the night so that's what I'm doing.  I'm working on these monologues and I'm letting it all go.  I need to work on that piece for my writing class too although that feels exhausting.  I'm home and it's quiet and it's glorious.  I'm also not crying anymore - isn't that nice?  Okay - I'm going to keep on my vacation.  Bye for now Blueberry Blog.

Can't stop crying.

I'm listening to Spotify and for some reason the Billboard 100 is making me cry.  I was crying anyway.  He was upset we weren't going to the museum - that I didn't call him when I woke up so we could go for a couple of hours at least.  But I needed to pray and meditate and I just didn't want to spend the money to go there for 2 hours.  How long would we go for anyway?  Was I just mad?  I don't know - I'm exhausted - I just cried for an hour straight.  I did the dishes from yesterday and cried.  I finally sent him a message and said to have  a nice day.  I just don't want to end this angry - I just don't have room in my heart for more hate - I just don't.  He's not a bad guy - he just doesn't have it to give to me.  He just doesn't.  Isn't that sad?  We laugh so hard together.  I'm so sad right now.  I prayed and meditated for over an hour and I am still a basket case.  I think I will feel better after s meeting.  Do you think this is ever going to change?  I mean - do you think I will find some peace of mind - some love?  I can't help but think that if my first love didn't die - this wouldn't be like this.  Then I just wrote that and I realized how ridiculous that is.  I suppose it already is different - I was just nice to him.  I'm a bit broken hearted right now.  I guess the part that is the hardest is that he doesn't seem to care.  He seems okay - I have no idea.  He kissed me so nicely last night but you know what?  It - it just isn't right I guess.  I suppose I need to just accept.  The movie we watched yesterday - he said he would watch it all the time when he was little - his father put an X on it for him so he would know which movie it was to watch.  X's have been this bizarre sign I have been seeing for years now.  After a meeting I went to once where a woman was talking about an x and it meaning where Grace meets Willingness.  I found that to be so profound.  Isn't it crazy that that's what was on his movie?  He said he has seen it 1000 times.  Am I making any sense?  I don't care.  I'm not drunk - can you imagine?  I paid my bills, I was just nice, and I did some fucking dishes.  And I can't stop crying.  Doesn't this make it all worth it?  I'm a fucking mess - and I still haven't even looked at those monologues.  Oh dear - that made me stop crying for a second.  Okay Blueberry - off to shower and hopefully shift and grow.  I love you.

Holy lame ass fuck.

This is it.  I am just too terrified to actually move on with my life - to actually grow.  I have been waitressing for 14 years at comedy clubs and I just can't seem to move the fuck on.  From this whole level of life I have been at - I can not seem to move on.  The money isn't even good now.  I mean - it's terrible.  Okay - and what am I doing dating this guy?  I'm so fucking confused.  He came over today and I made us tacos and we watched a movie, took the train to work together, walked through the park in the snow and then - then I FREAKED out when I heard that fucking girl ask him about the dresser again.  I'm so confused.  I didn't want to come home alone - I wanted him to come home with me but he wanted to stay at work and party.  Is there anything wrong with that?  No - no there isn't.  But I can't party and I don't get to be with this guy - not really.  He's going to go live with his mother soon, then move to Utah and he doesn't even ever want to talk about us.  I'm making him sound so terrible but he's not.  What am I doing?  I have things to do - like work on this audition and I just can't do it.  I have zero faith that I could actually get work.  I'm going to bomb at this audition so that I can be a victim of waitressing forever.  We were supposed to go to the museum tomorrow but then he has to work early and I just - just forget it.  Why can't I just let it go?  Just work on my art and let the comedy club go - let the guy go.  Oh GOD - I'm sitting here on my couch crying and writing this and I just realized the blinds got stuck on the plant in the window and are opened.  Which is CRAZY because my neighbors across the way are definitely up at 3:45 in the morning watching me.  I just remembered I have my last writing class on Monday night and I have that piece to work on also.  I suppose I have spent enough time trying to make a relationship with this guy.  It's not even that - I have spent enough time distracting myself with him.  Sigh.  I want a relationship - I like this.  I like cooking and having fun.  I need to go to sleep.  I'm so fucking tired and sad.  But I'm not suicidal.  That's good - that's a switch.  tomorrow is a new day - a beautiful, hopeful new day.  Good night Blueberry of my dreams - I love you.

Total Fear.

I didn't go to class tonight - I went to work.  I still have 2 bills I need & want to pay this month and - well - I tried to get the shift covered - the guy was being a tool about it and then - then what?  Then I decided I wanted to work.  I worked - I made enough money and the money is so much worse now there - now that they changed the prices - holy shit.  I think I should have been in class but I am completely petrified about going on this audition - I really am.  I'm worried and I think it is a trick somehow that I have been doing good work in class and learning.  The guy came over last night -w e had so much fun coming home.  I made us breakfast and that was fun.  We had fun sex and then I made him snuggle with me and that was fun - hilarious.  He seems so much better - but then - just as I left work - I don't know - you know what?  I don't even want to write about it.  I do not want to take up time and space writing about it.  This is what I know - I'm doing the best I fucking can.  I need to get myself ready for this audition - I have time now tomorrow to do this.  It's St. Patty's Day - what a bullshit mess that's going to be here tomorrow.  That's also part of why I wanted to work tonight though - it's going to be awful tomorrow night.  Maybe.  I don't know.  What am I doing?  I know what I'm doing.  I'm still following my dream.  And do you know what I just thought in the cab?  I was like - okay - I'm going through this and I'm going through this sober.  That's what I wanted - I wanted to be going through life sober so I could really be - learning.  That sounds lame right - but what else is the fucking point?  So how am I going to do this?  I'm scared to grow past this point of my life.  I really am.  That's all.  Okay - I have time tomorrow now where I can work on this and I will.  I have an appointment Monday with my teacher and class on Tuesday.  He said for me to curb missing class as I need to work and I am really breaking through.  It makes me think I could get work and not be a fucking waitress.  Then who am I?  How would I be victimized by life?  I'm going to eat some ice cream right now.  I think I'm going to eat some ice cream and pay.  This isn't even that big of a deal this audition - but it's something.  It is a big deal - it's all a big deal.  Oh boy - oh fucking BOY.  I LOVE you Bluebie.

So stressed out.

I'm so fucking stressed out.  I have this audition and I can't afford class this month and I am so fucking tired.  I look terrible.  Okay - why okay?  WHY?  I asked my teacher if I can pay him next week and I don't know - okay - maybe I should just stop writing.  This is so stressful.  I'm at work - I will be her late because I got here late and I have to work at the comedy club.  I live week to week money wise and it feels like this isn't getting any better.  I mean that's just what it feels like right now - I don't know that it's true.  I'm just exhausted.  I feel gross too - I'm so tired.  What am I doing?  Why am I living this life?  Am I going to be a crusty old lady?  Am I going to die regretting my life?  AM I never going to grow into the love I am meant to be in the world?  I don't think I'm getting softer - I think I'm getting harder.  I think maybe I should just quit working at the comedy club and then just scrape by on pennies and be rested.  What?  I'm just off myself today, scared about this audition and I just even want to try.  I'm too tired.  I have that same I'm just going to lay down feeling.  Well I asked for tomorrow night to be covered.....I'm doing the right things.  Tomorrow I have class, laundry and I can get a good night's sleep.  I watched the movie last night from one of the monologues I want to do.  Where is my heart?  Where is my passion and love?  Dear God - please let me grow past this.  Set myself free from being a waitress.  I'm trying so hard to go in the right direction.  Okay - well one thing is clear - I am definitely dramatic.  Melodramatic is clearly me.  Gross.  I have to go and do something.  I love you Blueberry Blog.  You are the blog of my heart.  What?  Fuck. p.s. If this woman sniffles one more time I'm going to stab her.

I do not understand anything.

My whole day got rearranged yesterday when I had to take the dog to the vet suddenly.  Her eye was all crusted over and she was squinting and seemed in pain.  He came with me and was so nice.  He was nice and funny and even though he was super bored at the vet he was nice.  He even fell asleep.  Okay - then we went back to my place and had a wonderful, fun evening.  I don't understand anything.  When I started to write this blog I knew that I would sound like a crazy person because I was getting sober.  But I thought it would be interesting to be honest and see the evolution of one going through the process of sobriety.  Plus I had nowhere else to express myself - I was dying to get out all the toxicity and craziness - especially living and feeling trapped in that house.  Now - now with how crazy dating this guy is making me - I don't know - I just feel stupid and I don't feel like there will be any evolution.  We had so much fun last night.  We watched that movie Butter - it was fucking hilarious.  Or hilarious enough anyway.  Why am so embarrassed?  Well - who the fuck knows.  I can tell you this - right now I am exhausted and I don't have class tonight which is amazing.  I'm going to go to that big meeting and go home and take care of the dog, take care of me and go to sleep.  It's pouring rain and I am so bored.  So, so bored.  Am I doing anything creative?  No - certainly not.  I did pay bills and do other things to take care of myself.  Lots of things.  How about a poem?  I'm going to call it "The Lesbian Outside The Window."

I am at work.
There is a lesbian outside the window.
I work in clothes.
Girly, girly clothes.
Once in awhile a woman comes in that looks like she has never & will never wear these clothes and walks around saying how pretty things are.
Then they leave and never buy anything.
I can never figure out what is really happening.
This woman has got to be a gym teacher.
If she's not a gym teacher I don't know who is.
At first I thought she was a Jewish man outside the window.
Then I realized she was a lesbian.
I feel bad about this poem but I'm only saying that so if a Jewish man, gym teacher or lesbian reads this they won't think I'm an asshole.
Only I don't really care.
I'm not an asshole and neither is the lesbian outside the window.
Probably.

Bye.

Well....

I had a weird feeling about the guy and this girl at work - something was in cahoots you know and finally I overheard something again and I asked about it and - okay in all fairness I shouldn't say cahoots - just - something.  It gave me a REALLY bad feeling in my stomach.  So I asked and he was going to go build her a dresser.  Um - what?  He said he wouldn't do it if it would upset me so much but - oh my God - I'm not even really being honest because I feel like one day he might read this blog.  How fucking ridiculous is that?  He's never going to read it.  He said it didn't mean anything and - the weird thing is - I really couldn't tell if she asked him to or if he offered and then was pushing it.  He said he sent her a message on Wednesday and offered to do it that day and never heard from her and then let it go.  I was like "How would you feel if some gorgeous hot guy came over here and built me a dresser?"  What the fuck?  And he never said anything to me.  So it was nice that he said he wouldn't if it would upset me.  But - what the fuck.  I already said that.  I just - I'm - I don't know.  How am I supposed to take care of myself in this?  We spoke a long time last night again about him leaving and - now I have my period and I'm so exhausted from this weekend it's insane.  I mean I am so tired.  I'm home and I just ordered Chinese food.  My sponsor said I should pray for clarity about my feelings for him.  He was so nice last night and this morning.  He is nice.  I just don't know why I couldn't just say last night - let's just forget it now.  I said he was shady and he got really upset.  He said that wasn't okay and it implied he was doing something on purpose about the dresser - this fucking dresser - and that that wasn't true.  So okay.  He held me all night long - in like a death grip.  I have been STARVED for affection.  And he laughs at me.  I mean but I have been STARVED for physical contact.  What would I tell someone else?  I would say he was pushing the envelope - that's all.  When I looked over last night as I was overhearing what they were talking about - she was stretching her boobs out - like arching her back and sticking her boobs out towards him and that creepy door guy I always have trouble with - haha.  Wow - seriously?  Well anyway - I stood up for myself and I guess I'm still in the same boat.  Tortured sort of mostly by this with moments of sweetness and overall I'm working my program like a mother fucker.  That I am doing.  And you know what?  My gut was right - I was right that something wasn't cool.  Um - what?  That's weird?  The guy who smokes pot, drinks, smokes cigarettes, has an ex-wife, a ten year old AND a slutty ex-girlfriend isn't just PERFECT?  So confusing.  He is really nice though.  SOMEONE ELSE CAN BUILD HER FUCKING DRESSER.  LIKE HER.  This can't be good.  I just want this to end good - and I want him to love me and make me feel good.  What?  Suck my dick Sunday.  Fucking fuck.

Sigh.

This is so fucking boring.....I'm going to have to start a new blog called - I don't know what - I'm too bored to think of it.  I just realized that me being mad about this guy - it's so pointless.  It's just not working out - that's all - why be mean?  It's so silly.  Sigh.  It's going to be okay I guess - I don't know how but it will be.  Did I say how I chopped my own hair off here yesterday at the store?  That was a big no-no.  I mean I had like a ponytail in my hand - I was like - "Ooops."  Anyway - it looks okay today but honestly - am I lying to myself?  Who the fuck knows??  I just want to kiss, hug, love, lie naked, be free, have fun and have AMAZING sex ALL THE TIME and LOVE BIG, LIVE BIG and BE SOBER and HAPPY.  That's all - that's it.  I want to live love not rage and issues.  I feel like crying but nose tickles - bullshit cry.  I danced before to that new stupid song by Taylor Swift and it felt so good AND I WAS FUCKING AWESOME.  Ugh.  Okay.  Bye.

Working....

I'm working - again.  I'm now even with the owner for those two days I took off in August.  Um - what?  I'm tired but somehow I managed to not work the third show at work last night so I wouldn't be completely insane today.  I - I don't know.  I got upset last night again about the guy at work being flirty - one of the other girls was standing all close to him.....then - I'm not kidding you - 30 minutes later some comic was practically sitting on top off me.  Like how dogs do?  It's all so confusing and ridiculous.  Feelings - BLECH.  I also got mad about something else - oh this shitty table I felt victimized by.....it's all so trite and stupid - HOWEVER - the amazing part is that instead of throwing a fit (I did throw some good dirty looks) I prayed.  I prayed for everyone I was upset about and handled the situation with gentleness and it ended up being okay.  There is a woman who has been on her phone outside of the store for over 20 minutes.  Just talking and laughing away like it's her living room - so bizarre.  I guess it's just as bizarre that I'm bothered by it.  I am sort of mess except that I took a shower, took out the dog and managed to get here just about in time.  Um - what?  I was about a half hour late - how is that even remotely on time?  I have on make-up, I did pray & meditate this morning.  I'm so confused sort of.  So despite the fact that I shouldn't really be working these doubles - this is so hard on me.....it would be a glorious day to be jogging in the park.....oh - why am I going to do this to myself?  There are 2 more weekends in April where I will work a few crazy doubles in a row and after that I just can't so it anymore.  It's not my responsibility and I can't do it.  I just can't.  It's also ridiculous that the owner can't just figure out how to pay me or not pay me when I work.  It's like I'm figuring out my schedule so she doesn't have to mess with the direct deposit at all.  What?  THIS IS SO DUMB.  Let's get back to the part where I didn't cause a complete scene last night - that was amazing.  Now if I could just focus on myself and stop worrying about what this guy is doing.  It doesn't matter anyway.  He is a nice guy and he is leaving and it doesn't matter even more that that because I want something better for myself.  I mean he is wonderful but he literally goes and smokes pot during the shows.  I used to do that too.  All the time - I so couldn't handle the job so much - or life - that I just had to be high.  Well so anyway - how do I do this?  How do I be kind and loving to myself, to him, to others?  I wanted a love - a relationship - I want a husband - I want to grow and it's not happening.  I don't know...I just don't know....it's so sad and it is an opportunity also.  Ugh.  Okay - so - so I joined 2 websites for acting work and I have an audition for a network place on the 19th - is that right?  The 20th.  Okay so today is a great opportunity to work on those monologues.  It's so crazy I am trying so hard lately to not feel sorry for myself and it seems completely impossible.  Holy fuck.  But okay - I'm going to keep going.  Fuck it - what else can I do - how I used to think and be never worked - I might as well try this - right?  I need to SELL SOME SERIOUS SHIT TODAY.  Let's start with that.  Bye Blueberry - I miss you and I love you.

I have nothing to say.

I'm bored - I'm at work.  I'm bored at work and I look - dusty.  I feel gross and dirty and I kind of feel high.  Sometimes I worry that they smoke pot in the super's office in the mornings and that I get a buzz from the second hand smoke.  Or I might have make-up in my eye and I might also need new glasses.  I am so tired but - ugh - REALLY?  Am I really going to write about my super boring evening of getting ready for bed and doing the dishes and FLOSSING?  REALLY?  I'm so fucking bored.  Okay.  I need some air I think.  Hold on.  Okay that's a little better.  I just don't have anything profound to say or - I don't know maybe I really do need new glasses.  I think these are actually scratched.  Ummmm - I'm bored but okay - ALRIGHT.  No big deal.  I have to figure out my schedule for April.  Bye Bluebers.

Who wants to deal with this?

I don't - ugh - I don't mean that totally and in fact I'm writing right now because something good happened.  Here's what it is.  I just worked from 10 in the morning until 3 a.m. in the morning.  Worked my ass off I did.  I still went to a meeting and got so sick to my stomach during it and got to work and got jealous and I really almost said something or acted mad OR what ever.  And it doesn't even matter - I didn't act out.  I shook through it.  I was sick to my stomach and shaking and I just made a phone call instead and THAT'S IT.  I didn't ask any questions or make accusations - at all.  Thank GOD.  Here's the thing though.....I feel like shit when I leave that waitressing job.  I don't feel sexy at all - the opposite - I have to get myself out of this.  I'm home right now - I took care of myself and came home instead of hanging out or instead of asking him to come home with me.  I'm still a shaky mess - I need a good night sleep.  I am really - not okay when it comes to being in a relationship.  I'm a mess.  He is a nice guy - he is being kind to me and I need to take CARE OF MYSELF now.  Ugh.  I'm not being clear at all.  I feel like I need to start a new blog for my character defects.  How is this ever going to change?  I mean - I didn't do anything so that is a change and I left even though it was super uncomfortable.  Let's see if I can take care of myself tomorrow as well and get to my alanon meeting AND come home and write for my class on Monday.  I'm such a mess.  I don't know though if ever in my life I was able to NOT completely freak out when I thought I saw or heard something.  This isn't funny - I just hate it.  I fucking hate it.  I want to be a confident, strong, woman who is in my power.  I also want to do comedy for fuck's sake again.  FUCK.  Get my power back.  I have to go to sleep - I'm beyond exhausted.  Good night Bluebie. 

Suck my dick Saturday.

Just kidding.  Not really.  I'm at the store and it started out real bad.  It's my second double this week and it's ROUGH.  Well this day has gotten better and I'm not even really sure how.  Well - I guess I do - I made phone calls, I did the best I could (eventually) and I talked about how to help SOMEONE ELSE.  Go figure.  I also heard someone - I really heard them say that doing the right thing isn't comfortable and that has changed EVERYTHING.  Ha - sort of.  I just think it's supposed to FEEL right - whatever it is.  That's just not how it is I guess.  I finally did my money for these last bunch of days.  Ugh - I don't know.  I prayed like a mother fucker - that's for sure.  Material Girl is playing on the radio and holy fuck what a horrible voice Madonna has.  Haha - GOOD FOR HER!  Amazing.  Okay so in 45 minutes I'm leaving so I can get to a meeting before the comedy club tonight.  I wish I could go for a jog.  Okay - I should look at my money more - I'm going to have to work on Friday night this week - I can't go to my class - UGH.  But that's okay - I have to stop writing I'm getting crazy.  Here's the thing - I just need to hang on loosely tonight and not feel sorry for myself.  That's all - not be a victim and hang on loosely - that's all.  Keep my feet on the ground.  Here we go - THIS IS SO BORING.  No it's not.  RIGHT????  I flipped off a customer.  Behind her back.  I hated her that's why.  Okay Blueberry - you I love.  Bye.  I think I should take a 5 minute pee/pray break.  Bye again.