The funeral is today....

but it's okay and we are already laughing. My sister said she is taking on the persona of Princess Kathrine (she had the royal wedding on her mind) and last night she told my mother this and then they started talking about "Princess Katherine" and my mother said how she has been handed everything on a "Platter called Silver". Then my sister says "What does she do?" My mother says (meanwhile I'm wondering how my mother knows or is saying so much about the princess) "She sells real estate!!" Deirdre says "Reeeeeaaalllyy?? How do you know that?" My mother says "She sent us a postcard with her picture on it saying she says real estate!!" That's when I realized my mother was talking about my COUSIN Kathryn. It was hilarious. I don't have the energy to make up names for these people although I guess it would be funny but very confusing. I can't believe my mother thought my sister was calling our cousin Princess Kathryn - what the heck is that about? The wake was nice but nothing like Six Feet Under.....or everything like Six Feet Under. I could not stop thinking about that show. So this morning is the funeral and then I need to go back tomorrow to the city. I have been here for a week with no clothes and none of my things - which has been fine. I bought a couple of things and I am so grateful I got to be here - such a blessing.....and it has been so wonderful seeing my sisters and my brother and my nephews again so soon after Key West. My sisters came by themselves because they couldn't bring their kids so unexpectedly so my nieces aren't here. I have to go get ready - I hope the sun comes out because I want her to have a sunny bright funeral. Oh dear this does bring up such painful memories and feelings - holy cow....these things do have a way of stirring up the muddy waters of family ponds.....I love you Blueberry....

I feel so sick to my stomach.

My sisters are on their way and my other one is in the shower. The wake is at 7 tonight. We went to the beach and got a sandwich on the way and I could not stop crying when we got there. I had no tissues and we forgot to get napkins so I had to wipe my face and blow my nose in a maxi pad. It was so awful. I was stuffing my face and crying. I was bleeding, crying and eating. And it was absolutely gorgeous at the beach. Eventually we meditated and I prayed and for the first time I felt wetness on my hands and thought a bird peed on me but it was tears. Jesus I'm a mess. I need to get in the shower. I just feel all awful and a failure. I don't even think I should write or focus on why....it will be okay - this is just a tough time that's all. At least the dog is on my lap. This sweet one-eyed, going blind and deaf dog. Chriiiiisssst. Bye Bleub.

Holy cow.

Tonight we went to my brother's again and looked at all of my grandmother's photo albums and it was SO hard!!!! Christ I'm going to have to go to therapy for a week straight. My poor grandfather. We were looking for pictures for the wake tomorrow night. He was kind of upset about it plus we were all like "Ohhh I want this picture of me - blah blah." At least I was. There was some really amazing photos - tons of old ones and just tons of them all in albums. I am so freaking tired. We went to a meeting in Mystic today at a firehouse and my sister spoke. It is hilarious how into the program this woman is. She kept saying the serenity prayer on the way home from my brother's - hilarious!! As we were getting ready to leave my grandfather was looking at a picture of he and my grandmother from their honeymoon at Niagra Falls and he just looked and looked and then said "There she is." Then he tossed the picture on the table. It said 1949 on it and so they were married 62 years. I almost lost my shit - I was totally crying. I can't stand it - I swear to God - so heart breaking. I already washed my face and put on my sisters fancy face lotion and I don't want to cry anymore. 94 years old. She was 32 when they got married and she already had 2 kids from my real grandfather. But this grandfather was the only one I ever knew and my father calls him Dad. Chriiisssst am I trying to win the sentimental award of the year or what?? Jesus. On a side note my mother had a blast looking at all the photos and laughed and seemed fine. I swear to God that woman is hilarious. I have to write in my journal now so I can - what? Talk about the things I can't talk about on here. We went shopping tonight and I got some cute leopard shoes for the wake and funeral. Sad heart, cute shoes. Yeesh. My grandmother used to have a sister named Innie and also one named Winnie and one of them had a blueberry farm that we would pick blueberries at in Maine. One of my first memories is of picking a ton of blueberries and putting them in my pockets and the blueberries making stains in the pockets of my dress. I was so surprised my the blueberries leaking. I have to go Blueb - love you.

I was so sad today....

it's so crazy. I just never thought she would die and I certainly never thought I would be so sad. Ugh emotions are so difficult to deal with. My emotions are so difficult to deal with. We went to another meeting today and it wasn't as great but it was still good. It was kind of cold and we left ten minutes early but we went!! My sister is so into the program and she doesn't even need it. Or she's not an alcoholic I should say. I think everyone could use the program. Anyway we all went to my brother's house for dinner tonight and it is so heartbreaking to see my grandfather without her. Thank God we went to those meetings or I really don't know if I would be able to handle how I feel. I had 3 sodas, a mini candy bar, one Reece's peanut butter cup, spaghetti and a salad. I had a big bowl of salad. Hahahhahaaa - I'm not even laughing at that. I guess I just needed to eat all of that stuff. I'm so tired. My other sisters start arriving tomorrow night and we need to go get clothes for the wake and the funeral. I wish I could write about all I see all the time. My brother doesn't live on a farm but you have to drive by a bunch of farm land to get to his house and it is so pretty. Such a picturesque ride. I felt like I was on a tour bus on our way there. I've been there a ton of times but today I was just struck by the beauty of the land. Plus it did used to smell for part of the trip but whatever farm that was is gone now (I'm not sure if that is good or not) and so now it just is beautiful land and fresh smells. I brought my dog and she watched Happy Gilmore with us. Hilarious. She is staring at me right now.......just perched on some pillows staring at me and wagging her tail when I look at her. She's so fucking sweet. I'm going to lay down. Maybe do some yoga......Goodnight Blueberry.....

Grandma died this morning....

it was so sad. We had such a nice Easter all of us and she seemed so awake and okay but that is always a bad sign. We dyed Easter eggs and even hid them - hilarious because the boys are kind of old for that but who cares. We had such a nice dinner and such a nice visit with her. Then yesterday we went to see her and she was having such trouble breathing and it was heart breaking. My sister and I prayed and held her hands and sat with her. She was so sweet. She actually looked very beautiful even though she was dying. My sister brushed her hair and she seemed to looooove it until one point she was like "ugh stop it" which was kind of hilarious. On Sunday she said to me "Now where do you fit in with all of this?" I told her which number born I was and she said "I always had a hard time figuring out where you fit in." I swear to God I thought that was when I was going to find out I was adopted or from a different father or something crazy like that. I look exactly like everyone so that's not possible but it was still strange. She died this morning and we all went to the hospital and sat with her. I held her hand again and my brother did also. He did it first and then I felt compelled to do so. Competitive? My brother and sister-in-law went and got bourbon and everyone did a toast to her but they brought me a coke which was so sweet. I was so happy I could be there and I prayed and loved her. Poor things mouth was wide open and one eye was partly open. I swear I think I'm in shock still - I never thought this day would come. 94 years old. My sister took me to a meeting and came to the meeting last night here and it was WONDERFUL. So totally wonderful. The people were funny and nice and it was in the same place I signed up for swimming lessons when I was little. This adorable old park house in the center of town. I swear to God I had to stop myself from taking pictures it was such a cute building. So New England. I think the buildings are from the colonial times. The windows look out to a red barn and the grass and - wow - jesus.....poor Grandma died this morning. I felt so bad for my grandfather. He said she knew 2 months ago. We went to the beach today....this is such a strange trip - it's absolutely beautiful and yet so totally sad. I found out that the Forsythia is what is blooming out front and the tree with the green puff balls is a maple tree - maybe a sugar? Long post Blueberry and kind of all over the place - so glad I'm here.

On the farm....

daffodils are blooming and different trees that I don't know the names of. A bright yellow bushy thins and the tree outside this window has green puff balls all over it. We went and saw Grandma last night and she seemed pretty good - which is scary. She kept talking about
Hawaii - hilarious. My Grandfather looks really good and my uncle does not. I can't even talk about that and I feel so bad for my cousin because it really upsets her so much. She has been sleeping with my Grandma and she deserves a gold medal. I almost had a panic attack when we walked in the place but it was also 85% less traumatizing than I thought it would be. Thank goodness it isn't that cold.....I am so tired and I feel so gross. I need a shower and I want to go the beach. Oh dear I think I have PMS. People getting old is so sad but it is so much easier than someone getting taken right away - or too soon or - you know - ugh - painfully young. I need to shower - my sister is here which is soooo awesome!!! I decided to stay longer because she is here. I love her so much. Okay I have to go. Bye Blueb - looove you Daffodil face!!

I'm so nervous about this show

today and I just spent almost 40 minutes looking for something that was where I had first looked for it and where I thought I always left it. Holy fuck. The chord for the amp to the ukulele. I always leave it in the uke bag pocket along with my harmonica, the tuner and a book of chords. Jesus what drama. I started to think someone stole it (because those types of chords are SO hard to come by - not at all) and I went to FB and almost went to a persons page (not THAT one) who I shouldn't be looking at but instead I decided to look for meetings to go to before work. I feel so stressed out. But I'm in my life and it's okay. I actually went to bed last night and didn't stay up watching this DVD I have from Netflix. I got over 8 hours of sleep and I could have honestly slept more. I need to sleep a lot - that's all there is to it. So now that I CAN sleep I make the choice to do that instead of being crazy all day from not sleeping and watching shit that won't really help me anyway. My digestion gets so fucked up when I don't sleep - awful. Okay I need to pray and meditate at least 10 minutes. I can't believe how nervous I am about this - holy shit. Did I practice enough - is the song stupid - are they going to think I'm AWFUL? I don't really have time to wash my hair - holy fuck. Okay - okay - yes I'm going to pray and meditate and practice a little bit. Breathe - that's the big one - breathe. Okay yes breathe. Wowzers. Wish me a broken leg Blueb!!

I just want to write a little bit

real quick. I feel so much better about that last post. Time helped shift that and I am NEVER going to look at that stuff again. Yikes. Okay I already went to a meeting today and I'm going to go to another one. My grandmother isn't doing so well so I am going to go home for Easter and say goodbye. I feel like she isn't going to pass but they seem to think she really is going to. She is 94. But such a hearty 94 - lived on her own (with my grandfather) this whole time. I don't know - I guess she has a bad heart? Well I feel so badly for my Dad and my grandfather. Life is so strange and hard. Constant beginnings and endings. Either way I can go there and come back and I can go back again if I need to. I would have been so completely traumatized by this if I were still drinking. Scared, out of it - not dealing. Ugh - I've cried a little, talked to my sister, talked to my parents....it will be okay. She will be surrounded by love when and if she goes. She told my mother "this is a bummer." Hilarious. Okay I have to meditate for real before my shower. I am doing that radio show tomorrow - scary!! Just a song - oh boy. Oh BOY!! Maybe OH GIRL!! Byyeeeee Blueberrrryyy!!!

Oops.

Haha - I wrote a whole post and I started to clean something off the keyboard and it all deleted. I said oops because I went to a website I know will upset me. I felt SO sick as I was going to it and it did indeed upset me and I'm now done. I do not need to go look at these things and all I can think of is if I felt that bad doing that how awful would drinking or drugging be? Ugh - not to mention there is NO WAY I couldn't recognize that sick feeling in my stomach. Awful. Holy shit. I don't want to write anymore about it. How awful. It really hurt me. I think I'm weak from working a loose program this week. Jeeeez louiiiiissse. Holy cow. I want a clean life and that is so not clean. I will fell better tomorrow I hope. I'm going to pray and meditate now for the second time today. Yoga before bed too. Awwwww - it's okay - it will be okay. Please keep my heart open and light. Help me Lord to be kind to myself and stay on my path. Blueberry I love You!!!

I swam!!

I went to my meeting with my bathing suit already on and that helped. I swam and then I got into the steam room, came home and took a 3 hour nap. I played my ukulele and wrote a little bit and I also uploaded some photos from the trip. I realized that if I went to meetings while I was away and went right to one when I got back I probably would have had an easier time of it - for sure. I was so grumpy today. So okay - lesson learned and now is not the time (or ever) for me to beat myself up about it. I have 2 shows booked and so let's see where that takes me. Time to pray/meditate/do some yoga and go to sleep. It is amazing to me how much work it is to take care of myself and how much more work I have to do. I am getting better though and if I would just listen to Her Lady Wonder a little more completely I would probably feel a lot better sooner. Goodnight Blueberry!!

I need to write something positive.

I paid my bills for this month, my rent is already paid and I went to Key West and back with money in my pocket. That would have NEVER happened years ago....I would have had to ask my mother for money and I would have come back with nothing. My bills certainly wouldn't have been paid. I spent very little while I was there and not drinking is SO much cheaper - all around. I walked a lot while was there and did yoga and meditated with my 7 year old niece. She's been doing yoga since she was a baby so she's really good at it. Okay I feel better. I'm going to try to let myself swim today. Let me swim Lord. Let me do something really good for myself that I love so dearly.

I'm back from Key West and

it was so much fun. I loved the traveling and the beach and swimming and my family. My one sister got drunk in front of me and that was so hard to take. I miss the warm weather and the sunshine. Coming back to New York seemed like such a bummer. The moon was full last night though and the alley and the houses looked so pretty. Pretty isn't the right word. The moon was just over the houses and the way the light of the moon reflected off of the houses and the crooked slope of them was awesome. They are all different colors and because they are so old they have such interesting architecture. There was a calico cat sitting on top of one of the fences watching me walk the dog. A lot of the alley cats watch her and sometimes they crouch down like they are going to pounce on her as if she were a giant mouse or rat. My father got old and I don't know how that happened but it is very hard to see. I see him all the time but I was still shocked. My mother of course looks adorable and she had a blast. She went to a drag show with my cousins and my brother-in-law. We all spent lots of time together and the wedding was BEAUTIFUL and sooo gorgeous. The food was amazing. It was right on the beach and the reception was right on the beach also surrounding a pool. Palm trees, lights, statues of naked women - lovely. I was woken up this morning to cigarette smoke - such a fucking bummer. I didn't want to dance at the party because I'm squashed up against people all the time at work and I couldn't take it. What a bummer is that? I am over this life here now - I can't take it anymore. I just want to go someplace warm and sunny and find a lovely man to have a life with. I want a baby so badly. A life. I'm so - ugh - I don't know. My comedy died - like a plant. I don't feel like I can get it back and I hate living here again. It's so dark and dreary and aggressive. Oh dear. I just - this laundry pantry room that they have created outside my room is ridiculous. Soon I am putting it back. I am. I am going to put all this stuff back. I deserve to be happy. Everyone was so nice to me and said I looked so good and that they are so proud of me for getting sober. Time for my coffee and to meditate - I did while I was there but now I really need it. My Aunt told me 5 times that I needed to start doing sit-ups. She even said "Now who can we hook you up with - once you start doing sit-ups???" Hilarious. Although I'm not laughing. Bye Blueberry - let's move.

My stomach hurts.

I feel sick to my stomach. I'm so uncomfortable with this guy not liking me but more than that I'm uncomfortable that I care so much. He LIKES me as a person - and it's not like he's rejected me in some way. And I don't know for real that there could be something romantic between us - I just a little bit put myself out there and it was very painful. Yikes. It will be okay and I just sort of feel ugly and - I don't know - gross but I got a good nights sleep and I feel better. I have to figure out how to sleep more when I have things to do and how to eat more consistently. That whole day was so fucking depressing. I was tired, felt bloated and gross AND I was hungry. I also shouldn't have eaten that GIANT burger the night before or only half of it. With no bun. I know that bread upsets my system so WHY THE FUCK do I eat it? I wanted to drink last night but I can say right now that I am so glad that I didn't. I AM SO GLAD! Dealing with that today on top of my residual feelings? Yikes. I think I should really join one of those dating websites. I should really get out there and date. This isn't going to just happen I guess and I really can't keep mooning over these guys who aren't interested. It's such a relief to have slept. I'm going to meditate right now. I'm so nervous. Weird. Thanks for being here Blueberry.

If the disease can keep growing

while I'm not drinking then why couldn't my art be growing while I'm not fully being an artist? Fucking repressed fuckness.

What a fucking nightmare.

How many times am I going to write that? Do you know that the only time in my life I actually felt in my own power were 2 times? That's right I said the only time and mentioned 2 times. Well you know what else? I'm doing laundry and the washing machine is freaking out!!! I LOVE IT!!! Ohhhh - ohhh - well now I don't. 1 time was after my first year of college I finally felt myself and became sort of a hippie and I felt free and so happy. I didn't care about meeting a guy and of course that's when I met the love of my life who is now dead. 2nd time was when I started doing comedy and kept doing comedy for 3 years until 9/11. I'm so stressed out and fat. I got fat again. I stopped drinking soda and - fucking a. I ate bread twice today. I am freaked out about this stupid fucking trip - and a little excited but I broke out - total break out face and I also - for fucks sake I got so upset that I cried. Not about the trip but about NO ONE LIKES ME. I mean guys and by guys I mean the 2 guys who I want at this moment to like me. Sweet Fingers is SO not interested. I tried flirting with him and it fell so flat. Plus someone came and took pictures at the video shoot and I look so ugly. I look weirdly fat and just - evil kind of. I have this dark, crazy look in my eye. I started to look better and I just self destructed. I guess - I don't know - I'm so upset. This spandex wearing giant ball sacked weirdo talked to me tonight and it was so fucking creepy. He told me - ugh - who cares what he told me - he was GROSS. My shoulders are so tense - I want to drink. This is exactly what I would drink over. I'm old,fat and my dreams are dead. It's pointless. Seriously - it's not getting any better. Why am I writing this? What the fuck is the point? I wouldn't even care if I was fat and old if I had A LIFE - or if I was funny - which I don't feel like at all. Why the fuck am I here? This stupid fucking book I'm reading says we ponder life when we aren't present. I'm so fucking tired I'm shaking. Someone was trying to access my facebook page - how weird is that? Why - so they can see fat, ugly, tired photos of me? I thought I would feel better and I don't. I thought I would - I could help myself - what?? I am so fucking sexually frustrated it's almost insane. Christ all fucking mighty I'm so tense. I seriously wish I never met that fucking asshole 8 years ago. What? I need to sleep I'm losing my shit completely. I am going to miss my dog so much. I have to rest.

I already feel better

and I didn't even pray/meditate or do yoga yet. I talked to Larni and I - let's see....I guess I just think wrong. I really have wrong thoughts that come up and I think that those wrong thoughts and negative feelings are actually true and lasting. I have to be honest that burger I had on Monday night didn't help me at all. Working that thing out of my system was NOT easy - jesus. Alright I paid my cell phone bill and okay I can start to pack and get a grip on myself. It's going to be alright. One thing I know for sure is that I need to eat food before I do things or bring something with me. FOR SURE. I don't do hungry well. Or overfull. I don't do discomfort well. Okay - gotta walk Miss Doggie.

It's Wednesday and I'm fucking miserable.

I think I should totally meditate and get back into bed? I still feel totally crazy and awful but I managed to get 8 hours of sleep. I just - is it the weather? I feel like I should stop talking about it. I'm so discombobulated and tense. I need to wash my hair there is that. I'm so tired. Maybe I really just need to wash my hair and meditate. I haven't done that since - when? When was the last time I meditated? I'm being very hard on myself. I have to wash the doggies ears and get her all ready for Larni. I need to call him and figure that out. Okay this is what I'm going to do....pray/meditate, walk the dog, do my morning pages, call Larni and take a nap. I also need to call my sister and do some laundry. What else? Okay let's pray and meditate and do some yoga. Let's go with that.

It's raining and I'm starting to fall.

Why the fuck is it so painful to be sober and alive? The fact that I can even complain about being in pain via a computer is such a luxury it's ridiculous. I did the shoot today and maybe I have just had not enough sleep and - I don't know. I'm so tired and uncomfortable and I didn't eat enough before the shoot. All I had was an apple and I still was hungry and I needed more food. It is such a distraction hunger. So then by the time I could have food I went someplace I didn't really want to go to but I did manage to control myself and not order too much. I just need a good nights sleep. I really do. I just am so lonely. There were cute guys there - one was flaming gay but I was so attracted to him and the other one is just not interested in me and it's so depressing. I went to my meeting and on the way I so a man from the meeting and he bought me a water. Ha - that was so nice - very sweet. I also saw Christie Brinkley on the way outside of chicago. I pretended to take pictures of her with my phone so I could get in the paparazzi photos. She really is gorgeous. I told 2 people and they could have cared LESS and one guy didn't even know who she was. Christ. I feel so fucking gross and now I am so stressed about this fucking trip and I have to be honest I don't love filming. What the fuck? I'm an ACTRESS for fucks sake. I'm a funny PERSON. Really? Is that what's wrong with me? I feel fat and I am uncomfortable with my body and I WANT a guy to like me and I'm not getting what I want. I know for a fact that that is the truth. And for some stupid reason Icare what this guy thinks and I know he isn't seeing me for who I am and he doesn't think I'm that great. I HATE THAT. What's even more ridiculous is I don't know that. I really don't. It's none of my business and - ugh - it's just not my time. It's so lonely. I'm lonely and horny. REALLY horny. REALLY lonely. I actually crave human companionship.....that almost never happens with me. I'm changing. I have to leave myself alone now - bye.

Hiiiiii Tuesday

Holy shit I am so tired. But not as tired as I would be if I drank last night or smoked pot!! Or cigarettes for that matter. We are filming something today and I am nervous and I also am tired but I'm happy I'm awake and that I have something creative to do. I just tuned my ukulele and I need to hop in the shower and walk miss doggie really quickly. It's about to rain. I live rather near where this place is that we are filming so that's good - I can get there fast. I had the hugest burger for dinner last night and I think it is trying to work its way out of my body and it's so painful. It had blue cheese, bacon, avocado, red onion and BURGER on it. FUCK YEAH!! Holy shit. I don't think I have time to wash my hair. The guy is coming to take the behind the scene photos - ugh. I don't know how I feel about that. Um - maybe okay - I will try - ugh this isn't about me!! Okay - it really isn't - whoa - okay I feel better. Yeesh. So time to gooooo and I love you!! Talk to you later - hopefully I will get home at a decent hour and I can write moooorrreeee. Bye!!

I'm stressed out now

and I actually do have the day off. I'm going to meet my cousin, need to ask T.N.S.D.A.C. if he can pick up some furniture from her place with his car for me (I hope he can - maybe I can take a cab?), I have therapy, and then a meeting. My nails need to be done, I have to clean - I haven't done yoga and I am so fucking tired. The bartender at work was so supportive of me being sober. He said I look so much better - younger. He said it was great and that he battled his demons before he finally met his wife and got happy. Well I am trying to really accept that won't happen for me or that I can still have a very happy, wonderful, full life however it turns out. I really wish I had more time right now but I watched Six Feet Under when I got home last night and I really needed to sleep. He started to play the Guzheng so I would have been awoken at some point before I wanted to anyway so this is just as well. I'm going to try to take a different train to my cousin's so I don't have to walk through the Times Square tunnel. Oh boy. I'm going to walk the dog - it's gorgeous out - totally beautiful - a great reason to get outside!!

Sunday is here and I have

the day off. I made just enough money this weekend to be able to pay my bills but not really enough to live off of for the rest of the week or to go to the wedding. I'm working one more night before I go and hopefully that will be enough. I have my dear friend coming in today and I can't wait to see her!! This will be fun. Tall Not so Dark And Creepy was just up here stomping around and doing laundry like he does. He STOMPS around and makes tons of noise and then when he has "sex people" over he sneaks up and down the stairs. How hilarious is that? It's like something a 2 year old would do. Okay so anyway work was so hard this weekend but I got to work and I managed to not completely stuff my face with all sorts of disgusting food. I can pay these bills and that's amazing. I am so excited for the weekend and to do a little traveling. I have to go and walk the Miss Doggie - she is staring at me. Love her so much!! I will miss her next weekend - Larni is going to take her for me. I will need to give him some money also. I have to figure that out.....Okay - let's enjoy this day - love you Blueb....

Friday.

I think lots of people get excited about Fridays because they have the weekend off. I just get excited because I hopefully will get to WORK. Tonight I will - and I have to go in a minute to be a door greeter at my meeting. I am so tired and I had the weirdest fucking dream. I dreamed I was married or marrying this really giant heavy (fat) black man and I couldn't remember his name when someone (Jim Norton) came over to get introduced. We were sitting watching a show and I was sewing a red heart into the cover of his notebook.....At the wedding by the beach I was so depressed my mother asked if I wanted wedding cake before the wedding and I started to eat it and it was soooo good and I thought "That's the ticket - cake before!!!" Then I woke up. There was more but what the fuck? I had on like a wedding wedding dress. I wore a red dress to my wedding. A strapless red dress with a black tulle underneath and a black trim, a little black fur coat and I had a leopard purse, nude stockings with a black stripe up the back. Oh dear. Bye gotta go.

Okay so let's see...

The shoot went well and it was really fun and I hurt my knee a tiny bit jumping rope but that was okay. I have to be at work and hour and a half earlier tonight so I can't get to a meeting. I sort of want to write about the annoying way I found out I had to be at work early but I am not going to. Let's see what else? Larni and I went to a show that was fun and we got dinner afterwards and I was telling him about work and he said I should get out of there and I think he is right. I just can't take it anymore and I'm not really making enough money. Am I being crazy? No I'm not - I just feel like I should be loyal to them but I don't know why. It's not right. Well okay - I have another video this week and this one is a musical. Then next weekend is my cousins wedding and so that is my next couple of weeks. This is what happened yesterday that was so great....I performed with ease and I let myself have fun. That used to be SO hard for me. I would always be super stiff and in my head. After watching the show Monday night and seeing people perform with ease it helped me. I guess not being hung over and high also helped. I ALSO was able to pray and meditate before I left the house. This is so boring. The whole point is that even after one of the girls asked if I wanted to smoke pot I didn't want to and my day and my jobs for the day that I had given myself were SO much better because I was straight and I also was prepared. I could have gotten a better nights sleep and if I had gotten to do Yoga and been here at my computer for longer would have been better.....but progress - total progress. But mostly I had fun and the area we shot in was gorgeous and all these people kept taking pictures of us - it was hilarious. Sooo secret blog - I now must go about my day so as to prepare for my job that makes me so sad. It's okay to go get a job elsewhere when I get SO sad about thinking of working. Soon I'm going to get new head shots. Yes - yes - I really want to do that. Maybe - haha - byeeeee Blueberry!!!

Tolerate the feelings.....

that's what my therapist says will help me. Tolerating the negative feelings, the rage, the scary homicidal and suicidal waves. Jesus - well I tried it last night and after I got annoyed I just said to myself "just tolerate these feelings" and they subsided much more quickly than when I try to deny them. First of all denial will get me nowhere and just cause all sorts of other problems. Beating myself up is also just as bad. Well tolerating my feelings made it easier to tolerate Cretona somehow. You know Tall Not So Dark And Creepy has put more stuff than ever outside my door and I have no idea why I would listen to him - he is a very dishonest person. However I just am going to tolerate my annoyance at how - invasive and boudaryless he is as a person. I'm so tired - I definitely did not get enough sleep and I am so over the fucking L word and all these shows for that matter. I'm caught up - time to just lay in bed and read!! I made a vision board (just the board part) out of a bunch of cards I got from family and friends. I taped them all together - I like it. The vision board I have up right now really helped me and I am in the place I wanted to be when I made it. It for sure inspired me and I have enjoyed looking at it. Okaaaay - I have to go - love you Blueb.

So I guess along with my lumpy breast

I have a lumpy stomach. HE said it's nothing to worry about and to just eat healthy and exercise and not smoke and live a long time!! He was really cute. I mean - like he was a cute guy. So bizarre. I felt so much better when I left the doctor and I went and got myself a healthy delicious lunch and some beautiful green apples from Whole Foods. I also got more of the chocolate hazelnut butter - holy crap of amazingness. I loooove that stuff so much. I put it on ezekial bread with ground flax on top. As far as I am concerned that is healthy enough. I had grilled salmon and roasted asparagus and I put olive oil, garlic, and black pepper on it. Fucking delicious. We are shooting another video tomorrow only I am not filming I'm playing a nun who double dutches and is wearing an eye patch that keeps switching from eye to eye. Hahahaaa - I loooove that. I can't wait to double dutch!! I was a double dutch champion in the 8th grade but it was kind of an accident. We went to the tournament and I got so nervous that I couldn't stop jumping. I had this super weird rythm going and I just got stuck in it. All the other girls were jumping really, really fast and kept getting caught up in the ropes. They judge you on how many consistant steps you take so because I kept jumping I had the most steps and we won. We were called The Rainbow Connection and I wore rainbow suspenders. I'm not even fucking kidding. So anyway that's how I know how to double dutch even though it still doesn't really make any sense. And why we are nuns and I have an eye patch is to hard to explain. I have to pee and I am so glad I don't have to worry about this lump anymore. Bye blueberry!!!

I'm so scared about the doctor today

and what I'm most scared about is the fact that I have no health insurance. Oh my God that is scaring me even more than thinking I might be really sick. HE apologized for putting that stuff outside my room and then put MORE stuff and hasn't even opened the box to build the shelves. And for some reason his boyfriend can NOT not smoke outside my room. Four floors down in all fairness but still. Okay I have to go - I have to get ready and walk the dog. Bye Blueberry I love you.

It's Monday and I'm

so far so good sort of. I have plans and that's good. I'm going to therapy, a meditation meeting and then a show. I already prayed and meditated and walked the dog. I remember years ago hearing this guy talking about walking his dog and he always made it seem like such a fucking amazing accomplishment. Now I get it. I wished I didn't but I do. Tall Not So Dark And Creepy apologized for leaving all that stuff outside my door. They are building shelves so they had to get everything out of the laundry room. That was very nice of him. Soft Hugger was there last night at the meeting and he came over and hugged me. He said he hoped I felt better. That was so nice - everyone was so nice. I'm waiting for Her Lady Wonder to call me back but it might not happen. I didn't go to the doctor today. I will go tomorrow after the meeting I'm going to run. Do you know what? I asked my friend to read my chart and she said - I don't know - it was kind of vague what she said but she seemed to indicate that I won't be very happy with what is going on but that it will be okay and I will be better for it. Huh. That probably isn't at all what she said. I need to go - I have to pick up some things before therapy and I still need to shower. I love typing on here. I feel the same way about typing as I do painting. I love the way it feels in my fingers - I like the flow of energy out of my hands. The delicate movement. It feels like dancing with my finger tips. That's all for now. Bye Blueberry. Thanks for being here today.

This book tells me it's going

to help me getter better at feeling - not just feel better. I had such a strange thing happen tonight. I had clothes in the laundry and dryer and then I heard Tall Not So Dark And Creepy go in there and open up the dryer. So I went out there and asked if everything was okay and he said yes - he was looking for his bath mat that was in there before. I don't know - I just think maybe I perceived him as doing something creepy when he wasn't. It's just do sad. It could be so much nicer here. I don't think they mean or even want to be so awful. It's so hard. Life is so hard. It's so hard to live with people and have relationships and to - exist and feel and breathe. I don't know. He is creepy sometimes but maybe he is creepy for his own reasons and it really doesn't have anything to do with me. I went to a meeting and I shared about how awful I have been feeling. I was honest and I felt better. I went and got food at a diner with some friends and then I came home and did my nails, some cleaning and watched the L Word and did my laundry. I have green nails. I am scared to go to the doctor. I don't want to. Huh I really don't. I can't drink soda anymore - I have to stop. I need to watch more L Word. Bye.

Larni called me and I feel better....

I talked to him and he gave me something to work on creatively thank God and so I feel a little better. I worked on it a little while and then I walked the dog. Just him calling helped. That was something I didn't expect to happen. I'm going to call Her Lady Wonder and then get out of the house. I look awful. My face is all puffy from crying all day yesterday and I have stress lines all over my face. How sad. I will feel better after a shower - I hope. I hope I feel better after the meeting and getting out of the house for a little bit. I wish things were different but they aren't. I don't understand.

What am I going to do?

I don't see any way out. I really don't. I have no idea what to do. Meditate? Really? Okay - um - go to meetings and feel uncomfortable? Okay? I just don't see the point of me living. I'm not doing a good job and it's not going to get any better. I have no health insurance, and no love. I guess the one thing I can say is that it's only for today. Just let it go. I will try and just not think about it. I really wanted to smoke pot last night and I really want to drink. I want to smoke pot the most. I'm poor. I'm a poor person and I can't get myself out of this. I also am - so desperate for human touch. It's so unhealthy. I guess I have to stop writing, this isn't helping either. I'm more suicidal and scared than ever. I just really won't be able to think or write my way out of this. I realized at work last night that so much of what I do is fear based. I just am always scared. Okay so what now I'm being hard on myself. I can't. Who cares. Today I can eat and well - I can write on here. I will just - let it all go. I give up. God doesn't want me to be a woman or even be happy. Or even to feel particularly alive. I don't know that that is totally true. A baby. I want a baby. I want love. I want to work somewhere safe and healthy and to - not feel suicidal. I got the dog to the vet and I paid my rent. I really don't know what else to say except that I am not okay. I am really not okay.

Someone threw up on me last night.

I was just standing there watching a comic who has gotten SO funny and writes really well and then this girl comes around the corner barfs on my arm and all all over the floor. Thank GOD I had a long sleeve shirt on and thank GOD I already was having the worst night ever. I made no money and that girl Beast wasn't even there. She never works. She will work 2 days this week and she won't show up on time and she has a new car and a new Ipad. Who cares about her anymore. I am at my wits end. I would settle for getting to have sex and not waking up to either the guzheng, flute or piano.I'm so worried about this trip to Key West. I don't know if I'm going to have enough money to even go. My sections are not good the next few weeks at all. It's so crazy living like this. I asked her for help - I asked her to put me on the show. I not only will never ask her for anything again but she fucked with my money and now I don't want her to have the easy job she has. I'm not sure if I should follow this desire. I don't really want to but boy are there people who really want to fuck her over there. Well I just don't know what to do. I need another job. I have to really think about this and somehow try to get through this week with the little bit of money I have. I need to go to the doctor tomorrow and ask him/her about this lump. I have been so miserable and unhappy for so long I wouldn't be one bit surprised if it's cancer. This is so sad. I have to move and I have to get out of this city I guess. I am dying a different way now. So sad and awful. And already one of them is playing the guzheng. I can't fucking take it. I have tried so hard and I really can't fucking take it.

I just completely freaked out

and screamed and threw the pen at the door a bunch of times and scared the shit out of the dog. She hid under the bed. I wish that part didn't happen but I needed to freak out. I really am in a horrible place and I look and feel horrendous. I don't think it's crazy at all that I would rather be drinking. What's the fucking difference? I have no idea what I would tell me if I heard or saw me like this. I would say for sure not to act on this right now. I just really hate where I am and why wouldn't I? I work so hard all the time and rugs and alcohol are in my face and I can't seem to get myself out of where I and and I have no way other than this to express myself. And honestly these cigarettes can not help at all. It's so fucking ridiculous and it doesn't effect anyone here but me.

Once again so upset

and so assaulted by this fucking house and my horrible job. It smells like cigarettes and I never have any fun. I hate living here and I hate my job. I asked her to work the preshow, she asked someone else and then she asked me again to work ONLY I WAS SLEEPING and then she said nevermind. She just ignored my text. I don't even want to go in there. I am really once again not okay. This is such a fucking joke. IT's all such a fucking joke and so fucking pointless. I'm going to be 40 in a few months. I really am fucking suicidal again. It's only going to get worse who am I kidding? What a fucking joke. I am filled with rage and hate. I already cried today.

I have no idea.

Isn't it good that I have no idea? The Tao says that it's easier to teach a man who doesn't know and I do not know anything. This is a slow slow slooowwww process and Her Lady Wonder said that sometimes it's not and that makes sense to me and for some horrible reason this is slow right now. I am really freaked out about this lump. I called the clinic and they said to just come in - walk in and then if the doctor needs to refer me they will. Okay so I feel like I should try to get free health insurance before this. Why? SO if it's cancer I can go through chemotherapy? I don't think that I can handle that. And if I desperately try to do anything it never works. I just need to go to the doctor on Monday and find out what the fuck it is. I think it might have shrank a little and now it hurts from me squeezing it. So maybe the Castor oil is working. What the fuck? I need to pray and meditate. I need to do the Castor oil and I need to go to a meeting. This book is now talking about how 12 step programs aren't necessary and that when you are an addict you become addicted to meetings instead of the substance. Jesus. I wanted this book to really help me but maybe now I won't even be able to finish reading it. Well I can take from it what I need. I asked the girl who introduced me to the doctor how she stopped drinking, she told me, and then she said she had a glass of wine last night. Ohhhhh that's how she stopped drinking - she didn't. I can pay my rent today. That is so great. What isn't great is that they keep storing stuff outside my bedroom door by the ladder to the roof. Um - really who cares? I mean they do douchey disrespectful things and I know that. Here's the thing it's not my room it's outside my room and now that I have made certain boundaries clear they won't do things INSIDE my room. I'm not kidding they would have put that stuff in my room and done God knows what else a couple of years ago. Okay so if I didn't drink the soda water I could save more money. Soda in general. I have cut back on Starbucks but if I completely cut it out. I need another job. Some other way to save money. I need a new job. I want to move and I want a new job. Same thing I always say and meanwhile I'm not doing what I wanted to do to begin with. Tortured. Sort of. Okay I just need to take care of this day. I just need to do what I can do today to be okay and to not drink, take drugs or eat a buffalo fried in bacon fat. With cheese and sauteed onions plus bbq sauce and cheddar. And a gallon of coca-cola with a grape soda chaser. Shiiiieeeetttttt!!