The Lie.The Apple.The Dream.

My guy says that the lie that alcoholism tells us is that "We are pieces of shit, never going to amount to anything and that we wasted our whole lives."  Among other things.  So my goal the last couple of days and my main goal in 2015 is to say to those lies "This can't possibly be true.  No.  NO to these thoughts - NO."  It's helped already and I have PMS and trying to stop any negative thought is a GIANT feat for sure.  I have this friend from years ago who said to me once - she said "This is my only chance to get to be (her name) - this is the only lifetime I get to be this person and I'm going to enjoy it."  How AMAZING is that???  It occurred to me yesterday that I'm human - that's it - it's really that simple - so why don't I just enjoy it- enjoy being me in this lifetime.  Jesus - enough already.  So that means taking care of myself right?  So enter The Apple.  I'm always hungry - always enraged at other people chomping on the subway and I basically refuse to do it.  But last night I had this beautiful apple and I wanted to eat it.  I had carried it around all day and I was starving.  I knew I could spend money at those newspaper stands in the subway and buy a candy bar but I didn't want to - I wanted to eat my apple and I knew the subway was going to come and then I would be that person - eating a fucking never ending apple on the subway.  So I did it.  I ate it.  I got on the subway - squished myself between people and I ate that apple.  It was delicious first of all and it made the obnoxious girl talking SO loud about her poor roommate's rage issues (because he was abused) not bother me, or the crazy man who was talking into his sleeve.  I was also able to enjoy the tender Asian couple across from me - they were so sweet.  I swear to God - it was one of the best subway rides I've ever had.  I saved money, calories and rage time.  Now for The Dream.  I can't remember what it was!  Ha - someone called me and now I have no idea what I was going to write.  Something about 2015?  To keep growing and stay sober - love my guy and take care of myself.  Keep helping others or at least try to and be willing to.  Love you Bluebie - here's to you and 2015!!!

Pms. Holidays. Sigh.

I can't believe how much harder it is for me to write on here since I have the guy in my life now.  He's so wonderful - I just feel so weird writing around him and I'm REALLY terrified to write on his computer because I don't want him to see it!  Ugh - whatever - he already TOTALLY knows me - it's not like he would be shocked.  Like he would be "Holy shit - she was ranting and raving one minute and then totally fine the next - WHAT A PSYCHO."  That's not even funny.  I am in like a pms super-nova.  Holy shit.  Anyway - Christmas was spectacular and now I am back in the city and I'm just a mess.  But whatever - I took care of myself today, talked to my alanon sponsor, went to therapy (where my therapist couldn't remember what we were talking about last time - and it was almost LIFE CHANGING - CHRIST), went to a meeting, bought myself a 5 year coin that I never got and I came home and I'm cleaning and cooking which I LOVE.  I also - what?  I also - ugh who knows?  I need to go back to the grocery store for vinegar and cupcake mix.  That's the only thing that is going to help right now - cupcake making and eating.  Oh I went grocery shopping.  I am just being so HARD on myself - it was such a nice holiday - no one made me feel bad - my doucheface cousin wasn't there - it was great - and I'm still a mess.  Oh well.  One fucking day a time right?  UGH.  Bye.

Day 1937.

It's been a good day.  Family came - we tromped all over the place - took a million pictures, ate food, shopped - went to Chinatown and got a knock-off bag.  Holy shit that was so fun!  How have I lived in this city for so long and never done that - what a blast!  Some lady was waiting outside the train - brought us to some shady people - showed us pictures and then some guy shows up with a bag inside another bag.  Ha - and all these ladies with jewelry all over them selling it - you know - all up and down their arms and watches and MORE people with purses.  So funny.  I loved it!   We went to see a show and then the guy running the show asked me to do a spot - so much fun.  It's a lot of work walking around the city with extra people but it was great.  So sweet.  We went to see the ice skaters at Bryant Park and shopped at some of the outdoor shopping places which was also super fun.  I got the guy some weird Christmas presents.  He has everything but I think he will like what I got him.  It's fun just to get presents right?  Oh I guess I could always get him clothes - lord - right?  Don't men always need us to help them get dressed a little bit?  Maybe not I don't know.  Anyway - it was a good day and I also got to a meeting.  Amen.

All good.

Everything was great.  Easy.  Sweet.  So fucking bizarre - or not - I don't know.  Anyway - the cousins all loved him and everything was really great.  They are coming to the city today to hang out so that will be lovely.  The guy is so wonderful.  He dropped me off at the show I was doing last night - hosting - then I came back home.  There was a girl on who brought up stuff also.  Time to get my career back to the present but I'm not sure how.  I guess having fun is a good place to start.  Yeah - having a better attitude?  So fucking uncomfortable seeing people from when I was a waitress and a douche bag.  This chick was too cool for school and it was reaaaaaally uncomfortable.  But so confident.  Amazing.  I need to get some of that!  Hey - good for her.  Well I worked through that more quickly than I thought I would.  Love you sweet Bluebers.

Choking.

I feel like I am choking all the time lately.  My coat always seems too tight around my neck and yesterday I was like what is choking me and it was my necklace just lying on either side of my throat.  There's picture of my grandmother that my grandfather painted and she's drinking a cup of coffee and she has her hand around her throat.  I heard my aunt say that my grandmother always had her hand around her throat like that.  I just feel like I'm choking and I guess she did too.  Maybe she was trying not to say something I don't know.  So today is the day I am (we all are) going to meet my nephew that my sister gave up for adoption 30 years ago.  I was 13, I met him once and now he's 30.  I don't know if I can handle this.  It's bringing up so much I can't even believe it.  Between that and that Thanksgiving with my awful, selfish cousin - I just am so aware of how I feel like I don't matter.  Look I know some of it is being an alcoholic - we just feel like the biggest pieces of shit on the planet.  But some of it is a very real feeling of just feeling like I should sit down, shut up and not cause any more trouble.  But more than that - I don't know - can I just say I don't know - I have vitamins sitting in my throat - they won't go down.  I feel like I have no voice and isn't ironic that I am writing this on a secret blog.  I just feel like I don't matter enough to take care of myself.  The other night as I left my acting class and Jesus as I write this I can just feel and see in my mind's eye that if my cousin or some other expectant person in my class had a need and asked me for it - I would throw everything away I've done to give it to them.  What the fuck is that?  Maybe this sounds dramatic and selfish - I don't know but this is what is happening.  So I went to my teacher and said thank you - happy holidays and he said - same to you, you are doing great work - you just need to project.  And I said "Oh yes I have a projection problem."  And he said "What???"  He's 92 but he's hears very well - I just didn't even project THAT.  There's was my old acting teacher standing right there and that beautiful talented boy and they both looked away awkwardly.  HA.  Or whatever - is that even a ha?  Christ.  I mean everything feels all stuck inside me and you know what it is!  All the farting, all the burping - my bloated belly - my poor bazillion sore throats growing up.  Do you know I had strep throat at least 25 times growing up and I had scarlet fever TWICE.  You can't even get it twice.  I need to go to a meeting.  I love you Bluebie.  This can't be fun to listen to today - at least you have to the rest of the ether and internet to check out.  xoxoxoxoxoxo

Day 1933 - Back the The Present.

Well something shifted after all the days of sadness and complete discomfort.  First of all while reading The Spirituality of Imperfection I realized what a gift acting in my life is.  The book tautes how we all consist of light and dark - positive and negative.  I have had sucha hard time accepting that inmyself.  And then suddenly I thought about those masks they always use for theatre - the drama mask and the comedy mask put together.  And I was like right - there I love both the good and the bad.  Then I became so grateful to be able to act at all - even if it's just a class right now mostly - and then I also became so grateful to have so much positive and negative in me.  THEN - I ALSO realized (I have probably realized it before but this really struck me this time) that I have been trying to work from the creative place I was in before I became a total drunk and bottomed out.  And I just realized that 1. It's not working (whomp) and 2. It's so fucking boring and 3.  IT'S SO FUCKING BORING.  I'm alive I'm my own person and this is where I am in my life - I am a woman and isn't it so much more interesting to be working from the place where I actually am today?  Am I making sense?  I am having this creative mind shift.  Like I am getting present.  WOW.  Anyway.  So yeah - what the fuck am I doing now?  I don't know but I'm more excited and interested.  Also in regards to my crush on my acting teacher.  Who cares?  This is what I always used to do in relationships.  Look always to some other person to be the one who I should "really" be with.  FUCKING BARF.  So boring.  Lame.  I had such a nice time with the guy last night.  Talking, just being together - so healthy and kind.  Great sex.  UM - what else IS THERE?  Jesus Fucking Holy Christ.  So - so for today I can see my self-destructive mind - thank God - and not act from it.  Man I want to eat like an entire cow.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

UGH.

WHAT am I DOING?  Holy FUCK.  I can NOT sell this jewelry this month and I am just so tired an such an angry mess.  Can you please tell me how in the fucking WORLD am I going to make it through these next 2 weeks?  I'm so stressed out and this guy is being SO NICE.  He's being SO NICE and I'm still SO stressed out.  He is so helpful and kind and I still can barely keep it together.  I'm so tired and uncomfortable.  Like in my body.  I feel like I need to take 10 showers.  OMG I FEEL LIKE I HAVE PMS AND THIS IS THE 10 MINUTES DURING MY CYCLE WHEN I DONT.  Is this because I ate McDonalds last night before bed??  Because I drank a soda?  Did I masturbate too much?  Did I not pray enough?  Is it the cookie I ate yesterday?  Is it the supplements I take?  Are they wrong or bad?  Am I wrong or bad?  How do I still have a crush on my acting teacher - WHAT IS THAT ABOUT???  God.  Why can't I just be grateful and satisfied and ACCEPT my life?  Sometimes I do.  Who fucking cares I guess.  I'm doing the best I can.  Yeah - right?  Yeah.  YEAaaaaaaHHHHH.  SIGH.  Ugh.  Bye.

Glorious.

I've been having hard days lately - I've been getting so sad.  Ugh - so painful.  Today I woke up and I talked to my alanon sponsor and I finally got myself out of the apartment and to my rehearsal but it was hard.  I rehearsed, went to my management office and brought them a Holiday gift, then went to a meeting and then went to my class.  And the class was glorious.  It was such a wonderful fucking class.  My old acting teacher worked and it was wonderful but everyone was wonderful and my new teacher is so fucking amazing.  My partner was so fun - so easy - amazing.  So.  So I felt so different after all that - then I also went to a Holiday party just for a few minutes to show my face and THAT was also fun.  It's what make me happy.  Being creative - that's it - it just makes me so happy.  This class is just packed with all sorts of people working in all sorts of ways.  I mean they get work - they get paid.  Okay I have to go to sleep and even though I still feel the sadness I just had to write about how glorious it was to get up and out of the house and go about my day and experience the shift.  TO work through the shift.  To keep working despite not feeling well.  That's amazing and I don't know if I've ever really been able to do that before.  Ah - a good day working on myself but also a good creative day.  So beautiful!!  Love you Bluebie bye!

OKAAaaaaaay.

Yeesh.  I produced a show last night - with a friend.  I haven't done that in a decade.  Over a decade really.  HOLY SHIT-NUTS was that intense.  It was okay.  Pretty good.  Fairly fun.  I loved the producing part - being the host and seater and money taker and rearranging everything was a lot but overall it went really well.  My co-producer was amazing.  The guy came and was so nice after the show and I was being such a needy self-absorbed turd-bucket.  Jesus - I mean it was crazy.  He's so wonderful and kind and patient.  And he's not a comedian or an actor and you know that is such a miraculously beautiful thing.  Amazing.  Well so yeah.  I'm tired today.  What else is there to say?  I feel like so much happens and I never have time to write on here.  It's amazing how busy having a boyfriend makes me.  I had a weird thing with my sponsor this week but we worked through it - thank God.  I also had a weird thing with the guy but we worked through it.  I also had my period but I worked through it.  WOW.  I miss my dog and I'm so scared about Christmas.  Well so the good news is that I'm still completely self-absorbed.  No major changes here.  That being said I love you sweet Bluebers.  Byeeeee.

My sister struggle of a different mother...

What?  I'm tired and I had a weird thing with my sponsor and I am (ha) left questioning everything.  I'm going to go ahead and get right to something positive.  I called my therapist and she called me back and she really talked to me.  She's so NICE and you know that's what I need and what I want.  People who are nice.  So good.  Now what is going to happen?  I'm going to keep going I guess.  I have a show tonight at 11:00 - I had my class last night but tomorrow night I have the night off.  I was talking to this young hot guy in my class last night and he always sits near me - gorgeous - so charming.  He asked me how long I had been doing comedy and I told him and then (I'm blushing as I write this) HE GOT UP AND MOVED.  HAAA - omg sigh and cry.  He has been sitting near me for weeks and now that I told him I had been doing comedy for 14 years he got up and moved. 
can you even just die at that thought?  He was like "SHE IS SO OLD BYE."  Or I don't know - maybe he was just like "SHE IS SO UNSUCCESSFUL.  BYE."  Well I might as well just make the best of it.  Of all of this.  Oh good that really sad, sentimental song is playing on the radio.  Fucking tender hearts - gross.  Omg I'm crying.  I can't.  Love you Bluebie bye.

The struggle.

It's 11:04 and I'm so exhausted.  I'm home and in my pajamas and that is glorious.  I ate Chinese Food for dinner and I ate too much of it but I don't care - I hate wasting food and it was fucking delicious.  I'm so tired of the struggle.  Just pounding the pavement to get around - riding the subway forever - being stared at - ha.  I do plenty of staring.  Meetings, shows, class - more meetings - oh my GOd - EATING while walking SO FAST.  I haven't paid my rent for November and I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent for December and keep taking my acting class.  I love my class.  Do I love my class?  I'm still missing my other class.  This class is fabulous but you know what - for the first time - in a long time or ever - I want to work.  I want to be fucking WORKING.  I'm sick of running around pretending to be an actress - not actually getting to ACT and GET PAID for it.  ARGH.  Fuck.  Okay - so.  So I spend all day now working on this jewelry and occasionally working at my job and then I have no time to write and look for acting work - or ACT.  Or do more comedy!!  I need some sort of schedule - I just can't.  I can't be wasting my time like this.  I need hours - I need business hours.  OKAY.  I want to live with my boyfriend.  Do I want to live with my boyfriend?  What if I don't want to talk to anyone for 47 hours straight?  Orrrr - I don't know.  UGH.  I feel very frustrated and flustered and CONSTIPATED (sorry) - CREATIVELY.  I really do.  This helped actually.  Love you Bluebie - BYE.

Completely tired....

What day is it?  Day 1918.  It's been one thousand, nine hundred and eighteen days since I put a drink of alcohol in my face.  That suddenly doesn't seem like so many days but it's been FIVE years.  Holy shit.  I'm so tired.  I did 2 shows last night and it was Thanksgiving!!  We went to see my family and helped on the farm.  You can tell my father likes my boyfriend because he asks him to do a million things.  I didn't have good shows last night and I felt old.  But well - to be honest I think I actually look better than I used to and well - the crowd at one show was weird - it was raining and I was SO tired!!  How the fuck am I supposed to get IT UP when I'm so tired?  How can I possibly BRING IT all the time?  Do I ever bring it?  Haha.  I've been working on this jewelry everyday.  Yeesh - fucking exhausting.  I decided today that this is going to be my second job - besides acting and comedy.  What?  I mean besides the store I work at.  I AM SO TIRED.  And bloated.  With horizontal stripes on.  Hahaha.  Okay - I'm going to a meeting after work and then I'm going to another alanon meeting.  How is this interesting?  Then I'm going to Staples. Hahahahhaaa - sigh.  Whomp.  Fart.  Bye.

I just ate a pizza at work.

It's so cold & rainy and I have a cold.  So I ate a pizza.  Garlic and spinach.  It was fucking delicious.  I am so chilly and I'm tired.  I did 2 shows last night -which was good.  I need a coffee I think.  The guy has a cold too.  So in the am we are driving to the farm and over the weekend I'm going to try and sell some jewelry.  It does seem crazy in this weather and I am forgetting how to have fun with it.  I'm so tired of being poor but I guess more than that I'm tired of feeling scared about it.  I feel the same way whether I have money or not so BLECH.  I'm over it.  I have a cold AND a yeast infection (I don't mean to brag).  Well I'm going to make cranberry scones tonight and make my mother a pineapple upside down cake.  That's fun right?  What I really want to do is go home after work and go to bed at 9:30 and sleep for 4 days.  My schedule is so much lighter than it was and I'm still so tired.  Or - I don't know - maybe I'm just tired because I have a cold and it's raining.  I REALLY don't know if I can handle 4 MORE WEEKS of Christmas music.  Holy fucking Jesus balls.  Okay well I think I have complained enough.  On a more awesome and grateful note (why not it's Thanksgiving??) I have 1911 days sober.  Sober and more or less clean (except for all the rage and poor behavior).  Hooray!!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Oh BOY.

Jeez - well yesterday I had some sort of implosion.  By the time I left the store I was angry and filled with rage and - not good.  I couldn't shake it off - even after therapy and a meeting.  I finally ate Cheetos, an ice cream sandwich, watched New Girl and then slept 9 hours and then prayed and meditated for well over an hour this morning and I feel better.  Well - so I feel better and now I need to get out of my pajamas and get up and at 'em.  I don't know about anyone else but I need time alone.  That's all there is to it.  But now I need to get out there and back into the world.  Jesus - I was taking myself VERY seriously last night.  Can you imagine adding drugs and alcohol to that?  That's what I used to do.  Get angry - filled with rage and then just dump lighter fluid on top of it.  It wasn't always like that - sometimes it was fun and crazy - I would feel relief and feel better.  But at the end of it - I was always just relighting the rage - silently stewing in my own pot of hatred.  What???  OMG - could I be more melodramatic right now?  Well it's true though.  I'm so sad I wasted that time - wasted my joy - wasted my light.  WELL I DON'T HAVE TO ANYMORE - and these programs help give me the tools to not do that anymore.  How was this so exhausting to write?  Haaaa - sigh.  I need to go in the park and get some fresh air.  My love to you my sweetest, sturdiest Bluebie!!!  Byeeeee!!

POEM

I haven't got much to say
So I will dance
In my head
As I waste away
sitting here
Pretending I care
I DO CARE.
Why did I eat SO MUCH TOFU?
WHO OVEREATS TOFU?????
Bye.

Playful Manifestation.

That was today's centering thought or title or whatever for Deepak and Oprah's meditation challenge.  Have you been doing it?  It's really wonderful.  Have I written about this before?  Deepak has such a soothing voice!  Omg - which is not how I usually feel when I listen to Indian men.  Yeah - I like it.  So today was about playful manifestation.  I'm more of the school of Manipulative Manifestation.  Or Forceful Manifestation or Drive It Into The Ground Manifestation.  So - see - that's why the guided meditations are helpful!  I am so stressed out that my shoulders hurt.  When I am stressed out I scrunch my shoulders up around my neck - holy fucking tense tension.  All I have been doing is sitting here today trying to learn about this jewelry.  Okay I also ate and put on make-up.  HOW IN THE FUCK is that doing something?  And I talked to the guy a little bit.  Oh that sweet guy.  I did sell a pair of gloves.  WHAT?  Who am I???  I did a show last night and that was good.  Tonight I am going to try and sell more jewelry.  I guess we will see how it goes!!  Playfully!  Right?  I am really going to work from that place of Playful Manifestation.  Okay loooove you Bluebie byeee!!

WARNING - I'M GOING TO BE POSITIVE

I had such a nice weekend with the guy and then I went and did a show tonight and brought some friends with me - Larni and some other people.  Then we went to a diner and I had SUCH a great time!  I mean - are you kidding me?  I also went to a meeting and went for a jog this morning.  I feel so blessed.  Right now the super and the homeless guy who helps him are painting outside in the hallway and smoking - HA - so there you go - I'm not being completely positive!  I had a decent show and now I need to do homework, do my yoga and go to sleep.  AMEN LITTLE BLUEBIE - AMEN.

What I learned about myself today.....

I don't understand people and I don't understand how to understand what the fuck is ever going on in reality.  Also I don't really give a shit and I'm tired and sometimes I would rather lie than deal with people.  I'm not sure how that' helpful but there it is.  Oh life!  So tender.  Bye.

Clarity.

I can't seem to get any clarity about what I want.  What I REALLY want.  I want health insurance and a job and a beautiful place to live.  So I have no health insurance - I can't get other work because it conflicts with my job here - I do some comedy - take an acting class and I'm trying to sell this jewelry.  It's too much!  Oh my GOD - I am about to fall asleep.  I'm afraid to even SAY what I really want.  Okay bye.

Class.

I had class last night.  It was wonderful - so amazing - I feel so totally grateful and blessed to be taking this class.  I had an interesting (to me) thing happen - very recovery based.  I had that jewelry thing yesterday which I got my period right in the middle of - I think because it was a room of over 100 womena nd I think my period just got confused.  ANYWAY - I wasn't prepared for that and I felt soooo gross and confused.  Byt he time I got to class I really was a bit of a mess.  I met my scene partner early and we rehearsed but I felt so gross and I was like "Oh he hates me..." blah blah blah - right?  So then we get picked to go 14th and I told myself I would let myself go brush my teeth - freshen up - take CARE of myself before we rehearsed again (you leave 1 or 2 people before you onstage to prepare) and got to go onstage.  So I did - I took my time and took care of myself and then it was so much easier to work with him.  I also had told myself the scene wasn't funny and then I said stop thinking anything about it - just take the challenge and DO THE WORK.  And then guess what?  It was funny - there's so much in the scene and it's hilarious.  Okay gotta go and somehow try to sell something at this store today.  Love your blogger face.

Glorious weekend....

I am getting nail polish dryer shit all over my keyboard right now - I hope it's not fucking up the computer?  I have to wipe it off.  I had a glorious weekend with the guy and tomorrow I have a jewelry convention.  Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye!!

A mess.

So tired- I feel so burnt out and - also lucky though.  The guy is so great - SO NICE - so sweet.  My class is amazing.  I'm just fried and I have PMS early and it's SO bad this time omg.  I have to go to bed right this second.  The jewelry is slooooowly moving along.  Okay - bye.

Bored with no pants on.....

I ended up staying home until it's time for me to go to my meeting and get to class.  I took care of some things, folded some laundry and took a nap.  Looked at some porn.  I have on no pants and I don't think I have ever felt manlier in my life.  The jewelry party went really well!!  My mind is blown!!  Now I just need to do that more.  It's also way to warm in here.  I have on 2 shirts - but again - no pants.  Underwear - please I'm not a savage.  Soooooooooo - I think it's safe to say I have too much time on my hands but - well - um - I like it?  I'm going to read my play before class. Loooooove YOU Bluebie!!

Cranberry Scones.

I am so tired suddenly but I don't want to stop this assignment I have given myself of writing for one hour every day (20 minutes).  I just made cranberry scones and (from scratch) and while I was making them I had the TV on - just on NY1.  I fucking had SO much fun.  All by myself - it would have been so nice and great if the guy were here but also - I love baking so much that I was just so happy to be doing it.  I ate 3 of them - 2 were little ones?  So they are delicious - maybe a touch oniony?  I'm not entirely sure why that would be.  Anyway - I cleaned earlier today and I mean I really cleaned the kitchen - washed the garbage cans - cleaned out the fridge, the stove, the oven - the floor, under the sink (am I bragging?).  So it was nice to cook in a clean kitchen!  I am so entertained by any channel that when I do turn the TV on - sometimes I never even change the channel.  It's so fascinating to me - so entertaining.  I have another jewelry party tomorrow and I went to a great show tonight - this afternoon really.  I am suddenly so sleepy.  Okay well maybe today I will have written for 5 minutes.  I also wrote a joke so does that count for anything?  Yes - of course!!  It  took about 3 minutes total.  WOW - I am SO sleepy - I think I need to go right to bed.  What about my yoga?  And my teeth?  Goodnight sweet Bluebers.

Scary Story on Halloween......

Today is my therapy night.  Tonight is Halloween.  Here in New York City there is a Halloween Parade that goes up 6th Avenue - starting a few streets below my therapy (I don't know maybe it's way below - but close enough).  The whole West Village is a fucking NIGHTMARE.  I had to cross 2 barriers just to get to therapy and once I got there - in the waiting room was Morticia - slutty Morticia - who just stared at me until her boyfriend came out of his therapy and then they left.  LEAVING THERAPY?  Trying to get to my station?  NIGHTMARE.  Hoards of people - I finally got behind a cop who was making his way through the crowd yelling and I was able to get past the biggest hoard but not before he farted SO BAD my hair blew back and my nose hairs fell out.  HORRIFYING.  Well I finally got shoved to the train station and got on the train and then had the most calm, lovely, quiet ride home.  AMAZING.  Anyway I'm trying to write for an hour everyday and I already wrote in my journal and now I'm writing here.  I suppose with me taking breaks to watch this Simpsons episode that's on I've written for 20 minutes.  IT'S A START!!  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Scared at Rite-Aid.

Is it Rite-Aide?  I don't know - either way I got scared.  I was picking out a nail polish and a kid came over and asked if I wanted a cookie - he was holding one in the palm of his hand and I said "No thank you" very nicely.  Then he asked me if I give head.  I just looked at him and he had this look on his face and I realized he was so YOUNG and I just said "Not to 12 year olds now get the fuck away from me."  And I pointed my finger and I said it really loud.  Then he made a face and was like "Ohhhh" and his friend said "What did she say - oh man - I really wanted some head." As they were going out the door.  They left and then I got scared.  So I didn't know what to do and I just kept looking for the color I was looking for which is a really weird color so I took me forever to find and by the time I did I had calmed down.  But that fucking SCARED me.  What the fuck was this kid doing?  He was 12 but he was still bigger than me.  Of course my ego was like "Oh I must look so much better" except I look AWFUL today.  And do you know what I was wearing?  Blue tights, a dress with daisies on it and a (ha) dumpy cashmere sweater.  With a really sexy, dirty bun on my head.  No make-up.  HA.  What the fuck?  Then I told my boyfriend and he was like "Oh his friend probably dared him."  I was SO FUCKING MAD.  I was like that fucking kid SCARED THE SHIT out of me.  I told my boyfriend I'm going to learn Marshal Arts (I think I spelled that wrong) and then he said I was reacting to the situation and then I REALLY got mad.  Whatever - we worked it out but what is happening to me?  I suddenly can't deal with people anymore and I can't deal with some shitty little 12 year old.  I hate being scared almost as much as I hate being angry.  What?  You would think I love being angry.  I just ate so much garlic I have like fumes coming out of me.  What can I do?  What is an action I can take right now?  I know - do my little yoga before bed.  I want to lie down and be victimized but I think I am doing myself a better turn by doing yoga.  Ugh - I'm so upset - these last couple of weeks have been so sucky.  But yet - not.  UGH.  Okay - I love you Bluebie - GOOD NIGHT.

I'm SO BORED and I could have written 2 NOVELS BY NOW.

Or at least one or at least a STORY for fuck's sake.  I have to get another job.  I need to be able to take better care of myself - THAT'S IT.  I mean I just charged a VERY expensive salad on my credit card but I was HUNGRY and I need something healthy.  OH yikes.  So I just sit here and worry while I'm at this job and just look at facebook and google weird shit and get nothing done.  Sometimes I write in my journal a little bit.  Ahhhhhhh!!!  Okay - so I'm going to get myself a FUCKING JOB.  This is what I want.  I want to work 40 hours a week at a job where I get benefits (great ones) and where I get paid enough to survive (well) on one job, that is creative and fun and interesting and where I'm learning and being of service.  THAT'S WHAT I WANT.  9-5 - or 10-6.  YES.  THAT'S WHAT I WANT.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Day 1881.

I have this day counting app on my phone and it says "You have been in recovery for 1,881 Days."  So that's how I know.  How many days I have.  That's a lot of days but also - not so many.  I'm so happy I'm sober.  I just got back from class.  I had an amazing set onstage last night - I killed - I had fun - it was so great.  I did not kill in class tonight - at all.  Ha - this monologue I'm working on is a of a dancer and tonight - I danced and I was having trouble to say the least - breathing.  My teacher said (ha) "Well I'm sorry you're so out of breath."  HA - aaaaand WHOMP.  Jesus - he's fucking 92 and he called me out for being out of shape.  But it's true.  Anyway - so I love the class but it's certainly not happening quickly.  I am just going along slowly with everything.  Lots of work in the programs - lots of meetings - I met with 2 of my sponsees the last 2 days so I am being of service.  I have no money - that credit card is just fattening right the fuck up.  I need to put myself on some sort of crazy, miniscule budget.  I mean - I could do that.  I SHOULD DO THAT.  What do I mean "I could?"  What the fuck is that - am I threatening to get my shit together?  Jesus.  My guy is about to move into his new apartment - I helped him pick out a couch and lamps for the new place - that was fun.  I don't know OMG THERE IS A MOUSE IN MY FRYING PAN RIGHT NOW.  I just made this delicious fried dessert and APPARENTLY HE WANTS SOME.  I am so fucking grossed out and at the same time so lonely for a pet that I hope he LOVES IT.  My life is so ridiculous sometimes.  I need to go to bed - love you Bluebie byeee.

I'm chewing my lip off.

Excuse me - lips.  Stressful week and I really don't have enough money and I really am so fucking tired.  I have sat here all fucking day at this job - I had to FORCE myself to put some hats and scarves into the system and then I - what?  I felt like I moved mountains or at least like I really contributed to society.  BY PUTTING HATS AND SCARVES into the system.  I'm yelling.  I'm very upset.  I'm so hurt by something a friend said to me - a lot of somethings - I just am having such a hard time getting past it.  I felt sick for 2 days.  Okay - how is this so hard?  I've been in recovery for 5 fucking years and I'm so lost - it feels like.  Or just upset.  It's so slow here I'm just spinning around in my own head.  Anyway - well now some fur came and I can put that out on the floor and pretend like I did something today.  Wow - I'm being so hard on myself and I have worked so hard to be in a better place - I'm so upset.  I can't wait to go to therapy.  Bye Sweet Bluebers.  Ugh.

So tired.

I'm so tired and this jewelry business is so hard and growing very, so, slowly.  Oh.  Oh I don't know what to say - I'm being super hard on myself right now - it's early in the morning.....I just need coffee and to take a shower.  I'm so terrified about money.  I just don't get what's happening right now.  A lot of drama in my head I guess - for starters.  I'm so uncomfortable.  Well - okay - time to pray & meditate and make the most - the best I can of this day.  I missed my doctor's appointment yesterday - I just totally forgot to go.  Then I got a bill for something - oh that fucking mammogram - that I already paid for and the great news is I finally got paid for that movie I worked on last year.  $50.00.  I had to fight for that $50.00.  Love you Blueberry.

New class.

This new class is packed with talent and WOW - there has been a TON of famous people who have studied with this man and won Oscars.  He's a fucking legend this man.  I swear to God though I thought he was having a stroke tonight in class and then I realized he was just going over in his head the piece the guy was working on - hilarious.  I feel so grateful to be in this class.  I feel very shy and uncomfortable.  VERY VERY VERY, VERY uncomfortable.  I had my own giant ego rearing it's head tonight but who cares - it happens and next time I can go back and work from a different place.  It's so crazy because everyone in the class is funny.  Also not everyone works and there is so little ego in the class it's crazy.  One chick wasn't very nice to me on the way out - but - well - women are always like that at first aren't they?  Fuuuuuck her - she will love me in three weeks.  Maybe.  I'm so tired - love you Bluebie bye.

Stress.

I'm in my bed.  My sheets are clean and so are my teeth and my face.  I'm working hard at my job and I'm working hard at the jewelry thing even though I feel like nothing is happening.  I got business cards made and I feel like that alone is so MONUMENTAL I can't even tell you.  I've never been able to do that before.  I just feel sad though because I don't know what I'm doing.  I really - for real this time - have no clue what I'm doing.  Well - okay - I'm working slowly at it - but every day and I'm slowly doing everything else.  Comedy, acting - okay.  I'm so tired.  I just feel like such a mess - and I can not see how any of this is going to work out.  Maybe it won't.  Maybe I will just get a full-time job at Tiffany's and that will be that.  I have to go to sleep - I'm so tired.  I had a full, long day and I went to a meeting and I did the best I could today.  I do feel that's true.  Am I being nice to myself - that's terrifying.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.  ps It's time to grow up.

So much laundry and so little time.

When was the last time I wrote on here?  I don't know - all I know id I haven't done laundry for at least 3 weeks and tomorrow I have no more underwear - or at least not functional underwear.  I only have the weird underwear left - the uncomfortable ones that don't fit right and I'm not sure why I keep them.  There's one pair that I swear gives me a yeast infection every time I wear them because they are loose lace and they bunch in my cooch.  Thank you.  I spent almost 2 hours in Forever 21 today trying on clothes and the whole time I was like - oh I have this already it's in the laundry.  Oh whatever - because I waited so long to do laundry it's too much and I can't even seem to attempt it.  If this is the most difficult problem I have today I dare say I am blessed.  I went to see my parents this weekend and it was so nice on the farm and so nice to spend time with them.  I got to see one of my best friends and take a couple of walks along the river by her house.  I miss the guy so much.  I got to see him Friday night but that was it till Tuesday.  I made a mistake and didn't go to a meeting Wednesday and then because of the class Thursday I couldn't go - Friday I had work and therapy so I couldn't go and on Saturday I tried to go at my parents but the meeting wasn't happening and there were no other meetings that night.  So what's the lesson?  Whenever I hear myself saying "I just don't feel like it" - whatever it is - I BETTER FUCKING DO IT.  Like right now for example.  I don't feel like doing laundry but I better do it.  Self-care.  Jesus - I almost just bought new clothes instead of doing laundry.  UGH.  Why did I just eat 10 chicken wings?  IM GETTING FAT AGAIN BLUEBERRY.  The heat came on - I can smell it.  I guess Summer is really over.  SO BIZARRE.  Even more bizarre is I'm watching the news.  I can NOT hear Ebola one more time - what the fuck?  Wasn't there always Ebola?  That's probably the dumbest thing to say now I have to google it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Day 1864.

I took the class and it was great.  He laughed at my song I did as a monologue (they all did) and the class had tons of great work in it.  It was SO fucking long - 4 hours - and it meets twice a week - but it was great.  I'm so shocked to suddenly be in this different class - it's so great.  He's so funny this new teacher - I had no idea - I'm very excited for that.  Well actually I mean he loves funny.  I was only on stage briefly but it was fine.  I prepared and did my work.  It was so hard to memorize the lyrics to my song as opposed to singing it - isn't that so crazy?  I pushed a little bit during the monologue so that - well - what was great about that - was I stopped.  Yeah.  There was a girl who was super pushing during her "rehearsal" (which is what he calls it when you work onstage) and so I was very sensitive to that.  It's SO tricky to know when it's pushing vs. sitting on the energy.  I mean - pushing vs. getting it out of you because that's what is called for.  Yes.  Okay so I'm not selling too much jewelry but I did already start donating from the profits I have made to an animal rescue so that felt GREAT.  I need to find a permanent one to hook up with - or I don't know - maybe not - although that might be helpful.  That's something to think about.  I have to go to sleep and try to wake up at 6:00 am.  Love you Bluebie bye.

So I got it!

I passed the audition and now I get to be in an even more expensive class.  Holy shit - I was like - what the fuck did I just do?  Okay - so - wow.  I am so tired - I had such a long day - a long, great day.  2 meetings, the audition and I just got back from a show that I actually prepared for.  I did my set the way I wanted but the crowd was paying their checks and that's the worst - no attention then.  But - well it was fun.  I had such a blessed day and I got to get over some hurdles and work hard towards my craft.  I'm so tired - I loooove you Bluebie bye.

Scared.

I'm so scared of this audition that I want to lay down and go to sleep.  Also I feel so totally lost and out of it as far as show business goes anyway - I just feel like I fell off the track when I got drunk and I just can't get back.  Ugh - what do I know?  Or maybe I know and it doesn't matter.  Maybe what is happening is exactly what is supposed to be happening.  Anyway - what else?  I'm scared and I want to lie down - we covered that.  I need to go into the park and get some exercise but I'm stalling because I'm cold and lazy.  I had the nicest weekend again with the guy.  He's just so amazing and kind - what the fuck is that?  Oh we did get into a sort of an argument yesterday but I managed to - whoa - we managed to get past it.  It needed to be spoken of anyway and I did feel like he was taking care of himself - and I was taking care of myself.  Ugh - okay - I better get going before I don't have enough time to get ready and go into the park.  I've been jogging again and somehow getting fatter.  I guess it hasn't caught up with me yet ha.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Audition.

I have an audition on Monday for my teacher's teacher - my acting teacher's teacher.  This is the man I auditioned with who said he didn't have room in his class for me and recommended I study with my teacher.  So.  So I am terrified because if I do get into this class it's a whole new level of work and a whole new level of responsibility and a whole new change to my schedule.  I'm so stressed out.  What am I doing?  I'm so all over the place with different projects and just starting this jewelry business.  Okay but I'm okay I guess.  I already prayed &  meditated, read the big book with my sponsor and wrote in my journal.  I'm going to go to a meeting and then clean my apartment and organize things.  Before I go to the meeting I'm going to do some of my alanon step work.  I'm just really uncomfortable, really scared about money and really worried that I'm doing everything wrong.  Also that dude is smoking up a STORM downstairs but since I filed an official complaint with 311 I feel better.  I mean I feel sick from the smoke right now but I took an action and I will take more.  They sent me an email saying I could complain again if nothing changes.  Yeeash - I feel like I am newly sober again what he fuck.  So uncomfortable and struggling.  Well - at least I'm not hung-over and I'm not going to throw up later AND I am living a life - even if it's totally messy right now.  It's the little things although those are probably big things.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Painogram.

I got a mammogram this morning and it hurt SO FUCKING BAD.  Ha.  I'm saying Ha because a newcomer to AA got all excited when I said I was having one and decided to help me through the process by giving me the COMPLETE rundown of how one goes, how it doesn't hurt - what exactly happens - don't be scared....So I went in there thinking it was just going to be a "tight squish" of my boobs - that's all and OH MY GOD!!!  How the fuck are those women who do porn DOING THAT?  It was laughable so totally painful.  I really am glad I was so relaxed because holy shit.  Anyway - I did it and I went to another doctor's appointment and I'm almost all caught up on doctor's appointments.  I just filled out a job survey for Tiffany's - I applied to a job and then they sent me this questionnaire - I don't know - it took me like 40 minutes to fill it out!  Ugh - I just want a job and health insurance already.  Already?  Well yeah - yes I do.  Holy shit I'm tired.  I went to a meeting, met my acting teacher and worked on an audition for Monday - yeesh - busy day off.  Anyway - sooooo I need to go to therapy now.  Okaaaay - so it's day 1857.  Pretty amazing right?  It's a good day.  Love you Bluebie bye!

Everything has changed....

I'm in my bed and I'm going to sleep so I can wake up early for a mammogram - just the routine you are getting old kind.  I have a boyfriend, I have been writing and performing - omg is this SO BORING to read?  Holy FUCK.  Okay here's something interesting...I used to go bonkers - even a year ago - if I had to travel too far with one person because I could not wait to be alone - I guess I couldn't handle the intimacy.  Or the person - I don't know - I just would feel exhausted - it was easier to be alone.  Tonight I traveled on the local train with this guy because I WANTED to interact with him - on a human level.  WHAT IS THAT?  I couldn't believe it.  I'm so sleepy.  I'm not selling so much jewelry.  I'm wearing tooons of it - not selling so much.  Anyway - so.  I loooove you Bluebie bye.

Ugh.

I have felt so much better lately having decided that my primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.  Then I had the most lovely weekend with the guy - we went to the beach yesterday and made dinner last night - it was glorious and fun - so great.  Today we got and went jogging - okay I jogged a little and he jogged a lot more while I walked.  Then I came back to the city and went to New Jersey to a meeting at my sponsor's sponsor's house.  Oh boy - well it was a long trip - from 1:00 - 7:30 and honestly I wanted to jump out of the car at the Holland Tunnel and walk back to the city?  I felt like there was something wrong with me but the reality is probably everyone else felt that way too.  It was a gorgeous day, the meeting was outside which was amazing, there was lovely snacks and it was GREAT but I just don't know - no I do know - I do.  I'm so alanonic and worried about everyone else and their feelings and fucking BARF on a fucking turd slice.  Holy shit.  It's so confusing.  I mean I am beyond grateful to be sober but honestly I have to figure out how to not be so effected by other people and their stuff - their feelings - I just can't.  I mean who can?  I feel like this antennae that is just like zeroed in on people's reactions and - uncomfortableness and ugh - whatever.  Anyway.  My mind is kind of - I don't know what - fogged.  I will figure it out I guess - I will do the work I need to do in order to not feel this way.  Good night my sweetest Blueb.

Day 1850.

Holy shit - that's a lot of days.  So I have been super busy trying to get my shit together to sell this jewelry line - which has been so totally fun.  I didn't even know I liked jewelry!  It's challenging - I'm a disaster with technology and for the first couple of days I lost my mind being desperate.  Now I have calmed down and I'm just treating it like a game to see if I could possible do this - no pressure - which is a million times better.  I want to be able to have my own shop one day, health insurance, a beautiful - but small and easy to clean home, be able to travel and buy gifts for my family and loved ones, maybe adopt a baby an a dog or 12 that need rescuing - and this will let me see if I could possibly own my own business or not.  Also - I had no idea - 1 how much women (and dudes - gay dudes - or transitioning dudes) love jewelry and 2 - oh wow - I forgot what 2 was.  OH!  That I even like jewelry!  IT's SO fun and can make an outfit COMPLETELY different.  I started wearing the jewelry and people started saying how much better I look.  Well fuck them - I looked fine before but anyway from a research point of view - it's interesting.  So I hosted a show last night which was totally fun and made it to only 20 minutes of a meeting but still - I got there.  I'm meeting a newcomer at a meeting today and then going and getting a mammogram.  I REALLY don't want to but I guess - gross - well I'm getting older and that's what we have to do I guess.  I was supposed to go this morning but I turned off my alarm and fell asleep for 2 more hours.  Ha!  I want to tie my jewelry line up with a charity so I can give back right away.  I just loved my dog and all of my animals throughout my life so much - so I think I'm going to find some sort of rescue and link up with them.  I just want to give back to the Universe somehow.  WOW - I am slow moving today - I need to get to praying & meditating so I can meet this girl at the meeting.  Okay - I love you Bluebie bye!!!

Whelp....

It's hard to write here all the time what with getting laid all the time.  Juuust kidding.  I guess I only need to complain about myself a few times a week.  I went to an alanon meeting tonight and everyone talked about their drinking - that was weird.  I feel better - I had a nice weekend.  I was so tired on Saturday and I had been out all day and I was supposed to get on the train in Harlem and go see the guy - I had my period - I felt so awful and I was surrounded by laundry and I was having a meltdown.  Do you know what he did?  He came and picked me up and then he DID MY LAUNDRY.  I know - I fucking totally know.  It was so fucking nice - I mean there's a washer and drier at his house - but still - STILL.  I was like totally blown away even more but even more than being blown away more - I just appreciated it so much.  So I made him a ceaser salad.  That was nice right?  Well.  So.  Wow - I just got so tired - I was so busy at the store today - which was great. Did I tell you how I'm the only person in my acting class this whole month?  Isn't that so crazy?  Jeez - even a year ago it would have been a dream come true.  But now I am in love with my guy and well - I guess it's great to have the one on one time with a teacher.  Last week he told me his whole workout schedule and - well literally his whole schedule.  Then he told me how he has trouble dating because he doesn't understand women.  I really wanted to say "Why don't you just try LISTENING to them instead of just constantly talking about yourself??"  But you know - he'll figure it out.  I'm working on Shakespeare so that's fun.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Switch.

Well after another horrible day yesterday and feeling really scared about how not well I was - I had a totally cathartic experience at a Natalie Merchant concert last night.  I'm not really even a fan or I wasn't anyway but there was some kind of tectonic shift that happened and I feel SO much better.  First of all as soon as we got there my guy went to the bathroom and while he was in there some man collapsed in front of me.  It was crazy - he was in his 60s and my instinct said it wasn't good so I offered to call 911 which they said not to - there was a nurse in the house.  Okaaay so I waited until it was clear that he was really not fucking okay and then I called - which I will never wait again - but well - finally the medics came and he - well I don't know - it made my thoughts about myself dissipate.  Plus at this point his wife was kind of hysterical - of course and I just was shook up.  So we go to the concert and it was AMAZING.  This gospel singer Corliss Stafford broke my heart wide open and there was this super hot chick drummer.  I don't know - I just sat there crying and listening (and trying not to kill the fucking bizarre woman who was eating popcorn throughout the WHOLE concert like a fucking psycho) and I found myself thinking "WHO GIVES A SHIT?  WHO FUCKING CARES I'M DONE."  But in a really great way.  I can't really explain it - I was just like fuck it - I'm doing everything in a completely different way now - that's it - none of this has worked (I'm not talking about sobriety or the guy) and that's it - I just want to be sober - get my alanon shit together and just do things completely in a different direction - that's it - turn it around and fuck it.  So there you go - love you Bluebie bye.

Responsible Feelings.

Well - so I went to alanon last night and I felt a million times better and re-remembered for the umteenth time how codependent and responsible I feel for other peoples feelings and how angry it makes me.  So okay - good.  This morning I was sitting next to this woman on the subway - well actually she was sort of sitting ON me rather - she got on after me and did that weird sat right next to me even though there are seats all over the place thing and she had this giant bag that was resting on me.  She seemed sad and upset and I really was annoyed.  But I was also worried about her feelings.  I mean she was upset - I hated feeling that and I was also annoyed that her purse was laying all over me.  So when I finally got off the express train to the local I felt so relived to be away from her energy and I just realized how not responsible I am for my own feelings.  I didn't liek the way she felt and I could have gotten up and moved - that simple.  And I'm not repsonsible for that woman's feelings or anyone else's - I'm responsible for my own.  Only I'm not all the time - I'm too worried about other people and what is happening with them and how to navigate aroudn their feelings.  HOLY SHIT THAT SUCKS.  I have pms.  Thank you.  I just realized I need to be responsible for my own feelings - that's it.  Which is terrifying because on some level I feel like I don't matter enough.  Everyone else does.  Gross. Bye.

Pile of Shit.

I feel like a pile of shit.  I just don't feel well.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  I think it's because I need alanon and what I don't understand or at least up until about an hour ago - I didn't understand WHY suddenly I'm so alanonic and fucked up.  I mean I just feel BAD and tired and I can't get anything done.  I was so tired last night that I went to bed at 9:50.  I have no idea why this is writing in italics right now what the fuck.  I really don't.  Um okay well whatever I'm just going to keep writing.  Oh I guess I somehow hit the Italics button????  Okay now I'm flustered.  Anyway so I'm tired and I'm not getting any relief from AA meetings so tonight I am going to an alanon meeting because the other girl who works here asked me to switch my schedule for her - because of her baby blah, blah - husband - blah, blah - etc and I ALMOST HAVE LOST MY MIND OVER IT.  I'm offended she asked and I couldn't for the life of me say no even though my reason for saying no was because I just don't want to - it just feels wrong.  Not for certain days but for the day she asked.  I just reread the email and it is SO manipulative - which I get and I have been.  I don't know - I just feel crazy and out of control with money and I need another job - not to switch this job around more - you know??  I have been upset ALL DAY.  I had one thing I really needed to do here today and it took me all day to do it.  I'm sad I'm such a mess and when the holy mother fuck am I going to get my power back?  I just can't seem to get it.  That being said on Saturday I had the nicest day with the guy.  We went to the movies and made dinner - it was so great - he's so great - so kind and sweet to me.  Patient.  I'm going to call a sponsee.  I don't want to but I'm going to.  Not only am I alanonic I'm so self-centered right now it's unreal.  Or very, very real.  I wanted that to be funny but it's just pathetic.  Love you Bluebie - let's keep moving forward.  What?

Down day.

Why does this keep happening?  I don't feel great today although I was able to wake up, get myself to the doctor, buy my cousin's babies presents and get to a meeting.  Also I ate an egg and cheese from an Upper West Side Jewish deli that was the most delicious and bizarre thing I have ever had.  It was on this giant what I guess was potato roll (it was yellow) with sesame seeds and it and I don't know - it was just delicious.  And expensive - holy fuck.  Anyway - well I'm here in my apartment and I did the dishes and what else?  I was supposed to do a show tonight but I can't get there in time after THERAPY (what omg) and so I had to cancel.  What am I doing?  I was on such an upswing for 2 days.  I had an audition - my hair looked good - ugh.  Now I feel hairy & fat and my hair is a mess.  Also I let them give me a couple of vaccines at the doctor's and it scared the shit out of me.  Here is where I think Alanon stuff kicks in for me.  It's so fucking hard for me to take care of myself - it really is and then I'm so fucking hard on myself.  Also I'm scared about money and I did go buy a play to work on for class on Tuesday.  That didn't make any sense and one thing has nothing to do with the other I am just trying to say that I DID SOMETHING TODAY aaand I am scared about money.  Lord have ever loving mercy I am a mess.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Poem.

It's 3:11
It's 9/11
I hate 9/11.
It makes me so sad.
Everyone forgot about it this year.
I didn't .

I'm up, I'm down, I'm up - I'm down but right now I'm up.

So that's good I guess.  I've just been having a hard time figuring out where to go and money is so totally super tight.  So it's the weirdest thing that I have having SUCH a hard time replacing waitressing.  I mean what did I think - I was going to do it forever?  Maybe - somewhere deep inside me maybe I really thought that.  Well I can't.  I even tried to get a couple of jobs and it hasn't worked out - waitressing that is.  It's just over and it feels like (I'm embarrassed to say) like what happened at the end of my drinking - I couldn't drink anymore and I had no idea what to do so I just had to be really uncomfortable and go into the program.  So now I'm just really uncomfortable and trying new things.  I am applying to jobs and I am reaching out.  Holy shit my neck is so fucking tense right now.  I also just told myself to keep searching and just figure it out.  That's all.  And take showers.  I didn't take a shower yesterday and it was a gloomy day and honestly I got a little suicidal.  I mean not totally just a tinge of why do I exist.  Anyway I spoke at a meeting on Monday night and turned bright red and cried - sexy right?  I also broke out in a rash on my face.  SO - that was good.  Well and it was good - I was of service - whatever that means.  I men it means what it means - I'm just trying not to say it from an ego place. OMG.  Bye.

on my phone

Omg its like i live in the future posting from my phone. Oh this is weird. Going back to the city came to see the guy last night after
work. Went to dinner and woke up and went jogging. Now that im not waitressing i can get in shape for real again. I didnt last very long but it was great. Its a beautiful day. Oh everything just got big for some reason. Well yeah so in love with this guy and going back to the city to be my own person plus i told someone i woukd meet them at a meeting. Omg im sooo hungrh bye. Love you Blubers!!

HI.

WOW.  Okay.  Okay.  OKAY.  Fuck.  FUUUUCK.  This is so crazy - I mean nothing is happening so crazy - I just mean I stayed sober and I made it through my anniversary and I feel better.  I feel better and I am SO GLAD I stayed sober - so glad I am sober.  Whatever - one day at a time and it's almost midnight so there's a whole new day to go in about 35 seconds.  I'm so tired.  I worked today at a different job and I work tomorrow at the store.  I love my guy so much and everyone was so sweet about my anniversary - which I am so grateful to have had and a new day is here.  What?  I don't know.  So - well - I just wanted to write on here so much and I'm so tired - I will write more tomorrow - love you Bluebie bye.

Day 1825.

Yeesh.  Well it's finally September and hopefully once my anniversary happens I will feel a little bit more even.  Balanced?  I don't know.  I just went for a jog/walk in the park and as I entered the park a lady working told me to be careful because a woman got murdered a couple of weeks ago.  Of course I was so upset and then decided I should never exercise again.  Isn't that so awful?  I don't know - I should check to see if that really happened because she was also talking to the squirrels.  Well I still went through the park - it's a holiday - tons of people and I've also been in the park early in the morning and there were tons of people - I mean TONS - so I don't know - but again of course it was upsetting.  I had such a nice weekend with the guy - we went to see my parents, went to my brother's birthday party - went to a picnic yesterday.  Then we got in an argument in the car - ugh - I just really can't fucking stand that he is married sometimes and it gets to me - that's it.  That's actually not just it - I have jealousy problems and insecurities and UGH - I don't know - I asked a question - he answered - I got upset.  He did answer in a douche way though - he really did.  OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING??  He is such a great guy.  Okay - whatever.  Went to a meeting last night - hosted a show, came home and got a decent night's sleep - he slept over and I woke up and prayed and meditated and got myself jogging in the park.  It is completely nerve wracking to have all this time off but then again - I was so exhausted.  Okay - it's going to be okay.  I FEEL WEIRD NOT WORKING ON LABOR DAY.  I'm going to a meeting later and I'm going to go get some groceries and get myself together here in my apartment - do some cleaning and make some phone calls.  Oh sigh - I just feel crazy that's all.  Well at least now I know what to do I guess.  It makes me sad but I suppose I would feel worse if I didn't know what to do.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Day 1822.

I am so tired lately but - well - I think I'm healing or something.  Anyway I have noticed how much my mind turns to being a victim - I know I've written about this before - but I really recognize it lately.  I see my mind doing it on the subway (I'm a victim of someone chewing - which is annoying but okay I'm no their victim), at the store (someone asks me for a lot of things and leaves the store a mess - again annoying but that's my JOB), ohhhhh and someone not holding the door for me someplace (WHAT is THAT - am I the princess of the fucking world or something???).  So anyway - holy shit I just prayed and meditated and I cried the whole time.  I feel so - like I'm breaking open and healing at the same time - it is so fucking bizarre.  Anyway I have to go to my meeting so I can continue to do my 5 things for this day.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Well - so the boring tale goes.......

or perhaps not so boring.  Maybe just right now it's boring.  Maybe right now it is BRILLIANTLY BORING and that is just fine.  I was so depressed the last couple of days it was unreal.  It occurred to me that I really am an alcoholic and suddenly that seems so overwhelming - or not - I don't know.  I guess I'm just shocked.  The good part is that if I ever decide to wonder if I'm not one I can just go back and read some of this blog from less then a year into my sobriety and see how truly batshit crazy I was - for proof.  I think I feel like I might be coming out of it a little bit now.  I don't have enough work or money but oh well.  I am not waitressing and I guess as slowly as my sobriety from drugs and alcohol came to me - that's how slowly my sobriety from waitressing will be.  I had no idea it would be so hard!  What am I even talking about?  I need more money and I have no idea what I'm doing.  I got wicked blisters on my feet which of one is now infected (in the most interesting and revolting way) from the shoes I wore to that interview on Monday and I can't seem to take care of myself anymore.  I didn't take a shower today and that's the second time this week I have done that (ha).  I can't seem to get out of bed.  My sheets turn into the most comfortable, soft, luxurious pieces of fabric - as soon as my alarm goes off.  It's like a magic switch.  Well anyway.  I don't know.  I keep going to meetings, calling people, taking phone calls - reaching out and calling my sponsor.  So.  Oh and the 5 things in general.  OKAY GOTTA GO DO SOMETHING - love you Bluebie bye.

BloatED.

Like a boat.  I look like a bloated boat.  Or like a woman who is 4-6 months pregnant.  I feel so gross.  I got my period yesterday and I could barely move.  I went on the interview today and it was okay but he told me to come back and explore the store and really see if I want to work there.  Then I went to work and it was SO SLOW and boring I almost lost my mind.  I mean I really felt fucking INSANE by the time I left.  I feel so fearful.  I need another job and for the life of me - how can I be so bored and when I think of waitressing I can't even move?   I feel so - STUCK.  NO - slow.  I just feel slow.  Oh WOW - the money was so confusing for the job.  Okay - look - my anniversary is next week and then hopefully I will feel better.  It's so crazy - I love him so much - I'm so in love with him and now I hate him because he took me on vacation and I have no money.  WHAT?  He paid for SO MUCH of it and would have paid for everything if I let him.  Okay - I feel like a spoiled brat.  I'm so lucky that I have sobriety.  I'm so lucky that I have a job where I get to be bored.  I'm so lucky to be FAT.  What?  Well I am.  Love you Bluebie bye.  ps I feel fucking CRAZY.

Suddenly stressed.

Okay I have a job interview Monday morning and I am FLIPPING out about it.  My friend told me I need to look AMAZING and - what the fuck is THAT??  Amazing?  I can look CREATIVE!?  How about that?   Jesus - okay - well anyway - I went to a meeting this morning and went shopping - which I can not afford to do but I needed to get something if I was going to look amazing.  I bought a cute dress, a purse and some sensible (barf) heels.  I'm really not sure about the shoes or even who I am.  What the fuck am I doing?  I just want a job and I want health insurance and I want to take care of myself.  Am I aiming too high?  Am I aiming in the right direction even?  I have no idea - I really don't.  Well anyway - I'm going to keep trying to get a real job and that's that.  I love you and I'm going to speak at a meeting now I'm no just a completely vacuous shopper.  WOW - I need to get my period I am out of my MIND.  Bye.

Hiiiiiiiii!

WELL - I am back from my vacation and it was UNREAL.  We got along so well and had so much fun and such a nice time.  I slept SO much and ate tons of yummy food.  Sounds great right?  We saw my sisters and went surfing (I almost died), snorkeled (with sea lions - for real!!), went to meetings and had lots of sex (WHO WOULDN'T???).  We drove down the Pacific Coast Highway and went to my birthplace where I felt nothing (that was weird).  Yesterday I was so sad to be back it was unreal but I went to my dance class last night and felt tons better.  Today I feel better again.  Anyway - well - now it's slow here at the store but I'm just enjoying it till the Fall stuff starts to come in.  Actually I can look for another job.  I have been trying to get more acting work but it's not happening.  I guess it's just not meant to happen which makes me so sad but - well - I don't know.  Everything happens for a reason right?  Barf.  Soooooo - okay I love you Bluebie and I missed you!!  Bye.

5 things.

I heard at a meeting over the weekend that there's 5 things that every recovering alcoholic/addict should do everyday.  I mean I guess I may have heard this over the last 5 years but I never "heard" it.  So - here they are.  1. Ask for help. 2. Call your sponsor. 3. Talk to another alcoholic. 4. Go to a meeting. 5. Say thank you.  Pretty simple right?  How could I have never heard that?  Did I already write abou this?  Is anyone listening?  I'm losing my mind about this trip and it is SO FUCKING boring at this store that all I have is time to worry about it.  BARF.  My shoulders are up around my ears - streeesss.  I guess drining more coffee isn't the solution but I'm DOING IT ANYWAY> AHHHhhhhhhAAHHHahahahaha.  Bye.

Cunts.

I hate cunts.

Sad.

I woke up kind of depressed and then it really hasn't gotten much better but also it hasn't gotten worse.  I don't know if it's the 5 years thing - supposedly reaching 5 years of sobriety is a tough one - or if it's - what?  I have no idea.  I miss my dog - I miss my acting class - oh my God - ugh.  What else?  I just feel lost - I don't know what I'm dong or where I'm going.  Well I know I'm going on vacation on Saturday and for that I am so grateful and super excited.  I just physically feel so fucking sad.  Well I felt like this this morning and I went for a walk and got a piece of pizza and I felt SO much better.  I think I'm going to go get a tea.  And some chocolate.  I have a wicked pimple on my forehead.  Bye.

Well.....

I'm home - it's 11:28 p.m. on a Sunday and I just toasted some walnuts with honey and cinnamon for my yogurt and I also toasted some pepitas (pumpkin seeds) for I don't know what.  I want to make some sort of snack for myself with them.  I just washed my face and I have on pajamas.  I had a really nice day - I woke up after a nice long sleep at the guy's house and I made us breakfast and I talked to my alanon sponsor.  We hung out (you know - hung OUT - what?) and then I came back to the city, went to an alanon meeting and went to an aa meeting.  I went to Whole Foods and bought apples and cashews and came home.  Oh I got some yummy brown rice shrimp rolls from there too.  I didn't get booked for any comedy this week and I was going to go on an audition but it was cancelled.  Ugh - so.  So I'm just here living in my life.  Which is wonderful right?  I just wish I was making more money and - well - I don't know - performing more - but I guess I'm not meant to be right now.  SO that's okay.  I'm just trying to take care of myself and be a loving, kind person.  Which works as long as I don't sit next to someone eating on the subway.  I can NOT help it - when someone is eating next to me - I will stare at them till they stop.  WHICH NEVER HAPPENS.  They never stop and most of the time they don't care that I'm staring.  God help me if I could just stop doing that I would think I could do anything.  Love you Bluebie - bye :)

Oh my God - I'm NUTS.

I am basically freaking out - holy fuck.  I am suddenly thinking that it is so fucking crazy that I am going across country with this man.  I don't know - or I am just scared to travel or scared to move forward or just scared.  I am at the store - I was so fucking late today - there were no trains - I had to take the bus then get on the train and then I was so lost in my book that I went 5 stops past my stop.  What even is that???  I had to take the bus downtown to the local train - which I think went express to the uptown local - to the crosstown bus.  WHAAAATTTT???  Oh my God - and now I'm here and I was an hour late - which is probably a miracle considering how I had to get here.  They asked me to waitress tonight someplace and I already have plans to go see my guy so I can't but I was so tempted to say yes - or to say I would do it in the future.  I didn't though.  I can't believe how hard it is to even get away from the mindset of it.  Oh boy.  Also - what am I doing with my life?  I'm really suddenly very lost and confused.  I mean that's what people think of me as - as a waitress.  He's not asking me to do comedy - he's asking me to waitress.  Ugh - and I could do it and I would be good at it.  I don't know that about comedy.  OR DO I???  Oh Dear LORD.  Also I just feel - lonely?  Okay - some lady just came in and was so annoying I wanted to kill her.  I really need to do something but what?  Gotta go love you Bluebie bye.

Stats.

Went to another skin doctor today - turns out the drunk one was right.  Well there you go on that one.  Got a mani/pedi, went  to a meeting - saw my sponsee, went and dropped off my resume at a couple of stores, looked at some other stores, bought a used t-shirt, went to therapy, bought some make-up from Rite-Aid - finally came home.  One thing that is different now that I'm sober and being more conscientious   is that I use all of stuff.  I ate the whole entire jar of blueberry jam I bought.  I usually eat some and eventually it goes bad.  I used ALL of the face powder I bought this time.  I actually usually use all of my make-up.  But I'm so much better with food - eating it all and not wasting it.  How have I not written her since Tuesday??  I trained another girl a the store on Wednesday and Thursday was busy.  I also have started - well - 2 other blogs now but it will just be one.  I'm so freaked out that we are going to California together for 9 days.  Holy shit how scary is that???  Oh my GOD.  Okay - well - fuuuuck.  I'm also super fucking excited.  Gotta fix my hair love you Bluebie bye.

Still the same grumpy me.

Sooooooooooooo now I'm not a waitress anymore and I'm still grumpy - still feel uncomfortable in my body - blah blah blah.  It's so weird - it's like when I moved out of the bed & breakfast and realized I brought myself with me - mostly my rage.  I for sure have less of that and I do physically on a lot of levels feel SO MUCH better not waitressing.  But there is a discomfort inside me - which I guess can only be solved by God. The program.  Yeah.  So. Sigh.  I just can't figure out how to balance it all - exercise, clean clothes - clean house - clean soul.  It's all so much WORK and I get so DISTRACTED taking pictures of myself.  Okay - it's only another month and a half before I have my anniversary and then I think things will shift.  I think I might need some chocolate.  OH BOY - well these seem like such blessed complaints that I am making - right?  I'm so happy to be sober - I feel so grateful.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Drunk skin doctor.

I went to the dermatologist today and after waiting an hour they called me and she was waaaaaasted.  Drunk.  Reeked of alcohol, was slurring - looked - awful.  I mean just like someone who was drunk - but not like all sloppy and funny - just her face looked strange and puffy  and she was talking oddly - drunk.  She gave me a "Clean bill of health!"  That's what she yelled as I walked out the door.  Everyone working around her looked odd also - so they all must know.  I mean I told her I had spots all over me and she didn't even look at all of them and didn't come within 4 feet of me.  Why would she?  I wasn't sure if I was supposed to say something??  "Clean bill of health!!"  How many times was I drinking at work???  SO MANY - almost EVERYTIME.  No I wasn't a doctor but still.  Ugh - it's so annoying and confusing.  At least I got my period finally.  Love you Bluebie bye.

1784.

What a weird thing we do - count our days of sobriety.  Well it really is like I was reborn so there you go - now I'm 1784 days.  It's sunny out today and the store has been busy so that's good.  I started a new blog - one where I won't be talking about sobriety.  Does anyone have 2 fucking blogs where they talk about that - dear GOD.  Anyway - so I have a customer in here and she's verrry tall.  The owner is tiny and she buys tiny clothes - so whenever tall or big people come in here - it's strange.  Ugh - anyway - well that's not the worst problem is it??  She just left.  She was gorgeous too - and she looked WAY confident - I guess she's totally fine with being tall!  We are going to see a show tonight and I danced last night and met a sponsee at a meeting.  I'm just trying to stay focused on myself so I don't lose myself in the guy.  But I can't wait to see him tonight!!!  Okay - I threw around a bunch of stuff upstairs looking for the right size for someone so I need to fix it.  Love you BLUEBIE!!  Bye.

Poem.

She told me not to eat egg salad
And then I cried
I went to sleep for a long time
Listen I'm fine
and if she wants to tell me not to eat egg salad
then I can say fine "I won't eat egg salad"
and then EAT IT ANYWAY.
Bye.

Captain's Log 7/20/14. Day 1780.

I'm sleepy right now and I have decided that this blog is now a science experiment of how I am doing in sobriety.  What was it before - I have no idea and I'm sure I will forget this or change my mind.  OR not - I might not change my mind at all and just keep making Captain's Log entries on here about my voyage through sobriety.  HA - whoa.  I woke up at 6:30 this morning at the guy's house - we spent the weekend together - went to this gorgeous Shakespeare in The Park play and then went to the beach yesterday.  I left this morning to meet my sponsor and her sponsor and some other sober "family" members at this meeting.  It was great and then I came back and talked to my alanon sponsor.  We had a hard talk this weekend - me and the guy - about his - ugh - wife - and WOW - this is hard to write about.....about their interactions (which are awful) and how it makes me feel and him feel - etc. and then we didn't have sex and went to bed.  For me this was like a fucking MILESTONE in recovery.  I mean in the past I would have had sex - been filled with rage - or with held sex in a really unhealthy way - and as far as how I felt I would have waited until I was SO ENRAGED that I would have just lost it.  You know I can't even believe how uncomfortable it makes me just to WRITE that.  It's so crazy.  I mean the part about what I would have done in the past.  It made me feel even closer to him - okay - whatever - blah blah - but I need to keep being my own person so I got up today and left so I am taking care of myself and my programs.  Holy shit I need to lay down.  Love you Bluebie bye.

The Diamond Cutter.

I'm shaking because I'm so hungry.  I woke up late and didn't bring food with me because I thought I wouldn't be hungry because I had this huge rice bowl yesterday that I kept burping up during my dance class.  Meanwhile I have never in my life not been hungry past 10:00 in the morning if I have woken up a couple of hours before that.  What even is that?  It's like thinking I won't be tired at 2:00 in the morning because I'm not tired at 10:00 at night.  Oh my God - the food came and it was wrong.  HA.  Okay now I'm waiting for the right food - I would never do that normally but it has like 27 pieces of tomato on it and I couldn't even take it off the sandwich.  ANYWAY.  Well it's good I took care of myself for once - usually I never say anything.  Okay - back to the Diamond Cutter.  I've been practicing the Diamond Cutter principal which is that in order to get - one needs to give and give from a loving place.  So if I want to make money performing - I need to give money to performers and also support their performing emotionally.  So last night (this is my favorite example so far and even if nothing comes from it - it is an example of me being kind just for the joy of being kind - which normally I am kind for some other reason - great and right - exactly) I took the train home and these 2 older men get on - one of them with a keyboard around his neck and then they start singing that song "All my life - I pray for someone like you..." - right?  They were singing in harmony and the fact that he was plying a keyboard that was slung around his neck - I just LOVED it.  I didn't have any money - I had given my last dollar in change to the basket at the meeting I went to and I REALLY wanted to give them money and then I remembered a 2 dollar bill I had in my wallet since I left that restaurant - you know - my lucky 2 dollar bill that I would never use?  And I was like fuck it - I'm giving it to them - they made me so happy and they sounded so good - so I dug it out of the side of my wallet and gave it to them.  AND IT FELT SO GOOD.  Oh my fucking God - I am going to die where is my sandwich????  So I'm going to keep Diamond Cuttering it and eat breakfast regularly.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Hey.

I'm at the store.  Sometimes I can't even believe people.  They try things on - it looks amazing on them and they they tell me ALL these reasons why it won't work for them and then they leave and just as they open the door they say "Oh - well - I'm so disappointed but oh well."  UM ME TOO.  How weird is that?  Then other women come in - stuff themselves in a dress that doesn't fit - I tell them - "I think maybe it looks a little tight?" and then they buy that shit and leave happy as pie.  So bizarre - half the time I don't feel like I'm selling clothes at all.  Anyway - I'm here and I queer.  What?  Oh man - okay - I don't have much to report.  Love the guy more & more and keep trying to work my programs more & more and slowly move forward art wise.  Love your blogging face Bluebie bye.

Lovely weekend.

Had such a nice weekend with the guy - went to the beach, ate food - laughed.  I was so sleepy I thought I was going to sleep for 3 weeks yesterday.  I'm still recovering from those insane brunches I think.  Oh I just got a salad delivered so I'm going to make this brief.  I'm so - what?  Slow - everything is so slow.  I feel like there must be some in between working like a dog and being insane and being so slow I can't stay awake - right?  Today at the store is slow, outside is slow.....I just need to get creative again.  Which I will do right after this salad.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

I had the day off!

I got my cable fixed, prayed & meditated, went to the doctor, came home and went for a walk in the park,did some yoga - meditated again and then I had tea and now I'm having coffee, wrote in my journal and now I'm writing a run-on sentence on here.  I forgot that I ever had days like this!!!  All I did for so long was work - holy shit - so it has been so nice to have a real day off.  I was thinking about writing murder mystery erotica so I just did some research but it was all dumb.  Or I don't know - it didn't even turn me on reading about it - hahahaaa - not that murder would turn me on bu the erotica part.  Oh GOD - now I'm back to who the fuck am I and what am I doing???  I suppose me writing mystery erotica would help the world somehow right??  Gotta goooo Bluebers - love you bye.

Mnd blown.

Just read about Buddhism and trust issues.  I have trust issues (I know gross - that I have them and that I'm even writing about this).  WELL - turns out what  thought was trust - isn't.  My form of trust is staring, calling, watching, freaking out and clinging - while the person is a human being and going to fuck up anyway.  Well - this is sort of what the Buddhist thing I read said - and this is what everyone keeps trying to tell me....Universal Trust - knowing that everything will be okay if I stay present, act with integrity and live with my own personal trust.  I'm probably not saying it right.  Trust isn't one person or one thing - it's bigger than that.  My mind is so blown right now ad it's also so fucking freeing.  I'm next to positive I will freak out again in the next 4 hours but at least I have an awareness of some other way of existing.  K love you bye.

I'm in a panic.

That's just all there is to it.  I think I am just - well - I have no idea - I keep feeling panicked about his guy and I have no idea why.  Am I sensing something?  Am I just flared up with my trust issues and if I don't hear from him every 2 minutes I freak out?  Probably yes on some level for a lot of it.  This is where I am supposed to focus on myself, breathe - love myself - be of service to others.  It's 11:11 - let's make a wish.....Okay - also there was a lot of cigarette smoke this morning - I probably feel a little toxic.  Well - you know - I need to go to the bank - why don't I go for a walk and take care of myself.  I guess I'm getting sober in a relationship way but this feels so hard - so impossible.  I feel so crazy and - okay - well - I don't suppose sitting here and thinking about it more is going to help.  It's quiet at the store today so why don't I just take care of myself.  Love you Bluebie bye.  ps I'm finishing reading The Diamond Cutter and it's MIND BLOWING.

Lots of work.

After lots of talking and phone calls and not reacting to my feelings I am better today - although super bloated from the weekend of steak and cheese.  Ugh.  I'm listening to an alanon meeting. 
I don't know - I just feel so grateful that I am in these programs - I really am.  I just want to keep growing and being kinder to myself and others.  I started to practice benevolence and I put it into my meditation this morning.  So.  One day at a time - how amazing how long these days are!!  I mean yesterday I went to an eye appointment, worked (went to work before the appointment), went to a meeting, saw the guy, grocery shopped and what else?   I don't know.  I mean it is mind blowing to me that I do things.  Have a day you know?  Amazing.  He is such a nice, sweet man.  I feel so grateful for him.  Man - I am so fucking bloated.  OKAY I LOVE YOU BYE.

Tense.

Called my friend and asked her what was going on with me.  She said if I'm not okay with me - I'm not okay with this relationship.  What?  I mean - if 'm taking care of myself the whole time I will be okay and if I'm not - no matter what is happening with him - I won't be okay.  Alright I can not think about myself for one more second - holy fucking selfish fuckballs.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Long slow recovery.

This relationship is an amazing opportunity for all my issues to come up and for me to slow the fuck down and just keep recovering - while they do.  I mean holy SHIT FUCKING BALLS.  I tried to make that one word and it autocorrected it into 3.  What the fuck?  Well anyway - the weekend at my parents and with my family was so nice - they were nice - he was nice - no meltdowns and we went to meetings everyday.  I waited until last night when we got back to be an a-hole and then I felt sick all day about it.  Here's the thing though.  I called people.  I talked to ladies and then I went to a meeting tonight as soon as I got back into my neighborhood.  I went and got soda water afterwards and then talked to another lady.  It feels good to be back in my apartment and - well - what am I suppose to suddenly not have all the issues I've had my whole life in relationships?  And - well - what the fuck - even people that aren't drunks and drug addicts have issues when they get closer to people.  Whatever - my real point is that I am having a long, slow recovery - haha - nothing is happening overnight and I'm glad.  I'm really fucking glad.  Now I'm going to sleep because I am so fucking tired - I could not sleep last night at his house.  I was upset and mad and taking drama to a whole new level.  Actually I was taking HIS feeling and HIS experience to a whole new level.  What the fuck is that?  Okay - well - I'm not sure if I'm making any sense but amen.  Love you Bluebie. ps I also apologized for not being nice and kind to him - twice.  Barf I'm embarrassed.

Hi!

I'm at work and it's super slow.  I think everyone is gone for the fourth already.  It's okay - I'm taking care of myself.  I went to therapy last night after a meeting so I was really taking care of myself.  Guess what I learned in therapy?  I have low self-esteem.  Ha.  Well - anyway - but she said I was doing things from an unconscious place to not take care of myself and now I can bring it into my conscious awareness and not do these things anymore.  OKAAAAAY.  NO PROBLEM.  Done and DONE.  Yeesh.  What do other people do with their time besides all this endless searching?  I guess have kids.  Well I would still need to do this even with kids and even MORE so with kids I'm sure.  So the next layer of my onion is self-care and self-acceptance.  Holy fuck it's unreal how uncomfortable that makes me.  Unreal.  Well - alright - fucking barf - isn't that what everyone is striving for or dare I say some people just do naturally?  I'm bringing the guy to meet my family this weekend.  Well - well I guess I am just taking a chance that's all.  So fucking scary.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

So confused.

I'm not feeling great - my body is all fucked up - it smells like something died in my ass - I mean it's so gross- I'm very stressed out.  Haha - oh GOD - what do I write these things for?  I just don't understand how I can turn into SUCH a psycho when I get my period?  Okay - well - you know - I guess it's just what happens and I'm human and I am doing the best I can.  I really am.  I need to keep focused on myself, my self-care and working these programs and taking care of my art.  Slowly - a little bit everyday.  Focus on love - that's it.  Oh - it's so scary and I am so sick of being afraid.  Oh well - and you know - I'm still so happy to be sober - even f feeling all of this is so - RAW.  It just leaves me RAW.  But it's okay - oh boy.  Alright - well - it's okay.  Love you Bluebie bye.

How is it almost Tuesday now?

I'm sitting here on my purple sagging couch - loveseat?  It's really a loveseat - anyway - I'm sitting on it and I just finished buying tickets to see a show for the guy for his birthday.  That's what he wanted.  I was in a PANIC today.  I got up late - didn't shower - thought that would be okay (it's never okay) and then after a long day of craziness I realized I didn't take a shower YESTERDAY because I took an early train to see my family and OH MY GOD I was so crazy today.  I just can't think straight with 3 pounds of dirty hair on my head.  No wonder people went fucking crazy in the dark ages - they all needed to wash their hair.  Fuck.  So anyway - after I finally went to a meeting I felt better.  The guy and I got into this - well - you can only imagine - or maybe you don't want to.  Here's the thing - I have all these tools now and all these programs tell me to take care of myself and that it's OKAY to take care of myself and sometimes I just forget - that's all.  Who fucking cares?  So it was a hard day - it was also a great day - I stayed sober and I talked to kind, good people who are also working on themselves and I didn't shit myself.  So see - it was a great day.  I had such a nice time with my family and I got to visit my little dog's grave.  Oh heartache.  Anyway - I have work tomorrow, a big meeting and I'm hosting a show - so I need to get myself to sleep to get my shit together and have a brand new day tomorrow.  One that I will be showered in.  Love you Bluebie - bye.

Okaaay.

Well - well so I went home last night and made myself dinner and watched some shows, wrote a little bit and went to bed so early.  I had no idea I was supposed to get my period today.  I have been so stressed about money and I can tell she won't come in today and pay me and oh well.  I'm fed, my bills are paid - I'm okay.  Here's the thing - I'm having a total panic about not waitressing but it's just going to have to happen and if it's this hard - me continuing to do - waitressing - it would only get harder to stop.  What am I talking about?  Changing my life patterns.  Okay I'm so sleepy - holy shit.  Okay - well - Jesus - time has slowed down.  This is what getting sober felt like.  I am so - okay - I am going to make some phone calls and try to help some people and stop thinking about myself.  So I made a change and now I'm uncomfortable - that's OKAY.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye. ps WHO HAS TO GET SOBER FROM NOT WAITRESSING??  What the fuck.

Intention.

I had class last night - the last one of the summer - my acting class and it was amazing.  I did the work - put myself in this costume so I looked like the character - it was so much fun - I was this fat old miserable lady - SO fun.  Okay so whatever.  Here's my point.  I intended to do a good job from a good hard working place.  Fine.  It has occurred to me today that so many of the things I do - even if they are kind things are done from an ill-intentioned place.  So I'm reading this book The Diamond Cutter and he says that it's so much more powerful (if I'm understanding him correctly) to do something small from a kind, gracious place - than to do something big from a kind, guilty manipulative place.  Oh my fucking God - I am so stressed out.  My shoulders are up around my ears.  She hasn't paid me for the extra days I have worked here and I am out of cash and I shit myself a little today.  I have been running around this store in a dress with no panties on.  You really don't know stress until you have on no panties because you ate a bad fish wrap and have to climb up and down stairs to find sizes for ladies who are impatiently waiting and staring at you.  I guess I could have on no panties because I want to.  What about this is positive?  I didn't shit on a customer or in front of one.  Imagine if I shit myself with a customer here and I would have to be like "Oh my God - I'm so sorry - I know you have to go get your hair straightened, meet the workmen at your house and pick up your stuff at Bergdorf for your 3 months in the Hamptons and you need to rush try on these 35 things but I shit myself so I'm going to have to ask you to leave and come back later."  OH I WOULD FUCKING LOVE THAT SO MUCH.  Let's say.  Whatever.  I guess I still have some things to iron out.  And I guess working from a place of being well-intentioned and thinking positive is way to start.  AWESOME BYE.

Finally grateful after a long day of misery.

Do you know I had a hard day - I mean so what?  I just felt CRAZY.  I had wicked pms (I still do but I walked and walked and walked and I feel so much better).  Also - whatever I just had a hard day.  Then I kept telling myself it would change and it did.  I took phone calls and went to a meeting - went to my rehearsal after work.  I think a huge part of it is having withdrawal from the waitressing.  It's like when I moved in here and I felt so completely fucking crazy - not being at the bed and breakfast.  I mean I really felt like I was going through withdrawals this morning.  No psycho weekend - no instant cash - no drama to heal from or blame my craziness on.  Yeesh.  Then I finally got home and took some vitamins and felt so grateful to be here - to have this apartment to come home to.  I ate some hummus - put on pajamas - holy fuck - are you kidding me - that's amazing.  I really was freaking out about the guy a little bit also - but it didn't make sense so I just didn't call him - told myself everything would shift and change and it did.  Now I am so completely exhausted.  Someone actually asked me to work for them this weekend at that restaurant!!  I told them I don't work there anymore and then they told me to go fuck myself.  What even is that??  Can someone even do that?  Well I guess so.  I'm worried about money - of course.  But I am okay.  Big sigh.  Okay love you Bluebie bye!!  ps Can you even believe how long it has taken for me to stop waitressing?