Monday, December 31, 2012

Hiiii,,,,

2013 is almost here!!  What a year - holy fuck.  I am getting ready to go meet him to run errands and see a movie.  That's fun right?  He really makes me laugh.  I can't write anymore about that.  Weird is all.  I told him my therapist said I was emotionally stable and it just occurred to me how INSANE that sounds.  I was  bragging that my THERAPIST said I was emotionally stable.  Whoa.  Weird.  Ha.  Okay - let's do this day mother fuckers.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!  Happy 2013 :):)

Sunday, December 30, 2012

I'm sitting here.....

waiting for the boy to show up.  The boy who is a man.  He got called into work in the middle of our date.  I came back here and tried to put up these shelves I bought weeks ago and they fell down.  The wall is a mess and has a lot of holes in it so I stopped.  I cleaned everything up and I decided to try again never to put those shelves up.  They are cute.  Cute and dangerous - it hurt when they fell on me.  I could NOT work anymore tonight - I was happy to be here.  This week was crazy between working both jobs and Christmas.  I feel like I am going to cry right now.  I am so confused.  What am I doing?  Is this crazy with this guy?  Why am I waiting for him?  Because I like him but I want to lay down.  I did lay down.  I laid down and slept for a couple of minutes and then I went upside down and did some mild meditation mixed with obsession.  I love this laptop.  It's on my lap.  I'm just exhausted.  I should play my ukulele.  Can you believe it someone else here fucking smokes.  It's not as bad.  How is this so boring?  How am I waiting for someone?  I'm so happy to be home.  It's quiet, I did all my laundry, the dishes are done, the bathroom is clean.  I cleaned the humidifier and that is going with essential oils in it.  THIS IS SO BORING.  I'm scared and bored.  Oh that made me laugh.  Scared and bored.  That's some sexy shit right there - some seriously hot, sexy shit.  The dog just fell out of her bed and it's a half inch off the ground.  I just want to have kind, mind blowing sex.  That's all.  I'm fighting a cold and insanity.  WHAT AM I DOING???  Bye Bluebie - I love you and I miss you.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Look at me.....

Shut the fuck up I am typing on my laptop and I figured out how to make it wireless.  Hold on - I'm going to go in the bedroom and see if this works.  Holy shit!!  Wait - I'm just typing - that doesn't mean the connection is working.  THIS IS SO FUN!!!  I'm wireless!!  I am getting rid of the computer that I bought with my ex-husband!!  That's sad.  It was a sad thing.  Another sad thing happened.  A woman I used to work for died.  She was an alcoholic like me and when I met her she was sober and then she relapsed.  It's so so so sad.  I found out at work last night and I really was so upset all day today - especially because I didn't get to pay my respects.  I loved her.  I want to get in touch with her son - he must be devastated.  Ugh - this day was tricky.  I went Christmas shopping and really - why would I wait until December 23rd in New York fucking City to go Christmas shopping?  Yeesh - it was insane everywhere!  The trains, the streets - everything.  I did it though and I got myself to my meeting in midtown which was also insane.  I want to do comedy again.  I miss it so much it's heartbreaking.  I'm such an emotional mess.  There was no heat when I woke up today and it was okay - it's not to cold.  I prayed & meditated - did all my things and then got all naked and went to turn on the hot water and realized that if there was no HEAT then there was no HOT WATER.  Fuck - I reaaaaally need a shower now.  A shower, some yoga and I need to do more stuff for this computer including the warranty and I need a case for it.  What?  I also need to put up these shelves and organize a bunch of shit - papers and that stuff over there on the counter.  This is so boring.  I don't know - I'm a wreck.  I love you Bluebie.  If I wasn't sober I wouldn't know you.  Bye for now.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Thursday.

I did my hair, toes and nails last night at home and it was amazing.  I still haven't gotten enough sleep and I'm overstimulated but it's ok.  I'm at work - so that's good.  I feel poetic - maybe it's all the Christmas songs......

When I was Young we waited at the top of the stairs till we were allowed to come down.....

I always wondered what my parents were doing.....

Now I realize they were just avoiding us.  And perhaps drinking.

Who can blame them???

5 fucking kids at Christmas????

I really love my family

Despite what it seems like from this poem.

p.s.  I love you.

BYE BLUEBIE!!!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Holy Emotional Untangledness......

Um - what?  I'm so emotional today and yet - somehow - I feel more untangled.  I really do.  I still feel the tangle - but it's less - all this work I do everyday is starting to slowly untangle the tangle.  Let's see - the owner came in and then a bunch of ladies and now it's 2 hours later.  I just realized I'm a wreck today.  I haven't gotten enough sleep for a week.  I only got 5 and a bit last night and that doesn't really work well for me.  There is someone else in here.  I miss writing on you.  There is shit everywhere in here and shit everywhere in my house.  I have serious cleaning to do and I'm working 2 doubles in a row and then once on Saturday - plus class Friday.  This is so boring but I LOVE YOU BLUEBERS!!!  Bye. 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Sexy torture.....

and not in the s&m (S&M?) kind of way.  I spent time with him last night and it was fun - he's funny - we wrote - it was enjoyable.  He walked me home and I didn't let him inside even though I REALLY wanted to.  I found myself getting jealous - the same way I used to with other men.  Looking at these other women who have something I don't have that he might like better.  Isn't that so sad and awful?  It's so unkind to myself.  Today - on the way to work - all the pretty, dark haired, or blonde straight haired, young women with lip gloss - all of them - I was like - "Oh - oh there she is - that's for him."  WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK IS THAT?  Okay - what I really think is happening is that I need to let this up and out - I need to iron it out.  It has so much to do with self-acceptance and kindness towards my self.  He was so sweet to me and he was so nice about leaving.  He did ask me 25 times if I was sure I wanted him to but still - he left and was not - mean.  Sweet - he was sweet.  I'm incredible uncomfortable.  I think I should just become someone else and then this will all be fine.  BUT I LIKE ME NOW.  Holy fuck - this is really hard.  REALLY HARD.  He's so hot - he's really sexy - that was not EASY AT ALL to send him away.  When am I going to start laughing - I'm nuts.  Why do I suddenly care about other women?  It seems like it's about something else.  Okay - Bluebie - I love you.  Don't worry - there will be plenty more low-key emotional drama involving only myself.  CHRIST!  Bye - love you. ps Did I mention I have PMS??  Yes!! YES!!!!  FUCK YES!!!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Wednesday is as good a day to suffer as any....

LOL??  Well - so - yesterday was the anniversary of the terrible thing and it was such a sad day.  Do you know I didn't even know it was the day - I just started crying while I was drinking my coffee and I had no idea why.  Then I was talking to my mother and she - I had to ask her when it was and she said "today."  Isn't that crazy?  I had no idea but I knew.  My psychic powers are all in my body.  WHAT?  Okay - well at least that made me laugh a little.  I'm still sad today and my class was amazing last night - so great and even though I was exhausted I still did the work.  My upstairs neighbor woke me up at 6:30 with the vibrator he knocked onto the floor and left buzzing there for 3 minutes.  I was SO fucking annoyed and I was cracking up.  What the fuck does a 70 year old MAN do with a vibrator?  I was imagining myself going up there and knocking on the door and saying "Um - hi I'm your downstairs neighbor and I was just wondering if you could pick up your vibrator - I'm trying to sleep!"  Or "Hi - I'm your downstairs neighbor - nice to meet you - I was just wondering if you could use your breathing machine later in the morning?  (I would be pretending like I didn't know what it was)"  He doesn't even speak English that well and so that would cause a problem.  While I was walking the dog yesterday he shuffles out of his apartment - all innocent and old man like.  I mean - I don't get it - do men USE vibrators?  Am I missing something?  This morning he was totally banging up there - the floor started to creak and I was like - you go get it!  He gets so much action!!  Ha - I should call the management company and complain about his early morning vibrator dropping on the floor and letting it spin for 3 minutes.  Hahahaaa - that really made me laugh.  HOW MUCH MORE AWESOME IS THIS THAN LIVING WITH PRINCESS BORIS AND TALL NOT SO DARK AND CREEPY?  I am still so sad even after all that.  I have a writing date with the guy tonight.  I'm nervous and tired.  More will be revealed I guess.  I have to go and feel for myself.  I love you Blueberry.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Rigorous Honesty.

Who wants to be rigorously honest?  Do normal people even want to do that?  I doubt it - it's fucking impossible.  This guy wants to have sex with me and see me more and now I feel like - it's out of control.  It's not but I want to do what he wants out of fear and I'm not sure what I want.  He is totally funny and he flirted with me allll night last night at work and that was so much fun.  We took a cab home and while we were making out he said "When can I do this outside of a cab?"  Here's the thing.....he also flirts with other girls - as I do guys and normally I would have gotten bat shit crazy jealous - insane - not to mention looking on facebook at any woman on his page - blah, blah blah.  But because I'm taking care of myself - that didn't happen.  This one girl even said to him in front of me - "Oh I want him to lick my left nipple."  Um - what?  I just laughed - it was so ridiculous - and he's cute!  I want him to lick MY left nipple.  I just think if I have sex with him - I will loose it and I really don't want that to be true but I know it is - at least for now.  I'm afraid if I don't sleep with him then he will move on to left nipple girl or anyone else.  What have I learned so far being sober about acting out of guilt?  Let's start with that.  Disaster - never EVER has worked out.  Before I was sober or after.  So now - now I want to act out of fear.  As I write this I'm actually thinking to myself - "Yes - yes - act out of the fear - listen to that."  FUCK.  It was so FUN making out with him!  WOW.  Totally totally fun.  Why are men so fucking aggressive?  He was sweet when I said can you be patient but jeez - they act like the world is going to end.  Maybe it is?  I just wasn't ready and I have no idea what I'm doing but I don't want to do it from a fear based place.  I deserve better than that.  It's so confusing because he also - just isn't boyfriend material I don't think.  I'm so sad and uncomfortable to write that.  So I feel a tangle here.  A real tangle.  Haha.  I did wake up this morning and think that more needs to be ironed out.  And I do not WANT a boyfriend.  I don't.  I do feel better though.  It's definitely more fun having face on my face.  What?  That is so not romantic.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Moment of slef-esteem......

I just had a moment of self-esteem where I thought "But I'm not stupid...."  So I guess a REAL moment of self-esteem would be to say I'm smart.  Who says that about themselves?  I'm so uncomfortable right now.  The guy from work is being nice to me and we had fun the other night coming home from work but it makes me so uncomfortable and - well - we seem to have different views on how art is arrived at.  Well if that sentence doesn't prove I'm smart I don't know what does.  So I guess it's safe to say I'm slightly obsessing over this guy in the old way I used to do with men - trying to figure out how to fit him into my life and make a FUTURE together.  Which feels bad and wrong.  Last night I had a moment of grace also where I thought to myself "Oh this is just supposed to be fun - make my life a little lighter - no big deal - no heaviness."  I didn't think the heaviness part - but the rest I did.  He told me to get in touch with him if I want to hang out and so I have been freaked out.  Why?  That doesn't mean I have to call him right now and have him come over and watch me eat breakfast.  Jesus.  I'm having toasted sesame Ezekiel bread with butter and peanut butter.  Skippy - not Jiff and definitely not that nasty ass make your own at the store shit.  What?  Why am I so angry about natural peanut butter?  He doesn't understand why I go to acting class - why don't I just act he said.  Um - what?  I don't know - more will be revealed.  My class last night was good - more new beautiful people and I only stared at my teacher's package 3 times.  Again maybe 4 because I can not figure out what is going ON down there.  What the heck??  It's just bulge - no definition - just a giant bulge.  WOW - WOW - what is wrong with me??  Here's what is good about this guy.  He's nice and funny and I haven't slept with him or been a psycho and I haven't told him all my deepest, darkest secrets - including anything about the program or THIS.  I feel like I am ironing things out.  I feel like I have always had tons of wrinkles in relationships - right from the start and then I would start wearing them RIGHT away and there was never a chance to iron them because I/we were wearing them already (the relationship).  Also I just realized and hello - this is a friendship/relationship - whatever that they all are - it involves 2 people.  TWO.  It's not just me and this person who is supposed to make me feel better.  Plus - it takes me a long time to trust and get to know people - I suppose that is the same for everyone - but I have NEVER EVER done that with a guy.  Got to know him and then decided.  To be honest it feels like trying to save money or just do a little every day to take care of myself - EXCRUCIATING.  Who wants to get to know someone?  What the fuck????  EXHAUSTING.  SEE?  I'm SO MUCH BETTER.  I'm done with my breakfast and I need to walk the dog and walk me.  Bye Bluebie - Happy Weekend!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I bought a TV.

My computer is really shitting the bed and the sound won't work but I don't want to dram buy another computer - I mean - I do - I do want to buy another computer all fast and crazy but I'm not going to do that to myself.  So - so I went to Best Buy to get a external hard drive to back-up my computer and I bought a little TV that was on sale.  When the guy put in my cable for the Internet he left another plug for a TV and told me I could get basic cable if I wanted to get a television.  So I get this TV home and I plug it in and I can't figure out how to work it and I was so frustrated - I just kept thinking I needed a guy to figure it out.  I figure out how to screw the bas in and attach the cable but I couldn't figure out the remote or how to get any channels.  It was asking me to do something and I had no idea what it was and it wasn't working by me using my instincts.  HA - because that's how electronics work right?  So I googled it and after trying 5 different things, reattaching the cable, turning it on and off, on and off - I decided I could return the fucking thing and that would be just fine.  Just then I googled something and did just one thing different than what google said - I actually used my instincts and guess what ???  THE TV CAME ON.  I felt like I saw Jesus before me.  My mouth fell open and I waited for the TV to explode.  Then it had weird bars on it - I googled that and got it to fill up the whole screen.  Amazing.  Then I used the back-up but I can't tell if I did it right - I was so tired after that.  I mean - I made a TV work.  Fucking heart surgery is next.  I'm still blown away.  I know it sounds so - ridiculous but I'm really proud of myself.  Okay - I think I might be coming down now.  Seriously.  WOW.  The burger I just ate is kicking in and the fact that it's not that profound to make a TV work.  Unless you're me.  I put up blinds, put in an air-conditioner, put a cabinet together - with out super glue.  I even made out with someone and didn't marry them or make their life a living hell.  HOLY SHIT.  This has to be different than what I was doing last year.  Let's see.  Well I have moved and live in my own place and I sleep better now.  I am taking an acting class and what else?  I don't know.  The anniversary is coming up of that bad thing.  That's not going to be fun.  Love and prayer.  Gentle love & prayer.  I eat less gluten now.  Bye Blueberry - I love you so much.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Fun!

I had fun yesterday!!  Novelty.  I came to work, I worked, I went to my meeting and did my service, I took a cab to class, I did my work in class and it was SO fun and then I went home and it was FUN.  I took care of myself the whole day too.  I drank water and breathed and worked on my monologue for class and I had a really great day.  Remember my teacher?  Yeesh - he's so PASSIONATE and INTENSE and has such a large PACKAGE that I can never stop staring at.  I was good last night though I only looked twice.  4 times maybe.  You know what is hilarious also?  There are always all these beauuutiful women in class.  Last night there was this GORGEOUS black women.  I mean - her body - holy shit.  Beautiful.  I think in the past I would have felt jealous but now - now I really try to say to myself - I'm who I am - I'm this and I'm doing the best I can and who cares anyway?  I just can't be bothered anymore.  I just keep thinking what my friend says "I am more than my big Grandma hands."  And I am.  I really am.  I am so tired right now.  Bye Bluebers - lover you.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Dream.

I don't have any pictures - paintings in my apartment - no decoration type pictures - just family pictures.  I really want to get a couple of big pretty paintings - something.  I dreamed last night that I went to these stores and the second store I went to had ALL these amazing paintings and pictures and a garden and they were so different and colorful that I thought they would be so expensive but they were all only $12.00.  It was so weird.  Did it make me not want them as much?  I was enjoying looking at them on the walls and in the racks - you know layered together in the way they do posters and paintings.  What am I talking about?  I'm so exhausted.  I made out with that guy at work and it was totally fun and now I'm freaking out.  Although seriously - this is nothing and I mean NOTHING compared to what I would have done 6 years ago.  I would have looked at those fucking fairy cards 47 times today.  I'm just uncomfortable and it's fine.  It's all good.  I need to sleep - good night Bluebie.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Dead mouse smell.

There is a dead mouse somewhere in here - I can't figure out where because I can't move the refrigerator and I don't want to move the stove.  It's so gross.  I mean vomitous.  Um - drinking dream last night.  I'm waiting for the super who is now famous for saying he is going to be here in 30 minutes and never shows up.  I need a shower so badly - my nails are a mess.  I am hoping so much that I don't have to work tonight - I'm tired and I just - last night - I feel so badly when I am there.  When I leave.  Oh - they came and moved everything and they can't find it and they wouldn't take my tip.  Boo.  Grooooosssss and boo.  I need to shower - I really don't want to work - now the apartment is trashed from moving everything.  Oh well - ohhhhhh weeellllll..........boo.  At least I am sober.  I have water.  I have a nice Super with an odd helper.  Bye.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Dream.

I had another weird dream last night.  I was given a check for $48,000.00 by someone who felt guilty (I think?) for something and it was originally for a lot more - like $98,000.00.  Okaaay - so then I dreamed I was trying to help this couple figure something out - like I was a detective right?  Well as we were looking through pictures I noticed this man in all the pictures - that they said wasn't there when the pictures were taken.  He was good looking - a little road hard but with the same piercing blue eyes as the head from the severed head dream.  He was in the background of all the pictures - just there - it was so fucking strange.  Like a ghost only he was alive - I guess.  What the fuck is that?  I also think that we were on a spaceship.  Hahaaa - that made me laugh - it was something like a spaceship or - a sterile type environment.  Seriously what am I talking about?  I could NOT get out of bed today - I went to bed early but it was so fucking hot that I kept waking up and finally at 6:30 I turned the radiator down and fell back to sleep.  By that time I should have just woken up.  My alarm clock doesn't work anymore (neither does my biological clock) and so that didn't wake me up but it didn't matter because I just kept waking up and not being able to get up.  I cleaned last night a bit when I got home - cleaned the humidifier, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen floor and changed the brita filter.  I put up a coat rack up in the little "foyer" and took out the garbage.  I also got groceries and other things I need but why would that make me so tired?  I watched a bunch of Wilfred episodes which is a stupid show but it's better than nothing.  Maybe that's why I am so tired - that mediocre show.  I love the dog - he's great but I have such a hard time believing that Elijah Wood is a loser.  He looks so healthy and he just - I don't know - I don't buy it.  I don't totally buy him as a dude that's crazy enough to really think a dog is a person.  But I do like the dog.  Anyway - I think I decided I want to be single and I don't want kids.  That's it.  I just want to be free.  I just don't care - I have enough to take care of in my life - like the humidifier.  That needs a lot of upkeep.  It's just too much for me.  I can't have a humidifier AND a husband AND a baby AND get enough toilet paper and paper towels for the house.  Yeah.  There.  Fuck it.  I want to be single and free.  Sounds pretty good right now.  I feel good today despite not showering and being an hour late for work.  This high should end any moment now but fuck it - for right now - fuck it.  I'm free and I feel okay.  Bye Blueberry - I love you.  You're my baby!!  Byeeeeee.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Over-stimulated and confused while also lying to myself about that guy at work.

Maybe I should have capitalized those words to make it a real title.  Huh?  I was supposed to talk to my alanon sponsor this morning - totally forgot BUT I woke up anyway - I just didn't know why and went back to sleep which wasn't even easy because my upstairs neighbor was using at least 2 vibrators at the same time.  I do NOT understand what happens up there and it seems like the only person who lives up there is a 70 year old man.  Who uses 2 vibrators?  I don't even like 1.  I remembered after my house guest was here last weekend that she had gone under my sink and gotten a pad - she must have had here period - I don't know - she left the strip in the garbage....well this morning I remembered that there is a vibrator under my sink in the same container as the pads.  It's just upright - right there under the sink.  Why do I even have it still?  I didn't like it at all.  Why am I writing this?  I am so over-stimulated and - bored.  I'm bored.  I keep trying to figure out - thinking about - that guy at work.  But here's the good part - I know I'm being crazy and I told someone about it.  It's so strange - I don't even like him.  I mean - I like him - he's a nice guy but - I don't LIKE him.  My stomach hurt when I wrote that.  I just want something - that's so terrible and not romantic.  It's so gross.  Okay - but at least I'm figuring it out.  Who wants to be rigorously honest?  It's fucking impossible.  Class starts again next week and I need to work on this monologue.  I don't want to.  Once again it's so slow here.  I forget I'm even at work.  I was on time today so that's good.  I'm clean.  Okay - bye.

Monday, November 26, 2012

I DIDN'T OVER COOK THE FRIED EGGS.

I thought I did but I didn't.  Isn't that just like life??  My life?  I freak out - see things incorrectly and then turns out - everything is fine.  Wouldn't it be fine if I did overcook the fried eggs?  The answer is yes - yes it would be fine.  Over cooked eggs are just as good.  It's better than undercooked eggs - fucking gross.  Right now I am creeped out because the porter is sweeping the stairs for the second time this morning.  Maybe he is mopping.  He seems to spend a lot of time in front of my door.  I can feel him and it's creeping me out.  PERHAPS however I am mistaken.  Maybe he isn't spending a lot of time in front of my door or if he is it's because it's very dirty there.  OH FEELINGS - YOU ARE SO STRONG AND CONFUSING!!  Sooooooo.  Sooooo it came to me via an excellent source that I do not actually have to have sex with that guy at work - we can just make-out.  Brilliant.  I'm going to start with continuing to rub my boobs on him.  I stuck them in his arm pit the other night.  That was weird but fun.  WOW - I am fucking lame.  Jesus.  The tales of a horny repressed, boring overly sensitive drunk.  It's all about cooking and awkward advances.  Anyway - I woke up early and prayed and meditated, wrote in my journal, made myself eggs and now NOW I AM WRITING A REALLY BORING BLOG POST.  HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA - whoa.  I think I'm pushing.  I might be pushing but I'm sober bitch.  So - good.  Good stuff Bluebers.  I love you!!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

AIDS test.

I want to have sex with this guy at work and I asked him if he would get an AIDS test first.  He said sure and I will let you read it while we are doing it.  Haha - oh LORD.  I don't know if - okay - really?  Why am I being so tender about this?  Now I'm telling myself my apartment isn't ready to be seen.  He lives with a Spanish family in their apartment.  What am I talking about?  I need new stools in order to have sex?  Jesus.  Let's see if he gets the test.  I can just use protection.  This is the LAMEST attempt at sex that ever existed.  Seriously he is going to be asleep by the time I stop being neurotic about this.  I just need to do it and then I will be okay.  Really?  If I waited 3 years to eat a sandwich I wouldn't be freaked out about it.  I WOULD EAT THAT SANDWICH!!!!  FUCK.  Exactly I need to fuck.  Bye Bluebie!!!!!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

I just went for a walk and it changed my life.

I went into the park and it's quite blustery today - when I was walking the dog she almost got covered with leaves.  Ha and she didn't even care she wanted to be outside so badly.  So when I walked myself in the park it was fairly empty but because it's chilly and kind of overcast.  The leaves are almost off the trees so it's less scary - you can see everything.  Anyway I jogged a little and walked a lot and the wind was blowing and it was crisp and glorious and my mind CLEARED.  The water, the geese the AIR - I just felt my brain unclog.  I wrote on here today - wrote in my journal, prayed and meditated and the thing that finally cleared me was nature and exercise.  Maybe it was all of it.  Anyway - I feel like a different person.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Pen of God. Ugh.

I want to be the pen of God.  Just feel God come right out of my heart, through my arm and out the pen.  I was going to say head.  That's my big problem - my head.  My heart feels like a frozen rock in my center.  I am a little frazzled to say the least.  I'm freaking out worried about my future and I feel - worried.  I was all gung ho to apply to schools but something felt so wrong - so panicky - so the way I feel when I HAVE to have some item of clothing like it's going to complete me.  I made myself this big meal yesterday when I got back here - I caramelized red onions, made refried beans and a sharp cheddar omelet.  I ate it all and then fell asleep for almost 3 hours.  Say what?  I had this crazy dream about putting a severed head out in my old back yard - not like old where I grew up but old - like it was old - really ancient.  I had forgotten it was there this back yard.  I put the severed head in what looked like an outdoor fire pit that wasn't in use and next to it was a heart.  As I walked away this head was looking at me - seemingly trying to tell me something.  I thought it strange that there was a heart also because I didn't remember putting it there.  I climbed up these reaaaaaly old stone steps with leaves all over them and twigs - steps that seemed unused you know?  Then I went into my apartment and felt like I was trying to act like it wasn't completely wrong that I just left a severed head out back.  My apartment had sliding glass doors and I could see my neighbor smoking.  I believe that part of the dream was just someone smoking.  So after freaking out when
I woke up and doing a little research I realized I'm thinking with my head and not my heart.  My heart is so frozen.  Ha - I'm not really laughing but I wrote that and that Madonna song came into my head.  When I prayed this morning one of my daily reader books said one has no right to get in the way of the growth of another OR ourselves.  Well - there you go.  I just - okay - wow.  The comedy club was so sad last night.  I can work on my resume.  I can do that and get myself another job.  Right?  I just want to write.  A lot.  Be the pen of God.  The actress of God.  Ew - that sounds so gay.  Gross.  I need to go for a walk.  Okay - bye.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving 2012.

This is my fourth Thanksgiving sober.  I went to bed early last night and went for a walk along the river with my friend.  I helped do dishes for my mother and I took a nap with my dog.  I also took pictures of my cousin, her husband, her baby and my dog for their Christmas card.  They use my dog every year for their photo.  So.  So I'm a little sad.  Why don't I want to go to school for acting?  Why can't I just act?  Why can't I do comedy?  I just can't get out there every night.  It's so wonderful being here on the farm and hearing my parents tell stories and the baby is so cute but I feel displaced.  NO family of my own.  Isn't that terrible?  I'm so lucky to have this family - MY family and we are going to my brother's today and - I'm just sad.  Maybe the coffee isn't strong enough here.  I came back from my walk and had a cup of coffee and fell asleep for half an hour.  I just want something to wake up for - to work towards - to put my passion in.  I also really want to take care of myself and time is running out fast.  I need to prepare for my future and I don't think the 140 dollars I have in my savings account is enough.  WHICH IS A MIRACLE by the way.  Why do I write all this down?  I write in my journal - write on here - I have notes all over the place but I don't have something I can SELL.  I don't have - my creative people.  I have my program people - thank God - thank you thank you for that.  I need my creative people.  I thought it was comedy - it was - there was a while there - they were - they were my creative people.  I need to get inspired - I need an idea.  Or I need a to DO one of my ideas.  What do you think of the Gay & Breakfast?  A show - ugh- see - I just got tired.  I'm showered - I have on make-up - another miracle.  The first year I came here for Thanksgiving in sobriety - I smelled so weird on the train.  I got up to get off the train in the city and I smelled so weird - I was detoxing.  Now - now I am not.  I can put myself to sleep early and wake up and help.  Now please Dear Lord - give me back my art.  I need to access the vein again.  I have one month if I want to apply to schools.  One month.  Oh my.  Okay - I need to eat a turkey leg.  I love you Bluebers.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Guilt and other lies.

So I tried to help this woman recently in the program and it all culminated with me having to stay away from her because she wanted me to be a doormat for her.  The problem began because I said I would help her watch her cats and then next thing you know she wants me to vacuum her apartment while she's a t rehab.  Okay - listen - I was a drunk and I asked people to do the craziest shit for me and acted like a turd.  But the only reason she even felt like she could ask me that was I told her I felt badly for dumping her as a sponsee years ago.  So I was going to watch her cats from a place of guilt and that has never worked for me and this time is REALLY didn't work.  Here's the thing also - I wanted so much to be sober because I wanted to be a bigger part of my family - pay for more things, buy my nieces and nephews presents - pay for my own tickets home - all of that.  And I do.  Great.  But now - now I have to not be a doormat.  Which I'm not - no one has even asked me for anything.  I just thought of it and I'm writing it because I am at this job and bored out of my mind.  I feel like an animal at the zoo.  I am sitting here looking online, writing in my journal - looking at pictures of Norman Reedus - planning my month and people walk by slowly - stick their faces in the window - I pretend not to notice.....it's so awkward.  At least I am being so authentically nice when people come in - except to that woman.  She just asked where the nearest Starbuck's is - I told her and she repeated it back to me with an attitude and left without saying thank you.  I was like "You're welcome!!!"  Well - that was authentic too.  Guilt is such a lie.  What a terrible reason to do something.  Never again.  I can feel a small shift happening in me - a small place of power aligning back up.  I want to go back to school.  I really do.  At this moment I really do.  Okay - well - bye.

Compassion.

I just started to write a big long explanation for why I should and now and completely focusing on having compassion for myself but I erased that sentence and just wrote this.  I have thought to myself at least 35 times in the last 12 hours that "it's okay - of course I felt that way - did that - am this - it's okay - I can have compassion for myself."  It's so much healthier - so much more loving than beating up on myself or even having shame (same thing?) for any of my past thoughts and behaviors.  It's so much cleaner and it's so completely different than feeling sorry for myself.  TOTALLY DIFFERENT.  Jesus.  I got up today - I prayed & I meditated on the couch - which was HEAVEN and then I got ready for work, fed the dog, walked the dog and got to work almost on time.  I cleaned last night before I went to bed and I did all my laundry yesterday and I also bought myself some pretty new underwear.  Not TOO pretty so it's functional.  There's a gift of sobriety - I can buy myself underwear but it actually stays in place.  What?  Holy shit.  I am so grateful for this job that wakes me up and gets me clean & to a place with a nice computer to use.  I am just so aware today of what a gift this sobriety is.  I finally feel like I am starting to get sober.  For so long after I stopped using things I was still so NOT sober.  Okay - WOW - I say that so much lately - sober.  I really want a new job also.  Since I worked Sunday night this week I just had a completely different experience at the job (the comedy club) and I felt like a plant that has completely grown out of it's pot.  I feel like I am busting out of the pot and I am still trying to act like it's fine - the pot still fits.  I have so grown out of the place.  I so appreciate it but I just really saw on Sunday night how I WANT to move on now.  So I am going to do that.  I am going to work on that today.  Scary - so scary.  I need to put on make-up.  There's is something softer and kinder happening to me and it wasn't going to happen with my old sponsor.  And that's okay.  I mean - it's annoying and why didn't I do this sooner but that's not the point.  See?  I'm so much softer.  Ha - I just giggled.  Okay - bye Bluebie - love you.

Monday, November 19, 2012

The path.

I'm crying right now - I'm so tired - I just finished watching the latest episode of The Walking Dead and I had a crazy emotional weekend.  I had a visitor who didn't know I was sober.  The last time she came to stay with me here in the city I was drinking.  I was drinking and doing tons of comedy and I was way more fabulous.  I guess.  I mean - on the outside maybe.  Here's the thing - here's the real thing.  I'm on this path - I'm on this path that I always wanted to be on.  One where I would be able to actually hear myself - and be healthy.  I thought this morning how I want to be "healthy enough" so I can realize my dreams.  But you know what?  I want to be HEALTHY and I want to realize my dreams.  I am a person who is passionate about WALKING and PRAYING & MEDITATING (who yells that??).  I like to think and write boring shit about my feelings.  I'm not fun.  AND I LIKE THAT.  I am fun - I'm awesome to have fun with - like go see a show or go shopping - but I am not - I don't party like that anymore.  I'm so fucking emotional right now.  It's fine - I'm okay but that visit really scared me and also showed me how lucky I am to be sober. I have so much work to do on myself still.  The first being able to take care of myself by setting my boundaries and learning to say no.  I got home tonight and I was like - okay - I am going to watch that episode and write on my blog.  So there you go I did.  I felt like I had so much more to say - so many more
profound things but who knows.  Here's the - whoa - distracted by a dog collar........not everyone wants to be on this path or is even interested in it.  It shocks me but also it's not fair for me to expect that.  For me though - this is the thing - this path is for me and I want to stay on it.  Kindness towards myself and others.  I can have compassion for me and compassion for others.  I am going to start with me tonight.  Me.  Yes - me.  I got McDonald's and I ate so much that I feel like one of those Zombies from The Walking Dead.  Okaaay.  I'm a sober Zombie.  Gross.  Haha - sober.  Holy FUCK - no wonder people say it's brave to be sober!!  Navigating ANY kind of relationship sober is SO fucking hard.  Okay - I'm going to put on a mud mask and go to bed.  I'm so grateful - I'm sosososososoooo grateful for the sober women in my life and for the chance of growth I have been given this weekend.  Now I just need a career, boyfriend, a baby and - what?  A pool membership?  If I get to keep praying & meditating in the morning - and going to meeting and learning to take care of myself and help others - I will have a surprise life and that is SO MUCH better than getting whatever it is I think I want.  Although I do want a boyfriend.  What?  I don't know - I'm fucking exhausted.  Bye Bluebers - I love you.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

WOW - just WOW.

I saw Grace on Broadway last night and it blew me away.  My date?  Not so much - she slept - hard through the first hour.  Hilarious.  I had google the show after my friend told me about it (she had a life changing experience via it) and there is a Wikipedia page about a play called Grace - but not the one I saw!!!  I kept waiting for the actors to change into other people and for the plot to change into the one I though it was going to be.  Someone also puked all over people down near the front and that was very chaotic but overall it was mind blowing and Michael Shannon is such a gifted actor.  They all are but WOW - he blew me away.  WOWOWOWOWOW - so beautiful.  To be able to express yourself like that - so authentically.  Cleanly.  Cleanly isn't the right word but it really was.  Gorgeous.  In a beautiful 100 year old theater.  That is when I love it here so much.  The magic of a  beautiful show in a beautiful place.  I got home and they had fixed the water damage, put in a fire alarm and put up whatever that stuff is called along the floor?  What is it called?  Well it covered up one mouse hole and has taken away the cat pee smell of the previous tenant.  Ah - I found it - baseboard molding.  Seriously - how fucking amazing is that?  I have to say the dog seemed a liiiitle freaked out but she was okay.  They had assured me they would be careful of her.  There is a gash in the floor that wasn't there but honestly - who cares?  So this time - this apartment - there was water damage and I asked them to fix it and they did.  I never wanted Creepy to fix the water damage in my room because I couldn't handle him working in there for however many days it would take.  So bizarre.  One day and done.  It's not perfect and I am going to have to clean my ass off tomorrow - for sure.  I just got so sleepy.  What was I doing this time last year?  Well I wrote on here - I was in an okay place - I sounded a little manic but that's okay.  To be fair Creepy would have fixed my room but sometimes when he would fix things it would take him weeks because he would get high in the middle of it - fuck it all up and lose focus.  Anyway my rent never went up either.  Oh dear - I'm so grateful I don't live there anymore.  More growth forward.  House guest tomorrow!  Another chance to get it all clean and ready!  I wish I had stools and a couch without mice in it.  Ha - gross.  Or cute!?  Maybe it's cute to have a mouse nest in my couch.  I'm pretty sure the only people that think like that are those ladies in that movie Grey Gardens.  GROOOOOWTHHH.  My morning readings said to move towards what is light and easy.  To go towards the light.  Um - that sounds scary with this creepy song playing on the radio.  Love to you Bluebie.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Sooo - my riveting life continues.....

the porter - oh my - what should I call him - the Super's odd helper - they call hima porter - I will call him Vladimir - Vladimir came and fixed the leaking radiator.  He came reaaally early in the morning on Friday and I was still sleeping.  I answer the clothes and Vladimir - who is missing his four front teeth and reeks of cigarette smoke AND is hairy from head to toe, little and skinny while also being very nice except he always stares at my crotch - I'm not even kidding - he walks right into my apartment and says "Oh I'm here to fix the radiator!!  Don't worry - get back in the bed - go get back in the bed!!"  I was like - "Ohhh - ohh it's okay."  He FINALLY 3 hours later fixed it and had to come in and out of my apartment 5 times and everytime he came back he was like "Honey I'm home!!!"  Jesus.  Now I need the ceiling fixed and I think I just want him/them - whatever/whoever - to do it when I'm not there.  Last night I was coming home and I had on my glasses which meant I couldn't really see anything and all of a sudden someone was reaching for me and it was Vladimir.  He was laughing and joking and put up his hand for a high five and I have to say (oh he also looked at my crotch - twice) it is so wonderful that he is helpful but also - I don't know - I'm sort of creeped out.  He is nice but - um - what the fuck?  I also don't understand why he is always doing stuff for the building - it's confusing.  Maybe if he had teeth and didn't stare at my crotch all the time.  I feel like BOOBS would be better.  Isn't that terrible?  Can't a guy not have teeth and be a crotch starer without being creepy?  Is that even possible?  Well the exterminator came also and he was GREAT and guess what??  I CAUGHT A MOUSE IN MY OWN TRAP!!!  I'm a mouse killer.  I decided I'm going to pretend they are Zombie mice and then I feel less terrible about killing them.  The exterminator came in and I told him that the mice weren't getting caught in my traps and he said "Doesn't look like it to me!"  And there it was - a dead mouse in a trap!  Amazing.  I have to go and look on Facebook more.  Bye Bluebers.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

My fucking super is an asshole.

He just called me and told me there is a leak in the apartment below me and to get home as soon as possible and I already told him that the leak is fromt he heat being up too high and that - FUCK.  Now I'm missing my job tonight and all because he couldn't fucking wake up this morning.  What if my apartment is flooded and why didn't I CALL AGAIN?  Why did I leave knowing the radiator was leaking?  Why didn't I call last night????  I unplugged my computer to turn it off too and so the cord is on the floor.  Ugh - seriously - I feel like I am going to puke.  I'm so upset.

Maybe this is where actual human strength comes in.....

when there isn't total drama and it's a slow move towards health.  I went on that date and it was okay - I spent about 35 minutes with him and I could not take a minute longer.  I went home and made myself blueberry pancakes and fresh guacamole with refried beans, cheddar cheese and blue corn chips.  Then I got all ready for bed, did some yoga and went to bed early because the radiator was making the craziest sound all night.  I also need the earplugs for the mice anyway.  I'm going to have to throw out the couch - the mice are living in it.  My first couch in ten years and I have to throw it out.  I woke up and there was part of the ceiling caving in because the radiator above me must be leaking.  I called the super and he said he would come and never did because he "fell back to sleep."  Ha.  Okay but I got all ready for work, prayed & meditated and walked the dog - did all of it, packed my clothes for my next job tonight and so that is that.  I am hoping that it doesn't cave in more actually now that I think of it.  I got here to work and I called my father to check on him - my mother made me promise to call him while she is in Spain this week.  For the beginning of their marriage he was away on submarines for months at a time and now she travels all over the world without him.  Hilarious.  But hilarious I mean - I don't know.  It makes me sad only my nose is tickling so it's not real sad right?  That date made me so sad last night.  It was practice - it was practice and then I got to go home and take care of myself and today I am as rested as I can be and at a job where I can write a letter, call my father, talk on the phone and write on this blog.  I meditated on the way to work also.  I'm trying so hard.  I'm trying to feel my feelings and listen to the Universe.  So slow - this is all so slow.  I'm not exactly having a blast either - hahahaha.  Why did I write that - I only meant one haha.  Being awake is hard.  Bye Blueberry - thank you for you.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Who the fuck is reading this?

It says there are 20 page views!!  Is someone other than my one friend reading this??  It's a miracle!!  It's a Christmas miracle!!  It is so slow here that I forget that I am here at his store.  A woman just walked in and I was singing to myself.  Seriously awkward.  Well it's snowing and dark out - winter is here.  I went to a meeting last night and farted the whole time and tried to act like it wasn't me while squished in between 2 people.  Um - the only thing that happened was I made it SO obvious that it was me.  It was the most uncomfortable saying goodbye to people ever.  Why couldn't I just be like "BYE - SORRY I WAS FARTING THE WHOLE TIME - I HAD A CAPPUCCINO!!"  Gross.  I would be SO offended if someone was farting next to me for an hour and a half.  I said to the girl sitting next to me when I sat down that the girl I was talking to right before that smelled like sex - and she did but really?  I talk about someone else smelling and then I fart the whole time???  I hate being a nervous farter.  I HATE IT.  I do however feel better having written this.  So take that dear blog and go on with it.  BYE.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

FIRST ONLINE DATE.

Haha - OMG.  Okay - I'm so scared he is going to be a psycho or have a flat ass.  What?  That's what I'm worried about?  He asked if I wanted to get coffee so why not right?  I'm so sleepy right now.  He seems nice - he looks cute and owns his own shop - or so he made it seem - yeah.  Okay - so practice right?  No big deal and I can write all about it and how boring, crazy or fun it was.  I really want a peppermint mocha latte.  Doesn't that sound SO fucking good?  Holy fat ass fuckness.  Bye.

Okay list 3.

I want to fall in love with life again.
I want to be my own great parent.
I want to keep drinking water because it feels as though a fundamental shift has occurred because of it.
What?
I just met an older woman named Douglas.  I like that.
I'm still not so sure this was the list I wanted to write.
NO REGRETS TUESDAY!!!
Bye.

List Dos.

I need AAA batteries
I need to go to the bank
I need to get matches for the store candles
I'm needy - sort of.
This isn't what I wanted to write but I can't remember what I wanted to write so I am writing this.
Hmmm - hmmmm......yeah it's not coming to me.  Maybe later.
Bye!
I wrote a song on the subway yesterday - on my hand.  That was fun.
It's called Peanut Butter and A Broom.
Boom!

List.

Here's a list of lately:
I broke up with my sponsor but got an in-between-one first, who is wonderful
I have still been traveling all over the city to do my routine and it has been LONG ass trips
I have taken the bus more in the last 2 weeks than I have in 14 years and as with all things I'm not used to doing - I can't believe HOW MANY people are doing it!  Mad bus riders yo
I am at work, I am clean, I am doing my best
There are so many mice in my apartment having SUCH a good time at night that I had to put earplugs in to sleep
I can't believe I did something good for myself by moving on to a new sponsor
It all started with buying myself that new silverware.
It's so cold but I like it.
I actually only did half of my laundry yesterday because that was all I could carry!!
I brush my teeth before bed and I started drinking more water and suddenly things seem brighter.
A lady fell asleep on me at least 7 times today on the subway - like full on arm snuggle for real - and it WAS SO SWEET.
I learned so much from my sponsor - I'm so grateful - it's just time to move on.
I bought a lipstick for 4 dollars and it's SO CUTE.
My dog is still blind and for some reason old ladies love to stop and ask me what happened to her and it is so awkward to say - "Oh - she's just really oooold."  You know - like you!  Awkward.
Did I mention I'm at work?
Bye.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Okay - let's see if I can be clear at all......

this whole thing with the city being broken feels very much like 9/11 and it's quite - traumatizing except - it's different.  It's not a human attack and people are being kind to each other.  Here is the thing - I am once again - sort of - left feeling like my life is empty.  During 9/11 I had a crazy roommate and a comedy career.  Now I have my own apartment and I'm sober.  I had tools to pick up today - amongst them my wonderful therapist and kind sober people.  I am an artist and I don't know what that means but I need to follow my bliss.  Follow my bliss.  That's it.  I can trust the doors will open where they should.  I learned all of this from one dating website of some man I found interesting.  I don't think he finds me interesting and it doesn't matter.  Follow my bliss - that's it.  I'm going to do that.  Starting now.  I'm so tired.  See???  I REALLY enjoyed writing that!!!!

Do I really want something different?

I mean than the life I am living?  Because I keep doing the same things and thinking in the same ways.  It's easy to live like this.  Really?  I mean - what?  I need to take some risks.  Some healthy risks.  I think I really want to move.  Okay - let's start with an interm sponsor and then I'm getting a new sponsor who HAS WHAT I WANT.  I'm eating an apple - everything is going to be fine. 

Well - and then there was a REAL hurricane...

Holy fuck - this one was SO much worse than last year.  Totally awful.  The subways are closed - all of lower Manhattan without power - the subways are flooded.  Okay - so anyway - I'm at work.  I never lost power.  I did my hair, my nails, cleaned out my files - which took 2 days - holy shit - this couple that just came in - they are sort of nice - okay - she's such a bitch - so bizarre.  Oh well - whatever.  I am getting upset - what am I doing with my life?  The hurricane is making me crazy.  I think maybe I need to stop writing.  I got here today and the last person her had left her keys IN THE LOCK.  What?  Omg.  Okay - I took care of myself these last few days and I am here at work.  I am going to get an interm sponsor.  I have just had it with mine.  The poor woman is without power and I'm mad at her - how ridiculous is that?  Regardless - I can't be without a sponsor and she isn't available and I've had it anyway - I'm done.  I love myself - I want to be okay and be taken care of and I'm not and never have been.  I'm just afraid to move on because I don't want to do the work.  More work - show up.  There you go.  I'm so sad for people that got fucked in this storm.  Except my sponsor.  That's not true - I am not going to be upset with myself because I am upset that she wasn't kind to me.  I'm sorry but if you have enough power in your phone to post to facebook - you can write to your sponsee.  UNLESS - you don't like your sponsee or feel they are worth it - which is exactly how it felt when she told me she couldn't talk to me because her power went out.  I can have compassion for her and be upset.  I don't but I can.  I need to take care of myself - I help her by being her sponsee and I am sick of feeling like a burden to her.  LOOK HOW GREAT I AM DURING A CRISIS.  I'm not even IN crisis.  I got an extra day off and it took me longer to get to work.  PANIC.  ANXIETY.  Love.  What?  Bye.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Releasing shame.

In my readings this morning it talked about being honest with what is happening in our lives, saying how we felt and what happened but not saying what we SHOULD have done because then we come from a place of shame.  Do you know my therapist always says that to me.  Should implies shame.  I never understood that until today.  I woke up a little bit late and I still prayed and meditated, took care of the dog and walked her and do you know the most amazing part??  I noticed that when I got in the shower the mice are eating the bathroom cabinet and as I was getting ready - THE EXTERMINATOR CAME!!!  I'm not even kidding.  If I wasn't running late I would have completely missed him.  Holy shit - those mice were having a fucking paaaarty all night last night.  It's only mice - I finally realized that - but plenty of them.  Okay - so what else?  I really worked on releasing the shame while I meditated on my way to work also.  Okay - right - here's the other thing.  I went shopping after work last night - Loft sent out this email saying all their full priced clothes were half off until 7 - I got there and it was a mad house.  I tried on a really cute skirt but it looked only okay - not AWESOME at all so I left.  Plus ladies were being insane - like psycho - I couldn't handle it.  Then I went into the Gap and okay - make a long, boring story short - I went to buy this 70 dollar dress that I thought was 30% off but when I got to the register it wasn't.  So I hemmed and hawed and the girl was like "Try to buy it online - it might be on sale online."  She took the dress and I just stood there and finally I left and then OBSESSED about this dress for 2 hours.  Maybe 3.  It was cute and I liked it but the ONLY reason I wanted it was for this job and I have clothes to wear here.  I would have needed new tights to go with it - maybe even shoes and it wasn't AWESOME - it was just cute and I really can't afford it.  I just wanted it.  But you know what?  I didn't buy it and today I am wearing a 400 dollar dress that she GAVE me from here with tights I already had from home.  I am clean, I look cute and creative and so WHAT?  No one is here anyway.  Here's the other thing - the dress was for an OFFICE and I don't work in an office and I don't work somewhere where I need to buy something I can only wear there.  I have had it in my mind that I have always sort of wanted a day job - where I get health insurance and I work 40 hours a week - blah, blah - normal.  Right?  Like a "normal" person.  Um - I think what I really mean is I want to PLAY a person who has that life - job.  I mean - it would have been so inauthentic for me to get that dress.  I didn't "love it, have to have it - more than anything."  I just wanted to be a different person than I am.  And it was a boring dress anyway.  If it was 10 dollars it would have been great - and fun!!  And who cares.  But 70?  Not only that but I am a creative person - so why don't I go ahead and let myself dress like a creative person??  I am really on fire right now with this blog - holy shit.  I'm going to go ahead and write in my journal.  I just keep thinking that there is a way things SHOULD be and there just isn't.  This outfit is a surprise this morning.  If I was wearing that dress it wouldn't be surprise and it would have been forced and wrong.  Maybe someday - after I pay my rent ON TIME - a 70 dollar dress isn't so crazy - but for now - no.  I want life to be filled with surprises - not planned boringness.  My shoulders are up by my ears.  I think I made my coffee stronger than usual.  Also one cute guy who I wrote to - wrote me back!!  That's fun right?  Plus that stupid dress wasn't THAT comfortable.  Here's the great part - at least I'm not obsessing over it anymore!!!  HAHA!!.  Holy fuck - time for some relaxation exercises.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBERS! 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Online dating sucks MY BALLS.......

and I haven't even gotten to the dating part!!  First a transgender man and now a little person.  Plus a LOT of creepy older dudes, along with a lot of strange men and some decent seeming guys who cut right to the "Hey - do you like to have naughty fun????"  Ew.  Hahahaa - ew.  What-fucking-ever.  Okay - what can I say - it's at least practice - right?  I mean I am talking to guys about dating - it's start.  I have message a lot of guys who haven't written me back.  One guy did.  It's all good - good practice.  On a positive note I think I found some stuff that will keep my eyeliner in place.  Is this really my life?  I think one of the reasons why any cigarette smoke freaks me out so much is that I am so totally sensitive to it.  I'm exhausted - so tired.  I need to go to bed at 10 o'clock.  I woke up this morning and I went back to sleep and then I woke up late and then I decided I wasn't going to go to work.  In my head I was like "I am not leaving - I am not going there - I am not going to go to work - I am sleeping."  Then I rolled over and went back to sleep and when I woke up only 5 minutes had gone by and I got out of bed.  I suck.  I want babies and a relationship and an awesome job to go to.  Oh dear I am getting impatient and this has NEVER worked out for me.  I need to calm down before I marry some other freak because I have decided that I can settle and I just need to do this.  Alright.  This guy I am talking to right now - I gave him my cell phone number - is asking me why I would want to look sexy in my pictures.  He has zero sense of humor and is WAY serious.  I'm frustrated.  I am frustrated and exhausted!!  What?  How is that a thing?  Bye Bluebers - the boring saga continues.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Walking Dead.

Fucking AWESOME SHOW.  Holy fuck - I love it.  One of the bartenders at work made me promise I would at least watch the pilot - I did and then I watched 3 more episodes.  So inspiring.  I'm at work and I am not a complete psycho and I have on the cutest shirt I got from the Gap for 9 dollars.  It was on sale for 12 something and then it said an additional 30% off sale stuff.  So I went to pay and the guy didn't take it off and I was like "Um - the sale items are an additional 30% off right?  He was like - "oh was this on the sale rack?"  No it was on the full price rack - now everything at the Gap is 12 dollars.  I felt only a little stupid but what the heck - 30% off is 30% off!!  It is the cutest shirt but it is so wrinkled - I should just steam it with the steamer from here.  Okay so wow - why am I afraid to write?  Something about the coat I wore here today smells like salad dressing.  I think after this weekend what I have walked away with the most is making a new plan.  That's all.  I need to start with being excited to wake up in the morning to go to jobs I want to go to.  I want new jobs and I want a boyfriend.  That's it.  I gave the dog a make over last night.  She always hates it when I do it but then she's so happy to be clean - it's hilarious.  It's so much easier to take care of her in this apartment.  Everything is easier.  More expensive but easier.  The steamer is on.  Bye Blueberry - time to steam.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Shit day turned better....

I worked another double yesterday and I took home public transportation again - to save 26 dollars - and it took an hour and a half.  I was so exhausted by the time I got home and I just woke up so tired and so upset.  I meditated, I cried, I ate eggs - it was raining - not helping.  I took the dog out finally when it was just drizzling and she was NOT into it and I really just wanted to strangle her.  I got back in the apartment and it smells like cat pee and I hated myself for hating the dog and I was really wondering what the fucking point is.  So I finally got my clothes on and I walked in the park.  It was almost completely empty and I walked and cried and hissed at some creepy man and then I ran and then I walked more then I jogged and then I cried more.  I looked at the ducks and the birds and the trees, which are so beautiful right now changing colors and it was raining most of the time and I finally started to feel better.  I shifted out of my rage a little and I got back in here and drank water and hugged the dog and then I was thinking "Why is this so hard right now?  I have PMS but why am I soooo upset?  Why do I feel so crazy?"  then it occurred to me that I am changing something - right?  I'm taking the bus and the subway home to save money and it's scary and it sucks and it's SO much better for me and so of course I'm having a meltdown about it.  I'm being more of a grown-up - right?  What else can I do?  I don't know.  I'm writing this and I feel like I sound stupid but - I don't know.  I'm either really falling apart or having some sort of transformation.  Am I dying or becoming a butterfly?  I want to laugh at that but I'm not laughing.  I'm so tired.  Am I taking care of myself by working these jobs, paying my bills and trying to be a grown-up while not being an actress?  I just don't understand.  I miss so much being creative.  I'm so confused.  But part of my problem has been just being silly with my money while lying to myself that I'm taking care of things.  I need to lay down.  I'm going to lay down.  After I lay down and take a shower I will feel way better.  Way better Blueberry - way better.  Byeeeee - love you for being here.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I have to write this before I forget.....

First - taking care of my drunkenness and 2 - the small voice.  Yesterday I went to this meeting and the woman said that once she really realized without a doubt that she was an alcoholic she felt the responsibility to take care of it.  She said she felt very grateful for that - that she had that.  That struck me as so profound.  I have heard this before concerning art - I suppose all sorts of things but it never landed with me quite the way that hearing her say that did.  Taking responsibility for it - taking care of it.  So of course it is making me think of my other gifts - other being a strange word but it's what I wrote so there it is.  Taking care of those gifts.  It puts such a different angle on it perspective wise and it also sort of takes the ego out of it.  Okay - so 2 - the small voice.  Last week in a meeting I heard this guy talking about how he felt like when he hears that small voice tell him something - that's when he really needs to listen.  I hope this is making sense.  Well today I woke up late - I worked last night so I did a double yesterday and I took home the bus and the subway which is exhausting and takes forever so I went to bed much later than I would have.  It doesn't matter anyway - I always wake up late.  Okay so I had to take a shower and I did - then I knew that a woman had said she was going to be here right at 10 to try on these dresses she has on hold.  So I fed the dog and I was like - oh I will just go get on the train - it's 9:10 already - I still might not even make it on time and then this small voice said "Just walk the dog - just love the dog and walk the dog."  So I did and do you know what happened?  I was right on time for work.  I got here at 10 on the nose and do you know what else?  That lady still hasn't come.  Amazing.  I mean there is progress happening but it really doesn't feel like it at 11:45 p.m. on the subway when I made 49 dollars that night.  But I made 49 dollars.  Haha - I needed 49 dollars really.  It's going to shift and change - it has to - it's the nature of things and I just need to take care of my - stuff.  I want to eat eggs, cheddar, bacon and a side of cow.  Maybe a piece of lettuce.  Fuck the lettuce - just some water.  It's so clean and fresh in here - the cleaning lady was here this morning and I made it cute in here yesterday and it's sunny so it's nice.  Okay.  Okaaaaay.  Bye Bluebs - love you.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Holy shit!

WOW - so this time last year I was wanting to do exactly what I am finally doing now.  Loving myself and working on my self-esteem.  Haha - ew again.  But seriously (and when have I never wanted to be working on that?) how fucking amazing is that?  I MOVED and I can make my own food at home.  Ha - okay - I'm going to top but seriously it took a year - 3 years but I am in a different place which is amazing but even more amazing is I am not filled with rage, a total victim and a turd.  Isn't that a blessing?  Amen Blueberry.

Profound morning......

or so it seems to me.  I wanted to write right away before I get distract by googling symptoms about being tired.  Ha - anyway - I woke up a little late but I still took care of myself and the dog and packed myself food for the day.  I put on clean clothes and half did my hair.  I got to work a half hour late but so what?  No one is here and I would have felt horrible if I didn't shower and take care of the dog.  But I did the same thing last night.  I mean - I took care of myself.  I went home after the meeting - loved the dog - took care of her and then made myself dinner.  Then I did the dishes and took care of myself before bed.  I did a little yoga, I flossed the whole thing.  It has taken me over 3 years to figure out how to get to the layers underneath of my drinking that it's so hard for me to take care of myself - love myself.  Ew - that's so corny.  Eww.  Look - I am finally getting to the layers underneath and it's awesome.  I find great pleasures in the simple things - like making dinner and doing the dishes.  I feel blessed to be able to do that.  That being said I can't always be late to work but I can guarantee that if I didn't get ready I still would have been late only dirty and filled with rage.  I also am realizing the power of my thoughts.  I started to think of someone and I could feel the poison in me.  So I just started to think about the beach and babies.  Ha - how hilarious is that?  I was like "I love the beach - I love babies - oh babies."  Jesus.  So let's see if I can do this all day long.  I'm not allowed to be mean to myself or think negative thoughts about myself or others and when I do I'm going to think about the beach and babies.  And dogs, and fields of grass and pumpkins and - whatever else I need to.  I think I am in a much different place than I was last year at this time - I'm going to look to see what I wrote.  I can even look to see how 2 years ago was!  That seems very profound to me.  Also I found new people to model myself after - new people to be inspired by.  Love you Blueberry.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

To feel lovable...

That's where it has to start right?  One has to feel lovable to be loved.  Or at least to be in a relationship.. To be able to receive love one must feel lovable.  I can't even say "I."  "I" need to feel lovable.  That's how huge my fucking intimacy issues are.  Fuck.  This book I'm reading is doing a number on me also.  Emotional Intelligence.  It's just reaffirming that I didn't quite get what I needed growing up and it's so hard to write that - right?  But here's the great part - it just said in the last part that I read that it's never to late to fix it.  I can fix my brain and I can get what I need now.  Um - isn't that exciting?  I'm not excited - haha.  But I am better - even my typing is better.  I can look up now and type - how exciting is that?  Oh I'm looking down at the keyboard again.  So.  Sooooo.  Sooooooo.  Sigh and so.  I did so much yesterday.  I cleaned the bathroom - every inch of it, vacuumed everywhere in the apartment - cleaned the bathroom and the bedroom, dusted, did laundry, threw out garbage and things I don't need, AND I went to therapy and watched the movie teachers.  I vacuumed the couch and I sat on it and ate ice cream.  I meditated on it this morning and it was GLORIOUS.  That thing has caused me heart ache from missing my class so I am going to ENJOY IT!.  See?  I'm so much better.  I have to go - I really need some meetings.  Does it take other people an entire day to grocery shop, clean and do laundry?  I just can't not do it - I hate being dirty and I get CRAZY when it's dirty.  THIS IS SO BORING.  Maybe it's not - maybe it's riveting.  MY struggle to do mundane activities could be so riveting to someone.  AHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHH - doubt it.  Bye Bluebers!!!  Love you.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Project I Deserve Better.

So sometimes when I give up I get on my feet somehow.  I worked my ass off this weekend and I was just able to pay most of my bills and my rent.  Do you know what is so crazy?  I was taking cabs all the time home from the club and guess what?  I can't afford it anymore.  I saved SO MUCH money this weekend not doing that.  I didn't have to leave the club at 3 in the morning or I wouldn't have done that but what have I been doing?  Ugh - this money stuff is so tricky for me.  It's more than that though.  It's the delaying of gratification, the sitting through the discomfort.  I just don't naturally want to do that.  But I deserve better in life and I'm not going to get it unless I get better with this stuff.  Am I making sense?  I'm getting upset.  Why?  I'm uncomfortable at this table right now.  I have to go - I really need a walk in the park.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

I give up.

I can't afford my class this month.  Which is okay - I fucked up with my money and now I'm learning a lesson but sitting here for 8 hours 3 days in a row with nothing to do is making me crazy and I don't know what I'm doing here.  I am going crazy.  I should change the window.  I - I don't know.  I might go back to school - art therapy.  I just can't get my passion back for the performing.  Nothing is really coming through me.  I tried to write a play about my ex-husband and I and the band and it made me so upset - sososooso upset.  I did think I should start a writing group.  I just give up.  I'm 41.  Oh dear - so WHAT?  I'm going to write in my journal and figure out some money stuff and figure out how I can possible take better care of myself and my art.  I got here late today because I REFUSED to get out of bed and I HAD to shower and walk the dog.  The mice/rats woke me up so many times last night.  They were just running and laughing from the kitchen to the bedroom.  Really - they were having a blast.  I set a trap and haveahart traps and they are not working.  I'm going to have to ask the super.  Oh well - I give up.  I have managed to take baths at night and do a little bit of yoga and that is helping my body.  I guess.  I'm so lonely.  I joined Plenty of Fish and it is a holy nightmare.  One drag queen asked if I wanted her to draw me.  I guess it was a guy with a picture of a drag queen.  I give up.  Bye Bluebers.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Sleeping.......

I want to go to sleep so badly right now.  I have been so sleepy the last few days.  I suppose part of it is because I am so slow here and part because....I'm tired?  Ever since I read the Happiness Project I am so much better about sleeping.  I mean - I actually try to get to sleep.  Last year at this time I was still watching shows until 3 in the morning and then getting up and coming here.  That I am not doing anymore.  I get into bed so much earlier but it's still not enough and more than that I just can't stand not being clean and ready anymore.  The discomfort of not being well groomed is awful and I just can't stand it and I have to figure out how to wake the fuck up.  I get my best sleep when it's time to get out of bed.  The bed becomes this glorious, comfortable golden love nest for one.  The sheets turn into liquid heaven I swear.  Yeesh.  Okay - so at least I WANT to wake up - that's a start.  I want to get to bed earlier - another start.  It's self-care and being a grown-up.  Holy fuck my mouse is a rat.  I saw it last night.  It was darting back and forth in the kitchen.  It did sound really loud to be  mouse but I was hoping it wasn't a rat.  I put out haveahart mouse traps and it ate the fucking food out of it and left it.  So the trap was closed this morning and I was all excited and then I realized - no - no rat could fit in there.  I really tried to lie to myself last night when I saw it.....I was like "Oh - ohhh there's the mouse!!!  Wow - that was a really long, big mouse!!"  Um - what?  Gross.  SO FUCKING GROSS!!  Still better than living at Creepy's.  When I bought the Haveahart trap the guy at the store said it was nice that I wanted to let the mouse go in the park and it made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I was like "Oh - I can't even cook meat in my kitchen so I definitely can't kill it in my kitchen."  Oh my God - really?   Haha - what a dork.  Now I have to go back and buy a fucking haveahart rat trap.  It's 12:22 and I already wrote in my journal, wrote on here - did some exercises and stretching, had breakfast and pooped twice.  This is a long day.  Byeeeeee Bluebie!!!!! 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Fuck me bored.

Fuck me tenderly, fuck me bored.  I'm bored.  It's gray and drizzily and coooold.  Why is it that sometimes this can be the most romantic weather in the world?  Ugh - right now it sucks balls.  I just want to go back to bed.  I mean - what the heck?  Okay - I was about to talk myself out of this  but I'm too apathetic right now.  I cleaned last night and I did laundry yesterday, jogged, ran in the park, went to therapy and got sung to by some crazy guy on the street.  He asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint.  He was actually cute but he was fucking playing a guitar and following me down the street.  HE asked me what I was doing and I said I was going to therapy and he asked if I wanted to meet after to go dancing.  HE had fucking BELLS on his ankle.  Do you know that there was a time in my life where I would have felt so MAGICAL having some stranger sing to me on the street with bells on his ankles??  I actually went to therapy and asked my therapist if I should have met him afterwards.  She cleared her throat and was like - well - um - he might not be the most stable choice?  Do you know the craziest part?  He had nice thumbs and nice brown eyes.  Weird shoes.  AND BELLS on his ankle.  Christ.  He said he was going to Bleeker street "To get his vest!"  He had an accent - some - I don't know - who cares.  I started to read Emotional Intelligence - I hope it offsets that fucking horrible book "Drama of the Gifted Child."  I fucking threw that book out after I was done with it.  I don't think I have ever thrown a book out.  Creepy gave it to me.  I thought I never finished it because I was drunk but I just didn't like it.  OH WELL - it's gone now.  I threw out a shit load of VHS tapes of me performing years ago.  It felt great.  Fuck it.  It cleaned out an entire shelf in my bookcase.  My friend told me she cleans her floors every other day.  So my efforts are now going to be focused on cleaning ALL the time.  So that's why I did laundry yesterday - so I'm doing it once a week instead of every other week.  I vacuumed last night and wiped down the bathroom and I cleaned the kitchen after I did the dishes.  I cooked myself angel hair pasta with garlic, olive oil, fresh mozzarella and baby spinach.  It was fucking delicious.  I tried to roast garlic in the oven but it tasted terrible for some reason.  I'm going to research why.  Okay - it feels great to write on here.  Maybe my character needs to go through a  transformation.  I mean - my other blog I never write on - my character - she needs to change - to grow.  I know this doesn't make sense.  Okay - I am going to be nice to myself all day.  This is soooooo quiet and boring!!!  Oh - I have a book to read!!  Yay.  I can also go in the dressing room and meditate.  Bye Bluebers!!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Such a great weekend.....

my friend came it was so wonderful - such a gift.  The show on Friday night was at this cute theater on this adorable block and then we went to this amazing little wine and cheese bar and I ate so much cheese.  So much cheese.  I worked 2 different jobs and today we went to this cozy little diner and my life is so much more ABUNDANT now.  I mean - I DO things.  I get out of bed and I can take a shower first before I leave the house.  Right now I am so sleepy but I have highlights in my hair and I have to rinse them out first.  I used the oven for the first time tonight.  It works - it's a scary oven but it works.  Well!  Holy fuck - it's powerful.  There is a muffin pan in the oven.  It had 2 cookie sheets, cookie drying racks and a muffin pan.  I'm going to make muffins.  And - I don't know - other things you bake in the oven!!  I'm so excited!  It was such a nice weekend - well today was rainy but i still liked it.  What am I going to do about this job situation?  I mean with the comedy club?  I have so out grown it - I still need the money.  I need to just get another job but but but.  I love my friend so much.  She was so inspiring to me this weekend.  What a blessing in my life.  The air mattress was a big hit and my new floor model couch.  I'm so tired right now.  I spent a lot of time in Barnes and Noble today.  I absolutely love being surrounded by books.  It is glorious.  I have to wash this stuff out of my hair.  I love you Blueberry.  So much.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Whoaaaaaa......

oh my GOD - I just read some posts from last year and WOW - wowowowowowow - so much has changed.  I was SO crazy and angry.  I feel like I am getting a different view on this whole day.  I'm not nearly as bitter and - ew - just a mess.  Oh it's so sad - I was so awful.  Okay but I am better.  I guess if my biggest problem right now is that I have a n unwanted pet mouse and that I'm not sure how to navigate my weekend well things are not that bad.  Whoa.  And things will keep getting better.  I will keep feeling my feelings and taking care of myself and it will get better.  I am so grateful that I have moved and that I still have this job.  I have class tonight and I have wonderful, hard working people in my life.  WOW - helloooo attitude adjustment.  I just have to keep working on turning my rage into love and on taking the time to be uncomfortable and to keep taking care of myself and going to alanon meetings.  Um - FOR REAL.  Ahhhhhhh - I need some water.  Love you Bluebs - still and always.  As a side not eI have been attracted to amongst many - one guy and I just got a call from a number I didn't recognize and I answered and this hot voice was like "My name" and I said "Yes??"  and then I started to PANIC.  "Oh no - he got my number - he wants something - how will I say no - I'm not into this - this is insane!!!"  Right?  The this guy(who is totally gay and not this guy at all) asked me to work on Friday.  I was like - ohhhhh - ohhhhhh - you aren't in love with me???  He was like - nooooo.  Jesus fucking Christ.  Bye.

I'M HAVINGA LOT OF FEELINGS!!

Ugh - how totally not fun is that?  I'm so fucking uncomfortable.  It's raining.  I worked so hard at putting this apartment together and why am I so upset about it?  It looks so much better - FEELS so much better.  The cutest woman just came in here - she stops in now and again - she's older - in her 70's - white blond hair - super sweet and kind.  She always buys things and she has fabulous taste.  Last time she bought a scarf for a friend and I steamed it for her.  Adorable woman.  She has this kind of southernish voice with a little bit of a rasp to it.  She just bought the prettiest earrings and looked at this gorgeous Indian necklace we have that's rubies, diamonds, pearls and emeralds.  She had a scarf over her head to keep her hair safe from the rain I guess.  I guess I just don't like to much pressure.  How do I want to have boundaries and structure in my life but yet I don't like deadlines?  What?  I'm just tired.  I had the weirdest dream about my parents farm last night.  Every now and again I dream about it.  I was all the way at the end of one field - all the way so the house looked small and I was in a car.  It was so beautiful that it made me cry.  So much green and loveliness - my mother said - oh you get such a different perspective from here don't you?  I have to go and research how to get rid of my pet mouse.  The little fucker ate through my bag of organic potting soil.  I thought we could live together but we can NOT.  So - so I asked it to leave but that didn't work so now I have to actually get it to leave.  this feels very passive aggressive.  I feel better writing.  Okay Bluebers - love you. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

I threw out the kitchen table

I got when I was married and that I have been using as a desk for 6 years.  I smoked so much pot and did coke with my ex-husband (to try and save the marriage - I don't even LIKE coke - at ALL) and wrote and watched movies, and TV shows on, and - LORD - what a relief.  I'm using this beautiful antique desk my cousin is letting me use - it has flaps so it fits better in the apartment now that I have A COUCH.  A fucking couch.  I own a couch.  It has been a fantasy for YEARS to have my own couch and now I do.  It's purple and it's a love seat and I think I love it.  I'm not sure.  I haven't been able to sit on it since it got here.  It's a floor sample and the bottom is ripped but it's just a piece of material - the couch itself is fine.  When I got my ukulele I couldn't use it for days - it freaked me out so much.  Okay - I should just sit on it.  I did yesterday and I loved it.  Okay - I just sat on it and it was heaven.  Total heaven - amazing.  I took my whole computer apart yesterday in order to get rid of the other table, cleaned it - put it back together, moved the bookshelf to my bedroom and bought this couch.  I took the kitchen table apart and put the nuts and bolts in a bag and brought all of it down to the street and someone took it.  It felt like I shaved my head (not that I have ever done that) after I came back up here.  I got rid of a piece of sadness by doing that for myself and I hope that table brings someone else a lot of happiness.  It's really cute but huge and just one big piece.  Why am I trying to justify it?  I did the right thing and now  have a little living room where I can actually have someone sit down.  Fun.  Time to do laundry and clean and grocery shop.  THAT'S FUCKING ALL!!  I just went for a walk/jog/sprint in the park.  Fucking glorious.  Moving here is like being let out of prison.  Even with the cockroach and the mouse - I think I have a mouse - it's total fucking heaven.  So what - so I have a dog, a cockroach and a mouse?  I also have FREEDOM.  And a bathtub and a little kitchen and A FUCKING couch that no one is having prostitute sex on.  Yet!  Ehhh-ohhhh.  Gross.  Bye Bluebs - I love you.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Hi!

So here we go - more & more psychology and fascinating discoveries - or not.  First of all - I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond last night and got a bunch of things for the apartment - among them a light bulb for above the stove.  I came home and put that light bulb in and I felt like a million bucks.  I had FUN at BB & B.  I love being cozy and calm.  I love going to sleep earlyish.  I'm not so upset to not have someone in my bed lately.  What?  Then I obsessed last night all night - sort of - over this guy.  But now that I think about it - it wasn't him - it was that I felt like I couldn't talk to him.  It was that I felt - stuck somehow.  That's really what I was upset about.  Upset not being the right word - ahhhhh - over-thinking?  Haha.  WOW.  It's 11:17 a.m. and I got lots of sleep.  Drinking less coffee is the most amazing thing ever.  I don't know - what else?  This suddenly seems so lame.  I need to go outside - get some air.  Turn it over and more will be revealed.  I have work tonight and I still have tons of things to do for the apartment to get it ready for Melissa.  And any other guests!!  Not just my guest cockroach.  I love you Bluebs!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Okay - here we go.....

I got home last night and I was upset - so negative and I really had to pull myself off of the negative thoughts.  I thought to myself - I have control over this - I don't have to be miserable - I can pull myself off this unhappiness.  And I focused and focused and it was sooooo fucking hard but I did it - sort of.  I mean it is going to sound so crazy but it's like I have to pull myself out of the left side of my brain into the right side of my brain.  So I had this dream I was running up this really steep hill - running and running and I was doing it and thinking - wow - I can do this - this is amazing!!  Then the alarm went off.  I got a lot of sleep and I walked the dog, got all clean for work and got here.  I brought a yogurt and ground flax and had coffee from home to drink on the way to work.  I just kept focusing on the love on the way to work.  Why was I so compelled to write just now?  I can't remember.......hold on......oh RIGHT!  I realized that - okay - I am saying this from a clinical place - I am not beating myself up - I will preface it with that.  I realized how I have replaced so much of my drinking and smoking pot with netflix and food.  Also with rage.  Rage, netflix and food.  And that hurts my body too.  If everything I am doing is to be being better to myself - treat myself better - be kinder and easier on myself - all of those things are not.  What am I talking about?  This seemed so profound when I was thinking about it.  I'm just getting to another level of nice to myself - in a really good way.  It feels impossible.  It feels like that hill I was running up in my dream.  Only I did it in my dream and I can do it in waking life too.  I've decided that every time I say something negative to myself I will say - that's not true - I don't know that that's true.  I also realized when I spilled some of the flax this morning that I was packing up that I'm a perfectionist.  I FREAKED out for a moment that I spilled some flax.  Or maybe I'm just a drama queen - who fucking cares??  You know what my therapist said?  She said - after I was upset that I hated someone and then the next day I loved them - she said "So what??  Can't you hate someone one day and love them the next??  So what - it doesn't matter - who cares!  Can't that be okay that that's who you are?"  I think that's what she said.  Sometimes just because she is telling me that it's okay to be me I get so excited I can't remember correctly the reasons she is telling me why it's okay.  I have a cold - a little one.  I have the night off tomorrow night because there isn't class.  I have on clean clothes, I have my own apartment and I can pay my bills - sort of, mostly.  Now I just need to ignite the right side of my brain and bring it back to life.  Bring my love back to life and step into the flow.  That's all I have to pee Amen. 

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I guess it's not coming back.

I guess my comedy isn't coming back.  I'm supposed to be re-writing this but what the heck.  I work here - I go see my family - I pay my bills and take care of my dog and I never perform.  My class has gotten better and now we don't have class for a week.  I went to see my parents this weekend and that was amazing - I went to the beach and the river and it was fantastic.  MY father grilled steaks on the grill and I watched the Emmy's.  I would love to be on a sitcom.  Would I?  I can't even manage to get to work showered 2 days in a  row.  Alright - I'm getting upset.  I felt like I had such a grasp on things.  When?  I don't know.  Okay - okay - calm down.  I just wake up with this emptiness because I don't do comedy anymore - it makes me so sad.  Some part of me must not want to do it or I'm not letting myself do it.  I'm so confused.  I'm also just tired.  I did this Anniversary thing last night and you have to shake hands with over 400 people - it was really intense.  Then I forgot to wash my hands an ate some chocolate.  I should have just licked the sidewalk.  I shouldn't say it's not coming back - what do I know.  I also was telling myself I don't have love inside me and that is simply not true.  I do have love inside of me and this is about growing and balance.  I have killed off 3 plants lately because with the move I suddenly started to water them too much and I killed them off.  MY father said that most plants are liked by over watering them and by paying too much attention to them.  Now I'm upset again.  Balance has never been my thing.  I'm going to go about this day and then get some boxes to put odds and ends in in my apartment.  I have been cooking at home and it has been so glorious!!!  The last 2 nights I made myself blue cheese burgers with avocado, red onion and a side salad of mixed baby greens and arugula.  SO FUCKING GOOD.  And fun!  Alright.  Bye Blueberry - I miss you!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

More will be revealed.

That's what everyone and the program says.  I went home last night because I was so exhausted from working here yesterday and I didn't get enough sleep AND I didn't shower and so I went home instead of going to ballet.  I got home and put on clean, comfy after work clothes and it was TOTAL heaven.  I spent time with the dog and I washed my underwear in the sink AND I re potted a plant.  I got Chinese food and took out the garbage and the recycles and that was fun too!  I vacuumed and got to sleep at a decent hour and I woke up completely on time.  Then I went back to sleep and woke up so upset.  I cried in the shower - haha - not really funny but kind of funny and then I went to work.  Somehow though, because the apartment was clean and because I took care of myself - I felt better by the time I got here.  I don't know - I don't understand anything at all but somehow I feel a little better.  I was being so hard on myself and then I was like - well this isn't helping so I stopped.  Just a day at a time.  Okay - I'm signing out of this most boring blog post ever.  Right now I am so grateful to be sober.  I don't care how nerdy that is.  I really am.  Bye Bluebs.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Up, down and getting my power back.

Maybe.  Maybe I can get my power back now.  That's probably the least likely way to get your power back....by saying "Maybe....maybe now I can get my power back......if I feel like I have enough energy...."  UGH.  Crazy lady out side.  SHE WALKED AWAY!  Score.  Anyway so I have been crazy and blah, blah, blah.  I can tell you this - I stayed up late last night doing laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping and I felt SO much better today with less sleep than I did yesterday.  I just don't do well with clutter and dirt.  Boundaries and my power back.  I also want to turn into some combination of Pink and Angelina Jolie.  But with highlights.  Oh dear.  Bye Blueberry - I miss you.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Not Hung Over.

I'm not hung over - how amazing is that?  Sososososos so wonderful.  I woke up, walked the dog, prayed & meditated, walked/jogged/sprinted in the park, talked to my sponsor - got the New York Times, did the dishes - ate some food.  Fuck yeah - good stuff.  So strange - somone is playing SERIOUS music upstairs - it sucks.  Okay - I just wanted to say how awesome it is to not be hung over.  I love you Bluebie.  BYE!!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Okay.

I woke up really depressed - I'm having these dips into depression and I just realized it's perhaps something in me is healing.  I always tell people that are new to the program that are a mess - that they are a mess because they are actually getting sober.  So I'm trying (and I'm kind of smirking as I am about to write this because I know it sounds so ridiculous) to heal these childhood ills - whatever they are and I'm trying to heal my heart and get even more sober and it's hard.  Here's the other thing I just realized - part of what I go to meetings for, is to look at men and possible find one.  Um - what?  So how does this affect my healing?  Who can shop and heal while also trying to figure out if they look fat at the same time?   My friend and I were talking yesterday about how we don't want someone who is an addict anymore and I really don't.  It just occurred to me how much more quickly my healing would progress if I just went to meetings to get sober and help other people.  Fucking a.  Ugh - what a relief - what a relief to realize that.  Here's the other thing - when I woke up so sad I just wanted to go back to bed and instead I took care of things and walked the dog and then walked/jogged/sprinted in the park and that helped SO MUCH.  The sunshine, the trees and the air.  The ducks too - I love those ducks.  Quack.  I have to go about my day now.  Love you Bluebie.