blech

I went to a meeting after work and of course - why of course??  There was a really cute guy qualifying and he was nice.  Everyone got a chance to share because it wasn't a big meeting.  I shared and I cried because I always cry and because I got 3 hours of sleep and by 8 tonight I was beyond exhausted.  So - so then - he has 7 months sober and he has a gambling problem and a romance problem.  I left that meeting feeling soooooo uncomfortable - SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I was attracted to him but I was also super tired and it's hard and awkward when there are cute guys in the room - that's it.  And I'm a little bit of a mess right now.  I need to go to bed.  I'm exhausted.  Okay - I feel better - it's just really awkward when there are cute people in the room - thank you. Whew - we got there - bye.

That was so fun and now - exhaustion....

First of all le me say that the fact I got myself tot he set and home was amazing to me.  The fact that it was FUN???  More amazing.  The fact that I made it to work is a minor miracle and the fact that I look and feel hung over is - so obvious.  I just ate a tuna melt - that couldn't have been a bad idea right??  What can I say - it has to get easier than this but it was SO fun last night!!  Holding was in a garage and we had this crazy old picture car and this boy was running out naked in front of us - then we go and grab him and bring him home - that's the scene.  This kid was so brave - he literally was wearing a sock and running around naked in the cold.  He did not complain once.  I would have never stopped saying I was cold or asking people if I looked fat in my sock.  The camera they were using was beauuutiful!!  Omg - the guy playing my husband said it was a 100,000 dollar camera.  Anyway I feel so gross but it is super slow and super spooky here today anyway.  I need to go the fuck home and go to sleep.  When the train pulled into my station stop at 6:09 this morning I thought "Oh my God - I did it."  Years ago I never would have shown up for a night shoot like that or I would have been soooo high - so high and weirded out.  I would have been drinking too - ew.  I don't like thinking about it - it makes me so upset.  I can say however that this isn't good - I feel very not okay right now - I can't be getting 3 hours of sleep and not bathing.  I used to come here to the store all the time unshowered - what an unpleasant way to go about one's day.  Alright - well okay - I just need a meeting, to run some errands and get some serious sleep.  Love you Bluebers.

12:30 am call time - so annoyed so farting

Why would I eat roasted sweet potatoes, spinach brown rice and tofu with lentil soup on it all day when I know I have to be on set at 12 am??  Why did I agree to this?  What made me think that THIS TIME THE TOFU FART COMBO WON'T MAKE ME FART??  Do I have to go into a program for fartless food?  What the sweet fuck?  Seriously?  I'm drinking coffee so I can stay awake.  I have an hour and a half commute and I need to leave.  If I hear one more person complain about the 10 block "Schlep" they have to make to get someplace I'm going to freak out.  How is 10 blocks schlepping??????  Fuck - I'm so annoyed - I already worked today and shot 2 things - I'm so tired.  I'm so tired and they are never going to pay me for this - I just know it.  Why did I have to learn such an annoying lesson?  Why can't I just ask them to pay me cash like my friend said I should?  Why does this have to be part of the dream???  Seriously - why?  Fuck - it's smokey in here anyway.  I want to go TO BED.  How am I complaining?  I'm making a movie for fuck's sake.  Alright - well - lord - okay - I can take tomorrow night off I guess.  Bye my Bluebie Blueb - I love you.

Exceptional Kindness.

That's what I am going to do today.  I can only focus on today and I am going to focus on being exceptionally kind - mostly towards myself.  Then I think I will be able to go out and have exceptional kindness to give as well.  Is it selfish - I don't know - I don't care - all I know is that if I don't take care of myself - I have nothing to take care with.  So that's all.  Let's get paid also Bluebie - let's get mother fucking paid.  I need to survive and travel and LIVE and see my family & friends.  I just went for a walk and got some water (I'm at the boutique) and I stopped and looked at the puppies in the window and I almost had a heart attack I miss my dog so much.  That sweet wagging tail - UGH.  Soooooo - so how about some radical kindness huh???  LET'S DO THIS.  Bye!

POEM

NO doesn't love me
but BOY does he smell good
I just did my hair
alone I stood
I played with a sweet dog
on set today
I fell in love
just kidding - no way
I woke up at 5
I did my best
My heart hurts from sleeplessness
NOW I'm going to rest.
Good night my sweet Bluebie.

k.

At work - worked last night - have class tonight.  Work tomorrow and tomorrow night AND the next day - then I have the night off.  Right?  No - I'm filming something Sunday night, then I need a meeting - THEN I can go home and get up for a super early call time.  Oh DEAR -my feet feel a little bit off the ground.  Here's the great part - I just listened to a phone meeting and I can call people right?  I made barely any money last night but I made some money so that's good.  Oh boy - things just haven't shifted over yet that's all.  I just need to keep it in the day - that's all.  I told my teacher I need to leave class early - good.  Okay I need to work on my comedy right now and finish reading a script.  It's so quiet at the store right now - it's really chilly out.  It's like my own office in here - so bizarre when someone comes in.  They haven't paid us for weeks from the comedy club - I don't think they are paying the lawyer and so I think he isn't writing our checks.  Who knows - I don't know how that works - sigh.  I got to talk to my sister and my father yesterday - AND my God baby.  He's talking.  I wish I could see him more - it breaks my heart I don't get to see my family more - but at least I am finally working on my art - I am not seeing them for a good reason right?  Anyway - okay - so keep in the day.  Stay sober for today - make small moves towards love - or be love make small moves towards - what?  Healing?  Kepp moving out of the woods that's all.  Love you Bluebie.

Poem.

Work
Talking
More work
Walking
Caught 2 buses
Rode 4 trains
Made it back
Home again.

Halleluiah

Amen.

I love - real quickly - I mean "I love" real quickly......

That's the thing right?  That's what it all comes down to I think.....that I am in this programs not just to stop drinking and to keep not drinking but to learn how to love - first myself and then others.  I guess right?  Lately it has been so much of me to try to actively stop being angry and somehow - I feel more love.  Yesterday the cigarette smoke everywhere - not just her in my apartment but EVERYWHERE - was so terrible.  It's New York City!!  Of course it is.  Anyway at one point this woman - an older woman in a frumpy dress was smoking and I gave her a look and in my head I thought "Seriously grow the fuck up - really - stop smoking."  Right?  I actually thought that and think that a LOT towards different people.  Then I suddenly remembered me smoking - just siting there and smoking cigarette after cigarette.  Or walking to work and smoking the whole fucking way.  But when I sat out side that house and smoked - I never thought of my neighbors or if it bothered them - I was a total addict - I could not stop.  Then I thought about the super yesterday and I was able to actually think "He's addicted - he CAN NOT stop - it has him by the balls."  I also did my laundry yesterday and since it has been a month since I did it I had to walk back and forth from the laundry mat and this girl working at an orthopedic shoe place (so she wasn't so busy I guess) was literally standing outside smoking every time I walked by - and quickly puff in, puff out.  I just remembered being that way - so consumed by it.  So for once - for the first time in years - I have had compassion for the smokers.  Which has caused my anger to ease greatly and has also made my hair change.  I swear to the good Lord around me - when I am upset - it just shows in my hair.  Dries me right out from the roots.  Isn't that sad?  That it has that much effect?  The anger?  Anyway it's more sad that I wasn't having compassion for the people doing the same exact thing I did and me not realizing how hard it is for them.  So - today I love more.  I had class last night and I feel closed off towards my teacher.  The anger and jealously is there but after I meditated this morning and really felt how clenched my heart was and really thought - what?  What did I think?  I forgot.  HA!!  Hilarious.  Well anyway who the fuck knows what incredible profound thought that I had but - I can let the jealousy and anger go - that's all - let it go and love.  What?  I feel like I am talking out of my ass.  It's not personal the class and I want to make it so but it isn't.  Somehow I just realized that.  So dear blog of my dreams help me to unclench my heart and get sober in this class and love - myself and my art.  My fellows and my other humans.  I'm so ready to move forward in life away from the past and my - bullshit.  My anger.  My dryness.  Oh fucking boy.  I'm going to do some dishes and go into the park.  I love you bye.

Sleep and dreams.

I got a lot of sleep - and I dreamed I was kissing NO and he was staring into my eyes - so intensely.  So much so I kind of couldn't handle it.  I was also holding my breath - weird.  I got up this morning and called the landlord and the other place where I'm paying off that old credit card that I thought had magically gone away.  I mailed out Octobers rent and for both phone calls I was able to actually talk to someone.  Jeez - I cried.  Not to them - thank God.  I cried, calmed down - ate some yogurt and cried again and almost choked 5 times because I was about to drown in yogurt.  But okay - I spoke to Her Lady Wonder yesterday and she told me to just call the landlord and talk to them and that was the best course of action.  So okay - I did.  I've been doing the same thing with my rent that I did with drinking - I would be drinking at midnight and have to be to work by 10 and I would keep drinking, smoking pot and cigarettes and tell myself it was fine - that I could totally drink until 4 and be up by 8:00 and get to work by 10 - no problem.  Then I would drink till 5:00 and get to work late and be a fucking miserable disaster.  If I even made it to work.  I just don't even like writing about it - it makes me so uncomfortable.  Oh - so - oh.  Yes - I am not out of the woods but for right now and today I did the best I can and did what I can.  Now if I can just go for a walk and get laundry done today I will be in a much better place.  Laundry and clean -  it's for real so dusty in here.  Okay - let's keep trudging forward my sweet one.  God speed through the ether Bluebie.  I love you!!

omg hi

This is what I did the last 4 days.  I worked on Friday at my new job, went to therapy, went to class - got out at 11:30 and then woke up at 4:00 am to get to the set for 7:00 am call-time way the fuck - all the way out in Queens - shot till 5:00, went to work - WORKED, got home late got 5 hours of sleep - worked (OH AND GOT A COURT NOTICE TO PAY UP THE RENT OR GET THE FUCK OUT), went and shot another scene for the movie - got a ride there and back from the guy playing my husband - SO NICE, got a good night sleep, woke up and got to an audition and then got a filling done, went to a rehearsal, then - here's the most amazing part - went to a meeting - finally after 3 days, my phone wouldn't work at the meeting except for texting with this one guy who had relapsed - he came and met me and I stayed for another meeting with him.  MY HAIR LOOKED DIFFERENT after being at those meetings - amazing.  I mean isn't it crazy that my phone wouldn't work for anything but his texts?  I don't know.  I was so freaked out by that court letter I got I seriously almost had a heart attack.  I paid September and Augusts rent so I was beyond upset and confused until I called the lawyer this morning and I realized it said they wanted September and Octobers rent and it was dated from the 8th - so they didn't know I paid Septembers rent.  Um - do you know the most mortifying thing about the letter?  It said hello - you agreed to pay such and such amount on the 1st of every month and you haven't been - not those words exactly but mostly.  I was so mortified - of course - I agreed to pay and I don't want to - I want to do the exact opposite of what grown-ups do.  I want to agree to rules and then do whatever I want because that's what I decided I want to do.  What the fuck is that?  So - so I'm so not out of the woods at all with this shit.  How is this all going to work?  I need a miracle.  I need a miracle to get my shit together.  I need a miracle so I can grow the fuck up - seriously.  Thank God I got to those meetings tonight and I got to see that guy.  I'm so very tired.  Okay my sweetest Blueberry - I love you.  Bye - let's make this cyber space worth it.  What?

Poem.

It's Thursday
UPS just came in
But they weren't supposed to
He said
"Any pick-ups?"
I instantly thought
"Porn"
How can I think about sex SO much
But never have any?

Bye.

Perception, Service and I'm not a victim.

Do you know how hard that was for me to write??  That I'm not a victim???  OH MY FUCKING ASS - so hard.  I mean I was so upset about working here last week - like my friend took advantage of me blah, blah - and then she got in touch with me yesterday and was so sweet - ugh I can't go on about the details - my perception of the situation just changed.  I got up this morning and I felt okay - got on the couch to meditate and I had gotten up early so I snuggled under the blanket and felt too comfortable - checked my bank account and of course because I felt uncomfortable leaving the meeting early enough to walk last night - I fucking took a cab and it made my account 10 dollars under - so if my rent check went through - I would be fucked.  So I got my ass ready and went to the bank and put my paycheck in.  What in the good lord is wrong with me?  I'm not out of the woods yet money wise - this change over from the comedy club to this new job has not happened yet.  This isn't what I wanted to talk about.  Well but on some level I just couldn't handle the discomfort of doing what was best for me.  I was sitting next to my new sponsor and I just - I didn't know how to get up - I didn't want to make her mad.  BUT SO WHAT?  She's a grown woman - jeez and then I had to run around this morning before work and get all stressed out because I just can't afford to take cabs or go outside of my teeny, tiny budget.  Jeez.  HOW HARD IS IT TO BE HONEST ALL THE TIME.  Very.  I just want to be in the clouds about everything - money, food - everything.  I had a drinking dream last night.  One where I had been taking sips of alcohol at different times and then I was about to take this trip or be alone someplace and I thought to myself "Oh - I'm going to DRINK - no one will know and I have time tomorrow to heal from the hangover."  Then I remembered I had to drive someplace and - ugh - what?  I still was going to drink - and then I woke up.  So I need to be of service today.  An old sponsee called me yesterday - and I am going to call my sober sister and I don't know - check on new comers and people I know that are struggling.  I don't know - okay - time for an alanon phone meeting where I can affirm I'm not a victim

Of course - things changed!

I got a part in something - it's just little and I filmed the audition on my phone but they hired me and it pays - AMAZING.  I did the work today and things shifted - I called someone and did 3 tenth steps, then I talked to a newcomer on the phone and I called other people to see how they were.  I listened to an alanon phone meeting - that was amazing.  Amazing?  That's not the right word - I got a lot of relief from it.  I also went to my regular Tuesday meeting, sat next to my new sponsor and farted the whole time (thank you) and then went to class.  THEN I went and got my check from work and holy fuck that was creepy - it wasn't quite even 10:30 and it was not feeling good in that area - it seemed so late!  Anyway - what is confusing is last night I took a bath and I gave myself a massage and I groomed myself and got a good night's sleep but it really didn't do anything for me - I mean what does it for me is the meetings and doing  the program stuff but okay and I don't get it but that's alright - here's the thing - when do I get to feel sexy again?  Maybe I don't!  Maybe I will never feel sexy again.  Between this skin fungus, the burn I gave myself sleeping in Selsum Blue overnight and the HORRIBLE rash I got from the lotion I have been putting on it doesn't make me feel sexy what will??  Well I am so tired right now and I have work in the morning plus filming that little part tomorrow night.  How fun right?  I finally told the comedy club I can't work on Fridays.  I should just give up Thursdays too.  Not yet.  Oh boy - hope they don't mind the skin rash - well they saw it in the video submission right?  Love you Bluebie.

Horrible Dreams.

I went to bed early last night - like 9:30 - I don't think I've done that since I was 11.  I had such a bad nightmare it woke me up.  I dreamed I lived on this Island in this beautiful house that had been recently renovated.  As I walked around and admired the work done and the light from the windows I thought to myself "Oh I always have these dreams where I forget how beautiful the house is." - right?  Then I go outside and suddenly a bald man with tattoos is trying to get me - right?  I say to him "What do you want?"  He keeps trying to get me - then I get farther away and I'm all over this Island and then it's a lot of men trying to get me - bad men.  Then I decide to call 911 and they rdirect my call.  I finally get someone and they are giving me a hard time on the phone - like someone isn't really trying to get me.  Then right before I woke up - I had like an overlapping dream of the man getting me and keeping me captive somehow and even though he wasn't trying to have sex with me I decide I might as well have sex with him - somehow this will help.  Which he isn't into.  At he same time I'm still being chased and ignored by 911.  Then I woke up and it was almost 3:00 in the morning.  So I looked it up in the dream dictionary and it says people often have these dreams - next time it happens - ask what they want and tell them to go away.  I took some advil, meditated, and went back to sleep.  This time I dream that I get this really "nice" boyfriend who seems like he really loves me but he creeps me out - although I'm in denial about it.  Everyone is saying how lucky I am but I feel gross - I can't explain why - I just know something isn't right.  Then I go to my apartment and his friend shows up - locks the door on me and says "Wait here - he's coming with the girl" and he gets these ropes out.  Then I say to myself "no way - uh uh (I'm naked by the way) and while he is looking away for 2 seconds I unlatch the door and I get the fuck out of there and go next door - or outside - some big open space with a bunch of well dressed beautiful women/possible prostitutes.  I say to them (as I walk in naked covering up my pubic hair and my boobs) "This man is trying to hurt me next door and my boyfriend is coming with some girl too to do some weird shit - I need help."  Then this gorgeous, amazingly dressed hooker woman gets up and starts walking towards the door and says  "Oh - I will have sex with him - I haven't been working all day - I'll take care of it."  I explain that they are bad - they don't want to just have sex - they want to kill us and they have some poor girl that they are bringing and we need to get them.  Then she stops in her tracks and she's like "Ohhh" - and all the hooker chicks are like "ohhhh" and then we devise a plan to KICK THEIR ASSES and get them and save the girl.  Then I woke up again.  I was so proud of my self for not being a total victim the second dream around.  I am having a rough time.  My subconscious is going crazy.  Oh well - I just listened to a phone meeting and now I'm going to make some phone calls.  I can't drink - I can never drink and the only way that will happen is if I use the tools of the program. 

Not okay.

I'm just not.  This is a blog about my life right?  Right now - not okay.  I'm beyond exhauseted.  I'm so stressed out and do you know - my parents never call me.  No one cares about  me anymore now that I don't drink - I feel ignored.  Whatever - I couldn't ge tto a meeting tonight - where I went it was closed - bot h places were closed - I woked all day and made 42 dollars.  I'm so tired and I feel like - just - so upset.  My super is smoking in his office and it's not completely horrible - but I smell it and it's irrintating my eyes.  I have a horrible rash on my neck - I feel like I am going to have  nervous breakdown or kill someone.  I just - I feel disrespected by my family - I was acting like  turd at the end of the day at work and Larni snapped at me and I don't know why I started working at this place.  Why did I tell my friend I would work at he store last Frieday - why did I do that?  I'm just - I'm never going to be okay - why do I even bother?  Why am I ever bothering?  I right now - I don't know.  Tomorrow is a new day - a new day to feel sad and lonely and old and fat and have no dog and nothing to come home to.  I'm just so upset - I'm just so tired and upset and I can't do it.  It's just never going to happen for me - why can't I just accept it?  Why do I keep fighting and trying to live this stupid childish dream?  I'm so embarrassed.  I just want to die again isn't that terrible?  Well I'm cryng maybe that's good - it will pass right?  I twill pass and I will wake up and lie to myself that I can be something and people will love me and respect me and whatever.  None of which matters right?  It's supposed to be me nd God?  One of my neighbors just cam ehome and I was crying and they slammed their door.  Do you know I am taking it personally that they din't shut their door in sucha way that I could tell they felt sorry for me?  I don't even know that neighbor - never even seen their face.  Well I guess I don't want to die now - suddenly - I cried it out I guess.  I don't really think I can go another full week of working without a day off.  I really don't know if I can do it.  I guess I will just take tomorrow - tomorrow.  I love you Bluebie - I guess as long as I have internet and electricity - I always have you.

NO doesn't love me.

So there you go - or he's not that into me.  He's stressed out - sad or whatever - I'm not even kidding you - before anything has even begun - I already feel sorry for him.  So there you go that's not happening at all.  Unreal.  Why is it unreal?  I'm so fucking tired and I gave myself a horrible rash trying to get rid of this skin fungus.  I'm up early to go to work brunch again - horrifying.  I worked brunch yesterday and then I went and did a show.  The show was fun - I was myself so it was funny but it was also - ugh - I'm such a mess.  Oh well.  Anyway - so on the way home the train was super crowded - it was unreal actually so I was uncomfortable and I felt sorry for myself.  I was thinking how sad I am I'm not dating anyone, I never go on vacations, I haven't been taken out in forever - and how I'm so unhappy because no one loves me - blah, blah, blech.  Then it occurred to me that if I want to feel good and have nice experiences, and not work so much and so hard that I'm miserable then I need to be responsible for that.  It sort of stopped my misery thinking in its tracks.  I mean - I had to really take that in.  I feel the same way I felt after I read that book  "He's Just Not That Into You."  There is such a freedom in being responsible for my own care on every level buy UGH - there is still that babyish part of me that just wants someone to SAVE me already.  But then I hate them.  Ugh - so fucking annoying.  Now I'm not going to have a day off till next Saturday and then I'm filming something which is so wonderful but I'm about to break down.  I mean - so I guess I have to think about this.  I want romance in my life but my legs are so hairy.  I said bye to NO last night as I was leaving work and he said bye but I just couldn't turn around and look at him.  Am I a pussy - I don't know - I just - ugh - sadness.  Total sadness.  I think I just have to accept I'm meant to be alone.  I don't know - I really don't.  I love you Bluebie - off to serve so much coffee and eggs.

Mizz Profoundly Miserable

That's my friend - she is such a turd.  She doesn't mean to be - I know she doesn't but she is - just fucking miserable.  Her misery is biting also - she's a dumper - she dumps!!  She just dumps her misery and is sarcastic and she's a turd - whatever - it doesn't matter.  The crazy part is - that that's how I used to be with guys.  I did!!  I thought it was okay - that they were there to wait on me, love me, listen to me be miserable, bring my stuff to the bank, run my errands and just let me attack them.  Okay - this isn't nice towards myself - I need to stop.  I love myself!!  What?  I don't behave in these ways anymore and I work EVERYDAY to be a better, more loving person.  Yes.  Yeeeessss.  I'm going to do some loving work now - yes.  My heart is beating so fast!!  Focus on the love - FOCUS ON THE FUCKING LOOOOVE!!!!  Speaking of which - I love you bye.

Oh BOY.

That sounds so dramatic.  This blog is now going to become about me trying to get my comedy back - or not even back to be a fucking comedian I'm so annoyed.  I saw my friend last night and she was fearless and I promised myself I would be fearless tonight.  I worked on my set and I got nervous working on it because it's so dirty but I was like fuck it - here it is lots of people are dirty - I'm doing it.  I get to the show and there's a 16 year old girl, her Grandma and her fucking Aunt from Tennessee or whatever in the front row - OR COURSE.  There were also a bunch of teachers and I was like oh - maybe I could do what - all my teacher material - I have like one joke - NO.  So I was like - fuck it - I'm just doing it.  I do my material and then they end up walking out and to be honest my reaction to them leaving and them leaving was the funniest part of my set!!  UGH!!  So confusing.  I taped it and the worst part was them making other people uncomfortable but also - my jokes were just way to fucking long.  When I got to the punch lines - they laughed - that's it.  Whatever - part of me was happy I made them walk out - I stirred something in them so much they left.  Good.  Ugh - but here's the great part.  I WOULD NOT LET ME BEAT MYSELF UP!!  I came home, ate some healthy food, watched a T.V. show, took a bath.  That's it.  I self-soothed.  I went and did the fucking show and I was funny and I'm not apologizing for what I think is funny and I'm not going to feel ashamed about who I am - I'm fucking sick of it.  IT'S SO LAME.  Okay I am exhausted - I have to wake up and train someone at the store tomorrow and I have to finally do my laundry tomorrow night.  Blech.  Good night my sweet Blueberness.

Should be pricing jewelry but....

I just have to write how fascinated I am still by the way that show infused me with energy last night.  It was so much easier for me to do my get in to bed routine - floss, brush, take vitamins, do my yoga, take off my make-up, blah, blah.  SO much easier - it was amazing.  Okay - also - here is another thing.  I'm single right?  Ugh - right - well - anyway - yesterday I thought to myself - what if - what if I just loved myself (this is so gay - not really - sort of), just only cared what I think about me - let me love myself, give myself that freedom and just let go of all the rest of it??  I mean - look I'm not with anyone, no one has showed up and I just can't wait for someone else to feel loved and taken care of - it's too much work.  Isn't that crazy?  Can't I just take responsibility of it for myself?  Who cares?  Right?  I mean I want to have sex - SO much - right like you don't know that but - whatever - right?  I'm just going to transmute it all into my comedy.  Ugh - UGH.  That's it.  Okay - I'm sure I will change my mind but right now that's it.  I just have to be responsible for every part of me - that's it.  I'm sure there is great freedom in this right?  Oh my GOD I'm starving!  Time to eat my yogurt - love you Bluebie bye.

Serendipity.

I went after work to pick up my check and it took longer than I wanted it to and I did NOT want to go to the meeting I was planning on but for some reason - I did it.  I trotted my ass there and got to it.  Then I got to the bank right on time and then I walked to the train and on the way I walked by a comedy club and remembered Larni was performing and I went in and watched a really fun and inspiring show.  I just didn't do my laundry but this was SO much better.  It was so interesting to watch the craft and it was a huge show - there had o be 200 people there - holy shit on a Wednesday!  I have a show tomorrow night and on Saturday and now I have SO much more to work on.  Another woman from this new job was there also - watching Larni and she was talking about being fearful - and I was all like "Oh - what are you afraid of (like that's so fucking crazy right??)."  Then on my way home I was looking at my notes from my last show and my set list and so much of it was planned from fear.  Afraid of what to say - afraid of how I would be perceived - of being weird - lame - whatever.  EW.  He says in that book "Think & Grow Rich" that fear and your true desires can't exist together.  Something like that I'm SO tired - GOOD NIGHT BLUEBIE I LOVE YOU!.

100 percent useless today.

I'm just not good today - no amount of fear is working - I just have nothing to give.  I am surrounded by this pile of jewelry that I have been unable to deal with all day.  I spent most of the day obsessing over that man NO from work and now suddenly - I don't care anymore - I'm completely over it.  What the fuck is that?  I'm so tired - I need to pick up my check from that job because I don't mean to brag - but I sent out September's rent and I need that money.  I need to go home and do laundry and I feel like the only thing I should do is go to a meeting - I'm so off balance today.  I think I'm being hard on myself.  It's cold outside - it got really chilly and no one ever buys stuff in this beginning cold weather.  There must be some way I can get my check, get to a meeting and get home and do laundry.  And get to sleep at a decent hour.  Okay so my teacher called me last night before class - I had sent him a message and he called me about that - then he was really nice and said maybe I could be moving up a level basically to the master teacher - right?  So I was like "OH!!  Oh - great - then I will go to that class and he won't be my teacher anymore and we can fall in love finally and I can somehow miraculously get pregnant and have his babies and be famous and it will be amazing awesome and done."  You know I'm not even kidding that that was LITERALLY what I thought.  Okay then I get to class, there's a pretty new girl there, he's SOOOOO nice to her says "Hi" to me all normal and not special and when she walk out of the room he WATCHED her all - like that man way - and then sighed a big sexual sigh AND DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE HE WAS DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!  What the fuck is that???????  Ugh I am so mad we aren't getting married.  Jeez.  I'm fucking so sexually frustrated it's so annoying.  Okay - so - what's my list?  My man list?  I want a MAN, someone available,
nice
funny
sweet
super hot
sexy
FUN
likeable
kind
understanding
easy to be around
totally interested and INTO me
the real me
someone who is either super sober and working a great program
OR
someone just normal sober
romantic
hard worker
what?

Okay - so THAT'S MY CHRISTMAS MAN WISH LIST.  Bye Bluebie.

Man A.D.D.

My friend said I have man ADD - that I lose focus when it comes to the big picture.  Okay - so - so I need another list.  What do I want from a man?  Gross - well that's a bad start.  I want to have fun - I want to be excited and stimulated and have great sex - also I want to be able to chill and rest and - ugh - I just got tired.  I don't know.  I need to sleep bye.

Can't focus can't stop thinking about NO.

I googled him and he really is cute - I'm not making it up.  WHAT?  I had to look at pictures of him to decide if he's attractive?  YES - yes I DID.  I am hot for NO.  He likes Asian women - that's not going to work out - I'm the exact opposite of an Asian woman.  It's super fun to be attracted to someone though - for sure.  I simply can't focus right now at this store.  A huge order of jewelry cam ein that I need to check super carefully and it's taking me forever.  I wonder if I could just have sex with NO - am I capable of doing that?  I know the answer is NO - but I'm still going to ask anyway.  It would be so fun.  If I could do that.  Okay well I have work to do for class also - I need to focus - ugh.  Maybe if I write in my journal that will help.  I brought my ukulele - okay - OKAY - I wrote a song last night when I got home from work - I like it!!  Okay - love you Bluebie.

My manager is so hot.

There is this sexy, hot Italian manager at this new job - he's sooooo cute.  He's got that crazy Italian accent Oh My GOD.  I keep hitting on him but I think I'm scaring him.  What should I call him??  Sexy Balls?  That's gross - no - noooo.  I should just call him NO because it is a terrible idea.  He has been divorced twice and he has nervous thums.  His thumb nails are nervous.  I'm pretty sure he is missing a tooth in the back also but so what?  Maybe they don't need all their teeth in Italy.  He's so sexy and WARM.  Ugh - that combination always gets me.  Yeah - that combination and any other fucking combination of man.  OH I AM SO TIRED.  I just rubbed apple cider vinegar all over myself to try and get rid of these white spots all over my skin.  I need to sleep.  I am working for the next 2 weeks straight almost.  I was going to have one day off this week but I picked it up from the boutique - I need the money.  Whatever - it seems so easy there now that I work at this new job that is SO HARD.  Yikes - all good - I went to a meeting after work today, got a piece of pizza, came home, cleaned the bathroom, watched the last episode of breaking bad and cleaned up a bit.  What else?  Oh!  Talked to my new sponsor!!  She was/is great.  Very good - very structured - I LIKE IT.  Almost as much as NO.  He's soooo cute and warm and he's got hese seeeexxy green eyes - holy shitballs.  He asked me what my work number was so he could cash me out and I was like "917...."  HA.  Whatever - I will get over it.  I have class tomorrow my life is slightly less boring I guess?  Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Just blech.

I'm fucking exhausted and I'm soooooo sore - my body hurts and I'm miserable.  What the fuck am I doing?  This is - just - I don't know - I'm so tired.  I worked a double yesterday - a looooong one and then I got to work at 9:30 a.m. this morning - and  was late.  I worked till almost 6:00 and I'm exhausted.  I went right to a meeting and then got some groceries, came home, got more groceries and - what?  I don't know - ate some food, did some dishes, washed my shirt and did my nails.  I'm going to bed.  This job makes me feel so old - which is ironic since I am.  What?  Good night - I'm grateful to have 3 jobs - 4 if you count acting & comedy which should be the only one.  What?  Bye Bluebs.

Runnig Friday.

I ran around all fucking day.  I got to work at 9 - worked until 6.  Made phone calls, stopped and wrote for awhile for the show I did tonight and went to therapy.  Ran to class - worked for 45 minutes - ran to the show - got right up onstage - came home.  UGH - um - what???  Now I have to be at work at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow so I'm going to get about 5 hours of sleep.  Which will be - what?  I don't know - fine??  I know people that only get 4 hours of sleep but HOW?  I don't even drink anymore and I'm ready to fall over.  They fixed the tub today so hopefully my crazy downstairs neighbor will stop banging on my door - what a crazy pants.  Whatever I get it - I reeaaaally do.  I'm glad I won't be leaking into his apartment anymore.  So - so long day tomorrow.  I don't have a very good feeling about the store - I just am so nervous that she never talked to me about being late and she never came in - or called.  She just expressed her concern and rage with my friend.  I have another job now - so I guess - I just LOVE working a that store and getting dressed up and making the window - I'm GOOD at it.  Ugh - operation get my shit together is what is happening - I have to be on time to work.  Newest goal - on time to all jobs - all the time.  I got paid for the show I did tonight!!!  How FUN is that??  I was confused by the audience.  I need to go to sleep - love you Bluebie!!

Think and Grow Rich.

That's the book I'm reading right now.  Do you know what is so crazy about this book??  I really thought it was going to be so hardcore about finances - and I don't know - about stuff I don't know about with money.  Like how to take care of it and make it - ha.  Not ha - I'm not laughing why did I say ha?  Anyway this book is SO spiritual!!  It's all the same stuff - negative thoughts attract negativity - to act from fear and ask for what you want while fearful just attracts - nothing basically - or at least not abundance.  Then it talks about how important healthy sexuality is - and how to transmute ones sexuality into financial abundance.  Um - it's confusing - I guess - well anyway so - there you go.  What?  I did 2 shows last night and before the second one this comedian asked me why I would have wanted to get back into this life - ha- he was like "Where you not miserable enough?"  Honestly though - I have missed it so much - running around - talking to strangers - writing jokes and being able to get shit off my chest in a funny way???  What!!  It's great therapy.  A waaaaasted guy hit on me before the show and it was - so - not attractive.  Then there was a drunk girl during the show.  Both made me sad.  I mean I really wanted to slip that girl a note with my name and number on it - she was - just - waaaaaasted.  The whole show was about her.  She was with a guy who picked her up at the bar and he was so annoyed.  Oh - oh I just feel so grateful that I'm not doing that anymore.  Yesterday I was questioning my new sponsor - you know - because for some reason I was thinking having 3 different sponsors in one year wasn't enough.  Anyway - she was great yesterday but still I was questioning - then I went to a random meeting that was really hard to get to and sort of tucked away on the weird street and guess who was there?  Of course - my new sponsor.  So - so that seemed like a sign.  That's the other thing he talks about in this book - the use of our sixth sense.  So bizarre.  I'm completely intrigued and also wondering if this guy is a nut job.  It's been a bestseller for years - so.  So what?  I don't know - who cares - I love all that shit and anything that helps me to be less negative and angry is only good as far as I am concerned.  I'm at the store it is soooo quiet today.  That's nice I guess.  Someone knocked on the door when I was in the shower - was it the porter or was it my neighbor?  I realized if I don't shut the faucets of the shower off super tight - they drip and then it leaks over the top of the tub.  Uh oh - did I shut them off really tight today?  Bye Bluebie - I love you!!

Well and so it goes on.....

I had a dream the night before last night - of one of my parents dog's coffin - unearthed and the coffin was broken and you could see the dog inside.  It was unearthed from something like a flood - you know - so the earth was sort of dried but with the form of what would have been recently wet earth.  Okaaay - so that freaked me out and THEN yesterday my friend told me he had his bank accounts frozen and they were taking money for an old credit card from 17 years ago that wasn't even his.  THEN IREMEBERED A CREDIT CARD I NEVER PAID OFF AND I THOUGHT IT WENT AWAY.  Guess what???  It didn't.  I had to call a bunch of numbers and do some research but I found it and now I'm taking care of it.  So I guess that's what the dead dog's coffin was.  What made me think that is just WENT AWAY????  Denial I guess.  Gross.  I had called Her Lady Wonder and asked her about what to do and she was SO nice.  So helpful and so kind.  Well so I also learned I got a fine for not going to Jury Duty 9 years ago too.  Well - okay - so - so my shit is a mess right now but at least I'm taking care of it.  I don't know - okay - well - I need to go to a meeting after the store today and then I have 2 shows.  Then I have a double tomorrow, work Friday and a double Saturday and Sunday.  Listen - I don't have anything else to do - so why not just work my ass off for a little while and get my shit together - right?  I'm sitting here thinking and my answer is - because who the fuck wants to work that hard???  Well guess what - someone who wants to take care of their shit and clean up their past.  Ugh - whatever - so annoying.  I'm so judgmental towards one of my sisters who has money problems and how the fuck am I different??  I'm not.  I'm so totally not.  I used to take cabs when I had to go 8 blocks.  So - fun - more clarity!  Great.  Well - I need to go and figure out this weekend.  And my sets for tonight - byeeee Bluebie.