Saturday, October 30, 2010

Oh dear

I'm upset all of a sudden. Or I'm just upset right now for this particular reason I'm going to talk about. What the fuck am I doing? Seriously - what the fuck am I doing? I'm so not doing anything for comedy, acting or living. I'm suddenly completely frustrated and do you know what I was obsessing about before?? Making enough money tonight to buy fucking boots that I don't even know if they will look good on me AND they are $200.00. Am I fucking kidding me?? Fuck - I'm jealous and confused of people who are living and performing and OUT THERE. Christ. I got so mad at work last night that I called the bartender an asshole. I was like - "You know what? You're an asshole - fuck you." Then I found out he had a baby earlier in the day. How the fuck was I supposed to know that?? Then he said sorry later (because he ate my table's pizza and that's what started everything) and then I started crying and he showed me a video of the baby and she's beautiful. And I'm jealous that he gets to have a baby. Ugh - I'm lonely. And I have to be honest (not that you are asking me to be) - I am worried I am going to be lonely and alone for a long, long time - like forever. That maybe my dreams won't be realized and that the highlight of my week and weekends will consist of me buying things or making enough money to eat what I want for the week. I need my power back. Sometimes I confuse desperation and aggression with power. Inside of myself. I really do. I think because I'm going fast and pushing and all FAST I think I'm in my power or in some way going to 'get what I want.' I believe that real power is not aggression based. I'm already tired. You are an amazing listener Blueberry. Bye bye for now.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Jury Duty is done!!!

The case was resolved!! I got out of Jury Duty by actually going to Jury Duty. Now I'm done for at least 6 years. It took 12 for me to serve in the first place but I did it. One more marker on the road to growing up. I'm soooo grateful it worked out like that as I was stressing out so so SO much. Anyway here's what is going on. I finished reading a play that - let's see I was going to call her Wonder Fabulous but she's so delicate. Lady La Paon - yes - that's what I will call her - I LOVE that name - she writes plays and I finally finished one last night and I loved it!!! I am so impressed. I am amazed and inspired that someone can actually finish something!!! And it's GOOD. I would actually love to use some of the monologues in it - that hasn't happened in years. YEARS. So I'm also - what? I don't know - on my way to the park to play a dead body in a video and it sort of makes me nervous so I'm trying to make fun of it. I feel so much better knowing that Jury Duty is done. I need to get in the shower and walk the dog. This is a boring post buuuuut I will be back with more drama and strife FOR SURE!!!! Love you Blue.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Holy SHIT

I went to Jury Duty and I have to go back Thursday and see if they need me for a trial that will be a long one. That sounded vague. I will go and see Thursday and until then I am going to try to enjoy my days off and get my shit together. Here's what I learned today while in sobriety, healing and growing up. The first is that it isn't always fun to do the right thing nor is it exciting or even interesting. It is however a thousand times better than the alternative which makes me sick. I was grumpy today and things didn't particularly work out how I wanted them to but it was so much better than being wasted or even just hiding. I went and got a gelato cone - my favorite flavor which is malted milk ball - and guess what? NOT A SINGLE MOTHER FUCKING MALTED BALL. Not ONE!!!! I couldn't believe it. I kept eating the cone thinking it would be so funny if there was only one and I got down tot he bottom and NOT ONE. What was I going to do - ask for another cone? The girl told me she was new and the manager looked like she was in trouble from the owner - or something like that - and I just decided it was still delicious anyway. And it was. I went to therapy and that was so great and after therapy I went and got DVDs of me performing from years ago. WOW. Not as awful as I thought and in fact - I can be present and as a DOUBLE fact I'm not as shy as I thought I was!!!!!!! Guess what else?? I'm always a little bit dishonest - a liiiiittttle bit not quite totally telling the truth because I'm afraid of it. Afraid that I won't get what I want if I don't manipulate the truth to be how I want it to be or how I think it should be. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE DISHONEST AND IT'S SUCH A TURN OFF. So what the fuck - WHO cares?? Who cares what the truth is - it is what it is. All these things seem so profound to me and then I start writing on here and I get embarrassed. Of course honesty is the best and most interesting thing but it is also really hard to get to for me sometimes. I just don't want to do the extra effort of really getting down with the truth. I want to float at the top all up in my head and be all bull shitty. Well fucking BARF. I can't KNOW that and then do it - right? All of this stuff that is coming out of me - I'm detoxing. I'm detoxing from bad food now and I'm detoxing from all this emotional CRAP that I have been carrying around with me. All these negative thoughts, ideas and weights. Just weights and bags full of garbage. Wow. I feel like I am going through withdrawals again - it's so crazy. I really do. I need to be nice to myself - really, really nice to myself. These really feels like I am breaking off a layer around myself. A crusty, rusty, STIFF and gross shell. WEIIIRRRDDDD. I need a good night's sleep. Thank you for being here Blueberries and Dreams. Maybe I can really dream again. Talk to you tomorrow!!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Happy Sunday

Blogg - it's almost Monday. I've had quite a day. A good day actually. I got to sleep late and Cretona didn't wake me with the type writer. Then I walked the dog and went to the meeting and I shared which I was so scared to do but I'm glad that I did. Anyway then I went to get some groceries and I got myself a nice piece of salmon and some rice and came home. I talked to Her Lady Wonder, watched Step Up and then walked the dog again. Sounds lame but considering how upset I was after work last night it seemed an amazing feat. I have no idea how to spell that word and I can guess for sure that it isn't 'feet.' Anyway I chatted with an old friend last night and she was so sweet - very supportive of my artistry. THEN I spoke with another friend tonight who was also supportive. I have jury duty in the morning and I wish I could say more and be more profound or interesting but I'm tired and I need to go to bed. I think the overall lesson to this blog entry is that I love dance movies and I always will. Um - I also am so grateful that I walk away now when I get filled with rage. Most of the time anyway. Okay - I love you Blueberry Blog.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Hi Blog

Ahh - I wrote Blogg by mistake and I like the way that looks. Blogg. Haaa- that will be my secret name for YOU on my Blueberry Blog - Blogg. Okay - anyway - I shot another film yesterday and it was really fun and it came out great. It was tricky also - we started on the 7th floor and ended up in a garden - all in one shot. Amazing. So anyway - here's the ridiculous thing that is happening. I talked on here about how I don't need a guy or attention - or maybe I just said a guy AND one of the men who I like - let's call him Sweet Fingers - I was thinking maybe he did like me after all and guess what?? NOPE. Wrong again and even worse - I CARE. Christ. I am ridiculous. And now writing this I feel a little sick in my stomach. I really just wish I could empower myself and not care what people and especially MEN think about me. Not in a mean, bitchy way - in a healthy way. A "focused on me, my art and well being" way. Oh my goodness. It's really distracting. Well - I don't know what else to say. I feel stupid and a little sad. How come no one ever like me back that I like. Or how come no one HOT ever likes me. Haha - that's funny. Funny that I think that way and that I'm writing about this when I was all - NO MEN FOR ME!!!! Well I guess it's time to get back to that original idea. Was I just saying that so a man would come around??? Like a threat to the Universe? Well if I was being passive aggressive it backfired big time!!! I have things I need and want to do ttoday and it's also a work night. Oh Blueberry my heart is so fickle and desperate. What a way to be. Bye for now - I love you. YOU I love - I know with all my heart and soul.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Guess what???

I put together a bookshelf by MYSELF!!! I even put the back on backwards and unscrewed the 40 screws and then put it back on the right way. It also still has another piece up top that is on backwards but honestly I would have to take the WHOLE thing apart and I can't do that. I mean it literally won't come apart. Anyway I like the little quirk of it - I did it and I love that funky backward piece. I know it sounds ridiculous that I put together a bookshelf but I never thought I could do something like that without a guy. It's HUGE!!! Holy shit and it also had tons of screws and tons of "cam lock system" things and it all seemed so male and abstract. But I loved doing it - it was fun!! It was like baking only with furniture. Also the last time I TRIED to put together a little dresser I ended up super gluing the whole thing shut - permanently. But I also got high in the middle of making it. Oh boy - I just realized while putting the bookshelf together that I'm not dumb - I was just drunk and high for a long time. So I am more grateful than ever to be sober and to be able to do really kind things for myself. I also tested my own blood type and it turns out I'm O positive which is soooo fascinating to me. I naturally have always wanted to eat the way that it recommends for my blood type to eat. It just seemed so weird. Also - I should be exercising A LOT more and A LOT more vigorously. It's helping put another piece of the puzzle together. The puzzle of me that is. That sounds obnoxious. It was fun doing that test also. I had to prick my own finger and mix blood on this thing called an Eldon Card. So weird and awesome. I always loved doing science experiments. So anyway I'm doing okay and I'm growing and healing. I'm much better after going to therapy Monday and when I got home the bookshelf was here (in the box) and Cretona had carried it up the 4 flights of stairs for me. That was so nice of him!!! I said thank you 2 different times. So I love you blueberry - talk to you soon!!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Cretona woke me up again today

this time with a combo talking loudly up and down the stairs, banging the dryer door in the laundry room, turning on the stereo AND playing the piano. All at 10:00a.m. And I didn't get to sleep until 4:00 a.m. and by the time he started playing the piano I lost my shit. I threw my pen at the door to my room like 5 times and that made him turn off ONE of the stereos he was playing music on. I didn't realize at that point that he was playing music in 2 rooms (yes plus the piano). Why don't I say anything? I really have no idea what to do. I live in a HOTEL - he has to wake up early to give the guests breakfast and by 10 I guess it feels like 3 in the afternoon? I'm really tired though and I just get filled with venom when I am awoken that way and then it ruins my day. I am all fucked up in the head right now. I already wrote in my journal and I tried to calm down and it didn't work. i walked the dog, went and got eggs and more coffee and I feel like I smoked pot. the rage is like a drug - a drug I didn't want to take. When I came back with my eggs I turned down one of the stereos so right now it's quiet. This isn't funny at all - I'm getting crazy from not enough rest. I talked to myself the whole time I was walking the dog and getting eggs. I'm walking around by myself in Harlem pissed off and talking to myself about him. Because of course as soon as he sees me he wants to CHAT and acts all wounded and hurt that I can't even look at him. If I LOOK at him I will shoot venom out of my eyes and/or FREAK THE FUCK OUT which is NOT A NEUTRAL thing to DO!!!!! I feel like I'm losing this battle with myself. I'm being so hard on myself and I feel like my day is ruined and I don't know. He is probably trying to drive me crazy so I will leave. Well on a positive note I have made it through 12 notebooks reorganizing my jokes. That's a good thing although it's really hard to read these journals and see how crazy I got. How and where it really started to go wrong. Maybe I just can't be honest as a person. I'm going to work on this next notebook - what is the cleaning lady joke?? I can't for the life of me figure it out (remember it) and it's on tons of the joke lists. Bye Blue.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Oh Sunday

oh. I am so tired - I really am. Work was so hard last night and not very busy. And creepy pants didn't seat me well so I didn't make very much money. Okay - in reality I made enough money but for how hard it was - and for the fact that he manipulates it - it just ENRAGES me. Plus he's - just - gross. I don't know what to do except talk to my therapist about it and I guess I will go to my manager who won't do anything about it. This is what bothers me the MOST about it - eventually he is going to do more and more and MORE shady things. He manipulates and is dishonest and - he fucks with my money. I can't stand it and I can't stand that he takes advantage the way he does. I was hoping I would wake up today and come up with some kind of solution - or at least not be as upset. But of course Cretona woke me up twice - the first time after I only had 5 hours of sleep - and the second after I had about 7 - total. Waking up angry is so awful - so totally awful. I told my manager that I named him Johnny Rocket and he said he wants to be Wolfgang. So I know Wolfgang would say something to creepy pants (who doesn't even deserve to have capitalization) but I don't think it will do any good. I don't have the right attitude and why am I focusing all my energy on this?? BECAUSE IT'S MY JOB and I deserve to make money. Ugh - I made plenty of money - enough money and I can work tonight and hopefully have enough till Thursday. Okay - I have enough till Thursday. I need to focus on something else. I need to get my writing done - I need to focus on my art and I need to focus on what I want. I have to get positive and look at what I want. Move towards good. Move towards health. I can take care of myself this week for sure. I can start swimming and go to therapy and write and go to meetings. I can also do some drawings and love love LOVE BIG. Turn this anger into love. Okay - I have to get ready for work. Love. I'm focusing on love. Please love. Wonder Love. Yes. I sound crazy. Crazy with LOVE!!! Oh boy.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I set off the fire alarm at work last night

And 5 fire trucks came and the whole time I was freaking out because the sound of the fire alarm is one of those old fashioned clanging clang clang ones and it kept happening and it was physically freaking me out. Everything we were taught in schools was to run when you hear a fire alarm. Then I find out that I DID IT with putting my wet umbrella on the electrical system box in the office and I guess it shorted out the system and made the alarm go off over and over again. There were fire trucks lined up all up the block. And the whole time I'm like "Hi - how are you - it's a 2 drink minimum" to my customers. My boss was so mad at me. How was I supposed to know that if you put a wet umbrella on that thing it could short out the system??? And in all fairness I had closed the umbrella and put it back in it's sleeve. I was trying to be as neat as possible!!! It was really raining last night though - pouring. Sooooo that's when I say - oh - the universe does not ever want me to take myself seriously - EVER. He said he would get over it by today. What do I call my boss?? He's a really great guy and he deserves a great name. Johnny Rocket. Okay so Johnny Rocket is a great guy and he's really funny also and so NOT creepy and so I feel terrible but I'm not sure what I can do to make it up to him so - well - how awkward. How has no one ever done that before?? I didn't even know that that was an electrical system. Well anyway on a second note I feel so much better physically. I think I might be almost detoxed. I really think I might be!!! Plus all the walking I started doing and I started to drink green tea - I think all of that helped to clear out my system. I can still feel something in me but I really do feel soooooo much cleaner. I signed up for the YMCA near me so I can swim also!!! I'm so excited about that!!! Okay - gotta go get some eggs!!! Thanks for listening Blueberry!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wowzers

Holy cow - wow - I am - I guess I'm overwhelmed. I have (I think) figured out 2 things in the last few days. 3 things. I for sure am not meant to be with a guy right now and FOR SURE not the ones who I think I should be. It's not happening and I can tell in my gut it's not what I'm meant to be focusing on. So that leaves the second things which is I am definitely interested in getting my creative flow going again and I'm working more towards that. However I'm not sure what it is supposed to be that I'm doing creatively but I have started to write some things down. As a side note I would like to say that all the self-care that I am doing is helping me so much it's unbelievable. It is also so time consuming it's unbelievable. Maybe with time I will get more used to it and I will be able to do it all more quickly and with less effort? It feels great and it settles my stomach and fills my heart. Okay so here are so far the things I have written on sticky notes that I can be doing creatively for money and that I would LOVE to do anyway.
1. Raw Food Maker/Nutritionist (I hardly ever eat raw food and I love to cook but I find the movement fascinating)
2. Become an Oceanographer (The ocean and the life within it has always fascinated me)
3. Write Children's Books (I have always loved them and this idea first came to me when I was in Teaching School)
4. Jingle Writer (I'm not sure that's a job anymore)
5. Commercial Maker and Producer
6. Visual Artist (I love making things and I love visual art)
7. Photographer (I have discovered a LOVE for being behind the camera - it's fascinating capturing moments)
8. Novelist (Short stories, young junior, adult - I'm not sure)
9. Comedian/Actress
10. Something Awesome and thrilling and - exciting and filled with passion and intrigue.

Okay so so far that's all I've got. I only have a degree in teaching and art and that isn't on my list. It just doesn't excite me. I would so love a sandwich right now. Holy cow or some Pad Thai with shrimp. I would most definitely eat it without the shrimp. I'm exhausted. Bye Blue.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I want eggs

Eggs are so good - I love eggs. Almost anyway you or I can prepare an egg I like except for soft boiled or sunny side up. Those are revolting ways to eat eggs. I sort of want to describe all the foods I love with eggs in them - like cakes, cookies, souffles, chicken dishes that use eggs for dipping so the crumbs stick to the chicken, lasagna (the way my mother makes it), Caesar salad dressing (THE REAL KIND). I guess I did. I just opened the window and someone is honking their horn so loudly that it is completely distracting me from my egg list. I'm exhausted. I worked 5 nights in a row and last night was too much. There is a new bartender at work who is such a scumbag nasty, sarcastic, AWFUL AWFUL turd that I can't even believe it. And of course he replaced a wonderful sweetheart so it makes him seem even worse. Oh and not funny. I can really forgive - NOW WITH THE PIANO!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!! the landlord is gone and Cretona has taken to typing downstairs where I can't hear it but he still plays that fucking piano - whenever he wants. Okay let's face it - whenever I don't want him to - which is always. I NEVER want to listen to him play - EVER. now I'm playing my itunes music - which I want to blast like I did yesterday - Christ - so immature. I used to play Ke$sha whenever he or the landlord would play their music - but I can't listen to her anymore. I just want to write. I want to write and let this stuff out of me. Why doesn't he leave the fucking house and go talk to someone??? Then he wouldn't need to make noise so that he feels like he exists. He hasn't worked since I have known him. 3 years almost we have lived together and he has never had a job except when he goes "on tour." I actually laughed when I wrote that. Who cares - he can do whatever he wants - good for you Cretona - don't work - hooray for you - just stop invading me with your mediocre music playing. Fuck - I'm an asshole. So this guy at work - let's call him - Turd Bucket - no, no - that's too nice of a name. I have to think for a second. His real name is so ridiculous and he has no sense of humor about it. He also is one of those - I won't tell you how old I am people. I can forgive almost anything if you are funny. And if he was such a douche that it was funny I would love him. But no - he's just a biting, sarcastic weasel who is vulnerable. He is so clearly desperate for money and he's gross. He makes my left shoulder blade feel funny and whenever that happens the person is usually - not okay. Not okay at all. Okay - and here's what happened. My manager asked about a comic who is new to performing there and I was like "oh - he's funny actually!!" And this Turd Bucket goes (and it's his second real shift basically) "Oh - well hey everybody - She thinks he's funny - so he must be!!" But really sarcastic and really nasty. To be fair - on one hand he's right - who the fuck am I? The Comedy Police??? The Comedy Guru?? And he doesn't know me at all and I suppose it sounded dicky on my part. I don't know what else to say. But I love comedy (I'm not proud of that) and I love writing and this guy is a great writer that I was talking about. So I made a really weird face to Turd Bucket and an awful sound and my friend the other bartender laughed. So then Turd Bucket goes - oh I'm sorry - I will give you a big embrace later. CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE??? He wants to hug???? I don't think so Turd - you are done. SO I said (in response to the embrace comment) "No you won't - please don't - thank you anyway." And then my manager laughed. But I wasn't laughing - I was pissed. And hurt!! How silly is that?? My feelings were hurt. He keeps talking to me like I'm an idiot - and then he basically said I was one and then he thought he could "embrace" me??? Fuck off Turd Bucket - you are a NOT funny douche who is clearly in a lot of pain and I can't imagine it's going to get any easier for you. Ugh - my poor ego - so wounded. I have to seriously talk to my therapist today about this. It's not healthy. There has to be a way to deal with this because I get upset when I get like this. And I had been to such a great meeting before that. And I learned an amazing lesson. I got jealous while I was at the meeting - I picked up on an attraction between 2 people and I got SO upset at first. But then I realized how much it pulled me away from myself - the jealousy. It felt like if I was buying something I couldn't afford or drinking or smoking pot. And it had NOTHING to do with me - AT ALL. And it also was nonne of my business. It was relly mind blowing and freeing. I was like - who cares?? So what - this isn't about me - this is just a way for me to stop focusing on myself and on the fact that I have things I need to do to take better care of myself. I'm not sure if I'm making sense or if I'm saying quite how profound it was to me. I have always been so jealous and it has always been so distracting. And painful and not helpful to anything. And it is the perfect way to focus on other people and stop focusing on the work I need to do on myself. Then I get to work and Lollywhamper who has discovered she has a gluten allergy (and talks about it ALL the time) is eating a sandwhich and I was like "Does that have glutten in it??" And she goes - "What the fuck is your problem - I can't eat anything around you with out you asking me if it has gluten in it - no it doens't have gluten in it!!!" And then THAT hurt my feelings because I think I might be allergic to gluten and I told her that - in a very offended, emotional way which was not eefective at all and I was so upset. I think when I get tired I get really aggressive and I get a nasty face on or something. Now I'm going to beat myself up because I work with some douches and live with selfish people? I need to walk the dog and get eggs. I love Dexter and thanks to one of the wonderful OTHER girls I work with I have been able to continue watching him. I do work with soem fantastic people also. Lots of great people. Why do I keep seeing x's?? Because x marks the spot?? I'm so tired. Bye - sorry for being such a grumpy mess. Maybe I will feel better after therapy. P.S. I just put so much effort into talking about WAITRESSING. FUUUUUUuuuuuuuuCCCKKKKK.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Cretona woke me up with the piano today

Haha - the kid is such a douche. It was 10 - is that early?? Maybe that is a reasonable time to start playing the piano badly and loudly. I turned the fan on and as soon as I stopped thinking negatively about him I was able to fall asleep. As soon as I stopped fighting the energy I was able to relax and go back to sleep. Then - A LONG while later when I woke up and turned off the fan I heard (even before I turned off the fan but it didn't wake me) the Guzcheng and the piano together. Really loud and really awful. You just can't hide your angst when you are letting God through you. That doesn't make any sense. I mean it's awful because it sound so angrily done and they don't play the instruments well. But I have to say it's amazing that they do it. The are able to be LOUDLY creative consistently. I kind of respect that. I'm trying to love bigger than all the things I dislike. Trying to see it from a larger more loving picture. I'm able to remove myself from it and it having anything to really do with me that way. Also it's more amusing. I actually stopped myself from talking shit at work last night. I was pissed too - it would have been a great rant. But I let it go and did my job and now - I think maybe I'm not so sure about what I was going to rant about. Maybe the person just takes care of themselves. I need to do that now - from a good place. Sharpen my senses. I'm so tired I sound crazy. My real self wants to lay down and be the victim OR be the most special one that everyone caters too. OR just not take care of myself in GENERAL and someone else does it while I sulk in the corner or perhaps the bathtub. I like to not really pay attention and guess at what is going on around me (using my gut type thinking) and then get angry, gossipy and ultimately wounded and not get what I want. TIME FOR A ROLE CHANGE HUH????? For real. I'm soooo tired but thanks to my fan I got some well needed sleep. OH and Blueberry I got the cutest blue dress from Forever 21 yesterday. It's so cute and I think it was $22.50. Yes - it was - how fun is that?? I had lunch with my cousin in Soho and it was so fun. I kicked a ladies dog by mistake and I started laughing and some guy started to laugh also. I didn't hurt the dog - he was a fat little sucker. Anyway I love you and I will talk to you later. I will write at you later. Hmmmm - hmmmm - I don't know - I will see you later. Yes - that I will do!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

What a long amazing day!!

I felt better as soon as I went to the first half a meeting I went to. It was a business meeting but it was interesting and funny. I dyed my hair dark so of course I thought to myself how in some way I would not appear dingy to people and then proceeded to do dingy things PRONTO. But I like my hair and GUESS WHAT??? I (we - what do I call him?? Larny?? I can't remember) ran into GORGEOUS guy - also known as soft hugger!! And he said he liked my hair and it was soooo - SO sweet. Saying we ran into him is not accurate since Larny stopped him to say hello. I acted like a dork - I know that's hard to believe but we got a good laugh out of it - Larny and I. I'm not sure what sweetie thought but I think he could tell that I got so nervous I started to shake. Really?? Yup - really. Anyway - that was after we had lunch and then I went to meet someone else - another meeting - then went to another meeting that I thought was going to be a SMALL woman's meeting - seriously. And guess what?? Well over 200 people!! Of both sexes!! For real - it was insane but guess what?? I ran into a girl from the downtown scene who has as much time as I do and it was SO good to see her. Then like 30 of us went to eat - I walked to the train with another girl and got home and walked the doggie. For real - it was a long ass day. Yesterday in therapy I realized that if I use my energy I feel better and there is less energy for me to be mean to myself with. So - it was an okay day - an AWESOME day. I heart my new hair and all the new people I am meeting. I also stretched and walked a bit also. I need to sleep. I love you Blueberry. Thanks for listening.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Today is Monday and so far

I have talked to peeps about comedy and walked the dog, made my bed and had some food, coffee and vitamins. Whenever I say 'vitamins' in my head I like to say it with a British accent so it comes out with a soft i. "Viiiitamins" - it cracks me up. Anyway - I took some. I also called Her Lady Wonder already and I'm getting ready to go to therapy!!! Woo-hoo - she's back!!! I'm so tired from work and I also - okay - I'm not going to complain about it because I don't see what good it will do. I'm so grateful for the job. Anyway - I realized that I'm focusing on someone and what I'm doing is giving them WAY too much power. I would rather not say the name I would even make for this person - I would just like to say I would like to stop Transposing upon them (which I am for SURE doing) and I would like to stop giving them so much power. Stopping thinking about them in general would be key. Anyway I also forgot to put money into my bank account for Netflix and they cut that shit RIGHT off - right away. HOW SAD IS THAT??? More to the point - what the fuck is my deal with money?? Seriously - I have a really fucked up relationship with money. Fuuuuuuuuuucccckkkkkkk. It's so weird and I'm trying REALLY hard is the crazy part. I'm not crazy spending - I'm walking places - not taking cabs - not buying crazy to go food. Frustrating and embarrassing. Annoying and - childish. Okay - I will talk to you later. Bye!!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

How do I say this?

I'm not sure all I want to express - let's start with the most shallow thing first. I am upset that no one reads my secret blog that I don't tell anyone about. It's completely ridiculous and I'm guessing it's a positive sign that I want people to read this. That being said I'm still not telling anyone about it but I will continue to be annoyed that no one is paying attention to it. The second thing which is much less shallow/ridiculous but it seems - so odd. I feel so saddened by Greg Giraldo's death and so creatively inspired comedy wise also. I am so fucking inspired again - ugh am I?? That's the kind of comic and the kind of performer I wanted to be. The one that he was. I guess - is. His work lives on. I am ABSOLUTELY inspired to stay sober and to keep getting more sober. I feel so badly for him and his kids and mostly for HIM. He must have been in so much pain in order to either try to commit suicide or to be - using. I'm hoping he didn't suffer too much but if he was using - he was struggling emotionally - ugh - physically - in every way. I feel like a dick - I never really new him - I just know that life is precious and there is nothing like drugs and alcohol to make you feel the exact opposite. Or like life is a gift but maybe not yours. And I LOVED comedy and I LOVE the way he wrote and performed. I just never really was exposed to him until now. For the last few months when I would write in my journal and I would write down the date - I would write 10 for the month. SO many times. And I was like - why do I keep writing October?? Something is going to happen in October. Maybe my energy will be lifted in October. My spigot will open. My gush of creativity will pour forth. Maybe I will finally look to the future and stop staring at the past that I can do nothing about. Look towards what I want to be be - what excites me - thrills me - OPENS MY HEART UP WIDE. Do I sound like a a-hole?? Who cares - no one is reading this!! But I'm writing it and I'm so grateful for that. Happy October Blueberry Blog.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Huge revelation

I'm not sure how to spell revelation but here it is. I have thought for years that because I got so upset about 9/11, dudes, dudes and dudettes that I've never been able to "get back" the fighting edge - the DRIVE. Well I realized that because all that happened I have even MORE energy. I have to use all of it and I have not. I can't explain it right. The drive isn't gone - there is even more of it there and it's huge inside me. I hate Cretona - now he's running around slamming things. I don't hate him - sometimes he's even really fascinating - but he is a tool. A fascinating tool - how's that? Compromise. I have to go.

He's typing on the manual typewriter

It woke me up - which is not as rude as it sounds because I was awoken at 2 in the afternoon. I was so tired last night at work but I got upset with myself and so I couldn't sleep. Or I didn't know how to sleep. I didn't know how to be nice to myself and take care of myself after I behaved what I deemed inappropriately. I also - his typing is so loud. It's like I hear all his aggression and douche bagness all coming out when he hits the keys. He is typing on a medal outdoor table in the middle of the house. The open part of the house. It just echoes everywhere. I know I've written about this before. What did I name him - what should I name him? Dick. Haha - oh no - too obvious. Cretona. I will name him Cretona. What the fuck is that name? No. I swear that they WANT to wake me up sometimes. Well whatever - I was sleeping at 2 in the afternoon - that's ridiculous. But seriously I need to meditate and I so will not be able to with him doing that. By the time I stop Cretona should stop typing at his manual typewriter. I wonder what he's doing? FYI - he HAS a computer - it's not like he doesn't - he does. I can just picture him at the table typing and the vibrations from the table and the POWER he must feel while he is typing. He must feel SO mother fucking POWERFUL. It must feel good or why would he be doing it? So - my head hurts for real - I have headache. I'm still upset and confused by last night. I got a DVD player though so now I can get Netflix movies sent to me!! Oh and Blockbuster!! Fun!! How awesome is that?? SO AMAZING!! Okay - now as far as last night goes. Well yesterday was great and I managed to write for awhile. I found a bunch of jokes from a long time ago that are funny!! So okay - I will keep working on that. Thank you for being here - I'm sad I'm going but I need coffee.