Monday, February 27, 2017

Day 2734 - A New Day

I'm feeling a little sentimental.  I think.  I don't know really except I am feeling A LOT.  Happy, sad, in love, in my head but grateful.  But mostly I woke up today feeling okay and feeling amazed that it's a new day and that I want to take full advantage of this day because it's one I haven't lived before.  I never think like that but I did and am today.  It's fucking amazing.  I'm not sure why I'm having such a shift out of my normal rage and self-pity sandwich but - well I am.  I am not always in that space - I know but it's a big part of me.  It has changed so much since I have gotten sober and it continues to almost fade away.  Is fade the right word?  Or I am growing out of it.  It's fucking crazy - my thinking is actually changing.  It feels the weirdest science experiment only it's in my brain and involves God, or spirit or whatever you want to call it.  The power that isn't me.  I don't know.  Maybe I know?  I don't know.  Anyway I did that extra - I'm sorry - background work yesterday and woke up at 3:15 in the morning.  I managed to get there basically on time and man I was pissed.  We stood outside for over 8 hours and I had to keep reminding myself EVERYONE WAS OUTSIDE - not just me.  Even the stars of the show were outside.  Just standing there.  Okay and of course once I started to get on camera - someone moved me to the front - I stopped being so cold and I was like "Oh this is fun!"  Ha but also I had decided I wasn't going to do it anymore during lunch and decided to give the last half of the day my all.  They lit a car on fire over and over again so that was fun to see and watch.  The making of the show is super interesting when it involves stuff like that and hundreds of people.  Although - oh man I forgot what I was going to say.  I don't know.  Doing background work reminds me of waitressing.....everyone is desperate - well not everyone but a lot people and grabbing for food and then - ugh I don't know - it's an icky feeling and I would rather spend my time putting myself into work I love.  Also after I was on camera I felt the same way I felt when I would make a shitload of money waitressing - "Oh that wasn't so bad - I could do that again."  After I promised myself 4 hours before that that I would never do it again.  Yikes.  Oooooookaaaay - so.  I have to go and live the rest of this day - love you Bluebie bye!

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Brain Click.

I had a brain click.  Left side middle of it.  Oh I wonder what part that is - I'm going to look.  Well okay I guess I knew the left side of the brain is the logic side and it doesn't matter anyway - what matters is the click.  I was meditating and my brain started to wander - I started to think about some people.  I started to think negatively about these people.  THEN - then I really started to dig in to one person, really trashing her in my mind and I was going for it.  this by the way is not how I meditate - this is not my go-to for brain cleaning and relaxing - I was wondering off the path so to speak.  OKAY - so I'm really digging in to how and why this person was bad or what and then suddenly I felt this - click - I don't know how else to explain it - in the left middle part of my brain and it felt like something shifting over farther to the left.  As if I could feel the layers of brick in my brain being shifted out of place - to the left in like a zig zag pattern.  If I were reading this I would probably think "OKAY YOU FUCKING NUT BIRD - GET IT TOGETHER."  But - and this is what really counts - I think - it scared me out of the negative thinking and got me back to meditating. I was like "Wow - hole shit I have wasted hours, days and years of my life thinking negatively about different people and situations and IT HURTS MY BRAIN or at least it grooves it in a way I don't want it grooved."  I don't know.  It blew my mind.  I thought it was such a physical manifestation in my fucking HEAD telling me to stop being such a negatively thinking a-hole especially while I'm meditating.  Okay now it's 5 hours later after I started to write this.  I jogged on the treadmill, ate pizza with the guy and watched a movie.  I have to get up at 3:15 a.m. to go do extra work.  Whoa.  Anyway I don't want to have that brain click again so I'm really steering away from having such super negative, toxic thoughts about people.  I wonder who I will become since that is what occupies like 85% of my brain power.  Anywhooo gotta go to bed - love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Better.

I definitely feel better.  Being able to be here more in the apartment and cook and stuff has really helped.  What?  What does that mean?  It means I need as much time off as I work.  I just need so much recovery time and I need to be able to sleep, exercise, meditate and REST.  Also cook.  And DO DISHES.  Blech.  I cant stand doing dishes but it makes the guy so upset when I don't.  So I do them.  He does so much.  It's sunny out and that helps times million.  Also I have a home group here now so I see people every week and I'm reaching my hand out to people who are new or coming back so that helps.  I'm not just showing up at meetings trying to get something out of it - I am showing up trying to bring something to the meeting.  I need to lay down.  I didn't sleep well last night - I had too much coffee too late.  I always have these dreams where I am peeing someplace completely inappropriate - like a dressing room or something like that.  Like the floor of the dressing room.  Last night it was a massage parlor and I sat on the table and peed through the facehole.  While I was doing it I thought no one will notice this pee right?  Because there was carpet so I thought it would just go soak in and be gone.  Then some people walked in and I was like oh nothing to see here I definitely wasn't just peeing off the massage table.  Good lord.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Day 2725.

I made a mistake and mixed up the numbers of my days last post so I just fixed it.  I wonder if I have done that before.  HOLY SHIT I HAVENT WRITTEN FOR SO LONG!!!  Wow I have been busy.  I have had a fair amount of auditions, some call-backs and a few shows a week.  With the tutoring it has taken up my days.  Plus the guy.  I am feeling better.  I have been taking the holistic stuff the holistic doctor prescribed to me and well - so I feel a little better.  Last weekend the guy and I went away for our anniversary to the water.  That was fun and we stayed in this hotel that looked like the shining.  Haha it was hilarious.  All snowed in and cozy by the water.  We bought bathing suits and went swimming and went in the Jacuzzi - it was fun.  I was freaking out a little bit the whole time because it is super hard for me to relax even though I'm fucking exhausted all the time.  We had a nice time - we travel well together.  Today it is sunny and beauuutiful outside!  I went to my women's meeting and went to breakfast with the ladies afterwards.  I managed to ask for a salad instead of potatoes with my omelet.  How do I always spell that fucking word wrong?  Omlette is spelled omelet.  WOW - OKAY.  Anyway so now I have so much to do - I have lines to memorize and writing to do.  I'm getting sleepy but I'm not going to nap I'm going to do my work.  I booked a job.  I'm so terrified to even talk about it but I did.  I'm so fucking excited.  I'm doing a chemistry read this week and a reading - it's so exciting.  So I need to stay calm and do my work so I can be ready to do my shows, the podcast and work on that this week.  Okay so I do feel better although I'm obviously still so sad about my father and just missing him like crazy.  I didn't realize how much he called me.  Oh it's the saddest thing in the world and now I'm crying.  I still just keep thinking about what a nice death he had.  I feel like God gave him a beautiful death.  He had a lovely day with his family and was so excited about his birthday party.  He was in a good mood.  He went to sleep happy.  I just wish I got to say goodbye.  But then again how hard is that?  For him I mean?  Anyway I just try to let myself cry about it and then eat like a gallon of ice cream.  No I'm kidding.  I just am feeling it.  I hate writing this right now what in the fuck am I talking about?  I am feeling better but I am still heart broken over losing him so suddenly.  One of these days it will just be me remembering the good times right?  Okay I have to stop - I feel like I am just writing this and crying to avoid JOGGING.  Is that possible??  My subconscious is a lazy fuck.  Yuck.  Love you bye.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Day 2708

Ooof.  Okay wow - day 2708.  It's Wednesday - the political system is a disaster and Trump is proving to be just as horrible as people predicted.  Honestly I can't really talk about it.  I'm watching things and I'm aware of what is going on but I just don't want to get into it here.  For all the political people reading this blog!  Sigh it's awful.  Anyway I have been busy and trying to take care of myself.  My face slapping has ceased and I feel less hormonal.  I'm going to enjoy these 4 days of relief and keep taking care of myself.  I prayed and meditated this morning and worked on my audition for tonight.  It's sunny out and that always helps.  I'm trying to cut back on caffeine and drinking more tea.  I wonder if I could be more boring right now.  Anyway I love boring at home.  I love it!  Bring on the boring!  Calm and boring.  I just ate and now I want to fall asleep.  I just love sitting on this couch and working.  Okay I have to go.  Love you Bluebie bye.