Well my inner glasses need a new prescription - today.

My perception is off although right now as I sat down to write this post something shifted.  My guy got home from his meeting and I wanted to write so I got upset that he was home sooner than I thought he was going to be.  So then I did something amazing - I asked him if he could eat his snack in the kitchen and let me write this real quick.  He was like "Sure - did you put the sheets in the dryer?"  Which was so annoying and now is making me cry because it was so sweet.  I did put the sheets in the dryer and the kitchen is clean.  I cooked all day and then did all the dishes - cleaned the place mats and swept.  So it's nice and fresh in there.  He did the laundry.  We live nicely together and it's just really everything I ever wanted.  That and to be an actress - right?  A dancer and then a comedian.  I'm crying.  I'm so tired and I ate sugar this week and then I think I - wait I know I ate dairy twice yesterday and French fries and by today I just felt AWFUL in my head.  I am so effected by food.  But also I just can not - anymore work this career the way I have been doing it.  I will get sick again.  So I am at this fork in the road and I don't know what to do except stop doing what I have been doing.  I have no work lined up and it feels like I am invisible.  I know that's historical but - well - I don't know.  It also doesn't feel completely off either.  It's okay - it really is.  I feel badly from the food although I ate super healthy today and went jogging - I took really good care of myself.  Tomorrow is a new day in a new week and I can take great care of myself.  It's our birthday on Saturday and I guess that's a lot.  I am creeping towards that next age and it's big one!  But also it's almost 2 years since I found out I had cancer.  I just have to have faith and trust - trust myself and my talent.  Ugh I am going to say this and I know it's true although it's so hard to put into practice but I have to trust God.  Trust the Universe.  Trust there is something wonderful for me and it doesn't involve me hurting myself or forcing myself to do something that it takes me weeks to recover from.  Or that feels so gross.  God - how can I love him SO MUCH but listening to him each those chips makes me want to stab my thigh.  FUCK.  What a fucking BIZARRE challenge to be given.  God was like - "Hmmmmm I'm going to make you funny but also when people each crunchy food you will want to commit homicide.  Have fun working that out!!"  Alright - well next time I will have to ask him to eat his snack OUTSIDE.  Why can't I LOVE MYSELF when I get angry about this shit.  It bothers me and I don't know why and it doesn't mean I'm a monster.  I LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE ENRAGED.  Fuck.  Here is one giant side note - when I eat shitty food all of the hormonal stuff is ONE MILLION TIMES WORSE.  Awful.  I just have to slowly shift back away from it.  For me only me.  I have to go.  I did pretty good at not complaining till the chips.  SO MANY CHIPS.  Byeeee.

Hyper Sensitive

I'm hyper sensitive.  I knew this but now I know it again.  Fun!  Bye.

The Double-Edged Sword Of Arrogance

Did I spell edged correctly?  I guess so.  It never underlines the title when it's spelled incorrectly like it does the words spelled incorrectly in the body of the blog.  Woof.  Anyway.  So I a still having a hard time with this play blah blah blah.  This is what I realized this morning while praying and meditating.  I finally gave up trying to control alcohol right?  I surrendered - realized I can't have it ever unless I want it be my master and kill me.  Okay.  Sobering on many levels!  Now - now I have this other thing my alanon stuff that is trying to kill me.  I sat here thinking so many times in the last couple of weeks "I knew this guy was difficult and I just did the show anyway and if I had just not done it I wouldn't be here right now."  Okay yes but also - this was going to happen another time - show business people and all people are difficult.  This is what really helped - ready?  This is a little bonkers but last night we were watching Big Little Lies right?  Nicole Kidman's character is at the therapist and saying how she could have done something to not let her husband get pushed down the stairs or I don't know - that part I don't really remember BUT this is the part - the therapist says wow even in death the message is still the same - that you are responsible for your husband's horrible abusive behavior.  WOWOOWOWOWOW.  It just made me realize that I kept thinking I could have changed this all somehow but I couldn't have but more than that I didn't and it doesn't matter because that's how things go.  Work is work and sometimes it's difficult.  That's life!  I am not saying this guy is an abusive monster that I am working with - I am saying that I have 1. Felt like a victim of him and his craziness and 2. Thought I had some sort of power or control over it which I DONT.  Arrogance.  The alanonic arrogance.  That I can somehow make anyone or anything different other than myself.  I'm not in charge.  UGH.  But also - okay!  Relief.  Here's the other thing I learned this year from my sponsor - we are all waking hand in hand side by side right?  Equals.  So if someone else is unwell or whatever I don't know - got STUFF let's say - all I need to do is take car of myself and do my job whatever it is and respect their path.  If I can help I will but I don't need to hurt myself, judge them or most importantly - fix it or I don't know what - take it on or think ITS ABOUT ME.  Gross.  Lessons.  Not gross.  I just also am hormonal and it makes all of this more difficult.  Less - light.  Loose.  I am going to get ready and go to alanon.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Alcoholism - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Haha - that made me laugh.  It's so crazy how my life is better because I admitted defeat to a disease I could never win with.  WHAT?  I admitted defeat to a war I could never win.  I surrendered.  Now my life is better and right now at this moment as I write this I realize I have to surrender to my alcoholic thoughts, tendencies and perceptions - ALL THE TIME or I will lose.  Even if I am not drinking.  God that's so fucking annoying.  The crazy part is that the tools of the program and everything we do to stay sober are wonderful things. I love doing these things!  I guess until I feel backed up to a wall and then I don't.  Or - or what is it?  A really strong character defect is being challenged and perhaps on the verge of being eradicated.  Well - that doesn't make it anymore comfortable but it makes it infinitely less - fuck I don't know what I was writing I got distracted.  MaybeI was going to say less painful because it does do that.  I am uncomfortable but I am not in pain per se.  I spoke to my sponsor this morning and she said this also - which was also  uncomfortable to hear but she said "Either commit to doing this, accept that it's not how you would have liked it to be or don't do it."  Boom.  Mic drop.  That's where I was stuck.  I was just dragging my feet like a fucking DONKEY.  I must have been a donkey in another life.  I would be amazing as a donkey.  Just being like "Yeah I know I said I would but I changed MY FUCKING DONKEY MIND and now I do not want to do it so I am just getting to stand here and NOT MOVE AT ALL."  Okay so what's my point?  That this is harder than I wanted it to be but - BUT - here's what I have learned from comedy.....sometimes I get to a show and it's not very many people and they suuuuuck - for whatever reason - either they are quiet, or angry or both haha.  Or whatever - right?  I learned to still do my best.  I try my best, do my jokes, don't take it out on them , stay as present as possible - I do the work the best I can.  And that's what I am going to do with this - that's it.  Sometimes it's more work that others - what can you do?  What can I do? I don't know why but that's just how it seems.  I mean - ugh I forgot what I was going to say again.   Oh I know - I guess this felt more frustrating because it took up A LOT of time versus one 10 minute set.  however that's not that simple either, there's a trip involved, driving - I mean nothing is ever super, duper easy.  It's why people decide not to do this stuff.  Holy fucking Fuck this has been such an intense learning - thing.  My mind is all over the place today.  I am just going to do my best.  FUCK.  Great.  Yay!  Haha.  Byeeeee.

What to do when my boundaries have been crossed and I don't even realize it until I am enraged and then feel like I can't say anything....

HOW'S THAT FOR A TITLE?  Okay I feel better - I got to 2 meetings, did service and went to Alanon.  I jogged this morning and my guy and I went to a super fancy wedding yesterday and that was really fun - we had a good time.  I am going to make us a nice healthy dinner tonight and then I can go to bed at a decent hour.  So - so what is that super intriguing title about huh?  I will tell you...I have probably already told you but I will tell it to you again as if I never remembered saying it before.  I do believe this is something that has happened to me many, many times in my life but I just didn't even know it was part of what was happening.  First of all - my therapist helped me to recognize this and I don't know why I said first of all.  Let me break it down.

1.  Someone gets into my personal space and I feel super confused because I am so sensitive to energy - other people's energy - I'm an empathy and I have to be careful - I get short-circuited around people but okay yes - they don't know that so someone gets into my energy field and I feel confused.  My therapist helped me to learn that when I am confused I am actually angry - in part because my boundaries are being crossed.  The other part I am guessing is because close talkers in general are enraging.  I am making that part up.

2.  I don't realize my boundaries have been crossed.  The person continues to encroach on my space till I get really frittzed out and then I am a fucking bitch.  Which of course is upsetting because I feel terrible.  Enter more confusion, more anger, more - unmanageability. 

3. Everything breaks down - I can't understand what is going wrong with the communication with this person and I don't know how to make any of it better.

4.  It gets more and more difficult to say anything and I feel trapped and wrong.  I also don't feel like I can actually say anything because now at this point I can not figure out how to be nice - at all.

Well anyway so for example - I worked with that bonkers woman who kept touching me and touching me till I finally awkwardly said she had to stop.  She made me feel badly for even saying that.  Which now - years later I realize is of course a reflection of her.  However I said to the other woman I was working with that I asked (finally) for her to stop touching me and how awkward it was and she said "Oh yeah the first time she touched me I said don't do that - I'm not into that - not going to do that - stop touching me - I am not touchy feely like that."  EASY PEASY.  So now years later, in a completely different context,  I have finally realized someone has crossed my boundaries but it's my emotionally boundaries and it took me until today to realize the first time she did it I got confused which means I was angry. Then I kept letting it happen in part because I thought for some reason I didn't have a right to say something.  Well of course I do always and forever.  But wow is it so fucking confusing after the person is already there in my orbit and I think I owe them something but more than that I feel like I don't matter anymore.  I am guessing that there is some sort of protection thing that I am doing but GOD - it isn't working anymore.  Well so now I have given myself the permission to say something if it happens again and here's the most amazing COOL part that I finally realized today.  I CAN BE KIND.  I can take care of myself and be kind and let's face it - if you are someone who is so all over the place that you are crossing boundaries being messy and just not recognizing your own behavior - you probably won't like me saying please stop.  However the sooner I say it the easier it will be but I don't want to be hard on myself - the more important part is that when we stop people pleasing - PEOPLE STOP BEING PLEASED.  But also I am my responsibility.  I am not a victim.  So okay here we go I learned a lesson and this person was my teacher.  SO THANK YOU SO MUCH!  Haha - no seriously - it's okay and all good.  I trust.  I learn.  Byeeeeee.

Taking a minute to try to breathe....

Wow that is a dramatic title.  I am overwhelmed and of course I haven't been to enough meetings.  It didn't occur to me until this morning after I meditated that when it gets rough I don't need LESS meetings and program - I need more.  I am so uncomfortable.  My aunt passed away and I had to go to my mom's hometown and I only got to one meeting there and I was around a ton of drinking.  I let my alanon sponsor go and I haven't been there for 2 weeks or wow it's almost 3 actually.  I also am in this play that is so challenging.  It is hard work - seriously and it needs the hard work but holy fuck - WOW.  Also they are all crazy makers - well not the writer but - ugh listen I know I'm a crazy maker too - but not if I go to my meetings and take care of myself.  That's the crazy thing - how it really is the easier softer way.  But God it's so much work and I just couldn't figure out how to do it with the crazy week I had of shows, rehearsals and everything else - travel and a huge family.  But I have heard people say that for years...."I couldn't go to meetings because I am too busy...family...whatever..." then they are bonkers and right now I am bonkers.  I have therapy today and then my meeting tonight.  I was a bitch at rehearsal yesterday.  The other actress doesn't know her lines but also I don't know mine perfectly.  I was annoyed about the train going by and it was early in the morning and I didn't have time to meditate.  I was just MAD.  When I don't go to my meetings and have time to take care of myself I get this awful, dry, angry, uncomfortable feeling that nothing can make feel better.  It's how I felt for 3 years in my early sobriety.  God it's a horrible feeling.  Like an itch I can't scratch.  I am also heartbroken about my aunt.  God she was a wonderful person and it happened so quickly.  It's almost the anniversary of my dad dying and it was his birthday last weekend.  I'm also just sad but honestly it's the being dry thing.  How the fuck am I going to do this?  I mean be busy and still have a program?  Good question I guess. I managed to get to one meeting - I could have gotten to 2.  Or 3 even.  I'm not sure how I could have gotten to one yesterday but I suppose I really could have.  I could have gone to a meeting and changed the podcast to another time.  I felt better today after I meditated - I really did.  Now it feels like I am just beating myself up and that's not helpful.  Okay I need to get ready now to go to therapy.  I am just a little raw and overstimulated plus on edge and grieving.  I am still recovering also from cancer treatment.  I do feel so much better but I am not 100% yet.  Also I am allowed to have my feelings.  I am allowed to be annoyed and upset that people are selfish and - I don't know - imperfect.  Okay I have to go.  I wanted this to be more uplifting haha or at least slightly positive.  I will feel better tomorrow an dI will write more then.  I have been doing good work though and that is such a gift and I am doing tons of what I love.  Namaste motherfuckers Namaste.