Well my inner glasses need a new prescription - today.

My perception is off although right now as I sat down to write this post something shifted.  My guy got home from his meeting and I wanted to write so I got upset that he was home sooner than I thought he was going to be.  So then I did something amazing - I asked him if he could eat his snack in the kitchen and let me write this real quick.  He was like "Sure - did you put the sheets in the dryer?"  Which was so annoying and now is making me cry because it was so sweet.  I did put the sheets in the dryer and the kitchen is clean.  I cooked all day and then did all the dishes - cleaned the place mats and swept.  So it's nice and fresh in there.  He did the laundry.  We live nicely together and it's just really everything I ever wanted.  That and to be an actress - right?  A dancer and then a comedian.  I'm crying.  I'm so tired and I ate sugar this week and then I think I - wait I know I ate dairy twice yesterday and French fries and by today I just felt AWFUL in my head.  I am so effected by food.  But also I just can not - anymore work this career the way I have been doing it.  I will get sick again.  So I am at this fork in the road and I don't know what to do except stop doing what I have been doing.  I have no work lined up and it feels like I am invisible.  I know that's historical but - well - I don't know.  It also doesn't feel completely off either.  It's okay - it really is.  I feel badly from the food although I ate super healthy today and went jogging - I took really good care of myself.  Tomorrow is a new day in a new week and I can take great care of myself.  It's our birthday on Saturday and I guess that's a lot.  I am creeping towards that next age and it's big one!  But also it's almost 2 years since I found out I had cancer.  I just have to have faith and trust - trust myself and my talent.  Ugh I am going to say this and I know it's true although it's so hard to put into practice but I have to trust God.  Trust the Universe.  Trust there is something wonderful for me and it doesn't involve me hurting myself or forcing myself to do something that it takes me weeks to recover from.  Or that feels so gross.  God - how can I love him SO MUCH but listening to him each those chips makes me want to stab my thigh.  FUCK.  What a fucking BIZARRE challenge to be given.  God was like - "Hmmmmm I'm going to make you funny but also when people each crunchy food you will want to commit homicide.  Have fun working that out!!"  Alright - well next time I will have to ask him to eat his snack OUTSIDE.  Why can't I LOVE MYSELF when I get angry about this shit.  It bothers me and I don't know why and it doesn't mean I'm a monster.  I LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE ENRAGED.  Fuck.  Here is one giant side note - when I eat shitty food all of the hormonal stuff is ONE MILLION TIMES WORSE.  Awful.  I just have to slowly shift back away from it.  For me only me.  I have to go.  I did pretty good at not complaining till the chips.  SO MANY CHIPS.  Byeeee.