Okay Monday here it is.....

I don't think I want to do stand-up anymore - or at least not at all the way I used to do it or even the way I just have been doing it these last few months. I just want to have a healthy life and oh my fucking God I can NOT take this fucking cigarette smoke. Where the FUCK is it coming from?? I swear to Christ it is the worst. I just read the saddest blog about someone who's cat is very sick and dying and it made me cry so hard and now I'm all discombobulated. I get so fucked up from the smoke also though. And how is it so omnipresent? It's like someone is smoking 24 hours a day. It never lets up. It's not as bad now that they don't smoke under the window but it's still coming in here and especially when I am sitting here at my desk - I can smell it. Which means to me I am also smoking it. I need to pray and meditate and shower. I will feel better after that. I also okay calm down, calm down. I just want it to stop and it's not going to so I need to accept it and accept that I'm upset about it and just breathe. The window is open and the fan is on. I saw Soft Hugger last night with another woman. I didn't see him and he pretended to punch me in the stomach and it totally scared the shit out of me. She looked a little freaked out also - hilarious. I went to a show and wrote with my cousin yesterday and that was all awesome. I have "homework' writing to do and then we are going to write again tomorrow night. I have to say now that I wrote that about stand-up I have changed my mind. I just need ugh okay how do I say this in a positive way? I can't. I don't want to pay to perform or sit aroound some shitty place, pay for shitty food and be uncomfortable. See - that's negative. I either want to get paid or have it be such an awesome show that it doesn't matter. Well -okay - good. Then I need to audition some places and more than THAT I need to WRITE!!!. Yes - write. And I have the time. I sure do. I could have gone to sleep earier - okay wait - let's at least make this positive. I can go to sleep earlier and set aside 1 hour to just write my comedy. I can set aside another hour (the one I reserve to look up pictures of Nicole Kidman or whoever else I'm mometarily obssesed with) to write other things, like songs or my novel. Haha I said novel. Why the FUCK NOT??? I'm really aggressive today. PMS times cigarette smoke divided by sexual frustration plus stress equals aggression. Okaaaayyyy. Yikes Blueberry - Yikes. p.s. I got so inspired by a C.S. Lewis quote yesterday on the subway. It made me realize how much I love writing and words. THe magic of words. Here it is...."The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing.... to find the place where all the beauty came from." It's indeed a longer quote but that's what was on the subway. Love.

A trying day so far and I slept

through most of it. Well I went to bed at around 1:30 ish?? Yes so I could get up and go to the 10:00 a.m. meeting but it was freezing and I had trouble sleeping and I got up at 8:30 and just went back to bed. Till almost 1:00. Oh dear I had such a healthy day yesterday and I'm not upset that I slept - I needed it. And I felt better after I did. But I am freaking out over this one guy whom I don't even know and more than that I had dreams about him all night and they were so weird. I'm so upset that I got called off from work last night and I won't be able to pay my rent on time now and oh I just remembered I have PMS. So okay. Oh dear. I'm just not in a good place right at this moment that's all. I spent all day yesterday saying to myself that I accepted whatever nasty thought or attitude came up in me and it really helped. And now he's doing laundry and SLAMMING doors like a mad fucking person. How has he never fixed that fucking washer or why doesn't he just use COLD WATER?? Jesus Christ. I'm really upset and stressed out. I feel like I'm in the same place I always am. And whatever those dreams were were so painful. My inner life is so pained. Why don't I think that is funny? And now I'm exhausted. That washer sounds like it's going to seriously blow up soon. I guess when it does he will fix it. Well that amused me a little bit. Oh my poor career that is no longer. I accept my horrible attitude and of course I'm annoyed by this awful washer - it's awful. I accept, I accept.

I changed the name back.

I realized that it sounded negative somehow the new title but more than THAT I realized I wasn't really changing it because there can only be the one title (or URL or whatever it's called) sooo I might as well accept this title. Also now that I changed the background I like it better. I just wanted something cooler. Like I saw one called "Pacing in the Panic Room." Let's see yesterday it sounded so great and today it sounds neurotic. Is it because it's raining? Am I feeling nostalgic? What is the saying? "Waxing nostalgic?" Probably not. They are fucking up the street out in front of the house. That must have to suck working in the rain. Unless they like that kind of work. Work in the rain I mean. We used to have to work on the farm in the rain. Planting Christmas trees in the rain. Or whatever the work was. Garden, hauling wood, taking care of the animals. I walked to the store today and I had the same reaction I always do to getting wet and dirty. At first I don't like it and then I end up loving it and thinking it's fun. I used to feel the same way on the farm. I guess it is fair to say it takes me awhile to warm up to anything. Like for example right now Cretona started playing the piano and that is going to take me awhile to warm up to. Like an eternity or until he actually gets good or adds a different amount of soul to - OR - learns how to do it silently. If he could play the piano silently I would love it. I would support his silent piano playing with all my heart and soul!! I think those guys smoking out front - the workers on the street are whose cigarettes I'm smelling. I have no idea. I'm trying to accept it. Oh Blueb - what the heck? I don't even mean that as heavily as I usually do. I feel a slight shift in my psyche. I feel a little bit lighter. I'm honestly just tired of being depressed and upset. Hold on I have to take my vitamins. I watched the Jewel of The Nile the other night. Hmmm - I would love to just write all the time. Well I have to be honest the only thing I know right now is that I want to keep feeling better and I am taking MAJOR action towards that. Then I would also like to have a relationship and make a living doing something I love and feel passionate about. And have fun doing. I would like to trust that the Universe will reveal it to me. Trust in God? Wow that's hard for me to write let alone do. Brrr - rainy and cold. I used to smoke so much pot on these days. Then go right back to bed and take a cab to work!!! What?? I'm not even kidding. And a lot of times I would drink also. Just get a nice, gross buzz on, get high and sleep. EWWWWWWW - ewwwww. Okay and awwww. And OH MY GOD I AM SO GRATEFUL I AM NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! THANK YOU AGAIN!!!!! I hear seagulls - how bizarre. I want to find a pretty picture and add it to this post. I love you Blueberry!! Welcome back :):):) Okay I added apicture of the farm in the rain from last early summer. Smile again.

I changed the name of this blog.

I will probably do it again. I feel like a teenager. One time when I was little I changed my name to Sunny. Did I already write about that here? I don't remember. I thought the blond chick from Bosom Buddies was so beautiful (the one who Tom Hanks character was in love with) and her name was Sunny. So I changed my name. I would write my name on cards as Sunny and always make my return address as Sunny. I have to be honest though I was like 10 when I did that. So I guess I'm more like a 10 year old. Ugh Christ - I was feeling so much better. I broke up with Amanda, did my hair and nails, went to the snake doctor and bought a huge, gorgeous plant. I'm hoping it will help to offset the cigarette smoke but also I love plants. LOVE them. I also asked the landlord (Tall Not So Dark And Creepy) about the cigarettes and he said the boys have been smoking out front. He was really nice about it. I actually had the thought last night when I was walking the dog that it seemed utterly insane that he would make them smoke out back even though it was really upsetting me. He has let me live here for over 4 years now. Why would he be so mean? And he wasn't. At all. I'm so glad I didn't take a shit on his pillow like I wanted to when I was really mad. I have poison thoughts. It's really hard to believe but it's true. Also after I spoke to Amanda she was so nice and receptive and grounded and I realized she's not a bad person she is just really sick and for whatever reason I haven't been able to help her. It's like my mind goes very quickly to the old crone lady snarling "I know what you're up to!!! You can't fool me!!! You are EVVVIIIILLLLL!!!! No one is gonna get MEEEEEEeeeEEEEeeee!!!" Jesus what a NOT optimistic attitude. The Snake doctor said to me yesterday to have fun and enjoy being me. And that I have zero chance at being anyone else so I might as well enjoy who I am. I had to really think about that. I kept thinking to myself that it was unbelievable that I would never be Angelina Jolie. Enjoy being me? Wow - I am trying to and I am open to that concept. But it's hard to enjoy being me when I think the world is against me and I want to take poops on peoples pillows and faces. But I have to be honest I have never seen that thought pattern in my mind before and wondered if it was inaccurate. I've always just kind of - okay - totally gone with it. So - huh. Well. Huh again. Okay well even though I changed the name of this you are still my Blueberry and I love you. I for sure don't want to poop on your face. :):):)

Title.

I smelled cigarette smoke as soon as I woke up. When I went down there no one was down there. I really think Boris is a nice guy so if he is smoking - I have no idea why. I folded his creepy tighty whities last night and his 3 pairs of black socks. Anyway - I don't mind doing that anyway. I am going to buy an air purifier. That's the only thing that is going to make this better. I wake up everyday feeling sick. I wish I had the balls to take it out of my rent. Do I? I don't but I want to so badly. I feel insane and this whole month has sucked such major fucking balls. I'm so fucking stressed out. Money, no sex, paying back bills, saving for rent, never having any fun. That part isn't totally true. And well - people smoke. Boris smokes. I hate Boris. Go fuck your gay smoking ass Boris. Jesus Christ when am I at least going to FEEL better. I LOOK awful now again. I look old and grumpy. I am old and grumpy. Haaaa and big sigh. My sponsee - let's call her Amanda because it's probably not her real name anyway - never called yesterday and I was cleaning last night and all worried about her calling because I knew I had to break up with her and ask her some hard questions. What an asshole. She once again fucked up an evening for me while I worried about her and she never called. Nothing. I am done. I'm annoyed but I am done. Holy shit - see?? I'm so grumpy. I'm getting that air purifier tonight. My nose right now is all clogged and crusty. And I can smell smoke and Ieven opened both of my LARGE windows and put the fan on facing out. I am so filled with hate and annoyance right now. I just want to throw a fit. Oh Jesus Blueberry - what the fuck? Bye - I have to got to the snake doctor.

I don't know what I want.

I'm panicking. I was all into performing again and then I hit a ceiling so fast. What the heck? I'm completely freaked out and nothing is reveling itself and nothing is changing. It all just stays the same except not in a good way. Fuck I'm so fucked. I feel mother fucking tortured and more behind than ever. I can't catch up and I don't even know if I want to. But I do want to feel better, feel alive and feel passion. I just feel lost and gross. With rage and deep sadness spliced in. I am a fucking bed of sadness I am. I'm fucking miserable and I don't feel like writing a stupid fucking song about it or whatever. I'll try to I guess. I'm accepting of my misery. Accept that I'm alone and I'm a waitress and I live in a crazy house. Bye.

Holyyyy shiiiitttt

I have fallen and I can't seem to get up. What the fuck? I'm a mess - depressed. Okay - I'm no that bad - I'm not. I'm sort of okay. I stayed home tonight and I got Chinese food and watched 2 movies. I'm - just - I'm off myself. My routine was changed this week and I guess that upsets me. I also have this sponsee who just keeps drinking. It's awful and I really can't take it anymore. Well I also gained 5 pounds or so and I feel gross. After I ate my breakfast today it felt like fire was moving through me. I had to lie down for a painful hour. But have I prayed? No. Meditated? No. Felt sorry for myself? Yes. Regretted the past and present? Yes. Did either of those last 2 things help? No. Right. I was feeling so much better physically a few weeks ago and I got scared. I felt better and I got scared. Am I that big of a pussy? Really? I guess I must be. I've been here before and I get it. Eat food, feel bad for myself, and then write on here about it. Or worse - don't. That I get also. Fuuuuuuccck. FUCK. FUUUUCCCKKKK. I found a lump under my belly button. It's kind of a big lump and there is also a bruise. What the fuck is that? Maybe I ran into something at work? I will ask the doctor on Wednesday. I'm supposed to meet my cousin tomorrow and I don't want to. I want to go to my meeting. I just am - off that's all. I had a bad day and I never really got myself out of it. That's just the truth. I'm going to do my hair and nails and I have an eye appointment tomorrow. You know what? I'm might just do my nails. Do my hair tomorrow night. Yes. Acceptance is so hard. Especially when I am hard wired to beat the SHIT out of myself at every turn.

Hello Saturday and

here you are. I ws awoken once again by cigarette smoke. It was like someone blew a puff in my face - woke me right up. So even though I asked Cretona to tell - well his name is Boris - can't I just actually call him by his real name because it's so hilarious - to smoke out front I guessed he didn't and he was smoking out back and it was going in my room. So I got out of bed and got the dog to walk and went and asked him myself to smoke out front. He said Cretona did ask him but he forgot and he was really nice about it. He has the craziest sex eyes you have ever seen. He's gay so they aren't sex eyes for me AT ALL but they are just like dripping with sex. He's also got some kind of thick maybe Austrian or Hungarian accent. I want to say he sounds like Dracula. Holy fuck now the washing machine from hell is happening. Well I just meditated and prayed so that's good and now I'm writing on here. I can handle the washing machine more than I can handle the smoke. I really think the smoke was making me eat all fucked up also. When I smoked cigarettes the only things I ever wanted to eat were burgers and fried chicken. My body WANTED them. Okay - right the smoke was hurting me and I took steps to make it stop. I was really nice about it and GOOD FOR ME for asking. Jesus I want to beat myself up for it. Well I'm not going to. I'm going to sing my song in my head that goes like this...."Good for me for getting angry at the gay landlord's gay half his age boyfriend for smoking under my bedroom window and making me sick and making me want to eat whole breaded fried chickens and breaded cow meat patties, breaded cow meat patties. Woo-hoo I got upset with you but I only asked nice - I didn't throw an attitude - throw an attitude...." I would say that that isn't one of "hits" necessarily buuuut it feels good to sing. Now when I get upset I say "Good for you!!! You got mad - alright!!!!" This turning around all my bad thinking habits isn't easy. It's musical but it isn't easy. Okay byeeee.

Another beautiful day!!

I already prayed,meditated,did some yoga, wrote my morning pages, walked the dog, ate healthy food,took my vitamins and supplements, drank my green drink, made my bed and cried. Just kidding I didn't cry. For once!!! Rim shot. Anyway now I'm so tired. But that's okay I 'm glad I did all that and eventually I will be able to fit in a whole hour of writing besides the morning pages and a swim at the pool. I haven't even wanted to just lose myself in movies and TV shows which is awesome. I'm on the verge of wanting to read again!!! Reading again will help my writing again. Oh dear. I really am tired. Maybe I'm thirsty. What the fuck is with this cigarette smoke? How can I be so sensitive to it? Either they aren't smoking out front or I can smell it from out there also. That's insane - I do have a super sniffer but that's crazy. Ugh I feel like it's making me sick to my stomach. When I smoked cigarettes I would always feel sick to my stomach. GROOOOSSSSSSS!!!! Well I will keep saying something for sure. I have to. I have to go mail a check and pay my cell phone bill. Byeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

It's almost 60 degrees and it's

absolutely beautiful out!! The big piles of snow are melting and it feels lovely outside. What a relief!! It's so much easier to walk the dog and there is so much more room on the sidewalks!! I did yoga last night and then I meditated on the yoga mat for about 15 minutes and it was amazing - it really helped me. It took the whole 15 minutes for me to get centered. It might have even been a bit longer, I just did it until I felt better. I also prayed on the mat. Normally if I'm going to pray and meditate I just do it here in front of the computer siting at my desk and I only do it for 5 minutes. I pray for about 5 then meditate for about 5. Well today I just prayed here and then I got the mat out and I did a tiny bit of yoga and meditated on the mat for 10 minutes and it was awesome. I'm going to do it again tonight when I get home. It is just going to have to be part of my routine - that's it. I need it and I've always known I've needed it but now I want it. Holy shit this seems like a lot except I have the time and it feels WONDERFUL.I can smell the cigarettes again. It's definitely coming from downstairs 4 floors down. How bad does that suck? It's the landlords boyfriend - how am I supposed to ask him to stop? Not stop but move? I can't stand it - I feel like I'm smoking. Okay I did it - I asked Cretona if they could smoke at the front of the house. I just had him come in here and smell but I have candles lit and the window open. Well he was totally cool about it and good for me. Yikes I feel weird but I also feel better. Well actually I will feel better after I don't smell the smoke anymore. Ha he said he liked the vibe in my room. I guess all that cleaning is paying off!! Wonderful. He really can be sweet and funny. That was just really nice of him. Okay so I need to get in the shower and go to a meeting, do my service and walk to work. Big sigh - work. Thanks for being here Blueberry!! I love you!!!

So lonely now too.

Ouch. I went to a really great meeting tonight and the speaker was awesome and after I left I was like "Oh - I like him now - he's great - oh yeah - woo-hoo ohhh!!" Meanwhile inside my body I was like - "Umm - why does this feel like a bad idea??" Jesus - I'm still such a mess and so desperate. I DO like this guy - he's my FRIEND and I never like his breath so what the fuck??? Plus he has NEVER acted like that towards me. Christ. I swear. How am I going to go to work this weekend? I'm so tired and I overate for like 2 weeks now. Not all the time. Not all the time at all. Look I really don't know if I'm getting better or if I'm doing the right thing or if my life will ever really change or if I will ever find profound happiness and love. But I don't know what else to do. I just have to trust that this is the right thing to do. I'm so fucking tired and I feel like I broke myself AND I also feel like I can't see where I'm going or where I'm even supposed to BE going. What?? Exactly. I need to shower and do some yoga. Yoga?? Sure why not? Fat yoga we'll call it. I feel something inside me growing. It's either a love I have never known or insanity. Either way it feels pleasant. I need some sleep. Please God don't let someone wake me up with a bizarre instrument or that people eating washing machine. Goodnight Blueberry.

Okay I feel a lot better but

I'm still totally exhausted. That being said here's what helped. I went to therapy and I did my meeting and I took a shower and took a nap. I came home and cleaned and did laundry,changed my sheets and watched a movie. The cleaning really helps me. I have to have my room and bathroom clean - I just FEEL better. SO I also bought some magazines so I can make another vision board. I'm not going to go do that show tonight that I would normally do. I'm going to go to the art supply store and get a cork board, go grocery shopping, go to a meeting and come home and read magazines and do some art stuff and work on my vision board. Why do I feel guilty for doing that?? Jesus I'm so fucking tired. My therapist said that I'm so exhausted because I'm fighting all the time to stay sober at my job and that I'm working really REALLY hard. She also said I have to figure out why I won't let myself want what I want or do what I want to do. I feel so selfish and ridiculous for being so self centered. That poor woman reporter and women everywhere AND men that struggle with violence on a daily basis and I'm like "I don't let myself have my feelings waaaa." But that's not fair to me. I have to take care of myself and this is part of it. Last night I had a revelation while I was cleaning. Of course I'm so burnt out that I can't remember how I came to this revelation but here's what it was. That the only - fuck I can't totally remember it. Something about that I won't let myself have what I want (or even WANT what I want) because I REALLY don't think I deserve it. And that's bullshit. My therapist is always saying that I deserve whatever I want and that I'm a good person. I'm haunted by this woman reporter it's so awful. Life is so painful. I wonder if she wanted to be there? I would imagine yes right? Like a dream thing to be in the middle of history being made? But lord - ugh I can't write about it anymore I can only pray for her. I am so tired that it is unbelievable to me. Totally exhausted. I really hope this is going to change. Bye Blueberry - I will write more later.

I'm getting depressed.

That's all there is to it. I'm tired and I'm old. It's just the truth. I probably won't have kids and now I'm guessing I won't have a career? Do I mean that? Am I really ready to throw in the towel on everything? I feel so fucking gross. I just can't fucking waitress anymore - it's so awful. I know I said all this last night. I don't know - I'm once again all thrown off and I'm sad. I would have rather not worked last night. I could have made amazing money but it was just like a decent Monday. Okay - hold on - what the fuck? I need to restructure my thinking. I'M TOO TIRED TO FUCKING DO THAT. I'm stressed out, I want to pay for my old bills and have it done, I want to have fun and I'm sick of waitressing and I feel trapped and panicky. I'm going to say that I just really am in a fucking grumpy mood. Why am I even writing on here? Why do I bother with this? Why am I bothering with anything? Nothing seems like it's changing and I had another bad dream that woke me up this morning. I treated myself to some clothes yesterday and I spent maybe 80 dollars total and half of the stuff was for work or for doing comedy. I have ZERO shows planned and I never want to go back to work. Maybe it's good that I have therapy tonight. Something has to change - something has to give. A big shift?? Bye.

What the fuck am I doing?

Seriously?? I'm funny right? Sometimes? Who cares? Why am I still waitressing? This is fucking torture - I'm so fucking tired. I almost had a nervous breakdown tonight and I hardly really worked. I was so upset that I ate twizzlers, soda, soda, pizza, pizza, sweet and sour chicken with rice and just now a pint of Boston Cream Pie ice cream. Writing that made me want to laugh and cry. Seriously - what the fuck? I worked with that older woman tonight and watching her waitress is like looking at the ghost of Christmas future and it's so fucking scary. Holy shit. What am I doing? I can't keep doing this. I feel like I aged 10 years over this one weekend. For what? I have to really meditate and figure out what the fuck I'm doing. I really feel like I can never go back again and I'M FUCKING BORED!!! This is so boring I'm so OVER IT!!! Fucking fuck. I have to regroup - rethink...I really I don't know. I think I ate something else. I feel so gross. I have to go to sleep. I took care of myself today except not enough sleep. I need to go to sleep right now because I have to run that meeting tomorrow and I have therapy tomorrow night. I'm lost - I really feel lost. This all suddenly seems so insane. Living here, getting older, having no real job or trajectory. What the fuck am I doing? Come on - this sucks and I mean that in a self loving way. CHRIIIISSSSSTTTT!!!!! Bye.

It's Valentine's Day Eve!!

Oh boy!! Someone sent me an actual real Valentine!! I mean my mother did - she always does - but a guy sent me a mixed CD and a card!! How awesome is that?? I LOVED it!! I wasn't the only one he sent one too but it was still very sweet and very appreciated. Work was crazy last night holy shit. I made good money since I did 4 shows and I could have made totally amazing money if I had some better sections but to be honest I made great money. I was able to catch up on my bills and I am almost going to be able to pay off the second half of that old bill I'm paying off. I have to work tonight and tomorrow night and then I will have 2 nights off and start all over again. I'm not going to get to do any shows this week maybe. Hmmm - the guy who is living here smokes and it goes up in my window. It's giving me such a headache. I got to sleep today so that's good - no washing machine. I am so fucking tired though. What else?? I have to go return these movies and go to the bank and get that meeting before work. What else? I have to rush kind of. Walk the dog - I need to wash my hair. I think I just got stressed out. Okay - now I'm not. I have to ask him not to smoke down there. It's okay - I can do that. Right? Bye Blueb!!

Hello Blueb!!

So I got awoken by the washing machine from hell but I went to bed earlier than I usually do so it was okay. I just talked to my little sister about pictures for my parents 50th wedding anniversary and I already ran my errands, walked the dog and made my bed. I seriously had too much coffee as I almost started crying talking to my sister and I am shaking right now. I also need to eat I guess. I guess? I DO need to eat Jesus. I wanted to write on here before I got distracted by other things and/or pass out. I made myself an eye appointment. I also called my friend in Ct. and asked her how her follow up doctor appointments were. I need to eat and pray/meditate and do some Yoga and shower. Holy shit I'm exhausted. I also need to take those movies back. Hamlet 2 was so fucking funny. Need to eat and take care of myself more. Byeeee!!!! p.s. someone is playing the recorder I'm not even kidding. CHRIIIIISSSTTT!!!!

My dreams have always been fairly simple

I think. I want to be a movie star (or something like that only have lots of privacy), have a house on the beach, a beautiful(inside and out), gorgeous, sweet, loving, kind, loyal and fun husband, lots of animals and tons of interesting, creative projects. Also an apartment here in the city and my own plane. I really want to fly. I have always wanted to do that. And if somehow in all of that I could manage to have a baby and figure out how to do that in a healthy way then - well - maybe. I have to say after going home this weekend I really don't know. I really don't know about kids. But I really have ALWAYS wanted a husband and a house on the beach and to be a movie star. Haha - that sounds so silly and so not that simple considering at the moment I am a waitress and totally single. But well - that's what I want. Those are the only things I know I want. I also have always wanted to be living a sober life and now I am FINALLY doing that. So that is amazing. That is really, really amazing and was at the top of my list. Next is to be living a super healthy, balanced life where I make my money being creative and awed at what is coming through me from the spirit of the universe. Now I'm working on that. I need/want now to figure out how to be performing around better people. Around better places. And to write SO sososososoooooo much more. I'm really not sure how to do this. I am completely out of money. I can't dot his again to myself it's too scary. It makes me want to eat sugar and lard. I have time to write right now - more than on here I mean. I need to do that. I WANT to do that. I also need to pray and meditate on these new realizations I've had. Creative expression, writing, singing, performing, loving a wonderful and AND myself and my family. I feel like I need to invigorate my spirit, dust it off and get INSPIRED!! Yes - for sure. Okay - I love you Blueb!!!

Compared to this time last year

things are much better. I have this blog and I have been getting onstage consistently. I went and saw my best friend this weekend and I saw my parents also. I am starting to pay off old bills and I pay my current bills on time. I also am in much better shape and I have a clean room and eat much healthier than I used to. I am trying to not be negative. However this weekend was really hard for many reasons and yesterday just got worse and worse even though I kept doing things to take care of myself and showing up where I planned to show up. I feel like I have a lot of selfish people in my life and I also feel like it is so fucking hard for me to take care of myself. I don't understand who I am or what I am supposed to do in this life. I am so totally unsure where I fit in or how to find happiness. Bliss. Awe and wonder. Forget about a boyfriend - haaa - big sigh. Especially because what I really mean is a husband. Fuck. I need to take a shower and go to a meeting, go grocery shopping and get a voice recorder and figure out how the fuck to get onstage at better places where I am inspired and feel like I fit in better. I also need to write. What happened to that? It would have been better last night if I wrote. Well this to shall pass. I'm in a lot of inner pain. Really?? So is everyone. Ouch.

Tired.

I got my period when I woke up. So of course I just want to cancel everything and go back to bed. But I'm not going to - I'm just tired - I'm not as sick as I used to get. It used to be a nightmare but now it's just a weird thing to have to deal with. It would be worse if I didn't get it!!! So there you go. I'm going to my cousin's to write again. I didn't do my homework. I'm going to do it on the train. It's about a 45 minute trip to Brooklyn. Ugh. Anyway - um - I don't know what to say. I feel so not sexy. I need to bring sexy back to me. How do I do that? I'm serious. I have been wearing all the clothes I bought while I was fat that were on sale and I couldn't fit into for the the longest time. Now I've lost some weight and I can fit into them but they are horrible clothes. Haha - I bought clothes that would have looked better on my fat body only I was too fat to fit into them and so now I looked like a teacher or an elf when I wear these clothes. Hilarious!! Not really it's depressing. Sooooooo. Sooooo I need to feel sexier and more you know sexy in my body. Oh I know - more comfortable!! Yes sexier and more comfortable. Oy yoi yoi. I'm so deep today not really. I have to go - long day ahead. Write, go to a meeting and greet for my friend, then walk to work and work. Get up and go to Ct. for a couple of days!!! She has 2 little kids - holy shit. I call the little girl Ramona because she is just like that crazy little girl Ramona Quimby from the children's books. I call her Romona and then she goes "Mona!!!" It's hilarious. Bye Blueb!!!

I slept 10 hours

last night and honestly I could go back to bed!!! Isn't that crazy? The snake doctor told me yesterday to sleep as much as I need to, really let myself focus on rest. Um - okay!!! Great - I will. I have been going to sleep a little bit earlier and then sleeping more. I guess really I'm going to sleep a LOT earlier and that is so much better and it feels so good. Totally cut down on the coffee - I'm back to one a day. I ALSO have been making my own sandwiches to bring with me and so I'm eating much healthier. I know I said I would never talk about it again but I'm so much less farty from not drinking so much coffee and eating pizza every 2 minutes. Go figure. I did 2 shows last night and they were very fun and I got some great ideas. I am really wanting to go up a level but these shows are so great for working out - I really am so grateful to be doing them. I wrote a little bit on the train ride home but I would really like to be writing so much more. SO much more. I will have to think about how I can fit an hour into my day of just writing. I have been able to walk, do yoga, eat good food, sleep. write in my journal, go do shows and take care of the dog now. I used to only call the weed dealer and drink beer and that was EXHAUSTING. So I think I can figure out how to fit in an hour (for now - just an hour) of writing a day. I also manage to watch a ton of TV shows on Hulu AND tons of shows and movies on Netflix. I guess I just figured out where an hour can fit in. I'm supposed to go see my friend in Ct. this weekend. I hope I can go - I would love to say hi to my parents also. Okay - I have to go and get ready for work - I will write when I get home from there. I had a terrible dream that everyone at work stole my truck I had with my ex-husband - but he let them do it - and they were making money off of it and didn't care at all that I was so upset about it. I was yelling and crying. I never had a truck with my ex-husband but still it was a very upsetting dream. Okay - now I'm nervous. I love you Blueb - let's focus on the positive!!!!

More snow is coming and/or

is here. I can't tell by looking out my window - it just overlooks the back driveway which has snow already. I'm pretty sure it's almost here because it FEELS like snow - holy cow. My alarm went off at 10:15 and I honestly thought I set it by mistake. It's so crazy that waking up at 10:15 is soooo early for me. My cold is even better today and I drank so much organic apple cider vinegar last night and this morning. I also had garlic stuffed olives - 2 jars between the last 2 days. I can only imagine what I smell like!!! Hotness. The show I did last night was lame. My friend wasn't there with me but it wouldn't have mattered I don't think. It really wasn't that fun and - ugh I had preconceived notions because the guy who was running it was weird the week before I thought? He does a weird character and ugh - I don't know. It's time for me to branch out. I need to write more and branch out. I also need to get my attitude in check. What else? I have to go - I have a meeting to run and i need dog food from the vet downtown. I'm just going to come home after that. It's going to be cold and sleeting - fuck that - I'm coming home and nursing myself more and WRITING!!!! Yes - writing - that sound wonderful. Find some more shows to do and meditate on it. Do some yoga. Rent is due. I have it so that is good and I paid my first half of that bill from 2007. I'm so fucking happy I am paying things off. I really wanted to do that and keep doing it till I'm done. I hope my netflix comes today. Bye Blueb :):)