Saturday, October 29, 2016
I'm lethargic. I think. I don't know what I am really. Sad. It's cold and I wasn't able to exercise as much this week and it's crazy how much that helps. Well. But - I have. I'm trying to not beat myself up and I'm finding it almost impossible. I'm so upset about a sponsee I have - my new sponsor has suggested STRONGLY that we now longer work together and it's so sad. Another ending? Another big change? It seems like to much. That being said I think she's right and I do think it's effecting my sobriety - the relationship. Or something is. My drinking and drugging dreams are out of control. In the dreams I'm not even trying to not do drugs and drink, I'm just full on doing it and full on being a mess. It's horrible. I think this sponsee has been drinking or something. I've smelled things on her breath. It's so sad. This whole year has been so much change and right now today it feels exhausting. You know - I just had a conversation with my sister and she asked me if I feel responsible and I said yes. That's too much. Not her asking - me feeling that way. This is going to be okay - I can talk to this woman, and take care of myself. That is what my mind is saying but the other part of me is flipping the fuck out. I am so scared. I feel like this is just so awful. Am I confused? Maybe I should meditate right now - I didn't have a chance this morning. You know - I think I am going to do that. What kind of relationship am I having with someone if I cant even talk to them? One that isn't working for me. I'm so afraid and I can't fucking stand it. It's now okay. This feels old. Way back. Fine. Okay I'm going to meditate. Thank you for listening. Man - who the fuck has time for this? It will be okay. Everything will be okay. Love you Bluebie bye.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Oye! Good lord - well I am better than I was last Saturday. We got up prayed & meditated and went for a jog. The neighbor is blow-drying his driveway but it's not bothering me as much so THAT'S NICE. Weird. I was busy this week - 2 podcasts, 3 auditions, 4 shows and class? Hold on I am going to fact check myself. Yeah 4 shows. Oh man but today I am out of sorts. When am I not out of sorts. Sometimes. Sometimes. The guy is in the shower and we are going to drive upstate and see the foliage and maybe buy a pumpkin. I want a dog so bad. A puppy just ran over and jumped in my arms as I was walking back to the house. Holy fuck it was the cutest thing ever. Well I am just going to be patient at that - we really can't afford it right now. Something is happening with me - in myself. I'm changing. Some sort of shift is taking place. I'm not sure what it is but I do feel like I am opening up somehow. I feel like I am coming back to myself somehow. What am I talking about? Who knows!? Who cares!? It feels great! So. So what else? I don't know - maybe I just wanted to sit here and type. I have been writing more since I have been doing more shows. I have been reading different books by female comedians and now I want to write a book. Or something - or a lot of things. Yeah - I want to write more. It's so strange about comedy. Stand-up. It's such a bizarre world and I love it but I have something else in me too. I just don't know. I just need to keep going. That's all - keep going. Okay I have to work on something for my class. Loooove you Bluebie bye!
Saturday, October 15, 2016
I saw an episode of Law & Order SVU where some chick claimed that her PMS made her kill her boyfriend. Or I don't really remember exactly - maybe it was her landlord or her super - maybe it was some dickhead that worked at a deli. Either way - that was her claim and her claim was WORKING until good old detective Olivia Benson did some research and found out this woman's cycle didn't quite add up and if she really did have this version of "killer PMS" her symptoms would have not been enflamed during the day of the murder. I forgot what the version of PMS it was called. Anyway so this chick went to jail but I left the episode feeling like "Wow - it could have gotten that chick off of a MURDER WRAP? RAP? however you spell it?" So then - what the fuck! What is my point? I have PMS right now and I feel like I have been run OVER by it. I am so sad, hormonal and dark. I can't get out of myself. I gained 5 pounds this week and I have been exercising EVERYDAY. I'm so very uncomfortable in my body. My boobs hurt, my stomach hurts, and I'm so emotional. I can't stop crying. Yesterday on metro-north I accidentally stepped on some man as the train took off and he YELPED when I did it. I guess I really stepped and fell over on him. As I passed him by to get into the seat I SAW HIS CANE. I fell on a handicapped man and made him yelp. I almost started to hysterically start crying. Instead I just looked out the window and cried a little bit to myself. Can you imagine some bloated woman stepping on you - making you yelp and then hysterically crying and saying sorry? I WOULD BE SO FUCKING ANNOYED. Please - dear God - that's too much. I asked if he was okay right after it happened and he said yes. Anyway so I don't feel great at all. I am home on the couch. The guy left me alone because I just need to be alone. Im not good around people when Im like this. I wonder why it is so bad this time? I started taking Royal Jelly in hopes it would help me and maybe it will. Maybe it just hasn't had enough time to work. I would really like to get a grip on this and I thought I had on some level? I can't operate through life this was - it's like I really have to go into hiding 5 days before my period. I mean that just isn't possible. And even if it was - it seems so not functional. Alright. Well this has been good. Right? Why do I have to be an alcoholic and have PMS? Doesn't that seem like too much? I never ask those questions - or maybe I do and I just don't remember. Alcoholism brought me closer to God. PMS makes me INSANE. It's a viable MUREDER excuse! Plea? Whatever. I can't think straight. OKAY. I'm exhausted. Thank you for listening. Love you Bluebie bye.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
So it's Wednesday - you probably know that or don't care - either way that's what day it is. I am at home - working here today in my office. I love being in here except that horrible neighbor is blow-drying his yard right now. Man that guy creeps me out. Not in like a perverted way but in a dark way. I get it - I was dark. I walked by his car today and it gave me the willlies. Sooooooo. So anyway - what am I doing? I'm trying to work on something I'm writing so of course now I am writing on here. Ha. We did our podcast last night - it was so fun. Man - that really gets me out of my head. I started class again last night and there were 30 people in the class! Oh my God! And of course - I am not kidding you - I sit next to the one woman who is obsessively putting gum in her mouth, chewing it - spitting it out and then eating another one. She also slowly and LOUDLY unwrapped each silver wrapped piece of it and then folded it slowly into her mouth. Honest to God - rage. It just flooded me inside with rage. Not just because I have a sound problem but because it was DARK except ONSTAGE where someone was trying to POUR THEIR HEART out and she's the OBLY ONE MAKING NOISE. After one piece I was llike okay, two pieces - OKAY - 3 pieces?? ARE YOU KIDDIING ME?? 4 pieces and now we are to a completely different actor and when the lights went down I had to put my head back, take a deep breath and remind myself to NEVER SIT NEXT TO THIS WOMAN. She also has no body awareness and drinks loudly out of her bottle of water. Oh wow - I don't even remember anything from the class but that. HA. HA in a REALLY ANNOYED WAY. I'm pretty sure she is on my team because she often has alcohol on her breath which is super sad. I know that game too. I used to get high and be so high that I couldn't smell the pot anymore and didn't think anyone else could either. Haha - whoa. Gotta go have sex bye.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Is it possible? Ugh I don't know. More to the point after a long day of suffering (it never fucking ends sometimes) I realized something. I worked on the 3rd step today with my new sponsor and I felt HORRIBLE afterwards (she was great). I then proceeded to keep plummeting until I finally went for a walk at 4:30 at which point during my walk I got a disappointing text from some one in "show business" - I mean seriously I can't even type that with a straight face but okay let's say "show business." This same person often disappoints me but because I feel like I carry more weight. Blah blah. AND - yesterday I worked on something instead of going for a walk (which as with today is sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better). Which was my choice. But it made me angry. Am I making sense? Basically I got annoyed from the text and then suddenly - SUDDENLY it occurred to me - FUCK IT. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing in this business - whatever I thought worked from the past - hasn't and I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. Forget it. I said to myself and God (I KNOW I KNOW) "I don't know how to fucking do this. I pick out all the wrong people or seem to - I have no fucking clue what I am doing and I give the fuck up. You take - you do it. I'm not going to sit here and suffer anymore and obviously I have no clue what I am doing anyway." That's it. It's just like with men. Who gives a shit?? I can be perfectly happy without this and I'm sure I can find plenty to suffer about without trying to force myself into something that isn't working. And the reason why I am saying it isn't working is because I feel horrible. So something isn't right. And I just am not one of those people who can figure it out. So I am turning it the fuck OVER. I don't think I'm making any sense. I'm still going to try but I'm done killing myself and just pushing, pushing pushing to the point of not taking care of myself. It doesn't matter! I really saw today in that moment with the text and my reaction to it - that none of this will ever be any different. Good God please let me sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping right. I'm over all of this. Life is too short! It really really is. Anyway Im going to waste some time right now figuring out if I have ADD. Love you Bluebie bye.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Well I feel completely different about that dumb contest and now I could care less. I could mostly care less. I have moved on! Imagine that. So now I am on to other projects and what a relief that is. Probably if I had more projects going on or even just more things to do that night I would have felt better fairly quickly. Well but I did feel better fairly quickly - by the end of the next night I felt fine. Jesus - its really what everyone says in the program - that time will pass and it will get better. When my emotions are high that is SO hard to listen to. Anyway today has been a nice day so far. I prayed & meditated, did some yoga and went for a walk. I love being here in the apartment and in my office. Being able to eat here and make my coffee - it's fantastic. I have gotten no work done but I want to. Ha! No I am sort of nibbling away at my projects I have going on. So. So I feel very lucky to have this space and time to work on myself and my art. Oh boy and I have SO MUCH work to do. So much writing. Anyway I better get to it - next week my class starts again and I am going to be so busy. Love you Bluebie bye.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Not really. Maybe it is for masochists. UGH. I did that competition last night and LOST. FIVE people went to the next round and I was NOT ONE OF THEM. Oh man. Well so I am awake at 5:00 in the morning - I can't sleep. I just feel horrible. Although I did tell myself that as long as I didn't bomb then it's okay. And I didn't - at all. I had a good set. And my set feels like it is getting to a better place - rather quickly. Now of course I am doubting myself and I think I suck, I'm old, not cool - fat. FAT. SO FAT. Good Lord it's horrible. I am fighting letting myself think this way about myself - I can't stand it. Oh man - well I guess it's a rough year what can I do. Hopefully in a few days I wont care and I will have other things to work on and in the meantime keep working on my set. And my performing. Honestly I could have bombed. I don't get onstage enough and I have so much self-doubt and nerves to battle. So it could have been a LOT worse. Although I have to say I do not know why I keep trying to get this club to show me the love - it's ridiculous. So then my job is to go somewhere ELSE! Find it. Okay so then my guy's ex came and rang the doorbell yesterday. And because I don't know what she looks like I was like "Hi!" Yes to some random woman ringing the bell. Then she says "Does (my guy) live here?" I say "Yes!" I'm smiling because I love when strangers come to the door! Then she says "I have some paintings for him." I say "Okay!" I'm still smiling. She says "Can I bring them in?" I say "Sure!" I think I thought she was someone from the program or something. Then she asks me if I am (my name). I say "Yes!" Then she asks if I live here. I say yes. Cut to I finally ask who she is and she tells me. Then she goes to her car to get whatever she has in the car and comes back and says "I shouldn't do this - I shouldn't have come here." Cut to she tells me a bunch of stuff that doesn't make sense and tries to get information out of me and I told her she scared me and it was very aggressive of her to ask me who I was before I understood who she was. Listen when she first rang the bell it scared me - so when I saw a woman at the door I got relieved. It was so confusing. Listen - I had nothing to do with their relationship not working out. I feel guilty for everything and that is something I don't feel bad about. Plus - um - I'm not kidding - she was TRYING to cry. She did manage to get a tear out of the left corner of her eye which she dramatically wiped away. She tried to say they were together when we got together but then she changed her story. I just calmly kept saying "I was under the impression you were separated for almost a year before." She also kept trying to say we met and she saw me in a play. BITCH I WISH YOU SAW ME IN A PLAY BECAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN A PLAY! Um - no. No and no. I didn't steal your man and this has nothing to do with me. I said "Do you want me to have him call you?" And she said he told her to never go to his office again so no. OKAY SO GOING TO HIS HOUSE IS OKAY?? It felt like she was trying to get me to feel sorry for her. Oh man - I'm telling you - I don't feel well right now. My head is so awful. Dark. I just ate 2 cheese sticks and 2 weight watchers treats to try to go back to sleep. It did not work. Those weight watchers treats are so ridiculous. I eat 3 of them at a time. Well - I guess this is life. What a crazy twat. Can you imagine she said "I'm happy for you. You guys living together all these years." WHAT? I just said I had to go - which I did - that I had an appointment at 12:30 - which I did. Why was she trying to make me feel sorry for her and why the fuck was she TRYING to cry? SO I would try to convince my guy to go back to her? "She managed to squeeze out a tear - it's so clear she loves you!" I didn't even feel like she loved him either. I felt like she was - I have no idea what. Please God - let me never be that woman. Let me take care of my own shit. This too shall pass right? Yes it will. Oh - ugh. Okay - love you Bluebie bye.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
My stomach is going crazy. I feel awful. I couldn't sleep last night and I kept waking up. I'm flat out terrified about this contest on Monday night. I feel like it is completely insane that I am doing this. I feel like I am going to put myself out there and possibly bomb and totally embarrass myself. I'm just so scared. Meanwhile I am not working on it at all right now - I'm just sitting here cold and upset. I'm so sad about my father and so worried about this year of selling trees. One of the guys who works on the farm went back to Albania and he was so sad to go. Ugh - I just feel sick. I still can't believe he died and when it hits me - it is hitting so hard. I'm losing whatever power I had and I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. I went to a meeting last night, therapy yesterday and a meeting this morning and I still just want to go to bed for a month. It's overcast and SO chilly. Holy shit - it's just - I don't know - it just feels like Winter and I'm not emotionally prepared for that. I'm having a hard time. Also when my stomach feels like this it's because I'm forgetting something and I'm about to have a full on panic attack because I can't possibly know what it is. I hope I haven't fucked up some other money thing. Well anyway - oh boy - that neighbor is blow drying his driveway. What a fucking lunatic. Man - if they ever actually stop primping their driveway and actually PARK in it - I will be floored. Gotta go suffer bye.