Monday, April 30, 2012

I had this dream about a face with

wires coming out the back of it.  Okay - this was like someone lost the back of their head or really all of their head and all that was left was the face and to make it work correctly there were wires coming out of the back of it and it was inside a box.  A headless face that was electronic in a box.  It was so fucking weird it woke me up.  I went back to sleep and this time the face thing was out of the clear box and attached to it's proper body and it had a baseball hat on.  I kept thinking that the head was going to get fucked up with a hat on - the wires would get messed up and I thought maybe it would hurt the face head.  So in an effort to keep myself sane I have stopped taking this medicine for a little bit and I walked the dog, did some laundry and I watered my plants and vacuumed.  I'm going to go to therapy and come home and get a good night's sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day.  I worked on my resume - so I can look for new jobs and tomorrow I am just asking her for a raise and if she says no I can just leave once I get something else.  Okay - keep it simple, clean and lean.  I just have to get back on the healthy food wagon.  No more sugar, bread and cheese.  Lots of water and green drinks.  It will be okay - this is just a bad dip that's all.  Bye Blueberry - love you.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Take 2 on this day.

I went back to sleep and woke up less crazy but still so crazy.  It's not fair to say I get suicidal but I do get instantly existential crisisy - so very much so.  I stayed here in Harlem today but I went to a meeting here and it was beautiful and they gave me cake.  I stayed in my pajamas all day and I got Chinese food.  I listened to an under earner's phone meeting which was amazing and my sponsor was on the phone with me forever.  I was so tired today I thought I was going to fall over walking to that meeting.  I am so sore and I am still so tired but I do feel less toxic.  Okay - I don't understand anything - I sent that guy from work and apology note.  How crazy is that?  He tells me everyone hates me and I say I'm sorry.  I suppose I pushed him towards it somehow....he said to me once something about emasculating him.  I had no idea.  I have to go - I'm going to rest more now - bye.

Oh dear.

What a terrible weekend.  I worked for so long and made no money and to top it off - oh my God this is so ridiculous....I was so upset last night - I had no tables and that door guy just seemed to sit everyone else - and then he was fucking SLEEPING - full on - SLEEEPING in the balcony during the last show - sleeping so much that his finger was twitching and I had to have the other door guy wake him up.  I t made me so mad - he's SLEEPING in front of customers and also - thye are the bouncers and if some shit went down - he was SLEEPING.  So I said something to him at the end of the night - 2:30 in the morning and he says to me - "Eeryone here hates you tonight and for a good reason."  I got filled with so much poisoness rage and also got my feelings so hurt and I left - after I tattled on him to the manager - I'm sick of it - he fucks with my money - why should he be able to sleep?  What am I doing?  I cried the whole way home - I'm so suicidal and I really just want to drink.  I feel so sick - I haven't really slept - why am I here?  I work this job so I can be an actress - I'm not an actress and I don't make enough money to live.  It's so awful.  Oh my God -w here is the positive in this?  I posted something on Facebook - why did I do that?  I also ate more horrible food this week than in God knows  how long - I'm so toxic right now.  I should lay down again - I feel so sick.  I can't go back to these jobs - I just can't.  I just can't do any of this anymore.  What's the point?  I really don't know.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Let the record show....

I left that store today and walked to Starbuck's, got something delicious and walked myself right through Central Park  It was gorgeous.  The sun was starting to set and it was so lovely, green and wonderful.  I let out some good, melodramatic sighs and reaaaaally breathed.  Then I walked most of the way home, got some food, walked the dog and did my little work-out video,some yoga and dry body brushed myself.  I got in the shower and put leave-in conditioner in - got out of the shower - left in the leave-in conditioner, put on a mask and watched some Law and Order.  I got back in the shower, rinsed everything off and scrubbed myself with lavender body salts.  I finally feel better.  Let the record show - I can take care of myself - I just have to focus.  Holy fuck - my skin feels amazing.  I just have to give this to myself.  Oh!!  I also listened to a CD of someone speaking at a meeting - what a brilliant way to stay sober when not going to a meeting - I loved it.  Okay - bye Bluebers. 

What the fucking fuck? Seriously.

I am so annoyed - I suddenly and plummeting - okay I can't even take myself seriously right now.  I have been looking at star gossip all day and why am I not been photographed and drinking lattes and glowing and pregnant with my husband trailing behind me?  This job is so stupid!!  I left class last night feeling SO abundant and fulfilled and now today - this.  Trying to sell clothes to nasty ladies.  Why hasn't she given me a raise?  I guess she's not going to and I really hate being in here all day - it's torture.  Ugh - what the heck - I'm too tired - I woke up late and I feel gross.  I had a muffin for breakfast and grilled cheese, french fries and onion rings for lunch.  WHY do I do that???  For 5 minutes I feel SO good and then I crash.  OMG a grandma just came in with her gaaaaay 5 year old grandson - they knocked over a bunch of shit and left.  Seriously?  Why aren't I adopted 2 Asian babies?  I love Asian babies.  Bye.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

WOW - way different day.

I'm here at the store and I am exhausted from just being here.  The owner has been crazy all day - for once I knew not to take it personally and I just sort of tried to step aside from it but seriously - when someone is being snarky, yelling and being harsh and saying things like (I'm not kidding) "I'm drowning here!!!!" it's hard not to get annoyed.  She actually said "I"M DROWNING HERE!!!"  And I'm melodramatic?  Jesus.  She was all upset about who knows what and she always freaks out about different vendors and how annoying they are - but she literally orders things, sends them back and then reorders them - ALL the time.  It's so nuts.  She's all over the place.  Well - so now I am depleted.  I think maybe I should - what?  Get a new job?  Yes - exactly - get a new job.  I have to go - I'm just leaving right now - this is ridiculous.  Bye Bluebers - I will feel better after a walk and a coffee and a meeting and maybe I will fall in love on the way to all that or at least win the lottery.  I don't even WANT to win the lottery - I just want to have fun, be happy, be able to express myself and be helpful in the world and not selling stupid clothes for someone who says "I'm drowning here" when she is at home with a nanny and a house keeper.  She's drowning in a wading pool - please.  Yeee mother fucking eeesh.  BYE!!  Love you!!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Hi.

So I had a day today - a full day.  Got lots of sleep, went and got the dog's special food, took care of her and me and went to therapy, took myself to dinner and went to my favorite meditation meeting.  Yesterday was also grand - I went to the show and it was really funny - veeeerrryy dirty but hilarious and got pulled onstage to dance with this SMOKING FUCKING HOT dude - whose crotch - of course - I could not stop staring at the entire time we were dancing together.  He was very sweet and funny actually.  He had a  really thick Hispanic accent and he said to me "You're a really good dancer" while he was staring at MY crotch - so touche.  I got my vitamins today and got myself conditioner since the last time I bought it - turns out it was actually shampoo.  I totally cut this guy in line at Duane Reade and then I realized I was holding 2 MORE fucking bottles of shampoo.  Oh my God I would have had a heart attack if I got home and had 3 bottles of fucking shampoo.  Sooooo - yup - it's good to be sober.  This sounds so boring right?  I love it.  It's getting easier to take care of myself - a little bit.  I just need to stay on this path.  I wrote salt by accident and was hit by such a craving for salt water taffy.  Bye Bluebs.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Keeping it simple, keeping it clean....

those are my new - awarenessnesses and practices.  I got home last night from waitressing and it was a loooong night and I didn't make great money at all and I was SO tired by the time I got home at 3 in the morning.  Someones car alarm was going off and there were 3 people smoking under the window and I REALLY started feeling sorry for myself and getting mad and thinking how I couldn't possible brush my teeth or get ready for bed.  I also have been breaking out - and I realized the last 2 nights I hadn't done my night routine and I was suddenly struck by how - of course I'm breaking out - I walk all over the place in this dirty city - work hard and then go to bed with a dirty face?  Then I realized how much that little bit helps - just wash my face before bed.  Then I realized - oh - I missed meetings and then I got crazy.  I just need to keep it clean and keep it simple.  It's so the Tao - "Simple in thoughts and actions and you accord with the way things are."  So I flossed, brushed my teeth and washed my face and even gave myself a leg massage.  I put in earplugs - turned on the central air fan and went gloriously to bed.  I am once again back to my everyday 3 things rule.  1. Take care of my program - everyday. 2. Self-care - everyday. 3. Take care of my art - everyday - somehow - even if it's only one thing.  Jesus - it's so scary.  I literally have a pimple on the TIP of my nose - it hurts and is so red and it won't pop!  Ha and sigh.  I don't know why I'm like this - why I need programs and why I have to be so vigilant(or maybe I do) - but guess what?  I do.  That's all I know - that I do need these things.  So there you go - I relearned.  Is this making any sense?  I have to get ready to go to a show - one of the other girls in class is in a show.  I'm excited!!  I hope it's not horrifying - she is so sweet.  It's selling out so it must be pretty good - right?  Okay - bye Bluebie - love you!!!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Drive.

Holy fuck - this movie is amazing - to me.  The whole feeling it gave me - the tone.  Just so - intense yet still.  Look - it's a really violent movie but somehow it reminded me of what love really is.  It reminded me so much of my first love and how intense, quiet and real it was - and ill fated.  Just - so short lived somehow but so powerful in those brief moments and years.  It's so crazy that someone so loving can also be so dangerous and living so - wrong - or seemingly.  Holy fuck.  I brought the dog to the vet today and that was actually a wonderful experience.  I'm so lucky to have this dog - I really am and she is SO sweet.  She was so good and the vet - he's hilarious - he looks like his bulldog Lola.  He is such a grump but he's always so nice to me.  He loves animals - rescue animals especially and he loves my dog.  I asked him when she was going to die so I could emotionally prepare myself.  It's so crazy but he didn't have an answer.  So anyway I love this little dog so much and I felt like a good Mom taking care of her today and I didn't resent it although I did have to get myself in check this morning about it.  I just have had such bad thinking that my default is to feel victimized by EVERYTHING.  Lunch - I can be victimized by lunch!!  So I realized after this day so far and the daily readings and meditations I'm doing - 3 things.  1. I need and want to fall in love with myself again. 2. I need to feel all my feelings to even begin to be a decent actress but that doesn't mean WALLOWING in them. 3. I deserve love and I am not a victim.  That being said I'm not sure if those are the 3 things I meant to just write but it's what I remembered and they are true anyway.  THAT being said in the movie last night there is a scene where this guy says to one guy that he is going to be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life - that he will never be free - that he fucked with the wrong people and he will let him live but his life will be shity and strife with paranoia.  I'm TOTALLY paraphrasing but the point is - THAT'S HOW I HAVE FELT FOR YEARS.  Like I did something - someTHINGS so horrible that now I live in exile and misery.  Why??  Because I was an untreated alcoholic and I made bad decisions in relationships and married the wrong person and wasted my talents?  So fucking what?  I mean - what the fuck - I didn't murder a mob guy or even STEAL anything or even - insert something awful here.  I was just a mess of a person and in a lot of pain and being impulsive.  Jesus.  I wasn't morally corrupt or even wanting to be a bad person.  The vet asked me today if I met the millionaire yet who was going to take care of me and let me never work again.  I was like "Is that an option??"  And he said "Yes - you just have to sell your soul to the Devil."  And I said "I tried that already and it didn't work."  He said "Ha - you got rejected by the devil."  And it's true - I was rejected by the devil and I have been rejecting myself from the light.  Fuck that - I'm done.  I'm swimming to the surface.  What the fuck??  HOLLER!!  Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Here it is.

This whole time I have been getting sober and especially lately I have been thinking - where the fuck is the freedom and joy?  After this week I realized the freedom will come from me not having the same thought patterns I have had for so long.  I don't have to think the way I have been.  Lord I am at this moment so tired and I don't either want to be specific or feel like I can't.  I can tell you this - I woke up annoyed and I thought "When was the last time I woke up happy?  Or positive even?"  Then I thought about my conversation with my sister yesterday and my heart lightened up - it really did.  I felt love and light and - just love.  Love for her - love for having someone in my life like that - sister or not.  So I went to work last night and apologized to as many people as I could and was nice all night - even sort of nice to the creepy man.  One door guy asked me if I was on ecstasy and then he kept saying in this really Brooklyn accent "Therapy is really working!!!!"  I also thought on my way home "Yup - sometimes I'm a dick - sometimes I get angry and I'm a turd.  That's right - I'm a human being and I'm working out GENERATIONS of rage and drunkenness."  I didn't actually think that last line but it is quite poetic and PASSIONATE.  And I believe it anyway.  So - so there you go.  Somehow this week despite how awful it was I feel like I untangled a big part of the tangle.  I'm shaking - I need to walk the dog and eat something.  Orange you glad I didn't say banana?  Bye Bluebie!!!!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Thank GOD I kept my mouth shut....

did my work and still went to class.  I did the homework this week, was willing to work and even though it was REALLY fucking hard and AWKWARD (hard to believe) I managed to grow past my fucking HUGE ego fuckfest that was happening last week.  I think that's what was happening.  Anyway - I'm so glad I stayed, worked it out and now I think the monologue will be great.  It was a challenge - hello and still is all around and isn't that THE POINT??  Okay - so - there you go - I made it over one small hurdle.  I managed to not self-destruct and stop going to something that I really love.  I went through it.  I just kept thinking "the way past this is through it."  So - now what I have learned in class and what I think I have learned before is it takes me a while to warm up - to get going - to get started.  Once I do - I'm off.  I also have to do a lot of homework and if I'm confused I REALLY have a lot of homework to do.  I went to the most beautiful meeting tonight before class.  I swear every Tuesday I almost cry when all 400 or however many hundreds of people are standing together holding hands and saying the Lord's Prayer.  It's so touching to me - so sweet and beautiful.  I just feel the love and healing flow through me and everyone.  I can barely sit next to people on the train but I will hold people's (most people's - seriously) hands in a meeting - GRATEFULLY and pray with them.  What a great way to connect to God.  Do you know what my father said this weekend?  There was something on TV on the National Geographic channel about the world being covered in ice and how at least twice the earth has just been a frozen solid ball of ice.  He said "God just got fed up and was like 'whoop I'm going to start over' and froze the earth.  It just struck me as so funny - he's so scientific yet there you go - God pops in.  I'm crying now.  What was I going to do - quit this class and do WHAT?  Well - listen - not going anymore because I have something else or I want to do something else - fine but just be DRAMA???  Because my FEELINGS were hurt or - lord - whatever.  If I have made any sense it's a miracle.  Life is a miracle and now I was crying again but I stopped once I started typing this sentence.  It is really hard to take myself seriously sometimes.  Okay - off to bed.  I'm so tired but tomorrow I just have work and then home I come.  Maybe a meeting first.  Byyeeeee Bluebie.

Okay - let's start positive....

I'm at work and I'm clean, got to walk the dog and now I have make-up on and breakfast to eat.  I remembered my money for class and I promised myself I wouldn't work too hard here today.  I went home for Easter and that was wonderful and hard.  My Grandfather is not doing so well and he seemed depressed.  He isn't eating where he is staying - it's a lovely home but he doesn't like the diet he is on so he isn't eating and that is never good.  So I was limping around because of my back, my Father because of his knee - PopPop could barely walk at all and the dog is old too.  We were trying to help PopPop walk to the dining room table and he couldn't make it without his walker and my sister-in-law had him in a quite strong grip around his middle from the back and his arms were just dangling and he was like "Release the death grip will you??"  It was hilarious.  She is a VERY strong woman and I swear she was about to just throw him over his shoulder and walk off with him.  My nephews picked him up from the home and brought him back - how SWEET is that?  They are just kids - so cute.  My father was being so sweet with him too and my mother got drunk at the end of the night.  The dinner was wonderful but it was hard.  April is always a hard month for me - I'm not sure why.  It was really nice to spend extra time with the dog and on the train ride home I read and rested.  PopPop seemed better when he left and I felt very grateful to have spent time with the family.  I worked on my play for class and I was able to ask my father a bunch of questions about politics.  The plat takes place in the House of Representatives and do you know I had to stop reading there at first because I had no idea what THAT even meant.  So he (and my mother surprisingly) explained the whole process of getting a bill passed (or not) and then I was able to read the play.  My back started hurting on Saturday - maybe Friday - I can't remember but now often when I stand on my left side - shooting pain happens and I make this weird "Uhhhh" sound.  I think it is just the medicine affecting that part of my body.  I went to the Snake Doctor on Saturday and he said it's great and very exciting that I am having this reaction tot he medicine.  I don't know but I do know this - I was so tired last night after I got back from Ct. and I went to therapy and instead of going to my meditation meeting I went home and soaked my feet in a detox bath, gave myself a manicure and an enema - then took a shower and went to bed.  He told me to give myself enemas all the time also to help detox.  Of all the self-care things I am doing that is the trickiest by far.  Holy grossness and awkwardness.  Maybe I shouldn't say these things on here?  Whatever.  I am still reading The Happiness Project and it is really inspiring me.  Also in therapy yesterday she told me that I just need to let myself be more COMFORTABLE with my feelings that are negative - like rage or extreme dislike of someone.  So I practiced this morning when (SHOCKINGLY) Creepy was creeping me out.  I just practiced being comfortable with my clenched heart and extreme annoyance of his staring and - creepiness.  It's not like it has anything to do with me OR that let's say - he even wants to be that way.  Regardless - okay - so glad I got to write on here - now I am going to go write a gratitude list.  Bye Bluebers!!!  Love you!!!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Turning Pointe....

Wow - amazing day so far - when do I ever say that here?  I need to say it more often.  I got up, walked the dog and went to the doctor for more Lyme medicine.  It is a beautiful and chilly day but lovely - very nice.  I gave myself lots of time to get there and I read all the way there which I love.  I was able to get a coffee and mosey in and out of some shops.  I went into this one vintage store where there was a basket of scarves - all different colors and in amazing shape.  I picked up a white one with flowers that were tans and golds embroidered into it and as I picked it up the wind caught it from the open door and it looked SO beautiful flowing in the wind.  I didn't see a price tag on but one of them and it said $24.00 so I looked over to the counter to ask how much they were.  I said (and I couldn't really see anyone) "Are these scarves all 24 dollars?"  And the heads of two women pop out - one had orange and blue hair and the other had yellow I think?  They both had hair styles from I Love Lucy and they seriously looked like it must have taken them 4 HOURS to get ready.  Clothes, red lipstick, hair, eyelashes - the works.  Trannies everywhere would have been inspired.  Then they were both like - "NOOOO - nooo they are ALL different prices."  Oh but without price tags?  So I left - wow - what the fuck was that?  I was inspired and turned off a the same time.  Then I went to the doctor - they were soooo nice - I read my book more because I was early and I was able to ask TONS of questions about Lyme, how it works and how the medicine works.  Then I went and got an organic burger that was FUCKING AMAZING.  I'm drooling right now thinking about it.  So fucking good.  I got to the train - took the local home and read MORE.  I am so grateful for my changing life.  I am so grateful I have support and places to go to heal myself and books to read.  I think this is a turning point in this blog - time to be more grateful and note the beautiful things in life.  Clearly that will be bittersweet for me - I think maybe I am a bittersweet person.  Regardless - how lucky am I?  What?  Now I'm confused - lol??  So - whenever I write on here now I am going to say at least one positive sentence - no matter what.  Okay - I'm going to lie down!!!  Then get ready and go to work.  Happy Saturday Blueberry!!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Holy horrible fart class...

I farted through the whole class last night. If that wasn't awesome I also didn't do a good job on my monologue - which - I was just doing a reading of it - so what the fuck? He was YELLING and being really hard and then kept saying "This isn't a criticism but even if it's a first rehearsal you should be prepared!!!!!" Okay - fine - I'm sure that's true. I wasn't in a good place for it and there were 2 new people in class and he - I just - it was just a bad class. Then at the end he gave someone new a scene to do and I have been in class for - this is my 4th month and I'm still on monologues. I felt stupid for not having my money and then I realized I don't actually think this teacher thinks I'm a good actress. I don't know if that is true. But I left really upset - really upset. I'm feeling very victimized and - not taken care of. Which is ironic since I haven't showered, I'm exhausted, broke and because I let myself get to no money, don't have a kitchen I let myself use I eat white flour cheap food and then fart all the time. I'm so embarrassed. I just never want to go back to class - he's a turd. Speaking of farting he is a fucking turd. I just don't know if this is what I wanted. I'm so not in place of power right now - AT ALL. I feel so bad the dog hasn't had her soft food - only the hard. I'm a terrible mother too. Christ - I woke up sick to my stomach and had suuuuch bad dreams. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself? I'm so confused. At least I didn't send him an email last night. I guess I can ask why I'm not doing scenes and I can certainly go to a different class if I want to. That's not what I want - what I want is to be the best, favorite, treated so special, amazing, loved even if I'm farting and a mess actress. He kept saying "This is going to be a challenge for you" about the monologue and then said something about the way women interact with each other that is different from men. What? I felt like he was totally talking about something other than the play - although I don't know because I didn't READ it - I have 2 jobs and A LOT OF LAW AND ORDER TO WATCH. I have to take a shower. I'm already late for today and I can NOT not bathe again. Awful - what a fucking turd. That guy from work was so right - he said I would probably hate the teacher in 6 months - he would drive me crazy - it only took 4.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I'm so fucking bored of being a mess.

I am. I overslept again - I feel gross and I forgot my money for class and I'm angry. I need to get paid more here and I am so afraid to ask. What is the worst that can happen? She says no. That's all. I really am bored of this though - come one - what the serious fuck? This medicine is kicking my ass. I have the hugest lumps behind my ears - it's so gross - my lymph nodes are out of control. I'm so scared to get my shit together - I get really scared whenever that happens. Okay - I have PMS - I really do. Now - here's what is good. I finally got a file box and organized all my receipts and I have been asking for receipts. I also did a show Saturday AND I worked - exhausting but so worth it. The show was so much fun - they liked me and I did the best I could. I went on another audition last night - again - I did the best I could. The woman said she remembered me and I was like "What?" Wow - did not expect that and then she asked me for my website and I was like - "Ohhhhhhhhhh." You know what my website says? "HI!! More coming soon!!" That took me 2 days to figure out. I'm crashing. This medicine is giving me this low level constant dizziness - like waves of - I don't know like - vertigo. Not fun. It feels like I'm falling off a cliff kind of only I'm not. Ha - oh lord - well if you think this is all ridiculous you should see my hair - holy fuck - it looks like I didn't shower and like I seriously rolled around on the ground. I can't figure out how to fix it - there's like 5 pins in it, a rubber band AND a hair band. It wants to be free. I feel like I'm going to barf. Bye Bluebers - I'm going to water my hair and see if that helps.