Bunny wrote me the sweetest message tonight

and it had nothing to do with his a$$ f!@#ing post - which by the way was actually funny. But this comedian Greg Giraldo died of an overdose and they are saying it's an accident but he has had drug problems for a long time. Addiction problems. It's so sad - he was really funny - and really nice. And he has little kids. So Bunny sent me a message saying how grateful he is that I'm in his life and that I'm sober and doing step work. Which made me think about why I am so sensitive to anything he says. I don't want to write about it now but a long time ago - 8 years ago I did - or I think I did something to hurt him. I need to say sorry and I need to free myself. And also I made plans with him and I had REALLY planned on sending a text to the guy who I need to do my first amends to. SO why did I do something that wasn't necessary and then also get soooo upset about a really funny post because part of me thinks my dear supportive friend is harboring some resentment against me?? I'm crying now it's so fucking sick and sad. And I have to free myself. I can do that now. Well anyway I sent the guy who I need to do the amends to a message and asked if he could have coffee sometime in the next week. I think I will leave him a message on Facebook also. Well okay - the beat goes on. Please help me to help myself blog. If you have that power. You must - your name is Blueberries and Dreams. What?? That's not even funny - but it is true.

Not okay today

I woke up late - too late to be able to make it to the 12:30 meeting and my dear friend Bunny (that's what I will call him) wrote something (in response to something I posted) awful on my facebook page. So I cancelled my plans with him for lunch and I went back to bed. I feel sick. It really made me feel sorry for myself again and I was like - forget it. Forget show business - forget putting anything out there - I can't handle it. I should just seriously move back to Ct. Get an art teaching job. Figure out how to get a real job. I guess God doesn't want me to be an artist like this - here - but Christ - I don't know what to do. Soooo fucking depressing. See - I feel sorry for myself. But it is sad. I erased what he wrote and then I erased the whole thing. It was so over the top and not funny. He kept saying he got f@#$ed in the a$$ and he didn't know who was f#$%ing him in the a$$ and then he realized he was in a gang bang. He wrote that. Only he said f#@%ed in the ass a few more times. It was on my wall for 2 hours before I saw it. I need to pray and meditate before I make it to the meeting and then work. Work. Depressing.

Hiiiiii

Today was an okay day - so much better. I got up early and I meditated for a long ass time, showered, shaved, flossed, washed. brushed, prayed, walked the dog, went to a meeting where I got insulted but HEY - for a good cause. I went home and took a glorious nap, went to another meeting and got yummy, healthy food and came home, washed my sheets and I cut the doggies toe nails and she LET me!!!!! Hooray!! I opened a can a food first and let her smell it then she let me cut her toe nails. Amazing - totally amazing. So now I feel like I can do it again which is good because her toe nails get so long my father said it will actually hurt her toes. I was going to bring her to the vet or get her groomed but that is money and time. Then I said to myself - MAN THE FUCK UP and do it yourself. Figure out how to do it. And there is a little safety thing on the toe nail cutter that won't let you cut them too short. And she REALLY wanted that food - holy crap. These things are so much easier sober. Anyway my EGO is mortified by my lack of PIZAZZ in my life but my heart is so happy that my dog is safer and happier. And she is happier. That is a blessing a thousand times over. She so sweet - she deserves to be clean, well fed and groomed for crying out loud. Guess what blog?? Holy blog this is soooooo AWKWARD!! Soft hugger was upstairs and I went to the ladies room and he said hi really nicely and I hugged him....um - I don't know that that was his intentions but that's what I did. Then - again - very nicely - JUST nicely - he asked how I was and because I decided to eat an ENTIRE jar of olives stuffed with garlic last night and this morning - I ran AWAY. Did I ask him how he was??? Maybe before the forced hug....forced isn't the right word - um - awkward - yet oddly comforting. He is a really nice man. That much I can feel. The other part is that I have a LOT of work to do on myself. Christ. I need to sleep per chance to dream. Oh maybe I will dream about him again giving me directions and kissing me on the forehead. I will be happy if I simply don't dream about a house being blown up or an underwater sea fight gun battle. Blueberry you are so true and I love you. Yes I said it and no I'm not TAKING IT BACK!!

Of course I said i was feeling better AND

then yesterday sucked majorily huge hairy balls. Sort of. I was depressed and I weighed myself at the vet and the amount I was saying (JOKINGLY!!!) that I weigh was/is true. Ohhhhhhhh - OHHHH - ohh - big BIG - steam boat sound sigh. Then I went to a meeting and shared about it. Which I actually - fuck it - I'm glad. Look - I can feel really sorry for myself - and if I don't SAY it - well it won't get OUT of me and I won't stop doing it. Now I need to talk about my lack of career and lack of - wait wait - that's not true. I mean my jealousy of other people's careers and my seeming inability to go have my own career. Or to at least TRY. I am qualifying at another meeting today and maybe I can work it out then. Is it bad that I write about this on here? I don't know if it is innapropriate or not. Well on an upswing I ran my errands yesterday and I had 2 healthy meals. I ran all my arrands for the most part and I have another day off today. It's rainy and I think that makes me sad sometimes. I went to bed early!! I only got about 7 hours of sleep but I think that's all I needed. That money tree just isn't doing well. Ever since it fell over. How upsetting is that? I looked up how to take care of it and I really just don't know what else to do. I think it might actually not be - fuck I have no idea. I will tell you what though - I'm getting another one if it dies. It's droopy liek it needs water but you aren't suppose to water them that much. I think it needs more sunlight. Maybe I just feel uncomfortable and upset as a general rule. I'm just wired to be upset and feel sorry for myself. Well I'm goingt o keep doing the next right thing. I just need to call - what should I call him - Larry. Larry??? Whatever - I need to call Larry and tell him I'm sorry. Her LAdy Wonder said I will feel better. I feel like a 2 year old. Ugh. Like a grumpy, angry - BORING 2 year old. I watche Californiacation before bed last night and I had sex dreams all night long. Holy shit in 2 days that guy had more sex than I have had in a year and a half. Honestly - what the fuck - I need to have sex again at some point. Okay - bye. Sorry I'm such a miserable dick.

Look at me I'm a blogger.

I always think how insane the cave men would think we are. Christ - they were happy to stay WARM and I'm so happy that I'm blogging. I really want a camera. And I'm also - well - I feel a little better. Committing to meditating everyday and praying plus walking more has started to both plant me on the ground and move my blood. So - okay - I'm healing more. Plus I made money this weekend and now I'm somewhat catching up on my bills. Hopefully after this week I can sign up for the gym so I can start swimming. There is a YMCA 4 blocks away - how amazing will that be? Okay - I think I'm getting sleepy - another amazing part of exercise. I get tired. I'm so fat though - okay - I'm at least 20 pounds over. It's okay - it's alright. I felt like I had so much more to say. Remember gorgeous, hunky, soft hugger guy? Well I - I get him - that's all. But do you know what I realized? I almost never feel comfortable around men. And if I even remotely like them - FORGET it. How bizarre. Then at every turn - it's over and it never even began. How can you try to grow something when I'm not being honest? How fucking exhausting is that? Christ - forget it. So I have a lot of work to do on myself. Also - I miss being funny. I really miss it. I'm only saying that. I MISS being funny to an audience. I'm so sleepy - holy crap. I LOVE YOU YOU BLUEBERRY BLOG!!!

I don't mean to pressure myself

but seriously - what do I want? I need a vision. I need and want to be working towards a goal where I am taking REALLY good care of myself. Is that what I mean? YES. I can't keep waitressing and as I write this for some weird reason I'm getting goosebumps on my head. Okay - I'm getting better all the time. Today I walked to the 125th and Lexington train inorder to get to work that way. I saved between 15 and 20 dollars because I almost always take a car on Saturdays. Plus it was gorgeous and it feels great to walk. I stretched a few minutes ago - which felt AMAZING. I ate some fruit today and - okay - I had 5 pieces of pizza, some shrimp fried rice AND ice cream. I love making people laugh and I love being goofy. But work is really an unbalanced place for me and my EGO is so involved there. That being said - I have a degree. I can look for art teaching jobs. Hmmm. I could like that. Love that even? Perhaps. I'm going to keep meditating. I really think it's helping to clean out my brain and my leftover emotions. Yikes - yes - like those refridgerators on Hoarders. CHRIST those are sooooo scary. Okay. I would love a beach house near my parents and Michele. I can be funny and goofy a million ways. I need to sleep. Thank you for a great night at work. I love you blue blog.

It's easier to be depressed - right?

Or sad or bummed out or - "I KNEW it was always going to suck?" It is and after I write this for 2 seconds I'm going to go google it. Last night the hot (who isn't really that hot and smokes A LOT of marijuana) asked one of the other girls at work for her facebook page name so they could be friends. And like a true 14 year old I ran away and I got so jealous. And she has a gorgeous boyfriend who she has sex with all the time!!! Again - jealous. And last night I was so bummed out - I had to work all 3 shows to make any money and I'm still not quite caught up on rent or anything else and guess what? It's almost October. I'm freaking out. I feel like such a failure and honestly - I'm - I'm scared it's not going to change. And I hugged the guy who I had the dream about and guess what??? He was WAY WAYYYY WAYYYYYY - oh my lord - WAY too gentle. It was so lame. Ugh the record player screeeeched to a halt. I was like - oh - bummer. Never going to happen. I think he is really, really sad and bummed out. He like barely hugged me. Maybe he wasn't planning on it and he did have on his gym clothes but still. Oh well. Maybe I will join a dating website. I need to be creative more. I need to push through this. I'm going to google it being easier to feel like a douche.

Okay - so

I didn't write on here last night because my roommate was staying up here in one of the rooms and he would be able to hear me type and it makes uncomfortable. As I wrote that sentence I realized that that is probably an excuse - but I am SUPER sensitive and for some reason he listens and it creeps me out. I feel so badly for not going to that service yesterday but honestly I could not wake up and more than that it would have been very hard for me. Well honestly I couldn't wake up. So whatever after that. I could have handled it. I - ugh and now my landlord is playing that guzcheng. It's so awful - just - twangy and upsetting. You really do have to be narcissistic in order to play a really not so easy to listen to instrument in the middle of the house and assume everyone likes it. How do you not shut a door? Then he stopped. That unnerves me also because he only played for 3 minutes. Anyway - oh boy - I started out negatively. It's an absolutely beautiful day. Now when they wake me up I turn on the fan and what an amazing trick that is!! I totally can sleep. So that's great except I'm just waking up and having coffee and it's 3:25 p.m. So I want to beat myself up already. Christ - that is so harsh. Here is something positive - I worked last night and when my negative thoughts started I just turned them into positive ones. Yes indeed. I just said I am going to make money - everything is okay. So I made okay money and I got a free meal from the club although no more Chinese - I felt so weird afterwards. See - I feel like he is listening again. I need to pray and meditate. I'm listening to him listening to me and complaining about it. Yeesh. I dreamed about him again!! I've dreamed about him before but I dreamed about him. He kissed me on the cheek in my dream and then my forehead. It was so sweet and loving. Really - cute. I was like - oh he likes me. We were just saying goodbye and so I reached for the cheek kiss but then he kissed my forehead. How funny. Ahh - he I like - I really do. I just need to smell him - although I almost bumped into him at the meeting the other day and it was hot - hot??? it was nice to be close to him. Nice to be close to him???? Right - um - it startled me and I REALLY want to make it into something else. I hope my therapist is healing really well right now. I can't wait for October 4th when she comes back!!!

A beautiful day

I overslept because I could not sleep - I was up until almost 7. I had a thought today which is that the negative things I tell myself are perhaps as big of lies as the lies other people tell themselves that are grandiose. Her Lady Wonder said that to me once - that thinking I'm a piece of shit is as arrogant as thinking I'm AMAAaaazing. I am on the verge of really understanding that. The verge? Okay - I think I get it. I realized today that I have all these REASONS and people who I point fingers at and the reality is that I have been sick for a long, long time. So - there you go - that is the only thing that counts. I need to heal and let all that gooooooo. And have my own back. Yup - oh and guess what? That guy who - I have liked on and off for 12 years? Ha - I know - he's got something so creepy on his website. So - oh well. And it's sort of a relief. A relief??? Well he doesn't seem to WANT me and it's never happened at ALL. So it's frustrating. Oh boy. It's probably just a bad joke and it is supposed to be a joke but it freaked me out. Shocked me, really. Anyway I prayed and meditated today so far and hopefully I will walk to work. I have a meeting that I'm going to first. Hopefully I will get tired enough that I will sleep tonight. Ta-ta for now.

A Happy List

Here are the things that make me happy and then I am going to write a Happy Scenario. This is per Her Lady Wonder (that is what I will call my sponsor - who is - wonderful). Things that make me Happy:
1. Dancing
2. Swimming
3. Walking
4. Looking at beautiful and interesting things - colors, people, art, animals, buildings, any kind of nature.
5. THE BEACH!!!
6. Reading
7. Praying
8. Churches
9. Writing
10. My Family (I know)
11. Making people laugh
12. Painting, drawing or coloring
13. Watching movies, or great TV shows
14. Sleeping with a HUNK
15. Having sex with a gorgeous,sweet,loving,gentle,QUIET,kind,sexy HUNK.
16. Spooning with above Hunk. Add honest to all of that and straight forward. HA - a straight forward hunk - hey - why not??
17. Shopping as long as I'm doing it from a healthy and grounded place.

Now for my scenario of happiness. Okay - I'm going full out imagination here. I wake up in my beach house on the beach and it's about 8:30 a.m. on a Sunday. I have shopped the day before for some delicious food and I also have garden that I will be picking things from. I'm going to be making fresh deviled eggs and salmon on the grill along with fresh corn on the cob on the grill. I have a barrel full of pickles that I made earlier in the summer and my husband/partner/maybe just my very committed and hunky, sweet, honest and straight forward boyfriend is catching fresh mussels from the ocean so we can have steamers. I am also going to make a buffalo mozzarella, tomato, fresh basil, olive oil appetizer - all of which came from the garden and herb garden - except the olive oil which I got from my shopping. Ummmm - I go for a morning swim and I wash up in my outdoor shower. THEN - later that night I take a bath in my giant bathtub in my groovy bathroom off my amazing bedroom overlooking the beach. The house is like the house in Practical Magic. Land and beach. We have animals and art everywhere. I can't think of anything else right now - I feel like my landlord is listening suddenly. Someones car alarm went off in the alley and he went and looked and then I heard him laugh downstairs. He does that sometimes when he listens to - ugh - do I have to explain myself - I can FEEL him creepily listening. I need to sleep now. I want a camera - I really want to take pictures. So here are some things I know now. I want a boyfriend and I want a camera. I also want MONEY and happiness. I need to sleep. I love you blog.

Now I am in a panic

Why?? I'm not sure - is it because I took another glorious shower and lotioned myself and I flossed?? Is it to much self-care?? How am I going to take care of myself when I'm old? Do I need to have a baby - RIGHT NOW or I will never have one and how will I do that and I don't want to push a baby out my vagina. I don't - I'm a bad person becasue of that aren't I? I love babies - I love children - I'm freaking out. I am worried about money and the future and and AND FUUUUUUuuuuucccCCCKKK. Now I also feeli like I'm writing on here too much!! Can you imagine. For crying out loud. I'm so hard onmyself and for the love of God I don't know what I really want. Except I do want a boyfriend. A really nice, cute, sweet, quiet boyfriend. Who is totally okay with me being a tiny bit up and down in the emotion department. Fuck - this is so hard. And perhaps this is where me stopping drinking coffee will help. I keep looking at other people - other people's lives and being sad that I'mnot part of it. Really? Why is it so hard for me to just be with myself now and breathe? I just realaxed and the thought that came to me was - relaxing is better and - okay - it feels better to be calm. The answers will come when they are supposed to. PANIC!!!!!!! I need rest. Please blog if you have any power at all - help me to help myself and mostly to love myself. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay blueberry blog - it is.

A calm day today.

I slept a lot and the I - well I looked at pictures of my ex-husband performing with a bunch of people. He has a one man band but he brings people up onstage with him and they all have blood all over them and torn clothes and one lady (?? I can't tell if it's a guy) is all dressed in bondage gear - another guy staple guns money all over himself and other people and eats the ass of the bondage lady/man. At first when I was looking at the pictures I thought it was funny and I was like "oh well at least I can laugh at this" and THEN I noticed that he has my name still tattooed on his arm but with a line drawn through both names. Such a fuck you. Just a line tattooed through my name. I got upset and then - just - I don't know. Got upset. But I couldn't handle that world at all. It's so dark and it all made me so sick to my stomach. The darkness - the blood - ew - the drugs. The hard drugs I really couldn't handle - and the creepy sex - no. I really was so curious - I really was. I always had such a desire to see that kind of lifestyle - to be part of it somehow. But I didn't like it and I was dying quickly inside it. My therapist always says I love the edge and I do - however I love nice and cozy more. Look - it's his arm - he can do whatever he wants. And I looked at the pictures and I thought a long time ago that he had done that line crossing out thing - I just wasn't sure. And he is soooooo not well. WOW - he is sick. He is bloated and dirty and his teeth are yellow and now I don't want to talk about this anymore. Before I looked at those pictures I prayed and meditated and that felt fantastic. I realized last night (after having realized this years ago) that meditating and praying is how to keep my brain and my spirit clean. I think I get nervous when I start to feel better. Like I need to self destruct somehow. So then I go and look at pictures and find a way to feel badly. I guess I'm not going to change overnight. I can tell you this - I want to. I want to change overnight. Sitting quietly and moving around in my day and realizing the pain I have inside me is so uncomfortable. Creating chaos is an amazing way to avoid that feeling. But my belly likes the light more. Do you know what's strange? And I can't tell if I'm making this up or not but I don't know what my heart wants. I feel like i never really listen to it. It feels closed somehow. Have I written this before here? I feel detached from my heart and I feel like I have the ability to shut it down. Ha - this sounds like bullshit but maybe it isn't - I don't know. I would like to be more tuned into my heart on a daily basis. Grounded in my mind along with my heart. Yes. I need a shower - I've had this leave in conditioner in my hair since last night. Now it looks like I have homeless hair but it's really just super conditioned hair. LORD. All I need to do is stay sober and call some people and take a shower. That's it.

I wasn't saying something I feel like I need to say.

I know you are waiting with bated breath. I don't feel like I have a sense of myself and I feel like I need a man in order to have a sense of myself. I KNOW I KNOW!!! It's awful - I'm going to barf. It's not what I think, but it is what I feel - or is it?? I just still feel like I am waiting for someone to come along and make me WANT to be something or help GUIDE me in the direction of my true calling - my life I have been waiting my whole life for. Gross. I feel like - this is ridiulous. I'm trying to set myself free - and the truth shall set you free. Look - I love my parents but I feel like in some way they - didn't quite see me for who I am and what is special about me - and tell me to nurture that and becaome what I LOVE and what FEELS good for me. Nothing is stopping me now and they have been soooo supportive in my life for a LONG time. But I told myself today that my life is like this because - of them. What bullshit. I feel like I need to BREAK OUT of this shell - out of this - thing around me. How do I shake this off?? I am carrying around a bullshit shell. Maybe they planted the seed - they didn't mean to though - and now I'm the one who has been nurturing it. MEDITATE. PRAY. LOVE. DANCE. SMILE.

I'm lost but I think I'm going in the right direction.

How's that for a title huh?? Yes - I'm exhausted - awoken today by the piano - which my roomate plays very - mediocrely. He tries and for never having had lessons he is okay. Do I want to be awoken by it???? NEVER. I always say such - almost such awful things about people and then I try to save it a little bit like one day someone (like him for example) will read this and give a SHIT that they woke me up. He was like "Goooood Mooooorning!!!" all smiley when I saw him and I tried - I tried so hard to smile and then I saw his teeth and I just couldn't look at him anymore. It was like he wanted to upset me or - his teeth - they just upset me to see them. So I just said good morning and got out the door as fast as I could with the dog. Look I just don't have a title - I'm not anything and I don't want to be anything - except - write and read and watch movies and make people laugh. And color things and struggle. I must want to struggle because I do. I need to get POSITIVE and get KIND with myself. I really need to look at the positive. Maybe I should move my vision board. I really keep waiting for that big sign from the universe - the big arrow pointing THIS WAY!!! But I don't know - I guess - well I do know this. If I take care of myself, and keep taking care of myself and get gentle - things will change. Something will open up inside me. And I can put my rage here and leave it. Oh please help me blog to keep going in the right direction even though I can't see the way. It's like I'm in a blizzard or it's SO dark I can't see and my eyes won't adjust and I can't use my other senses because there are no other signs for my other senses to use. That's silly. Maybe I DO need to use my other senses. Interesting. Hmmm. I need to meditate and pray more. I really do. Okay - so here we go blue - be nice to myself, gentle and cozy and kind, read more in bed, write out a set - because someone said they would give me some stage time if I came up with a set and meditate and pray. Ugh - now I feel like - ugh - when do I worry, freak out and chew my face? Or what?? Why can't I let myself do these things? Because I need a husband and a baby stat???? I need to calm down. Waaaayyyy down. Whoa - yikes. Breathe. No panic - no. Yes breathe, yes. See we are getting positive already. I love you blue - you look amazingly calm and refreshed today.

This weekend

has been difficult to say the least. I didn't make any money and I got screwed over on Friday night although I tried to take care of myself I still felt victimized and upset that I got soupset. These are the things I did that were good: I TRIED to get what I wanted - although not in a straight forward way. I also - when - Ugh what should I name her - Lollywhamper - yes - HA!! I will call her Loollywhamper - asked me to talk to her and she said I was taking my bad night out on all the girls - I said "unless all the girls asked you to be a spokesperson for them please do not speak on their behalf - did they ask you to be their spokesperson?" And Lollywhamper said "no." Okay - so - Haaa - Lollywhamper - she would be so upset if she knew that's what I was calling her. I should call her LollyHAMPER - like a laundry basket. Ugh - I'm so mean. She doesn't have a bad heart - she's just manipulative and - I don't know - I don't care. She's hurting just like everyone else. The last night we had some issues about tables - from now on I am taking a page out of - this other girls book - because she is straight forward and just - says it like it is - I took 2 of yours - do you want 2 of mine - what would you like to do. Plain and simple. Okay - I'm really going to try to do that. Now - on another note - I was awoken today by my roomate on his manual typewriter that he writes on right in the middle of the house - and it's an open house. So he woke me up and it infuriated me. It's so LOUD. And he writes on a metal table - like an outdoor table that absorbs no sound. I didn't know what to do and I knew I needed to get to the bank so I took my purse and I walked the dog. Of course he said good morning to me like it's the most amazing thing in the world to be awoken by a maual typewriter. It's upsetting to be awoken at all and it hurts my feelings. I feel a disdain from him towards me and it's awful. I'm not sure what it is - all I know is I walke dthe dog - went towards the bank and called my therapist. She assured me that the best thing to do - after I complained about everything was to use my energy - my RAGEFUL energy and do somethng positive for myself. So I went to the bank - I got some things from Duane Reade and a coffee and bagel, I came back here. I read the paper, paid my cell phone bill, unpacked my purchases, made my bed, cleaned the bathroom a bit, opened the windows, watered the plants, and now I have a mud mask on my face. As soon as it dries I'm going to get in the shower, go to a meeting and then walk to work to save money and for exercise. I know Lollywhamper was upset last night because she tried to talk to mw and I not only gave her the cold shoulder (very mature right?) I also wouldn't talk to her in the bathroom when she tried to talk to me. She also left without saying goodbye. I just really needed to figure out what was going on with me without being so emotional first. She had mentioned the night before a time 7 months ago when she gave me some people and was like "okay - don't forget this." So now - ugh I'm getting ENRAGED talking about it - I feel like I owe her something and I also feel like - what? That she will want to have some other kind of - heart to heart bullshit talk which makes me want to vomit. Well from now on - it's even steven. If she has 2 of mine - I get 2 of hers and vice versa. I owe that woman NOTHING and I refuse to deal with her on that level. I do NOT want to be intertwined with her at all. It makes me feel so yucky. I'm sad about my roomate but honestly - I just - I'm not going to pretend that it's cool to be awoken by really loud piano, guzheng or manual (which equals - FUCKING LOUD) typewriter. Why they never close a door is beyond me. I would feel so uncomfortable spreading my sound around like that. This is so hard blueberry blog. I'm such an angry person and my emotions are so STRONG. It's crazy hard to handle. I've never understood what harness means before but now I get it. Harnessing this is VERY hard to do. I wanted to KILL him this morning. How awful is that?? Wake up to wanting to kill someone? And then being mad at myself for feeling that way. Holy shit. Well - okay - I am praying that I will make my student loan money tonight and then it's going to be 2 days of not a lot of money again. I'm so stressed about money. Please Lord and dear blog - help me to think of a way to make money. Grown-up money. Thank you for listening and helping me to work this out. NOW SOMEONE IS PLAYING THE PIANO. Ha - I have to laugh - it's so ridiculous. I love you blue.

Awoken by the instrument from hell - however

I realized that getting angry and throwing a total fit would not help anything at all. It was already 1 o'clock in the afternoon - which is time to take a nap by most peoples standards so it was fine for me to wake up. Also - it hurts to get so angry and it won't change anything. So slowly I'm working on changing my thinking patterns. And I guess my reactions to my anger. It's like seeing a spark of anger and either feeding it into flame or not. Plus if I really needed to sleep I can turn the fan on. So I'm getting a tiny bit better. Now I would like to work on being authentic all the time. So even if I'm down and sad - letting myself be that. I mean around other people. Just be REAL. Somehow that has always been so hard for me. My high sensitivity is partially why. When I'm really landed on the ground and present - I see things for what they are - not what I imagine them to be. That is very painful. I suppose in some way I feel it's easier to be in my head and in lala land than to be present and authentic. Um - duh - of course. Well okay - so now what?

We had such a great

shoot tonight!! It was so much fun. The video came out great - I really am so grateful to be working on these videos. I was FARTING through a good portion of the car ride home from the shoot and was also farting through most OF the shoot. Thank you, thank you, I know - it's so great. Please dear lord I dealt with this so much when I was sober years ago. I just looked up IBS AGAIN for the 50th millionth time and this is what I think. Soda, sugar and caffeine all need to go. But mostly and firstly (is that a word?) soda. I can NOT drink it. And coffee - it's bad also. Big meals are a problem and fatty foods and fried foods. Dairy is also no bueno. So all of the things I do all the time. Why would anyone want to read about this?? My blog is way to long and so freaking self involved. Here's the good part - no one is reading this. Anyway - so I have to work on all of that. It makes it so hard to be around people and it's RUDE and gross. So time to clean this up. Okay - how the fuck am I going to do this? I just wanted to write a poem but I wrote about gas. Jeez. I promise I will never do that again. I hope. You are hope blog. Hope in a blog.

I can't sleep

and I have never been able to sleep well. Do you know why?? I heard you say I don't care but I'm telling you anyway - I have crazy dreams. I always have. I get scared to go to sleep because I don't feel safe and my dreams scare the shit out of me. Okay - they disturb me is more like it AND they are quite action packed so I really just don't feel rested. I hardly ever don't dream. I dream in color and I have recurring dreams that have continued on. Like a tv show or a movie or a really annoying way to dream. Part of the time it fascinates me and I always tell my therapist about them. She says they are fascinating also. Does she mean it? I have no idea. Sometimes I dream musicals - songs and all. Sometimes I have this dream where I'm drinking and EACH time I have drank secretly for longer. Like months - and each time I think I have to stop lying. It's horrendous. The last time I had the dream I was really getting shit faced and I was sucking down the drinks and thinking - I HAVE to go back and count days. I have to admit I'm drinking. I'm so miserable - but this drink is so delicious. ANd I was slurping at the ice with my straw. The other morning I dream that I was pregnant with a baby boy and I went to the party where I was meeting the babies father for the first time. He was tan and muscled and I thought how we would make a cute baby. Then he went to touch my belly and the baby moved around - like to be born and a gun fire chase broke out. I had to run to a house to be safe and I was helping other people but I knew I was strong enough. We get to a house - escaping the flying bullets and then someone sets the house on fire. So I put everyone in the basement and just as the fire seems to be going out or not working as far as destroying the safety of the house I see someone being stabbed outside the door. Then the guy doing the stabbing stops and gived the guy who is getting stabbed a nice calm lesson on how to stab people well. It really seemed like the stabee appreciated it. DID I SAY ALL THIS BEFORE??? Chriiiist - I'm crazy. Maybe I will sleep now. I redecorated you blog - you look so cute!!!

Okay here's how September 15th went:

okay. Ha!! You thought I would be more dramatic didn't you? Nope - it was just okay and I'm glad I did what I did. I brought a friend to the women's meeting and I shared and told how stuck and gross I feel. The meeting was awesome and I learned a lot. I just need to give it up right now. I do. That's the only thing that sounds right. And we went to her apartment afterwards so I could meet her dog and when her boyfriend got back to the apartment he said I should put together a 15 minute set and they would give me some gigs. So nice!!!! Okay - so - hello. I'm so tired - I came home because I wanted to after that and I cleaned and did my laundry. I saw the episode of the show I have been freaking out over. Does that make any sense at all? No - it doesn't so who cares but this is what I need to say. It wasn't so amazing and I wasn't that jealous. Or let's just say I wasn't jealous. It was no big deal. At all. So anyway - I tried to take care of myself by comeing home and cleaning. It was easier this time because I didn't wait to long to do it. Now I need to clean me - I'm a dirty girl. PMS is me. I have a lot of pimples on my face. And one right on the end of my nose - it's RED. One woman at the meeting said that when she tried to pick things in her life - even her friends - it would never work. Careers - all of it. And that she has spent 90% of her life waiting now. Well then there you go. I'm done - I'm done picking. NONE of my picking has ever worked. The only things so far that I have ever done right is get sober and stop doing other things that really weren't working and felt badly. So. So I give it up. I really do. I'm not meant to be doing the picking so - all of it - the guys, the career, the whatever - forget it. And I mean forget it in a good way. I just can't anymore - it feels wrong. I don't even express myself honestly because I'm worried about what a guy thinks. ME "picking" gets in the way of everything. So - oh well and that's okay. It's weird - I thought being sober would be easier and lighter in a way. Or not - as long. Haha - time goes by so much more slowly. Jesus - my landlord just got home and SLAMMED the door so loudly. Then he like RAN up the stairs. Oh well his creepy friend who steals all the knives is here. Staying inhis room. She pays him in marijuana. She's suck a creep. One time she stayed here and walked around all quietly when he was here and then when he left - she roamed the halls and was really loud and different. I know - it's creepy that I sit here and listen to all of this. but - well when I interact with all the people I get crazy - it's to much. This makes no sense. I need to sleep early - I'm glad he is back. I guess if she needs knives that badly she should have them.

Uh oh

I am really starting to freak out. I mean I'm getting depressed and fast. I really am - it's scaring me. I worked all weekend - I'm even working tonight and I made not great money - AT all. Like horrible. SO I still owe him 50 for rent - 70 for 2 weeks of the carpet - 35 for this week carpet - my cell phone - my student loans. And it's the 13th alreay - the cell phone is due on the 19th and the student loan on the 20th. And now I'm going to work tongiht even and honestly I can't bare going there again and I don't think it will be that gret of a night. Ugh - this is awful. Had I not fucked up my checking account I would be a little better but not really. I took days off from work and I shouldn't have - why did I do that? Why do I try to do anything? I'm starting to beat myself up - I'm bitter and upset. Why did I take off for that party? Why do I not know how to take care of my self?? Is this just because I have PMS?? I feel like I'm going to get sucidal again. What the fuck? I'll never get out of here - never have a good job. holy fuck I'm freaking out. I'm really upset. And my therapist cancelled again today and I don't think she is going to be able to meet again any time soon. I called her today and she hasn't called back. I fell ugly and old and smelly. I wish I could sign up for the gym - but I have no money. It's going to take me months to even get back to "normal" and even be saving money again. Why do I even leavt the fucking house? And I could have made money on Saturday but the manager said I couldn't take this girl's section so I got a bad section and then - then I had NO one in mine which is exactly what I thought would happen. And then I worked the last show and guess what?? The door guy gave me people because he thought I was the other girl and thought she couldn't handle the tables. What the fuck is that? I feel like I'm about to have a nervous break down. I'm trying to tell myself that it will be okay - that the money will show up - I can eat - I can get around. But it's so depressing. I'm fucking almost 40 years old and I'm a loser waitress and I can't even make money because I work at a total shithole. I need a shower - it's so dirty there - then I eat badly when I'm there also. I just need to manage my money better that's all. Never take off from work - get a better job, have a better attitude - be a different person. And it sucks that I'm not in a realtionship and that I don't have kids. IT's sad. I feel hopeless and depressed. I feel very sorry for myself. And that is depressing.

It's 9/11

and for the first time in a long time - so many years - I wasn't even aware of this day comiug. It was so awful here when it happened and for the longest time I really thought that that was ended my comedy career. That 9/11 was when things stopped being funny to me. That the sadness and pain of life and the cruelty and harm people haveand do towards each other was so clear to me. It rocked me to my very core. HOWEVER - I was already a mess. I really was. Side note - I just took a big gulp of coffee and it's HOT!!! Holy cow. Anyway - back to talking about pain - I was already out of control with my life. Very lost - still hurt over my boyfriend leaving me and banging all these girls we knew - including my roomate at the time. Which at this moment seems kind of hilarious. Oh I was sleeping with him still also - oh - yup - on occasion I was. Anyway - I had started smoking pot again and had had plenty of examples of drinking not going well - AT ALL. Problem. I was out of control. I wanted to blame it on the girl I lived with and the fact that I was unable to meditate or deflate at home well. She was always there and a very dark presence it seemed. That being said - I was sleeping around, smoking pot, charging credit cards, paying rent LATE - all these awful behaviors. I'm so embarassed but it's true. And you know what - it's okay - it's really okay. I was hurting - badly. I was flailing and grasping and running. So no wonder I was so stopped by 9/11 - I was out of control. I just actually thought I had some control. This is depressing - I'm glad this is a secret, this blog. I have to say though as far as the physical part of putting my fingers tot he keys - I love it. It's like drawing with my colored pencils - the act of it is so soothing to me. I like to write on paper for the same reason. It just feels good to do this. And at some point - like right now - I need to forgive myself and forgive all my past. And what's so amazing now is that I have a program that helps me to not let all this hurt build up and HEAL all those wounds. I have had a big wound in me since I was a child and maybe even longer. And since I am so sensitive - alcohol and drugs on those wounds is like pouring acid on a cut. OUCH AND it doesn't help it to heal, it only keeps the wound open longer. My dog wants to go out and I need to get ready for work. Maybe at some point I will switch up this blog and post some pictures but for now I just like to write. I really am starting to want to perform again. I dreamed I was pregnant last night - like really pregnant. I felt the baby move in me and I was so excited to be pregnant. Of course the dream ended in a gunfight chase while someone was getting stabbed and the house set on fire. But I was happy to be pregnant!!! the guy who was getting stabbed was getting a lesson - a verbal lesson as to why he was being stabbed and how to do proper stabbing. The stabber stopped mid stabbing and gave the stabbee a very nice, calm lesson. Fantastic!!! Gotta go bro. Are you a boy blog?? I have no idea. Maybe no t- maybe you are a girl and a boy. Twinss!!

GUZHENG IS FROM HELL

LAst night he playing it at 1:00 a.m. in the morning and today he started a little before noon. He is playing on the 2nd floor with the doors to the room wide open and I seriously feel like he should just jerk off in my face. That's how AWFUL listening tot hat is. It's so fucking loud - there are no "SONGS" so there's nothing to hum along to and why does he have to do it so selfishly. It's like being woken up by someone putting a piano in your room and starting to play but only improvising. It's so selfish - what a fucking asshole. And the only part of my day that was going to be okay was going to therapy and guess what?? Not going to happen - my therapist had a fall and broke her foot. You know I feel like he wakes me up on purpose - and he thinks this is a pleasant way to do it. Whenever I go downstairs he stops playing. I feel terrible about my therapist but honestly I can't get over my rage right now about this instrument. Why can't he shut the doors? OR HERE"S AN IDEA - DON"T PLAY SO FUCKING LOUDLY. I know you are going to find this hard to believe but I am in the worst mood. I really am. Tired - my eye is pink - like pink eye and it won't go away. I got a friend a job at my work and they told him he said something offensive to one of the comedians and he freaked out on them. He told off both of my bosses. And honestly - they deserved it. She is a bully who never goes to worka nd the other one is lazy who drinks all the time at work. And he has her be the boss because he doesn't want to deal with anything. I don't blame them - I get it. Do I even mean that or am I just saying that because I think they might read this one day?? Look - I think my friend said all the things people want to say to thema nd never do. Okay - great - good for you - but also I got him a fucking job and when they repremanded him for something he told them to go fuck themselves in a really dramatic and - ugh I don't know - I wasn't there. But he told my general manager that he needed to "man up" and run his own club and that - ugh - who cares?? THIS IS MY LIFE????? Listening to this guy jerl off with this instrument and being freaked out about a job that I don't feel safe at anyway and that SUCKS. They let those scumbags hit on young women and let that bouncer SELL CIGARETTES and the big boss drinks 14 beers every night andt hen drives home and you jave the nerve to tell my friend to not be so gay? Hypocrits and pieces of shit. I can't take it anymore - this house - this city. Just as my friend was telling me that she called him and repremanded him I went outside to walk my dog and the guy who lives here for FREE had put the most aggessive sign on the recycle garbage can that said NO LIDS ON BOTTLE SAND CANS - SERIOUSLY. So fucking obnoxious. Now I'm playing Kesha - really?? At least it drowns him out. I'm miserable. I'm broke I still owe him so much for rent - for the fucking carpet. I feel on the edge - so not okay. Just filled with rage - stuck, angry - feeling violated - and I swear someone went on my computer when I went to work one night last week. Something is weird with it. Ugh I can't even explain it. I feel old and I really want to escape. I am not enjoying feeling these feelings. I am however really enjoying playing Kesha. Haha - play that with your big stupid asian instrument. Who WAKES people up ON PURPOSE??? How fucked up is that? OH RIGHT I LIVE HERE I CREATED THIS. Fuck you too.

I'm amazed and a little freaked out

by how much time goes in to me taking care of myself. It has taken me all night to do what I wanted to accomplish which is clean a bit, deep condition my hair, put a mud mask on, do laundry and do my toes. I also watched 2 movies, had food, washed my shirt, put also ponds cold cream on my face and I checked facebook 37 times. No - I didn't just 15 times. I also walked the dog twice and drank a ton of water and detox tea. But I feel like I don't do enough and okay here's the thing....Self care takes SO much time. Holy crap taking care of yourself is SO much work and in a week I will need to clean and do all of this again. I feel so much better when my room and clothes and me are clean. Really clean. Oh I also cleaned the toilet and put liquid plumber down the shower drain. And last night I picked up and cleaned the mirror and the sink in the bathroom. Oh I also cleaned the coffee pot and soaked the inside parts in vinegar. Christ almighty I feel like I'm never going to get to the fun part where I get to be onstage again. Or where at least I'm not just writing on here about all that I've cleaned and washed. And guess what I'm SO LUCKY to have a washer and dryer right here and my own bathroom to clean!!! And I love to clean - I just - I don't know - it takes so much time and so much vigilance and how am I going to do all this all the time plus meditate and somehow let my art grow?? I have no idea. Okay - what?? Maybe I'm just shocked at how little I was doing all this before and how - disgusting I was living. Well okay - I'm relearning to live and apparently I like to spend time taking care of myself and I'm just surprised at HOW much time it takes - that's all. That's really the thing. But I'm SO GRATEFUL because I feel so much better like this. Okay - I'm going to rinse out my hair and rinse of this mud mask and try to sleep. It's 3:30 a.m. In one hour my sister will be waking up. Lots of productive, amazing people will be waking up. Hopefully by then I will be asleep. I love you blog - thank you for being here and listening to my riveting stories about laundry and mud masks.

Labor Day

It's Labor Day. I made fantastic money last night at work and it wasn't that difficult. I said in my mind how much I wanted to make - take home with me and I made 2 dollars more than that plus my shift pay. How amazing is that? And now today I have the day off so I can clean up - clean the dog and do some laundry. I should get my sister a card. She left yesterday and it was soooo sad!!! Oh my God!! I took a nap right after she left and I fell asleep but 2 minutes into it I waoke up witha start thinking - oh she's gone - it made me sick to my stomach. We had such a good time and she was so nice to me!!! She bought me dinner, lunch, brunch and gave me the cutest card. My friend - ugh - what do I call him on here - um - Gary - no - um - Linol - Linol bought us dinner the night of my one year and I got brownies and a gorgeous cupcake and another card!!! I even wore heels and a cute dress. WE had so much fun.. We sat at a bar ironically enough but it was fine. I'm now in my second year and so I guess I get to date if I want to but what I really want to do is find a gym with a pool. I do love that YMCA on 14th street - it's gorgeous. Ugh and figure out how to make some money and how to love myself more. I'm having some fruit right now so that is a good place to start. Then for dinner I will have some chinese food - sounds good to me right now. Okay. Hmmm - I'm a little nervous - this is weird. I'm actually one year sober. I actually did not drink or smoke pot or shop or have sex or do anything to hurt myself this year. And I did up until the 9th step!! I need to keep going on the steps. So I guess I will do that today also. Work on the second personon my list and then call Victoria and do what I need to do for the first one. Yeesh I'm starting to get a little grumpy - I'm so tired. I need my coffee and I need to go outside. I miss performing. Okay - well I need to go - I will come back and write more. I would like to figure out how to make this more - something - arty - it feels pathetic someohow. But I love you blog and I always will. Thak you for a great weekend and for such amazing people in my life!!!

I'm so grateful

so so sooo very grateful. It's officially the 2nd so I am one day away from being one year sober. This is a real milestone for me in my life. There hasn't been very many genuine milestones - where it REALLY meant something to ME - to my soul and spirit. Not just a picture in a book. Like I graduated from college but I didn't care and it took me forever to do it and I didn't even do what I took forever to get a degree in. I got married but it didn't really mean anything - I WANTED it to and I wanted to escape my life and my feelings for someone else. This means something in my heart and I really want to enjoy it. My sister is coming to visit for the weekend and I took Friday night off from work. I bought a cute dress and my room is all clean. I cleaned out the closet and threw out all sorts of shoes and some clothes and things that make me feel badly when I look at them. I even cleaned out a little jewlery box that one of my other sisters gave me when I was her brides maid - it had an earing from my wedding day and some glitter that was on one of my ex-husbands costume pieces that some drag queen he was dating made for him. I WAS SO HAPPY TO THROW THOSE THINGS OUT!!!! Now the little box has buttons and a buddha in it. So much better. I don't have my rent quite for this month but I have some of it and you can be I'm going to figure out my money issues now - this year coming up - at least I hope to. I have no idea who I am - really. I feel like a kid again - ugh - I was going to cry and then I got that weird tickle in my nose up top which means it's a fake cry. EW - no fake cry that's forced - NO. I feel like a teenager or - maybe late teeens. Yes - that's it - late teens early twenties. And I would say that probably now more than ever I need to take it slow. So slow I shall take it. And be open and honest. How fucking hard is that? Well I'm really, really grateful because this is how I always wanted to live my life. Free from the added pressure of alcohol and drugs. It stopped me from being able to quietly listen and hear - the stillness in life. Wow - I am taking the sentimental road on this trip huh? Yeesh. I'm feeling better than I have in years and I suppose that I'm curious to see how I else I will grow and I am REALLY looking forward to more art. Hooray art!! That's part of why I wanted the closet cleaned out - costume pieces and shoes from art that I am not interested in. New canvas. I can carry inside of me whatever I need to still have. God Bless Cleaning. So when this weekend is over I will go back to working tons and finding a pool. I'm so filled with energy which my therapist said I - what does she say? I am not sure what to do with it. She is right and I have a bunch that has been lying in wait also. I am PACKED full of creative energy and PHYSICAL energy. What a relief. What a relief to be figuring out myself like this. Amen mother fuckers. I always loved the clor blue - it was my favorite color when I was little. A girl. I wore a cute girlie shirt tonight with blueberry grape looke things on it. It sounds horrendous but it's pretty. I'm glad I 'm getting back to blue and now I'm getting back to me. You know what else? Since I'm cleaning myself up and cleaning up the past - I'm finding it easier to forgive myself. Yup - not nearly as sad. Not as upsetting. How did I clean this keyboard for 5 minutes last night and now I see all these places I missed?? Yikes. Cartoonist? I could be one of those - for like a comic strip page. I know - random. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. That sounds forced. I appreciate you so much. Thank you thank you thank you for being here.