This weekend

has been difficult to say the least. I didn't make any money and I got screwed over on Friday night although I tried to take care of myself I still felt victimized and upset that I got soupset. These are the things I did that were good: I TRIED to get what I wanted - although not in a straight forward way. I also - when - Ugh what should I name her - Lollywhamper - yes - HA!! I will call her Loollywhamper - asked me to talk to her and she said I was taking my bad night out on all the girls - I said "unless all the girls asked you to be a spokesperson for them please do not speak on their behalf - did they ask you to be their spokesperson?" And Lollywhamper said "no." Okay - so - Haaa - Lollywhamper - she would be so upset if she knew that's what I was calling her. I should call her LollyHAMPER - like a laundry basket. Ugh - I'm so mean. She doesn't have a bad heart - she's just manipulative and - I don't know - I don't care. She's hurting just like everyone else. The last night we had some issues about tables - from now on I am taking a page out of - this other girls book - because she is straight forward and just - says it like it is - I took 2 of yours - do you want 2 of mine - what would you like to do. Plain and simple. Okay - I'm really going to try to do that. Now - on another note - I was awoken today by my roomate on his manual typewriter that he writes on right in the middle of the house - and it's an open house. So he woke me up and it infuriated me. It's so LOUD. And he writes on a metal table - like an outdoor table that absorbs no sound. I didn't know what to do and I knew I needed to get to the bank so I took my purse and I walked the dog. Of course he said good morning to me like it's the most amazing thing in the world to be awoken by a maual typewriter. It's upsetting to be awoken at all and it hurts my feelings. I feel a disdain from him towards me and it's awful. I'm not sure what it is - all I know is I walke dthe dog - went towards the bank and called my therapist. She assured me that the best thing to do - after I complained about everything was to use my energy - my RAGEFUL energy and do somethng positive for myself. So I went to the bank - I got some things from Duane Reade and a coffee and bagel, I came back here. I read the paper, paid my cell phone bill, unpacked my purchases, made my bed, cleaned the bathroom a bit, opened the windows, watered the plants, and now I have a mud mask on my face. As soon as it dries I'm going to get in the shower, go to a meeting and then walk to work to save money and for exercise. I know Lollywhamper was upset last night because she tried to talk to mw and I not only gave her the cold shoulder (very mature right?) I also wouldn't talk to her in the bathroom when she tried to talk to me. She also left without saying goodbye. I just really needed to figure out what was going on with me without being so emotional first. She had mentioned the night before a time 7 months ago when she gave me some people and was like "okay - don't forget this." So now - ugh I'm getting ENRAGED talking about it - I feel like I owe her something and I also feel like - what? That she will want to have some other kind of - heart to heart bullshit talk which makes me want to vomit. Well from now on - it's even steven. If she has 2 of mine - I get 2 of hers and vice versa. I owe that woman NOTHING and I refuse to deal with her on that level. I do NOT want to be intertwined with her at all. It makes me feel so yucky. I'm sad about my roomate but honestly - I just - I'm not going to pretend that it's cool to be awoken by really loud piano, guzheng or manual (which equals - FUCKING LOUD) typewriter. Why they never close a door is beyond me. I would feel so uncomfortable spreading my sound around like that. This is so hard blueberry blog. I'm such an angry person and my emotions are so STRONG. It's crazy hard to handle. I've never understood what harness means before but now I get it. Harnessing this is VERY hard to do. I wanted to KILL him this morning. How awful is that?? Wake up to wanting to kill someone? And then being mad at myself for feeling that way. Holy shit. Well - okay - I am praying that I will make my student loan money tonight and then it's going to be 2 days of not a lot of money again. I'm so stressed about money. Please Lord and dear blog - help me to think of a way to make money. Grown-up money. Thank you for listening and helping me to work this out. NOW SOMEONE IS PLAYING THE PIANO. Ha - I have to laugh - it's so ridiculous. I love you blue.