Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A cool sexy cat

I'm getting better and yet as far as men are concerned - nuts still. I went to show my friend a song I wrote - he video taped me and then I wanted to put it on Facebook so a guy would see it - he saw it - said he liked it - then I lost my mind. Why can't I ever be one of those cool, head together kind of chicks? I will never ever be that - I'm just ridiculous. Now I'm getting upset - can you imagine?? I'm starting to panic in general. My energy is coming back and I never thought that would happen - so I want to do more things. I'm writing more - awesome. Playing my ukulele more - fabulous. I'm just not used to this - I don't understand what is happening and in some way I'm trying to control my life. Look how hard I'm being on myself - for what? I met a friend and brought her to the meeting tonight and I got all excited and confused and FAKE in some way. I dorked out - I really did. Why do I do that - why can't I be calm around people? I'm beating myself up right now in a huge way. I'm confused and desperate and tired but full of energy. And that fucking girl from work asked me to work - then said - oh call at 5:00 to make sure and then told me not to come in. What?? So all day I thought I was going to work. Ugh - I'm trying to complain - I knew that would happen - I just went along with it for brownie points. For real. Anyway I also - I have no money and I'm freaked out about that. I suddenly have no money and rent is due and blah blah. I just have to start working a bunch again - that's all. I am well rested so why am I so over yet under whelmed?? Is that one word? I also have a cold - or allergies I guess. Jesus. All this being said I'm not drinking - I'm not doing drugs - I'm not banging strangers and I'm not screaming at people. But I feel like - confused and - what? Ummmm - like I should - KNOW something. Ugh - the only thing I KNOW is that I am best when I don't know - whne I'm not trying to figure anything out and when I'm - moving my body. I miss dancing and swimming. For real - and for only me. I miss those things in my heart and my soul, spirit and body. Is this when it really gets hard? I'm so in my head and sooo wanting to make something happen. I need to let go - let my grip go and just act. So I guess let my mental grip go? I'm not funny right now - at all. I'm - oh my - I think I might be being neurotic. Huh - well I am drinking coffee at 1:50 in the morning ao I suppose that is an appropriate feeling or judgement on my writing. Okay - I'm done for now - this is ridiculous. Well if this doesn't make me feel like a cool, sexy cat - what would??

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I am better today

I think. I am not wanting to drink and that is amazing. I got enough sleep and in my dreams I was drinking but I decided to go back to a.a. That seems like progress from my subconscious. I am crying but I think because I'm relieved and I'm opening up. I just prayed and meditated and had a healthy breakfast. Each time I am clenching down on my myself with judgements and negative thoughts I am releasing them. So I am releasing stuff every 5 seconds or so. Holy shit. So I am I getting a little better. Ugh - just as I wrote that sentence I had to stop myself from the vice grip my mind puts on my body. I went to the beach yesterday - heavenly. I wish for - want so badly in my heart and soul - a house on the beach. I love to swim - love the sunshine, the smells - the clouds and the air. I love sand and I adore being outside in the wind. I also love not wearing a lot of clothes. Well - so there you go. I'm not crying anymore. I will make it to the 5:30 meeting before work and hopefully I - no I will brave enough and loving enough of myself to share and open my mouth. Yes. My brother and sister-in-law's party was really fun and I am so gald I was there. I had a long talk with my Aunt about a cousin who is struggling. Okay - now I am crying again. It's so crazy - she has a baby and she's really in it right now - and it's sooo hard when you don't want to stop because you think it would be harder to. This has been such an intense year. I am glad I had a chance to write here today. I love you for being here. I feel something growing inside me - I'm not sure what it is but it feels wonderful. Something in my heart center. Okay - I will come back later and be mooore sentimental. Okay - it's okay. Thank you for my healing. Thank you for listening.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

I am fucking lonely

and it sucks. It sucks having no one to come home to and it sucks that I can't have people here even though there are strangers living here ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I'm in such a bad mood. I don't want to go home at all. And now I'm leaving and it's making me crazy because I know he's going to open my door or do something awful to me that violates my boundaries. I AM FILLED with RAGE. I am a mess. How is this better than when I drank?? I'm a fucking disaster and my eye won't stop twitching - it's so psychotic. I just want to eat cheese. Don't I sound awful and not fun? It sucks never having sex and to not even have a place where I CAN. What the fuck is that? I pay rent and not only does he unlock my door when I'm gone and open the door but he doesn't let me have people over. To sleep over. It's like I'm 12 years old - seriously. Only my father is a complete douche. I'm not okay - I feel like I shouldn't go home - at all. I just want to drink - drink and smoke pot. Oh and take a shit on Stan's pillow. Then pee all over his mattress and then throw up on it and have diarreah on his other pillow. I HAVE to ask him not to open my door when I leave. HE RUINED MY DAY and he is already ruining my fucking trip before I even leave. FUCK YOU - HAVE SOME MORE PROSTITUTES OVER YOU FUCKING CREEP.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Everything hurts

my mouth, my ankles, my feelings - my wallet. I hate living here. I came home once again and my door was wide open with guests checked into the rooms. I walked in to the house with four people at the parlot table with Lance - um - Stan - whatever I call my landlord here - at the table with them and he's like "Oh I opened your door because it was so hot and sticky up there." FUCK YOU. TURN ON THE CENTRAL AIR FUCK FACE. My door wide open with the fan on - my journals moved and my sense of safety SHATTERED and now I don't want to leave again. Then I came home from work and my netflix movie was in front of the door. My bedroom door. I have to move out. I can't take it - I can't take living here in New York or this ridiculous house. The people at the table were like "Oh - someone lives in that room??" Right - because who would leave there door WIDE FUCKING OPEN WHEN THEY AREN'T THERE??? VIOLATER. I suddenly have absolutely no idea why I am here seriously in this town. This is ridiculous. I hate it - I hate him - I'm old and alone and it isn't getting any better. I'm fucking miserable. I really am. I'm not going to be famous and I'm nothing and now I feel sorry for myself and I want to set his house on fire. Then he acts like it's nothing - no big deal - who cares?? I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do. I really don't. What am I supposed to do? There are no guys left for me - I'm SO unhappy. I hate my job - the people I work with are fucking scumbags. Such slime balls. I'm just over it. Now I have pms I think. I should just move back home. I went from being an unhappy kid to an unhappy adult and now I want to move home? I can't do this anymore - I'm not a grown-up - I don't even have access to A KITCHEN where no one will eat my food. I don't even have the ability to LOCK MY ROOM and have it STAYED locked. He not only unlocked my room but tried to make it seem like it was MY FAULT somehow. What a selfish piece of shit. I haven't even been able to look at him - I can't - I don't want an altercation. I am miserable. I said that right? Fuck. Forget it - I give up. I don't want to be a performer anymore - I can no longer do this and lie to myself that something is going to change. Nothing is changing - I'm very unhappy and I don't feel well emotionally and physically. Why am I even in this program or bothering with therapy. It's not helping - I'm fat - miserable and no men are even attracted to me anymore. At all. How's that huh? Sooo - my art is dead and I certainly can't do anything here. STAN FUCKFACE will just come on in here and look at it - and leave it open for anyone to see. So forget it. I give up. I really don't see what the point is at all. This has never changed - I have never been happy and I'm sick of struggling and being poor. And sorry but I'm not able to figure out what to do. So there you go God - you fugure it out - I GIVE UP - I don't fucking care anymore. If I make it to a tear without drinking it will be a miracle. I just don't care enough not to. I hate everything about my life except my family and the beach. Great - can I make a living off of that?? Christ almighty what a fun read this is.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Oh my goodness

it has gotten difficult again this sobriety. Holy shit - I am suddenly innundated with horrendous feelings and I am so uncomfortable. I am completely crawling out of my skin and I am filled with rage. I am so angry and confused and a mess. I was a terror at work last night - a real nasty winner. Winner? Just a nasty - nasty, bitchy, SORE and upset. I do not like being like this - it's really awful. I also now want to stuff my face again and just - drinka nd smoke pot. I even in the last couple of days thought of cigarettes. I thought about the relief it could provide to smoke - the inhaling and the getting away from everyone. But that is a lie - it will make me sick - so sick and smell and hurt me way more than it would help. I also keep waking up and being like - oh shit - I've done nothing - I'm nothing - I've wasted so much time. A girl from one of the meetings said that that is the disease. Yikes - how awful. It feels good to write this right now and I told my sister which also helped. She said it made sense and I guess it does. This is the last month of my sobriety before one year and I do feel panic stricken and sooo CRAZY. Just this horrible nastiness in me and all negative things are heightened. That's what she said - my sister - and it's true. I am a real piece of work I tell you. Drama through and through. And work is horrendous. OF course it is - they are drunks, and just sadness. Lots of sadness there being masked by inappropriate behavior and drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. What is most confusing to me is that I am taking way better care of myself - i think. I am showering more anyway and meditating more. And praying more. Less meetings and less sharing at meetings. Oye yoi yoi - jeez. What the fuck. I am being hard on myself. But I also want to be honest - really honest and really real. What?? I mean - I have a tendency to lie to myself and so am I being better at taking care of myself? I ran out of money this week and that FREAKED me out. And part of the reason was because I did indeed buy some things I haven't used yet and I probably didn't need. This led to me not eating well for a couple of day - including yesterday and I haven't taken my vitamins consistantly. All of that makes me crazy and desperate. Being hungry and without money makes me nuts. I had some food here in my room but did I bring it with me - or even eat it before I left?? No. Then 3 nights at work I freaked out on disguting food because I was soooo desperately hungry. Christ - this sounds like I'm 5 years old. Okay - okay - I won't let that happen today. I have been walking the dog more - that's good. Oh please - let me be nice to myself. Please. Poetry here we go.

I will hold on with a grip not firm
Flow with the waves of the tidal turns
Inside me is crazy
A storm that's heaving
A birth outside me
Of death that's leaving
Gone goes the pain
Gone goes the night
Help me through this last battle
Help hold me Light.

This poem is hilarious and the exact reason why I was a comedian. Oh - drama - you are so funny!! FUCK HE IS PLAYING THAT HORRENDOUS INSTRUMENT!!! I need to meditate. I have fantasies of smashing it. Of cutting the strings. Just swipe - there you go - bye bye. Oh dear - thanks for being here - I really needed this.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The barn with the roof of stars

My parents first bought the farm when I was five and it had a reaaally old barn on the farm (along with the house). It was about 100 years old if I remember correctly which means I have no idea how ol it was. It had holes in the roof and in the daytime it was all dark and creepy in the barn - if the big door was shut) and when you looked up it looked like you were looking at the stars at night. It was such a crazy old barn - brown paint chipping off of the outside and old junk everywhere. There was a tire swing that my older sibilings would climb to the loft and then jump off and swing from. The loft had tons of rusty nails, magazines from the turn of the century (I think) and bottles, cans and porn. The porn was modern day because it was my brothers. One time me sister stepped on a rusty nail and it went right through her sneaker AND her foot. When she put in in the pan of water or whatever it was my mother put in the pan - it bubbled right up through the hole in her foot. That barn had a garage attached to it that my mother would park the yellow station wagon in. My father had a green truck that stayed in the yard. That thing was awesome - his green truck - really old fashioned looking and one day he parked in the yard and never used it again. It almost became one with the earth completely - it sank and sank and sank. Then one day when I decided I wanted it and that maybe it was a classic - it was gone. The barn is also gone because it burned down when I was in the 8th grade. April - around Easter. Everyone was down in the Christmas Tree field helping plant trees and I was in the house because I had Lyme Disease so I couldn't help. Well I see my Father running up from the field and I had almost never seen my Father run and then I see my brother and my mother and everyone running towards the house. MY mother burst into the house and said "Call 911 the barn is on fire!!" I guess yelled is more like what she did. Well I did nothing and she ran past me and called. I ran over to the kitchen window and saw my brother fling open that big barn door and that rusty dusty farm just lit up. I guess because he flung the door opened the flames got oxygen and just fully ingnited. He was trying to let the animals out. Some sheep ran out and stayed out and some were trapped and some ran back in. It was awful. I'm crying even thinking about it. My father had my mother get the car out of the garage. I remember her going in and getting in the car and backing it out and thinking "What the fuck is that? Why is he making her do it??" He was more than a little emotional to say the least and completely freaked out is probably accurate. How brave my mother was to do that. The garage ended up being saved actually but not most of the sheep. That barn had old stalls that my father used to bring us to to see lambs being born and chicks hatching. I also had the privy to see a chick that only partially hatched and lay in a bloody mess in the hay. There were heating lamps in the barn for the lambs and I guess what happened was that because of those holes in the roof and the rain that had recently fallen - the hay was wet. And when hay is wet it is combustible and one of the sheep must have fallen into one of the lamps and broken it. The hot glass fell into the hay and - well there you go. If the wind had been going in a different direction that day the house might have caught fire my father said. Well it didn't but the tree next to the barn was black and smokey for years. People stopped on the highway and walked onto the farm - people came from all over and it made the front page of the paper. What a horrible way to get attention. The fire trucks left huge tire treads in the front yard and from what I remember they fucked up somehow. They let all the water out by accident?? I just remember it being a crazy mess - people everywhere - fire trucks all over the yard and the smell. Sheep cooking. I've never really been able to eat lamb since then and my parents never cooked it again. Well I looked up at the moon in the alley the other night when I was walking my dog and I saw one really REALLY bright star by the moon and I remembered that barn roof. It reminded me so much of that roof somehow that one star - it was so crazy. My father rebuilt the barn and for the longest time left the old garage attached to it. Now that barn has only the big door of it painted red. No more brown. And no nore old garage - now it's a new garage that no one parks there cars in. Ahh - life - so bizarre.