Monday, June 30, 2014

How is it almost Tuesday now?

I'm sitting here on my purple sagging couch - loveseat?  It's really a loveseat - anyway - I'm sitting on it and I just finished buying tickets to see a show for the guy for his birthday.  That's what he wanted.  I was in a PANIC today.  I got up late - didn't shower - thought that would be okay (it's never okay) and then after a long day of craziness I realized I didn't take a shower YESTERDAY because I took an early train to see my family and OH MY GOD I was so crazy today.  I just can't think straight with 3 pounds of dirty hair on my head.  No wonder people went fucking crazy in the dark ages - they all needed to wash their hair.  Fuck.  So anyway - after I finally went to a meeting I felt better.  The guy and I got into this - well - you can only imagine - or maybe you don't want to.  Here's the thing - I have all these tools now and all these programs tell me to take care of myself and that it's OKAY to take care of myself and sometimes I just forget - that's all.  Who fucking cares?  So it was a hard day - it was also a great day - I stayed sober and I talked to kind, good people who are also working on themselves and I didn't shit myself.  So see - it was a great day.  I had such a nice time with my family and I got to visit my little dog's grave.  Oh heartache.  Anyway - I have work tomorrow, a big meeting and I'm hosting a show - so I need to get myself to sleep to get my shit together and have a brand new day tomorrow.  One that I will be showered in.  Love you Bluebie - bye.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Okaaay.

Well - well so I went home last night and made myself dinner and watched some shows, wrote a little bit and went to bed so early.  I had no idea I was supposed to get my period today.  I have been so stressed about money and I can tell she won't come in today and pay me and oh well.  I'm fed, my bills are paid - I'm okay.  Here's the thing - I'm having a total panic about not waitressing but it's just going to have to happen and if it's this hard - me continuing to do - waitressing - it would only get harder to stop.  What am I talking about?  Changing my life patterns.  Okay I'm so sleepy - holy shit.  Okay - well - Jesus - time has slowed down.  This is what getting sober felt like.  I am so - okay - I am going to make some phone calls and try to help some people and stop thinking about myself.  So I made a change and now I'm uncomfortable - that's OKAY.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye. ps WHO HAS TO GET SOBER FROM NOT WAITRESSING??  What the fuck.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Intention.

I had class last night - the last one of the summer - my acting class and it was amazing.  I did the work - put myself in this costume so I looked like the character - it was so much fun - I was this fat old miserable lady - SO fun.  Okay so whatever.  Here's my point.  I intended to do a good job from a good hard working place.  Fine.  It has occurred to me today that so many of the things I do - even if they are kind things are done from an ill-intentioned place.  So I'm reading this book The Diamond Cutter and he says that it's so much more powerful (if I'm understanding him correctly) to do something small from a kind, gracious place - than to do something big from a kind, guilty manipulative place.  Oh my fucking God - I am so stressed out.  My shoulders are up around my ears.  She hasn't paid me for the extra days I have worked here and I am out of cash and I shit myself a little today.  I have been running around this store in a dress with no panties on.  You really don't know stress until you have on no panties because you ate a bad fish wrap and have to climb up and down stairs to find sizes for ladies who are impatiently waiting and staring at you.  I guess I could have on no panties because I want to.  What about this is positive?  I didn't shit on a customer or in front of one.  Imagine if I shit myself with a customer here and I would have to be like "Oh my God - I'm so sorry - I know you have to go get your hair straightened, meet the workmen at your house and pick up your stuff at Bergdorf for your 3 months in the Hamptons and you need to rush try on these 35 things but I shit myself so I'm going to have to ask you to leave and come back later."  OH I WOULD FUCKING LOVE THAT SO MUCH.  Let's say.  Whatever.  I guess I still have some things to iron out.  And I guess working from a place of being well-intentioned and thinking positive is way to start.  AWESOME BYE.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Finally grateful after a long day of misery.

Do you know I had a hard day - I mean so what?  I just felt CRAZY.  I had wicked pms (I still do but I walked and walked and walked and I feel so much better).  Also - whatever I just had a hard day.  Then I kept telling myself it would change and it did.  I took phone calls and went to a meeting - went to my rehearsal after work.  I think a huge part of it is having withdrawal from the waitressing.  It's like when I moved in here and I felt so completely fucking crazy - not being at the bed and breakfast.  I mean I really felt like I was going through withdrawals this morning.  No psycho weekend - no instant cash - no drama to heal from or blame my craziness on.  Yeesh.  Then I finally got home and took some vitamins and felt so grateful to be here - to have this apartment to come home to.  I ate some hummus - put on pajamas - holy fuck - are you kidding me - that's amazing.  I really was freaking out about the guy a little bit also - but it didn't make sense so I just didn't call him - told myself everything would shift and change and it did.  Now I am so completely exhausted.  Someone actually asked me to work for them this weekend at that restaurant!!  I told them I don't work there anymore and then they told me to go fuck myself.  What even is that??  Can someone even do that?  Well I guess so.  I'm worried about money - of course.  But I am okay.  Big sigh.  Okay love you Bluebie bye!!  ps Can you even believe how long it has taken for me to stop waitressing?

Saturday, June 21, 2014

One year since she's gone.

I can't help but write it.  Yesterday was the one year anniversary - I sort of remembered and sort of forgot.  I wrote a joke - tried to write a joke about it.  I got on stage and said "Oh my God you guys - it's almost the anniversary of my dog's death!!  One year you guys!!  Yay!!!!"  So guess how well that worked??  Not so great but they didn't laugh at much anyway for anyone.  Probably because I was hosting and opened with that.  TOO FUCKING BAD.  Oh well - so - ugh - so sad but - well - she's right there on my parents farm and I loved her right until the last possible second I could.  I'm going for a walk in the park and I'm going to an alanon meeting and going to see the guy.  My guy.  How crazy that I'm such a program person.  I'm in PROGRAMS.  How did that happen?  Who cares - I'm so lucky that I am.  When did that happen?  To realize how lucky I am?  I don't know.  I have to go for a walk and get some fresh air.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Poem.

What is there to say?
What is there to feel?
What is there to breathe when my heart feels like steel?
This might be bad poetry
But that doesn't make me mad
Nor does the buckle of my shoe let me stab
More life into those
who don't see the light
Of waking up early
And fighting the good fight.
I try to remain humble
but my ego's too big
At least I know I'm an asshole
So suck it - Amen.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Meditation and rage.

I'm a the store and listening to a meditation meeting and there is a woman in here who is just texting and it is filling me with rage.  I just want to meditate.  I'm so fucking tired and fried.  I mean I am working my ass off at this job and it certainly doesn't feel like I only have one job.  My self-care is in the toilet.  I didn't take a shower today and I go the worst night's sleep because my feet kept cramping.  It has been happening for weeks now - it's so disturbing.  I must have woken me up 5 times last night - I had to walk it off - drink water - awful.  Anyway - wow I'm fucking miserable huh?  How am I mad that I can't meditate at my job??  Well I am so that's how.  I'm going to a meeting right after work and going home and taking a bath - that's IT.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Hi.

It's Tuesday and I am here at the store again.  Oh boy.  I'm so tired - I hosted a show last night at 11:00 at night and then the trains were all a mess so it took me forever to get home.  It was a fun show though and I'm so happy I did it.  I got up early and went and got one of my last checks from the restaurant.  Wow - wow what?  I don't know - this store is a mess right now - so many women come in during the summer and trash it but I get tired of putting it all back together.  Okay - so I'm just writing on here and then putting it back together.  Do you know I felt sort of left out last night around the other comedians.  I'm not out there enough and I don't know - I just felt left out.  But also I kept trying to act like I'm not also and angry, bitter comedian whose annoyed at doing a show at 11:00 at night.  Maybe I'm not AS angry and bitter.  I just felt inauthentic - BARF.  Plus I was caring what people thin about me - MORE BARF.  Fucking jeez.  I also never write so - so all of my material - UGH - why am I beating myself up??  Here's the thing - if I want to do comedy I need to write and I need to fucking figure out how the fuck to do that.  Seriously.  When is mercury out of retrograde I need a new phone.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Not a waitress anymore but still stressed out......

It's so crazy to me how progressive this disease ( slowly going down) was as I became a complete drunk - and how now with my healing the same progression (slowly healing back up).  I finally finished my last shift of waitressing - while at the same time realizing that how much I was paying on my student loan wasn't even making a DENT and then I came to the store this morning and accidentally gave someone back ALL THEIR MONEY - while trying to do one return.  Okay - what the fuck is that?  So - you know - it's still not being a waitress though.  I had the most beautiful day yesterday with the guy - we went to the beach - it was so so wonderful.  Well - I love him - that's all.  Now I am here at this store and I am so grateful it's not waitressing but it's still a job and I still need to keep my shit together.  I think I'm thirsty.  I miss writing on here so much.  I need water - I am going to go get a tea and water and some chocolate.  Can you imagine that I finally stopped waitressing???  I need another job.  As well - but it doesn't need to be that.  Slow, progressive healing.  It's okay.  Yeah.  Okay - tea - I need a tea.  I love you Bluebie - I miss you so much!!!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Hmmmmm.....

What can I say?  I woke up on time so I can leave on time so I can get to work on time and sit through the discomfort of it.  I don't want to be on time so I'm not.  Do you know I got up, sat down to pray & meditate and now I am writing on here.  HA.  Well - okaaaay.  I'm going to leave on time - that's it.  I'm so excited for my dance class tonight.  Okay - well - ugh I think it's almost the time of year my dog died.  Wow - so much feels like it has changed since then.  I HAVE TO GO BYE.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

So tired.

Long day - a good day but long.  I worked, went to my big meeting and then class.  Class was great - fun.  Picked up some groceries and came home on the local train - read a book.  Now I'm here and I just put my stuff away and flossed and washed my face - put on pj's.  I'm so tired.  I have just 2 more days at that restaurant and tomorrow night I'm dancing and then seeing my guy.  I don't know what I'm doing again all of a sudden again.  Haha - all of a sudden again - what??  I want to say that I don't want to do comedy or act but that isn't true.  I just want to do it and be happy and pay my bills and work towards my future and stay sober.  Everything has changed.  One of these days I will be fully present in my art and life now and - what?  I mean I think some part of me is still trying to live like I was 10 years ago - do my art like I did 10 years ago and if I'm not then somehow I'm not doing it right.  I just want to be HERE - NOW.  That's it - just jump into the adventure of that.  Amen.  I have to go to sleep - holy fuckballs.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!! 

Friday, June 6, 2014

Skipped my acting class.....

I'm home - I went on an interview today and I don't think I will get the job (well because she told me that) because I work at the boutique - conflict of interest - but I loved the store - loved the area and am going to go back down there and get a job somewhere.  Then I went to the restaurant and I only worked for 5 hours and then sat there for 1 and 1/2 to wait for the money and I was EXHAUSTED.  I mean I was beyond tired.  FRIED.  I went and got some ice cream with some co-workers and then went to therapy and I felt so sick I had to go home.  I have to be back a the restaurant at 8:00 tomorrow and I just couldn't do it.  I came home and washed my shirt and took a bath and flossed.  I feel a bit better now and now I can go to sleep early.  Oh - I'm so sad.  I miss - what?  Performing more?  I don't know - I miss - having more time.  And I will soon - I just have 2 more weeks of this job and then I am done.  I just got off the phone with the guy - my boyfriend.  I love him so much - isn't that crazy??  I am just so grateful for him - he's so NICE and FUNNY.  Oh - lord - I'm so confused about where I am going creatively - but for now - for now - tonight - I'm going to go to sleep and do the best I can tomorrow and then meet him and love him.  Then I will see where Sunday takes me.  Oh boy - well - I'm going to focus on doing everything from a loving place of power.  That's it - that's my practice.  What does the Tao say?  "compassionate towards ourselves - we reconcile all beings in the world."  So there you go.  Love you my Bluebie Blueb - bye.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Glorious weekend.

It was a wonderful weekend - and it large part because I got to a meeting every single day I was there.  Fucking amazing.  I don't normally do that (when I go someplace else) and it made such an unbelievable, huge difference.  The weather was gorgeous and the rehearsal dinner, wedding and all the other things we did were wonderful.  We all sang different parts of "Say A Little Prayer For You" at the rehearsal dinner and they loved it.  What else?  I mean I can't even tell you how grateful I feel to have had such a beautiful weekend with my family and to not be hung over or thrown up or - I don't know - cried?  I mean I even got my period and it was still okay.  Years ago that would have been a game changer - I would have not been able to get up and go anywhere - holy fuck.  Do you know what's worse than having a hang-over??  Having a hang-over AND your period - fucking horrible - I mean beyond horrible.  EW - FUCKING EW - I'M SO GRATEFUL I DIDN'T DO THAT THIS WEEKEND!!!  I hope I was a good example of sobriety.  I danced my ass off with my family and that was so fun.  My uncle said to me the next day "You had fun last night right!?"  I said I had a blast.  Ha - and then he said "Wow - so you had that much fun without drinking??"  I said I did and how great is that.  WOW.  Now I am terrified about going towards my 5th year anniversary - that and the one year anniversary of my dog dying.  I went for a walk this morning in the park and there were all these dogs rolling onto their backs on the grass - ha - isn't that so cute?  Oh it made me cry - she was too old to really go to the park by the time we moved here - I guess I just didn't think she would like it.  Oh - oh my heart - oh good lord why am I doing this to myself right now?  Okay well I need to clean up around here and I have a couple of long weeks of work ahead of me - my last 2 weeks of waitressing.  I am working Friday, then Saturday and Sunday brunch and I have a feeling that by the time Sunday is over I may never go back - but I am going to do my best to see the 2 weeks through.  Okay - I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!!!!  Bye!!!