Thursday, June 30, 2016
Well that's dramatic but true. I'm on their farm- it's 6:41 am - I've been up since 4:30. Every night I wake up - I can't sleep. He just passed away in his sleep Sunday night - no warning - no drama - no falling down - just went to sleep and that was that. I'm so sad. I'm so sad and I'm going to miss him so much. 30 baby chicks came in the mail yesterday - I went and picked them up from the post office. When they brought them out from the back I could hear them chirping and I started crying. He just wanted to be a farmer and he was. That's it. I just went and checked on the chicks and let the other chickens out - let the dogs out - made coffee. Everyone is still sleeping. I can fall asleep at night, I just can't stay asleep. I wake up and remember and that's that. My poor mother - she found him. She thought he was just sleeping. Peacefully sleeping. Tomorrow is their wedding anniversary. I'm just so sad. I have tried to prepare myself for this but - well how can you? How could I? I'm just glad he didn't suffer. My brother said he was so nice the day before - excited about his birthday party coming up and just really being so wonderful. Ugh. It's so beautiful here right now too. It's so green and lush - birds everywhere and fire flies at night. He died the same month he was born. He died happy - can you imagine? So naturally just like he wanted to. He didn't take medications - haha - which maybe he should have and he would have lasted longer. I can sleep some other time I guess. I'm so glad I'm sober - I'm so grateful. This would be so hard drinking and it would have been so hard if I hadn't worked so hard to have a loving, healed relationship with him. I certainly haven't accomplished much in my life but in my heart I am so proud that I loved my parents. He knew I loved him and he loved me. And honestly I'm not sure what else matters. I mean besides everything but I am so grateful I was able to at least clean that up. Dear God. So now everything is going to change. But it always changes. I'm lucky I got as much time as I did. He had a hard life in many ways and yet he still had a lot of loving, soft parts. And he was funny! And gorgeous - holy cow - looking at all the pictures of him - his early Navy days, my parents wedding - he looks like a movie star. Does everyone say that about their parents I don't know? Anyway I'm crying and I'm not sure where/why/what is going to happen. He just wanted me to be happy. I mean - I just don't know what else I could ask for. Paying off my student loans maybe? That would have been nice. These next couple of days are going to be so hard. Today is the wake - tomorrow is the funeral. I just want to see him - I haven't been able to see him yet - I mean no one has. Ugh - life is so tender. He loved my guy. He loved my guy and wow - one thing about my father was if he didn't like you - he did not mess around. you were either in - or out. And when he didn't like a boyfriend - he knew it. I guess he would be semi-polite but not really. But he loved my guy. Really spent time with him and bossed him around a ton - which meant he REALLY liked you. Good lord. This coffee I made is disgusting. Haha - every morning. Is it their coffee maker or me? He had some specific formula for grinding the coffee and the water and honestly - he probably took that secret with him. I found out he had a Master's Degree. That's why I was born in California my brother said - because he was getting his Master's. I NEVER knew that. I just want to live with heart. Can I do that? Be happy, live with heart and let myself free? I'm not sure but it's the road I'm taking - at least for today. Those baby chicks are crazy adorable.....I keep just walking around the farm and taking it in. He always said it was so great I had this place to come to - from the city. Oh love. Oh life. Oh love.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
The computer needs to restart so I am going ot write really quickly. As opposed to the lengthy times I have been giving in the recent past. GOOD LORD - still crazy busy but it's my last week of class till September. I'm burnt the fuck out and I need to get my life together her in my new home still and get my acting/comedy life together too. I'm good with the decision - I need a little bit of a break. I'm still going to be doing stuff anyway - I just won't be in class. Okay so - so what else? I don't know - I had the time to write today and I was so excited and now I feel like I don't have much to say. Still super busy with work, shows, doing different things, meetings - the guy. We went tot the beach this weekend and it was glorious. I got sunburned for 8th million time in my life but not too bad. I put on sunscreen but not till I got there - too much wind I think. I'm okay today - I'm about to meditate. I have class today and then I'm going to go to a meeting. HA - I really don't have too much to say! When does that ever happen? Okay time to meditate/masturbate. LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Had a show last night - hosted, produced it. Woke up at 5 this morning and went and waitressed for 9 hours. Im finally home and Im so fucking tired. I also had an audition yesterday morning. Ah - ugh. I have got to change my mindset somehow - I was about to write I never get anything but really I just haven't gotten anything YET. That's it. Okay so in other horrifying news which I still cant really take in - my guy's daughter overdosed and is in the hospital. Honestly I don't know if I can handle this. His kids - it's too much. It's so terrifying. Ugh I don't know - I don't even know if I can keep writing - it's making me sick. My neck hurts and Im exhausted. I have my podcast tomorrow and class. I just need a break I guess. Well anyway - ah - I don't know - who is equipped to handle anyone's children overdosing?? Im not supposed to be ready for that. We will have to just talk about it - the poor guy. He went to an alanon meeting which is good. I have to go - I think Im going to go to bed at 9:30 - that sounds glorious to me. I miss writing on here so much. Ah - my life has changed and grown.....it's just what people say - we get sober and our life gets bigger. I never really understood what that meant - I really didn't. Now with class, this podcast, working, doing shows, my guy, meetings and more meetings and people - my life is bigger. Okay love you Bluebie bye.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
So here I am on the couch - which is glorious - listening to lawns being mowed and it's still early in the morning. 10;05 a.m. When I was still drinking - sometimes I would wake up at 10 a.m. and drink whatever was left over from the night before - warm beer, warm wine - and smoke more pot and then pass out again until 3:00 in the afternoon. My poor dog. Just sitting there - watching me kill myself. What a horrible pet parent I was. God - I'm sick thinking about it. I mean I loved her - more than anything but still. Jesus. I am writing this and thinking why am I doing this to myself - why think about that - I don't know why. I'm coming up on 7 years sober and it's terrifying. It always gets scary near my anniversary. I have to say this though - I can have compassion for myself for who I was then. I just couldn't get it. I couldn't get sober. I couldn't wrench myself away from it. Ugh and now the crazy part is that I have a solution - the program and all the tools I have to use and if I don't use them - I'm just as crazy as I was when I was drinking. Okay - but in a different way or rather without the relief. How terrifying and overwhelming is that?? That's my experience anyway. Okay so FUN TALKS. Anyway I had a crazy dream last night that woke me up and actually scared me so badly I didn't want to get up and pee - which I needed to. I just stayed in bed and went back to sleep. I dreamed that I was on some big flat raft in the water - a huge body of water like that ocean only it was fairly still - not to wavy. I was on the raft with my guy and a little boy with glasses. All of a sudden from not too far away this giant creature came out of the water - sort of like how dolphins and whales do - arched out of the water and dove back in. At first I thought maybe it was a whale but I realized it was some creature I have never seen before - It looked like a giant snake but also one I have never seen before and fatter - with a weird head - it had circular designs and scales around it's neck - it was fucking scary. It didn't get thinner like a snake at the end and it had like a finless tail if that makes any sense. So at first my guy was excited and said to the boy "Oh did you see that - cool!" But I realized by the time it got back into the water that it was scary and then suddenly the little boy was gone. I said where is he - the raft had gotten rocky form the creature and he must have gone overboard. Well my guy jumps in the water to go save him - look for him - I don't see the boy anywhere. Then suddenly I see a giant man underwater with flippers on and all sorts of scuba diving gear on and he had lights on and I wasn't sure why he was there - maybe he was looking for the creature. Just then to the left the little boy comes sputtering out of the water and I scream there he is and I think oh he resurfaces thank God. But just then he gets pulled under with a scream. I see the guy go over and dive down to get him and that's when I woke up fucking terrified. I felt like my bed was on the water and I did not want to get up and pee because I was afraid of the creature. UGH. I should not read those dumb "24 photos of things right before the most traumatic moments in history" before bed. WHAT THE FUCK. Anyway I told my guy and he said I should write it down so I did. LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYEEE!