Thursday, June 30, 2016

My Father Died.

Well that's dramatic but true.  I'm on their farm- it's 6:41 am - I've been up since 4:30.  Every night I wake up - I can't sleep.  He just passed away in his sleep Sunday night - no warning - no drama - no falling down - just went to sleep and that was that.  I'm so sad.  I'm so sad and I'm going to miss him so much.  30 baby chicks came in the mail yesterday - I went and picked them up from the post office.  When they brought them out from the back I could hear them chirping and I started crying.  He just wanted to be a farmer and he was.  That's it.  I just went and checked on the chicks and let the other chickens out - let the dogs out - made coffee.  Everyone is still sleeping.  I can fall asleep at night, I just can't stay asleep.  I wake up and remember and that's that.  My poor mother - she found him.  She thought he was just sleeping.  Peacefully sleeping.  Tomorrow is their wedding anniversary.  I'm just so sad.  I have tried to prepare myself for this but - well how can you?  How could I?  I'm just glad he didn't suffer.  My brother said he was so nice the day before - excited about his birthday party coming up and just really being so wonderful.  Ugh.  It's so beautiful here right now too.  It's so green and lush - birds everywhere and fire flies at night.  He died the same month he was born.  He died happy - can you imagine?  So naturally just like he wanted to. He didn't take medications - haha - which maybe he should have and he would have lasted longer.  I can sleep some other time I guess.  I'm so glad I'm sober - I'm so grateful.  This would be so hard drinking and it would have been so hard if I hadn't worked so hard to have a loving, healed relationship with him.  I certainly haven't accomplished much in my life but in my heart I am so proud that I loved my parents.  He knew I loved him and he loved me.  And honestly I'm not sure what else matters.  I mean besides  everything but I am so grateful I was able to at least clean that up.  Dear God.  So now everything is going to change.  But it always changes.  I'm lucky I got as much time as I did.  He had a hard life in many ways and yet he still had a lot of loving, soft parts.  And he was funny!  And gorgeous - holy cow - looking at all the pictures of him - his early Navy days, my parents wedding - he looks like a movie star.  Does everyone say that about their parents I don't know?  Anyway I'm crying and I'm not sure where/why/what is going to happen.  He just wanted me to be happy.  I mean - I just don't know what else I could ask for.  Paying off my student loans maybe?  That would have been nice.  These next couple of days are going to be so hard.  Today is the wake - tomorrow is the funeral.  I just want to see him - I haven't been able to see him yet - I mean no one has.  Ugh - life is so tender.  He loved my guy.  He loved my guy and wow - one thing about my father was if he didn't like you - he did not mess around.  you were either in - or out.  And when he didn't like a boyfriend - he knew it.  I guess he would be semi-polite but not really.  But he loved my guy.  Really spent time with him and bossed him around a ton - which meant he REALLY liked you.  Good lord.  This coffee I made is disgusting.  Haha - every morning.  Is it their coffee maker or me?  He had some specific formula for  grinding the coffee and the water and honestly - he probably took that secret with him.  I found out he had a Master's Degree.  That's why I was born in California my brother said - because he was getting his Master's.  I NEVER knew that.  I just want to live with heart.  Can I do that?  Be happy, live with heart and let myself free?  I'm not sure but it's the road I'm taking - at least for today.  Those baby chicks are crazy adorable.....I keep just walking around the farm and taking it in.  He always said it was so great I had this place to come to - from the city.  Oh love.  Oh life.  Oh love.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Real quick.

The computer needs to restart so I am going ot write really quickly.  As opposed to the lengthy times I have been giving in the recent past.  GOOD LORD - still crazy busy but it's my last week of class till September.  I'm burnt the fuck out and I need to get my life together her in my new home still and get my acting/comedy life together too.  I'm good with the decision - I need a little bit of a break.  I'm still going to be doing stuff anyway - I just won't be in class.  Okay so - so what else?  I don't know - I had the time to write today and I was so excited and now I feel like I don't have much to say.  Still super busy with work, shows, doing different things, meetings - the guy.  We went tot the beach this weekend and it was glorious.  I got sunburned for 8th million time in my life but not too bad.  I put on sunscreen but not till I got there - too much wind I think.  I'm okay today - I'm about to meditate.  I have class today and then I'm going to go to a meeting.  HA - I really don't have too much to say!  When does that ever happen?  Okay time to meditate/masturbate.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Exhausted.

Had a show last night - hosted, produced it.  Woke up at 5 this morning and went and waitressed for 9 hours.  Im finally home and Im so fucking tired.  I also had an audition yesterday morning.  Ah - ugh.  I have got to change my mindset somehow - I was about to write I never get anything but really  I just haven't gotten anything YET.  That's it.  Okay so in other horrifying news which I still cant really take in - my guy's daughter overdosed and is in the hospital.  Honestly I don't know if I can handle this.  His kids - it's too much.  It's so terrifying.  Ugh I don't know - I don't even know if I can keep writing - it's making me sick.  My neck hurts and Im exhausted.  I have my podcast tomorrow and class.  I just need a break I guess. Well anyway - ah - I don't know - who is equipped to handle anyone's children overdosing??  Im not supposed to be ready for that.  We will have to just talk about it - the poor guy.  He went to an alanon meeting which is good.   I have to go - I think Im going to go to bed at 9:30 - that sounds glorious to me.  I miss writing on here so much.  Ah - my life has changed and grown.....it's just what people say - we get sober and our life gets bigger.  I never really understood what that meant - I really didn't.  Now with class, this podcast, working, doing shows, my guy, meetings and more meetings and people - my life is bigger.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Day 2470.

So here I am on the couch - which is glorious - listening to lawns being mowed and it's still early in the morning.  10;05 a.m.  When I was still drinking - sometimes I would wake up at 10 a.m. and drink whatever was left over from the night before - warm beer, warm wine - and smoke more pot and then pass out again until 3:00 in the afternoon.  My poor dog.  Just sitting there - watching me kill myself.  What a horrible pet parent I was.  God - I'm sick thinking about it.  I mean I loved her - more than anything but still.  Jesus.  I am writing this and thinking why am I doing this to myself - why think about that - I don't know why.  I'm coming up on 7 years sober and it's terrifying.  It always gets scary near my anniversary.  I have to say this though - I can have compassion for myself for who I was then. I just couldn't get it.  I couldn't get sober.  I couldn't wrench myself away from it.  Ugh and now the crazy part is that I have a solution - the program and all the tools I have to use and if I don't use them - I'm just as crazy as I was when I was drinking.  Okay - but in a different way or rather without the relief.  How terrifying and overwhelming is that??  That's my experience anyway.  Okay so FUN TALKS.  Anyway I had a crazy dream last night that woke me up and actually scared me so badly I didn't want to get up and pee - which I needed to.  I just stayed in bed and went back to sleep.  I dreamed that I was on some big flat raft in the water - a huge body of water like that ocean only it was fairly still - not to wavy.  I was on the raft with my guy and a little boy with glasses.  All of a sudden from not too far away this giant creature came out of the water - sort of like how dolphins and whales do - arched out of the water and dove back in.  At first I thought maybe it was a whale but I realized it was some creature I have never seen before - It looked like a giant snake but also one I have never seen before and fatter - with a weird head - it had circular designs and scales around it's neck - it was fucking scary.  It didn't get thinner like a snake at the end and it had like a finless tail if that makes any sense.  So at first my guy was excited and said to the boy "Oh did you see that - cool!"  But I realized by the time it got back into the water that it was scary and then suddenly the little boy was gone.  I said where is he - the raft had gotten rocky form the creature and he must have gone overboard.  Well my guy jumps in the water to go save him - look for him - I don't see the boy anywhere.  Then suddenly I see a giant man underwater with flippers on and all sorts of scuba diving gear on and he had lights on and I wasn't sure why he was there - maybe he was looking for the creature.  Just then to the left the little boy comes sputtering out of the water and I scream there he is and I think oh he resurfaces thank God.  But just then he gets pulled under with a scream.  I see the guy go over and dive down to get him and that's when I woke up fucking terrified. I felt like my bed was on the water and I did not want to get up and pee because I was afraid of the creature.  UGH.  I should not read those dumb "24 photos of things right before the most traumatic moments in history" before bed.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Anyway I told my guy and he said I should write it down so I did.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYEEE!