Monday, May 31, 2010

I keep watching movies to get inspired

but so far it hasn't happened. I just cry or laugh or think but no inspiration. I read a story I started to write today. I wrote it a long time ago - I read it today. Like 10 years ago, long time ago. Well - it's good!! Incomplete but good. I also read a couple of jokes that are very funny. So I love to write - there is that. Ugh - I just watched The Private Lives of Pipa Lee which was really good. I liked it a lot. This is what I think right now blog - I am still cleaning house. But it's getting better. I am starting to really get rid of the clutter in my brain and the thoughts that I should be someone other than me. I should and want to be the best version of me I can be - BUT I want to get rid of all those prevailing thoughts where I'm - WRONG somehow. I could see a progression of change in my writing that I looked at today. From light hearted fantasy and reaality to a forced fantasy - emotional/intelligent combo that was FORCED. Not flowing or fun. Ah - I can't blame it all on that woman who directed and helped "create" my one-woman show. She didn't create - she - like - ugh - molded it on the way out of me. What a cunt. But in all fairness - I let her and - well - who cares? It's done now and never have to see her again. And in all fairness again I had an agenda in mind. Ooooo - an AGENDA - so saucey. I did - I wanted to get into a certain festival in a certain way and I wanted her and everyone else to help me get there and blah blah blah. I also was feeling guilty all the time for being ME and wanted people that I "associated" with to make me "look" better. Right - because that works. I want you to make me feel better and I want you to make me look better and I want this result for all of it. Oh BOY!! I got so mother fucking LOST somewhere - I really did. And my writing changed and my spirit changed. Ah - so sad - so sooooo sad. But okay - I'm here now - working really hard to let it all go. What would happen in the fairy tale at this time? The fallen princess would come to life again and what? I don't know. Go to the beach and HEAL. Pray, meditate and visit churches. Put a spell on herself to get rid of the bitterness - holy crud. Go to the edge of the ocean and throw all the bad thoughts and useless energy sucking bugs AWAY into the wind to be dissolved and lost in the waves. WOO-HOO!!!! I like that. Whooooshhh - away they go - I declutter me now and pronounce me BORN AGAIN!!! Oh that sounds exhausting. I declutter me and pronounce me on to a NEW PATH in LIFE!!!! Hoorahhhh!!! I'm so tired - please let me sleep before the morning tonight. I love you blog - my secret to helping open up my spigot of creativity. WOOOOOSHHHHHH. Plink. Shrinky dink.

Day 270 3:08 A.M.

So really I'm at 9 months sober. And boy are my arms tired!!! Haahahaaaaaa. And big sigh. My manager at work always makes fun of the fact that I laugh really hard and then sigh the biggest saddest sigh afterwards. It kind of sums me up as a person. Things crack me up - I laugh hysterically and then I remember the never ending pit of sadness inside me. Well - um - I have nice boobs even though they are lopsided. One whole entire size difference and on a bad day a size and a half. One time I went to Victoria's Secret and got measured and this big giant black security gaurd lady measured me and she was like (REALLY loud) "girl you got ONE BIG BOOB - like one big boob. Okay - we are going to have to work with that." It was great - fun times. Why a security gaurd was measuring me I have no idea and for all I know she just had on a horrible outfit - either way I have worn padded bras for years because this woman told me to because I would look better. Not FEEL better - LOOK better. Um - go F yourself security guard lady - now I wear (the one that I own) a not padded bra because it feels better and I don't give a hoot if I have lopsided boobs. Because for all intents and purposes they look great. One on one they are awesome. So suck it lady. Whoa - why didn't I just leave and get measured somewhere else? Part of my life problems - stuckness. I think I can't leave, move, change, look away - walk away - say no - say yes - say ew. I feel so often like I am sitting on a volcano. Just always trapped. I always felt trapped growing up. I couldn't have, say or do what I wanted so I just sat there. I didn't have it in me to be a rebel really so I was just a nothing. How pathetic is that? I am sensitive and I don't like to much noise or too many people or - drama. Ha - in or with other people. Me it's fine. So I totally couldn't be the crazy wild maniac child - f that. I just didn't do my homework and read books and watched TV. Wow - way to REBEL. That is so f-ing bizarre. And sad. The only subjects I did well at in school were reading and writing. Always. Always? I don't know - in high school and when I went to college my teachers were always using my writings for examples and saying how much they liked them and I always got A's. It confused the shit out of my parents. I'm a confusing person I guess. I feel like crying. I feel like I got swept under the rug. Or shoved behind the bookcase. Or - or left on the mantle and got really dusty. Like a recipe that almost got made but stopped halfway through. Worse - a cake that got made but never frosted. Jesus - I am PATHETIC. I just have that same feeling now and I wich it would change. I always felt to old - to whatever to do what I wanted and like the time had passed me. And I feel that way again. Argh - and I know it's not true. Last night I got home and I thought to myself - it's not true. There is still time for me to do whatever I want to do. Like if I do it in my 40's it doesn't count?? BULLSHIT. Jesus. I'm just staring to rumble and - I don't know. Get stirred up and my energy is frenetic and it's not directed. And honestly I think I have to put on a bigger cap and think differently. The answer isn't going to be what I ever thought the answer was before. It's fine if I'm frustrated and I should feel that. But I have to back off of a total contained package answer. But I do want to be creative. I honestly yearn for that. I'm getting tired. I want to paint and dance and sing and let it OUT. Happy Memorial Day and you look great in the middle of the night blog. Super super sexy. I look your pjs. Nighty night blog of love!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

What am I going to do with my life?

Day 266. Holy cow - I am nuts. I am also hot because it was 90 degrees today. I managed to get to a meeting and to Blockbuster and I got a salad for dinner. I used an online calorie counter thing and it turns out I was eating about twice as many calories as I need. Oh - well that explains a lot. So I had one cookie instead of 2 and I had half a Charleston Chew - OKAY TWO THIRDS OF IT - jeez and a salad. What the fuck. I wasn't even that hungry - I'm just annoyed and don't know what to do with this annoying feeling inside me. Will it ever go away? I watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona tonight and it was awesome. SO beautiful and sexy. Penelope Cruz was amazing in it and so was - well everyone was great. Remember when I wanted to be an actress? Remember when I did stand-up comedy? Remember when I went to dance class all the time - and acting class and voice classes? Remember when I never thought I was really good at anything? Well - except comedy. I am funny and I am a good joke writer. I guess. Part of me is only saying that because people want to take my jokes all the time. Well at least they ask. Anyway - I don't even think I'm being hard on myself - I'm not really that great at anything. But I love LOVE LOOOOVVEEE the arts. All growing up I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to go to art high school and then art college. I REALLY wanted to be Lawrence Welk and I then that turned into Prince. I wanted to be a short, black AMAZINGLY TALENTED man. What's wrong with that - he is the mother fucking shit. And I have to be honest with you blog - at this moment - right here - I don't know what I'm good at. I would have been a good teacher but my SOUL wasn't in it. And now - now I'm so tired and/or just - ugh in my first year of sobriety I guess. Why did I wait so long? I wish I stopped drinking sooner and went back to school. It never fucking occured to me to go to school. To get my Masters. I'm probably not spelling that correctly. My housemate/landlord went out for like 2 hours tonight so I was able to clean and do some laundry. And open my door. If I open my room or me up in any way he will come talk to me or ask me things or to do him favors or tell me about his illnesses that he doesn't have. He thought (which I knew he didn;t have) this crazy ear disease and today the doctor said he had a vitamin deficiency. Oh boy - now he's going to have to stop walking with that cane!!! I don't know - am I an ass? Why am I still here? This is nuts. Part of why I live here is because of a guy. I think part of me thought I would be near this guy and that he and my landlord were friends and that since things didn't work out with my husband they would surely work out with him. Um - riiiiight. That is the most ridiculous thing in the world. And now - ever since I have been getting sober - the thought of him is just fading away. It just seems so childish and - just - I don't know. I'm not interested in torturing myself with it and it feels like it never happened. So. So I cleaned tonight and I knew I didn't have to go to a meeting but I also knew if I didn't - I would get depressed. So I guess I did have to go. That movie was so fucking sexy. In a healthy way. Not in a creepy dark way. What? In a sexy, loving way. Oh jeez - it's summer time and I think God made me fat so I don't freak out and just bang someone on the street. Clean bathroom, clean toilet, clean shower, clean bed and sheets, clean toenails. Dirty hair, dirty body (sweaty from cleaning and walking around the city), dirty mind. And a hopelessly desperate soul. I want to have a love affair. Well a permanent one. What?? I don't know - stop judging me blog or whatever you are doing. Oh - lauging at me? Ignoring me? Listening to your Ipod? Doodling - I bet you are doodling. Boobs and penises - I bet that's what you are doodling. I need to go to sleep and then break up with my gym tomorrow and join a new one. I need to make the rest of my rent this weekend and I need to make enough money to join the gym. IS IT POSSIBLE?? WILL IT HAPPEN?? WILL SOME GORGEOUS GUY LOVE ME? IN A SEXY LOVING WAY? I'm tired and I hope you are too.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Day 265

Oh holy cow I'm actually almost at 9 months. WOW. I'm almost sober 9 months. I have never been sober 9 months in my entire life. When I was growing up it was television, and the food at different times - men - shopping - let's see - what else? I don't know but I'm not doing those things except for food but oh well, I guess I am watching lots of Hulu but I'm in love with these shows!! House, Bones, Castle and Lie to Me. I also like Burn Notice. Whatever - I'm not perfect and I'm not being a total disastrous unaware of my self mess. I think. I've been picking my face. I haven't done that for like 14 years. So that's weird. What the fuck - can't I be proud of myself for being sober? Almost 9 months is AMAZING and it's been hard. I have to feel these feelings and let myself be uncomfortable or I will not be able to move on. What? Ugh - what I'm really saying is I want to speed up this process somehow. Heal up and move on so I feel skinny and sexy and I can do what I want to do!! Even though I don't know what I want to do!! How ridiculous is that? I'm so fat. I weigh so much. More than I have ever weighed. And people will not stop offering me seats on the mother fucking subway. They wave and get my attention - it's so fucking embarassing. And sweet I guess - people can be nice. The guy who I live with - in his house - he never leaves. He never leaves the fucking house - it's so annoying. And he limps around with a cane even though he doesn't need it and he smokes pot out of paper towel tubes with tin foil in them. He also has male prostitutes or Craig list hook-up men over all the time and he make them leave their shoes by the front door. It took me so long ti figure out why the fuck he has them take off their shoes. Sometimes he brings them in through the back door and he has them leave their shoes there. I know this because I walk in and out of the house and I have seen sooooo mony pairs of shoes it's insane. One time I saw I pair by the front door as I walked the dog out the front and then this guy came walking by me - WITH THE SNEAKERS ON. It was so fucking weird. He just looked totally normal - just strolling down the street. And just to make double sure I walked back in and looked and indeed the shoes were gone. They woke me up in the middle of the night they were banging so loud. What the heck is that?? I think that I had the perfect place to just be destroying myself with booze and drugs. Yuck. I sound crazy but I don't care. I like writing - I really do - this feels so good. It's just where my life is right now. I hope that - well here's what I hope now. I hope I get sober, grow up, get awesome work and then I hope I meet someone real. Who loves ME. And whom I love. Who really cracks me up and just loves the shit out of me. And whom I am CRAZY about - really, really crazy about. And who thinks I'm funny because if that isn't there - forget about it. Well - that's all. Sex. I can't believe I might have it again one day. In a healthy way. I wanted to join the Peace Corps when I was younger but I couldn't imagine not having a boyfriend - or not having sex. Wow - I'm going to go ahead and say it's best I didn't go if that was my frame of mind anyway. Now - now I just can't imagine who I could fall in love with. I want someone to kiss me in that way - that soft, loving, tender way. Like I saw tonight on House. HAAA - how ridiculous!!! Like on House. I am a 12 year old. This isn't what I thought my life would be like. Living with a gay pothead in Harlem in a beautiful house that's a bed and breakfast with a one-eyed chihuahua, divorced from a man who has my full name tattooed on his arm. My biggest claim to fame in my life right now is the CD we made together and that one music video. I was soooo fat and miserable in that video. And I look so much better than I do now. We were up all night long doing coke the night before the video shoot. He wouldn't stop doing coke and so I started to do it with him to try and save the marriage. And I hate coke. Thank GOD I knew better than to have a baby. I guess I wanted to see the hold it had over him and why. SO bizarre and sad. What is my point blog? I don't know. I guess I want to get all this stuff aout and part of me hopes someone will read this and then get in touch withme and offer me tons of money and a beach house to write for them and star in their TV show. Or some other version of that. Write music for them and sing on their newest CD. My shoulders are tight and I'm frustrated and annoyed and tired now. Exhausted really. I have to try and sleep - at least I need to shut the shades and get in bed and read and write mor ein my journal. Relax if you will. Thanks blog. TV and movie kissing - what a mind game. I love you - even more than TV and movie kissing.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Oh wow

I feel a tiny bit emberassed about that rant I went on - although I'm glad I did that instead of drinking or doing drugs. Here's the thing - the next night was so much better. I just did the best I could and I tried to be nice to the door guys before hand. Oh - wait - what am I talking about? Friday night also sucked. Saturday night was better. And today - today was a good day. I went to a play that a new friend produced and it was hilarious - so awesome. And I met the guy in the show afterwards. He was nice to me - and very down to earth. He's famous so I guess that always surprises me. They must have had so much fun doing it - rehearsing it. She was amazing and she's even more famous than him. She just put it out there. Balls to the wall - so great. So what did I learn this week? I don't know. I love theatre. Theater? You watch shows in a theater is I think how it works. Anyway when I was in the theater today and the lights went down, I put my head back and just loved in all the magic that happens in those moments before the show starts. Everything is quiet and dark and just - magical. I've always loved it so much that part. It's like taking a shower in the dark or - swimming underwater with your eyes closed. Just - otherworldy and mysterious and exciting and QUIET. Jesus - I love quiet so much. The woods are quiet and moist and mysterious and I love that too. But alive - so sooo alive. Ahhh - I don't know. I don't know what I want to do but I know that I like quiet, moist things so I should figure it out from that in no time. Oh I also like being sarcastic. Yes I do. I just gave up on Saturday and decided to do the best I could and not try that hard and do the best I could to get what I wanted. Which was to make as much money as possible. I feel like I'm lying partially because I also don't want to say I got my period because I think that's gross but I did and that had to help me from being not so grumpy. A relief. Oye yoi yoi. I had to call my therapist from work on Friday and my sponsor. How many people does it take to raise a full grown woman? A lot is the answer. I want to have a life where I get to be funny also. But I don't know if it's going to be stand-up. Hotel rooms are gross and I - I don't know. Really - I don't know. It's so bizarre. I almost want to go back to school. I think I feel like I'm 14 emotionally. Maybe older. What do I like? I like to read and write. I like to make people laugh and I like to cry and I like boys. Yes - I'm 14 emotionally. Look I just really want to be happy and healthy. I have no idea what that looks like on the outside I only know what that wants to feel like on the inside. So - so that means liking myself and giving myself a break right now and also letting myself heal on the inside. Really heal up this hole and this emptiness inside of my heart and soul. Okay I have to go to sleep. I love you and I missed you. I will tell God you said hellooooooo.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I HATE MY JOB

I hate it - I hate it so much. I had to leave tonight without saying goodbye. I realized at the end of the shift that the SCUMBAG FUCKING CREEPY GROSS DISGUSTING DOUCHEBAG of a doorman once again sat the room according to who flirts with him. Which means - even though I had horrible people and had to deal with total bullshit - she made tons of money because she flirts with him. So because the dishwasher didn't show up the creep also did that job so that he could make that money also. And where I work we tip out the dishwasher - so I had to tip out this fucking asshole for fucking me over basically. I'm not sure if this makes any sense except the big thing is that - these people don't give a shit about ANYTHING but themselves and it sucks. He fucked me over and the other girl there also. NOt the one who made all the money - there was 3 of us working. @ of us made about 100 each and the other one made almost 300. Which can happen - you can have a great night and bad nights. The point is he sat all the underaged people and one HORRENSOUS large party in my sextion and gave the other girl hardly any people and she said everyone was stiffing her. So instead of making it even - spacing out all the people amongst everyone - he gave her ALL the good ones. Look - I know I sound crazy but I'm not and the part that makes me most angry is he's married and he's a complete dirtball. And more than that - part way through the night a group of 7 women came in and he asked me to take them and I did and because he was washing dishes they got rowdy and upset people. He's the doorguy and the bouncer and he's supposed to police the room. But instead he was washing dishes to make extra money. And creepy girl made more money tonight than most people make on a Friday or Saturday and NEVER at some places. It totally sucks and it makes me completely disrespect the place. The manager SEES the paperwork - you see I made this much and she made that much and the other girl made this much. AND you SEE the guy is a dirtball and nobody does anything. The place is a mess and I'm sick of it. I want a new job. I want a job where I am taken care of because I DO A GOOD JOB and because I'm a good person and I'm nice and I tip out well. Jesus - I shouldn't even be doing this for a living. I just can't stand that he gets to be a creep and manipulate my money - it's complete bullshit. It's so wrong. And he hates me anyway because when he first started working there he treid to tell me what to do about a check and I said please leave me alone - I'm responsible for this money and I don't know what you are talking about. He proceeded to keep trying to get in my face till I said LOUDLY - GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU ARE COMPLETELY FREAKING ME OUT - what do you not understand about getting away from me? Well ever since then we have had problems and he just LOVES to pretend like we are friends now until a night like this when I realize - no - no we are not friends - you would run me over for 45 dollars. I knew that one waitress was being to quiet. Such a scumbag this chick is - it's crazy. But she gets what she wants - and if what you want is having that guy anywhere near you then HAVE the money because he is NEVER going to touch me. One time he really got in my face - freaked me out - I went and got the manager because he's a big dude - he could hurt me. She told him to leave me alone - but she wasn't there so she was like - you leave him alone also. Well the next night - he tried to hug me - like hold me?? He was like - come here - come here - all gesturing with his arms in a SUPER CREEPY SOFT WAY and I said - no - no I amnot feeling well and I am not doing that. Then one of the other door guys tells me that this guy said he tried to make up with me but I shot him down. And I said Oh - oh I shot down being held by him in a dark hallway - yes - yes - that's true. And he was like - oh - ohh. Durrrrr. This same guy (second door guy) also told me that he's the best looking and the smartest in his family. Um - oh - OKAY - sure - great - do you want the number for where I go to therapy because you are fucking crazy. Never once did Senor Creepy Seater say SORRY for getting in your face and threatening you physically because I don't like that you won't flirt with me. All of it is so fucking illegal and dare I say - neanderthal type behavior but it's bad for the club. He wasn't doing his job - he wasn't taking care of the show. It's poorly taken care of and I just see how bad it is. It's like watching something fall apart only I have a feeling this is how it's always been. Look - I wouldn't have a job - except for the fact that we were allowed to drink on the job and that's why I was. EVERYONE smoked pot and so I did. But I got in trouble for drinking and then I ahd to go back there - mortified with my tail between my legs and have everyone be pissed at me because they couldn't drink while they were working anymore. And now - almost a year and a half later - I am being fucked over by someone who sexually harasses people and blatantly manipulates the system for his own purposes. I don't want to work there anymore and I don't know what to do. My sister (who is the only one who knows about this blog) said I should ask you blog to help me get a new job. I'm so upset - tonight was horrible - AWFUL and there is still the weekend. Everytime he works I have the worst night - the worst customers - he loads them all on me. He must actually be a decent judge of character because somehow he knows which people are difficult. And I look like I'm a bad waitress. And it makes me more upset that I care what kind of waitress I am except I want to do the best I can at whatever I'm doing. And I lead another discussion tonight at a meeting and it was mortifying and I didn't feel like I did a good job. I don't know - I don't know if I can do this. I have really bad PMS and I really feel like I'm going to lose my shit. And tomorrow night is a bad night. I will be sat crazily. I'm just angry and awake and I hate how much I hate these people. And then I feel left out. And I also - I just really - I'm afraid. I'm afraid to drink again - and I should be. I want to love myself. I have to figure out a way to protect myself. How to insulate myself. He and she already are getting the shit end of the stick but I have to take care of myself and I don't know how to do that. I guess I just have to get a new job. I have to go out and find one. I'm so sad that I have to go find ANOTHER waitressing job. It makes me crazy in my head. So so sosososo crazy. I think I have to let this go right now. And if tomorrow night is the same way I have to - I don't know. Talk to the managers? Right - I should tattle and look like an asshole and they are fucking spineless and that's why there are scumbags working there to begin with. Nothing will change - it will just be worse. God please help show me the way. I do not know the way. I will call my therapist tomorrow and my sponsor and go to a meeting and the gym. Please help me to listen inside myself and find an answer. Please help me to help me more. Please. Help me to love myself more. Let me love myself more than I hate them. That has got to be the better way. Thank you for being here blog. You are a really good listener.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Okay

Look - I just don't know how to live right quite yet and I'm pretty sure that makes sense. And I don't know what to do with myself and that's okay. I feel like I need to apologize which is ridiculous because no one is reading this!!! This is for me. Jeez. I need to go to bed. I love you and I can be mad at you tomorrow.

Ugh

I just ate so much junk food and I had McDonald's for dinner. I just feel gross. I'm depressed and I have PMS. Who wants to read about this?? Look - this is where I am - THIS PRETTY MUCH BLOWS. I would be so high and wasted right now. For sure and - well I'm not and if tonight I needed to eat a bunch of crap so be it. It will get better - I guess - that's what everyone says. It's just I'm tired and I suppose if I went to the gym and I meditated and prayed I would feel better but I can't. I took a shower today - changed a light bulb - made sure to make my bed and call my sponsor and I went to a meeting. I want to have sex - or snuggle or - go on a date? No - I'm to tired for a date - I so DO NOT want to have sex - I am so fat right now. I would turn off all the lights and just lay there. Um - boo - that is sucky sex. Oh - my heart and my soul hurts and let's face it I am feeling SORRY for myself!! So sososososo - sorry for myself. I'll never find true love agian - my career is over, blah blah blah. This is emotionally, soulfully and physically very painful for me. My body hurts. My lyme disease seems to be acting up or my body hurts from being old and a dpressed waitress. I just don't get it. How do people get to the other side of this?? I'm emberassed all the time - about my behavior and then in sharing also. I share a the meetings but I don't TOTALLY want to share. I don't REALLY want to be honest. I want to be some rosey, happy version of a drunk. Right - because that exhists. It's all so hard to deal with. I don't want to remember not feeling good in my childhood. I don't want to remember that I wasn't taken care of emotionally. Although in all fairness - I'm emotional squared. The most focused parents on that type of stuff would have had trouble with me. And I feel stupid because I'm so lucky that this is what I'm dealing with. I need a vacation or something. I wish I could paint. I wish I had a big giant room I could paint in and dance in and swim in. That's all. I feel like I'm never going to get better blog. It scares me and for pete's sake it's pathetic and then THAT'S not a nice way to talk to myself. I'm so hard on myself it's ridiculous. I'm tired and lonely and I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm having a hard time and that's just it. Please help me to help me God. That's my prayer. Thanks blog and thanks God.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

I worked 3 shows

I just waitressed for 3 shows and it was so exhausting and stressful. I get so stressed out when I am there and I get so grumpy and act like such an asshole. Then I also start talking shit about people who work there that I don't like. IT'S AWFUL. Then I make my money and start laughing - get home and I'm like "oh it wasn't that bad." REALLY? It's totally nuts - except it's fast and good money. And if the job wasn't the way it is - I wouldn't HAVE a job. I almost got fired for being drunk. WASTED - so completely fucked up. I got suspended and it was mortifying and scary and very bad timing because - UGHHHH - why am I talking about this? I feel bad that I get upset at work - but I'm just not used to having these feelings and I'm - I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle myself or how to work with people I don't like. And since I'm not dating anyone - I just - I also feel ugly and fat. I kind of am on the chubby side and since I am built like a quarter back it doesn't look so great on me. Jeez this is depressing. But it's true - this is hard. But again - I'm sosososoosososo grateful that I made money tonight and I can pay a couple of bills this week and eat. Ha - oh well I do need to eat. And I have tomorrow off. I am going to sleep - I thank you for being here blogarooski.

I'm so tired and thankful

I'm so sleepy. I worked and now I'm exhausted. I am amazed at how long it has taken me to clean up after the marriage. I'm to tired to write - I've learned so much and I'm not as upset anymore. I'm starting to not even be mad at him. He's trapped in time with his own stuff. We didn't want to hurt each other. I don't believe he set out to hurt me. Ah - perhaps I am starting to grow up. Goodnight Moon!!!

Friday, May 14, 2010

I just cleaned

Whoa - I just cleaned my room. I dusted and vacuumed. It tokk over 2 hours. I also cleaned the dog, cleaned out her ears and gave her her heartworm medication. She always hides under the bed after I do her ears - she hates it. I'm so happy I took the time - oh I also cleaned the mirrors in the bathroom and the one by my bed. I cleaned the bathroom last week. I'll do it again on Sunday maybe? Anyway I used to let things get pretty bad when I was drinking and smoking pot. Pretty is such a weird adjective to use when describing how NOT pretty things were. Dog included. And me?? I must have smelled so bad. Horrendous. I wouldn't change my clothes for weeks at a time sometimes. I would wear them around the clock. Sleep in them and everything. Never shower - once a week when I was doing okay. I have a lot of hair (on my head) and boy - it gets NASTY when not washed. And I would juuuust ignore it. I can't believe I used to live like that - only 8 months ago. I was such a sick sick person. After I quailified last night and I heard my own story again I was shocked. I was really - just a mess. An angry rageful mess. I'm really grateful that right now I'm just a tiny bit mad still I got woken up by garbage trucks this morning. And that I could clean and wash my sheets before work. Right now my life is tiny bit boring - not so FABULOUS - but I need this. I need calm and clean. I realized once I got sober that if I don't wash my hair when it's dirty I get really confused and I start to get annoyed and frustrated. I recognize this is probably something people realize at 5 but what can I say - I just did. Anyway I'm going to have to say the same goes for my room and my bathroom. They have to be clean - or reasonble so (I do have a dog and live in Harlem which make spic and span cleaning a bit tricky) OR I'm a little extra coo-coo. I always liked that word coo-coo. I guess it's 2. Anyway I like it. I have to get ready for work which I need to work tonight - I need the money. Well and I also need the company and to stay busy taking care of myself. Everyone needs the money!! So I have to shower but maybe I will remember to blog again when I get home. I love you and your blueberry dreams.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I'm new to this and each time I have written a post I have posted it before spell checking it. Or sentence or syntax - or whatevering it and apparently you can't go back in and fix what you have written? I'm not sure who I'm asking since no one is reading this. I'm having a bit of a challenging day today - sobriety wise. I'm REALLY REALLY SUPER sensitive inthe emotional department and to say that it's overwhelming to feel all my feelings without buffers is an understatement. What is really amazing to me is that this is kind of the easy part. Since I don't have a relationship or children or even crazy work - I am able to spend a lot of time healing. I go to meetings often and I now go to the gym a whole bunch - okay - at least 4 times a week average now - and for me that's A LOT!!! I wasn't doing anything for the first 5 months of my sobriety. So - wow - I feel so much better after writing this - I really love this blog. I was going to change the name but I don't know how so I guess it stays Blueberries and Dreams. Ahhh - it's a tiny little bit dzorky (I want to say GAY but it sounds mean) but I like it. Okay - I'm going to walk to work but first go to a meeting and qualify. That's when you share with everyone your story - pretty crazy - but for me hearing those stories is oh so helpful. I don't mean to rush things but I think I love you blog.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I grew up on a farm. We had blueberry bushes and rasberry bushes - they were already growing there when we moved there. In the summer time we would go out to the bushes and go underneath the netting (cheesecloth type stuff to protect the bushes from birds) and pick the blueberries and put them in pancakes or just eat them. One of my favorite memories is of all the canned fruit that we had. There were pear trees that had tons of pears all over them and my parents didn't know what to do with them so they cooked them and put them in jars. We are talking mid 1970's and I'm not sure how "cool" it was but that's what all our teachers got as presents for the holidays. Those gold lidded clear glass jars with bows on them. Red bows. There were not as many berry bushes. Just enough for us. 7 of us. One bathroom - a SMALL one. So my father built an outhouse. WIth a blue toilet seat that they had traveled all over the USA with. They were in the NAvy until they bought the farm and he said that you always needed a toilet seat. To this day they still have the same kithen table they got early in their marriage. And he FOUND it in the trash and then refinished it. They have been married for 47 years. I was married for 2 years. We had a band together, recorded a CD and his name is tattoed on his arm. MY WHOLE NAME. We got married after 6 weeks and I can tell you I was honestly shocked at how painful it really was. But in all honesty I can play music now and I love writing songs. Ditties is probably more like it but the honest part was that something good came of it. Ugh - I went from pleasant blueberry memories to a nightmare. I had always DREAMED of being in a band so there you go - I was. Now I am sober and I have started a blog which I also have always wanted to do. Hmmm - I'm really enjoying this blogging. Talk to you soon boon.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

My very first blog

This is my very first blog. I want to remain annonymous because I want to be able to be honest. I am starving for creativity and especially writing. I write in a journal all the time but this feels different and I LIKE it. Holy crap - I have been on quite a ride so far in this life. I am finally sober (yes - like THAT) and I am so grateful although completely lost creatively. I am just over 8 months sober so I am still in the phase where I am not supposed to worry about my ruined career or my lack of - creativity. How many times have I said that so far?? Jesus. Well - it's where I am. Sober and lost. I was a bad drunk and I'm a woman and that look gets old really fast. Plus I was a pothead and add cigarettes to it and that all equals - NOT SEXY. Ugh - puking is the worst and hang overs are worse. I do not regret getting sober - I'm just - not knowing what to do with myself and it's frustrating. I love blueberries - they are very helpful to the healing process and I can tolerate them. Blueberry juice is one of my favorites and blueberry green tea is soooo yummy. The Republic of Tea makes a great one. And dreams are what we are made of and I'm a big dreamer. I always have had my head in the cloudsbut I believe in dreams - having them and following them. So this is my Blueberries and Dreams Blog. It's nice to meet you.