Thursday, June 28, 2012

I just decided something.

This move plus my birthday are bringing up lots of thoughts of regret - not having kids - not being Angelina Jolie...blah blah blah.  But here's the thing - at almost every stage of life (and I am laughing while realizing this - okay - grinning) I have been regretful.  Okay so this is what I have decided - I am making the best of it from now on.  I was able to move in 3 WEEKS and I am in a better place and the happy dog is proof of that.  Now I have the freedom to make the most of it - in every area of my life.  Total acceptance - totally making the best of it.  I just want to get lined up with God.  I guess I would also like to not be SO creeped out by people and perhaps me having a better attitude will help with that.  I also need a good book to read - that would help also.  Bye Bluebie!!!  I love you!!!

Hi - I'm overly sensitive right now.

As opposed to when??  I'm always overly sensitive!!  I'm just adjusting ot his new freedom.  My friend had a good point that everyone is creeping me out now that Creepy isn't around to creep me out.  It is like this big tumor has ben removed and now I'm uncomfortable that it's gone.  I went home last night after work and I was able to clean a bit and I watched a movie and ate a LOT of  McDonald's and took a BATH - what??  I also went to bed early and I got a lot of sleep.  I also took the dog on a nice long walk and she was SO happy!!  She wasn't even limping as much - how crazy is that?  I also feel like I am deflating - I suppose the lack of cigarette smoke?  This woman is in here right now yelling on her phone - um - I hate it.  Is it really crazy that I find it awful?  I need a vacation.  I need the beach.  I need to have FUN!!!  Okay - so once I get more adjusted in this apartment and a little more landed I'm going to start having FUN.  For real.  This lady is really creeping me out.  Bye Blueberry.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

This lady just came in the store

bought an inexpensive necklace and earring set and was VERY nervous about branching out wearing that type of glittery jewelry (okay - not glittery at all - more of our subdued stuff for real).  So nervous in fact that after she bought them she came back in with a bag of her own dresses to try them on and show me and see if I thought they looked alright.  I'm not kidding.  Well just now - she brought them back.  She is totally - she makes me so uncomfortable.  I mean she brought in her own clothes to try on at a store!!!  Then she brings BACK the necklace and earrings.  I just want to throw then away - she has the strangest energy and she smiles like a 5 year old and she tries to grab on with her smile.  Also I can't look her in the eye - it makes me want to curl up in a ball.  This time when she came in I thought to myself  "I better stay close to the panic button."  She bought quite a few things over Christmas and I thought she was odd then but now - I just - anyway.  Talk about bizarre - she brought in her own clothes to try on here and then returned the stuff.  I FEEL USED!!  Why do I feel guilty that she is weird??  Bye Bluebers.

I'm moved!!!

The dog is happy!!  She likes it!!!  She kept wagging her tail and bumping around in the apartment last night - it was soooo cute.  She woke up totally happy too.  It poured rain right in the middle of movin(and the movers were totally getting high!!) and I didn't have electricity for the first 2 hours I was there but they flipped the breaker in the basement and it came on.  I woke up happy also although last night was a little tricky - I got a little lonely.  The water pressure is AMAZING!!  It took like 14 seconds to get my hair wet and that is really something.  I unpacked a bunch of stuff, got the computer and the bed all set up, put up the shower curtain and wrote in my journal.  I don't have the internet and I tried to get on to one of my neighbors but that did NOT work.  When I left the house Creepy was like "The house won't be the same without you!!" and I said "You're welcome" but he didn't laugh.  I also had to tell him that not only was the sink broken but that I dropped a tampon down it and couldn't get it out.  UNUSED to be clear.  We got some super long tweazers and got it out and he asked if it was on purpose.  It really wasn't!!  If I didn't tell him about it - that would have been on purpose!!  It's a nice neighborhood - quiet and clean.  I want to explore the park soon.....there is a super creepy guy looking in the window right now.  Okay - sooooooooo......unpacking my stuff that has been stored for 5 & 1/2 years was hard but honestly I'm so glad to have it.  I had a whole kitchen ready to go - really wonderful.  Now I just have to wash it all!!  Okay - Bluebs - love you!! 

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Right in the middle of moving.

I signed the lease and today I got the keys to the apartment and finally got to go in and look at it again.  It definitely needs to be cleaned but just in a once over kind of way - very cute - very quiet.  The building is a pre-war building - brick - nice.  All the neighbors were nice to me and I like the vibe.  I didn't get to do much exploring because I wanted to come back here.  I have to say coming back here this neighborhood seemed so amazing.  It's far away this apartment and I'm for sure experiencing some sadness about leaving here.  I know it's insane - it's just change - I don't do it well.  I am excited though and I called con-ed and got the electric turned on, got the Internet ready, changed my address with the post office and all my bills.  I'm going to go there tomorrow and clean and officially move on Monday.  I have the night off tonight which is crazy but it's perfect so I can pack.  I thought it was going to be so simple and then I packed one box and got exhausted.  No one has been at the house for hours which has been so great because I have really been able to get some stuff done.  I'm on my way out of here - isn't that amazing?  It's like I'm being set free.  Holy fuck balls - so crazy.  I love you Bluebie.  I love you.  Oh wow - someone just called me to work!!  HOORAY!!  I'll pack tomorrow.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Holy stress balls.

I am just sitting here waiting till tomorrow.  It's literally 100 degrees outside so now the store is so slow.  I have the lights turned down really low and the mirrored doors open so there is air flow but I think maybe it makes it look not so great in here?  I can't - the air conditioner is so mediocre - I can't just sit here totally hot - I can't.  Okay - let's be positive - how do I be positive?  I forgot.  I can do it!!  That's a start - right??  Okay - wowzers - I will write more tomorrow.  For now I need to look at celebrity gossip more.  NO - I won't do that - I know - I will write in my journal - okay - there we go.  Bye Bluebers!!  I love you.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Here's my ideal apartment - a poem.

Smells good
smoke free - cigarette and otherwise
Small enough to clean easily
Big enough to dance freely in
Very cute
A sense of freedom
the ability to create freely in it
a truly magical place
my own place
a gorgeous bathtub
a beautiful yet small functioning kitchen with an oven
closet space
hard wood floors that are beautiful
nice windows where my plants can grow and i can have FLOWERING plants even
the doggie will be happy
i can walk her easily, safely and often
great neighborhood
nice neighbors who do NOT smoke
close to my jobs right now
near great restaurants and groceries
A place where God can flow through me easily and I can focus and let my spigot WIDE open
Did I mention be able to be SUPER creative in?
A safe haven.  Amen.

Well okay.

My sister gave me a push to push harder on apartment looking.  So I have appointments for Friday to see places and I'm looking all the time and I have put the word out there more.  It is so super weird living at the house now - I mean - weirder than ever if that is possible.  I looked back on this blog for a year ago today and I suppose I am in a much better place.  I literally complained one year ago today about how I can't be creative there and how the cigarette smoke bothers me.  That was a different post - the cigarette smoke - I was woken up by it and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.  This was when they were still lying to me about that Princess Turd was even doing it.  Hilarious - in a not hilarious kind of way.  I'm so uncomfortable.  I ate 4 brownies last night when I got out of class.  Okay - 2 when I got out of class and 2 before I went to sleep.  It's so sad - I thought I was so trapped there at the house and I could have left at any point.  Well Her Lady Wonder says all the time that everything happens for a reason.  One day at a time - breathe.  How many more slogans can I come up with right now?  Well I can quote the movie Hope Floats....Beginnings are usually hard - endings are often sad and it's the middle that counts.  I'm making myself cry right now but I know it's fake because my nose tickles.  Whenever my nose tickles and I'm crying it's not authentic.  I also probably quoted that movie wrong.  NOW I WANT ICE CREAM.  Bye Blueberry - looove you.

Monday, June 11, 2012

The Bronx.

I went to the Bronx yesterday to work with my scene partner from class.  He had showed me a picture of the view of his room which was beaaauuuutiful - of the Palisades - gorgeous and told me he needed a roommate - his roommate is moving out.  I get there - it takes a long time - he brings me up to his apartment on the 14th Floor in a pretty building.  Guess what's not pretty?  The apartment.  Gorgeous view - totally crazy apartment starting with the fish farm (Tilapia) and Hydroponic plants, baby chicks and birds.  I'm not kidding.  So I'm not living in the Bronx.  I suppose on some level it's brilliant but on another level - the one where I want to live - no thank you.  Not in an apartment.  The baby chicks were just in a box - oh my lord - so unhealthy.  So that's that.  We got to rehearse for real at least.  It is a pretty view.  Then I did a show - that was fun and I went up first and I was - I would say mediocre.  Some of the jokes landed well and they were such a sweet audience.  I saw Larni there also and we went and got food.  I asked him why he wasn't having me on his show and he said because I'm too functional.  He needs dysfunctional people.  I guess he has never read my blog.  I said I didn't know if he was bullshitting me but I'm buying it.  He bought me dinner - it was so sweet.  I have to go get the dogs food, go to therapy and go to a meeting.  Call my sponsor who finally texted me yesterday.  I also need to go to the bank and cancel my YMCA membership.  I still need a place to live - bye Bluebie!!!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

New day.

Yesterday was tough - work was hard - all of it because I was freaking out.  A girl at work was completely nasty to me because I was stressed out but honestly it helped me to stop freaking out and just shut up.  I think I am going to have to go to extra therapy for a few weeks.  Also I think I should stay so busy so I don't have too much time to think about anything.  Yes - that sounds right.  The one good thing I did last night besides finally shutting up at work was not share a cab with this girl.  Normally I would to save money but why?  They always make fun of me for buying soda water afterwards and - jesus - people can be so nasty.  So anyway - I did my work and I left.  I got free newspapers for the dog - 2 bottles of soda water and I had a nice quiet ride home that cost me an extra 5 dollars.  The only people I have ever helped sharing a cab - is them.  I always end up paying more.  Well - okay - I have to get back to really trying to have a good attitude again.  Jesus - I am in serious victim mode - I really am.  I have to go the Bronx to rehearse - what is THAT?  Also it's the Puerto Rican Parade today - what????  :Lord - bye Bluebs - love you.  I suppose I'm regressing a bit - I can get back.  I just can't drink or do drugs - that's all - just for today. 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

I am so stressed out.

The night after Creepy told me that he needs me to move - I came home and they were having a big party.  It was totally like "Ding-dong the witch is dead - the wicked witch."  I walked to the train yesterday and I heard a little girl singing it.  It is a little hard to take but also - come on - I'm miserable here and Princess Boris hates me or - I have no idea.  I'm having so many feelings it's insane.  I went to an extra therapy session yesterday.  Her Lady Wonder was totally not nice to me and I haven't called her.  I think I need to get a new sponsor too.  Ugh - I feel sick.  It will be okay I guess - I don't even know when to look to move because I have to go to my nephew's Christening on the 1st.  I was supposed to be on vacation the week I would be moving by.  They bought a bed already to put in my room.  It's in the parlor room.  This was definitely not a flash decision.  Okay - I think I need to pray & meditate and take care of myself.  Get myself more together - figure out more of what I even need to move.  I have some money saved and I'm working.  I was grumpy with the lady from the store - only a little.  Okay - I have a show tomorrow night and I'm supposed to have rehearsal tomorrow here.  That might be a bad idea - rehearsal here?  Okay - I have to go.  Deep breathing - bye Bluebie - I love you.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I'm trying not to freak out but I am completely

freaking out.  I am selling more stuff than ever at this freaking store it's unbelievable!!  Jesus.  Okay - I have to freak out bye.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Creepy asked me to move out.

He wants his brain damaged mother to come live with him and then he wants the room to rent to bed and breakfast people.  Holy shit - talk about doing for me what I can't do for myself.  He wants me out in 30 days though.  I asked if it had anything to do with Princess Boris and he said he loves having me live there - he just needs more money.  WHY DO I CARE!?!?!??  I HATE living there.  I have no lock on my door, can't have men over - cigarette smoke, gay fights - no heat in the winter - hello?  Jesus.  Okay.  I have no idea what I am going to do.  He wants me out in 30 days.  My sister is supposed to come stay there on the 6th which is my birthday.  Fuck - okay - I don't have time to be dramatic about this really.  Blue Bluebie - I love you.