Can't keep up

I can't keep up. This job is kicking my ass. I'm out of shape and I'm so fucking tired. I'm a mess. I think I'm really - what? About to give up. I do not see how anything is going to come of me. I mean acting wise. I'm so confused. Now all I am doing is working and going to class. And now the class is different - this one. Ugh. So depressing. Well - it's 5:00 in the morning. And I'm up to waitress. I feel sick that this is my life. And all the time I'm having drinking dreams. Ugh. Whatever. Oh well - I've tried. Now I've tried everything. I guess it's not meant to be for me - thats all. And maybe it never was. Maybe that's really just it. I just don't ever want to drink again. Today. I don't have to today right? That's right - just not today.

Love my rage?

I think I want to do that. Love my rage. Why the mother fucking fuck why  not? I have so much of it - why not love it? It's not going anywhere and I am so done being upset about myself over it. I have it and I am going to leaaaaaan into that shit!! Seriously. Is it the last frontier? Maybe? How boring would that be? Maybe not - who knows. I'm flipping and reversing this shit now. Man I'm starving. I'm back to work after being sick for 6 days! Holy fuck - I was so sick and out of it.i stayed home for more days than I have stayed home in years. Yeaaaars.. it was great. Sunny apartment, cozy blankets, laundry - food! Coffee, teas and baths - it was awesome. Anyway love you bye.

Day 2413 - Can't Talk.

LARYNGITIS.  No talking for me.  Ugh Im so sad - why is this right now?  Why is my throat broken right now?   Why am I so sad?  I don't know - its not even a big deal.  I called out of work - no problem and I needed to sleep and rest.  I had another epically long day yesterday and I did 2 shows last night - hosted the late one and had no voice during the whole thing.  I can only whisper today - its a mess.  Oh Im just upset and emotional and I got my period today and you know what?  That's it - Im tired, Im emotional - Im sick and that's it.  Who cares and why do I have to beat myself up about it?  Im going to have to cancel tomorrow also probably and you know what?  Its FINE.  IT HAPPENS.  Oh my God - you know I missed something this weekend - I chose to stay here with my guy in my town (my new town instead of going into the city) and we went to meetings and I took care of myself.  Well so the thing I missed turned out to be AWESOME and of course I got mad (in my head) and blamed the guy.  But why?  WHY?  I chose to do that.  Can you imagine how sick I would be today if I had done that too?  But that's not even the point the point is I realized while I was blaming this beautiful man for my life - I realized - where am I ever going to get if I keep blaming everyone?  UGH - this is so EXHAUSTING - I feel like Im beating myself up but Im just trying to get my fucking power back and to be grateful for my guy and my life with him instead of BLAMING him for everything annoying that happens.  Omg - Im a mess.  Ugh - bye.

Home today! Had sex! It's sunny! Life is okay!

This week has been insane but I made it through.  Good lord.  One of the other waitresses freaked out on me and I will tell you what - it was the day after I had that insanely busy day (I got 5 hours of sleep) and it really made me want to pick up - it was at the end of a VERY long day where I was a MESS.  But somehow this is what I did.  I went to a meeting, went to therapy, and then asked the guy to leave me alone (nicely - I asked nicely) when I came home so I could calm down and then the next day everything shifted.  I also went to therapy again.  So I did not pick up thank BLOG and I am now here in my apartment and it's sunny and I got to have sex and sleep a full night's sleep and run some errands.  I can hear the birds chirping and we have a hot date planned for tonight.  Haha we are going to an alanon meeting and to dinner.  But it's awesome and he was so sweet about me needing time alone.  Who knew - who fucking KNEW you (by you I mean me) could aks someone for some space and they would happily give it.  Because it's what's best for me and therefore us.  Also with the other waitress - I just have left it alone.  Space.  Juuuuust space - and that also is something I never knew to do - walk away.  So bizarre.  Anyway - I gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.