So uncomfortable.

I'm on the train going to the city for therapy. The train is crowded and I tried to sit with one woman who - ha moved her bag off the seat sooo annoyed and then sighed have me a dirty look and shifted her knees over juuuust a little bit. I started awkwardly trying to move into the seat with my coffee and my backpack and umbrella and thinking how awful of a ride this is going to be. But I was also thinking fuck her I'm going to sit here and make her miserable but then I just switched somehow and said "you know what never mind I'm going to let you sit here by yourself" and I got out. Now I'm sitting next to an older man who is equally as grumpy but I'm trying to not take it in. He was polite enough about me sitting here. I'm tired. I have gone into the city for 4 days now and yesterday I pounded around all day. But it was worth it to stay after lunch with my family to write with some peeps at 7:00. Ah. But I'm tired. But I'm grateful. I went shopping and had a piece of cake at a cafe. I mean my poor guy is living on this tiny budget and I'm complaining about shopping and eating cake. I feel like such a turd. But also I'm tired! I think I thought going in and out of the city would be easier not waitressing but it's still hard. Okay. I had the weirdest dream about my father last night. He realized he was sick and got sad. Ugh it killed me. I'm so worried about money. I haven't gotten paid for that one job and I thought I got a job for next week but I don't think I did. I'm trying so hard to hold out for the better paying jobs but it's terrifying. I'm about to get desperate. No - I'm there - I feel desperate. Well I'm just going to hold out for a little bit longer. Holy fuck. I've never been able to do this. Hold out for the better thing. Well maybe that's not true. Turn it over. I just need to turn it over. Holy fucking uncomfortableness. K bye.

Wednesday.

Yesterday was 3 months since my father died.  Barf.  I went into the city yesterday and ran around doing shows and our podcast.  Tonight I have 2 shows and I'm terrified.  I cant believe how hard it is and how badly I want to do it.  It seems slightly sick but that's in my head.  But it fills me up.  I love it.  It's my passion.  What can I say???  Being a low-level comedian and an actress that never gets work FILLS ME UP.  Okay I don't want to write too much because I have to work on my jokes and my 5 minutes for tonight before I go.  Man I wrote that and IMMEDIATELY wanted to take a nap.  Like seriously.  Jesus.  Okay so - well I still cant believe it about my father.  It's so sad.  Such an empty place without him.  I was so lucky to have a father in my life.  So crazy.  Seeing him soften as he got older.  Ah.  Heartbreaking to lose him so suddenly - so swiftly.  Just like that.  He turned out the light and that was that.  WOW.  Okay time to work on my comedy!  Good lord.  Love you Bluebie bye.  ps Am I just writing abou that so I will get sad and let myself take a nap??  Wtf.

Monday.

It's Monday.  I have managed to get out of my pajamas, take a shower, do a little yoga, pray & meditate and talk to a sponsee.  I wrote in my journal.  I did manage to write last night and now I am in my office and all ready to write again.  This is such a great set-up for me, to be able to write in my quiet office at home.  Me head is so fucking loud that I need it so quiet so I can think straight.  So - so now I can write and work.  Oh boy.  I mean - oh I also spoke to my alanon sponsor.  I'm just so fucking triggered.  I'm so fearful and scared.  Well it's okay - I guess working on this writing and the pressure of this competition and really feeling like it's shit or get off the pot - I guess a lot of stuff is coming up.  Listen I can change my mind too.  I can decide I just want to sell dresses and flip-flops.  I just need to do it from a place of power that's all.  That's all!  I can do whatever I want and put my love and effort wherever I want I just need to do it from a place of power.  I know I said that already but I'm saying it again.  Okay let's get to work.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Re-entry problems.

We went on vacation for 9 days and it was glorious.  We both needed it so badly.  We went on a discount vacation to Delaware and their season had just ended so everything had closed except some mini-golf courses and of course the beaches were open.  It was us and 35 old people.  But it was so great!  We stayed in this adorable little house at the end of a cul-de-sac and it was soooooo nice.  For us.  It was quiet and everything was clean and new.  We slept for 9-10 hours every night and just chilled the fuck out.  Now we are back and having re-entry problems because it's back to real life.  He's stressed about this business and I am stressed about my pretend business of being an actress and a comedian.  Ha.  I think ha?  Oh my God I feel sick.  I'm in a competition next Monday and I feel like I'm more prepared to fight a bull.  Or take down a wild animal with a bow and arrow.  Okay that's extreme.  I feel like I am more prepared to do a lot of other things besides that.  I mean talk about first world problems - it's gross.  I don't know what's happening right now.  I just had to look through a bunch of pictures of my father trying to find something and of course I got upset.  I'm just upset.  Our talk about money upset me.  My lack of faith in myself and my exhaustion is upsetting me.  I just basically ran errands today and now I'm ready to hunker down and watch some TV and then go to bed.  It's 5:38 pm.  I keep having this thought go through my head that I have been chasing this juvenile dream for 18-20 years of being an actress - then of being a comedian.  My guy said he was reading something about Stephen King (whom I LOVE) and he said he was born to write.  I don't feel born to do anything except maybe go shopping, do light errands and sleep.  I'm a mole.  I mean - okay so am I beating myself up?  Is it just re-entry problems?  Is it fear?  Is it alcoholism?  Is it the truth and I'm finally just seeing it?  Maybe it's just suddenly the truth.  I don't know.  Man - I really don't.  It's always that question - right?  But this is the question - if I could do anything and money isn't an issue - what would I do?  It fills me up - acting.  Comedy is some bizarre obsession that I'm still interested in.  I love to write and I just don't let myself do it enough.  I am afraid.  Fear stops me.  I am gung ho until it gets hard and then I blame life and being old and stop.  Or fade.  Stop and fade.  I also truly convince myself that the errands are more important.  GOOD FUCKING LORD.  SHIT ON A SHINGLE.  JESUS HOLY CHRIST.  This is the thing and I am MORE than positive I have probably written this before BUT when I started doing this - acting/comedy/moving to NYC - I promised myself I wouldn't stop until I tried everything.  This is already annoying me.  The one thing I have never truly tried is staying in it and letting God decide.  Turning it over.  I never turn it over.  Do what I love, let myself love it and turn it over.  I feel like I have reverse PMS.  PMS on the way OUT of my period.  GREAT.  Well anyway.  That's what's going on with me.  A lot of inner turmoil after a lovely discounted vacation.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Stress Sandwich.

I did 2 shows last night and I bombed at BOTH.  Fun.  I'm so stressed out and spent way too much time yesterday trying to off-set one of my crazy sister's craziness.  It flips me out.  She is making a difficult time more difficult and I'm helping her by getting very upset.  It's amazing.  She is making it all about her.  It's so not helpful and its so not kind.  It fills me with rage.  Oh man.  I'm overstimulated and I feel a little hung-over emotionally and sick.  Is it hot?  Maybe I'm hot.  She just flips me out.  I work so hard on myself and try to be responsible for who I am and how I affect people and she just does whatever the fuck she wants.  Which the only thing I can think is that I need to do more work on myself if it's bothering me so much.  Let go and Let God.  I have no control over her and I was a DISASTER.  I used to cause such havoc.  Although I was never rude to my parents or sent my siblings text messages to go fuck themselves when I was drunk.  It's her being disingenuous.  I cant fucking stand it.  Just be a bitch and be up front about it.  I hate wading through the bullshit - it fucking drives me crazy.  OMG - I am a mess.  I think I should lay down.  I'm going to lay down.  I already prayed and meditated and then got ALL crazy again.  Let's try this one more time.  Love you BLuebie bye.

MONDAY!

It's Monday and I was so exhausted after last week that I couldn't do anything yesterday.  I did some mild things - went for a jog, ran some errands - watched Friends!  It made me feel so much better - just to get out of my head.  I went to a small women's meeting and got to share twice.  Then we went and got ice cream which was fun.  Now I'm up today and taking care of myself.  I went for a walk, prayed & meditated, talked to my alanon sponsor and I did the dishes.  Now what?  I have so much to do.  I still can't believe how busy I have been.  It's great!  I have the time now to be busy doing my craft AND take care of myself - which is glorious.  Okay - SO - what else?  I have realized that - oh man - I don't even want to write it about it really because I feel like it's focusing on it.  BUT - I have realized that I spend a lot and I mean A LOT of time looking at other people and not in a nice way.  I look at other people and their success and I wonder how they did it and then I try and figure out how they suck though - also.  Does that make sense?  And all it does is keep me from focusing on myself and I can't take it anymore.  It's boring and it feels bad.  Also - also it keeps me from being present.  I'm just not present and I'm not in and of myself and it's so not kind (to me) and it's impossible (I think) to grow from that place.  It's also SO TIME CONSUMING.  Ew and it's boring.  I'm over it.  But now - now I feel sad.  I mean I feel sadness anyway - I'm still grieving my father but it's even deeper than that.  It's the sadness of being present and in myself and responsible for my feelings.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's the pain of being present.  Of not attaching a story to my feelings or my present moment.  I'm reading this book The Untethered Soul and I think - I THINK what he is talking about is the pain we all have in our hearts that's been there for a long LONG time and how we all do all this OTHER SHIT to avoid that original pain.  WILD right?  So it's underneath all the bullshit like staring at other people and their lives.  Or I don't know maybe I'm misunderstanding what he's saying but that's what I'm getting out of it.  Oye yoi yoi.  Life.  Just keep peeling that onion and digging through that soul.  Ha!  What?  No seriously - what else is there?  Cake.  I'm starving.  Love you Bluebie bye.

So excited!

I'm working on a commercial tomorrow!  I'm playing a nurse.  I'm so excited!!  I have to leave here at 5:00 a.m.  I'm not so excited about that but - well I can rest over the weekend I guess.  Okay - I don't even know what to say - except I'm tired and I'm nervous my hair is going to look terrible.  I have been lying to myself all day saying that even though my hair looks terrible now - it somehow won't look terrible tomorrow.  OH BOY.  I'm beginning to not believe myself.  That's okay - it's all part of this.  The negative thoughts.  I also went to target and tried on some t-shirts without pants on and so I saw the back of me which was unfortunate.  I mean parts of me look good!  Other parts - holy fuck.  Anyway I'm working on it.  I'm guessing they won't be filming me with only a t-shirt on and no pants.  I need water.  I guess I need to wake up at 3:00.  How in the serious fuck am I even going to get to sleep let alone get up at 3:00?  I guess I'm just going to do it - that's how.  I have to pack to go home too.  Okaaay.  Whoa.  Alright.  Well the excitement will help with waking me up.  Gotta go Bluebie - love you bye.

Amazed.

Well I drove 3 hours each way to go to 2 auditions in the city today.  I was able to write while I drove.  Oh which reminds me......I had to write some stuff down.  I'm amazed at how busy I am now with doing this full-time.  How did I ever get anything done?  I didn't.  I guess that's why it was never really working.  Okay my sisters cats are attacking each other but I'm just going to let them work that out.  I mean come on - these animals!  I love them more than anything but I'm not a zoo keeper.  I wonder what they are fighting over anyway?  Maybe the bed I'm on?  One has been on it for days and then I just looked over and the cat that's usually in the closet was on the bed. Haha - it's huge bed they could both be on it.  IM SO TIRED.  I have to go to sleep.  I got a job for Friday and I'm so excited!  So crazy!  Love you Bluebie byeee.

Complete, total and utter lack of Focus

Okay so there is a hurricane brewing, my mother doesn't feel well and I'm awake. Just listening to the wind whip through the trees. I can hear crickets too. It's so quiet. I can hear the highway in the background too. The electricity went out but then the generator kicked right in. That was weird. Super weird. Ugh so I have this time now to write and I just looked at Facebook for 30 minutes.  Maybe it was 10 - maybe it was 45 - I don't know because I have absolutely no focus! I'm feeling that same way I always feel when I'm nervous, under pressure, it's personal and I care ALOT. And that feeling is exhausted. Heavy. Lethargic. Want to lay down but can't sleep. Hungry - but full. Oye yoi yoi! So much drama.  What in the world is that about? It's like my nerves short me out.  I also feel like I'm going to fail so why even bother. That's the spirit! Ha omg - wow - born to fail - waaaay to goooo.  Alright well what's the truth? I can only do what I can do right now.  It's not that serious (even though it feels VERY VERY SERIOUS). Oh! I know. It's a challenge. I love a challenge!  I like that - it's s challenge. This house is scary as fuck - I mean Stephen King should come here and write his next book. That's what happens when you live in the city so long! A farm is SCARY. Ha. Oooookay love you Bluebie bye.

Dogs barking why?

I'm at the farm. It's 11:00 at night and one of the 3 dogs is barking but why?  Okay I got them to stop. I turned out the lights. I think they were barking at the cats. Anyway that's not why I wanted to write. I have a show this week. I feel like I can't do it. I still haven't found the time to write. But now I'm here. I just need to do it. Find the time. Make the time. I can do it. I just need to bring my a game.  Work at my fullest potential. Oh the cat got on the bed! Yay.  Okay what else?  Give myself a chance. Do the work! Gotta sleep byeee.

Lead with Love? Nothing else has worked.

I woke up gruuuumpy today - holy cow.  Bad attitude and 3 different body parts hurt so I feel old.  Then I prayed & meditated - which took forever because I was so grumpy.  When I finally meditated I felt grateful and I realized love is the answer.  UGH HOW ANNOYING IS THAT??  Sigh.  Okay so I am trying to lead with love.  That's it.  I mean what else is there?  I have tried everything else and nothing has worked.  So why don't I lead with love and then at least I'm not in a constant state of misery.  Oh it's scary though - because if I'm truly doing things from a loving, heartfelt place - holy shit.  That's terrifying.  There's no safety net there.  I think my instincts tell me to do things from a manipulative, ego driven, heady place.  That's safer and that makes more sense.  But it doesn't make more sense.  It makes my hear though and I just can't go there anymore.  I need to grow.  So why not try it?  I will give it 90 days like with early sobriety.  WHOA - I just got sleepy.  I spent an hour today trying to unhook my twitter and facebook accounts.  How old does that make me in dog years?  1000?  Gotta go do SOME STUFF WITH LOVE.  Lead with love.  How long before I crack?  20 minutes?  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.