I am crashing...

What the fuck? All this work and I am so upset right now. Cretona woke me up playing the flute outside my window. I guess he thought if he was playing it outside it's not loud? Ugh and he isn't that good so he stops and starts. I looked out at him at one point and he sort of did this neck stretching move - the ones that boxers do when they are on the sides of the ring. Are you fucking kidding me? Is it that hard of a work out - your fucking flute? I am 4 floors up but so what? For how many centuries have duded been playing instruments under windows - IT'S LOUD. I opened the window and turned on the fan and it's less loud. I'm so fucking grumpy. I am just miserable. Is it my anniversary or do I just get grumpy when woken up by mediocre music playing?? I think he was playing the theme song to The Pink Panther. I have this movie thing to go to tonight for Larni's movies. Tomorrow I have a double. Oh dear - I should just pray and meditate right now. I don't want to go to a meeting. I do not want to go all the way to mid-town. Okay I am just going to pray and meditate and see what happens. The way I am feeling will change one way or the other. Bye Bluebie.

Fucking fuck fuck.

There's a title I've never used. I am so tired. I had 2 very full days and I am tired. I don't know what to write - I need to sleep. What do I have to say. I helped an old lady yesterday that needed help and waited with her till the ambulance came. I tried to help a dog that looked like it got run over but apparently he has "a heart condition" and his owner told me to leave him alone. He was meandering without a leash and was BLEEDING from his eyeball but I guess he was fine. I almost started crying. I swam today and can I just tell you I have gone swimming a total of 7 times maybe in the last 10 months and I don't understand why I don't have the body of an athlete. An Olympic swimmer. I have the craziest back fat ever. It's sooooo fucking HARD TO LOOK AT. Ugh - soooo not hot. Despite what Wolfgang says at work I don't think there is a porn site dedicated to back fat. I am so tired. I will write more in the morning. I can say this....I felt crazy after I left my meeting tonight and I walked and walked and I finally felt so much better. I got a coffee and walked by Lincoln Center which I love and it was fantastic. Exercise helps me so much - and one of these days I will get my body back. A guy smiled at me tonight and it was so sweet. A genuine laughing smile - so totally cute. I want that kind of relationship. Um - what kind - the kind where the guy just looks at me and laughs? I don't know - a warm, loving, I don't feel threatened and you obviously see how entertaining I am even when I'm not trying to be, amazing, beautiful, fun relationship. What the FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT??? Guess what? My vibrator really is quiet in the shower!!! That's the kind of relationship I need to have right now. The waterproof/quiet kind of relationship. I AM NUTS. Holy cow - please let me not self destruct before Saturday. How is this so scary? Bye Blueberry - I love you!!

Emo-Do

It's a type of emotional karate. I think. It's a way of protecting yourself from emotional vampires but you have to do it in the nice karate way and there are 3 basic starter principals. Let me just first say that I finally went through - or started to go through these magazines I had piled up in order to work on a new vision board. Well I guess I didn't read all these magazines even to begin with because I learned SO much. First of all how important forgiveness is. Holy cow. Like - how much unforgiveness towards me and others I was holding onto. They don't really talk about forgiveness that much in the program I don't think. Maybe they do. So anyway back to emo-do. The starter principals are that 1. You vow never to deliberately create suffering for yourself or others. (WHAT???? That is one of my main activities in LIFE!!! Totally mind blowing.) 2. Always own your mistakes and do your best to correct them. 3. Forgive yourself when your best isn't good enough. So last night I worked on forgiveness and letting go and of not even mentally creating suffering towards myself and others. I have been an emotional vampire myself - with out really realizing it. I suppose that is part of the victim mentality. So today I am focusing on self forgiveness and being present. I also had this mind blowing thought as I was going to sleep that I am now going to forget. Something about totally moving past the past. I can't learn anything else from it and it is really time for me to MOVE on. It does say in the program that everything happens for a reason - so there you go - it was ALL meant to happen. Now I can forgive and move on. Let it all go. Jeez. I suppose what I am trying to say also is that I really want to open my heart. Open my heart and love again. I mean love me - love what I love. Love bigger than the past. Let my love grow past the past. In a GOOD way. Lord do I sound nuts? Who cares. I hope I don't go walk the dog and get in a fight with someone. Well if I do I will forgive myself and them. OR I will just perhaps avoid that conflict. You know what else I learned? Our brains never stop growing. You know what else? Our brains take up 20% of the food we eat. 20%!!!! Amazing!!! Both of those things blew my mind. Hurricane lessons. Okay - I love you Blueberry - blueberries which are good for the mind/brain!!!! Byeeeeee.

Well the hurricane was downgraded to a tropical storm.

I would be so mad if I was that storm - downgraded. Well I cleaned a bunch yesterday and I watched a ton of movies and shows. I also spent tons of time with the dog and she loved it. I fell off my prayer/meditation schedule so today I have to make sure to do that. I have the windows open and the breeze feels good. I have some things to throw out and I still have to vacuum and clean this table that my computer is on. So since the subways are still not running I have to stay here and I will be working on my vision board today. My next one. This one has been so amazing - and it is time for a new one. An additional one. Okay - time for me to pray and meditate. I also need a shower - holy cow - badly. I have to say - this is a little boring. But well - okay. I got a terrific night's sleep. Amazing!! Okay - bye Bluebie.

It's a hurricane!!

Hurricane Irene - hahahaaa - that's my sister-in-laws name. I love her though. Tall Not So Dark And Creepy woke me up by playing a CD of him playing his Guzheng. I got furious, slammed the door twice, slammed the toilet bowl lid, cursed him out, and then grabbed the dog to walk her and yell at him. Well I go down there and I turned it down - grabbed a piece of mail of mine and heard him laughing with someone and came back up here. How utterly pathetic is this? This is my life? Being woken up by a man who is so narcissistic that he wakes people up (ME) all the time playing music of himself playing a single instrument by himself. I'm telling you he plays videos of himself jerking off while he jerks off - I know it. He PROBABLY plays music of himself playing music while a video plays him jerking off and he jerks off to all of that. I'm pretty sure he turned it back up. I'm so fucked because of this hurricane. I have no money and she cancelled the boutique today PLUS work tonight is cancelled AND last night was so slow that I made 50 dollars. I have 50 dollars until I work again on Thursday. Jesus Christ. I have plenty of food for the dog. I do not have plenty of food for me. I should go to duane reade. I can't believe he woke me up. I really needed to sleep. Okay - it's quiet right now. Okay - I swear I hear that fucking instrument even when he isn't playing it. Jesus - this is so stressful. It's happening to everyone but I am taking it so personally. I feel narcissistic. I'm a MESS. I am a furious, angry mess. I should take a shower before I can't take one. This is scary - it is showing me how on the edge I am still living. I have no food. A little bit of food. I have a bad attitude. I will write more later - bye Bluebie. I love you. P.S. It's starting to rain - a lot.

Friday at the boutique.

Okay - so I found out the name of an acting teacher from a guy at the club that I like a lot. I have to do something. I also have got to move out of that house. I got home and the fan was gone from my room last night. Granted it was the landlord's fan but I only took that one because he had mine. To be honest I put my fan downstairs because it was all rickety and was driving me nuts - so I Feng Shuied it from my room by putting it in the kitchen. Well they started to use it for the bed and breakfast rooms and I also started getting really annoyed at not having a fan. So I took the nice fan out of the room across from me when no one was staying in there. Then they put MY fan in there and snapped off one of the legs so it wouldn't be rickety anymore. Which is really smart but I still wanted the nice fan. Well so he asks where his fan is last week - I don't know - so last night or yesterday - he unlocked my door - took the fan and locked the door again. So I got really mad - took my fan and went down and told him he took MY fan and that's why I was using HIS fan because I didn't know where MY fan was. Meanwhile - that wasn't entirely true and what I was really pissed about was him going in my room. It's really partly that I have my Big Book out and my plaque my sister gave me with the Serenity Prayer on it out. He doesn't believe in the program because he is an active addict and he says there is no 13th step - you are never finished - never on your own. Well - of course that is the point abut he isn't into it and is fact AGAINST it. Or at least he was. He isn't a horrible man - he is just narcissistic, has no boundaries and is completely high all the time. It's also the fact that it was just so sneaky and he is so - look - I don't know. I have got to get out of that house. I want to think bigger - be bigger than my feelings but I'm not right now. It infuriates me that he has no boundaries and that I know I can leave out creative projects because he is in my room whenever he wants and he would - I don't know - look at them and ruin them with his horrible energy. I need to move - I want to move. I want to have kitchen with spices and teas that I can make for myself. I miss cooking so much it hurts. It literally hurts. You know what's really crazy? I can see him in my room right now. He is literally in my room right now. Doing what I have no idea. Probably taking the fan and then putting it back. This fan IS my fan. Okay - I have to calm down and make a new vision board and really start saving money and figure out where I want to go. I think I finally figured out what all the X's I see all the time mean. When Grace crosses Willingness = X(sobriety). I don't know how to explain it. Look I know part of what makes me so mad about Tall Not So Dark and Creepy is historical and my issues. Maybe if I was in a great mood last night it wouldn't have bothered me so much nor would I have felt the need to twist it into something it wasn't. But the reality is that I am not happy nor comfortable there and I want to move out. I want a kitchen and a bathtub and I deserve those things. I also want a lock on my door and to be able to be FREELY creative. I can't trust him and that's not okay - at all. I have no idea ever what he is doing. Look - I have no idea what anyone is doing. And part of this is just how I feel but it is time for me to move on. FUCK. I have to go Blueberry - thank you for listening to me rant. I'M WILLING FOR MY LIFE TO CHANGE!!!

do you know that I brought the garbage from my vibrator

HERE to throw it out because I don't trust my landlord not to go through my garbage?? HOW INSANE IS THAT??? Not to mention he is probably in my room right now looking in my drawers ANYWAY. Cretona told me he is leaving in a month. Then I won't have anyone who will tell me I'm not crazy. I know I'm not crazy and I know in my heart I will get myself out of that place. I have to be honest right now it is okay. ONLY OKAY. But I won't be able to really write or really be creative until I leave there. No doubt about it. What am I going to do anyway - live in a gay bed and breakfast for the rest of my life?? Give me a fucking break. I need to do something and FAST. I need to write a book. The first line is going to be..."So I've decided to kill them." Yes it's going to be about a girl who wears little devil horns on her head all the time - those little ones you can just glue to your head. Haha - I'm kidding about the devil horns. NO I'M NOT!! FUCK - I have to go - byeeeee.

Holy cow - I got my period and I had no idea!!

I mean I wasn't a complete PSYCHO - holy cow!!! How awesome is that? I will never have any male readers on this blog. It's all about my feelings and my period. Seriously? What the fuuuuuck. Anyway - you know what else? I bought a silent (only it isn't really) vibrator and I got it delivered to the house because it's very secure mailing in very "discreet" packaging (which it isn't). I have been waiting on a package from my sister and I keep asking the guys if it's there and yesterday the landlord sent me a text and said the package was delivered. Well when I got home I saw the - well what can only be described as an envelope with a vibrator inside on the bench and Cretona says "Oh - your package got here but I don't think that was the one you were looking for..." Oh my GOD!!! Seriously - discreet??? NOT AT ALL!!! And it's NOT quiet. Okay - it's not that loud and maybe the vibrators in the 70's sounded like a car engine but this one still sounds like a vibrator - even if it it is KIND of quiet. I am looking at school's but I can't seem to find what I am looking for. OS confusing. Bye.

Good Blogging!!

Haaa - oh boy!! It's a girl!! Me - I'm a girl. SO stupid. I just prayed and meditated and had a cashew bar, fed the dog and now I need to walk her. I need to go to work and then a meeting, then work again and start all over. I am finding myself to be bored again. I got home last night and I was bored. I thought the pool closed early or I could have gone swimming!! It doesn't close until 10 mother fucking 30!! I thought it closed at nine. I'm a dick. Oooo - I am being hard on myself - let's lighten up on that today. I went to get the coffee I make from Duane Reade last night and they raised the price by 3 dollars!!! What?? I put it back and got - of all things to be cheaper - Starbucks!! So nuts. The dog is ready to go out....whoop and she just proved it by peeing on the newspaper. Holy cow this coffee is strong. I am going to look today while I'm at the store for schools again. I would love to go back to sleep. I'm confused about my boredom. I suppose that is sign. Dear Lord please help to guide me to a happy, healthy, helpful and productive place. Amen!!! I love you Bluebie!!! Talk to you later...

It's August 24th so I have 10

more days till I have 2 years. Holy shit. It suddenly sounds like no time at all. So much has changed. But yet some main core things are still there. The doctor gave me some stuff yesterday to help clean out heavy metals. That seems scary to me. Boris is gone and it still smells like cigarette smoke at night in here. I have this audition today and God help me now I don't want to go. I think I thought it would get me somewhere - inspire me and well - now it's not happening. I need to look at schools. I can't believe I have to go back to this job again tomorrow - these JOBS. I heard a guy share last night and say how he took this job that he was too good for and now his art is better than ever - in a place it never was before he was working. I need transformation - another shift. It will happen and today I just need to go and do this - get myself to a meeting, get home, swim, meditate and go to bed. I can start a new book now that I finished The Help. I like it - it was good. I need to wash my hair - holy cow. I am afraid to meditate all of a sudden. It makes me so uncomfortable and it is so hard. The doctor said I should really bump up my practice and I will see amazing results. It's scaring me so I should do it right? There was an earthquake yesterday. Mother nature always wins. You know what else I thought about yesterday? I had Scarlet Fever twice when I was growing up. Once when I was little and once in high school. I also had chicken pox twice. Once when I was little and again when I was a tween and my little sister got them. The second chicken pox wasn't nearly as bad and the second Scarlet Fever was still horrendous. So maybe I could have a career twice. An artistic career. Just different? I need inspiration. I also need an earthquake. An earthquake is the world adjusting itself and it's GOOD. I need that. The meditation will help and that's why it's scary. Conveniently enough because I wrote this I didn't give myself enough time to meditate but I can do it on the train. He said he does it on the train. It's a beautiful day. One day at a time. Bye Blueberrie - I loooove you!!!

Still not okay - still have tons of anxiety.

I have to quit drinking coffee - that's what really does it. The cigarette smoke has been super strong in here lately and that can not be helping. It really can't. Someone is next door I think - who knows - I have no idea. I went shopping yesterday and went to a show and I got a decent night sleep. Although the landlord started to bang around at 6:30 so I just put in earplugs - there you go. My biggest struggle right now is with being okay with being angry. Okay - I have 3 to 4 big struggles. Last night I told my friend I can't work 2 hours all the time for her and she said she totally understood and asked if I would just want to switch days - so that might work but I haven't replied yet. Last night I got annoyed at something the landlord said and I got mad then got upset with myself. But then I thought "It IS upsetting!!! HE is an upsetting person - OF COURSE I'm annoyed and mad - it's NORMAL and I am a passionate person so when I get upset I get REALLY upset." And that did help me to back off of myself. I sent my sister - oh see he is up here right now vacuuming. What if I was sleeping? See - I'm filled with rage but guess what? It is fucking annoying but also - he can vacuum if he wants to but more than it's his energy - he is so false and it's about something else. Which is exactly how I can be. That being said - he's completely annoying and aggressive and it fucking bothers me that he wakes me up and then will be napping later when I'm gone. Okay - I have PMS. I have a doctor's appointment - I will write more later when he isn't listening.

I am not okay today.

I am freaking out. I woke up awhile ago already - it's 7:09 a.m. right now. I'm having a lot of anxiety. I drank too much coffee yesterday and I got over stimulated and felt like I was tripping my balls off. I also smelled smoke again last night - part of me thinks it's the people across the hall and it comes in through the vent. Even if it is only a little bit of smoke - I reaallly smell it and am effected by it. I just am a wreck. I'm having obsessive thoughts and being really hard on myself. I'm not going to go into detail - why bother? What is happening is I'm an anxious, over stimulated and being really hard on myself. I also have an anniversary coming up and so I'm extra worked up. This meditation I'm working on is making me realize all my fear and anxiety and I'm very uncomfortable. I bought some clothes yesterday and groceries. I went swimming and it was fantastic. It is really time for me to move on in my life - maybe go back to school and I'm stuck in the past again. Maybe I need to - what? Oh I know - I just want to move on from a place of power. Yes - jeez. Ugh - I am so lucky that I am - what? I am still upset from Saturday night. I feel so lonely and I also feel left out. Oh dear. This will pass and I keep telling myself that but it doesn't seem to be helping. I have to tell her that this 2 hour working for her isn't going to work for me. I'm not going to so why am I even saying it? I don't fell talented or lovable in any way - again. I really don't feel talented and it makes me mad. And when I get mad I feel like I am a completely horrible person. Okay - I am going to pray and meditate and do yoga and see if it helps. I need to get a good night's sleep tonight and I will feel better. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so that will be good. Lordy. Bye Bluebie.

Does it smell like cigarettes in here?

My hair smells like smoke - I woke up with a headache and it smelled like smoke? I can't STAND IT. Okay - you know what I can't stand more? Getting mad. I was so annoyed at work last night - I hate working with that creepy guy and I just - okay - here's the good thing I did - I left and I came home and walked the dog. I really did. I read my book, wrote a gratitude list and went to sleep. I could have slept more but the dog woke me up. You know what the bus boy said to me at work last night? I asked him if he wanted pizza and he said yes - I said take as much as you want because I had one slice and I didn't want anymore - and he asked why? I said because I don't want anyone to ask me when I am due this week. And he said - just work out - don't you work out or are you lazy? WELL THERE YOU GO. I said I walk everywhere, do yoga once a month and go swimming once every 3 months. ISN' THAT WORKING OUT???? Remember my dead Grandma? She always called me lazy. All the time - everyone did - everyone always called me lazy. My teachers, my family - everyone. The bus driver - everyone. Okay - not the bus driver. On a slightly separate but not separate note - my ex-friend Brunhilda would always tell me to shine people on after shit went down and my therapist (I think) is always telling me to use my rage to propel me to do GOOD things for myself. She also said on Monday that it was good that I have rage - it's normal and that if I didn't it would be strange. She probably used the word anger. I am using rage. So now it is clear that I have rage and although I don't trust it - it is clear in my intellect that I am supposed to have it and I can use it for good. I can possible use it to help get me out of this stuck, upset, lazy, rageful place. What is laziness? Why does that happen? Am I lazy? I don't feel lazy but then again - well - huh. I am sort of amazed right now. Amazed? Curious? Okay - I have errands to run, I am going to the pool to swim and I need a meeting badly. I also told that girl - ugh my friend that I would open the store for her tomorrow. Barf - okay - well - it's okay - I can do that. I got a manicure/pedicure last night inbetween the 2 jobs because they didn't need me for the first show and they kicked me out because they had no more customers and they were closing early. I was like - oh are my nails dry and she said "Nooo - you be careful!!" Then she picked up my purse and walked it to the front of the salon and opened the door. Unbelievable. She actually did a good job though - except for the toe nail she made bleed. Haaaa - ohhhh - big sigh. My nails made it all through work so that's good. Okay - time to walk the dog. I LOVE YOU BLUEBERRY!!!!!

Saturday Boutique Wonder.

Wonder isn't quite the right word but it's nice here today. I am exhausted and I'm - okay - tolerate the feelings - tolerate the feelings. I need a gallon of coffee - or at least another one. Holy cow - as I left the house the landlord said he went upstairs and sat with the dog during the storm. How sweet and annoying. Poor thing was scared from the storm and then he's up there comforting her - yikes. Well it was sweet of him anyway to think of her. I thought someone had been in my room and I told him that. I said it looked like things had been moved around and he said he didn't touch anything. Okay - anyway - what can I do? Tolerate the feelings - tolerate the feelings. Yikes. I just have 4 more hours here and then 8 hours at the next job. Hahahahahahaaaa. I don't know if you can tell but I wasn't really laughing. Just being psycho. I have to go - ohhhh - I'm tired and crazy. Please help me through the rest of this day!! Bye Bluebie!!!

Okay - I am so grateful to be alive this morning.

There was a crazy accident outside of work last night - completely fucking insane. A man got crushed between a van and his truck. It was horrifying. We were about to set up for work and then we heard a crazy skid, a crazy loud crash - tons of glass breaking and then people started screaming. Right outside of the club. I really thought the car was coming in through the club because that's how loud and crazy it was. I think the guy is actually going to be okay - there was no blood at the site hours later and he had his back open on his truck or he would have been smashed into the window. It could have been any of us coming into work and walking between cars. A gypsy cab was flying and clipped a car and it sent it flying into the parked cars and it cause one car to go into another until the guy was pinned in between the van and his truck 3 cars down the line. FUCK it scared the shit out of ALL of us. Yesterday when I woke up I was tired and I didn't want to come here and I was having a bad attitude and fighting it and then the thought occurred to me "I'm mad that I have a job to go to - really?" And that thought helped turn me around. Today the same thing happened when I woke up and after seeing that last night I am so glad I am alive and not in the hospital. New York is so fucking crazy but that could happen anywhere. Cars are weapons - it scares the shit out of me. Well I feel like more than ever I can ask the drivers to slow the fuck down when I'm in a car. I said the Our Father prayer like 75 times I was so freaked out. The ambulance came super fast and they got him out of there pretty fast but it was so fucking scary - I just prayed - I didn't know what else to do. I got a bucket of water because when it first happened a woman screamed for water - so I go running over with water and she was like - "Throw it there!!!" Only there was no smoke and can you imagine if I fucking threw water on that guy pinned in between 2 vehicles? Jesus - so I put the bucket down and started to pray. I have to go - or I want to go. For some reason I can't figure out completely this configuration really hurts my arm. But okay - I can handle it - it's okay. I'm lucky I have a job to be at - jobs and I'm lucky I could WALK here and take a shower, drink water and take vitamins before coming here. Jeez - thank you Blueberry. I love you - talk to you later.

I just totally farted and then a lady walked into

the boutique. It has been quiet all day and then one time I fart someone walks in? Jeez. I can tell you one reason I am upset. I'm fat and I can NOT lose this weight. I am really 15 pounds over what I should be and I just can't get rid of it. Look I know I eat french fries, pizza and nachos every weekend but really? I also would be so much better if I could let myself swim all the time. FUCK THIS IS HARD OKAY? I'm fucking frustrated and I am really fucking sexually frustrated. It has been 2 years - TWO YEARS since I've had sex. What - are you fucking kidding me? Jesus Christ. I have to go and read this book on meditation. OWE MY ARM HURTS.

Pimples on my face and anxiety/rage/panic/worry/more anxiety

in my heart. Jeez Mother Fucking Louise - I am a mess. I have no idea what is happening - I am filled with anxiety and I seriously - okay - here's the good things I did today so far. I'm at work - I ate breakfast and took all my supplements and vitamins and did my holistic stuff. Yesterday I went swimming and it was really so amazing I just can't even tell you. I just had Sushi which I think is better than the bacon, cheeseburger, fries and malt that I wanted to eat. I'm very glad I didn't. I did Yoga yesterday and I prayed and meditated TWICE. I'm just - I didn't go to a meeting yesterday and I really needed one. I can never go down to no money again - it's really bad for me. Yes I needed a day off and to stay home but I could have gone to a meeting in the neighborhood and put change in the basket. I just don't want to do the work - give back - nothing. I feel like I am going to explode right now. I seriously do. I put oil on my legs and massaged them the last 3 nights and I also have been putting tiger balm on my sore shoulder. i have PMS - that's all there is to it. I have to go - I think I just need to relax and read. Bye Bluebie. Love to youbie.

What the fuck?

Okay - look I got a haircut yesterday and it was expensive and on Monday I bought myself a 40 dollar pair of sneakers. I didn't get a haircut/color or it would have been SUPER expensive. I didn't buy expensive sneakers and anything else I spent money on this week I needed - like food and yesterday I only ate food that I brought with me. Now she hasn't paid me for the boutique or she paid me yesterday and it hasn't gone through yet. So now I am beating myself up for having gotten a haircut and buying sneakers and I only have a dollar left in my checking account. Oh I had 5 dollars worth of Sushi - I had that. Ugh I am so upset. I'm upset and I'm trying not to be. I sent her an email and asked her when she did pay me. Thank God I didn't plan to go to the beach with my friend Melissa - I would have had to cancel last minute. So should I go to the bank and take out money from my savings? One week in and I'm already fucking this up. I do not like being out and about with no money - it's awful. Okay - look - I didn't budget well and it totally annoys me that I can not depend on her - what an asshole. I'm so fucking mad right now. I really am. This is exactly what I have trouble with - I feel like I don't have a right to get mad and I also feel like had I lived differently this week this wouldn't matter. It would ALWAYS matter - I'm SUPPOSED TO GET PAID ON TIME. She fucking screamed at me until I fucking CRIED hysterically because I made a mistake and had to hang up the phone because I couldn't take it anymore and SHE NEVER PAYS ON TIME. Fuck. Okay - I clearly need a meeting and I am so glad I'm not taking Saturday off from work - I have to work this weekend. I'm supposed to go see my parents on Sunday. Fuck - I am in such a bad mood - it makes me wan to go to her boutique - turn on the lights and then lay down in the dressing room and meditate and take a nap. I am really having a hard time tolerating these feeling right now and you know what? I have every right to be angry - who wouldn't be angry? Seriously - what a fucking asshole. She's in THE HAMPTONS and she couldn't - ugh - okay - look - I'm done - I will talk to Victoria about it and right now I guess I need to eat some breakfast and pray and meditate. Figure out my day a little differently that's all - no paying bills for me today. It's alright they aren't due yet. Bye Blueberry - I do love YOU. I just want what I want and I'm not getting what I want but honestly - that happens sometimes. What also happens is she never pays on time and that's really fucking annoying. Oye - okay - I could get a job somewhere else right? Now I'm exhausted.

More weird dreams but I watched Tangled and it

was really cute. That makes no sense. Haha - the good part about Tangled is that they make you realize that it's actually better to be a brunette. The other part of that movie is the - ugh - I will write more about it later - I'm sort of in a rush. I have to call the hair saloon and find out if I can afford the haircut - THEN I need to go greet at my meeting and get my hair cut and then go to another meeting. Tomorrow will be a day OFF. I am not going anywhere and I am just going to clean, reorganize things and pay bills. I will go to my meeting but that's it. My dreams were so yucky - about this fat woman who kept getting fatter and fatter and oozing out all over the place with her fat and it was gross and awful. I also dreamed about 2 of my sisters and one said the other one was filled with rage. Please - I'm filled with rage. Last night in therapy I really had a break through - sort of - I mean it was like a soft bending really. There's no real crazy break throughs in analysis - it takes too long for it to be that dramatic. But I saw what was at the center of all my blocks. What was/is at the center of me feeling unlikeable in totality. I know when I am funny and nice I am likable but when I am grumpy and angry - I think I am anything but. So how sad is that to think I could only be loved if I act one way? How EXHAUSTING is that? That is why people get sik - that right there. Jeez. So I untangled some stuff. It felt like a big part of the tangle. A BIG part. I also saw that I didn't quite have my shit as together as I thought all those years ago. Yes - I did a lot of comedy, acting class, dance class, voice class - any kind of class plus MORE - shows, writing classes, just writing, auditions, extra work, regular work - sex - holy fuck!! Now that I'm writing it down - jesus - I was so unorganized - for the most part - and unhappy. Desperate and tired. There was a rush about it but holy cow - wow - okay - jeez. Okay - I have to go - I love you Blubie!!! P.S. My dreams are still so crazy so I need to keep working hard on myself because I am only just beginning to get to the long ago forgotten trash. What? Jeez - so ridiculous!!!

Tropic Thunder.

Now THAT is a movie I would have loved to have been in - or something like that. Fucking hilarious, ridiculous but they were really acting - I loved it. Ugh I really miss acting sometimes. Performing. I miss putting on costumes and different disguises. I used to occasionally ride the subway and walk around as whatever my character was. One time I was a fat girl - really fat - lumpy fat and people were mean to me - not nice. I put on this horrible stretch pant, loose shirt outfit and stuffed myself with tons and tons of tissues. TONS. I also put on a short brown wig and really bad sunglasses. It was fun!! Another time I was lumpy pregnant - no one cared. Alrighty - soooooo. Larni is a turd - he really is. Should I take Saturday night off from work? I don't want to - I really need the money. If I'm going to work just to "show him" then that's not a good idea. All of the movies we made a being shown at a festival and Saturday night is opening night - red carpet - the whole thing. It would be fun - I'm not so sure. I will talk to people about it and then decide. Yes - wow - that must be the most sober thought I have had in a long, long time. I really want to go get a manicure and pedicure and a back rub. They have a combo deal for 32 dollars downtown. Yes I am going to go do that. I have to go. I feel inspired to write a poem.

Oh Monday - I do love you

Oh Not Working I love you too

Oh craziness inside me - I feel you are right

I want to let you be free but no - I shouldn't.

Oh Christ really? It's all so hard.

The focus it takes me to just not be a complete lunatic is exhausting.

I have to walk the dog - by have I mean I want to because I love her.

I smell smoke - RAGE. Bye.

Dreamt about a dead guy who wouldn't be dead last night.

He was talking to me and he put his arm around my shoulder and I pushed it away because he smelled completely like shit (because he was dead) and I remember that in the dream I was so proud of myself for pushing him away. He kept following me and talking to me and I was so confused as to why he wouldn't be dead. He followed me all through this big building entrance and all the way to these clear elevators - where I got on without him and he watched me go up the elevators and he was smiling the whole time. He didn't look THAT bad for a dead guy but he looked dead and he smelled dead. Then I kept asking everyone why he wouldn't just be dead and no one would answer me. I was so sad that he wouldn't let himself rest. He was so happy to see me but I'm not sure if I believe that. I do think he wanted to tell me something. I knew this man years ago - his picture - a BIG picture of him is still hanging in the comedy club I work at. He has been dead for years also. I was in the green room last night and I looked through the glass near to where the bar is and I saw the picture and I was like "Oh right - hiya." Then I had that dream. He stuuuuunk - it was fucking gross. I wasn't scared really - just grossed out by the smell and confused. I should look this up in the dream dictionary. This is why I write on here - I wrote this and now I feel better. Somerset Maugham has one of his characters say that in his book "Of Human Bondage." She says "You writers are such a funny lot - you write it down and then it's out of you." I'm POSITIVE that isn't the right quote but it's something like that. Guess what else? Tall Not So Dark And Creepy just started playing his guzheng and I got all mad and I was like "Okay - I can be mad - freak out, call him selfish (which I did) and be miserable or I can be grown-up and go ask him to shut the door or if it's a CD to turn it down. Then I felt so much better and 5 minutes later he stopped. So see - I'm not sooooo much better than I was last year but I am better. I am a little bit better. A little less fat and a little less filled with putrid rage. Holy cow. The doctor told me that some of the stuff he gave me is to help with that deep seated rage "stuff" in me. OH BOY!!! The dog is staring at me but it's raining so I can't take her out. Every time I look at her she wags her tail. Holy fuck I love this dog so much. She's so cute - such a bright light to come home to. She has such a sweet heart - she really does - you can see it in her tail. Bye Blueberry - I loooove you.

I just read my post from a year ago today.....and guess what?

Now my ankles don't hurt. Hahaaa - and big, BIG sigh. The one thing that has changed is that I said if I make it to a year without drinking it would be a miracle - and guess what? I did so I guess a miracle happened. What else has changed? I paid off some old bills, almost done paying back my best friend, I have another job - ugh. I started seeing the holistic doctor. What else? i don't know - now I'm annoyed - it suddenly feels so fucking hot in here. I just need to make it to 2 years and then I can keep going. Just make it through tonight. I suppose that I really - ugh I don't know - I have to go to my other job - I can't think - all I want to do is eat pizza and french fries. A woman came in here and asked me when I was due. Then when I told her I'm not pregnant she asked if I was on medication and if that's what the problem was. Then she told me to stop eating half way through my meal. Or AT LEAST to separate my meals into HALVES and only eat one half - if I can. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? Why is always unattractive people who talk like this to people? Seriously - she said it so off-handedly all of it - like it couldn't have any effect on my feelings whatsoever. I hate her - I have to go I need a Frappucino.

Well they were not fucking kidding when they said

it would be a long, slow recovery. They should call it a long, slow, the longer, then it feels like you aren't changinging, almost halted, what the fuck am I doing recovery. Last night was such a nightmare at the comedy club. I had these 4 "guys" the last show who not only toook their check and hid it (I'm not fucking kidding - like this would make them not have to pay their bill) but THEN had the balls to be COMPLETE douches about paying. Do you know what made me finally stop being upset? One of them gave me a gift card for 25 dollars and his regular credit card to charge 15 dollars on. WELL the gift card didn't go through so I put all of it on his regular credit card and told him the gift card was declined. He freaked out and in his chubby Australian accent said "No way is that card declined - it's a trust fund!! It's a trust fund car!!! Do you know what that is?? A trust fund - it can't be declined - no way!!!" And at that point I could no longer take him even remotely seriouly. No you stupid so clearly do not actually have a trust fund douche bag - I have no idea what a trust fund is - please explain. The after they paid and he was in my face I said "Sir please get away from me - you are making me very uncomfortable" he said "You owe me 10 dollars and I'm going to call the cops - THE SECRET SERVICE!!!" The bouncer was like go ahead and call them sir - please - call the secret service and tell them you are mad because you had to actually pay your bill. Can you believe I am writing this? It for some reason scared me but it also made me so mad because they had money and they were being bullies and douches. And he was so chubby and Australian and faggy (I'M SORRY!!) and in my face. He kept asking for a balloon for his drinks. One of the tables next to them came up to me and said "They are totally trying to scam you - they have the check in their pocket and were talking about not paying the whole time." Anyway - okay let's put this past us Blueberry. The manager woman who always makes me upset was their last night and SHE makes me so upset. I'm not sure why. Part of it is my victimy mentality which is still so strong in me. The other part is the fact that she's just - ugh - I don't know. This isn't good - I should stop. Okay - what is good? I made money - I took a shower today - walked the dog and I have on a clean, pretty dress, make-up and cute jewelry from here. I need to go to like 3 meetings tomorrow. How about some eggs? I had some cherries already....how about some delicious eggs and coffee. Bye Bluebie - looooove youie.

Oh fucking really?

I am here at the boutique and it has already been busy. I woke up late again and I really don't know how I will get to a meeting - I really don't. I just suddenly got so tired. Work was great last night - I made great money. I can put money in the bank before work tonight and be okay for the stuff that I need to pay for on Monday. I looked at myself in the mirror last night and realized what I look like now. It's so sad. I feel like I work so hard on myself and I am so average looking and I am still fat. I really could lose 10 - 20 pounds for real. Okay - who cares - it's fine. I am exhausted but wired - a terrible combination. I'm okay though and I drank my green drink, took shower and did my holistic stuff before bed and in the morning. My skin looks good. I drank lots of water at work last night. I took my vitamins today. I want an easy way out of being fat. I want an easy way back into my dancers body. You could never tell I used to dance. I literally am shaped just like my Grandmother. The same gut. But with smaller boobs. HA!!! I got the gut but not the boobs - what the fuck? I have one big boob. I need to stop writing - this is getting me nowhere. I love you Blueberry - talk to you later.

Hellooooo Thursday at the boutique.

Boring so far but the good part is I was an hour and 15 minutes late. What? Seriously I could not wake up - at all. I finished watching The outlaw Josey Wales AND I loved it - so crazy and the I watched the movie my landlord had his boyfriend bring up to me. It's called Orlando and it was fucking FANTASTIC - although I don't know how it ends because my computer froze at the last 10 minutes. Sally Potter is one of my favorite film makers ever - The Tango Lesson is one of my favorite movies and soundtracks of all time. Can you imagine I never thought to look up if she had made other movies? I walked by them as they were watching the movie and the landlord asked if I wanted to watch it and I was like - oh okay but I didn't really mean it. Then Boris brought it up to me right after they were done watching it and he said with his super thick Russian accent "It's still warm from the DVD player." Haha - it cracked me up for some reason. Anyway I watched it and I realized while listening to the soundtrack it sounded like The Tango Lesson and then I realized the same woman created both movies. It is a visually stunning movie and Tilda Swinton is amazing AND funny. That's what I liked about Josey Wales also...and Clint Eastwood was a HUNK - holy crap. 2 totally different movies but both were amazing and gorgeous. Crazy. It got me so excited I couldn't sleep. I went to the snake doctor yesterday and then did more of the work he is having me do. It's really hard and I am resistant to the meditation. Do you know what is so crazy? I was having all these negative thoughts today and then I was like "Whoa - stop - just focus on yourself and your own issues and keeping your own program and recovery sharp" and that voice in my head was CLEARER and LOUDER than the other voice. It was like my mind antenna was picking up a much clearer signal from the positive, healing thoughts. I suppose that it obvious but to actually feel it was kind of mind blowing. I have to go Bluebie!! I looooveeee youuuu!!!!

Loving myself is the most spiritual

thing I can d and it is the exact opposite of how I am wired. I am in disbelief - sort of but not really. So being nice to myself and takinng really good, slow, loving care of myself is the MOST spiritual thing I can do? Wow. I mean I know I also have to be kind to others but not to the detriment of myself - jeez. Bye.

I amseriously bored out of my fucking mind.

I'm here st the boutique and I seriously had to walk through torrential downpour to get here. It was raining like crazy and the whole time I was like "SEE I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO - NO I CA NOT WORK." Ugh - do you know what else? Larni called me because our mutual friend is opening a comedy club tomorrow night and he asked me if I would waitress. Are you fucking kidding me? When I was first listening to the message I thought he was going to ask me to perform but instead he asked me TO FUCKING BE THEIR WAITRESS!! He offered no money AND said be there at 7:30 like I would just jump right on that shit no problem. How fucking rude is that anyway? Not to mention it's last minute AND - ugh - fuck. Here is the thing - I am so fucking victimy and I also can NOT say no so I so mad he asked me anyway. I feel like I should still say yes and that is the last thing I want to do. He didn't even ask me if it was okay - like just assumed I would want to do that. Fucking a. I have a lot of work to do and it has to d with saying no and that it's okay to say no. Today Her Lady Wonder said to me that God is in the pauses and that it's good to say no. I think I always thought it was not spiritual to say no - but now I realize it is very, VERY spiritual. Now of course it's not raining anymore. I was slipping and sliding all over the place trying to get here and I was PISSED - so fucking annoyed. Okay - I have to learn to say no - She said my default should just be no - just say no. Or at least say let me think about it - let me figure it out. I had a healthy lunch at least. I have to go - slow learning. I'm so mad because I wanted to go to my regular meeting. Jeez.

What is going on with me?

I woke up twice in the middle of the night - once because it smelled like smoke - soooo much - and the other time because I thought my father died. Right a that moment. I feel so sick to my stomach and I am experiencing a LOT of fucking anxiety. What the fuck is going on with me? I have to say that I am a mess and I would love to know when my being sober is going to help improve my life? It is cleaner - my life is cleaner - I am cleaner. I just feel so scared right now - paranoid. Is it this work I am doing from The Presence Process? Am I really this scared all the time and I had no idea? Holy shit - it's insane. I'm riddled with anxiety right now. My dog is better - for sure - awww - she has been sleeping with me all night long!!! Sooo sweet. It might be in part the cigarette smoke and the stress of working 2 jobs I don't like and I feel like I am getting nowhere - fast. I need to start looking at Graduate Schools again. I would need to apply by February I think so I should really get going on this. I have an idea for an article I want to write. I'm scared to do it. Yesterday I was thinking I was just too tired - I have no inspiration, I'm not really interested, I have no talent....but I really think I'm just scared. Okay I have to be brave and nice today and tell my friend I can't come in and work 2 hours for her anymore on my days off. I also think I might have to switch my days so I'm not doing doubles all the time. Something about writing on here and this coffee is making me feel better. Jeez - I really need a meeting. A meeting and then run errands and then go work for 2 hours all the way over on the East Side completely out of my way. Ooooo - I have a bad attitude!! It is adding structure to my day AND I will walk everywhere. Okay - boundaries - this is an opportunity for boundaries. I feel sick again. I can't wait to go to the doctor tomorrow - jeez. Okay - bye Bluebie - I love you.

So tired and stressed out.

I slept 10 hours and I did feel quite a bit better. I meditated for 50 minutes and I had a very healthy breakfast. I told my friend at the boutique I would work for her for 2 hour tomorrow and I really didn't want to. Why did I do that? I'm so fucking tired. Okay - I need to just relax and learn how to say no. I feel like I need to lay down. I still have to go to the hardware store and Vitamin Shop PLUS my all time favorite health food store reopened today and I want to go check it out. That just got me excited!! I will go to the bank tomorrow and do my meeting then go work for her. I can't keep going in and working 2 hours for her - it's not going to work for me AT all. I am exhausted. Okay - I will feel better after a shower - I felt so much better after I meditated. Byee Bluebie Blueb.

So tired.

Am I ever going to get my energy level back? Maybe not. Well I guess maybe I don't even know what my energy level is. I am so tired right now but I did get almost 8 hours of sleep - thank God. I had ANOTHER drinking dream/shopping/performing dream - only this one was so fucking sneaky. I dreamed that I was in this waiting room with these other comedians and one of them - or all of them - were drinking and the one to my left (a woman) put ice cubes from her drink on my boobs and I just reached down with my mouth and ate them. After I was munching on them for awhile I asked if they were from her alcoholic drink and she said yes. Which I KNEW because it tasted like alcohol. I also was trying to shop for these - I don't now - these pretty tangerine glittery shoes. I had them and then they fell behind the display and I kept picking up all these other different shoes - all different colors and sizes - but they were all sandals and all not the pair I originally had. I tried on what I thought was a skirt - but then it turned into a dress - a long flowy flowered dress. Seriously - what the fuck is it with me and shoes? One of the other girls in the waiting room was trying to go down on me and I kept resisting but then I finally gave in and then she asked me why I had so much pubic hair. Turns out she wasn't trying to go down on me she was doing a pube check - and from the back no less. She kept nudging my ass and I was like - no - no and then I was like - oh what the fuck go ahead - and THEN she commented on my pubes. I felt tricked. Okay - seriously - no wonder I'm tired - my mind never rests when I am sleeping. On a reality note I am still sober and I haven't bought any new shoes or let anyone go down on me OR do a pube check. I told that guy that I am 40 as he is 31 and he said - haha "No way!! I love old broads!!" Quote and end quote. Hahaha - oh boy. I should go and walk Miss Doggie and try to pray/meditate/yoga/meeting. I just really want to lay back down. NO!!! I must travel forward - rest later. Sooooo sleepy. Byeeeee Blueberrryyyyy!!!!!

Oh my fucking GOD I am so annoyed now.

Okay first of all I had the weirdest and worst drunk dream last night. It was my same recurring drunk dream where I go back and drink more and more and time continues and I'm still drinking and lying about it at meetings. Drinking and lying to myself and everyone - being all "This is no big deal - so I have a couple of drinks and say I'm sober - so WHAT?" Only this time in the dream I decide to fess up and start counting days again and being honest at meetings. So I start to count days and I go to my meeting and I say I'm counting days because I was drinking - for a LONG time and going to meetings. THEN the crowd gasps and 2 things happen. I start to tell them about how I woke up from a dream where I was drinking all the time and how I WAS drinking all the time. Then everyone ignores me - shuns me for drinking again. It was a horrible multi-layered, braided up dream. What the fuck? Okay then also Larni asked if someone else could film his video this week and - ugh I don't know - I'm so annoyed by him. Is it him really though? Am I upset that he doesn't think I'm funny or treat me like a queen when I want him to help me be better - do it for me. Make me famous for me. I think - ha - think - I know - it's the same thing I've done in the past. I wanted him to make me famous for me and I'm mad that he doesn't think I'm a genius when I'm not being one around him - nor am I really being myself. Ugh am I explaining this right? Things are changing and here's the thing - if I don't feel good around him or creatively fulfilled or whatever - that's my shit to deal with. He has problems and I do feel pulled off myself when I am with him but here's the other thing.....for years I felt like he was better than me and I think for a long time I have still been operating from that stand point. Things are just changing and I am annoyed but I also did think he would fuck me over and drop me at some point and here's the real thing. I don't want to work with him anymore anyway. If he wants me in front of the camera or - I don't know - time to take a step back. WHY AM I SO MAD? I feel used, dropped and like he doesn't think I'm funny. I hate that so much. I am suddenly so tired. It might be that 3 egg omlet I just ate in 5 minutes flat. Oh dear. It also just makes me mad that he's so angry and bitter and doesn't work and doesn't go into a program. Wowzers this rage is not good in me. Okay I'm going to call Her Lady Wonder.

Waiting for my omelet, waiting for my dreams.

I am starving - I ordered and omelet from Green Kitchen and it should be here soon. I'm at the boutique again and I got some sleep last night so I am okay. I got here half an hour late but I have to take care of myself. I will stay a hour an hour later. I needed sleep so badly - but since I got almost 8 hours I'm okay. I took a shower, did all my holistic stuff from the Snake Doctor and took care of my doggie. I made my bed, took my vitamins and drank my green drink. It's a lot of fluking work. I wish I had time to pray and meditate. I will have to try to figure out how to fit that in on these days where I do all these doubles. It's a beautiful day - sunny and warm but not hot or muggy. I like being busy. Bye my omelet is here.

Yo waz up.

Chillin' here at the boutique. I was so fucking tired this morning I couldn't even believe it. I got 7 hours of sleep and I could have slept at LEAST 3 more - at least. Holy shit I really have no idea how much sleep I need or how I'm ever going to get 9-10 hours of sleep a night and have any kind of life. My girlfriend does - I forgot what I named her on here but she gets tons of sleep and she totally has a life. A FULL life. Okay - well Her Lady Wonder said that's what I'm supposed to figure out now - how to live and sleep being sober. I never actually knew what I needed before so now I can figure it out. So someone sort of asked me out on a date and it was fun!! I mean him asking - we didn't do anything and I'm not sure what he even entirely meant but it was fun having a guy ask me to do something. The amazing part is I have no idea what his last name is so I can't google him or check to see if our signs match or any of that weird bullshit. To be honest I don't even care if we ever go out I'm just so happy that it was something along the lines of healthy. Hahaha - oh BOY - wow. That's pathetic - hilarious but ridiculous. So anyway I feel okay now and have on my make-up that I spent 77 dollars on and guess what? The eye shadow (creme eye shadow) isn't as waterproof as she said it was. Yes I actually bought creme eye shadow and believed it was waterproof. Or maybe my super power is melting off any kind of make-up off my face - no matter what it is made of. A woman just came in and said she was looking for work and she was - I don't know - I felt bad for her. She looked as put together as nutty person could look. She looked like she was on drugs. Not hard drugs - maybe just coke? How is that not a hard drug? She asked me if I was full time and if it was quiet here. Ooo - I'm going to google her!! Okay I should go. I have some staring out the window and judging people to do. Amen. p.s. I just farted and it melted a little more of the waterproof eye shadow off - pee-uuuuuu.

Mid-Day Report

I have to do an "End of the day" report here at the boutique - so this is my "Mid-day report" here at Blueberries and Dreams. Soooooooo - so. Sew buttons on your underwear. I always loved saying that when I was little. Sooooo - "Sew buttons on your underwear!!!" Anyway I'm here at the boutique and I'm going to the comedy club after this. I think I finally figured out what color my hair is supposed to be. 6BB Light Beige Brown. Yup - I really do think that's my natural hair color. A woman just walked by outside the boutique and she had on no underwear and loose shorts and somehow it reminded me of the time I came home with my boyfriend and my roommate's "sister" was naked in my bed with her boyfriend and their stuff all over the place. So they just get up after I freaked out - of course - I had never even MET this girl or even KNEW she was going to be staying in the apartment - all calm and bring their stuff into her "sister's" room. I say "sister's" because she clearly didn't know what her "sister's" stuff looked like or she would have been in that fucking room. Then in the middle of the night she justs walks through my room completely naked to go to the bathroom. She was HOT don't get me wrong and she HAD to walk through my room to ge to the bathroom - but seriously? My roommate at the time was dating Joaquin Phoenix and she was never home. She was a model from South Africa (although her "sister" was American) and we lived on second street across from a cemetery. She was a vegan and when I moved in she wanted to make sure I didn't cook meat in the house. The bathroom was also the shower. Have I written this before? It was so crazy. It was just a teeny tiny shower/bathroom - the drain right in the middle of the floor and the shower head right up top - but there was also a sink and a toilet. Sometimes while I was taking a shower I would sit on the toilet and pee and think "I'm peeing in the shower!!" and it would crack me up. It was so weird. There was a little window also. So as long as you weren't taking a shower - it was just a normal bathroom. That was right next to bed where someone had to walk through my bedroom if they wanted to go to the bathroom. I'm sorry - if they wanted to be naked and walk through my bedroom to get to the bathroom. I lived there about 6 months and then I moved to 5th street where I had to take a shower with a hose in the hugest old tub you have ever seen. I could completely lie down in this tub but it had this hose thing permanently attached to it only you had to hold it in your hand. Haha - that just made me laugh - it was sooo ridiculous. I lived there for almost 2 years. I got used to the shower hose actually. A girl who lived above me used to fight with her boyfriend all the time and one night she screamed "THIS RELATIONSHIP IS KILLING ME!!!" It was HILARIOUS. They must have broken up after that because I didn't hear them fight anymore. Holy crap I just realized that the relationship might have actually killed her. No no - I saw her in the hallway after that - she was moving out - thank God. Okay - time to go and write my "End of the Day Report." i always have to stop myself from writing really obnoxious things about the people who come in here. Seriously - I mean the truth - but she doesn't completely need or want to hear that. I have to goes Blues - byeeee.

Shoes.

I used to have all these shoes that weren't really my shoes. I only bought them because I thought the guy I was dating would like me better if i had shoes that were his "style" on. I had so many different styles and none of them made sense or were really all that comfortable on me. I do like many different styles of things - especially shoes but this was different. I had a shoes rack at one point and it looked like 3 completely different people had their shoes on that rack. What I'm trying to say and this is hard and I've probably said it before but....I feel unlovable. I just do. Isn't that awful???? I can't imagine that my own way of dressing, being, breathing, thinking and farting is possible lovable. It's so fucking ridiculous but so true. Yesterday a guy was looking at me and I couldn't imagine why he was. I really kept trying to figure out what he saw. I did have on shoes that I like and a dress I bought because the style looks good on me and it was 14 dollars. Jesus - and for the first time in a long time I was just taking care of myself and not concerned about - men. I still am not concerned about men - I have too much to do now. HA!! Do I? Ohhhh I'm so busy walking around and going to meetings. And working and walking the dog - yes!!! I am busier thank you very much and I have a life to plan - a sober life. She actually paid me for the store. Holy fuck and thank GOD because I was so worried about having no money today to go to the beach with my friend. She did pay me and I'm giving myself a pat on the back for reminding her to. The doctor was great yesterday and he gave me so many things for stress. Um - how embarrassing is that? Well - whatever I have been stressed. What a freaking summer. I can finally use my beach bag and my beach towel. This coffee is way too strong. Okay so the train leaves at 9:17 so I need to walk the dog. I took a shower last night so I'm all ready. It's early but I do like being up......not tooooo early but this early is good. I can already hear construction and life feels awake. The world is a different color waking up now than having still been awake. How is that? The world is gray being up all night but waking up early - not hung-over - the world is bright and multi-colored. So amazing. Okay - bye Blueberry - talk to you later!!

Hmmm - well...

I got some good sleep - I absolutely adore going to bed around midnight - that's my regular wanting to go to sleep. That's my bedtime. I used to always go to bed at midnight when I was muuuuch younger - before I was a total drunk. When I was doing lots and lots of comedy I went to bed at 2 and that was okay but I didn't love it. So I now have 2 great nights sleep and I'm starting to feel better from the 3 weeks of working like crazy. Now I will see this week what it is like to work 3 doubles in a row. Well it will probably be better than working 3 regular days and THEN 3 doubles. She was supposed to pay me yesterday so I reminded her. How great is that? She would have totally forgotten. Now let's see if she actually does it. I need to wash my hair so badly - walking around the city it gets so fucking dirty. I walked from 72nd and Columbus to 5th and Cooper Union yesterday. The sun felt sooooo good! So good. I have to go greet at my meeting. Do my service. Be of service. I could really do that more - for sure. Okay - so today I will. Bye Bluebie - I love you!!

I'm so tired.

I got my taxes done today, bought my niece and my nephews presents, walked and walked, drank lots of H2O, got a sunburn from walking, got my dog her special dog food, had a sandwich and went to a meeting. I got home, had another sandwich, did laundry, cleaned more, walked the dog and did my nails. I feel like should do my hair but I am so fucking tired it's insane. I have clothes in the dryer still but they will be dry in a couple of minutes. Oh I also looked through my clothes for stuff my pregnant sister can wear and took pictures of the stuff I found and sent her the pics. She likes the stuff so I'm going to go ahead and just send it. I'm throwing out more of my shoe and a shirt - well I should say I'm putting them on the "Giving Fence" out back int he alley where I hang all the stuff I don't want. This Asian guy rides by all the time and picks stuff up - so do a few different women. I saw him take a pair of rain boots I put out there once. These hideous leopard rubber ones. Every time I see a girl wearing boots like that I wonder if they are mine. I'm fighting off a cold. I really want to do my hair but I feel like I am pushing it so much. I really just need to go to sleep. I wish I had a tub - that I would do. There is a tub across the way but I don't feel like cleaning right now. I would have to clean it first before using it. Am I a boring person? I feel like all I do is clean, walk and go to work. Oh and meetings. Maybe I am boring. I don't know - I think at this moment I don't care. I am going to get the clothes out - oh fuck I washed a blanket - so I have to wait for that also. That won't take long either. I really do appreciate having a washer and dryer here. I have to go. I need to floss. Ha - yes I am VERY boring. Bye Bluebie!!