Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I used to have all these shoes that weren't really my shoes. I only bought them because I thought the guy I was dating would like me better if i had shoes that were his "style" on. I had so many different styles and none of them made sense or were really all that comfortable on me. I do like many different styles of things - especially shoes but this was different. I had a shoes rack at one point and it looked like 3 completely different people had their shoes on that rack. What I'm trying to say and this is hard and I've probably said it before but....I feel unlovable. I just do. Isn't that awful???? I can't imagine that my own way of dressing, being, breathing, thinking and farting is possible lovable. It's so fucking ridiculous but so true. Yesterday a guy was looking at me and I couldn't imagine why he was. I really kept trying to figure out what he saw. I did have on shoes that I like and a dress I bought because the style looks good on me and it was 14 dollars. Jesus - and for the first time in a long time I was just taking care of myself and not concerned about - men. I still am not concerned about men - I have too much to do now. HA!! Do I? Ohhhh I'm so busy walking around and going to meetings. And working and walking the dog - yes!!! I am busier thank you very much and I have a life to plan - a sober life. She actually paid me for the store. Holy fuck and thank GOD because I was so worried about having no money today to go to the beach with my friend. She did pay me and I'm giving myself a pat on the back for reminding her to. The doctor was great yesterday and he gave me so many things for stress. Um - how embarrassing is that? Well - whatever I have been stressed. What a freaking summer. I can finally use my beach bag and my beach towel. This coffee is way too strong. Okay so the train leaves at 9:17 so I need to walk the dog. I took a shower last night so I'm all ready. It's early but I do like being up......not tooooo early but this early is good. I can already hear construction and life feels awake. The world is a different color waking up now than having still been awake. How is that? The world is gray being up all night but waking up early - not hung-over - the world is bright and multi-colored. So amazing. Okay - bye Blueberry - talk to you later!!