Sunday, July 31, 2011

Still sober, confused but less angry.

I had a nice day. I guess? I am exhausted. I got home last night at about 1:00 a.m. after working both jobs and very hard at the comedy club. I got home and Tall Not So Dark And Creepy was playing music of himself playing his Guzheng while playing his Guzheng - VERY loudly and no I'm not fucking kidding. I walked the dog and realized while I was out there that if I said goodnight on my way back up the stairs maybe he would stop. He did but at 3:00 a.m. after I was asleep for a little over an hour he started playing again...or that's when his "quiet playing" woke me up. I put in ear plugs and went back to angry sleep. I woke up at 8:00 - no - yes - I don't know - um - yes - my alarm went off at 7:00 but I woke up at 8:00 and got ready super fast, walked the dog and went to Brooklyn which took forever. I met my family for a wonderful breakfast at a super cute place and then brought my Mom to Penn Station and stayed with her there till her train came. Then my battery went off my phone, I shopped, got so fucking tired, ate, went to the bank,shopped more, ate more and went to a meeting. I should have gone home at some point but I didn't trust myself to leave the house again. I shared at the meeting and was sooooo fucking - I don't know - over shared I guess. My friend made fun of me but who cares? I came home, cleaned, did dishes, walked the dog and ate some more. I also drank lots of water. I got some really cute things today and I didn't spend too much (except for the 77 dollars I spent on make-up) but it makes me feel so fucking guilty for doing nice things for myself. I'm going to pay my rent when she gives me my money from the boutique. I'm so annoyed at his boyfriend. That's not right - I can't do that. Okay - I have so much to learn and I'm so - I don't know. It's so hard - it's so uncomfortable. To talk in front of people and I want to be FUNNY and CHARMING and for everyone to LOVE me and leave me alone and think I'm great but not look at me too much. What the fuck? In reality I should have gone home at some point today and charged my phone, taken a nap and washed my hair. I had time for all of that but I just didn't want to get back ont he subway or - what? Be in reality? I can NOT beat myself up. I'm just saying. I have to go to sleep. Fuck I really need glasses and I LOVE a clean room. So much. I need to sleep. I'm getting my taxes done tomorrow. It's time - it is August tomorrow after all. The good part is that he had plenty of appointments available. Okay I also have to get my niece's present etc. So tired - feel sick bye.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Another hot day....

at the boutique...I'm tired - yesterday was a busy day and work was busy. I picked my Momma up from Penn Station and we went to see my cousin's teeny tiny new baby and had lunch with them. It was really fun. I really like Fort Greene - it's a really cute borough. I then went to a meeting, walked to work and worked. then I got her by 10:30 and now I'm so tired. I'm meeting them again at 9:30 tomorrow morning for breakfast. It's cute to see my mother with her sister - that's fun for them. I like hearing their stories about all the ladies and people in their family. Holy shit - so many fucking people. I come from some serious breeders - on both sides - people who just looooved to have babies. They were telling stories about their Aunts and how no matter how hard it got they would always keep their senses of humor. Now I'm crying. Jesus. Life is so fucking emotional. I AM SO FUCKING EMOTIONAL. Good thing I have a sense of humor - holy fuck. No one would ever talk to me. It's really slow here today. At first it was just weirdos - I know that sounds mean - but seriously strange women. I was sitting here looking out the window and a guy I saw in the meeting last night walked by. It was so odd because at one point last night he looked at me in the meeting - I couldn't even tell you how - he just took me in. I see people all over this city all the time - it happens - that's all. It was strange though. I always look at people in meetings - everyone does. It was like - okay now I'm going to freak myself out. I'm stopping. This is what I get for reading so much scary stuff and watching so many scary shows and movies. I have 4 days off after this. I feel it is time for a poem.

Oh sobriety you haunt me like a dress I never knew I wanted.
Then I felt you on my body and now I can't live without you.
Your fabric is gossamer -
like a cloud - not the actor.
I would like to wear Ryan Gosling like a dress,
One that holds me and makes love to me while fucking me wildly and telling me how he's got secret health insurance waiting for me in my beach house that he bought me and put in my name along with a trust fund and a commitment to him.....

Clothes and hugs, earrings and muscles....

Bad music - zzzzzz100 - you zzzzzzzz me with the 4 songs you play over and over
Amy Winehouse is a lesson my brain doesn't understand and I still pray for Ryan Golsling and his fabric of Health Insurance.

I'm not sure what is creepier:

That guy who walked by before...OR

All the 50 year pregnant women on the Upper East Side.

I want to be free within boundaries of the sea and Ryan Gosling.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Even though I did something to take care of myself -

by asking her to let me leave at 6:00 today - I then had a totally hard time taking care of myself in every other way. It's like I have only a teeny tiny little amount of self-care in my self-care bank and I used it all up by asking for what I needed. By asking for not only what I needed but what I had originally agreed to when working this job. the I didn't drink enough water yesterday blah, blah blah. Okay - holy fuck - I feel like I'm newly getting sober again - so crazy. I almost have 2 years - I just need to hang in there and get to meetings. I already don't want to go to one tonight. OH MY GOD THIS IS SO HARD!! Okay - it's okay - it's really okay and I will really get to a meeting and I have water. Okay. Bye for now. It's so slow today it's crazy.

Okay. So..

Alright - so now I realize - without a doubt that I can NOT drink and I also cannot ignore that I need to take care of my alcoholism and - the ism part - or it rears it's ugly head in a very nasty way. I must say though that the cigarette situation at the house has definitely affected me also. Last night I got home and it smelled like cigarettes - thought I was crazy and then today the landlord said that his boyfriend smoked out back before they left. So I said - my window is open and the smoke goes right in and he said okay. Then I said thank you for telling me so that I didn't feel cray. He said oh sure - very nicely. I told him it affects my period, my moods - everything. He said he understands. He was very nice about it but seriously on another note ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Well I will keep saying something and eventually his boyfriend will smoke out front. Maybe. It's also just gross. It smells gross. Okay now I'm getting annoyed and so I'm going to stop writing about it. I heard a guy last night in a meeting talk about how he was single for 8 YEARS before he met anyone is sobriety. Holy fuck. Well - whatever. I'm lonely and I feel like I alienated my sister from me when I was such an asshole this summer. Well she has a right to her feelings. It's so quiet here today!! I was hoping she would give me another bonus but she didn't. I need to go to the beach. Next week I'm going. I need a day there. I'm trying to get in touch with the woman I student taught with to say sorry to her. Should I write to Boris and ask him not to smoke out there during the day also? This is so fucking boring right now - yesterday went by so much more quickly. Well I'm leaving today at 6 so I can go to my meeting. Okay - so after this I will only work here 3 days a week. Okay - fine. I have to go - I don't feel I am writing anything of worth. Lonely, fat but I'm sober. I'm sober and learning. Slowly. Very slowly.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

This has been the hardest summer of my life.

Oh my God - unbelievable. I have felt exactly the way I felt when I was with that guy - how I asked for what I needed and then everything exploded. Only this time - by the grace of GOD - literally - I didn't drink and I managed to talk to someone and not do anything too rash. I told her I can't work till 7 and she wasn't happy about it but I have to take care of myself and I can NOT - and I WILL NOT go through what I just went through because I can't get to meetings or take care of myself. I had no idea how much work it was to take care of this alcoholism. It's like another person in my life almost. It's so crazy. It's so OBVIOUS though. I don't know why I am like this and I do know that if I don't take care of it - I'm in big BIG trouble. I was sick to mystomac after asking her for what I needed - put up boundaries. Well - okay - so I'm not used to asking for what I need and it's so not easy. Part of me really wants to make this more drama but I can't do that. I just need to accept that whatever happens is what happens and be grateful that I also have another job that I was smart enough not to change. I have no water and didn't get to take a shower. I also have no money on me - all the ATM's in Harlem weren't working. I had diarrea and was constipated in the middle of the night last night. I swear I pooped out a rock. How awful is that? I was a mess but - well - ugh - I guess now I know lots of things I need to do to take care of myself. This is so hard. It would have been harder if I drank. If I did anything. It's a mracle I didn't. Now I just need to work towards it not happening again that's all. There is a meditation meeting tonight that I am going to go to and I also brought my Big Book with me to read today. Tonight when I get home I will work on my ammends with my Mom. She was so nice to me yesterday when I said I was upset about her not watcing the video. She watched it and then said to always say soemthing when I'm upset. Now I'm crying - how ridiculous - I jsut put on make-up. The owner just called and said for me not to get nervous and that for now it's okay to leave at 6. A restaurant might open next door and if it does she wants to reassess but until then - okay. Here's the thing - I could maybe get to a meeting before work? How the fuck am I going to do that? I need some food. Bye Blueberries - right now you sound so delicious!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Maybe I am a bit passed this....

What is so crazy is that I don't know what I would do if I had a family - a baby? I could have killed someone these last couple of days - it scared the shit out of me. I sent the landlord a message and said sorry - he said he loved me and we all have our moments. I thonestly made me laugh. I took a poop and I ate something. That coffee I have ben making at home isn't working? I don't know - I do know that I took 6 - SIX Senekot tablets - mother fucking sic and just took one poop. Probably between the Vitamin D and the smoking - the smoking stopping outside my room is what did it to me. I also made an appointment with the snake doctor and I also asked my friend to work one day for me so I can see my mother when she comes and see my cousin's baby. Although I must tell her I'm upset she didn't wtch my video I made.

I was mean to the landlord today.

I had gotten home last night and there was water on the shower floor and I had showered 10 hours before that. Then there was a nose smudge on the mirror which he has left those on my windows when he opens them. So today I just couldn't help myself and I asked him if he was in my bathroom. He said and I'm not kidding you "Whyyyyy was there moisture in there???" He was all over shocked and full of shit. then I got pissed. I walked the dog and came back in and again he said how strange it was that someone was maybe in there (are you fucking kidding me) and I still was going to let it go until he asked if my door was locked. So then I said yes - yes my door was locked but SO WHAT? He said - oh well if the door was locked?? And I said - my door is always locked and you unlock it - go in there and then lock it again - so so what? Did he hear me - probably not. But I said it and it felt good. When I left I said bye and for him to have a nice day but he didn't say it back. This is one of those things where he will say I was being abusive. I just was mad - mad that I have to leave the house to come here and I don't feel safe - just mad. Mad and done. Why should I carry it around with me all the time? He invades my boundaries and my space and I'm tired of it. I'm sure I will have to write to him and say sorry because that's the right thing to do - even though he has never said sorry to me for upsetting me, or leaving keys in my door - etc. I feel like I felt years ago when I was with that boyfriend - all used up and taken from. I feel like I am going to self destruct so huge. I called my sponsor and told her that I tried to get the Benedryl, didn't go to a meeting and was mean to the landlord. I have been fantasizing about flicking shit on his face and into his eye with a fork. How gross is that? Well it's not so hot today and I have on this comfortable dress so that is good. Please he doesn't care that I'm upset - he is looking at porn and smoking pot right now. I have to go BLueb - please pray for me.

Monday, July 25, 2011

I tried to get Benedryl tonight.

I really did - I went to a BOdega and they didn't have nay. Then I went to another one, then another one and then another one. Then I was like - fuck it I'm going to Duane Reade and I'm getting it there - if they don't have it there then I'm not meant to have it. I knew they would have it - they ALWAYS have it. Guess what? They didn't have it. All the shelves of it were empty. Gone, done and empty. I had to actually look at the shelf to see if I was in the right place. Then I was so shocked that even thought they had the Duane Reade version of it I couldn't get it - I said I wouldn't get it if there wasn't any at Duane Reade so I got a coffee instead. Then as I walked by ANOTHER bodega I went in there and asked for it - and he said no. I asked why no one had it and he said that no one has it anymore and he doesn't know why. I even went in the dollar store - and they just had any empty box of it. Mother fucker - how am I supposed to over look that I can't take that shit and I'm not meant to. It's already 11:00. I took Senekot for my pooping - lack of pooping problem. I hope it helps. I'm not even hungry - that's how fucked up I am. I'm always hungry. So I'm sober, angry and constipated. Haha but I have on cute shorts, a cute sweatshirt and I got a cute dress today. What? I can not bring myself to look through my clothes for my pregnant sister. She wants my fat clothes - OR just my clothes - for her for the fall. She's due in November which means she will be 8 months pregnant and wants my regular clothes to wear. She got so fucking pissed at me for not going to her family party and she also didn't give me a card or a present and it was my 40th birthday. She didn't even got ot the beach with us - did she? Who cares. I care - I think that much is clear - I care very much but not in the right way about the right things. I just really want to drink or do something. I want some relief, some warmth - something that feels like love. I think I realized how my siblings don't actually respect me. Or anyone for that matter. Not my favorite sister - she is amazing - for real. But I feel like she is gone - faded away - doesn't want or know how to deal with me. Or she is living her own life, dealing with her own things. I'm an awful, selfish person. Why does this feel like it is getting harder? I don't think I can keep this job - it's so awful and I'm getting really crazy from it. I have 5 more days of working there and then my friend comes back. Maybe she can take a day before then. I feel upset that I said I would do this. It hasn't worked out at all. I don't know I need to stop writing. Bye BLueb.

Part of me thinks this is so hard because I'm getting to

another level of healing. It hurts so I'm healing. I really don't know if I can go do that show tonight - I really don't. I need a meeting and I also need to rest. I just want to go home. Larni is going to be there and I know that I won't be comfortable in front of him. He didn't appreciate my work until he saw other people loving me. My younger sister didn't give me a card - even - for my 40th fucking birthday. My crazy sister managed to give me something. My next older sister was so nice to me - why am I focusing on what wasn't nice? I just have nothing to give and I feel like I'm walking into a trap doing this show tonight. I really do. I won't get home till so late. Who cares - no one respects me anyway. Larni doesn't give a shit about me - he's in total denial about himself. Or he is pain and just can't deal with it. Well today is busy at least. I'm so lonely - so in HALT. I'm hunry, angry, lonely AND tired. I'm also constipated for DAYS and bloated and just - so unhappy. Okay I said all this. I need to go home right now. LOL!!! I so didn't mean that. I'm in pain. My arms hurt and the cirulation to my legs is getting cut off because I can't poop. A woman just had me try on a dress for her then asked me what size I am "A ten?" Yes - I'm a ten becasue I haven't pooped for 2 weeks you fucking cunt. Is this art? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Is this helping anyone? Why am I so lost. HOW much MORE work can I fucking DO?

I'm not sure what just happened but I went back and

looked again at what I shouldn't be looking at and I suddenly saw what I didn't see at first. I saw what I saw when I looked a that old boyfriend....the falseness and the - bullshit and the - acting. The - ugliness underneath. The - the part that I don't have any desire to be. I have to go. This is so hard right now that my forehead hurts.

Still not okay and now I'm going to be late for work.

I just went on FB and for some reason ended up at a place where I shouldn't be. I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm ot okay at all. I just - I can handle that I am an aloholic and that I hurt myslef and now drinking isn't an option. I can handle that I'm alone and Iwon't get to have children. I can't handle this sick feeling in my body all the time. I really am getting more suicidal as the days go on. How do people get to have what they want? I just don't have any love left in me. I should callmy therapist. I should do that. I just want to leave. My dreams are dead. I have no idea why I ma here and no one is ever going to love me - I can feel it. I just don't know where to go. This is a bad bad place to be in. It might get better. Maybe I will get my period finally and then all of a sudden I will be laughing and watching a good movie and everything will be okay. Maybe I will quit this job and - why? Why doens't it ever get better for me? What did I do? Why am I so bad? Why won't these thoughts stop? Why am I so haunted? Why doesn't any of the work I do help? Why aren't I special? Fuck - Ireally just wnat o smash my head into the wall. I wrote face and then changed it to head. I don't want to hurt my face. See there you go. SLightly amused by that - on my way up. IT's probably so selfish that I write all this right? No one is reading it so it doesn't matter.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I'm not okay and I'm never going to be.

I'm not feeling okay. I can't ppop and I'm so uncomfortable and I feel crazy like that awful day in Ct. I can't believe I have to go to that stupid job tomorrow and I feel alone. I just - I don't know - I'mnot okay. I don't feel loved. I tried so hard today. I went to that rehearsal and I got a really cheap and fantastic mani/pedi on the Lower East Side. I even had a taco and a coke. I went to a meeting but I felt like I was going to explode it was so hot. I just - I'm not okay. I tried to leave early and someone told me to tsay so I called my sponsor but it really didn't help. I literally feel hung over, bloated and gross all the time lately. I feel just as badly as I did when I drank. I don't understand what is happening. My mother called me to say she's coming in to see my cousin's baby. Why don't I have a baby? Why don't I have someone inmy life. I just live a this house why I get locked out, I can't use the kitchen because they eat my food and it's all my fault. I brought this into my life - it's my patterns. I don't know what to do. I'm really at my breaking point. What does that even mean? I need relief. No one cares about me. Is that true? Why am I saying that? It's so many negative thoughts - I'm completely not okay but I look great. Am I going through cigarette withdrawal again? My skin looks so good but I look six months pregnant. Maybe I should just got to the store and get some ice cream. Why do I feel so ignored and unloved, neglected and fucking filled with rage? I hate this fucking boutique job. She concelled those days and she never pays me on time and it's hot as shit in there. I don't know - why wouldn't she have worked ANY of those days I've worked? I can't think straight. I need to go get some snacks. Soem nice, delicious, unhealthy snacks. That's all. I guess my body will poop when it wants to. Triphala AND chia seeds. My poor fucking legs have no circulation. How does this seem better than drinking? I'm not hung over - really and I do not smell and I do not need to borrow money from anyone. I am so not spriritually in shape. I had no idea these 3 weeks at the boutique would do this to me. I can't not go to meetings. How can I get to one tomorrow? I'm such a disaster. I'm going to take some Melatonin and go to bed. I am exhausted really. I was mean tot he landlord. I just couldn't have astupid conversation about it raining uptown but not downtown. He makes me so upset. All cuddled up with his boyfriend on the couch but I can't have guys over. Okay - go to bed. Go to bed and please let tomorrow be different. Let me please not drink. Le tme get out of this house. Help me grow up - I'm a child in my childhood of neglect and martrdom,hypocisy and rage. All of that is so exhausting. Over worked, under paid, anry and so lonely. I'm so lonely. I'm so fucking lonely. I don't want to drink - please I don't want to go back. It's going to pass and change. It will.

11:18 a.m. on July 24th.

I already prayed and meditated and it has occurred to me these last few days that I really am learning all new ways of being and it is going to take a lot of time. So I just have to take it easy. I just ate a Macadamia and Apricot Kind bar and it was fucking delicious. I love them so much. The only thing is they have coconut in them and it hurts my body sometimes. I have a sensitivity towards it. I have to buy them without it next time. I have the day off and I'm going to rehearsal for this live band karaoke thing for tomorrow night. It's really far away and I am already running late except that - well I don't totally care. I want to take care of myself first. It's still hot out but not quite as insane. Work was okay last night - not great but I got to work 2 shows anyway. It was really hot but the yoga and meditation I did before I left really helped. I'm drinking coffee and I think I will make another cup. I have work tomorrow and the other days until Saturday. I'm really - well I was going to say tempted but that's not the right word. I need to not work until 7. 6 is perfect but then I have to wake up at 7 and waking up at 8 works really great for me. Okay I will figure this out later. Well I should get ready to go. I am happy to get out of the house today and not be here for this shower. I can really only handle so many baby sowers for other people. What? No - that's not true - I'm just tired and I need to get out of the house and she and I really aren't friends. Jeez. She could care less!! Okay I heard a woman speak yesterday who said she has to start her day over again and OFTEN. Sometimes several times a days she starts her day over. I like that so much. It was so crazy - I could see the person in her that she would be if she wasn't working a good program. I could see the scar of the angry, bitter person. She isn't now though. She is soft, loving and honest. Tall Not So Dark And Creepy is up here and he is listening as I type - I can feel it. He is shaking out some rugs in a really angry, aggressive way. Now he has slammed the dryer door. Being spiritually fit about him is something that is very challenging. Very. I'm not sure how to do that but I do know that if I leave here right now I don't have to spend any time with him today. Okay. How do I have acceptance? Well I can practice acceptance. See he just did something by my door and it feels very angry but if I asked him he would say he's not. Maybe - or he would say he is angry about something else - other than what he is upset about. It's okay. Accept. Accept. My childhood - do as I say - accept. Hard work to do today Bluebie - accept. Thank you for being here!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! Ah he tuened off the air I think. Well I'm turning it back on.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

At home still because of the heat

I guess the comedy club is slow. I took a 2 hour long nap and had the sense to call before I made my way towards the club. I have to be there at 9:30 so now I have time to meditate. I went a meeting and it was fabulous except that it was so hot I had to leave a little early. My dog was so happy to see me home again and I'm so happy to spend some time with her. I just realized that I am doing the one thing I always really, REALLY wanted to do. I did always want to act and sing, dance, play instruments and write. But I knew that in order for me to live a happy life in anyway - I would need to be sober. So here I am - sober. I just stuck my head out the window of my room and looked around. I looked down the alley to left where 2 boys were riding their bikes away and the buildings, cars and even couple of bags of garbage look so interesting. The sun is still warm but I can feel some relief coming. The major heat of the day is passing and now also I think the heat wave itself is passing. I felt so sick today walking around in the heat. It reminded me of when I would be so hung over and so high to try and help with the nausea of being hung over. I would feel like I was exploding in just 80 degrees - it was insane. Well so I didn't get to work a lot today but I did get to rest and I needed rest. She asked me to work Saturdays and now I am going to have to figure out whether or not I can do 3 doubles in a row. Right now after resting, doing some reading on Zen, hugging my dog, and going to a meeting - I feel sort of okay. I have to have time in my day to do these things. So - well - I guess I just have to figure out how to tell her I can't stay till 7. I don't know if I can get there at 10 is the thing!! Okay - now I'm going to get upset that I didn't work today the pre-show or even tonight or there. I have to stop writing - I'm sober. I am sober and I have time right now to pray, meditate and get to work to work a little bit. I am giving myself a real fighting chance by being sober. I just need to meditate right now and this rage will subside. Acceptance. Namaste Blueb.

I'm shaking.

I ate and I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm so tired - I think I really need to leave soon. Okay - so far 3 women have come in. What should I do? I feel sick. How can I have cramps this badly and no period? Okay this isn't what I wanted to wrrite about. i need to free my creativity. I need to let loose the colors inside of me - I really do. Ginny Guffner style. Okay - I will stay till 12:30 and then I will have been here for 2 hours. Colors be free!!! I had a Crayola Caddy when I was growing up and it was one of my most favorite things ever. I love art and colors. Colors. Ugh - I'm going to barf.

Saturday and it's 100 degrees again.

She called to tell me to close again today but I told her I couldn't work a the comedy club for the pre-show and I also was already ready and on my way so I just came and opened. So far no action and to be honest I wish she called me even a half hour earlier. But I ordered some food - I'm starving and I am writing on here. I will stay open for a couple of hours and then close I guess. I need a meeting really badly but first I need food. I can drop my clothes off at work and go home and take a nap. I guess maybe I can take the bus back across? Ugh this is where it gets annoying because there are no local trains on the weekend. I knew I should have told my other manager that I could do the pre-show. This is so annoying. Now I am not making nearly as much money from these 3 weeks of working a lot here. Okay - it's all going to work out. I'm tired and it's super hot in here right now. There is never any guarantee that the pre-show is good anyway. It's okay. I still have terrible pms and she did call when I was still a the house I could have stayed there. I paid for visine and they didn't put it in the bag. My room is so clean. I have to go - feel like I'm going to barf. Bye Blueb.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Positive list...

or just a positive paragraph. I am much more comfortable now than yesterday. I have a heating pad that is beautiful and can use it for my belly. I just had a delicious Kind bar and I have other healthy food here. I paid my bills and for now all my bills are paid and I sent my best friend more of the money I owe her. 2 more months and she will be paid back. I can get my nieces and nephews some presents from Christmas and their birthdays that I always miss. It is quiet right now here and that is so heavenly it makes me want to cry. Or just be happy that it's quiet. I have coffee and lots of it because I finally realized to buy it from Dunkin Donuts, where it's cheaper and I get one for free (the ground up coffee beans). I made an appointment to do my taxes - okay I sent him an email - I'm sure he will get back to me. I have this computer which I love and appreciate so much. Right now I can breathe and eat well today and rest. Okay - there's my paragraph. I love you Bluebie - thank you for being here.

!00 degrees and

so far I am okay because I am indoors and I left the air on all night long. Part of why it's so hard at that store is all the heat gets trapped in there - I can't take it. Plus my arm really hurts. I did something to my shoulder but now from the way I hold the mouse and where it is - it hurts. That's all - I was very hot and in a lot of pain yesterday. I went to the comedy club and it was so fucking busy and hot and my pants were too tight and I was MISERABLE. It was awful. I was such a dick. Thank GOD I am not at the boutique today - by the end of the day there I had nothing left - it was awful. Well I finally got paid today from her. That's good - so I can pay my bills and take better care of myself. It's so hot out I'm not sure what to do with my day. Well if it's busy again at the comedy club I have to work. Maybe I won't have to - I have to be at the boutique at 10 in the morning. It's so crazy - I'm not sure that I am making more monay. I am so PMS right now - soooo bad. I'm totally so uncomfortable. I need to pray and meditate, do laundry and maybe a manicure. I at best need to give myself a manicure. I would also love that back massage I originally wanted before I got that full body bask side sex massage. Just a simple shoulder massage. Why do I create these same patterns of unhappiness in myself? What is it I'm supposed to learn? There is some spiritual lesson I am supposed to integrate into my life an I don't know what it is. I'm not saying it right. But that's why I am here right now - feeling trapped, desperate, like no one loves me, lonely, no love - afraid of life, no babies, no dreams - can't have what I want, physically constipated - emotionally constipated. Miserable. So unhappy, trapped and deprived. I just feel poor and awful. It's so crazy. I really need a meeting and right now I should probably just pray and meditate. I also have to turn the air back on - it's already so hot after just 10 minutes. Okay - here we go - I will feel better soon. Maybe. Bye Blueb.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Here at the boutique

in the middle of a heat wave in NYC. The temp is somewhere around 95 but on the weather thing it says "feels like 107." How crazy is that? It's fucking hot. My cousin had her baby - a girl!! I was so convinced it was a boy. I am so happy for them but am also so sad that I am not in a relationship and I am not having a baby. This weekend there is a baby shower at the house for the drug dealer who I went to for yeaaars. He has managed to get married and have a baby. What the fuck? I got them a couple of cute things from Whole Foods - I love their baby clothes. I got them stuff and then on my way home I got so mad that I was getting them anything since his wife is usually a cunt to me and I practically paid for his apartment with all the weed I bought from him. But - well - I don't know. I didn't think of all that until after I already left the store. Ugh. SO here I am at this boutique where I have no money because she apparently didn't actually put my money through and my student loan money came out of my account. So I had to scramble and get to the bank and put money in so my sister's check wouldn't bounce. I was going to take tonight off of work and good thing I didn't because I don't have any money now. What are some positives? I got my dog's food. She was happy last night. I cleaned my room a bit last night and I was able to get a good night's sleep. I got a good long walk in yesterday. I have tomorrow off from hopefully both jobs - that will be fantastic. I have a job to go to tonight where I will be able to make money. I am being open to going back to school. Why is this happening? Why am I not meeting anyone? Why doesn't God want me to be in love? Why don't I have a life or my own apartment? I have been in this same rat race of misery since I was 16. It just doesn't feel good today - that's all. And I really hate not having any money. At some point I really have to ask her to explain to me her payment process. Oh I'm just victimy, have PMS, and I need a night/day off. Also I - what? I have no idea. I might need to order a cake. I have enough food - I am okay. I really am ok. Why did I say today that it was okay working this much when she asked me? I knew then that she hadn't paid me yet - why didn't I say something? Why can't a nice, normal, healthy, loving, sexy, sweet, wealthy, single, available guy come into my life? And love me? For fuuuck's sake. I am so tired and annoyed. Bye.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Here at the boutique...

and it's hot but I found a fan (that she told me about) in the basement and so it's not too bad in here. I have the doors open (which she also told me about) and so there is a flow of air. I had a salad and so I took a poop - you're welcome. I can never eat white flour again - it just binds me up. And makes me SWELL. Seriously so why does it have to be sooo fucking delicious? What is more delicious than pasta or bread or bread and pasta together? Maybe bread, pasta, cheese and a side of ice cream. With a coke. Anywho. So I am here and it's an okay day and she's going to give me a day off and I am in love with Anais Nin. Holy cow - what a lady. I have been looking at schools to maybe get my Master's. Maybe I should look at writing programs. Now THAT sounds awesome. I would love to do something where I am helping or working with kids but as I look at these programs I get sort of lack luster. I suppose I should look at these writing programs and see how THOSE make me feel. Huh?? I just don't have the umff back - really back for performing and maybe I just never will. I have to accept that. I suppose I could get my Master's in Theater? Barf. Let's look at writing - I will let you know how that goes. Bye Bluebie.

Oh boy....

I had ANOTHER fucking drunk dream last night. A sneaky one. I was at a wedding and I was going to drink and looked around for someone else who would be drinking and lying about it. The crazy part is that I didn't want to. I don't remember if I did in the dream but I know I thought it was wrong to drink and lie about it but also to even do it. I bought my dog's food last night and then forgot to go pick it up. I feel so terrible. I was so proud of myself that I was able to do that. Fuck. I am so tired. She wants to close the store one of these hot days. Friday is supposed to be a 100 and on Saturday it's supposed to be 95 and raining. I woke up in sweat and I put on the air. Good for me. I deserve to be comfortable. I didn't use the air all night - just for a couple of hours and it still didn't totally cool down inhere. She gave me a bonus yesterday!! How amazing is that? So totally great.I have to get ready. I have been taking the train and the bus everyday so I'm really saving money now. I also have figured out how to get cheaper food in the neighborhood where the boutique is. I saw Larni last night. I get so pulled off myself when I am with him. I just totally forgot about picking up the dog food. And I was IN that neighborhood. I should have written it on my hand. Why aren't I pooping? I'm so fucked up from those cigarettes. Oh well it will get better when it's ready to get better. I have to go. It's going to be okay - it's going to be okay. I wanted to encourage Larni because he needs to go to his own program. It's great that I did that - I just wish I also picked up her food. Bye Bluebie. Love you.

Monday, July 18, 2011

It's hot as balls.

I already wrote a whole post but it got deleted in the heat. Holy shit it's hooot. I'm at the boutique where the ConEd girl has never come back. I asked the boy to stop smoking outside my window. Calmly and nicely. Miracle. I did a show last night - some comedy and my one good song. It was fun although there was literally no audience - just the people doing the show. Strange to say the least. The musical act that was going on when I left was doing a cover of "I blessed the rains down in Africa" or whatever the name of that song is. I don't think they were trying to be funny and I'm not sure why it is but it seems hilarious to me. I think that maybe it is actually cooling down in here because the sun is finally leaving the window. I'm very proud of myself for finally asking him to stop smoking out back - I realized how much it affecting me after they had been gone for awhile. I believe I was actually going through withdrawals from him NOT smoking outside my window. I realized how different I felt these last couple of days. Fucking GROSS. I mean that I was smoking and not even smoking is so gross. I am sio upset that I didn't know this in Ct. I was such a dick that one day. Okay I am going to really try to keep asking for what I need and want. That is what Her Lady WOnder always says to do. I can not wait to get out of here. I will write more later tonight. I'm so addicted to watching those shows about addiction. It's SO crazy how people are - and sometimes they don't stop. It's so sad. I have to Bluebie. I changed your nick name.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

The bracelet never showed back

up nor did the ConEd girl and the owner was really nice about it. She said to use it as a learning experience. There was a woman the day before yesterday trying lots of cuffs on but I'm next to positive that when I left there was 2. I took last night off from the comedy club and I went to a meeting. I'm starting to see people from he neighborhood at different meetings and it was a good meeting. I remember she was sober when I was still at the other comedy club I worked at. Now she has 15 1/2 years. I am so exhausted and now I am running late. I think I don't have time to wash my hair. I don't like working this much it's hard on me. Or whatever - it's hard on me right now. I was able to go for a walk and do some laundry last night. I just feel sad and lonely and like I'm missing all the fun somehow. I know that's not true. I will be able to save some money from working this much AND what? I have the time? I really have to go. Bye Bluebie - maybe I can write more later. I love you and I miss you too.

Friday, July 15, 2011


I'm so confused as to how I am signed in on this without having signed in. Let's see I must have signed in and NOT signed out!! I'm serioulsy gifted in the detective department. Okaaaay so I am here at the boutique and it's a beautiful day outside - nice and sunny and not too hot. It's also not humid which is amazing because I swell like a pig in the humidity. OH MY GOD SOMEONE STOLE SOMETHING. Fuck - of course. One of these leather cuffs - fuck. I think it was the ConEd girl. How can I know? I called the owner and she is going to FREAK OUT. Jesus Christ. I can't take this - it's so stressful. I feel so exhausted and. People who steal are evil. This makes me sick. Okay - well let's hope she doesn't totally make me cry hysterically OR pay for it. I am NOT paying to that bracelet. The girl has still not come back to check the meter - I really think it was her. What the heck? She must have a problem. I need to lay down but I can't. Bye Blueberry.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The times they are a changing.

Hello Bluebie and welcome to Wednesday. My horoscope just said that my mischief could lead me to being something great. Or lead me to a great place. I really can't focus on that because I already bend rules and do things I shouldn't - I do not need more permission to do things I shouldn't be. It's 7:04 a.m. and I can hear the garbage trucks out in the alley. I can't sleep and I really need to wash my hair so I finally just got up. That doesn't make any sense. I am so uncomfortable when my hair is dirty and so I knew I wasn't going to sleep anymore because my head kept being itchy so I woke up. I had another full day yesterday - 2 meetings (I ran one) and therapy. Guess what I did on Sunday night??? I got a massage!!! I really just wanted a top of my back massage - like the ones where you put your face in the hole of the backward chair....but this one was a take off my dress and bra full body massage. Holy fucking cow I almost exploded on the table it felt so good. I'm pretty sure I can never go back to this place because it was soooo sexual and I'm pretty sure he put his penis on my arm at one point which I was NOT into although after a half hour when he asked if I wanted more (massage!!) - I said "15 more minutes please." I had no idea how awesome I would feel afterwards - holy fucknuts. Well even a year ago I wouldn't have been able to stand that - it would have made me so uncomfortable to even do something so nice for myself but also the touching - especially his penis arm maneuver (maybe it was his hip?). Run-on sentence. I have now been able to do and enjoy a manicure/pedicure, facial and a massage. Amazing!!!! Then yesterday I had sort of a break through in therapy where I realized that I no longer wish to be around people who make me uncomfortable even though I am attracted to them. What? I mean - why do I want to try to have relationships with people who I feel uncomfortable around? Also I no longer feel I need to suffer for my past - at all. I suppose in a huge way I think if I am attracted to someone and they make me feel like I am going to have instant diarrhea then I try to really manipulate and have a relationship with them. HA!! Okay I have no idea the right way to be nor do I have any idea what the correct "This is a possible mate" signals are but I do know I am bored of that way and I am over it. Ooooover it. Yeesh. I just looked up my ex-husband who works at the soon to be closed Mars Bar downtown. There is something I am also almost bored of doing. He has lost weight and apparently just got out of jail. He has a full bushy beard and looks awful. Holy cow. He also is totally part of the performance life that I used to be part of. It all makes me sick. I would like to make peace with all of that. It's so sad that life but I do get it. Do I miss it? No I don't think I do. I miss performing but I don't miss that life. It just doesn't suit me. It's sooo punk rock and soooo hard - I can't handle it. It's soooo dark. I need to not look at him anymore. Holy shit. He still has my name on his arm crossed out. So fucking annoying. I have to meditate and pray - I feel like I just ate at McDonald's and then rubbed it on myself. I also kind of feel like I drank. My negative thinking and looking at people who I know are going to make me upset is addictive. It's time to get away from it. Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I'm still a liar sometimes.

Ugh I shouldn't beat myself up but I am. What the fuck? I am so fucking tired after just being here for 4 hours and I am NOT lying about that. Holy fuck. I suppose admitting it is half the battle. Part of the battle? It's hot in here. I don't want to lie but I do. Little things - stretch a story, blah, blah. Whatever I need to focus on looking out the window - bye.

Happy Monday Bluebie!

I'm awake and I got a good night's sleep and had an amazing, beautiful, fun, sunshiney day with my dear friend yesterday. We got Indian food (Suuuuuper yummy), got facials (Which included half my body - so crazy) and then we got coffee and went to a meeting. Oh and we went grocery shopping together at Whole Foods and she drove me home!! It was fantastic - so so so so sooooo wonderful. Such a blessing. I came home and watched The Sorcerer's Apprentice which by the way is NOT a Harry Potter book nor is it good. I did my nails and toes, took care of the dog and put orange highlights in my hair. Ummmm - they were supposed to be blonde. Whoops. Hopefully they will get kind of fixed in the sun. I have to work at the boutique today, then I have tomorrow off and then I am basically working for 3 weeks straight. I was going to take some days off from the comedy club but to be honest I think I won't need to - it's been so slow and I really need the money. So this is a good opportunity for me to start really saving. Ineed more Chia seeds. I eat them. Hmmmm - well okay I have to get ready and pray and meditate before I go. Oh I also need coffee. Bye Blueberry - I love you!!!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Holy fucknuts.

These fucking people staying here are so fucking loud it's insane. Plus one of them obviously plays the piano - fuuuuck. I had the worst drunk dream last night - oh my lord. I woke up from it just now - it really scared me. I was at some fancy concert - like an opera - all dressed up with these crazy high heels on - the were gorgeous but insane - I could barely walk in them.....I got a hair cut and somewhere in there - because I was so stressed out - I drank champagne. A lot of champagne. I was running around all stupid at my haircut - hitting on the stylist and also some other guy who had a girlfriend. Then I suddenly worked there or someplace like the boutique and my friend got mad at me at the opera because she said my attitude sucked. As I was paying for my haircut I was like "I'm crazy!!!" But the guy who was charging me didn't think it was funny. Then I left and I was alone trying to walk around in my heels and I wanted to drink more only I realized it wasn't fun - ever - and I was sort of drunk and starting to get hung over feeling. I HATE that feeling. I really thought I drank - it was so awful. I was saying to myself "See - you let your program get lacks and now you drank and it was awful and that's what happens." I'm not writing this well - I'm so freaked out. What is the good part? I DID NOT DRINK OR DO DRUGS!! I am awake and I am going to go get a birthday facial with one of my dearest, favorite friends. I fed the dog and I will walk her and I have a job to go to tomorrow where there will be no alcohol present. I will go to a meeting tonight and in fact - maybe 2. I can go to one tomorrow night and also - everyday or night. I'm shaking. It was just so gross - how my drinking was at the end - gross feeling and never fun. Just awful. And if it was ever fun I usually woke up and found out it actually wasn't fun. Okay - wow - more positive, more positive. I bought myself a cute dress and a pretty top yesterday. I also had a super healthy dinner and I walked, talked to my sponsor and went to a meeting. That lady actually just said "Shhhh." They have been yelling to each other all morning AND playing the piano - now she says shhhh. Christ - I need breakfast and to laugh please.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Rough start to the day already.....

I got a decent amount of sleep and I was so exhausted when I got home from work that I just went right to sleep. I was woken up by the guests who are staying here at leasst 50 times - they are very loud guests. I had the fucking craziest dream about the landlord and it was so real. I dreamed he came in my room and sat on my bed and wanted something from me and wouldn't leave me alone. I think - no I know - I was smoking pot and he wanted my pot. I am tired today. It was the 3rd drinking/drug dream I have had this week. That isn't good. Last night was slow at work and I - okay - I need to pray and meditate and call Her Lady Wonder. I am only working tonight as someone else is at the boutique today and I think I might just go see if I can buy myself a dress somewhere. Tomorrow my girlfriend is bringing me to get a facial for my birthday and I have tomorrow night off. So that should all help to get me back in place. I sent the landlord a message about leaving the keys in my door and the window open. I also just turned down the music that Cretona was blaring for I'm not sure what reason. I probably should have slept till 2 but that wasn't going to happen. He said sorry about the music and I know he wasn't trying to be a jerk - I just really had to turn it down - and now it is nice and quiet because I guess he turned it off and went back to bed. I'm praying that I move out of here very soon and that until then I can take care of myself and stay sober. I will be okay for today - I can feel that and I have the time and energy to do what I need to do to take care of myself. I also need some exercise - jeez. I did a bunch of research yesterday and I think all the soda I drank while in Ct. reaaaaly hurts me in more ways than I realize. It just leeches calcium from my bones but also affects my woman parts. Okay - sounds crazy but if it helps me to not drink it then it's fine with me. Bye Bluebie :):)

Friday, July 8, 2011


I am back in the city and I am at the boutique and it is so boring I could scream!! I had an amazing week and I am so okay about being 40 now. I went to the beach, snuggled with dogs and people and had an amazing time. I just looked up an old boyfriend (a different one) and do you know what? I AM OVER IT!!!. It's so fucking boring. I am so fucking bored of looking at other people live their lives and feeling like I ruined something. Totally boring - just like drinking was - I'm OVER it. I feel lke I can breathe again. I'm all over the place. Sort of. Why isn't anyone coming in here? I sold 2 things so far - NOT MY BEST DAY!!! I'm not even crying so I have no idea what the turn off is. It's Friday and everyone is at the beach maybe. I got home yesterday from being in Ct. and the creepy landlord had actually left my door unlocked with the keys IN the door still. He also left a window WIDE open. Cretona was like - ugh - well now you know - he was in there!! He said he went up earlier in the week and the door was wide open. Well I don't know - I really want to post something on his facebook wall. You know what - that is boring also. I am bored of being filled with rage about what a gross person he is. A woman just came in but she left without buying anything. Cretona and I had a great chat. Did I say this already? He is moving out because the landlord drives him nuts. HE LIVES THERE FOR FREEEEEEE!!!! Holy fucknuts. Time for a poem!!!

I have to pee.

Down the trap door I will go

Literally and literally.

I'm bored with my rage and still it lingers

But growing behind it is something new.

I hope it is dewy love and not from a duck.

I still have to pee.

Long story short on my life.

MY LIFE. P.S. The landlord is still a fucking creep. He probably jerks of on my bed.

Byeee blueberryyyyy.