Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The times they are a changing.
Hello Bluebie and welcome to Wednesday. My horoscope just said that my mischief could lead me to being something great. Or lead me to a great place. I really can't focus on that because I already bend rules and do things I shouldn't - I do not need more permission to do things I shouldn't be. It's 7:04 a.m. and I can hear the garbage trucks out in the alley. I can't sleep and I really need to wash my hair so I finally just got up. That doesn't make any sense. I am so uncomfortable when my hair is dirty and so I knew I wasn't going to sleep anymore because my head kept being itchy so I woke up. I had another full day yesterday - 2 meetings (I ran one) and therapy. Guess what I did on Sunday night??? I got a massage!!! I really just wanted a top of my back massage - like the ones where you put your face in the hole of the backward chair....but this one was a take off my dress and bra full body massage. Holy fucking cow I almost exploded on the table it felt so good. I'm pretty sure I can never go back to this place because it was soooo sexual and I'm pretty sure he put his penis on my arm at one point which I was NOT into although after a half hour when he asked if I wanted more (massage!!) - I said "15 more minutes please." I had no idea how awesome I would feel afterwards - holy fucknuts. Well even a year ago I wouldn't have been able to stand that - it would have made me so uncomfortable to even do something so nice for myself but also the touching - especially his penis arm maneuver (maybe it was his hip?). Run-on sentence. I have now been able to do and enjoy a manicure/pedicure, facial and a massage. Amazing!!!! Then yesterday I had sort of a break through in therapy where I realized that I no longer wish to be around people who make me uncomfortable even though I am attracted to them. What? I mean - why do I want to try to have relationships with people who I feel uncomfortable around? Also I no longer feel I need to suffer for my past - at all. I suppose in a huge way I think if I am attracted to someone and they make me feel like I am going to have instant diarrhea then I try to really manipulate and have a relationship with them. HA!! Okay I have no idea the right way to be nor do I have any idea what the correct "This is a possible mate" signals are but I do know I am bored of that way and I am over it. Ooooover it. Yeesh. I just looked up my ex-husband who works at the soon to be closed Mars Bar downtown. There is something I am also almost bored of doing. He has lost weight and apparently just got out of jail. He has a full bushy beard and looks awful. Holy cow. He also is totally part of the performance life that I used to be part of. It all makes me sick. I would like to make peace with all of that. It's so sad that life but I do get it. Do I miss it? No I don't think I do. I miss performing but I don't miss that life. It just doesn't suit me. It's sooo punk rock and soooo hard - I can't handle it. It's soooo dark. I need to not look at him anymore. Holy shit. He still has my name on his arm crossed out. So fucking annoying. I have to meditate and pray - I feel like I just ate at McDonald's and then rubbed it on myself. I also kind of feel like I drank. My negative thinking and looking at people who I know are going to make me upset is addictive. It's time to get away from it. Bye Bluebie - I love you.