Wednesday, July 27, 2011

This has been the hardest summer of my life.

Oh my God - unbelievable. I have felt exactly the way I felt when I was with that guy - how I asked for what I needed and then everything exploded. Only this time - by the grace of GOD - literally - I didn't drink and I managed to talk to someone and not do anything too rash. I told her I can't work till 7 and she wasn't happy about it but I have to take care of myself and I can NOT - and I WILL NOT go through what I just went through because I can't get to meetings or take care of myself. I had no idea how much work it was to take care of this alcoholism. It's like another person in my life almost. It's so crazy. It's so OBVIOUS though. I don't know why I am like this and I do know that if I don't take care of it - I'm in big BIG trouble. I was sick to mystomac after asking her for what I needed - put up boundaries. Well - okay - so I'm not used to asking for what I need and it's so not easy. Part of me really wants to make this more drama but I can't do that. I just need to accept that whatever happens is what happens and be grateful that I also have another job that I was smart enough not to change. I have no water and didn't get to take a shower. I also have no money on me - all the ATM's in Harlem weren't working. I had diarrea and was constipated in the middle of the night last night. I swear I pooped out a rock. How awful is that? I was a mess but - well - ugh - I guess now I know lots of things I need to do to take care of myself. This is so hard. It would have been harder if I drank. If I did anything. It's a mracle I didn't. Now I just need to work towards it not happening again that's all. There is a meditation meeting tonight that I am going to go to and I also brought my Big Book with me to read today. Tonight when I get home I will work on my ammends with my Mom. She was so nice to me yesterday when I said I was upset about her not watcing the video. She watched it and then said to always say soemthing when I'm upset. Now I'm crying - how ridiculous - I jsut put on make-up. The owner just called and said for me not to get nervous and that for now it's okay to leave at 6. A restaurant might open next door and if it does she wants to reassess but until then - okay. Here's the thing - I could maybe get to a meeting before work? How the fuck am I going to do that? I need some food. Bye Blueberries - right now you sound so delicious!!

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