Here at the boutique

in the middle of a heat wave in NYC. The temp is somewhere around 95 but on the weather thing it says "feels like 107." How crazy is that? It's fucking hot. My cousin had her baby - a girl!! I was so convinced it was a boy. I am so happy for them but am also so sad that I am not in a relationship and I am not having a baby. This weekend there is a baby shower at the house for the drug dealer who I went to for yeaaars. He has managed to get married and have a baby. What the fuck? I got them a couple of cute things from Whole Foods - I love their baby clothes. I got them stuff and then on my way home I got so mad that I was getting them anything since his wife is usually a cunt to me and I practically paid for his apartment with all the weed I bought from him. But - well - I don't know. I didn't think of all that until after I already left the store. Ugh. SO here I am at this boutique where I have no money because she apparently didn't actually put my money through and my student loan money came out of my account. So I had to scramble and get to the bank and put money in so my sister's check wouldn't bounce. I was going to take tonight off of work and good thing I didn't because I don't have any money now. What are some positives? I got my dog's food. She was happy last night. I cleaned my room a bit last night and I was able to get a good night's sleep. I got a good long walk in yesterday. I have tomorrow off from hopefully both jobs - that will be fantastic. I have a job to go to tonight where I will be able to make money. I am being open to going back to school. Why is this happening? Why am I not meeting anyone? Why doesn't God want me to be in love? Why don't I have a life or my own apartment? I have been in this same rat race of misery since I was 16. It just doesn't feel good today - that's all. And I really hate not having any money. At some point I really have to ask her to explain to me her payment process. Oh I'm just victimy, have PMS, and I need a night/day off. Also I - what? I have no idea. I might need to order a cake. I have enough food - I am okay. I really am ok. Why did I say today that it was okay working this much when she asked me? I knew then that she hadn't paid me yet - why didn't I say something? Why can't a nice, normal, healthy, loving, sexy, sweet, wealthy, single, available guy come into my life? And love me? For fuuuck's sake. I am so tired and annoyed. Bye.