Part of me thinks this is so hard because I'm getting to

another level of healing. It hurts so I'm healing. I really don't know if I can go do that show tonight - I really don't. I need a meeting and I also need to rest. I just want to go home. Larni is going to be there and I know that I won't be comfortable in front of him. He didn't appreciate my work until he saw other people loving me. My younger sister didn't give me a card - even - for my 40th fucking birthday. My crazy sister managed to give me something. My next older sister was so nice to me - why am I focusing on what wasn't nice? I just have nothing to give and I feel like I'm walking into a trap doing this show tonight. I really do. I won't get home till so late. Who cares - no one respects me anyway. Larni doesn't give a shit about me - he's in total denial about himself. Or he is pain and just can't deal with it. Well today is busy at least. I'm so lonely - so in HALT. I'm hunry, angry, lonely AND tired. I'm also constipated for DAYS and bloated and just - so unhappy. Okay I said all this. I need to go home right now. LOL!!! I so didn't mean that. I'm in pain. My arms hurt and the cirulation to my legs is getting cut off because I can't poop. A woman just had me try on a dress for her then asked me what size I am "A ten?" Yes - I'm a ten becasue I haven't pooped for 2 weeks you fucking cunt. Is this art? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Is this helping anyone? Why am I so lost. HOW much MORE work can I fucking DO?