Keeping The Channel Open

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others” 

That is a quote by Martha Graham.  My acting teacher has quoted it many times and right now at this point in my life it is speaking to me.  REALLY speaking to me.  Here is what is happening.  On many levels I am healing.  My past, my childhood and my body from cancer and cancer treatment.  I am lucky and blessed.  I have a lot of help and I need it.  I am realizing 2 things about myself that have been core truths that I have "chosen" loosely to live by - although I don't think it was completely conscious.

First what my Grandmother told me a couple years before she died.  She told me "Well no one ever told you you were good at anything - so - you're not."  BOOM.  Mic drop.  OUCH.  Well it's fucking true.  I am actually good at a lot of things but what I really want to do I never thought I was good at - or that it was an option to DO - full-time as a career or to help facilitate my life.  Which brings me to the second one...

Second....I have always thought I can't have what I want.  Period.  Again - core truth that isn't necessarily true or at least that is what I am finally figuring out.  When people ask what are your wildest dreams??  I DONT EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING.  I just don't think it's possible so why even think of it.  GROSS.  So there it is.  2 core truths that are not helpful or true. 

So I am sitting here in my office which I have finally decide to use as my office - instead of using the couch as my office.  I am in here writing.  I am going to keep my mother-fucking channel open by being just as fucking creative as I want to be until the jobs come where I can get paid and support myself and my family doing this.  I am in essence going to get the fuck out of my own way.  I can tell me now what I am good at.  I am good at this - creative expression.  I have passion, discipline and focus.  I am alive.  I lived now through 2 life threatening things and I have been taken care of.  So I am keeping my channel open. 

I have shows tonight.  I'm nervous.  The booker is going to be there and even though he continues to book me - I don't think he actually thinks I'm very funny - but what do I know.  That being said - I can still do the job.  I have so many fucking tools now.  I just need to do my work and whatever it is - it is.  Okay.  Well love you Bluebie - my God - what a life right?  Byeeeee.

Bonkers - The Musical!!!

Ugh - attitude right here right now.  Where have I BEEN.  I tried to run a half-marathon last week but got - well my leg hurt.  My leg has been hurting.  It's going to be fine it just needs to heal.  I am just so frustrated but I don't even know why.  I had off from the kids this week which is great but I am discombobulated.  I cooked yesterday and that felt good but now I am angry again.  I just have stuff I need to do and I am tired.  That's really what's happening is I am tired.  I am not the kind of tired I was when I was getting the chemo but I am sleepy.  I am feeling much better in general and even GOOD sometimes but the exercising REALLY helps.  So I am having trouble with that because of my knee.  I tried to go to a chiropractor.  I did go to a chiropractor.  He is also a holistic doctor and I have no idea what the fuck was going on but I am not going to be going back.  He took some scan of my spine and said I had all these problems in it and that's why my knee hurts?  He took an exray of my neck and said "See??  See all that damage you have?  And degeneration??"  And I was like "No??  It looks really good to me?"  Then I said "I don't understand why they didn't see this when I got a bone scan??"  He said "They didn't know what to look for."  THE PEOPLE WHO SCAN BONES DON'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR?  Okay then he adjusted me - you know cracked my neck and then my legs felt better.  SO WHAT THE FUCK?  Maybe my neck is fucked up?  I don't know I am not explaining this well but he also couldn't tell me if he took my health insurance - they had to "see what was wrong with me" and then check.  I was like MY KNEE HURTS THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.  That's why I am here!!  Only I also secretly wanted this guy to be like "SEE - SEE THIS??  THIS IS WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THRIVING IN LIFE AND WHY YOU GOT CANCER."  I mean I guess he sort of said that but it didn't make any sense and more than that it felt like bullshit.  He also cured himself of cancer somehow but it was incredibly unclear to me how he did that and he cried twice in front of me.  HE CRIED TWICE.  I did not know what to say.  I was like how the fuck is a doctor crying to me right now?  Um - okay.  Why am I so angry?  I guess because I wanted my fucking knee to feel better and for a day it did and now it hurts again and I didn't even really feel like that - fuck I don't even know what I am writing.  I guess this is a hormonal thing.  I will tell you what - exercising makes me feel so much better.  So I need to figure out a way to fucking do that.  It's fine.  ITS OKAY.  I guess I got caught up in this guys "business model" and I am embarrassed.  Yeah.  I'm just uncomfortable.  I'm uncomfortable and I want cute outfits.  I want a chef, a dog and a baby?  A baby???  A dog.  A cat?  I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.  I also haven't gotten onstage this week and that fucks with my head too.  Well I think this helped although it is probably super uncomfortable to read. Do you know what I just realized?  I can meditate again.  I CAN MEDITATE AGAIN.  Glorious.  Holy cow that just made me exhale.  I can do my hair, work on my office and meditate again.  Wonderful.  Love you Bluebie.

Well Everything Is Fine & Everything Has Changed.

The MRI was okay - there is a small "enhancement" that they have to keep an eye on - the same one that was there last time.  It's okay.  This is going to keep me going on the healthy food path.  The healthy everything path.  But after these last couple of weeks I am left with this....are you ready?

I FUCKING HAD CANCER. 

I not only had cancer but I had to go through 14 months of treatment and now my whole life has changed.  I'm suddenly in menopause and I have a mustache.

So.  So there you fucking go.  I am going to have to get tested for a long time and take really, really REALLY good care of myself.  Remember Radical Remission?  The book I read about the 9 things cancer patients did to heal themselves of cancer?  I looked at the list yesterday and one of them is INCREASE POSITIVE EMOTIONS.  Hahahahahaaa.  I stood there looking at the list for 2 minutes straight dumb-founded.  I was like "What the fuck is that?  I typed up the list and I still didn't remember that and God knows I certainly don't DO IT.  So.  So how about that??  HA.. INCREASE POSITIVE EMOTIONS OKAY.  I mean I try not to be completely upset all the time - I try to be serene and grateful but hole fuck increase positive emotions.  WOW.  SO okay.  Well anyway I got acupuncture yesterday and it helped.  I got back to going to a lot of meetings and today I also went to alanon.  It's a beautiful Spring day and we are going to a super cute place to celebrate my sponsors 26th anniversary!  I am going to enjoy my life.  But while I am doing that I am going to remember that I had cancer, and that my life has completely changed.  So this is part of who I am now and the chapter has not been closed.  It's not even a chapter - it's the fucking book man.  LOL.  I LOVE YOU BYE.

MRI

I have an MRI in the morning - of my breasts.  The ones they wanted to cut off because they are - a mess.  The ones I didn't and still don't - want to get rid of.  I'm fucking crying.  I am just upset.  I am worried and I think I just wasn't even thinking about this and instead let someone knock me off my peg, got a uti and now it feels like I have a yeast infection.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Okay so what do I do?  What do I really do?  I can't change anything - whatever is going on with my body is going on with my body.  My knee is killing me when I jog so I can't jog.  The guy said this is alcoholism trying to get at me and the build up of worry over this mri.  Okay it's just a lot of shit coming up for some reason too.  Okay okay let's get back to what I can do to make it through this day.  I can go get groceries and I can run a couple of errands before I go to the kids.  Then I can go to that meeting that's ina cabin in the woods.  I love that meeting.  I honestly don't think there's more cancer - but I think that - wait.  Wait a second.  I already had an mri after they finished the last horrible chemo.  That one was good.  Right.  I have so many tools and so much help I can turn to.  I don't have to do this alone and if I want to I can.  But I don't have to.  It's also just an incredibly unpleasant exam.  The needles, the blah blah, the sounds.  Okay but I can do it.  I can do it.  I have faith and love and I can do it.  I can be super scared and upset and do it.  I really can.  I guess I have learned how brave I can truly be.  This last couple of years of treatment and doing comedy has really shown me how brave I actually am.  Being brave when you have no idea how scary something is - is nothing compared to being brave when you are terrified and know EXACTLY how scary it is.  So okay. And hopefully one day I will get to the place that my snake doctor told me about where I ill have certainty that I am not sick anymore and I won't need to get the MRI to prove that.  So this is a tough day and that's okay.  It's sunny out.  I made the bed.  I prayed & meditated.  I made delicious, healthy food last night and just had a yummy breakfast that was also healthy.  MY guy was so kind to me just now on the phone.  I love.  I am loved.  Gross.  Haha.  It's okay - we are going to just take this one slow moment at a time today.  Breathe deep, go slow.  Love you Bluebie bye.