Monday, September 30, 2013

Beep beep hi.

I think we used to say something like that in high school.  Holy shit balls okay.  I fucking went to work today and I got there on time SOMEHOW - I paid my August rent - um - WHAT the fuck is that?  I still haven't talked to the management company because - why - oh I was working all day so I called and left a message as soon as I could.  I went to a meeting after work and came home, did some straightening up and hand washed a bunch of stuff and organized myself a bit.  The owner of the store is - and was PISSED that I was so late to the store that day - she talked to my friend about it.  Listen - she should be.  I like that she cares but holy shit I need to get my shit together.  So - yeah - I'm glad she cares and that she's not totally blowing off the store - ugh - but UGH - ick.  I guess she was concerned about me - which - well - hello - thank you!!  What?  I'm fucking exhausted.  I have work tomorrow, my big meeting and then class.  Oh I also have to mail out the contract for the part I got - whoa.  Okay - I can deal with all that tomorrow.  I need to go to sleep so I can make sure to wake up and get my ass to work EARLY.  Jesus.  I still need to make my lunch.  They feed us twice at this new job but I only eat once so I'm not farting all day.  I went to a meeting and this man was eating what I can only guess was cabbage soup and - ochre - is that some sort of horrible smelling food?  I don't know - two different things of REVOLTING smelling food and of course he raised (oh and he was SLURPING IT SO - INSANELY) his hand and he has 45 days sober.  He got up at one point and the guy sitting next to me and I were talking about how gross it was and then at the break - right before it I farted so unbelievable gross and that guy sitting next to me tried to chat me up and it was 100 PERCENT SO AWKWARD HA.  Oh - that poor guy!  What did he do to deserve those awful smells???  He did seem very confused also.  Maybe it was his beard.  His beard confused me.  Ohhhh - oh boy.  I love you Bluebie - only change if you want to.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

OKAY.

Alright - holy - fuck.  Well - you know what?  I'm just going to keep working these three fucking jobs and work it out.  I am going to keep doing all the creative stuff I can - I don't know.  I just worked 2 long ass doubles in a row - so desperate and tonight - HA - I made 55 dollars.  But you know what I fucking needed it and I took the subway home and - UGH - SO TIRED.  Now I can pay my rent for August - isn't that great?  Jesus - so stressed - so light headed.  Whoa - I need to at least get my 6 hours of sleep before another full work week starting at 7:30 a fucking M!!.  I have to goooooo.  What does this have to do with sobriety????  I don't know good night.

Friday, September 27, 2013

I think I got an almost eviction notice.

I mean - I know I did.  I have 3 days to pay August and Septembers rent or I need to turn over the apartment.  Ugh - well - okay.  The letter is dated 10 days ago - I wish I saw this 8 days ago and not - now.  Fuck.  Well - now what??  I have part of the rent - why am I such a fucking loser?  Seriously??  I just - I wanted to take pictures and get my career going and I get with that manager but now - I won't have anyplace to live so what's the point??  I'm so freaked out.  Oh my God.  I was so proud of myself that I went to a meeting after therapy - I didn't want to but I did it.  I could have gone to therapy and then gone to the comedy club and worked one show but - I didn't even think of that.  I just have to work tomorrow - oh - oh I'm so sad.  Oh - this isn't fun.  I'm - ugh - barf.  So barf.  I don't want to live with my parents again.  What did I think was going to happen???  The landlord would just never say anything???  I just tried so had to get my career back and now I'm fucked again.  This is why New York is so fucking hard.  Because the landlord expects his rent???  UGH - no - because it's expensive.  Ugh.  Okaaaay.  Well - fuck.  Okay - well - whatever.  I have to go - I'm so tired.  I do love you Bluebie - ugh.

Blech.

I was an hour late to the store and the owner had been here waiting for me and I just missed her.  Ohhhhh - not good.  So of course today I was a super worker and didn't make the five videos of myself that I wanted to do while I was here.  I was so much happier being productive here.  Why can't I work well but not from a place of FEAR.  Lord I was terrified.  Let's face it - she's still probably going to come in and I'm sure she's going to FREAK out on me.  I just couldn't get out of bed - I just couldn't.  Then I just couldn't quickly get ready.  Ugh - and now I'm in trouble.  Well the store looks great so that's good.  I feel scared - I'm so tired and I think maybe I'm crazy.  No for real.  Am I going to regret my life?  Where's the warmth?  God?  I don't know.  I have therapy at 7:00 and now I'm afraid she's going to come in here at 6:30 and yell at me.  I want to say that this is when I miss having drugs to some home to.  I want to say this is when I miss having a beer to go to.  I also want to say who gives a shit?  So I was a fucking hour late - it's not GOOD but I sell dresses and it's SO fucking slow right now - she literally ignores me for weeks before she even replies to an email or phone call.  I'm just so tired and so stressed out.  I can tell you for a fact that drugs and alcohol would not help with that at all.  I have to go.  Ugh bye Bluebie.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Worked, took the train home.

This is not going to stop blowing my mind.  I worked, then I worked another job, then I took the train home.  I really wanted to take a cab but it's SO MUCH MONEY.  No more cabs for me ever again.  Plus I can read on the subway - it's amazing!  Now I have work again tomorrow, therapy tomorrow night, work Saturday morning and Sunday morning and maybe Saturday night.  After all this - I might be able to pay my rent for August.  Then September and maybe October will only be a little late.  Awesome.  Great.  I have 3 jobs.  Great.  Well I tried to give up that Friday night shift tonight and I fucking pussied out.  Honestly though I'm going to have to take that back.  ugh - maybe not I don't know.  UGH.  Whatever - let's get back to how far I've grown that I don't take cabs anymore.  If I could now pay my rent on time like a grown-up that would be fantastic.  Fucking UGH.  Bye.

Rebuilding.

I was  amazed by the man last night who said there was so much devastation from his drinking and he couldn't repair what he devastated - he had to rebuild.  HOW AMAZING IS THAT??  Also - okay so I have been trying forever to get bak my old comedy career or whatever - that life.  Ew and it's not going to happen.  It's devastated.  So.  So there you fucking go.  WOW.  Jeez.  I guess I feel liberated but I also feel stupid but also - whatever.  I just have to accept all of it.  OKAY GREAT BYE.

I'm so stressed out.

I feel ridiculous saying that - I'm stressed out because I have a lot going on and that is such a blessing but still - I am.  Picking out these pictures feels so impossible and it's so hard to see myself older - and I would look so much better if I didn't have 3 jobs and - no money to get my hair done professionally or even - UGH - see - I'm such a fucking dick.  Wah - I can't get my hair done.  Okaaaay - so this isn't helping so I'm going to stop now.  Yes - yes I am - I am going to write in my journal.  Then I am going to read.  That's it - I'm tapping out for awhile.  I was late to work but I made my lunch and I got ready and as cute as I could.  So - okay - and I won't have 3 jobs for much longer.  I need 3 jobs right now so aren't I lucky?  I just miss my dog.  I miss my missing husband or boyfriend or whatever he is. I'm just a little depleted.  Okay.  So - so that's all.  I'm just a little raw - no booze or whatever to take the edge off so what can I do?  I can go into the dressing room and pray & meditate and I can write in my journal and I can even go for a walk.  I can breathe.  I just breathed.  Good.  That's good.  Love you Bluebie.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I have a manager.

Holy shit - I have a fucking manager - I signed paperwork - unbelievable.  I am - so - I don't know if I can do this.  She gave me so much stuff to do and so much advice and - I don't know.  How am I going to do this?  How am I going to do all this and work 2 - or even for right now - 3 jobs?  I'm not kidding - I feel totally freaked out.  How will I even be able to go on auditions when they want to send me out on something.  Oh holy fuck.  This is what I have wanted for YEARS and now - oh boy.  Well - well this is what I did.  I went to the new job and got my first paycheck which was just for training and then I went to a meeting.  A cute guy opened the door for me so I sat by him and then when I realized how squirrely he was - I just - I just was myself and let myself be there for the meeting.  So.  So that's that.  I came home, did laundry and made myself dinner, changed the sheets and put away my clothes.  I cleaned the bathroom floor and I did my dishes.  That's what I did because I can't think tonight how overwhelmed I am.  I just really can't.  So.  Soooooo.  So I am going to tell them tomorrow night at the comedy club that I can't work Fridays anymore.  I am THAT much of a pussy - I just can't totally leave yet - how UNREAL is that??  But okay - it will be a start.  Ha.  I worked through Chelsea tonight leaving that meeting and I met a guy with 2 dogs that needed to be adopted - they were sooooo fucking cute.  I had a piece of pizza so they loved me.  I didn't have on my glasses and I put salt all over my pizza instead of garlic powder so it was gross.  I gave it to a homeless man - who then proceeded to hit on me.  He was wasted and laying down - he completely misread me giving him a half eaten piece of pizza.  He was like "hey wait a minute - come back here - yeaaaahhhh."  Maybe he wasn't hitting on me - maybe he wanted me to take back my shitty half eaten piece of pizza.  Then I ran into another puppy - oh my GOD - this thing - he was so tiny and sooooooo cute.  Ugh - I just can't afford a dog right now and I don't want to do it to my dog.  No - noooo.  Ugh I miss her - she was so sweet and so loving.  Well - so.  So okay - wow - I - wow.  What a day!!  Double tomorrow and then work for the next 4 days.  Good thing I did that laundry!!!  Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Okaaaay.

Celebrated my anniversary last night at the big meeting - walked to the train with my sponsee - all wonderful and over with thank God.  SO many people there - holy shit - hundreds.  Okay now I have this meeting today with this manager I'm so nervous.  What do I have to offer - I don't know - drama - but not rightly placed?  That's not true.  Okay - whoa this is scary.  For realz.  Well okay - I'm awake I prayed & meditated and do I have time to walk in the park?  It's - okay - trying to gracefully leave this comedy club is next to impossible.  The owners wife is so difficult to deal with - so scattered and - I'm not writing about it.  Just not quitting there is going to be very hard.  I need to go in the park and get some fresh air.  Okay - ugh - I would probably get called off on Friday night anyway - what are my sections?  I have no idea - you switch it every week.  She's controlling and a mess - what a terrible combination.  Anyone who recommends you eat coleslaw from a jar with Doritos is crazy right?  Please - I was so that person.  Only I was eating God knows what while humping a radiator wasted out of my mind so - no judgment - however it's still not fun to deal with.  Bye Bluebie.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Brrrrr - it's chilly.

It's getting chilly out and it's so slow here at the store my blood isn't moving.  I have a meeting tomorrow with a manager - how am I going to do this?  I have the day off - thank GOD - I'm beyond exhausted.  I love the new job - it's fun - it's hard and intense but it's good - I love the people - you know - for now it's wonderful.  Still have the comedy club but - well - I don't know - ugh - I can't think straight.  Oh wow - I started to clean out my purse - so out of it.  Okay - well - I never want to go back there again but - I just was hoping to get a couple more shifts in but why?  I would so be hurting myself - I would have to do 3 doubles in a row this weekend - is it worth it?  To not quit there?  I think so.  I don't want to quit or be irresponsible but I am so tired - I also still haven't paid my rent for August - so.  So why don't I suck it the fuck up right?  Get myself back on track.  Okay - good talk Bluebie.  Gotta finish cleaning out my purse - my shit is everywhere here.  I miss my dog - I can't get over it bye. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Ugh - well they can't all be winners.

That filming was so hard today - ugh.  Isn't that terrible?  I just - I don't now - I didn't love it.  It was so awkward too - I felt uncomfortable and 2 of the actors were all about themselves - so funny.  No one ever said I did a good job.  Ugh.  Then - there was a woman there with so much plastic surgery - it was - I just kept asking her questions - I just didn't get it.  I get it.  Then everyone had a party afterwards and I just wanted to leave but I couldn't because we were in fucking Staten Island.  Her house is beautiful - she is WONDERFUL - she made us a beautiful dinner but - ugh.  I don't drink anymore, I don't smoke cigarettes and I couldn't go to a meeting because we got back too late.  I don't know - tomorrow is a new day.  I came home, ate ice cream, washed my shirt for tomorrow and took a bath.  I'm going to brush my teeth and go to - holy fuck - so someone just rang my door and I literally screamed.  I'm so stressed out and tired.  It was my downstairs neighbor saying "Too much water in the bath - too much water in the bath!!"  Seriously - I didn't know what the fuck he was saying and once I realized I said "I'm not taking a bath."  And he said - "Okay - tomorrow Super" - and started to walk away.  I went and looked in the tub and I think it is leaking from the faucets but it's - I don't know - I don't fucking get it - there's no water in the tub and it's fucking almost midnight - what if I was sleeping??  He scared the shit out of me - Jesus Christ.  As he was walking down the stairs he said "Sorry."  Ha - oh great - no problem.  I feel great now - knowing that you are so mad to come up her and yell at me even though you think I'm in the tub.  I have to go to sleep - I just am over this day.  Bye Bluebie - not over you.  I think I'm a little depressed - I'm going in the wrong direction somehow - this is all too hard somehow.  Maybe not - I don't know.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

So fucking hard.

I don't care - it is.  It  is so fucking hard trying to change.  I'm so grateful for this new job but I am fucking exhausted.  I'm home - I just made myself beans on toast.  That was amazing.  I have the day off tomorrow and I am going to film more of that web series - which I am also SO grateful for.  I went back to the Snake Doctor.  Things haven't been right with me and I need to up my self-care BIG time.  So I worked a long ass day and I worked hard, then I went right to a meeting and took the long train ride home.  I'm so lonely and I miss the dog so much.  I need a good night sleep and I'm home - so that can happen.  I'm going to take a bath right now, get myself ready for tomorrow and ready for the week.  I don't even know how to do this - I am so flustered.  I got a part in this movie and then they completely changed the schedule after I had already arranged my schedule.  AWESOME.  No problem.  Whatever - so much planning all the time.  Everyone is so sweet at this new job, they are nurturing and nice - even the guys - it's so bizarre.  I hope I am doing the right thing.  By what?  Getting a different job?  Staying sober?  I don't know - I just need to take care of myself right now - tonight - that's it.  The rest I can figure out tomorrow.  I love you Bluebie - thanks for being with me.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Am I crazy?

Worked today - long ass day at the new job 9-5:45 - then ran right to a meeting.  Walked to class and had class for 2 hours - holy fuck.  It was great - once again - I love it so much.  I think I have to stop asking myself if I'm crazy.  I'm not crazy - I'm tired and this will all even out.  So I'm going to keep working my ass off - that's it.  That's all there is to it.  I committed to getting sober and I keep my responsibility to that.  Now I am committing to this - and being responsible for it.  Ugh - this is a hard time.  I want a boyfriend - I want love.  I also want to feel good about myself - so why don't I focus on that.  Okay - good night - I have to be at the new job at 9:00 a.m. again.  Yowzas.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Whooooaaaa. Okay.

So I just looked at last year this time, then 2 years ago - then 3.  Whoa.  Really, really whoa.  Holy shit - I was so crazy.  Ha!  I'm still so crazy but I'm so much better - holy shit!  Well okay - I'm so uncomfortable after reading that - haha.  Crazy pants totally.  Well - well if this blog isn't proof of how amazing these programs are I don't know what is.  Holy shitballs.  So much of it is about that comedy club and now - very soon hopefully I won't have to work there anymore.  I'm so uncomfortable but very grateful.  Okay - so I'm going to go now and read a lot.  I love you Bluebie - you are my confidant!!  If I'm using that word correctly!!  Okay bye.

Deprivation.

Hi.  So I'm trying to learn how to not deprive myself of - life.  I think that depriving myself is a natural state for me.  I hold my pee until I'm about to pee on the floor- and sometimes I do.  I totally wait to eat until I'm FREAKING out - or I overeat which is AWFUL.  Okay - I'm not going to go on - Iwill say this - I want to grow.  I want to stay sober and I want to grow and I want to face the challenges in my life and if I am operating from a place of deprivation - I will not grow - that's it - that's all there is to it.  So I just went for a walk in the sunshine - it's a beautiful Fall day and I enjoyed a little walk.  I came back into the store and I feel so much better.  Last night I went and did that show and then even though I could have stayed and done another one - I left - still late but I left and went home, made some eggs and put myself to bed.  So I woke up feeling better - less exhausted than yesterday.  Then I took the night off from the comedy club tonight.  I have to be at that new job tomorrow at 9:00 A.fuckingM. and that is never going to happen if I go to bed at 2:00 which is the only thing that will happen if I work tonight.  The trains are running all crazy past 10:00 and I am not doing that to myself.  So this is a new part of my life.  Being nicer to myself by at least not completely depriving myself of sleep.  Oh lord - where is the money going to come from?  Where is the boyfriend going to come from?  I don't know - I really don't know.  Well - I am commiting.learning.doing and God is going to have to figure out everything else.  Just even thinking about not depriving myself makes my heart - what?  Uncomfortable.  It scares me.  Isn't that sad?  Oh fucking well - time to get it up for this challenge.  I love you my Bluebie Blueb.  Let's see where I was this time last year.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

So stressed out.

How the fuck do people do this?  Change their lives?  I don't know and honestly I don't know if I am bat shit crazy for still trying to do this acting thing.  Ugh my sister said commit.learn.do and I am still saying TRY.  I'm just so stressed out and I feel like I look gross and I have a show tonight and all I am doing is being crazy - I'm just not sitting here and writing and this job is SO easy - nothing is happening at ALL - I even left twice already to run errands.  Jesus.  Okay - I can do this.  I just need to focus, calm down and breathe.  I'm going to go to a meeting before the show and the show is no gig deal - not too crazy - just fun.  I had class last night and that was amazing.  Okay - I have homework to do and I am so grateful I have a job where I can do it.  I'm going to do that right now.  I just walked 5 blocks from here to save money on water.  But seriously that bodega never charges the same price - EVER - and they are so rude and it just FEELS shadey - so fuck them.  I just want to walk by holding up the water in the air from the other place - like "SEE!!  Proved you wrong didn't I???  All I had to do was walk 10 blocks out of my way and I save 2 dollars!!!  FUCK YOU BODEGA OF CONVINIENCE!"  Ugh - whatever.  Okay - I've got to get to my homework.  I feel a little lost.  Oh well - love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Just went to a meeting around the corner and got soooo creeped

out by this man - I know him from another meeting.  I wanted to leave early to do laundry and - ugh - SO GROSS - I needed to get by him to leave and he - I'm not kidding you - someone how ran his hand all the way down my back to my lower back - like stroking it - while also holding my other hand - what?  How fucking annoying is that?  Now I don't want to have to see him so I'm waiting to go do laundry.  WHAT?  Does that even make any sense?  I'm done training at that new job - I worked today - I have a new job.  AMEN!!  So great.  I got some pictures done yesterday and - what else?  I need to go do that laundry - it's my only chance.  Why would you even want to touch someone that doesn't want you too?  That is soooo fucking weird and gross to me.  Ew.  Ugh - anyway - other than that it was a GREAT meeting - he.  Bye Bluebs.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

OMG HI

Holy fucknuts - I am - stressed out.  Stressed out but taking care of myself.  This is what I was never able to do before - before being 12 years ago - when I wasn't even a total drunk yet and working hard in show business.  HA - or my version of show business.  Anyway - I was always tired - never eating well - blah, blah and blech - I don't even want to talk about it.  What I am doing now is trying to keep as much balance as I can and trying to keep my level of desperation down as well.  I mean - for example right now - I need to go for a walk, get some exercise and rejuvenate - right?  But there is something in me telling me to RUN - RUN and go do things so I can be famous!!!!  What?  And ew.  Am I even making any sense?  This new job is SO INTENSE - holy fucknuts - so intense.  My schedule is getting a little out of wack but I'm dealing with it.  For some reason I am also telling myself that it would be better to go shopping and get clothes for this shoot tomorrow rather than go in the park and take care of myself.  Um - what?  Do you know the most amazing part of this new job - besides all the clear eyeballs?  No one is smoking pot in the basement or doing drug deals out of it for that matter.  I mean - listen - it is what I LOVED about that comedy club - for sure - absolutely.  But now I'm sober and now I can't work at a place like that anymore.  I have the day off - I need a meeting and to get ready to work 6 days next week.  I hope this al balances out - I need to pay my rent and take care of my life - get my feet on the ground.  I had my acting class last night and it was AMAZING.  It was great - I worked really hard on my piece and now I feel even more like I have tools to work with.  It just takes so much WORK for me to be able to do decent work - so that is frustrating but knowledge is power right?  Also about this ne job there are tons of dancers there!!!  What - how cool is that???  One of them said to me "Why walk when you can dance?"  HA.  I'm doing teeny tiny things towards getting back into dance.  Goals.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBERS.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Working my ass off....

I worked at the store today and went and trained right away again at the new place - for 7 hours.  Holy shit - it's so much training - and now I have to go back in the morning.  I haven't made any money yet and I am - I am a little nervous to say the least.  I haven't paid my rent for August yet - still owe some money on my taxes - ugh.  None of this will have gotten better by me staying at that comedy club so I had to take a chance and get a new job.  This will all balance out right?  It's just so stressful - holy fuck.  I just want to be doing shows you know?  Instead I'm working at yet another waitressing job.  I have to go to sleep right this second - I am beyond tired.  It will be okay.  That's all there is to it!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

So tired.

I have a mud mask on my face so I can't put om my glasses.  It's 9/11 - I woke up and cried - remembered my life 12 years ago - thought of those lost - the pain in Syria that they have been going through for YEARS - not just one day and got myself to train at this new job.  Then I bought my friend dinner who got my the job and trained me today, went and got my checks from my old job, went to a meeting and came home.  Ugh - I am so tired.  Tomorrow I have a double - the boutique and training at the new job.  Whatever - I always do a double on Thursdays - it's okay.  I what - I am tired though - the show last night was fun - super fun - I just want to do more!!  Oh lord - so well - what else is there to say?  I'm working in a new direction and it will just take time that's all.  Just like getting sober - healing is progressive.  Okay I need to shower and sleep - love you Bluebie.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Stress, discovery and goals.

I went to 3 meetings on Sunday and I felt SO great finally at the end of the night.  Which is good because I wasn't able to get to a meeting last night because after the orientation and therapy, shopping for my new uniform I only had time to get to the open mike I went to.  Okay - I know this is lame and ridiculous but I have to say it - cute guy at the open mike and HILARIOUS - I mean fucking HILARIOUS - totally wacky, different and - just out there.  I love that shit you know?  So he's cute but once again - I right away felt awkward and sort of ran out of there.  I mean I was trying to act like I wasn't attracted to him but also I was so jealous of how great he was.  So here is one of my new goals - no comedians - that's it - no fucking comics or comedians or actors.  Fuck it - I am giving myself this year to work on my craft and WORK and I can't do it if I'm trying to not be myself so someone will like me.  I'm not kidding - that is completely what I do and I am sick of it and I am done.  I could have stayed there and talked to him like an artist and learned something - but no - I ran away and then when he walked by the bus stop I stared down like I didn't see him.  EW.  Fucking EW.  Do you know the craziest part??  I don't even really know if I was attracted to him.  I think my brain was attracted to him - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??  I don't have time for this shit - I have a new job, shows to do and class is starting.  I don't have time to manipulate a relationship out of someone - ha.  I really don't.  So here are my new goals - just work on my shit, give myself this year and DANCE.  I NEED TO DANCE.  All this being said I am a bit stressed out.  This new job is intense and for REAL - they are not fucking around and everyone has clear eyes - I didn't realize how much I never even look anyone in the eye at the comedy club.  Okay.  Ooookaaay.  Okay.  Um - okay.  I love Bluebie.  HA - like I Love Lucy only I Love Bluebie.  Sigh and bye.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Hi.

Just got back from a long walk in the park, made myself fresh guacamole with a veggie burger and salad.  I - what?  I feel blessed that's what - and that feels so uncomfortable to say but I do.  I got a decent night sleep - woke up, made coffee, prayed, meditated - worked with my alanon sponsor and went in the park.  It's a gorgeous day and I get to be awake and enjoy it.  I woke up to the craziest dream - or maybe not - I dreamed I was on this shoot and oh - it was confusing - lots of people and we were outside in like a field sort of setting - or grass - I don't know - outside.  We were about to shoot this big scene and everyone was holding hands and bonding and someone was saying a prayer and I was on the outside but I wanted to be on the inside and so I barged my way into the circle - and it was lots of circles of people - circles inside of circles - and I got close in to other "stars" of the shoot and grabbed their hands and started to pray with them and then this big breeze picked up and it felt so good and then it started to lift my dress up just a little, and then a ton - I felt my dress lift up right around me so you could see my underwear - ha.  I was trying to keep it down while holding hands and somewhere behind me this cute guy was laughing - not at me but with me.  Then I started coughing and woke up.  I was laughing in the dream also.  WELL THAT WAS INTERESTING TO ME BUT PROBABLY NO ONE ELSE!!!!  Haha.  Anyway - I'm going to orientation today for this new job.  Lord - I'm going to have to buy a uniform I just know it - last time it was super expensive.  Well - okay.  I love you my Bluebie Blueb - thank you for being your bloggy self.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

I did that show, went to that meeting.

I did what I had to do.  What I need to do to stay sober.  The meeting was a GLTB - I don't know how it's said with an emphasis on S & M and it was one of the nicest, warmest, kindest meetings I have ever been to.  Maybe I just had so much fun at the show that I didn't care but there was so much love in the room and the speaker was amazing.  He said the program doesn't just work for people who need or want it - it works for people who do the work.  Okay - I know I get it - he also said for people who keep growing.  Okay so - so what?  I am tired - I just ate the last of my soup, had hummus on toast and took my vitamins and drank a green drink.  Holy garlic - holy cow.  I had SO MUCH FUN hosting the show - boy I was rusty at first but I rose to the occasion I guess - I'm just - well it was fun and that's good and also - I showed up and I did it.  I'm meeting my alanon sponsor at a meeting tomorrow - I really need one of those meetings.  Then I'm going to a play and more meetings - hooray!  I need to do my dishes right now and get ready for bed.  I brought my lunch today and I keep walking everywhere, taking buses and the subway - and making my dinner at home.  This is what normal people do hello.  So clueless - I just have been so clueless - sort of - sooooort of.  What?  Okay bye - love you my Bluebie Blueb.

How am I supposed to have fun - anyone??

How does one do that?  I just had a thought that I'm going to go host this show and then what normal people do is go home to their lovers or families or both or go have drinks - hand out and have fun.  What am I going to do?  Go home and watch TV - by TV I mean Netflix and eat - cook and eat.  What's so bad about that?  Nothing - it's wonderful.  I just - I need to have some fun.  You know what is really fun??  SEX.  How do I do THAT in a healthy, grown-up, sober way???  I DON'T KNOW DO YOU????  Well - I'm going to have as much fun as I can hosting and take it from there - that's all.  Okay I love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Home, lonely, tired miss my dog.

How am I so tired?  I got 9 HOURS of sleep last night?  All I did today was go read with my new sponsor, go work at the store for 2 hours, go to a meeting and come home.  Plus a whole shitload of rescheduling craziness in between but whatever!  I came home and made myself dinner and I MISS MY DOG.  Ugh.  I got called off from the comedy club - which - well I don't know - I  may never work there again actually.  I'm not working tomorrow night and Thursday I will be at this new job and - well - weird.  So weird.  I just - I am exhausted.  I just sent off an audition on my new mini ipad.  I can't tell if it was good but it made me laugh.  I also LOVE that I could do that - holy fuck.  What am I doing?  I have to go to sleep - that's it.  I love you beyond Bluebie.  I'm having some blueberry green tea right now.  Everything is a little crazy right now - a bit up in the air but it will be okay - it will be okay.  I can't believe how lonely I am.  I went to this meeting to see a guy and he wasn't there.  I don't even know or like him -he just stares at me all the time so I decided to give  a go.  But he wasn't there - HA - I need to seriously just give up on this for now.  Really I do.  Just let the whole thing go - I mean honestly - I have PLENTY enough to worry about - holy fuck.  Bye love Blueb.

I got a new job.

Oh my lord - now I have to work 3 jobs till I get this worked out.  I am fucking exhausted already.  Okay though - well I swear I will not feel safe until I am working a that other job.  I mean they put me on the schedule - holy fuck nuts - I am getting a headache I need to calm down.  I just ate a decorative cookie.  I am the store for 2 hours and a designer sent a cookie with their booth number for one of the wholesale shows and I ate it because I was so hungry and I am in such a panic about money.  Seriously I can buy myself a sandwich I need to calm down.  Okaaaay - byeeeee - I loooove you Bluebie!!!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

What in the 100% fuck am I doing?

Seriously - what the fuck am I doing?  I just got back from working a double and I'm beyond tired.  I don't have a new job yet and the comedy club is crumbling - fast.  I'm ugh - what am I trying to say?  I have to write more if I want to be a comedian - that's it.  I have to rearrange my goals - my priorities.  I LOST my mind at work today and spent the whole day on facebook changing my profile picture over & over again - WHAT?  I just couldn't focus and I was so overstimulated.  I can write for hours when I am at the job - I just need to DO it.  I need focus and discipline.  Holy fuck - how am I going to do this in these next couple of weeks?  I am getting new pictures done and class starts and - ugh - really?  I haven't paid my rent for August this seems so retarded.  Am I being crazy?  I'm going to say the answer is yes.  Okay - I'm going to sleep on this.  I really am.  I have to be a grown-up.  Right?  I have to go to sleep - I will sleep on all of this and see what inspiration I get in the morning.  Good Blue I love you.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

I'm so stressed out.

Now someone else quit from the comedy club and I haven't heard yet from the place I went to yesterday about a new job.  Holy shit I'm getting really scared - the ship is for real sinking.  It's the creepy guy - the one who  - it doesn't matter - he's the LAST person I expected to ever quit - what?  I am so tired also - I just walked - I'm not kidding you - for an hour to try and find pots to put these plants from my parents house in and I found them ACROSS THE STREET.  I am so CRAZY.  It felt wrong and I just kept going - like every relationship I have ever had.  Oh maybe my boyfriend is right across the street!!  HAhahahaaaaa - sigh.  Bye.

New Day.

It's a new day - yesterday was fun but oh lord so long and I got home and I was fucking EXGAUSTED - I mean sooooo tired.  So I have the day off from the store today and I got a ton of sleep - I feel much better.  So today is a new day that's all - I have a ton to do and it's not hearly as hot and gross out so that's good.  I went to write on here because I had such an epiphany and now I can't remember what it is - Lord!!  Well my coffee is good and that's great.  What the heck?  Okay I will have to come back to this.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

FOUR FUCKING YEARS!!

I woke up today and I was like "OH my Gosh oh my gosh it's here!!!"  I was surprised by how excited I was - that must be what people are like on their wedding day - I mean when they marry someone that they really want to.  Anyway - whatever - I'm all aflutter but who cares - I'm excited!!  And isn't that nice - I'm excited and I'm not hung over, high and throwing up bile.  At least not yet but that chicken I just ate was weird.  Okay my Bluebie love - I LOVE YOU!!!!  Yay - if I wasn't sober you would have never been born - how blogging amazing is that??

Monday, September 2, 2013

He's just no that into you - or rather - me.

I'm reading that book - which is so embarrassing to read on the train but who gives a fuuuuck.  First of all I'm inspired because it's so fucking short - it wasn't cheap and it was a bestseller - so WOW on that.  Then also - DUH - he's not that into me.  That's what it has always been - ever since I broke up with my first boyfriend - dated that guy in college for years and then after that - it was just a disaster - they were either guys I wasn't into or they were just not into me and I settled - I totally settled.  And now it all makes so much sense with this last guy - he just wasn't that into me.  I just couldn't admit it to myself or maybe I just didn't know it.  It's like getting sober - I just couldn't hear all those other years how simple the solution was.  Now this last guy who I have liked and I haven't heard from??  WHO CARES??  He's not into me - LORD KNOWS WHY but WHO CARES?  He's NEVER going to treat me the way I want and deserve to be treated!  How much of a relief is that??  Seriously - it's so simple - it's so fucking simple.  So - so that's where I am - it's confusing why this guy seemed to like me but now doesn't but realizing honestly and truly that he's not has made it so much easier to move on.  And it also means that I don't have to wait around waiting to see if he's going to come around.  If he doesn't - fairly quickly - I know he's not into it - and I can move on.  GLORY!!!  Glory glory glory!!!  Isn't that so wonderful??  Okay my anniversary is in 35 minutes.  Holy shit.  I made myself dinner - carrot and ginger soup with chunks of garlic and tofu sautéed in garlic and 4 pepper BBQ sauce - YUM.  Then I had 2 different kinds of ice cream.  I hosted an open mike tonight and I went to a meeting and I bought a new clothes drying rack.  Isn't that fun?  Well it's fun to me.  I need to calm down - I am not calm.  Okaaaay - whoa.  I also cleaned the bathroom and watched Breaking Bad which is THE BEST SHOW EVER.  Holy fucknuts.  okay 30 minutes to go.  Good night my Bluebie - where was I this time last year let's look.

Monday.

It's Monday and it's Labor Day and I'm in my apartment with the windows open listening to the rain - it's nice.  It's warm and muggy but it's nice.  I just went and got some more grocery stuff and I finally am able to get my shit together for the week.  Today is the birthday of the woman who died last year from our disease - she was such a beautiful soul.  Sassy and hard but really such a loving person and hilarious.  And gorgeous - ugh I totally cried - it's so sad and painful what this does to people, families and - communities.  Gross.  I am definitely freaking out about tomorrow but fuck that - I am just going to keep going.  I got a haircut yesterday, mani/pedi (which was done by a gay Asian man who didn't feel gay - awkward), went to 2 meetings and spent time with my sponsee.  I also went to this church and cried and meditated for awhile.  I sat in front of this statue that reminds me of - I won't say but ugh I cried and I cried hard.  I forget how that painful thing was so affected by alcoholism.  I know I'm not making any sense but that one tragedy is too hard for me to write about and - I guess it just has to be that way.  I felt sort of punched by how upset I was - it's not something I think about everyday and holy shit - fuck the people I have lost and the world has lost from this disease.  If I only so one thing it's to grow in sobriety.  I think I might be being really fucking sentimental about this next anniversary.  My sponsor last year said that it's just another day and it is - it really is.  So let's calm down.  I woke up today, prayed & meditated, went in the park and - what else?  Went to the grocery store.  Ooookay - doesn't seem like much but it feels like a miracle.  To me.  I felt so gross yesterday after working Saturday night - ohhhh and I went to another place to see about a job - oh yes I did.  Okay - okay.  I need to go about this day and go host an open mike - come home and get to a meeting and clean and get ready for the week.  Byeee Bluebie I LOVE YOU.