Wow.

I can't believe i haven't written on here for so long! My poor baby blog.  This is so much harder than I thought it would be. Well so I'm working my ass off at this job and I'm still in my class which is going well. Hard and uncomfortable but I'm learning so much. My guy wants me to stop the class for the Summer - he wanted me to stop for June but I said no and then we got in a fight for 2 days. My solution of course was - oh well - I'm going to just live alone again and that's fine. Very much - go fuck yourself bye. Which of course is alcoholic and ridiculous. Anyway - things take time. Blending two lives together takes time. And let's face it - I don't clean, do dishes or laundry and that's annoying! So we have some stuff to iron out. I actually have the day off today - so I'm going to tberapy. Normally I would have class. I'm working on a 6 page monologue! Holy shit. Anyway. Well. I hope we can work it out - i do love my guy. I'm so sleepy! Okay bye. Miss you Bluebie!!

Sardines.

I just ate some sardines and some jasmine rice with  whole garlic cloves in it.  Something is wrong somewhere in or near my bladder so in case it's some sort of infection I have eaten 2 heads of garlic the last 2 days to try and ward it off.  Why the sardines?  Cheap and delicious - low calories and you can keep them on the shelf for like 95 years AND they are good for you.  Why am I writing about them?  Ego.  My ego wants you to know that I eat sardines.  My ego is telling me that if you know that I like - no LOVE to eat sardines - that you will think I'm super interesting.  You will think to yourself "WOW - she eats sardines?  Like an 80 year retired Navy officer??  That's SO quirky!!  Haha - that's SO interesting!  What other odd types of food does she like to eat that sets her so far apart from most people?"  That's what my ego says.  My ego is usually wrong.  I told my boyfriend I like to eat sardines and he said "Oh - are you embarrassed to tell me that I'm sorry."  He didn't realize I was BRAGGING.  UGH.  My ego is a dick.  Anyway I decided to go ahead and write about the sardines anyway - even after I realized that probably no one is going to be impressed by the fact that I like to eat sardines and entire heads of garlic.  I'm pretty sure that's what crazy people do but that being said - I did it for love and the sake of my bladder/I'm not sure what.  Ovaries?  I don't know - something hurts and you know what - 2 heads of garlic has to be better than antibiotics.  Riiiiiiight?  Good lord.  Okay LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE!

Saturday, Day 2446

Wow!  Wooooow.  Two thousand four hundred and forty six days sober.  Hmmm.  Crazy and wonderful.  I'm at home - the guy went back to Home Depot to return the groovy glass bowl we bought to put some plants in.  It doesn't have a drain hole so it won't work.  Why was it in the plant pot section?  I don't know.  Bye bye groovy glass bowl.  So I'm home today, spending time with the guy and doing some home stuff.  I spoke at a women's meeting this morning and I'm starting to love this little town.  And it is so little!  The population is like 25 people.  Okay like 5000 but still.  Tiny.  Anyway so I'm here and it's good and when he gets back we are going to have a big talk.  I'm not sure about what but I hope we will be okay through it.  What else?  I did decide I want to get a new sponsor - that's weird but I feel okay about it.  I feel nervous because I'm worried she will be mad but that's not what I should be focusing on - plus I don't think she will care really.  So what else?  I'm okay - my class is going really well - things changed which is great because things were not good there for a little while.  I'm almost feeling like I could stop for a bit and just try to work - but maybe that's crazy - maybe not.  I am - what - what else?  Um - I can't remember - oh yes - my comedy has seemed to dry up!  I'm not getting any shows and this week I didn't even call in my avails.  BUT - I suddenly feel like it's okay.  I mean - I just don't know how I can at this point - do it in a healthy way and work this job, take this class, have a relationship and stay sober.  So I guess for now I will be doing it about once a week.  Um - well - okay.  That seems so crazy to me but - also - what do I know?  I need sleep - that's what I know and I need to take care of my life and my relationship.  Maybe I moved here too soon and I should have waited until July but I didn't so well anyway - who knows - maybe I was never meant to do comedy like that - I don't know!  I can be a funny actress - I love that so much too and I feel like - well I feel like I am helpful in that way anyway.  Um - what?  WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?  You know.  I know.  I'm talking about life.  My teeny tiny sober life.  All the trees and flowers have bloomed here and there is fresh air and so much sunshine.  There are cute little birds shitting everywhere and I love listening to them.  The other morning I came out and there was a fat little bunny in the front garden!  I mean calling it a garden is -  extreme - but there are two little gardens in the front of the house and there was a bunny in it!  He hopped right out when he saw me.  So fucking cute.  Fat little brown bunny.  Okay I gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Shame - my trauma from another Mother

Lol - that just made me laugh writing that title.  Ugh - anyway - Im here at home - Im going into work later today so I have an extra few minutes.  My sponsor wasn't nice to me this weekend - actually it started on Friday and what it was - was I said no to doing something and she didn't like it.  It felt like she was trying to guilt and shame me into it - I told her that and I said I simply could not do it.  The next day - she said she thought I wasn't being open, honest and willing and thought I threw a lot of alanon stuff at her - and she basically explained to me why I was wrong for not letting her convince me to do what she wanted.  Well so here's what Im learning.  I have a part in this - I am responsible for myself in this relationship with her.  But I also have a choice and I chose to know I did the right thing for myself from a healthy place.  So now what?  I don't know.  It was a little bizarre to be honest.  she kept saying I had a script going - I don't know - she really just sounded super angry that I didn't do what she wanted and honestly it was really unattractive.  I couldn't call her yesterday and now I feel scared that I have to get a new sponsor and that I am left without that guidance and that part of my framework.  Man - people can be really unkind.  She was really unkind and - well she wasn't listening to me and - she was acting like a baby.  Haha - which is hilarious and of course she was - she's an alcoholic not getting what she wants.  So uncomfortable.  I hope that I can find the strength to continue to be kind and honest.  I cant believe how honest I was.  I stood up for myself and I wasn't a bitch.  Well - who knows - hopefully it will turn out alright somehow.  GOD - I have pms - which makes me feel like I was being overly sensitive - whatever I have to get ready for work.  Love you Bluebe byeee.

Travel and Shame.

This is where I travel everyday. I'm obsessed with shame. It's my biggest trigger. It's what's underneath everything. My mind is blown. I'm going to read everything on it. It's what has kept me separate from other people and my art. It's not why I drank - I believe I was born an alcoholic but I do think it kept me drunk longer. It's kept me stuck in so many places for years after I needed to be there. Ugh it's crazy. Well so I don't know. I travel everyday almost and I'm obsessed with shame. K love you bye.