Lyme Disease. Haha

What a title.  Well - Im about to move and I got so sad at one point - so sad and into a big fight with the guy.  He said some mean things and then - and then - I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF.  Because I could - because I haven't been manipulative or dishonest or using or any of the things that I used to be like.  And I stood up for myself from a place of love and it fucking hurt.  He was just - I don't know - thinking I was sad because I was going to be with him all the time now.  But Im sad because Im moving out of the city but mostly Im sad because all this stuff has been unearthed in me - all these emotions and memories - its crazy.  Well - so - it's okay now - and of course he got upset - he's been so patient and kind but at some point it would have to be scary and annoying for him right?  So - so we made it through that and we can keep talking about it and luckily it's Thanksgiving and we have some extra time together this week. I also - for some reason - started to research again about Lyme Disease - which I have and it turns out - Im not supposed to eat gluten, sugar and dairy - or in very low amounts.  Ive probably written about this before - I cant fucking remember.  Anyway - so - so what the fuck is that?  An opportunity I guess.  Time to get to another level of health.  I completely dropped the ball where all of that was concerned.  Haha - of course I did because gluten, dairy and sugar is fucking delicious.  I have to go to work.I miss you - I wish I could figure out how to have more time to write.  I hope you get all the cyber turkey your little bloggy heart desires.  Or whatever you want - pie?  Asparagus?  Love you Bluebie byeeeeeeeee!!

Now Im miserable.

I did extra work today - I didn't have to be there till 2:30 - took FOREVER to get myself ready AND then waited for 4 hours - they finally walked us (me and the 5 other losers they hadn't used yet) and after standing there an hour - sent us home.  I mean I never even made it to the actual set - just the holding on set.  HA.  Ugh not even ha.  What the fuck am I doing?  I cant even imagine being able to make in it show business at this point.  I mean - I didn't even get used as an EXTRA today.  What the fuck is that?  Okay - whatever.  Im just terrified about moving and I feel fat, old and tired.  So to celebrate all of those feelings I overate Chinese food tonight.  I could have really REALLY overate but I didn't - Im only in mediocre pain.  Wow - good for me.  Ugh anyway - Im just going to go to bed and start over again tomorrow I guess.  I really don't know.  I don't know anything.  At least I got to sleep in and hopefully I wont wake up tonight in the middle of the night again.  I have the last 2 nights.  Ugh - I just feel so sad and upset.  Is it just moving?  How do some people do things so easily?  Okay - well I can't ust feel my feelings now - I already ate them.  I will feel them tomorrow.  I just miss being in the flow creatively - Im just not.  Or Im not right now - that's all.  It's okay.  Love you Bluebie bye.

This is more interesting right?

I have no idea where life is going to go now.  Maybe not even very far but it's one million times more kind and interesting than when I was using or even when I was trying to live from the past and from rage.  Im late for work.  Haha so Im writing on here.  Ah sigh.  It's such an easy job and I still don't want to go!  Bye :)

So tired.

Well I'm moving - she signed the lease - it's her apartment as of December 1st!  Wow.  So.  So WOW.  I turned off everything and - well - WOW.  Im so tired.  I spent all day going through the "desk" piles I had.  It was mostly magazines and old bills - papers - I don't know.  This is the good part of moving right?  Being like - OH - I don't need those 5 different phone chargers after all and I can probably throw out these 35 outdated magazines, and these 75 old electric bills and cable bills.  I went and did 2 hours of service at the big meeting I went to and left feeling underappreciated and used.  Ha - good lord.  Like - where's my medal - I helped!  My medal is that I get to be sober I guess.  I know.  Im so tired.  I ran in the park and I walked all over the place.  So - so life is changing - isn't it so crazy?  My mind is blown.  We are having fun too - we already moved some of my stuff - a couple few times and we laughed and had fun and also got in one fight.  One night it was all jus too much, I was so tired, working, class, shows, moving - I was over it - or I had nothing to give I don't know.  And he was like - even after I kept saying it - he said "I feel like this is too much right now for you!?"  And I was like "IT IS!!"  Haha.  Ugh I don't even know if that's funny.  It wasn't funny and I suppose it's slightly amusing now.  Anyway all the other times we had fun, or we got through it or whatever.  Both.  Im so tired - I have to go to sleep.  Love you Bleubie byeeee.

Day 2263.

Hi.  So this is what I am going to try to do today and stay focused on.  Getting to a meeting, helping others, keeping my healthy boundaries in place, focusing on myself, listening, going to therapy, being nice to my guy, pay my bills (that I can pay), work on my comedy a little, work on my acting a little, and eat fairly healthy and be loving to myself and others.  You know I just started to write all the things I don't want to do and what for?  I just want to live, love and grow slowly today that's all.  Just keep it in today and move forward slowly.  Jeez.  Gotta go byeee.

Okay....I changed my mind.

So I got a good night's sleep and just prayed and meditated and now I feel better. I also changed my mind.  I don't want to cheat.  Or I don't want to act on that feeling of cheating.  Anyway - I do get to do comedy and I do get to write sometimes.  Right now Im just in a slower place that's all.  I am in it - maybe not at the level I want to be but I am in it.  So I changed my mind.  Im doing great.  Also Im not sure how to not feel all the shame and humiliation I have around how much I hate that fucking twat I work with now - but I guess I will figure it out.  I don't like her and I don't like her energy and my therapist said that it the best absolute most amazing reaction to have to her and Im going to try to remember that.  She said (my therapist) that it would be crazy if I liked her - if I liked the way she was or if I didn't have the reactions I was having.  Isnt that so sweet?  I mean of my therapist.  Fuck that diaper wearing narcissist douche tray.  Fuck her!  Im having exactly the right reaction and Im PROUD of myself for it!!!  What?  Jesus Christ - 13 years of therapy and I can finally pay my ConEd bill on time and I can be remotely nice to myself for not liking someone who is aggressively unbearable.  Ha!  Or not ha I don't know.  Hauum.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Always trying to cheat.

I'm a cheater.  I hate starting new jobs because I can't cheat yet.  I cheat at games, I used to cheat on boyfriends and I have every desire to cheat right now at life.  I'm tired - I'm fucking tired.  I want to fucking cheat and get someplace.  I have no fucking momentum in comedy and honestly - ugh I don't even know if I care.  Am I even supposed to be doing this?  And if I am - can't I get some help?  I just feel like I am going nowhere.  What am I doing taking this class?  Seriously - what am I doing?  I should be out every night doing comedy and I'm not.  I never write and I spend 2 nights a week in this class.  WHICH I LOVE.  UGH.  I'm so fucking frustrated and confused.  I just ate a ton of McDonald's - haha - that will help me in every way I'm sure.  Well I have the day off tomorrow - so let's see what that will bring.  That job and working with that lunatic - good lord Im OVER it.  Did I tell you how she always tells me how she wears adult diapers?  When she gets her period - she wears a tampon and adult diapers.  Aren't you glad you know that?  I am!  For the life of me - I don't understand how she acts like she's on speed but she's not.  I mean it is crazy.  Her energy is so aggressive and spinning but it's natural.  Or maybe it's not.  It's not drug induced at least - although it flips me out just as much.  Standing near her feels like standing near someone using.  At least for the most part she is keeping her hands to herself.  She did graze my nails today and say "Oooooo - navy."  IT'S SO CREEPY.  I would die - I would fucking die if someone stood there and nicely told me "Please stop grabbing me and touching me - Im sensitive and it makes me very uncomfortable - it's just too much for me."  I WOULD NEVER GO NEAR THEM AGAIN - would YOU?  No.  What is the allure I don't even get it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Triggered.

I just looked at my credit score and flipped the fuck out.  I - well - you know this is when I used to always act - FREAK OUT then make a lot of dramatic crazy choices and make things so much worse.  I'm going to just calm down right now and just go to therapy and continue on with my plan with the guy.  That's all - and then things are going to get better.  That's called recovery.  Do you know what's even crazier than getting triggered and then thinking up crazy ways to solve problems?  I have had this INSANE urge to shop.  I mean I had to just get myself home this afternoon on my day off and not go to fucking BANANA REPUBLIC and buy shit I don't need.  They sent me an email that said "50% off 5 regularly priced items."  And I was like WELL I BETTER GO DO THAT NOW!!!  Are you kidding me?  I have no money, I'm going to be moving AND - AND - I get FREE clothes from this new job - I can only wear their clothes to work - they give us the clothes and I don't need anything.  Good lord in heaven - what the serious fuck?  What a strange way to react.  OH!  I'm in a panic about money??  I better GO SHOPPING THEN!  Ugh - anyway - it feels good to write on here.  That job is slightly less crazy since Grabby McGrabberson finally got the message and stopped (for the most part) touching me and I don't work with her as much anyway.  Also it's been busier so there's less standing around and talking about - you know - her.  Goot go to therapy - ahahah - not funny.  My credit score isn't that bad - it's just not as good as it used to be and WHY AM I TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU??  What are you my mother - YOU'RE A BLOG.  I love you like a mother though - a sister?  A friend?  My BABY??  No.  I love you like a blog.  Byeeeee.

Ugh then there was this dream...

Last night I dreamed that I was marrying my ex-husband again - and I didn't really want to.  I thought it was a bad idea but I was doing it anyway.  My mother said I didn't have to do this if I didn't want to.  Then - then he wasn't even there but eh showed up - and he was all dirty and kind of smelly.  Then he was like - oh I moved out of our place and rented this place instead - and then take me into this really awesome furnished apartment.  OS then I'm walking around in this lacy, skimpy wedding dress and my hair is super long and lusciously curly and I'm flipping it all over  to the side - all 80's like - and I just seriously was like "I know this is a bad idea but I like that fucking apartment and I'm wearing this dress and getting married."  Um - what?  What the serious fuck?  Then tonight - tonight I have my acting class (asn yes I am aware how horribly boring that dream was) and at the end of it my acting teacher - the hot one says to me "Do you know how wonderful you are?"  To which I said "No - why?"  WHO SAYS THAT??  Did I even say why - I don't fucking know.  I just - I wanted to die.  I have my period and it's like 70 degrees outside and - AND - there was no air in the class for some reason and I was wearing - I'm not kidding you - a sweater dress - a THICK sweater dress, a turtle neck, AND thick sweater tights.  Dear God in Heaven I almost exploded after it was my turn to work.  So.  So there we are.  He's still gorgeous and killing me as much as ever.  But I'm in love with someone else now - AND - AND - he was talking about ACTING.  Ugh.  Good lord - give me 20 minutes and I will ruin my life.  No - but I won't.  I love my guy and it's just not reality or something whatever feelings I have about the acting teacher.  I'm just amorous.  What?  I'm an alcoholic and - you know what?  I have to go to bed?  I'm fucking exhausted.  Work, class, the guy, meetings, other stuff - I'm done.  Goodnight Bluebie - love you bye.