Beautiful Depression

I woke up depressed on this beautiful island. I'm not sure what is happening but it feels positive actually. The guy went to a class and I sat out by the pool by myself with a bunch of lizards and it was amazing. I'm reading Russel Brands book and I love it. I feel better. There were really big lizards and all sorts of little ones. The big ones had striped tails and the little ones had bright blue dots all over them. I loved them. One sat and looked at me for 15 minutes. A big one. I took his picture and I swear he was smiling and posing for me. We are staying in a condo complex. All the condos are painted gold with white and red trim. It's made of stone like all the buildings and it's beautiful. There's tons of palm trees and flowers everywhere. Ugh I guess I just really needed to sit out by the pool. Yesterday we went snorkeling and it was amazing! I really loved it. Anyway I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I think I'm probably still tired from life. Maybe I'm at peace and I think it's depression. Haha maybe this is as active as I ever want to be anymore. That's depressing right? Ah anyway I am going to enjoy the ret of my day and read my book. I meditated in the sun late yesterday afternoon and I am going to do that again. Love you Bluebie bye.

Vacation

We are on vacation on an Island and of course because I am such a fucking a-hole sometimes I was pissed all week we were coming here. Did I write about that already? The guy was so stressed out all week before coming here and it made me feel awful like it was crazy making going on this vacation. We got in a fight the night before we left and I was like oh my God we are going to have an awful time. He was so tired he smelled like he was getting sick which he never smells like. Anyway we had a nice flight and it's totally fucking beautiful here and we are having a nice time. We went to the beach yesterday and he snorkeled which made him so happy. I didn't get in the water because I didn't have my swim cap and I didn't want to ruin my keratin treatment. Oh my God can you even fucking imagine I just said that? We just went by the pool and I got in that water. I will go snorkeling I just want to wear a swim cap. Which I brought with me I just forgot to bring it to the pool today. We went to a meeting earlier this afternoon and it was in this lovely little building that has the most refreshing cross breeze it was wonderful. It was on the daily reading from today in Daily Reflections and it was titled "Two way street." My father always used to say that when I was growing up - that life is a two way street. Probably everyone's father said that. Anyway I started crying when we left. In two days it's the anniversary the one year anniversary of his death and I still can't believe it. Okay the guy is back one I should go. He went to get charcoal for the grill.  Ugh barf. He's so kind about the grief. He's grieving too. Love you Bluebie bye.

What AM I doing?

I just got home from a late show.  I left my house at 10:15 to drive into the city to do 8 minutes onstage.  Does that seem insane?  Now it's 1:10 am.  I got home and ate some pepperoni.  I played with my Fairy Cards.  I asked myself what the fuck I am doing and now I am here writing that question down.  I got my hair done today and it took 3 hours - I am not kidding you.  The whole time I sat in front of that mirror and judged myself and my arms harshly.  Is there anywhere in the world women look worse than dressing rooms and salons?  It's so fucking ironic.  I seriously was like - for THREE HOURS - "Is that really what my arms look like?  Yes.  Okay.  But really?  No it can't be true.  Yes yes that's what my arms look like.  Really?  Yes."  FOR THREE HOURS.  The one fucking time they didn't use the cape.  That must be WHY they use that cape.  I love myself.  I do.  I know it doesn't sound like it but I do.  I feel sad that I am not in my body more.  I am almost 46 years old and for that I look amazing.  If this was the 1800's I would be a great-grandmother so as far as great-grandmothers go I LOOK GREAT.  I just - I don't know if I can do this!  If I want to continue acting I need to be in shape!  If I want to continue comedy I need to do shows in the middle of the night and at inconvenient times.  I just don't fucking know if I can do this.  And is this crazy!!???  I AM GOING TO BE 46 YEARS OLD.  Why am I writing that down?  Twice?  Because it's true and it makes this seem even crazier.  Can I even GET in great shape?  Is it too late?  Hahahahaaa - yeah it's too late to get in shape yes that's the answer.  Fuck.  I don't know - I really don't know.  It just seems nuts to me right now and maybe a little crazy.  Not getting in shape but acting and comedy.  Acting and comedy for real.  Acting and comedy - MORE.  More for real.  I need to eat some more pepperoni and think about it.  Byeeeeeee.

I'm not a victim - but I feel like one!

I only know I'm not a victim because I read all these self-help books and daily readers from the 2 programs I'm in that tell me - I AM NOT A VICTIM.  Okay - fine.  I also did a 4th step when I got sober where I got to see "My Part" in failed relationships and I was able to see I had A HUGE PART in these failed relationships and it wasn't just me being abused by countless numbers of people.  Man I feel like I am going to barf.  I just feel not good.  Yesterday was Father's Day and we went to the farm and it was so sad that my father wasn't there.  What can I say I miss him and nobody was even talking about him.  I asked my mother if she was okay and she said it was so intuitive of me to ask her that.  I said isn't everyone asking if you are okay?  On your first Father's Day without your husband of 55 years??  And she laughed and said no.  Is this where everyone just STOPS TALKING about my father?  Like he's just gone and oh well.  I am crying so hard.  I was walking around the farm and the trees look so beautiful but there were a few totally empty spots and I just realized that this probably isn't going to keep happening.  The trees will get sold and then in a few years maybe the farm will be something else but it won't be what he made.  Am I like masturbating crying right now or is this just grief?  It's so sad.  I know it's life and life changes and it's okay but it's so fucking sad.  My sisters son she gave up for adoption was there with his adopted family - which is beautiful right?  They are now an even bigger family and I can see the beauty and love in that but holy fuck that really rocked me too.  I mean I was 12 years old you know?  Okay you know what?  Like I said I am not a victim in my life - I am blessed beyond in so many ways but I feel emotionally distraught - which just made me laugh I don't know why - but I do and that just fucking makes me feel like a victim.  This is why people don't grieve and just gain 50 pounds or whatever.  It fucking hurts.  It hurts and what?  I don't know.  I guess I wasn't expecting that to upset me so much yesterday - all of it.  No one wants anyone to be upset.  It's all about love and growth I know - joining of families but good fucking Lord it's intense.  It's intense and I just have the sense memory of being there on that farm when she had him.  Plus I just really miss my father and the grounding effect he had.  It's just a hard time and is there where I realize none of it has to do with me?  Missing my father has to do with me the rest is other people's stuff and lives.  It's a beautiful thing but I guess it triggered me.  Plus my father's anniversary is coming up.  I'm not a victim but I am in pain.  Okay - it's okay.  I am going to exercise right now and then thank God I have those kids today and that will help.  Thank you for being here sweet blog - I just need to get it out sometimes.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Day 2843

I am doing everything I can to avoid exercising right now.  I wrote in my journal, tried to work on my resume and even made a grocery list.  It's so weird.  Or is it?  I just - it hurts!  It hurts to exercise and it feels GREAT to eat and lay down.  That is why everyone does it!  That's why America is fat!  Okay I know it doesn't always feel good to eat and lay down and being fat is horrible and feels awful.  Eating too much makes me feel like I am going to explode and die and that feels awful.  I can do this.  I can do this!  It's not lie I have this rigorous, insane workout routine.  I do a little bit of yoga, work out with the kettle bell and jog for 2 miles and walk for like 10.  Haha that's not exactly crazy.  Omg - I am like 2 steps away from water aerobics Jesus.  Anyway it's a new day.  IT's quiet here at our house now thank God.  I love the quiet mornings here where I can meditate and take care of myself.  Get myself back on the ground - heal myself and get back in my body and soul.  Our neighbor that blow dries his driveway was doing it today while I was meditating and I am having a sensitive sound day so of course it was driving me nuts.  I put on the headphones and really just focused on the mantra.....but you know I was angry and I tried to let myself be angry because it's not healthy to deny my feelings you know?  Anyway what has been happening lately and I think this is a result of the Alanon work - which by the way is ZERO fun but I don't fucking know - I guess it's like exercise - the benefits are HUGE - what has been happening is that I realize people aren't doing crazy shit because of me.  HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS FOR THIS NEXT ONE!  In fact that fucking guy isn't even THINKING of me when he's blow drying that driveway.  It's because of some weird shit from his childhood or the crystal meth or whatever the fuck they have going on.  IT has nothing to do with me.  It still bothers me and it feels weird - it's not just the sound of it - it's the feeling behind it.  Somehow his blow-drying feels weirder than when other neighbors do loud shit to their houses.  Okay now I feel guilty about the crystal meth comment but seriously for all the time those people spend outside in their yard they are like the color of skim milk - it is so fucking weird.  I'm sure they have been like when is that woman going to have her baby already about me for the last 2 years.  I have to go.  Blah blah.  What was point even?  OH - that I am effected (affected?) by other people but it has nothing to do with me.  Weird right?  Is that what normal people know?  I AM EXHAUSTED AND I HAVE ONLY BEEN AWAKE 2 HOURS.  Bye.

Freaking the Fuck Out BUT Grateful.

Haha I don't want to be completely negative so I wrote BUT Grateful.  I am grateful though.  I am - I am so grateful I'm not drinking today and that I didn't wake up hung over or that I didn't have to apologize to my boyfriend for accusing him of horrible things and telling him to go fuck himself and any other horrible things I said to boyfriends while I was drunk.  That being said - hold on to your seats - this is going to be hard to believe but I am EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMED.  Fuck.  The weekend was tricky - and it was a little too much.  On Saturday while we are trying to plan this party my guy tells me his ex came back.  She did weird shit at his office - drove around, then came under one of the windows and knocked on it - left, came back and then pulled in the parking lot of the office - where there are other businesses and just fucking LAID on the horn for like 3 minutes trying to get him to come outside.  This is 8 weeks after he got an order of protection against her, took her to court and she said to the JUDGE that she understood that he wanted no contact and so he released the order of protection.  It hasn't even been 3 months!  As soon as he said he released the order of protection I new she would be back.  Anyway now he went again and got another order of protection.  Honestly it's fucking terrifying.  Oh she also left some of his business cards under his windshield wiper.  Just tucked in there - like - here these are yours I have them and I'm putting them there so JUST IN CASE all that other weird shit you were able to ignore - here's this.  Anyway so that's disturbing and my father's anniversary is coming up and the closer I get to it the sicker I feel.  I just don't feel well and I don't have enough time to go to meetings.  I chose to exercise today and write because I have a show tonight and our podcast.  I'm just freaking out.  It looks like someone threw something on our door also but would she do that?  How weird is it I am even asking that?  YES OF COURSE SHE WOULD SHE IS FUCKING CRAZY.  So either a bird somehow magically shit on our door which would be almost impossible or someone threw something at it.  Or option C which I don't know what that is.  Anyway - BLECH.  I have to get ready to go get the kids.  There was so much drinking and people over the weekend and it flipped me out for some reason.  Oh and Larni, Larni that mother-fucker cancelled on me for a show.  After we made fliers and have been promoting it like crazy.  What a fucking asshole.  I have put up with so much from that guy over the years - him yelling at me and treating me like shit and just AWFUL behavior but I love him so I put up with it but this is just - what?  I don't know - it's upsetting that's what it is.  Just hurtful and upsetting.  He is cancelling the show to go SHOPPING.  Okay I have to go.  I'm still freaked out but I am also still grateful.  Rageful and Grateful.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wow.

I am on the train headed back to the family where my guy is. I was working on a commercial and I can't even believe how fun it was. Also it was fast. Is that why people love to work on them so much?  Anyway it was fucking awesome. My mind is kind of blown because I auditioned and I thought I did well - when do I ever think that. Then I got it and I came and did it and they were totally laughing. Do I feel like I did a good job although now that I am writing this I think I must have done something wrong. Hahahaaa UGH. The travel is a little tough but there has to be an easier way to do that. But they treated me very well and it was fun. I loved it. I felt a little guilty about leaving the kids for 2 days but they barely need me. At least this is something they can watch! Okay I'm so tired. I learned so much today talking to the other actors holy shit. Okay I have to go. Yesterday was my father's birthday. The train stopped at one of the places he would come to get me before the guy and I started driving to their house. It was so crazy. I cried. I miss him so much I still can't even believe it. Now I'm crying again. On a lighter note I'm not pregnant which I was very worried about because my period was one day late. Not kidding.  Love you Bluebie bye.

The Work That Mental Illness Made

They say alcoholism is a threefold disease....Mental, Physical and Spiritual.  I always get the physical and spiritual but the mental I always ignore.  Some part of me - the mental part I guess - doesn't believe I have a mental illness.  I guess that anyone who has read more than 2 entries of this blog would say "Really??  You don't think you are mentally ill?"  Haha.  ANYWAY.  It just occurred to me this morning while I was meditating in the sun and crying that perhaps I do really have a mental illness.  I just kept thinking all these HORRIBLE things and situations and my thoughts kept ATTACKING me - it was fucking awful.  I just brushed my teeth and was crying and thinking about a time when my father kept going to get my at the train station but I was still in the city wasted in my room.  He kept calling and was confused and upset.  When I finally called him back he said "Okay you can do your free spirit thing and that's fine but next time call me so I'm not driving back and forth to the train station thinking I missed you okay?" He wasn't THAT upset and JESUS - how is that helpful to my life?  I made an amends to him and God knows he wasn't a perfect father.  I just was really able to see today how I have this brain that for some reason wants to destroy me.  IT's just - well I guess - why do I keep saying I guess?  I don't know it doesn't matter what matters is that for the first time or at least the first time that I can remember I really see how these are my thoughts and they don't have anything to do with anything other than my own mental illness.  ISN'T THAT A GREAT DISCOVERY??  WOO-HOO.  Gross.  Anyway I suppose that is some sort of helpful thing but Jesus - it really seems like my brain and like they are thoughts I am supposed to listen to and go with.  I HOPE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME.  Hahahaaa.  I will cry more today but I have therapy.  Barf.  Anyway that's what is happening right now and it doesn't change anything really.  I have to keep doing what I'm doing already anyway.  Meetings, service, therapy, self-care and talking talking talking.  Love you Bluebie bye.