Forgiveness and Structure.

I have a new sponsor right?  Well how do I explain this?  Let me start by saying how I have done something called a tenth step whenever I have been resentful - which is a lot - with a tenth step buddy.  In the tenth step you sort of clean up the resentment and move on with your day.  Well my new sponsor says something to the effect of if you are doing tons of tenth steps then your character defects are still in place - right?  Well one of my characters defects is being victimized by people.  I think.  I am very resentful anyway - angry, get my feelings hurt all the time and then remunerate over that shit for years - DECADES even.  Which is just me poisoning myself!  Is this making sense?  I don't know anyway I am going to just keep writing....so I am never forgiving is the short answer to this story.  I just hold on to that shit.  So I am going to practice forgiveness in 2018.  I forgave my father and it healed our relationship or at least it began the healing of our relationship.  Here's the thing - I am just going to have to practice this forgiveness shit because even writing this I am remembering things that hurt me, hurt my feelings, made me question relationships and just UGH I WANT TO HOLD ON TO THAT ANGER.  Then my left boob hurts.  That fucking boob is like an antennae now it's so crazy.  So I can practice forgiveness and I can start by forgiving myself.  We are all just doing the best we can.  Right?  I mean I know for years I couldn't act rightly - I was a sick and suffering alcoholic with untreated alcoholism.  So now I am treating my alcoholism, I go to therapy, I am in Alanon and guess what?  Still a mess and tell old ladies to go fuck themselves sometimes!  So imagine not having any of that or even knowing why or what it is that's wrong?  For other people I mean?  Why can't I let them be disasters too!?  I was a disaster!  Even well into sobriety (as you can tell by going back and reading ANY of this blog) I was a hot mess.  Okay well I feel like I am dancing around saying something but I'm not sure what.  I'm getting hungry.  Now to the structure portion....

I crave structure but I never knew it.  Or did I know it?  I have no idea but right now I am acutely aware of how much I need it and CRAVE it like a brownie.  Yum brownies.  I just am so off the ground and my head is so in the clouds that the structure helps me to have a day.  Yesterday I ate like 4 meals before 2:00 pm.  It was all healthy food but no not but....and then I was sort of confused about dinner and what in the fuck am I trying to say?  I have so much more structure in my life now than I used to and it feels like fresh air.  Now I want even more.  Structure me!  Structure this!  Organize my life!  I can waste 45 minutes staring at the wall!  There's nothing wrong with that unless it makes me feel bad.  I don't know I just want more structure.  Have a I made that point?  STRUCTURE.  Man I need to eat something.  I have been eating rice chex with almond milk - yum!  I fucking love food.  I LOVE FOOD AND STRUCTURE.  Who the fuck am I?  Okay Happy New Year!  Happy Fucking Structure and Forgived New Year!!!!

It all matters right?

I am home again on the couch.  It's freezing outside and I don't feel well but mostly I'm just exhausted.  I did one show this week and I hosted so it made me so tired.  Yesterday I had things to do and it just wiped me out.  That was it!  I can barely do anything!  So I am home binge watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.  It's wonderful!  Well anyway today while I was home and trying to drink tons of water because I also got very dehydrated I thought about how when I'm home I - ugh okay wait - let me say this in a different way.  I feel lie I sound like I am full of shit.  This morning while I was forcing myself to eat a healthy breakfast because all I have eaten lately is food that I want to eat which means it's food I shouldn't be eating and I have felt like it doesn't matter - this morning I realized it does matter.  It all matters.  It matters if I take care of myself - especially right now.  It matters that I think kind thoughts and just be nice to myself and let myself heal.  Healthy living matters.  Every little thing I can o to save my life right now matters.  It's that who cares and what does it matter that I think got me here to begin with.  The only problem is I don't know if I can do it.  I have been such a defeatist in so many ways in my life and I do often think whatever and who cares anyway.  But I care - I want to fucking live and I am terrified right now of not only this treatment but of the cancer coming back.  So it matters what I do, eat and think!  It all matters!!!  Jesus I know there needs to be balance also and I need to eat a piece of cake or whatever once in awhile....but I am already being compromised with this chemo and I need to offset that with healthy food and loving kind - other things.  So how do I do that?  How do I really take care of myself?  Especially when I'm sad, scared and triggered?  When I am like that I just want to eat mac and cheese.  Or a hot dog.  OR a burger with mac and cheese and a hot dog on it.  Yum!  I'm so exhausted and that just doesn't help any.  I mean eating like that.  Well anyway I'm not going to figure it out right now - somehow I thought I was going to.  I can only do what I can do today.  I can take care of myself at home today and work on tomorrow, tomorrow.  I'm going to meditate again - I'm so anxious and scared.  Very afraid of "out there."  Very anxious of outside my apartment.  Maybe I just don't want to leave and I am just saying I'm scared so I don't have to go outside.  Maybe it's both!!  Either way I'm not going outside!!  K love you Bluebie bye.

Sick Day.

Well today is a sick day.....I got that shot yesterday that makes me sick today but then I guess keeps me from getting a different kind of sick.  I had the last intense chemo on Tuesday and made it through somehow.  Can you believe this shit though?  I still can't believe it.  Except for the part where I didn't feel good a lot of the time.  I watched a TV show that I worked on - one of those episodics - and I looked so very tired and like I didn't feel well.  I worked on that just a month or two before I found out about the cancer.  I had cancer then!  Unbelievable.  Or very believable.  I don't know.  I don't know but I am almost done with this day - I slept for most of it and now it's getting dark.  I have on the diffuser with the lavender oil in it to help with the nausea.  For the next round of chemo they said I don't need this shot so I won't get as sick.  I wont actually have as many side effects.  I wont be as nauseas.  I will still be bald for awhile.  I guess I just have to practice acceptance.  My hair will grow back and I wont feel like this even so much by Saturday.  Also this is making me better.  And the cancer is out of me.  Wow right?  What the fuck.  The guy is bringing us dinner - I cant wait to see him.  I have been lonely today.  I can barely move though and talking on the phone sounds exhausting.  Lonely but not able to communicate very well.  Do I feel sorry for myself or what?  Good Lord.  Im going to turn on the TV and watch something - that will help.  Something funny.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I'm feeling blue...

I'm not depressed.  I'm just blue.  I went to the farm this weekend and my sister is doing such an amazing job, my father would be so proud of her.  I miss him though - I really do and I just left feeling so blue.  I think I miss exercising so much - I need to get myself on the treadmill today.  It's cold and gray.  I am so bald.  I have more chemo tomorrow and my veins hurt.  I guess I have reasons to feel blue but this feels chemical somehow.  I woke up after a good night's sleep and prayed & meditated so that was good.  I had a yummy, healthy breakfast.  I'm cooking brown rice and I am going to make a nice, healthy stir-fry.  OH BOY.  I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO AND I FEEL SAD.  I don't have cancer anymore - I have to keep telling myself that.  I am sick from chemo.  I am sad because I can't take my St. John's Wort and I can't exercise the way I would like.  I am nauseas a lot form the chemo so my food is all off also.  There's some days I can barely eat AND I LOVE FOOD.  I feel like all I talk about is food.  Okay so let's get this is perspective.  I'm just a little off myself that's all.  I can get on the treadmill.  Aren't I grateful that I have one?  Yes.  I can hear the birds outside - isn't that wonderful?  I can smell the rice cooking and that's making me feel better too.  Nice and warm.  I will get all ready and go about my day - go host that show tonight.  I can write first for it also.  Get myself and my head on straight.  Do the best I can.  Go wash my car!  It's a hot mess from driving in the snow.  I have things to do.  Stay as busy as I can without stressing myself out.  That's a balance.  Okay well I think this helped.  I just want to go back to bed.  Great!  Didn't help enough.  One of my sponsees sent me a sun lamp.  Why don't I go ahead and use it!  HELLO.  Wow.  I am just so scared about tomorrow.  It's the craziest thing doing this.  Like what the fuck am I doing to myself?  Saving my life.  I am saving my life.  Okay.  Okay.  OKAY.  Saving my life.  God let me have my feelings today, not wallow in them and for fuck's sake keep a good attitude.  I am in a nice, quiet, warm apartment and I'm making rice.  This is a beautiful thing.  I can go eat a cake if I want to and that's fucking fine.  I have a job to go to and another job to go to after that.  I have things to do that I love and if I want to cancel everything I can because I am going through something.  All I have to do is take care of myself.   I wrote that and my shoulders dropped.  Jeez.  I am such a shoulders up kind of person.  Tension and they go right up around my ears.  All good.  Man that rice smells delicious.  Thank you for listening - I really needed to just go off a little bit.  I feel better.  Isn't it strange how writing it down makes it a bit better.  I wonder why.  I guess it doesn't matter - love oyu Bluebie bye.

It's Saturday and I'm still bald.

I look craaaaazy.  Well yeah no I look crazy.  Wearing the wigs is so uncomfortable so I keep taking the wig off when I get in the car and last night I thought a guy was checking me out and then I realized he was just staring at me because I'm bald.  Checking me out in a different way!  Ah who cares.  Anyway I'm still bald.  Byeeeee.

Home and Bald.

I'm home today.....I'm also super bald......there's a few scraps of hair - well patches really but I'm bald.  I had my shot yesterday which makes me sick today and tomorrow.  Makes me feel like I have the flu.  I woke up this morning, prayed & meditated, then spoke to my Alanon sponsor and then took a nap for 3 hours!  Is it a nap when you sleep for 3hours?  Holy shit it's a half a night's sleep!  For some people.  Anyway I am not feeling so great but I had toast and a banana.  I'm having some coffee.  I wish I had ice cream.  Yum.  I don't know - I am not even sure why I am writing right now - I guess I just wanted to do something.  I want to go back to sleep but that just seems crazy.  Ugh so this kind of sucks but at least I'm home right?  It's so hard to convince myself this is helping me.  I just have one more round of this super intense chemo - thank God.  I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle.  I'm achy all over and bent over like a 90 year old.  Maybe an 85 year old.  What?  Blech.  Maybe I should watch a movie.  That's what people do when they are home sick right?  God Lord this is riveting.  Okay anyway the good news is I am home and in pj's under a cozy blanket and if I want I can go back to sleep.  It just makes me want to smoke pot so bad.  I feel hung-over and I used to smoke so much pot to get through the hang-over.  That's the scary part.  I just want to feel better - quickly.  It's not going to happen so I might as well watch a movie and go to sleep.  Love you Bluebie bye.

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN - YES I STILL GET PMS

Isn't that exciting?  I am getting PMS even though the chemo is most likely going to make me go through menopause.  Maybe it's the PMS from menopause.  The DVD player on this computer just popped open and scared the shit out of me.  So anyway I have more chemo this week and that is terrifying.  Scary?  Both?  I don't know.  Self-care is the ticket.  I am almost completely bald except for a bunch of patches.  Because my hair is so thick the patches are like little razor blades.  It is a rough look to say the least.  It looks like one of those mangy dogs that's chews at itself.  Ha it's awful.  I am wearing the wigs but they are awful.  Well I only have 2 and 1 is awful.  It's super cute with a hat on but with the hat off - yikes.  My sister said I looked like a serial killer last night.  That was sweet!  Anyway I can get some more wigs.  I have a show tonight.....I'm so nervous because the wig looks like a wig.  I mean the good wig that I have?  It still looks like a wig - just not as awful.  I wore it onstage last week and the audience said it looked like a wig.  There must be something I can do with it to make it look better.  I'm going to play around with it today.  They are fairly uncomfortable to wear and since I have those patches of hair they catch on the wig.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?  What am I going to do when my eyebrows and eyelashes fall out?  I will just get onstage and fucking talk about it.  That's what I did last week - fuck it.  I am not sure about tonight though - I have never performed at this place.  It's a challenge.  That's all - it's a challenge.  Accept the challenge and do my best.  Yeah.  Make a choice.  Get some more hats and wigs.  Yeaaaaah.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Hot Mess!

I'm a hot mess!  I have been crying all morning.  It's all of the physical stuff combined with I have no idea what?  I miss my father although I only cried about that briefly.  I am just so overwhelmed - physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I have been in physical pain and now the nausea and good lord all the other stuff.  Blah blah.  So I'm emotional because people are being so kind and loving and I am being supported.  I never even knew what that word meant until now.  I literally feel propped up by people.  It's so mind blowing.  So loving.  I am also what?  What was I going to say?  Fuck I don't remember.  Ha!  There you go - take yourself too seriously and God is like forget it.  Oye.  Well anyway this has been an emotional and exhausting morning although I still managed to pray, meditate and write in my journal.  And eat breakfast!  That was good.  The guy has to go to court again this morning for Batshit Crazy Barbara Driscoll.  Ah ugh.  Sigh.  I wonder who else she is harassing and being nutso to?  There has to be other people right?  I mean when I'm an asshole is a whole day of people I butt heads with - so she must have other people that she's being crazy to right?  Why am I even saying that?  I'm not sure it just occurred to me the other night.  Maybe I should take a bath.  I am cold.  I'm so tired already and it's 9:55 in the morning!  You know I cried through most of my meditation I should just do it again.  I know I must sound like I am losing it but even though I'm such a mess in my heart I am okay.  It's like I'm detoxing emotionally or something.  Just like barfing feelings through my tears.  No that's not quite right.  Just cleaning house I guess.  WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?  I am going to meditate again.  I can get in bed and meditate.  Just breathe and meditate.  Just get centered and go to my doctor's appointment.  Maybe eat a donut.  Yeah or a scone or something.  I know!  I'm going to call my new sponsor first.  Yes.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Balding.

My hair is falling out for real now.  They told me on Tuesday that I would be bald by Monday and I am well on my way.  It's coming out in clumps and I don't even have 1/8 of the hair I used to have!  Okay so deep breath I am going to be bald for 5 months or so.  They also told me that on Tuesday.  I was so sick yesterday and we just stayed home thank God.  We didn't travel.  I took a nap for 2 hours, then slept for 12 hours and took another 2 hour nap today.  Am I a firecracker or what?  I went for a walk at least, both days.  Well yesterday it was really a stroll - I could barely get myself going.  Anyway I am so lucky I am here at home and that my guy is just like hey rest enjoy it.  I wish I could enjoy it more but being sick sucks.  It was uncomfortable to sit UP yesterday.  Okay let's look at the positive seriously.  That one is done - I will start to feel better now and the nausea pills really work.  I am losing weight - haha - I am but who cares.  I am clean and loved.  Wow - I am really reaching for stuff.  I am being taken care of.  The chemo is working.  Yes.  What else?  The guy had a nice day yesterday.....he rested and ate lots of yummy food.  My brother brought us a thanksgiving dinner the night before so we still got to have a nice meal.  The whole thing!  A turkey and all the trimmings.  It was so sweet - he drove 3 fucking hours to bring that to us.  I told someone and she seemed surprised that I was so touched and I had to keep myself from saying I would NEVER do that for someone.  Haha I don't know that's not true except I have no fucking idea how to cook a turkey but I drive hours and hours to see my family all the time.  It just warmed my heart.  We ate it the night before because I knew I wouldn't want to eat a big meal yesterday.  It was so fun!  A one day early thanksgiving meal!   Okay well anyway I should start to feel better by tomorrow.  I'm going to go to a meeting tonight.  I got a new sponsor.  That was painful and awkward but it's okay.  It will be okay.  I need so much more now - this is the craziest thing that has ever happened to me - I don't want to drink.  I don't want to pick up and I want to stay plugged into this program.  It already feels so scary with all the shit I'm on and the emotional up and down of this whole thing.  I was crying HYSTERICALLY at that movie Practical Magic the other night - he had to put on a different movie - it was nuts.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

My Pubes Fell Out First - A Cancer Love Story

I still have all the hair on my head but yesterday in the shower my pubes fell out.  I WAS SO UPSET.  What?  I KNOW.  It was completely shocking to me.  I was crying.  My boyfriend came in and comforted me - it was so ridiculous.  I was crying and laughing at the same time.  I just kept pulling it out - I couldn't believe it.  I thought all the hair on my head would fall out and then later the hair on my body and last my eyebrows and eyelashes.  I thought that's what everyone said.  That is what everyone said.  Come on - of course I would lose my pubes first.  God wants me to keep my sense of humor.  Here's another thing that happened that made me laugh.....My friend got in touch with me and asked me how I was (very sweet).  I said I felt sick and fluish from the chemo - said it felt like the flu.  She then said "I just got the flu shot - I hope I don't get the flu."  Then I said it wasn't the flu - it was the chemo and she sent me an emoji of a crying face.  HA.  "I hope I don't get the flu."  I HOPE YOU DON'T GET THE FLU TOO!  OR CANCER!  I mean I really laughed - I was like are you fucking kidding me?  It was so sweet of her to reach out but she just couldn't keep herself from being self-centered I guess.  Jesus I feel guilty writing this.  It was just funny.  Who the fuck knows where she was coming from.  The flu is terrifying for sure.  Anyway I still don't have my pubes.  We had a lovely weekend - went to the farm, celebrated my Mom's birthday, spent time with the kids.....went for a walk around the trees it was wonderful.  It brought up a lot...it always does I guess.  I miss my father so much - I said a toast for him at her party - I feel like everyone has just forgotten him....I know that's not true but ugh I don't know.  It's only been a year and a half.  I just feel his lack of presence so much.  It's just sad.  I miss him - really that's what it is - I miss him so much.  Ah life.  More chemo this week.  I was crying all morning.  My spirit is healing in such a profound way - truly.  This has helped me in so many ways.  But the physical pain is so scary.  I am accepting though and I have surrendered.  But I am still crying about it.  Haha.  CRYING GOOD AND HARD ABOUT IT!  Okay well I want to go for a walk and enjoy this day before I am sick from the chemo.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Free Will.

Okay I go to this Alanon meeting and there is woman that goes to it - she's a piece of work you know?  Tall, big and has bleached blonde short hair, wears TONS of gold, long nails, heels, sun glasses on ALL the time, thick NY accent, drinks ice coffee out of a giant LOUD plastic clanking bottle that is so fucking annoying it's UNREAL and when she shares talks for like 20 minutes no lie.  That being said she has so many great things to say and I always relate to her and she really has a connection to a higher power AND she's a seeker.  It's so fucking crazy.  You really can not judge a book by it's cover OR by how fucking clanking that books stupid ice coffee is.  Between her jewelry and her fucking ice she's like one giant clank.  She pulls SO MUCH FOCUS.  But again - she's wonderful on the inside.  She told me I would wake up from my surgery and that I would be fine.  She also said something about my higher power loves me and I will be okay and that I can be okay if I want to because He gave us Free Will.  That really struck a cord (chord?) with me.  That's it right?  We have free will.  We have a choice.  Sometimes.  Sometimes not.  But sometimes.  For some reason I am thinking about that today.  Why did God give us free will?  I don't know.  I don't know but I also don't know why I am write on here I secret anymore until I say something like that and then I remember how flipped out most of the world gets when you speak about GOD.  Even I do!  When people post shit online about God I'm like SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Do that shit in private like a human being you fucking animal.  I REALLY feel that way.  It makes me wildly uncomfortable.  So yeah then I just remember that's why this blog is a secret.  Or am I just a pussy?  I don't know.  Maybe it's both.  Maybe there's third option behind door number 3.  I think it's interesting.  I spend so much of my life trying to get attention and jobs where people look at me and listen to me.  So I love that this is something that doesn't directly have to do with me.  I'm doing this solely to express myself and keep record of my journey through sobriety, life and now breast cancer.  It's like a giant science experiment.  What?  No that's not it.  It's giant science journal.  What?  It's just notes!  Notes on my life!  I dig it.  Who gives a fuck why!  I have to go and pretend to exercise.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE

Self-care with Heart

I am home on the couch.....I was supposed to go get a CAT scan this morning but I just couldn't do it.  I have my period and it's a rough one - I'm not sure if it's the chemo or what - and anyway it's not that...it's this....that I just didn't want to go today and be poked and prodded.  I wanted to take care of myself.  From a beautiful and wonderful place inside of myself.  It's my friend who always says "You don't have to say yes even if it's because you want to sit on the couch and paint your nails."  I can just say no because I'm overwhelmed and tired and I want to let my sweet body restore in a healthy, kind way.  I called them as soon as I thought they were open in order to cancel and the guy WAS SO NICE that I started crying when I got off the phone.  He was like it's okay you don't have to come, think about when you want to come in , you don't have to figure it out right now.  I wasn't even being hysterical!  I just said I can't come in today.  Mind blown.  Side note the guy is at court right now AGAIN for Batshit Crazy Pants.  Did I write on here how she is trying to - ugh look - I can't do this right now.  It feels so toxic.  Today is about healing.  I just hope he's okay.  I think she has a lawyer with her and he doesn't.  Well crazy doesn't stop happening just because we are struggling I guess.  That is the perfect name for her - Batshit Crazy Pants Barbara Driscoll.  Okay what happened to healing?  Ha.  Okaaaaay.  Well I have a bunch of things to do and I want to go for a walk.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Day 2991.

Well I started the chemo and the treatment itself was long but fairly mellow.  I felt fine the next day, went back for a shot and then have felt fairly sick each day since then although it seems to be lessening.  Oh I got sick the first night!  I was so nauseas.  I can finally fucking spell the word nauseas.  I wasn't sure how to take the nausea meds and so I felt sick to my stomach for way longer than I needed to that night but the next day I was fine.  Anyway the moral to this story is take your nausea meds.  Take them all, take them together and just fucking take them.  I got my hair shaved yesterday - that was emotional.  I have a super cute, dykey little haircut and it also says "fuck cancer" on the back of my head.  So that was fun!  I went today and got a wig - a really nice one and so I feel ready to be bald.  It's cold as fuck right now but hopefully it won't be full on so winter and I can go and get some scarves and stuff so I can look cute.  I'm at home right now.  The guy and I went to the wig place, had lunch and had sex.  Gotta keep the love going you know?  I feel kind of gross but luckily I am still horny.  Go figure.  It's sunny out today so that's nice.  My mom and my sister came with me yesterday - it was so sweet.  So sweet, loving and supportive.  I have so much to do but honestly I am exhausted.  I had a show last night - that was super fun.  Packed club - was great.  I closed out the show - was really fun.  Okay so I am fairly terrified for more treatment - especially since it's only going to get harder.....well maybe not the treatment after this one.  What?  I am going to stop thinking about it.  I have a busy week....more doctor's appointments, more - I have no idea what.  I can't really think straight.  It's called chemo brain I guess.  I feel like I had it before I started chemo - have I written that already!?  Okay well I can only do the best I can right?  Yes.  And be so fucking grateful for how kind and supportive people are being.  SO KIND.  So SWEET.  My sweet mother - oh my fucking God.  She just sat there yesterday and smiled and said how nice my head that says FUCK CANCER on it looks.  Come on right?  The guy too.  I can't even barely take it.  If you want to see how much people love you - get cancer.  You will see.  You will fucking see how loved you are.  But I hope you don't get cancer.  I hope you can realize it without that. 

Panic.

I'm so sickened by what happened in Texas.  It's so awful - what happened to that man?  What happens to people?  I don't know - it's horrifying.......


I am in a fight right now for my own life and I am in a panic about it.  I haven't gotten to a calm place yet about starting chemo tomorrow - I still feel so unsure about it - if I am doing the right thing.  I felt better after I saw the snake doctor Saturday but today I have been crying all morning - ever since I woke up.  I have just been researching and digging - I don't know.  I just haven't gotten there yet.  My friend said to fake it till you make it.  I just write that and got instantly exhausted.  I had a nice weekend......we went to my show Saturday and went and saw Gilbert - it was such a wonderful movie.  We walked yesterday, had sex - I cooked and went to a restorative yoga class.  I don't know.  I made this dish - it was fucking delicious - ready?  Here's what it was........I boiled 4 organic potatoes - the baking kind - right?  Peeled them, cut them up.  In a pain I sautéed about 6 cloves of garlic and one yellow onion with some chopped up organic walnuts.  Then I put in the potatoes and sautéed all of that until it became almost homefries but with the potatoes not really crispy still kind of soft.  Then I added (oh olive oil too of course plenty) RED rice - cooked all that up and the last thing I added was arugula.  IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS.  Those other rices are fucking fantastic.  Oh I also added sea salt, fresh pepper and chipotle.  Yeah it fucking rocked.  The guy loved it even!  I was supposed to go to an audition today and a doctor's appointment and I canceled both.  I just couldn't.  I can feel the stress in my left breast.  All toxic things, people and thoughts - they all go to my left breast - it's nuts.

A woman on Saturday morning told me I'm saving myself by doing the chemotherapy.  I wrote that and my boob hurt.  What is my hesitation?  I am so scared and it seems archaic.  That being said I said that about mammograms and that one saved my fucking life.  I feel completely different about them now.  Okay this is what I am going to do.  I am going to take a shower.  I am going to breathe while I get ready.  I am going to go to a wig place.  I am gong to breathe and go see those kids.  I am going to fucking pray all day.  I am going to pray right now when I finish typing this.  I am going to love.  I love my boyfriend.  I don't want to leave him.  I love my life here.  I love my comedy and that has taken years to happen again.  I love my family.  My sister and my mother sent me flowers - they are so beautiful.  I don't want to leave my family.  I guess I want to live.  Life is pain - I excepted that years ago.  On the other side is healing right?  If I can somehow feel that in my body,,,,,in my heart?  I don't know........what does my heart want?  What would you do?  Would you do it?

100% Flipping The Fuck Out. Completely.

I am supposed to start chemo next week.  It's the strong kind because my lymph node had the bad cancer in it.  I just haven't gotten to a calm place about - I still am freaking out worried this isn't the right thing to do - that maybe I should try something else - the natural path.  I am seeing the snake doctor today and hoping with everything in me that he can help me to calm down and guide me in the right direction.  I can't go in there for this treatment freaking out.  I just can't.  But like I said - I am flipping the fuck out.  The side-effects are so awful and losing my hair is the least of it.  My nails will turn colors and I will probably go through menopause.  But the worst part is that I am just so aware and seeing so clearly at this time of panic (once again mind you I am seeing this) the different disappointing relationships I have in my life.  Not the guy - the guy has been so great - even if he has reacted and been - human at times - he has been so supportive and loving.  I just was crying hysterically and he was SO NICE TO ME.  Held me, listened to me, told me I am doing the right thing.  I said I was sorry he had to deal with this and he said it's worth it because he loves me.  WHEN HAS THAT EVER FUCKING HAPPENED?  I don't know why I am yelling I'm a mess.  Anyway it's the friendships and my sponsor.  They are just disappointing relationships where I get 25% of what I need.  And this is how I always was when I dated before.  Or whatever you call all those dysfunctional relationships I had.  Was it dating?  I have no clue.  But they were always disappointing.  I have to be brave and leave space for something else by not having anything.  That's it!  Nothing is better than only something.  At least for me.  I don't even know if I am making sense or why I am talking about this.  I know why.  Because it's so clear to me this is how it is.  This panic about my life - my actual LIFE is making me see where there isn't nutrition.  That being said I am also freaking the fuck out and reactive.  REGARDLESS - people are fucking disappointing and I have settled for it for so long because it seemed better than nothing.  Well clearly I am not calmed down yet and let's face it if I was I would be a fucking lunatic.  Would I?  I would be because then I wouldn't be being honest about what a huge thing this is.  Jesus Christ do you know what is so crazy?  I feel like while I am writing this I don't want anyone to feel bad.  I am trying to honestly and truly say how terrified and freaked out I am and at the same fucking time trying to figure out how not to say it harshly or upset anyone.  Then what is the God Forsaken Fucking POINT of writing this?  I am fucking terrified.  I still don't have that gut feeling that putting myself through 5 months of poison is the right thing.  I don't know what the fuck to do.  I'm going to drink some more water.  I went to a meeting this morning - I prayed and meditated.  I cried, I had sex and I had an egg sandwich on gluten free bread.  WHAT ELSE CAN I DO???  Okay I was joking when I wrote that.  I'm going to take a shower.  Persevere.  Today I will go forward as best I can.  I have a show tonight thank God.  Hydrate my inner body and outer body.  That's all I can focus on right at this moment.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Restoration.

I just wrote a whole thing and deleted it.  This is what is happening.  I am trying to restore my body right?  Get it healthy again.  Get back IN it again.  I have a limited amount of energy.  I want to heal myself.  I want to eat healthy and walk and do yoga again and DANCE.  Fuck remember dancing?  It takes time.  It takes slowing down.  It takes being alone - for me - a lot - because I get pulled off myself around people.  Restoration.  I  need so much restoration right now.  So I can breathe.  I went for an awesome walk today.  That felt so good - in the crisp air and the sunshine.  My perception shifted as I walked.  I got less angry and more alive.  I used to move, stretch and do so much everyday.  I think my body is yearning for that.  Holy fuck - it's like being thirsty.  I have to take a shower.  No - first I have to do the dishes, put the clothes in the dryer and then shower.  It's part of the restoration.  Clean living.  Calm living.  Dishes make me feel gross.  I don't want to feel gross.  I want to feel good.  I also want someone else to do the dishes but until then I have to do them.  Ha.  Okay I am feeling better.  Flow.  Flowing Restoration.  RIGHT!?  Haha.  Byeee.

Stillness.

I have no idea why I wrote that title.  I guess it was quiet for a second do I thought it?  Who the fuck knows.  I have a follow-up appointment today with the breast surgeon.  I think she will say whether or not I am healed enough for chemo?  I have no idea - the in between, the up and down, the unknowing is so exhausting and terrifying.  I' much better for sure - I'm less numb and less swollen - the right side is very healed - the left is better.  Fuck yeah I am terrified.  There won't even be any needles or anything today!  I'm so tired.  I was so uncomfortable last night - it doesn't hurt enough on the left side to take the medication anymore but it's still very uncomfortable.  Oh boy well I'm a little bit of a mess and it's OKAY.  I am allowed to be Jesus Fucking Christ.  I had shows over the weekend and that was great.  I have a show tonight and tomorrow night and that is fucking fantastic.  Thank God!  Okay - I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow.  That one is for a study I said I would be part of.  It's for diet and exercise but I might not be in the group that exercises at first.  I have to ask about that.  I can't not exercise for a year - the walking is helping me so much it's amazing.  I have to keep doing that.  It shifts my whole brain and perception.  I am obsessing right now over people who I FEEL like I don't get much of a return from.  It's alanon.  I just need to focus on myself.  That's it!  It is 10:00 am and I am already exhausted.  It's very humid - I think that's part of it.  All day yesterday I was so lightheaded that I felt like I was high - it was awful.  OMG!  That just reminded me of a dream I had last night!  I was doing coke!  I was doing coke and I liked it.  What the fuck?  I was doing coke and then not talking about it at meetings and trying to figure out how to get more coke.  My recurring dream where I pick up more and more each time has now progressed to coke.  I drink, smoke pot and now do coke in this fucking dream.  I was also dreaming I worked in a store underwater and I in front of this big mirror I kept jumping up and down and touching my toes in a straddle - ha.  Then I realized I probably needed air and went to swim to the top but kept being able to breath underwater.  I kept taking in big breaths and thinking how strange it was I could breath.  I DEFINITELY SMOKE POT IN MY DREAMS YUP.  I have to get ready to go to this appointment.  It's okay!  I can do this.  I got this and I can get myself some sort of treat for going.  Like a Big Mac or something.  Ha - no.  Do you know on this show I did on Saturday night?  There was a guy who was in prison for 13 months - had just gotten out and he was sooo fucking nervous to perform.  I told him I totally related!  He told me his girlfriend had a vibrator in her and he the remote and was using it on her to help him be less nervous.  Right?  Why did he tell me that??  I HAVE NO IDEA.  Then he asked me to hold his cell phone and not give it to his girlfriend.  Then I thought - holy shit, I have breast cancer and this little fucking felon is trying to get me to fuck him and his girlfriend.  NICE.  Byeeeeeee.

Acceptance of Uncomfortableness.

I am so physically and emotionally uncomfortable.  I'm so much better from the surgery!  I can walk almost my whole walk now and swing my left arm the whole time.  Not a full swing but I don't have to baby it and have it in my pocket the whole time.  Is that some 90 year old shit to say or what?  "I can swing my arm almost the whole time during my walk dear!"  Ha that made me laugh.  UGH THANK GOD PLEASE I NEED TO LAUGH.  I am so lonely.  I miss going on my auditions and I am here at home alone a LOT more.  That of course is confusing because if someone came over it would exhaust me in 10 minutes and I would want them to leave.  I think I'm lonely in my heart.  I just miss going to shows and miss running around more for the auditions and stuff.  But I wasn't well - always so tired.....so this is my chance to heal, to get myself back I guess.  So I'm lonely but it's okay.  I had such a hard time sleeping last night - I just didn't want to take that fucking medication anymore so I didn't and who cares.  I'm healing and I am feeling better and stronger.  I am accepting that my body is in discomfort and it wont last forever.  Is it possible that I am NOT BEING A PUSSY for once in my life?  Ha.  Maybe.  So I am uncomfortable in so many ways but it's alright.  I know God has my back and that this is an opportunity.  I just have to practice all the great tools of the program and moving forward slowly one day at a time, doing what I can where I can.  I have some shows coming up so that will be great.  I will have a couple of weeks where I am doing stuff before treatment starts.  Barf.  When I woke up and was so upset, so down I just said to myself "It's okay , of course you feel this way it sucks and it's painful...just use the tools you have all these tools all this stuff to help you to the other side.  It's just discomfort."  So I did my thing.  I prayed and meditated.  Spoke to another survivor of breast cancer.  Talked to a sponsee...took my long Granny walk and talked to another sponsee.  Ate lots of yummy foods and took a shitload of vitamins.  I think the walk helped the most.  The sunshine and the fresh air - the BREATHING.  Yeah.  It clears my head.  I wrote in my journal....wrote some jokes.   Now I'm going to take a shower and I feel somewhat on the other side.  Still a bit heavy and of course so scared.  But I guess I don't have to stay in anything if I don't want to - meaning a feeling either physically, emotionally or spiritually.  That being said - still lonely.  But it's okay I am going to take a shower!  What?  Haha bye.

Oprah Oprah Oprah OPRAH OPRAH OpRaH OPraH oPRAh Oprah Deepak DEEPAK DEEPAK DEEPAK Oprah

I fucking love Oprah.  I have been listening for years now and doing the free guided meditations of Deepak and Oprahs.  The guy also buys them and we listen to them everyday - and meditate.  Okay I have written about it before right?  I think so?  Who knows I can't fucking remember anything anymore.  REGARDLESS - this week one of them blew my mind.  Oprah always speaks first and on this particular day she was talking about the 3 principles that she lives by.  The first is that you need a vision for your life.  What do I want my life to look like?  Without the light of a vision you have nowhere to go.  My words I think not hers.  The second is what is your intention?  This is amazing to me because of my people pleasing AND my fucking passive aggressiveness.  It's twofold - I say yes when I mean no and then I'm fucking pissed about it but also I do nice things when I don't want to and I am exhausted by it AND I go to people who have nothing to give all the fucking time and then judge them.  So what is my intention there?  To be uncomfortable in that way instead of just sitting with myself and my feelings and doing my work.  Okay fine - great realizations and a great principle to truly start to live by - what is my motherfucking intention here?  The third is Newton's Law - in fact Newton's third law which states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  When you put out positive - YOU GET POSITIVE BACK.  I know I know that is the most obvious thing in the world but for some reason this week it blew my mind.  If I'm being nice and I don't want to be nice and I'm pissed - that' not actually nice and I AM NOT GETTING NICE BACK.  Aghhhh!  This isn't even about me getting nice back it's about me living more authentically and to stop the passive aggressive, uncomfortable, unmanageable behavior that doesn't serve me and doesn't feel good.  THANK YOU OPRAH AND DEEPAK.

Here's what else I realized this week.  For years I have been trying to "get back my power."  This week while meditating I realized that THAT IS WHERE I GET MY POWER.  MY HIGHER POWER.  Again - duh.  It's the 11th step "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."   Okay well it doesn't say exactly what I am saying but that was what happened while I was seeking this week.  It shifted something in my meditation practice.

NEXT THING.  I love plants I buy tons of plants I kill tons of plants.  For years I have been buying, caring for and killing plants.  I didn't have good light in my apartment so I thought that was it.  It seemed so strange because they would stay alive for the longest time then just start to go.  Well I moved here and brought the plant I hadn't killed yet and my guy started to REPOT THEM.  I thought it was so weird.  Then THEY GREW BIGGER AND STAYED ALIVE!  It took me almost 2 years to remember that the roots of a plant can be as big as the plant itself o it NEEDS A BIG POT but especially if it's growing.  So then I realized I needed a bigger pot.  I need more roots.  I need to heal and I need a bigger God a bigger pot a shit ton more nutrition more light more love A BIGGER POT.  MORE SOIL.  So there you go.  That was my week.  Love you Bluebie byeee.

and when I'm bad I'm HORRIBLE

Why does there have to be a stupid title for these posts?  It's fucking enraging sometimes and feels totally inauthentic a lot of the time.  I woke up on the wrong side of the mother-fucking bed.  I had such a good day yesterday - I have no idea what happened.  I cried while I was meditating and just kept thinking about this friend who said I was a shitty friend and made me feel awful.  It was AWFUL.  Meaning me thinking about it.  It was just my alcoholism ravaging my brain.  It was also awful when she said I was a shitty friend.  But I have no idea - I mean when my brain is like that I can't know what the truth is.  I am just mired in alcoholic thinking - it's insanity.  It's just the past or the future and it's all negative.  I think part of the problem is that right now I am having these waves of trauma, drama, terror, and something else.  What else?  Well good things.  Seeing how loving and kind people can be - feeling taken care of - realizing this is some sort of opportunity even though it did NOT feel like it today.  I just wake up miserable sometimes anyway, let alone when I have breast cancer and have to have chemo.  It's the alcoholism.  We wake up with a fresh case of it everyday.  Isn't that fucking insane?  Then we have to take care of it.  Prayer, meditation, meetings, phone calls are you TIRED YET?  I have to say if I could do that for my cancer I would in a fucking second.  Well so today I was horrible.  I sat on my phone for a while, stayed grumpy, meditated again - had an idea for a show, cried some more, spoke to a friend, cried some more, ate some yummy food, got myself ready, did some of the breast surgery exercises and then walked for an hour.  Now I finally feel a little better and I am speaking at a meeting tonight.  Ugh it's exhausting.  I just need to keep my hand in God's hand.  It's so hard.  I cut myself off from my higher power all the time.  Can I stay plugged in.  CAN SHE STAY PLUGGED IN???  Why the fuck did that first doctor tell me even if I had some cancer it didn't mean I had cancer?  Whatever he didn't know then what took basically 2 months for them to figure out.  I'm in reality about my situation now.  I just need to get this shit off my chest that's all.  It's fucking sucks.  I am going to fight the good fight, take care of myself the best I can, ask for help and turn as much as I can to God.  but it fucking sucks okay?  It fucking sucks.  Alright anyway I'm going to eat a salad.  And a dick.  No just a salad.  MAYBE A DICK.  If I want to.  Oaky bye.

DANCES WITH WOLVES

I thought that sounded funny so I wrote it.  Aren't you glad I didn't say banana??  What?  Ugh.  So it was absolutely fucking GORGEOUS out today.  I went to my ladies meeting and I talked with women and I came home, had weird sex with my guy - good sex!  But weird because I am still terrified to shake myself around very much.  I spoke to my therapist.  I have somewhat of a plan trying to get the idea of chemo through my head.  A second opinion.  I don't know.  A woman after the meeting today said to just do it.  Anyway I went and ran a couple of errands, got some groceries, went for a walk and cooked a bunch of food.  I just wanted to enjoy this gorgeous day.  the chemo would be for 5 months.  Holy fucking shit.  What am I going to do for 5 months???  I don't know.  Okay the guy is doing the dishes from all the food I made and it's so loud.  I feel better today, less depressed.  Ugh I can't this is so annoying to me.  HOW CAN I BE ANNOYED AT HIM DOING DISHES???  I just can be that's all.  That's fucking all.  They are my feelings and I'm allowed to have them.  I'm more healed now also.  Not done AT ALL but I am better.  Ugh it's so crazy.  This is so fucking crazy.  I have to go he's driving me fucking nuts.  Byeeeeeee

It took a week....

for me to realize how intense my surgery was.  I thought I had a lumpectomy on each side - is that what I wrote?  I have no idea and I'm not sure why I feel the need to clarify whatever I might have written - who gives a fuck - BUT - it's so crazy what the mind does to make something alright in the moment.  I had to sign the form before surgery and she read me exactly what was there while I read it.  It said partial mastectomy with reconstruction.  In my head I was like "Okay that just means lumpectomy.  I can't remember what it said for the other side.  I just remember that.  I t took until yesterday - after a week of healing for me to realize how much more extensive the surgery was on the left side.  I mean the right side I can use fairly well - I can't job or do MUCH but it's okay.  The left side is swollen and it feels displaced and well as a constant level on pain.  So I did some research and realized what was done and more than that I just took in the reality of my situation.  Ugh does this make sense?  Do I sound like I'm full of shit?  How fucking TOTALLY INSANE IS IT THAT I AM WORRIED IF I'M BEING AUTHENTIC IN MY BREAST CANCER?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Jesus Christ.  Okay anyway.  The reconstruction looks kind of bizarre but I think it's still swollen but also - who cares?  There were 4 fucking tumors in me.  I'm so grateful she did the surgery!  This is the craziest  - I don't know - thing ever.  We had some sort of weird sex last night.  It was only weird because I just laid there and haha he tried not to move me at all.  When I came I was like trying to keep it to the lower part of my body - I was so scared it was going to hurt or like burst my incisions.  That probably falls under the "TMI" whatever it's called.  Folder?  Category?  Ugh who cares.  I'm definitely still tired but I am feeling more healed.  I'm going to the doctor today - I'm waiting for the guy to pick me up.  I really have to take this one day at a time.  I saw the kids yesterday and tutored them and that helped so much.  My brother and his wife came to visit too and took us to lunch.  It was exhausting but the love is so healing.  I also got to a meeting yesterday and that REALLY helped.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Radical Acceptance

Or just acceptance?  I just ate a little bowl of butternut squash soup that I made in the crock pot.  I toasted a couple pieces of Exotic Black Rice Bread and had those too.  It was delicious.  I read today's reading from a book called Journey To The Heart by Melody Beattie.  It talked about  being a healer by being who you are.  Something like that.  And about pine trees which made me think of my father.  Then it said at the end of the passage - wait let me actually read it so I can quote it correctly....."Open to your healing powers and you will cherish your past, all you have gone through and done."  That's awesome right?  It made me think of acceptance and how in order to cherish your past you have to accept it.  Then I realized that I need to accept this.  Actually I don't need to - I can do anything I want.  But this IS what is happening.  I have breast cancer and I need chemo.  I just want to accept this.  I had to surrender to my alcoholism right?  I have to surrender tot his too.  It doesn't matter why this is happening, all that matters is that it is.  This is what I have to deal with right now.  Holy shit - side note?  The little kids who scream all day moved out from next door yesterday!  I'm not kidding - 30 minutes later?  3 different one plus a fucking baby that they let cry ALL DAY ON THE PORCH moved in.  Haha what the serious fuck.  Right now one of them has literally - I'm not kidding - literally been screaming - a high pitched scream for 3 minutes straight.  Okay she stopped.  Oh boy.  I was so sad those kids moved out.  I guess I had a reason to be since these kids seem even MORE obnoxious!  Good lord.  Okay I am getting sleepy bye.

The Healing of Hugh Hefner and Caturday.

Hugh Hefner died and I have been using him as a healing angel.  I was meditating one day this eek - I mean was it yesterday? He just died on the 27th - okay so I don't remember but - oh maybe it was the next day.  Yes - or the day that he died?  ANYWAY I was meditating and I was in pain and I asked Hugh Hefner to help me and I felt a surge of healing energy come into me.  Surge is an exaggeration - a bunch of healing energy - a strong current of healing energy - that's it.  A current of healing energy and so now he is one of my healing angels.  I just realized he was all about the boobs so that seems perfect - or something - I don't know.  Maybe it was the medication.  I'm home on the couch.  I went to my ladies meeting this morning and celebrated my anniversary - it was great.  I really needed a meeting and I really needed to talk about the pills I was taking this week.  They made me so sick and I WANTED MORE.  I actually told myself while I was so nauseous and feeling terrible "That I just need to get past this part to get to the good part."  How fucking alcoholic is that?  Jesus.  Anyway.  My sister told me it's Caturday so she is going to send me cat videos to cheer me up.  I heard from the doctor yesterday.  It's not such great news - I need chemo.  So that's the next step.  She ended up taking out 4 tumors.  I have to say that I really was like wow - holy shit - this - I really fucking have breast cancer.  What the fuck.  I was so upset last night.  I was crying - my boyfriend was crying.  He's so upset to see me going through this.  It's got to be so stressful for him too.  They give coins at my ladies meetings for your anniversary right?  You pick them out of a bag.  My coin says "Change your attitude change your world."  I said oh that's a funny coin for me because I have a bad attitude.  And you know how I REALLY know that's true?  Because I was like "THIS COIN SUCKS."  Ha!  I was so annoyed I didn't get a more awesome coin.  SUCH AN ALCOHOLIC.  Someone offered to switch coins with me - how sweet is that?  I kept it though because honestly - that's what I must need to have.  Also it is everything, attitude.  My mother has a great attitude.  She has had a cataract in her eye for like 15 years that has never grown.  Maybe it's genetics but she is really someone who takes a punch and keeps going.  She has mad acceptance in her life.  A super strong connection to her higher power and an amazing attitude.  She's not in lala land either - she exists in reality.  I know I am not going to feel this way when I am sick from chemo but this is an opportunity.  It has to be.  I have no fucking idea what it is but it is an opportunity.  I would have thought I have changed so much.  I mean maybe but maybe not.  My thinking has really stayed the same all these years.  Much less crazy but still pretty negative.  Am I beating myself up?  Christ I hope not.  It's a though and an observation.  I have to say I am healing from the surgery and I feel a little better.  I mean it has to help to have that cancer out of me right?  Maybe I'm imagining it but I also feel a little clearer in my right frontal lobe when I meditate.  How fucking nuts is that?  I realized it the other day - like someone cleared something away in my brain or my mind.  It feels breezier.  Just - clearer.  Whatever.  I need to meditate right now - I didn't have a chance this morning.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Done and Waiting

I had the surgery and now I am waiting for the results.  They were so nice at the hospital.  Oh fuck you know I too a half a Percocet and now I feel a little gross I don't think I can write.  I have to take half because a full one makes me sick.  Okay I will write another time - love you Bluebie bye.

Day 2942.

It's sunny out today.  I woke up early to go to my ladies meeting and then while I was eating my toast I realized I was never going to make it in time.  I just also couldn't go.  I need to go to a meeting where everyone doesn't know what is happening.  I can't answer anymore questions.  I feel so anxious.  The mornings are definitely a very anxious time.  I'm way over-stimulated.  Anyway I just wrote in my journal and now I am writing in here.  On here?  Through here?  I am so fucking scared.  If I thought stage fright caused my fight or flight to kick in it is NOTHING compared to this.  This is like full on fight or flight.  Actually it feels like flight flight flight.  Holy fuck.  I'm like high off of it actually.  Anyway I have things to do and food to cook.  I think I will feel better once I get out of the house and run some errands.  I'm scared about what my body is going to look like but oh you know what I just realized?  I have all these booklets they gave me - all this stuff to read.  I will read that stuff.  I just want to be able to dance again.  Holy shit.  This is the craziest challenge and honestly I don't know if I can do it.  Yesterday I was really freaking out - I mean honestly and truly I was like I can not fucking do this.  It got better as the day went on - I got organized and I have no idea what - it shifted.  Now it's back.  Okay I guess it's waves and it's so gross.  Maybe I should meditate a few minutes again.  It was really hard this morning - I could barely focus.  Yeah I am going to do that.  Everyone keeps saying to turn it over.  Just breathe and turn it over.  All of it.  Everything.  I don't know if they said that but I'm saying that.  Yeah okay I'm going to take a few minutes.  I feel like there is something I should do but I just don't know what it is.  How could I possibly know how to get ready for something like this?  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

A Penny Has Two Faces

Do you remember or did you ever watch that movie White Nights?  With Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines?  I must have watched that movie 40 times.  Maybe it was 14 times but it was as many times as I could watch it.  I had the soundtrack - on CASETTE what?  There was a song on the soundtrack called "The Other Side of The World" and the first lyric says "A penny has two faces, when one of them you have to chose - between two places - one must win an one must lose."  Chaka Khan baby!!  Um I just looked it up to make sure that was the right song and got completely lost in videos from the movie.  The dancing is so fucking awesome.  OKAY WHAT WAS MY POINT?  I have no idea.  some thing about how things totally suck right now yet I can chose to not see it that way if I want.  I have health insurance, I am being taken care of and I am loved.  It's always a choice I guess.  I have a friend - let's call her Blurgon because that's her name.  Ha no.  Her name is not Blurgon but it rhymes with Blurgon.  Ha not it doesn't.  It doesn't matter.  She has been my tenth step buddy for years - yeaaaars.  I give a lot of my time to this woman and she has given me a lot of time although not as much.  As soon as this happened she seemed strangely distant about it but more than that - the last couple of weeks she just calls me, yells about her husband, we do the tenth step and then she says thank you.  Doesn't even ask about me.  It doesn't matter,  Okay that's a lie it totally matters - it's so hurtful.  But guess what? I have never asked that much of her - out of fear.  Fear that she's better than me, that she has too much to do, a bigger life I don't know.  But guess what?  I asked for 30% and now in a time where I honestly and truly need support?  She's not showing up.  But why would she?  I have never really asked her to.  It's so gross.  And this - THIS IS MY PATTERN.  I don't do it with men anymore I just do it with friends.  Good God.  Well anyway I am have been crying all morning on and off.  They are going to take a lot out of each boob - I am so fucking sad and scared.  I just can't imagine having a friend tell me that they have breast cancer and then for WEEKS never asking about even after a phone conversation.  Do I matter so little to this woman whose phone calls I take ALL THE TIME?  Yes I still have PMS.  IT doesn't matter what I would do what matters is what I accept and I do not accept this.  So anyway I realized while I was writing in my journal that I have people who aren't or can't show up but guess what?  There are so many other people who have honestly and truly shown up for me.  Could I say something to her?  Yes and I am sure she would be receptive but it feels exhausting.  Exhausting and terrifying and just I don't know.  Haven't I been exhausted and terrified enough lately?  I am allowed to feel disappointed.  I am allowed to feel wildly disappointed and not have to be responsible for this relationship.  She's a grown-ass woman in multiple programs.  Regardless I have a choice to see what is good in my life right now far outweighs what is hurting me - at least people-wise.  This surgery is finally going to be next week and I am - I don't know.  So scared.  I'm going to go for a walk.  It's sunny out - it's a beautiful day.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am also allowed to feel grateful, loved, hurt, scared, bewildered, confused, kind and tired.  All of it.  Bye.

PS.  Okay I went for a walk and it's well over an hour later.  I just have to say I - omg what?  What in the fuck am I trying to say?  Look - Blurgon doesn't know I'm upset and I have never told her the different times I have been upset when she's been super selfish and self-centered.  This is my bizarre pattern with people.  We tell them how we are to be treated.  And listen how she is acting is a reflection of her not me - but I'm the one that accepts it or not.  Anyway I realized on my walk that it's time I chose me in every way.  That is what other people do.  It's my alanon disease that tells me I have some sort of overdeveloped sense of responsibility for other people's feelings.  I deserve to have in relationships what I give.  God fucking Lord do I have PMS or what?  Maybe I am just having actual appropriate feelings to people's shortcomings.  Maybe!  God let me please let this go.  I have so much else to worry about.  So many other places to put my energy.

I guess.....

I have to decide if I want to live.  That's it right?  I mean I have to really fucking decide.  The doctor called me today and explained what needs to be done and a big chunk (barf and not her wording) needs to be taken out and I can do that or the other thing.  Because they don't know till they operate what's going on - that's all - and more might need to be done later.  More and even the big deal thing.  I can't write it!  I just can't.  Anyway she gives me these options and then was like "What do you think?"  Ha.  Or not ha I don't know.  I asked her what she would do if she were me and she said lumpectomy.  she told me to think about it.  I called my therapist, two women who have had this and my boyfriend.  And my mother.  Okay so I decide lumpectomy and then it was the end of their day and I still don't have surgery scheduled or at least I don't think so.  Meanwhile I somehow write a little bit and work on my jokes, get myself showered (finally) and go do a show.  It was great.  It was such a fucking relief to do a show.  So much fun.  Then we went to another club, watched some comedy till my friend flipped out and needed pizza.  I drove her home and came home.  I sang in the car on the way home.  Then I get here and I have been fighting this cold right?  I mean ever since this happened and I started to take all the supplements and stuff from the Snake Doctor I have been getting this cold on and off again.  It also seems like when my body is trying to recover from the tests that I get the cold again.  ANYWAY so I get here and I am trying to figure out if this shit is in my lymph nodes or not - you know like is this cold because of that?  Is that why my back feels a little funny?  Ugh anyway - who the fuck knows?  I can't figure out an answer because really the only way anyone can figure it out is by operating on them.  Or whatever - biopsying them?  Then I think about how I need to keep eating healthy and then I just realized this, and I have thought it many times but it was very clear to me that I have to fucking decide I want to live.  Really.  I want to live and I want to heal and I want to get out of my own way to let that happen.  Is that my answer?  I think that is still part of the question.  When I was driving into the city tonight my fight or flight was so fucking kicked in and I just was like holy shit I have breast cancer.  What the fuck?  What the fuck is that?  Not one person in my huge family has ever had any cancer of any kind.  And so what?  It doesn't matter - I do.  I do and I need to decide if I want to live and then I need to decide I really want to live.  I think I'm tired now. 

Exhausted.

I went and got the MRI this morning - good Lord that was rough.  It was a much smaller machine and how the fuck do people do those who don't meditate?  I kept saying "I can do this it's going to save my life" over and over and over again.  As I write this though I'm not sure if that's true but I had to tell myself that to get through it.  I felt my father there.  A young version of my father.  I almost started to cry and then I had to stop because if you move the tiniest bit they have to start over.  I smelled so bad.  I couldn't take a shower this morning and I haven't been wearing deodorant because of the tests.  I kept saying "Oh I smell so bad"  hoping she would say no you don't!  But that never happened.  Anyway I am home and on the couch.  The guy went with me and was so nice.  Okay so I had to cancel the podcast tonight which is a bummer but I just can't drive into the city.  I bled everywhere last night - I need to rest.  I think I need to take a nap.  I started to watch the video they sent me about the operation and I had to turn it off.  I was like whoa - can not take anymore today.  Or at least not till later.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe when I find out for sure when the surgery is!  Okay love love bye.

Rewind.

I can't sleep.  Okay fine.  I laid here in the dark for over an hour and finally got back up and turned on 30 Rock again.  I obviously needed to write for some reason about my rage from an innocuous email not answered.  Um okay.  It's not even real but I do go to people who don't have a lot to give a lot but that isn't the point right now!  I have so many people in my life who love me and care about me.  The real me!  The absolute real me.  And they were so nice at the hospital today and really listened to me.  I'm not sure what I'm saying.  I calmed down and I think I would like to be less negative.  WAIT!  LESS OF A VICTIM OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW I HAVE GIVEN THEM ANY POWER.   Oh my God why did I drink coffee this afternoon?  I was just distracting myself I guess.  Okay so how am I going to be nice to myself?  Good to myself?  Is this an alanon thing?  Is this a thinking too much about myself thing?  Is this A RIDDLE THAT CAN NEVER BE SOLVED??  Who gives a fuck.  I mean not what it's about but why.  I do need to be nicer to myself!  I demand it.  I demand better treatment from my brain.  Maybe I can sleep now - xoxo.

Ugh.

I am okay - I just have to say but I'm in pain.  The biopsy I had today did not hurt until later and then and now it hurts a lot.  But I'm okay - I'm just tired and my life has just - stopped.  I go to meetings and go help the kids with their homework but I am not creative at all.  Oh I am feeling sorry for myself!  Just realized.  Also I reached out to that fucking acting teacher of mine - the hot one....the hot one who gives mixed messages, sometimes communicates, sometimes doesn't and straight up has always been confusing?  That guy?  For some sick reason I sent him a totally innocuous message about me having some health issues and how I should be better by November.  I then waited all day for a response and WHY?  I didn't ask for anything and I certainly didn't say "Hey - I have breast cancer and I feel vulnerable....can you feel sorry for me and give me some sort of validation?  Thank you!"  So what the fuck did I want?  I do this and have done it for years.  Go to these people who don't have much to give, are self-centered and confusing in their communication (ie hot and cold) and just KEEP TRYING TO GET THEM TO MAKE MY CHILDHOOD FEEL BETTER.  Holy fucking barfness.  And guess what?  I deserve better.  I AM A REALLY NICE PERSON AND FRIEND.  AND I AM FUCKING FUNNY AND TALENTED.  I deserve better that's it.  I wish I could suck that stupid email out of the ether the way they sucked that stuff out of my boob today in the biopsy.  I'm sure I will do it again and who cares?  I'm a human being and this is one of my flaws.  But who gives a fuck?  SOME PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE AND EAT THEM.  Or some people - like Barbara Driscoll - stalk people and just act like a completely batshit crazy annoying make up their own rules nutcases.  So I keep asking people who have made it clear to me that - what?  That things aren't clear and they don't have anything to give.  Or only once in awhile and I never really know when that is.  Wow - I'm angry.  Am I angry at myself?  I hope not.  I think for once I'm not.  Do you know why?  Because people play mind games and are not responsible with their actions and behaviors.  Ugh anyway it's the repetition compulsion.  I just can't stand how I feel sometimes and I want that one person to make me feel better.  Well they never do.  Guess what?  For the few minutes I typed this my boob didn't hurt or I didn't notice it.  Okay gotta go watch New Girl.  No maybe I need to switch to 30 Rock.  Somehow that show is more realistic.  Holy shit I just took off my shirt and I had bled through my bra and the bandage.  My poor boobs.  It's okay.  Why do I keep saying that?  Because it is.  Jesus.

Day 2929

Wow - that's a lot of days.  Or not I don't know.  At this moment it seems like a lot of days!  Okay well I only made it through one biopsy - I was so out of my mind with anxiety that even though it didn't hurt I just couldn't do the other boob.  The other boob was the boob that hurt last time and I was DONE.  I was shaking and crying.  Haha I am laughing saying that because it didn't hurt - it was uncomfortable but I was just so terrified.  I did bleed a lot.  I mean A LOT.  Blood was spurting out of my boob and the nurse asked me if I had trouble clotting.  It was probably because my blood pressure was at a million over a million with anxiety.  Needless to say I have now cut back on coffee.  I don't think that was helping any.  Anyway I think probably what they biopsied is also going to be not good but it's in the same area as the other stuff.  Then next week I do the other side.  It's okay.  I just have to do it.  I don't even want to write about it anymore - it just has to be done.  Okay so now this is what I did yesterday and I'm not sure why I need to write this but for some reason I do.  I woke up yesterday and was super out of it.  I got myself together and went to my ladies meeting right?  I went to see the guy at his office and came home - I was so out of it I felt like I was tripping kind of - really in my head and just so so tired.  So I came back here and just sat on the couch, rested, drank tea, meditated twice, wrote a tiny bit in my journal and just - talked to people on the phone an rested.  the guy came home and we made dinner and watched like 5 episodes of 30 Rock.  That was it - went to bed early and woke up today feeling so much better.  It is the craziest thing.  I guess I took care of myself but it is so fucking counter-intuitive to me I can't even tell you.  I am just hard-wired to be hard on myself and in order to heal I think I have to - I don't know what but do something other than rest.  So anyway that's that.  My boob feels better and I feel better.  Next week will be scary but I just have to do it that's it.  Okay I am going to go shower.  Love you Bluebie bye. 

Anxiety Times A Billion.

Should I have said "Anxiety x A Billion?"  MAYBE!!!!!!  Now I can be anxious ABOUT THAT.  I am mother fucking terrified for tomorrow.  They cancelled my surgery for today.  After I went to the "training" course or whatever the fuck it was - teaching me about how the surgery is going to go and how I MIGHT DIE under anesthesia - the doctor came back from the hospital and told me I need more tests done.  So they are doing another 2 biopsies tomorrow - one in each breast guided by the mammogram.  I am so mother fucking completely scared out of my mind.  I was less scared for the surgery and I was SO SCARED about that.  It just hurt so badly last time.  I'm not sure how to do this.  I just took some Tylenol to see if maybe that will help beforehand.  My one boob still hurts - okay it doesn't "hurt" but it's still a little sore from the last fucking biopsy so I'm so scared for another one on top of it.  I don't know - should I ask them to do the one that might hurt less first?  Or save the best for last?  OH MY GOD.  How am I going to get the balls to do this?  They just aren't 100% sure of what is going on in my breast and they need more of a road map - I get it.  I don't totally get it but I get it.  And listen - even if I decided to go with an ALL NATURAL treatment - I would still need to know what's in there.  I'm not - I mean I can't.  How am I going to do this?  I'm just going to do it.  I'm going to ask them to numb my breast before they squash it into that mammogram - that's it.  Also I don't even know where they are doing the biopsies - maybe that will help.  Pray.  I'm going to pray.  I'm going to pray real hard.  Get on my mother fucking knees.  Ask those doctors to be the hands of God.  The gentle, loving hands of God.  In my mind - not out loud.  I AM WORRIED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!!!  How is that possible?  It's okay.  I'm utterly exhausted.  Big, big virtual hug.  Bye.

Concentration and The Inner Ear.

There it is.  Concentrate.  I keep seeing this word pop out at me everyday when I look at that bottle.  The Snake Doctor gave it to me to take 3 times a day.  That's not the point.  the point is that I think I'm supposed to concentrate.  Focus.  Concentrate on healing - on being in myself.  In my body in a healing way?  I have no idea really I just know I am supposed to concentrate.  I am trying.  Yesterday was my anniversary and the guy and I had a lovely day.  Oh update on his ex - he couldn't have her arrested because they didn't have whatever papers they needed in the computer.  So what was good is that he wouldn't have know that, unless that happened on Saturday and he went to the police.  There's other stuff but I don't want to write about it right now.  I need to concentrate.  Focus and concentrate.  Oh man - it's so hard to do.  When I was meditating this morning to the Oprah/Deepak meditation I believe he said it's not hard to focus in meditation.  If you are using a mantra?  Something like that.  Ha!  That's why I have to listen to things over & over again - I just can't hear stuff sometimes.  Anyway about the Inner Ear........

I went to the doctor on Thursday - the primary care physician for my pre-op appointment.  I was sitting on that table waiting for the doctor and looking at a poster of the inner ear.  It also had the outer ear but the focus of the picture was the inner ear - right?  Well I was looking at it and then I really looked it.  It's like a symphony of stuff going on in the inner ear!  Twirls and turns - gadgets and - STUFF.  I am trying to be flowery in my language and it's not working.  It doesn't matter - what matters is that the design of the inner ear is AMAZING.  I was really blown away - I got lost in the design - I was like holy shit look at that!  Then all of a sudden I thought "How could someone look at that and not believe in God?"  That's it.  I was like that can't have been designed by mistake.  I don't know.  I always get it when someone doesn't believe in God - always.  But for me it's moments like that - that I really do believe.  I don't know what that means. I don't understand anything....but for some reason that fucking inner ear picture helped me and made me think there is a higher power - higher powers - something and it just made me feel more love.  I don't know - this probably doesn't make sense and it doesn't matter.  I'm so scared.  Now not so much about the surgery but about what they are going to find and what I will need done after.  Oh that's weird actually that I wrote I can't hear stuff sometimes and then I talked about my Inner Ear God Moment.  Hahahaa.  Christ.  Drama.  Okay I need and want to get on the treadmill.  Love you Bluebie bye.

This again....

Well - omg can you even believe it?  I am going to write about his ex again.  Last week she called him - wait did I write about this?  I can't remember and I doesn't matter.  All that matters is twice now she has violated the order of protection and then today when we were sitting in an Alanon meeting she walked in.  I look at the guy and he has his eyes shut so I elbowed him because I am still not sure what she looks like - although now I'm pretty positive it's her and I Say "Is that your ex!?"  He says yes and gets up and I am like oh we are leaving and we leave right like that right?  We walk outside and I hear the door open behind us and I think that can't possibly be her right?  I turn around and IT'S HER.  I was like oh my God!  She's following us!  So he says something and I say no we are getting in the car.  I want zero confrontation.  Plus I am scared at this point - I mean what a fucking lunatic.  She has a full order of protection and follows us out!  Just like that - she didn't give a fuck!  We get in the car and he pulls out and she was gone - she must have gone back into the meeting.  Now I am at home and I don't feel well.  I already didn't feel good - I have been fighting this cold and that just knocked me down.  He is now at the police station trying to figure out what to do.  I mean I have SURGERY on Thursday but this woman needs to go to jail now.  It's okay that she somehow "ran" into us at a meeting she has never been to before or at least that I have known of - right?  But she fucking FOLLOWED US OUT.  Does any of this make sense?  Anyway.  I don't feel good now.  I felt a little better this morning but after that - not so much.  We have gone to that meeting for over 2 years and have never seen her there.  Do you know how I even recognized her?  She was wearing the same fucking outfit I saw her in a month and a half ago - at that woman's meeting where I took a picture of her car.  Isn't that so fucking bizarre?  I saw the shirt and pants as she walked by and was like oh that's odd - then she flipped her hair like she did in that ladies meeting and I was like WHOA holy fuck.  We were sitting in front of the door she walked in and there is at least 5-8 feet before she passed our chairs so she had to see him.  But she just marched right in that meeting anyway then as soon as we left she was like oh wait for me!  Let's talk this out!  Or whatever bullshit was going through her head.  How am I supposed to heal right now?  I need to get myself ready for this surgery and this woman is fucking nuts.  He just called and he has to go to a different police station.  Whatever at least he's going.  This woman does not deserve any more chances.  But also - there but for the grace of God go I.  I was a fucking LUNATIC when I was using and I still would be without the program.  Programs!  I have no idea why she can not just back off - does she have a brain tumor?  Is she on something hardcore?  I can't explain how bizarre it was to see that same outfit.  Does she only have one Summer outfit?  It's also 55 degrees today so it's not exactly Summer outfit weather.  Is this just the perfect distraction?  No.  It's scary.  She's nuts and she doesn't give a flying fuck.  She has been in Alanon for years - she knows he's in Alanon and I have never seen her at meetings until the last 2 months.  She lives in a completely different area.  She is trying to see us.  Okay, him.  Whatever - I just wanted to write this down so that there is a paper trail.  Once again Barbara Driscoll has created havoc.  If there was a full order of protection against me for someone and I saw them in a meeting I would - well first of all I wouldn't go anywhere near where I thought I might seen them.  She was not even the tiniest bit scared and that's what's fucking scary.  Fuck you Barbara Driscoll - you completely suck.  That being said I'm sorry you are suffering.  It sucks to be obsessed and not be able to control yourself - it really does.  I have been there (not like this) and not with the law involved or orders of protection - you have certainly taken it to another level BUT I do have compassion for you.  That being said - go fuck yourself one more time. 

I lost 20 pounds.

Not because of the cancer!  I have to start calling it circumstance again - or something else.  Barf.  I went to my pre-op appointment yesterday - they changed my surgery date to next week and had to rush to that appointment and the lady weighed me right?  She said oh you lost weight!  I had been there in the Winter or very early Spring I don't remember.  Anyway she sounded so surprised and I said oh how much did I weight and it was 20 POUNDS MORE THAN I WEIGH NOW.  Yikes.  I do not even remember that.  I blocked that shit out completely.  Anyway so I guess the diets have been working.  But of course they have!  I ate so horribly and at least twice a week I ate some version of cheddar burgers with French fries and mayonnaise - YUM.  Yikes.  Anyway.  Now I am not doing that but I am still eating yummy food why am I talking about this?  I am so, so, so very fucking scared for this surgery.  Scared to go under.  TERRIFIED.  Okay that being said I am so fucking grateful they changed the date.  Things are way better with the guy after 2 very long uncomfortable talks.  I have said it a million times I can not understand how anyone can be in a polyamorous relationship.  I absolutely and positively could not take as much time as you need to talk to someone you are in a close relationship that fucking much.  NO WAY.  No thanks.  I get the sex - I GET IT.  I just could not talk to that many people.  I just couldn't!  Why am I saying this?  No one is asking me to be in an open relationship!  My point I think is that it takes so much talking to be a healthy relationship - at least for me.  For us.  Anyway I think I am just avoiding getting on the treadmill.  It's my anniversary in 2 days.  8 years.  If I never got sober I would have never started to write on here and I certainly wouldn't have gone to the doctor for my regular check-up.  I guess the scary part is that I don't really know what is going to happen until they operate.  Also the radiation.  The pain.  Looking different.  How to stay healthy so it doesn't come back.  This is surreal.  What a crazy fucking thing. It also seems like it was always going to happen.  I don't even know what I mean by that but it does.  Maybe I am still in denial and shock I don't know.  I'm just glad I don't have PMS right now and I won't for the surgery.  Okay.  Love you Bluebie.

Man.

Men.  I love men.  I love man bodies and I love penises.  I like a big dude laying on top of me and I like hairy, muscled bodies.  I like the way men smell and I love big, rough man hands.  I dig men and I love fucking them.  That being said I can not imagine anything that has made me feel less sexy than this.  I don't feel sexy - I feel gross, damaged and broken.  You now wait I take that back.  My bottom made me feel pretty unsexy and being an active drunk was NOT hot although I spent a lot of time humping my radiator.  That being said this is rough and maybe some women get breast cancer and it doesn't effect their sexuality but it's effecting mine.  That being said it's rough with my guy.  I never would have thought he would be like this with something so serious.  He seems to be minimizing it and basically falling short.  Maybe not now - we had a big, long uncomfortable and painful talk last night and maybe things will shift.  I woke up feeling awful and he felt way better.  I don't know.  My tendency is to want to just fucking leave.  I just want comfort and healing and he wants to have sex and have our lives just continue as they were.  Maybe that's the right thing but it doesn't feel like it.  It feels hurtful and just - I don't know what.  Who knows.  I got my period so things are better than last week and certainly better than Saturday.  I have no idea - I have never been in  healthy relationship that has been challenged like this and so I'm fucking clueless.  It just feels like he's being a dick but who knows.  It's a rainy day and I just want to go back to bed.  Maybe I can't heal here with him.  Maybe he doesn't have it in him - lots of people don't.  At least he was honest.  I can handle that.  At least he wasn't making me feel like I'm crazy.  He seemed angry and he is.  He seemed resentful and he is.  I have no idea what the answer is or if there even is one.  No one is perfect.  I just want kindness between us but I also want him to go fuck himself.  Hmmmm that's confusing.  Whatever - Christ I feel guilty even WRITING this - what the fuck is that???  I need to let myself have my fucking feelings and right now I feel disappointed and hurt - that's it.  Do I think he's malicious?  NO.  Does he love me?  Yes I know that.  He seems angry he isn't getting what he wants and that feels fucking hurtful and gross.  So I have no idea what to do or how to help heal myself or us.  What a mind fuck.

The WORST.

I am trying to be positive, I am trying to BE POSITIVE but this is the fucking worst.  If you think PMS fucking sucks normally - add cancer to it - it's other level fucking horrifying.  The guy and I went for a walk in the park earlier and it was one of the worst experiences I have ever had in my life in one of the most beautiful settings.  Fuck.  Just fucking awful.  He's angry and just pushing and doing too much.  That stresses me out then I get upset then he freaks then I shut down and then IT'S THE FUCKING WORST.  He is just one of those enraging people who does shit when he' upset - just go go go.  I want to HEAL and his energy is so INTENSE and he just seems angry all the time.  Right now?  HE'S VACUUMING.  IN HIS UNDERWEAR.  It's 10:00 o'clock at night!  Are you fucking kidding me?  He could vacuum tomorrow right?  Or never?  Who cares!?  We are doing the podcast here tomorrow and yes I wanted to do the dishes and have clean bathrooms but Jesus.  I need some help.  Like a miracle.  I mean for my hormones.  I need a fucking hormonal miracle.  Oh my God he stopped.  Thank God.  Who complains about someone vacuuming?  ME.  MEEEEE!!!  BECAUSE IT'S ENRAGING.  I feel like I can hear his screams inside the vacuum cleaner.  Too much?  I'm just overly sensitive and I'm a mess.  I'm doing all the things....talking to people...asking questions, going to meetings, taking phone calls, doing service fucking BLAH BLAH BLAH.  IT SUCKS.  I'm such a disaster normally when I have PMS and this is just the worst.  Whatever.  I don't want to feed this cancer with my anger but aren't I allowed to be angry?  And why can't he just be calm and CALM.  When we were walking in the park he was walking so angrily I had to cover my ears.  His sneakers crunching the stones was making me literally insane.  Oh God.  Hopefully I can sleep tonight.  I am taking so many supplements that any day now I should be able to levitate.  I look awful.  I need a miracle.  A hormonal, cancer free miracle.

Taking a few minutes.....

to write on here......I am waiting for the doctor to call me to see what to do next.  I am hoping and praying for a date for surgery and no more tests.  The biopsy came back negative from Monday and my genetics test also came back negative.  These are good things and I was relieved but I really, really want to move forward.  Although the idea of surgery is terrifying.  I told my mother who was so sweet and kind.  Strong.  Loving.  My crazy sister was even sweet and supportive.  I guess you just never know how people will react to these kinds of things.  I went and did shows last night - that was great.  I think I have to lay down for a minute - talking to my mother wiped me out!  I have to go see those kids for a couple of hours.  All I do right now is make them lunch, do the dishes and play that video game with the middle one.  Ha.  It's THE BEST JOB EVER.  Then I drop them off at tennis.  Okay I am laying down - love you Blubie bye.

Choice.

I have a choice right now - I think - on how I want to deal with this Circumstance.  Is it annoying I'm calling it that?  Is it annoying I'm asking that?  Ha that just made me laugh.  Anyway you know mentally and spiritually I have a choice.  IS this an opportunity?  A challenge?  I don't know - is this - dare I say - a positive thing?  I don't fucking know.  If I am a co-creator with god and the Universe it's whatever I want it to be I guess.  There have been lots of people so far who have said THINK POSITIVE and I wanted to punch them in the face.  Then one woman - I don't know why just said to think positive, to try to think positive and that she doesn't have tie to let it take her down and I don't know why but it made me feel better.  This is what Louis L. Hay says about Circumstance of The Beasts......"Deep hurt.  Longstanding resentment.  Deep secret or grief eating away at the self.  Carrying hatreds.  What's the use?"  YIKES RIGHT!?  So that's the metaphysical (I think) reason for The Breast Circumstance and the mantra you (me) are supposed to say is "I lovingly forgive and release all of the past.  I choose to fill my world with joy.  I love and approve of myself."  Sigh.  Okay.  I have a stereotactic biopsy yesterday....they put your boob in a mammogram and then do a biopsy and it hurt so bad I yelled.  I was shaking like a leaf.  The Novocain didn't work for some reason.  The crazy part was once the pain was over I was okay spiritually.  It really fucking hurt - worse than anything I can remember feeling - physically but it didn't wound my soul.  So fucking weird.  Anyway I have made a crazy realization that many of the resentments I carry are from people who I FEEL (I'm not saying they did - who the fuck knows) told me I was wrong - AS A BEING ON THIS PLANET.  So.  So okay and so what?  So now I'm in today and here I am.  I have The Breast Circumstance and a bunch of resentments that have confirmed my feeling of low worth.  LOOOOOW.  So what?  It's a mess I can clean up if I want to or not.  What do I want to do?  I have a choice.  We always have a choice even though it doesn't seem like it.  What's the lighter brighter kinder choice?  If I was reading this I think I would think "What choice?  GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!!!"  Anyway my computer is about to restart!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Raining.

It's raining.  Is that a powerful title or what.  Oh you know what it stopped.  The genetics lady just called and they approved the genetics testing for me which  means it's going to be about 2 weeks before I know when I will have surgery.  Is that true?  I have no idea actually.  I am going to see a woman today who is going to "educate" me...I think?  Honestly I don't know what she is going to do.  They asked me to be part of some study and I said yes.  It's about stress levels during this.  I think I can say I am pretty stressed.  And exhausted.  My energy level is at like nothing.  Which honestly isn't saying much since I was tired already.  Well I just sent the Snake Doctor an email asking him what that might be about.  Googling isn't always helpful because people say lots of scary things but maybe I should do some research?  Not now I have to get ready.  I have horrible PMS and I can't do anything about it since I have that biopsy Monday.  Oh my God - I looked up what kind of biopsy it is and - they lay you face down on this table with your boob poking through a hole and then they raise the table up and do stuff to your boob.  IT LOOKS FUCKING CRAZY.  Once again I am not even sure why I am writing right now.  I guess I just wanted to express my terror and frustration.  That almost made me laugh because it's so fucking dramatic.  It is however how I feel.  I guess the exhaustion is what worries me - like I might be sicker than they realize or something?  I have to say though that I am not sleeping that great and all of this is so overwhelming.  Changing my diet - waiting to hear what is happening now with my other breast while this one waits to be operated on.  Yeah okay that's making me tired.  I have to go get ready to do this - whatever it is at the hospital.  I hope that woman who is the "breast navigator" isn't there.  She was so aggressive.  Holy fuck.  All she did was talk about herself and whatever.  I am sure some people really need that when they are going through this.  A distraction.  It would have been nice if she asked me if I was okay or if I needed anything.  Oh no!  PMS!  I'm trying to replace the PMS with God.  I'm pretty sure it's not working since my mind keeps slipping back into negative thinking and obsessive thoughts.  At least I know that's what they are.  Yeah right.  That's good.  I know it's just my head going in the wrong direction - not something I need to focus on.  Is that me being hard on myself?  I think I am hot - is it hot in here?  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.