100% Flipping The Fuck Out. Completely.

I am supposed to start chemo next week.  It's the strong kind because my lymph node had the bad cancer in it.  I just haven't gotten to a calm place about - I still am freaking out worried this isn't the right thing to do - that maybe I should try something else - the natural path.  I am seeing the snake doctor today and hoping with everything in me that he can help me to calm down and guide me in the right direction.  I can't go in there for this treatment freaking out.  I just can't.  But like I said - I am flipping the fuck out.  The side-effects are so awful and losing my hair is the least of it.  My nails will turn colors and I will probably go through menopause.  But the worst part is that I am just so aware and seeing so clearly at this time of panic (once again mind you I am seeing this) the different disappointing relationships I have in my life.  Not the guy - the guy has been so great - even if he has reacted and been - human at times - he has been so supportive and loving.  I just was crying hysterically and he was SO NICE TO ME.  Held me, listened to me, told me I am doing the right thing.  I said I was sorry he had to deal with this and he said it's worth it because he loves me.  WHEN HAS THAT EVER FUCKING HAPPENED?  I don't know why I am yelling I'm a mess.  Anyway it's the friendships and my sponsor.  They are just disappointing relationships where I get 25% of what I need.  And this is how I always was when I dated before.  Or whatever you call all those dysfunctional relationships I had.  Was it dating?  I have no clue.  But they were always disappointing.  I have to be brave and leave space for something else by not having anything.  That's it!  Nothing is better than only something.  At least for me.  I don't even know if I am making sense or why I am talking about this.  I know why.  Because it's so clear to me this is how it is.  This panic about my life - my actual LIFE is making me see where there isn't nutrition.  That being said I am also freaking the fuck out and reactive.  REGARDLESS - people are fucking disappointing and I have settled for it for so long because it seemed better than nothing.  Well clearly I am not calmed down yet and let's face it if I was I would be a fucking lunatic.  Would I?  I would be because then I wouldn't be being honest about what a huge thing this is.  Jesus Christ do you know what is so crazy?  I feel like while I am writing this I don't want anyone to feel bad.  I am trying to honestly and truly say how terrified and freaked out I am and at the same fucking time trying to figure out how not to say it harshly or upset anyone.  Then what is the God Forsaken Fucking POINT of writing this?  I am fucking terrified.  I still don't have that gut feeling that putting myself through 5 months of poison is the right thing.  I don't know what the fuck to do.  I'm going to drink some more water.  I went to a meeting this morning - I prayed and meditated.  I cried, I had sex and I had an egg sandwich on gluten free bread.  WHAT ELSE CAN I DO???  Okay I was joking when I wrote that.  I'm going to take a shower.  Persevere.  Today I will go forward as best I can.  I have a show tonight thank God.  Hydrate my inner body and outer body.  That's all I can focus on right at this moment.  Love you Bluebie bye.