In other boring news...

yesterday I kept seeing these couples that match each other - I see them all the time.  It occurred to me that I can't find someone to match me until I know who I am.  That's all.  Ugh - I feel so gross and the women are SO NUTS today.  A woman came in who was drunk - or tipsy at least - red cheeks - exaggerated movements - booze smell wafting out of the dressing room - so sad and bizarre.  I mean - I was her you know?  She looked really great in what she tried on but she thought it didn't look good and she kept saying "If you had it in a large I would totally take it - in a heartbeat!!"  Okay - great.  Then she said "Order it in a large!!" like this is fucking McDonald's and I can just do that.  We had it in a large lady - we don't anymore - the end.  I guess part of me was jealous - how does she get to be drunk in the middle of the day?  I don't know - I am so sexually frustrated - holy shit.  I just want to go home and lay down - I so totally have my period.  No way - is this lady drunk too - I will just flip out.  What the fuck.  Okaaaaayyyyy - what's good?  I'm reading a great Stephen King book - totally into it - love horror - love it so much.  Love you :Bluebie bye.

Eye make-up remover and feelings.

Holy fuck - I feel so stupid.  I used Vaseline to take off my eye make-up last night instead of the eye make-up remover I was using and my eyes are SO MUCH BETTER TODAY.  I'm not even fucking kidding.  I mean I thought my eyes were red and sore from the second hand smoke and I'm sure it doesn't help - (which is what the eye doctor said) but it was just INSANE.  The shape of my eye was changing!!  I know that sounds dramatic but it's fucking true.  I was poisoning my own eye balls.  It's just like being a drunk - why am I so sick - oh because I'm dumping poisonous fluid into myself and my body, spirit and soul don't like it and can't THRIVE in it.  Well anyway - that's why I have always only liked natural products and food - I guess except drugs and alcohol - fuck - but I am SO sensitive.  Jesus - a year after using this stuff and I finally realize I can't use it.  I was so PROUD of myself for taking my eye make-up off before bed.  I never used to do that - not really.  Okay - so - whatever.  Here's the other thing - I was on the phone with someone this morning and I got annoyed and mad.  They switched something for umpteenth time and I get really scattered when things get switched constantly that are supposed to be a structured thing.  This person has also gotten upset with me when I forget after it's been switched and it made me SO FUCKING MAD that it's switched again.  This is my point.  It's annoying and I'm fucking allowed to be annoyed and have my feelings about it.  This is my final frontier I swear to God.  To have my feelings but not act on them.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING ANNOYED ABOUT SOMEONE WHO IS ANNOYING.  Fucking BOOM.  This is where I'm so alanonic I guess.  This is what it feels like though.  This person wants all this structure but then just changes it all the time and expects me to be really structured about that and I don't know - that seems unfair and - imbalanced.  I don't know - there's something else there but I can't figure it out right now.  Something good?  I went to dinner last night with some new friends and it was really nice.  Very uncomfortable and I didn't want to go but I was so glad I did.  I had a made a commitment and I kept it and I was so very glad I did.  GOD MY LIFE IS SO FASCINATING RIGHT NOW.  Bye Bluebie Ilove you.

So ugh.

I don't know - SO ugh?  No - I guess not - things are better - I have PMS but not horrendous PMS - I just am tired but it's okay.  I'm here at the store although I was almost an hour late - the traffic was terrible and the bus took forever.  I went on 2 auditions yesterday and one was pretty decent - she really seemed to like me and worked with me for awhile and the one was fine - I could have looked better but it was hard to dress for both auditions.  I'm just so desperate for money.  I haven't paid my July rent and - I don't know - I'm not making any money.  It makes me so worried I'm not doing the right thing.  I paid my bills - I just haven't paid my rent.  I just want to lay down and read my book.  How do people do this?  I'm just - sad.  I miss the dog - her company - so much.  I saw a credit card ad on the subway today and I really considered getting one.  I get the offers in the mail all the time and I had a dream about a credit card last night.  I dreamed that I had one and I took it out to pay for something and I thought "Oh wow - I didn't even know I had that!"  Then I got a really bad feeling on the subway as I thought "I am just going to get a credit card."  Because that's where all the trouble starts.  Look if I'm not meant to be a working actress then I won't get any paying jobs and I will do something else - but I can't know that right now - it is going to take more time.  Also - fuck - how much more stressed out will I be charging shit to a credit card??  FUCK.  No - I shouldn't have to do something bad in order to do something that I want in my life.  I want to have good - not bad.  It will never work out that way anyway.  I have to trust.  I'm the worst at trusting.  I'm a bad truster - I really am.  Oh well - well - I can eat today - that's good.  I'm going to trust that I will be taken care of somehow - does that sound stupid?  Oh dear God - they are smoking outside of the door - I feel like I am going to die from the smoke - it's so gross.  Okay - I'm a mess today - it's okay.  Do you want to know a GOOD THING?  I got the mildew smell out of my towels with vinegar and baking soda.  So - see - EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.

Well here's to taking a pause and doing it more often.

I saw some family today and one of them asked me about my blog - this one and I said how it's anonymous - you know - because it is.  Then after the visit I thought I should tell them and  instead of writing tot hem which is what I really thought was a great idea - I wrote to my sister to ask if she thinks it would be okay to which  she calls me right away and says "Are you out of your fucking mind??"  So that was a good move on my part - pausing and then asking for advice.  That video I shot last night was so much gay sex - I made out with this one guy on camera - who I was supposed to make out with and I'm not kidding - he's gay but still - I tried to French kiss him and he kept his mouth shut - super tight.  Then when it was over he was furiously whipping my lipstick off his face.  Um - can you imagine - HA - anything more mortifying than trying to French kiss someone and they are like - um - no bitch - I don't think so.  WOW.  I shot more of the web series today - behind the camera - that was a blast - hilarious.  So - so - I've been busy and I still haven't paid my rent for July.  When I was doing all of this years ago - I could never balance out - I mean - I wouldn't be writing on here right now - I would be getting high.  Oh why - why do I talk about that?  It makes me so sad.  I am just so happy I just can come home and get in my pj's and get ready for bed, do Yoga and go to sleep.  Isn't that so beautiful??  I can floss - amazing.  My friend made us a Filet Mignon salad after we were done filming today and then I went to a meeting back in the city and afterwards a man asked me (I mean there's a social area - I wasn't on the street or anything) if I wanted a piece of cheesecake and he gave me a slice of the most delicious homemade cheesecake with chocolate something on top of it - what??  COME ON!!  That's amazing.  I seriously wanted to cry - it was so nice.  I mean he was giving everyone cheesecake but I REALLY appreciated it.  Sigh - I miss my little girl dog.  She seems so gone now.  K I love you Bluebie bye.

You want to know what?

I actually want company.  I actually crave human interaction - isn't that mind blowing?  I mean I don't always want the company I get when I'm working here, but it's better than nothing.  This man came in yesterday and looked at this top in the window (he was not gay - at all) said "Oh it's rayon - right?"  I said "Yes."  He said "Oh I don't know if she would want that on her skin......(dot dot DOT) would you want that on YOUR skin?"  I gave him a VERY dirty look and said "I don't know."  Gross - I'm in here alone - go away - go ask someone working with other people what they like against their skin you creeper.  Soooo - so that's that.  I want company - but not his I guess.  Whoa - bye.

Bored but at least I wrote a little.

I'm bored out of my mind here at the store right now but at least I just took some time to write and I was able to lose myself a tiny little bit in that.  I will work on my comedy next.  Why don't I just go ahead and do that?  It's such a beautiful day out - I wish I was at the beach with a lover and friends.  I'm going to shoot that video tonight - for the part of the voyeuristic wife.  So that's good right?  I just got tired.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Ugh - this job.

I'm at the boutique and - okay - I'm so grateful I have a job - I really am - beyond.  But she came in here the other day and FREAKED out on me and I just am having trouble getting over it.  I'm trying to no give her my power and listen - it was all her - for real.  She called me and it was really busy and said "I'm driving in from the Hampton's and I need you to print these reports for me - I will be there in 2 hours."  She tells me what they are - sort of - I have NO idea what she is talking about - I tell her I will do my best but it's really busy and I might not be able to figure it out.  She calls me back and says "Always help the customers - customers first."  SO I SOLD SHIT TO CUSTOMERS BECAUSE IT'S HER STORE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRINT OUT FINANCIAL STATEMENTS OR EVEN WHAT THEY ARE OR WHERE TO FIND THEM.  So what happens?  She comes in - yells at me for not printing out the right stuff - talks to me like I'm fucking retarded and says "I will email you things if you need to see it written out when you don't understand what I need."  I say I didn't know what you wanted and it was busy - I helped the customers.  She says - "Well you should have called QuickBooks and I say I DID THAT'S WHY THOSE REPORTS ARE PRINTED.  Then she yells "This is going to be the end of me!!  The end of me!!!"  She yells at me more - throws a fir - then tells me to call QuickBooks again - which I do and move as faaaar away from her as I can get because I was so physically jarred by her behavior.  It was like she was being a 3 year old - for real.  The she says "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?"  She's never here.  Then she says "When I need something done - whatever it is - I need it done."  This is the thing - she sat down and it took her about 2 hours to figure it out and did it herself.  If she didn't even know how to do it - how was I supposed to know how to do it?  So it's all good - I'm totally over it.  I have to go bye Bluebie.

Frustrated.

That's all - I'm just frustrated and tired and it smells gross in here.  I need to manifest better head shots into my life.  I got the part as the voyeuristic weirdo wife - only I can't do it - I have to work at the store.  So fucking annoying - both - that THAT'S the part I get and that I can't even do it.  Well - let's just go about this day.  Bye. p.s. I guess I should be grateful someone liked something I did - that's a start.

Having fun.

I went to an audition today - for a music video where the woman (me) gets this guy n a band to fool around with my husband and I'm going to watch.  SO they play the song and have the band player dance over to me and I flirt with him.  You know that side to side bob up and down AWFUL dance that white guys do?  That's what this guy was doing and it was so hilarious and awkward.  Only I'm supposed to be flirting with him and half way through I just lost it.  I don't mean I laughed - I just got nervous and uncomfortable.  All skakey and weird and not present.  Who cares - the great part was I went to the bathroom - took off my heels, put on flip-flops and went to do an open mike and went and watched another show and came home.  Also - I was better at talking to them before it started - WAY less awkward and I even made them laugh a little.  So that's something.  I just want a job - jobs - I'm so broke - it sucks.  I need to write something for myself - more than just comedy - that's all there is to it.  I'm so fucking glad I don't drink anymore - it was all so much harder when I drank and I would never just let myself leave someplace - it was so crazy.  I mean - after the show I went and watched - everyone was drinking and I just didn't want to even stay and so I left and it was wonderful.  Well I had fun though today - I did my work - met with my new sponsor - I took care of myself.  Now I'm home and I can get to work tomorrow and tomorrow night.  What am I doing?  I'm fighting - I guess that's what I'm doing - I'm fighting.  Fighting and not drinking.  I miss the dog still so much - it's so hard to come home to no her.  She was so sweet to come home to - so much love - so much sweet love.  Bye Bluebie - love you. 

Whelp.

Still haven't found a new sponsor but I feel so much better having not waitressed.  I spent all day going to meetings, I met my nephew for lunch and did some writing.  I'm exhausted.  I made myself dinner and ate too much and did the dishes AND flossed etc for bed.  Come on - that's amazing - when has that ever happened?  I DO THE DISHES - amazing.  I have to go to sleep bye.

Bored.

I cleaned all fucking day, got called off from work, went to a meeting here, made myself dinner, put highlights in my hair, hand washed everything that needed to be washed and went in the park for a second walk.  And watched a movie - that broke my heart - this guys pet monkey died and it was SO fucking sad - I could not stop crying for like 40 minutes.  5 minutes - I don't know - some minutes.  I miss her so much.  I am bored out of my fucking mind.  Well it's clean in here - I did all the floors - dusted and cleaned all the wood things - underneath the sink in the kitchen - on top of the refrigerator, the bathroom - all of it - UGH.  I wish I could have done this AND gone to the show.  I need to laugh.  She cancelled the shoot for tomorrow - so annoying and I'm going to film something else on Monday.  I need to write tomorrow - that has to happen.  I will have time now in the afternoon.  Isn't there a way to be healthy AND interesting?  Or interested?  Ugh - okay - bye.  Love you Bluebie.

How am I supposed to know what to do?

I need to clean and I also feel like I should be out doing comedy tonight - or at least going to shows.  The only thing is that I need to clean and I need to - be here - get my shit together and get up by 6:00 so I can go meet my nephew for breakfast - go to a meeting and be in Staten Island by 2:00.  I just can't do it all and I have to fucking clean - I just have to.  I just made myself a delicious lunch - a veggie burger with fresh guacamole on Ezekiel toast with mixed baby greens.  AMAZING.  For breakfast I had yogurt with fresh raspberries and ground flax & peanut butter.  Look - I don't know - I want to be type A but I want to be balanced - I want to jump head first into comedy again but my feet need to be on the ground and I need to take care of my programs - for real.  And I need a clean apartment.  Maybe I could get it done super fast and get downtown?  I don't know - let's see.  I feel confused but I went in the park and walked and I have plans to go to a meeting here.  I get very uncomfortable when I am not running around.  It's so fucking hot - okay bye.  Am I the most boring person?  I don't know bye.

Different.

I went to Staten Island today to do some camera work for my friend - it was fun and hilarious.  Then she drove me in to the city - downtown and I went to a meeting - it was great - much better than the one I went to last night where everyone was sooooo young - it made me so uncomfortable - I mean it was okay - but this way better - more my age group and it was so fantastic to do that work today and not go to the comedy club to work.  Holy shit and I didn't work there last night and I think I will end up being called off tomorrow night - how amazing is that?  I mean - I just am home now - I did some grocery shopping -watched some shows - I don't know - I guess I wish I was doing shows - but I needed to rest and I needed to clean tomorrow and - work on my writing.  How can I get more shows?  I need to stop writing - I'm so tired - it's so fucking hot - holy shit - after midnight and still - sooo fucking hot.  I miss the dog so much - oh my God - oh my lord.  I miss that little lady dog.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Ugh and Blech.

I'm so uncomfortable.  You know for the past 6 or so summers since I was a drunk and then got sober but was still toxic - I have been so uncomfortable in the summer.  This summer I feel better - I feel stronger - less toxic.  But emotionally - I'm so uncomfortable and after meeting that guy last night - that British man - so awkward.  Okay - let's just turn this into a positive okay - for real?  I was open enough to talk to someone and I did the best I could and - it's all experience and now I know more of what I want in a guy.  He was GORGEOUS also and  how long has it been since THAT'S happened?  A long time.  So.  I want a gorgeous guy with money and a great sense of humor who is fun and - available - ha.  Also it is going to take me some time to move out of my past behavior of trying to be someone who I am not - and for being embarrassed of who I am.  I'm also sad - I miss having a boyfriend and I'm upset that I lost my first love.  But so what?  I mean not so what but nothing is easy right?  I am so sexually frustrated - holy fuck.  How am I supposed to take care of that?  I think if I went to dance class it would help.  I know that sounds crazy but.  WHY DO I WRITE THIS??  What in the world am I doing?  Who knows - who cares.  I will just breathe and keep moving forward.  Maybe I'm hungry right now.  Jeez.  Jeez Louise.  Bye Bluebie.

Weird.

My phone died and because I have been paying for the insurance and the extended warranty I got a new phone for free.  I'm not sure how great it is - I will find out tomorrow.  I went on an audition tonight to be a cave woman and it was fun!  Then I went to do a show and I met this guy who took me into a bar and bought me a soda water and said "So this is weird I'm meeting a date."  HA - what?  He was fucking GORGEOUS and then they came and watched me perform.  What the fuck is that seriously?  It was SO FUN.  I also met that man and got his script for this reading I'm going to do and I read it on my way home and IT'S TERRIBLE.  Holy fuck balls - so bad.  This shouldn't be a shock since this is the guy who cast me as an Asian man.  WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?  This guy - holy fuck - he was so cute.  I was looking around trying to waste time before the show and he was like "You look lost....DOT DOT DOT"  Ha - wow.  So - yeah - that was weird but fun.  Do you know the best part?  My friend told me this long story today about a guy from Scandinavia?  Something like that - who she fell in love with - him not so much - and how this made her crazy.  That was a long story short right?  Well - so tonight - after this guy - made me uncomfortable sort of but was supportive of my comedy career - I didn't have to try to make it into something.  MAKE WHAT?  That he bought me 2 soda waters?  He was like "Let me buy you a drink and I said no - I don't drink."  So - yeah - I'm totally obsessed with the guy but I know it's never going to work because he asked me about one girl and brought another one to my show.  Plus I was uncomfortable.  WHAT?  I am seriously trying to evaluate my relationship with this guy.  WOW.  So - I have A LOT of work to do still.  Here's the great part - I did a super fun show!  I loved running around after work and I am home - I did some yoga and flossed and brushed and took off my make-up and made myself yummy rice & beans with some left over food.  How awesome is that?  How fun is that?  I mean that I can do that?  In my own kitchen?  I mixed up the rice & beans with sesame oil in a pan - friend it and then put it in a bowl with some blue corn chips and salsa.  Amazing - I'm so tired Good night Bluebie - love you. ps I don't think I made sense who cares.

I am so glad that bat shit crazy looking lady didn't just come in here.

Holy fuck balls what a horrible day.  I have totally raccoon red eyes from this free eye cream and it also looks like I am having a face allergic reaction to something - is it the mushrooms growing out of the ceiling of my bathroom?  I don't fucking know but that's happening too.  My sponsor broke up with me yesterday - which is fine and I'm sure for the best but it's not fun - it's not fun at all and now - now my phone has shut off and won't turn back on.  I spent an hour trouble shooting with 2 different companies that I finally realized didn't know what was happening - ha.  Fuck.  What else?  Well - nothing I guess.  I'm okay - I'm nervous about my eyes and my infected face - I did have hummus on Sunday and I know that doesn't work well for me but - it looks like - well maybe the eye cream was - what?  I have no idea.  Maybe I'm just having a hard time.  Fucking fuck balls.  What is good?  I'm sober - I did just talk to a woman who gave me her number from Facebook and called me here at the sore when I told her I needed help.  I'm at a job in a cute dress she gave me from here - thank God and I brought an apple and a Kind bar here with me and I have lots of water and I can eat today, I have an audition, a meeting to pick up a script and a show to do tonight so things are not that awful.  I'm just having a hard day.  Oh - I think I can check my messages from this phone.  Thank GOD I am here today.  Yeesh.  Thanks for listening Bluebie - love you.

Poem.

Poem, poem - who are you?
I'm a blog and so are you
I'm up I'm down I'm all around
I'm in I'm out
I'm filled with doubt
I'm trudging now
Long And Hard
I wish for you the same
gold card
What do I mean and who do I speak
I love so much though my love is weak
I climb I fall
I rally on
I'm here for now
I will live - till then.


FUCK YES!!!  Now THAT is a mediocre poem.  I like it.  I like you - no - I LOVE you.  Yes - yes that's it - I love you.  I switched the earrings in my ears - you know I put the left one in the right one and the right one on the left one - and now everything has changed.  It's a Christmas in July Earring Changing Miracle!!!  Bye bye my Blueberry Dream.

At the boooootique.

All I do is work - thank GOD.  So - so here I am.  I didn't take a shower - I worked a the club last night and I just woke up too late and my bus driver said I looked so beautiful today and "Thank you for that."  When I tell you he looked like Hispanic Captain Stubing - I am not kidding - he had on the Captain hat and everything - he was crazy and drove like a maniac and was saying happy birthday to people over the loud speaker.  It seemed like he stole the bus for real.  I mean I really don't look great today but I guess my colors are good?  HA - what?  Who cares - I loved it.  Then this man sitting next to me was FURIOUSLY looking through a magazine a ripping pages out - for a what seemed like his vision board.  He just kept whipping through the pages and passionately ripping out sheets and stuffing them in his leather case - what the fuck?  It was so bizarre - I just imagined him thinking "AND I want THIS fucking house - rip and stuff and I want THIS fucking car - rip and stuff."  Jeez.  Well so this day is super boring and I'm tired.  I hope I don't have to work again tonight because  I didn't bring my clothes with me - I need the night fucking OFF.  I need to take care of myself and I need a meeting and to go HOME.  Ouch - home with no dog - OUCH.  I have to stop writing now bye.

I need to get my God Damn Mother Fucking Power Back.

It has been almost 4 years since I have been fighting and struggling to get sober and get my life back on track and do not feel like the one thing I have done is get my fucking power back.  I'm fucking angry and annoyed and I want it back now.  I have worked too fucking hard to just whine away.  That's it - I don't even mean whine away - I mean FADE away.  Fuck that - fuck this.  I feel so gross and toxic - I mean - physically.  I shoved like 20 tater tots in my face super fast at work last night and I think it is KILLING me today.  Maybe I am just tired - I just literally feel like there is poison in my blood.  That fucking cigarette smoke can't be helping.  I made myself a beautiful lunch and I just drank a green drink and I'm having some green tea.  Hopefully this will help.  Grease?  I don't know - rage?  For sure.  I'm so tired but I couldn't nap.  I WANT TO BE AMAZING BUT I'M TOO TIRED AND ANGRY TO BE.  Hmmmm - maybe not.  Bye. 

Are you fucking kidding me??

I got up for this Skype audition - don't hear from them - he's having "Skype issues" whatever that is - he asks to Facetime with me - which I have no fucking IDEA what that is - he's calls me - we do the audition over the FUCKING phone - then pause - "We won't need you for this time - can I call you in the future for a different reading?"  Then I was all sing songy and nice and told him to have a nice day and he just hung up.  I'm so annoyed - it reeks of smoke in here - I'm so fucking tired and frustrated - and old.  I just got rejected for a reading of a serial killer.  What is WRONG with me?  Why aren't I getting any work and why am I even DOING this?  I love it - that's why right?  I just wish I didn't feel so sick and I'm so freaked out by this smoke.  I even went out and tried to find where it's coming from.  I think it might be the man below me - his back windows have this shade pulled down all tight with like soot all over it - like cigarette smoke looking stuff.  Okay - well - I did it - I got up, went to the grocery store and got myself coffee, ate a healthy breakfast, took a shower and put on make-up and did the phone audition.  HA.  I couldn't have done that a year ago so THAT'S GOOD RIGHT?????  WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK?????  I'm so sexually frustrated too - holy motherfuckness.  I need to exercise.  Jesus Fucking Christ - bye Bluebs - you're the tops.

I just got home from

this long ass double.  I worked at the store and then went right to the club and worked 2 shows.  The first one had 5 people and they were nice and I really needed that fucking money.  The second show was great and I made some money thank God.  I wanted to eat a salami grinder SO badly on the way home - or a tub of ice cream or a PIZZA - a WHOLE pizza or - anything - but I jut kept thinking "feel your feelings - just fucking feel them."  Then I went to Duane Reade, came home and cried.  I miss my dog so much - I miss her fur - her putting her head on my chest - walking her.  Okay - okay - I'm trying so hard.  I have really, REALLY been trying so hard at the store.  Do you know what I realized?  People try to come in and when I unlock the door I go "Ugh" - and then don't really smile at people and when they leave and don't buy anything I'm annoyed.  So now - they try to come in - I lean over and unlock the door and I wave an smile at them.  Duh - what is wrong with me?  How dare I be rude to someone who is just walking in?  So - so I'm just going to keep working.  Both jobs - everything - just keep fucking going.  I am worried about Diabetes.  I read an article about how fat is a cause of it and how it is bad for your eyes - did I write this already?  Are my eyes bad because I have a fat back?  I don't know but I have to not have one now.  I just can't eat whatever I want anymore - that's just it.  I was so good this week and brought my lunch and snacks everyday and cooked lots of food at home.  And I love doing that but I have to stop with the ice cream and late night shit - no more.  I can't be blind and right now - I have fat that hangs over my pants/skirt/underwear.  I can not lie to myself - I am - what?  No shaped right for fat - that's it!  Okay - I have a Skype audition tomorrow - I'm excited.  I have to sleep I am so tired.  The man with cancer is nice - I like him - I mean I don't know him but he was nice to talk to.  So maybe we can meet up - I don't know.  I can not believe how painful it is still without her - holy fuck.  It's almost deeper now - insane.  Well -okay bye - I love you Bluebie - in some way things are changing and getting better - I do think so - think so?  Feel so - I feel so - yeah - choose that one.  BYE.

I'm crashing.

Yesterday was a long day - her at the store, then I did an open mike, met with my friend who I'm filming that thing for and then I did another show.  I got home and I missed the dog so much - right now - I miss her so much.  Fuck now I'm crying but I think I'm - I don't know - I think I'm just exhausted.  I just looked up an old boyfriend - why did I do that?  Now I'm doing a double and I'm tired.  I'm tired and I'm so fucking poor.  What?  I'm not POOR but I'm not - what???  RICH with acting money??  How??  Now that I have been auditioning and submitting myself for 3 months for things - how has my life not completely changed?  I'm also so very sad about my sponsor.  I can't seem to call her.  I will call tomorrow - these days have been too erratic here at the store - it's just too awkward to have a conversation when I have to hang up because someone is barking at me "How much is that I don't have on my glasses??"  I need some water and a piece of chocolate - that's what I think.  I talked to a man on the phone my friend wants to hook me up with - he was nice.  He has cancer but I think he's going to fine.  He has cancer from 9/11.  When I looked at this blog while I was talking to him - when I looked at the page views (I guess I wasn't totally focused on the conversation)  - it said 9 views today - 11 yesterday.  Um - that's weird right?  It literally said 9-11.  I don't know - I don't know anything except I feel like if I told my sponsor that she would say something like "It doesn't mean anything - that is ridiculous."  How can I have a sponsor who doesn't believe in horoscopes???  I'm kidding.  Ugh - I'm so sad - I feel very alone.  Do you know what's great?  The shows last night - they were so much fun.  In the first show there was a guy who was really cute and it didn't throw me off at all - so that was wonderful.  I just MISS her.  Did I mention I'm in love with Will Arnette?  What is WRONG with me?  I'm a mess.  Ugh.  Okay - bye Bluebs.

2 new goals.

I need to get the fuck out of bed and I need a better attitude - for fucking real.  I went to sleep at 11:30 last night - which is like 9:00 p.m. for people who get up at 5:30 and I woke up at 7:00 - before my alarm went off and I just could NOT deal and went back to sleep - FORCED myself back to sleep until 8:45.  What is that?  I just couldn't deal.  Okay - so okay - also gratitude and love and calming down - committing and realizing shit doesn't happen overnight.  That's the better attitude part.  So those are 2 new goals.  GET UP IN THE MORNING!!  Now I can put myself to bed I need to GET UP.  I miss my dog - ouch - ouchity ouch - I miss her.  Wasn't I so lucky to have had her?  She was so fucking sweet.  I just almost wrote something negative but I'm not going to because I HAVE A BETTER ATTITUDE NOW.  Bye. p.s. I still haven't talked to my sponsor yet - so uncomfortable - so afraid.  Weird.

I'm back - I'm bored.

I have been watching different seasons of shows and I'm realizing - and I already knew this but I'm realizing it again - that comedians write themselves these shows.  They are often the writers and the producers.  I'm so bored, frustrated and confused.  Who the fuck am I?  I don't even know my fucking TYPE anymore.  The part I auditioned for today was for and old stripper who is a murderer.  "STILL SEEKING!!!"  Fuck.  Okay - so I have these 2 book ideas - short story ideas?  I don't fucking know - I need structure.  It's so slow and this is the perfect place to write and have some structure.  WHAT?  I mean this is at least the perfect place to organize myself and figure out how to have some structure.  I miss my dog - so barf.  When are they giving me back her ashes already?  ONLY FIVE MORE HOURS!!!!   AhhhhhhHHHHHhhhhhhaaaaa - awesome.

Blech.

I got in not one but 2 fights with my sponsor yesterday.  I should have hung up when I wanted to hang up and not answered the phone when she called back.  It was horrendous and I was having a bad day anyway.  She was really wired and wouldn't let me talk plus she was really condescending when I mentioned I got my chart read - she said (haha - it is funny) "Um - I'm sorry but I don't believe in that stuff and I can't have a conversation with you about it."  Okay - fine you don't believe in ASTROLOGY - that's TOTALLY fucking fine - I really 100% get it but she cut me off and she was condescending and it wasn't nice.  Again - I keep laughing because it's so silly but after I told her I was upset that she wasn't letting me talk and that - fuck - I'm so frustrated.  I got up at 6:30 to videotape myself for an audition this morning and then I just looked at one of the sites I submit myself on and it had another audition notice (for the same part) saying (haha AGAIN) "STILL SEEKING."  Awesome.  Well that's one way to get rejected.  I feel like I have to call my sponsor and apologize but also - she wasn't nice and when she called me back I felt like she threatened me - and again - wasn't nice.  Ugh - the beginning of the end I guess.  I don't know what was happening - I was standing on the street and it was SO loud - I literally could barely hear and it wasn't good - plus I was upset and hot.  Plus I was EMBARRASSED that someone had to say to me that they don't want to have any discussion about ASTROLOGY.  I mean I feel so stupid.  Jeez.  It just made me think she doesn't actually like me - at ALL - which is so - bizarre.  I just - I feel like I should call and apologize but I also never want to talk to her again.  This is healthy right?  Fucking fuckness.  "STILL SEEEKING."  Haha - oh my fucking LORD - I need a vacation or - or I don't know - to keep going.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.

Food.

I cleaned out the fridge yesterday and I cooked what was there to use it up before it was going bad - plus I was sad from working Saturday night and I needed some cooking therapy.  I made candied walnuts with honey and cinnamon, hard boiled eggs (I'm going to make egg salad today), made hash browns with blue & regular potatoes, made over easy eggs, caramelized onions with Vidalia & red onions, fresh guacamole with organic garlic and Vidalia onions and I ate the guac with blue corn chips.  Then I went to 2 meetings and felt SO much better - went to Whole Foods and got some things and came home and made spaghetti & meatballs in a red sauce with kalamata olives and ricotta cheese.  It was fucking unbelievable.  I had green olives stuffed with garlic for an appetizer and this amazing Hagen Daaz ice cream for dessert.  I felt like I was going to die after the ice cream.  So I'm eating my way through this sadness but I am also walking for an hour in the park everyday so - soooo - sooooo wow.  So I'm going to have to bump it up to 2 hours if I keep eating like this.  I just love to cook - it makes me feel so much better.  And the fact that I do the dishes is mind blowing to me.  Okay - I need to go in the park - I just worked with my Alanon sponsor and then I need to do laundry and figure out about my writing hours.  Is this so boring of a post or what?  Who cares.  Love you Bluebie.

I need work hours.

I need to structure my time so I have work hours.  I got so much done when I was waiting on set working on that show - I had these hours I just worked.  Okay - so I am going to do that.  Set up some work hours for myself where I just write, write write.  Okay - cool bye.  Not cool - it's hot - this is hot - it's hot outside and my work hours will be hot!!!  Fuck yes!!!  Bye Bluebie.

Birthday goals.

WHY NOT??  Here we go - this is what I want to do in this next year - this is scary but FUCK IT.

1. Write 2 books.
2. Get in amazing shape.
3. Save a shitload of money, pay of my debts and move to California or someplace where I can breathe fresh air and live right near the ocean - the gorgeous, clean, beautiful ocean.
4. Take amazing care of myself and my loved ones.
5. Get new, amazing, soul feeding, FUN jobs that pay me more money than I ever imagined.
6.  Keep letting my programs grow.
7. Create work where I am of service to the world while doing what I love to do.

That show that I saw last night (I had to stop with the goals it was making me nervous) was so wonderful and it made me think of how - how when one creates amazing work - that another is allowed to lose themselves in - it's SO generous, so loving and of such SERVICE to others.  It really is - it's such a gift.

8. Find love - real, wonderful, mind blowing yet feet on the ground love.  Haha - yeah.
9. Figure out what the fuck is up with that lampshade store.
10. Quit waitressing and TRUST that I will be taken care of (SCARY!!)


Bye.

96 Degrees.

Holy fuck!!  That's hot.  I'm at work and I have the lights down low and the air on.  I left the lights off till the air kicked in and now they are on low.  I refuse to sit here and suffer.  It's my birthday and I am making the best of it.  No one is out and about anyway - just a few dried up , grumpy people.  It's so sad - isn't it?  I feel like we either need to keep growing - constantly or just dry the fuck up.  EW.  I don't want to judge - but I don't want to be one of those people.  One lady who came in here just had that vibe of "I am not going back inside today until I make someone miserable."  Ha!  So weird.  I'm not sure what to do with myself.  I submitted myself for the few acting jobs they post on the weekends, I put on make-up, I looked at Facebook a million times.  Um - I don't know.  I ate too much but I stopped.  I wrenched my back getting a pair of underwear out of the drawer.  Ha!  Just to make myself feel a little older on my birthday - hurt my back picking up the lightest thing in the world - a pair of UNDERWEAR.  Jesus.  I used the air purifier last night and I thought it didn't work but my eyes look much better today so I think it did actually.  So that was a wonderful gift I gave to myself - that and I got new glasses yesterday and she gave me a prescription for drops to help with the irritation.  Which I have to pick up still because they didn't have it yesterday.  I just couldn't bare being home today without the dog - I miss her so much and it's not stopping.  I guess it never will but for now - it really hurts.  I have on a cute dress I got for 20 bucks from the gap and I'm doing my best.  Physically I feel better than I did last summer - less toxic, less bloated - less gross.  I have my apartment (as smokey as it is) to thank for that.  I can eat better and walk all the time in the park.  Okay - so I don't know - who knows what this year will bring - but for this day I am sad about my dog and grateful to still be sober and I feel blessed to have people calling me and sending me wishes for my day of birth.  The day I share with the Dali Lama and George Bush Jr.  So fitting.  Bye Bluebie - I love you!!

Whelp - I'm about to be 42.

That's right - the perfect age for fucking.  What?  I don't care - I love it - I finally don't give a shit what anyone thinks and I'm finally old enough to realize people lie and I can listen to myself and that I have more to offer than just a fucking hot body and some hair.  Don't get me wrong - I would like to have those too but self respect - self-esteem?  Whatever it is - I'm glad I'm getting to have that now.  I was thinking on my way home that - ugh - suddenly now - cigarette smoke.  What is - okay - I bought an air purifier but I think it can't handle the onslaught of smoke.  Anyway - being sober is one of the number one things I have always wanted in my life and I am finally starting to feel better.  I mean physically - I miss the dog still beyond but - I have been walking tons everyday and it helps.  I can't do this - I'm too fucking hot and the smoke is so gross.  I have to rearrange this room.  I had a lovely night - went to a weirdo, amazing, mind blowing, hilarious one woman show and then got a slice of pizza, walked around by myself and came home.  I have a double tomorrow and hopefully one day soon I will never have to waitress again.  Okay - I feel bloated bye.  Love you Blueberry.

Well and so.

Here at the store - at my job at the store.  I have been working on my comedy for my show tonight.  I took really good care of myself and went home last night and made myself dinner.  The meeting was so good - I felt so good after I left.  I went to an alanon meeting too but - well - I don't know - it's so sad there - I never feel THAT great but I still feel better after those.  I have a burger here - I just have to eat it now.  Bye.  I'm going to be 42 on Saturday and what I am going to do is do that vegan 21 day diet for my birthday.  Yeah - well - I guess it's supposed to be vegan & raw but I think that might be asking too much.  Maybe gluten free too.  Sure - why the fuck not huh??  I am nervous about tonight - there is a comedian I am attracted to on the show.  I mean I think I'm attracted to him - so - well there you go.  UGH - this is SO fucking hard trying to get back into comedy - it's not happening easily at all.  I have to eat my burger.  Love your blueberry face.

Just swept up dog fur.......

and I could not stop fucking crying.  I swept under the bed and I knew there was dog fur but it hurt so much for some reason to sweep it up.  There were also 2 little dog bones - ugh - she used to love those things but in the last year she faded away from them.  I'm so sad - I miss her so much - I'm so sad she had to suffer.  I think I really have to calm down - I'm about to get my period and for some reason the cigarette smoke is especially horrendous today.  It's raining - is that why.  I sweat since I asked him about he has just smoked MORE.  That's okay - there is an air purifier coming.  I just changed the sheets, swept - made myself breakfast and lunch - went in the park, prayed & meditated - wrote a tiny bit - submitted myself for things - worked with my alanon sponsor.  How can I still be so sad - how is there time for it?  I called my parents - married for 52 years today.  52 fucking years - can you even imagine?  My birthday is on Saturday - my Mother keeps asking me to go home but I don't want to travel without the dog.  For 10 years I have brought that dog back & forth with me.  Smuggled her on Amtrak and carried her on Metro-North.  I am flat out fucking heart broken.  Okay - I should think about it - maybe I should go to my parents.  Okay - I'm going to lay down for a minute before I go to therapy.  Bye Bluebie - love your blog face.