Thursday, July 18, 2013
Ugh and Blech.
I'm so uncomfortable. You know for the past 6 or so summers since I was a drunk and then got sober but was still toxic - I have been so uncomfortable in the summer. This summer I feel better - I feel stronger - less toxic. But emotionally - I'm so uncomfortable and after meeting that guy last night - that British man - so awkward. Okay - let's just turn this into a positive okay - for real? I was open enough to talk to someone and I did the best I could and - it's all experience and now I know more of what I want in a guy. He was GORGEOUS also and how long has it been since THAT'S happened? A long time. So. I want a gorgeous guy with money and a great sense of humor who is fun and - available - ha. Also it is going to take me some time to move out of my past behavior of trying to be someone who I am not - and for being embarrassed of who I am. I'm also sad - I miss having a boyfriend and I'm upset that I lost my first love. But so what? I mean not so what but nothing is easy right? I am so sexually frustrated - holy fuck. How am I supposed to take care of that? I think if I went to dance class it would help. I know that sounds crazy but. WHY DO I WRITE THIS?? What in the world am I doing? Who knows - who cares. I will just breathe and keep moving forward. Maybe I'm hungry right now. Jeez. Jeez Louise. Bye Bluebie.