Ugh and Blech.

I'm so uncomfortable.  You know for the past 6 or so summers since I was a drunk and then got sober but was still toxic - I have been so uncomfortable in the summer.  This summer I feel better - I feel stronger - less toxic.  But emotionally - I'm so uncomfortable and after meeting that guy last night - that British man - so awkward.  Okay - let's just turn this into a positive okay - for real?  I was open enough to talk to someone and I did the best I could and - it's all experience and now I know more of what I want in a guy.  He was GORGEOUS also and  how long has it been since THAT'S happened?  A long time.  So.  I want a gorgeous guy with money and a great sense of humor who is fun and - available - ha.  Also it is going to take me some time to move out of my past behavior of trying to be someone who I am not - and for being embarrassed of who I am.  I'm also sad - I miss having a boyfriend and I'm upset that I lost my first love.  But so what?  I mean not so what but nothing is easy right?  I am so sexually frustrated - holy fuck.  How am I supposed to take care of that?  I think if I went to dance class it would help.  I know that sounds crazy but.  WHY DO I WRITE THIS??  What in the world am I doing?  Who knows - who cares.  I will just breathe and keep moving forward.  Maybe I'm hungry right now.  Jeez.  Jeez Louise.  Bye Bluebie.