Saturday, March 30, 2019

Urinary Tract Infucktion

I got a UTI last night while we were out to dinner.  Is that the craziest thing you have ever heard?  That has never happened to me before.  I have woken up with them but I have never had one just DEVELOP while I was eating.  IT WAS SO FUCKING PAINFUL.  We went right to the store and I got something and then I went home and it proceeded to get WORSE.  Then I was shaking and freezing - hole fuck it was awful.  Then I got so mad because we had sex before we went to dinner and so I was blaming my guy.  Then I was also mad because of cancer and cancer treatment and this awful, painful week I had......so crazy that my last post was about being excited for life and now I can't leave the house.  I am though - still excited for life.  However as it goes - I GUESS - that stupid onion peeled a little more and now some shit came up and I'm upset and angry.  However - however it's different and here's why...I have tools first of all.  I meditated this morning and I felt much better.  I talk to myself differently in my head - so even though I'm upset and don't feel well - I am not letting my brain and negative thoughts run away with itself.  Okay but let's talk about what happened this week - I need to get it off my chest. 

I don't know why but someone got mad at me.  Or it seemed like they were mad at me.  I kept trying to clarify what was happening and I kept apologizing which then the whole thing melted down anyway and I ended up feeling so sick and not being able to sleep.  I was supposed to go to therpy the next morning but I could not stop crying.  Luckily my therapist talked to me on the phone and she helped me mostly get on the other side of it.  then my boob that had the cancer in it felt better.  Which was so fucking weird.  This interaction (the person getting upset or being upset) somehow triggered so much shit from my childhood that I didn't even realize I was holding onto.  It left me just shook - so shook and I couldn't stop thinking how I could have had a different life - really just blaming blah blah.  And who knows maybe that is - or isn't true.  The point is that I was still holding onto that pain.  God - why do we do this?  Why do I dig through this shit?  Because on the other side is freedom - that's why.  Clarity.  Okay but I still have to write why this was so upsetting to me.  First of all I really thought I had done something wrong and in fact - I did the absolute best I could and can.  So I was sick because I kept apologizing.  It brought up all this shame for just EXISTING.  God it was fucking honestly and truly horrible.  Let me just say that probably this was going to happen at some other point with some other person.  IT has been in me for a long, long time and needed to come to the surface - so perhaps the incident itself wasn't even that awful but certainly what it triggered - was.  So - so I promised myself that I would write this.  I am writing this because I deserve to work through this.  I am always so worried about other people and other people's feelings and so I didn't even want to write about this.  But that is fucking bullshit.  So I am letting myself express this.  It's like I let myself get beat up.  It felt very much like when I was working for that woman at the boutique and she would just flip out on me and sometimes I would have to tell her to stop.  For the longest time I actually thought I did something wrong and then I realized I didn't - in fact the exact opposite.  The guy says it came up because my worth is changing so this came up to be healed.  I just wish it didn't feel so fucking awful.  It's so crazy - recovery - because it's painful and it doesn't feel like it's going to change but it does and it's a million times better.  Am I being honest or just angry?  Both?  I suppose both because I am angry.  Living in chaos fucking sucks.  I fucking hated it - I was always so confused and upset.  I never understood why everyone was so upset or what the fuck was going on.  Okay fine - I get it.  There was also a shitload of love and super fun times.  Yes.  However - this is what has ultimately been brought up.  I feel like I am at the mercy of other people and that I can't take care of myself or have my feelings.  I have to say this feels like first world problems to be able to dig through this and that I have the time to sit here sick form it and parcel it out.  But also - I am sick - I fucking got cancer and I want to live so I need to work through this.  This is a huge part of my problem - feeling like I don't have the right to exist as I am and do what I need to do for me.  So if you are louder, have more money or WHATEVER - than it all takes a pass to me.  Am I even making sense?  Yes - for me I am making sense.  Ugh I feel sick.  It's like I got to a puss pocket in myself.  It's so fucking gross.  I don't really know what to do and now this UTI is making me think negatively and I am so upset that this is effecting my weekend.  This is the thing - I have no control over other people's thoughts or feelings.  Everyone has their own higher powers and their own journeys.  I guess what's making me so upset is that I was vulnerable.  I was vulnerable as a child and I just am vulnerable now.  What?  Okay I am not as vulnerable now. I guess I sort of feel like an open wound but I'm not.  I take care of myself.  I didn't with this person - I should have said that you can't keep talking to me like this but oh well - I will.  I will take care of myself.  I just have such a conflict - when someone is upset and clearly hurting - even if they are hurting me I think "Well but they are so hurt!!"  But there you fucking go - that's why I am in alanon and why I need all this fucking help.  NO.. The answer is NO.  I will not let myself be exposed to other people's chaos to the point where I am sick for 3 days or even 30 fucking years.  Ugh - that's not even it.  It's just this - feel my feelings, feel my childhood, rest and let it heal.  I am a grown woman and I have a beautiful life.  I am loved and I love myself and others.  This feels confusing but I guess it isn't.  It is just what I said - some buried shit from my childhood has come UP and it's super uncomfortable and I feel kind of sick from it.  Luckily I am home resting right now and I can write and write till I feel better.  I have 2 shows tonight and I have no idea how I am going to do them.  Luckily they are near my house.  I can do it.  I can take a nap and I can do it.  I have the chills.  My poor little body.  Some of scars from chemo are actually getting better - I never thought that would happen but they are healing.  They kind of flare up a little bit and then they look way better.  I guess that's what's happening to me emotionally.  This is the flare up and then there will be healing.  GROSS.  BARF.  Baaaaaaaarf.  I was so sick last night form the UTI that it reminded me of chemo.  Fuck that was so awful.  Alright it's okay.  This helped - writing helped.  It always helps.  I am going to go write in my journal now and then work on my stuff for tonight.  Love you Bluebie bye. ps I just realized I also have choices.  I am not trapped or at the mercy of people - I have choices.  And help!  I have choices and lots of help.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Excited for life....

meaning I am excited for my life - not like "I am excited forever - for LIIIIIFE."  I don't know what's happened but there is a shift.  I was just thinking the other day - yesterday?  I don't know when it was - I can't remember shit anymore and honestly I could care less - it's making me laugh right now even saying it.  What can you do?  Anyway - my point is that I was thinking about how much I miss dancing - God I loved dancing so much.  It's one of the few creative expressions I did that I did just for the sheer joy of it.  Meaning it just makes me happy to do it - I am not trying to BECOME a dancer - although I did want to be a dancer.  I probably wrote about this before - who knows!  I can't remember anything haha.  Well but back to my point....I was just thinking how badly I want to take dance class and then I was thinking (simultaneously) oh gosh yes but how can I fit it in?  How am I going to have the time?  And then - then I just thought of ALL of the stuff I want to do and then I started to get more overwhelmed as I often have in my life and then - SOMETHING shifted and I just got excited thinking about GETTING to go to dance class (so funny I accidentally wrote acting and had to change it).  I got excited thinking about GETTING to do these things.  I know it might sound trivial but it was such a mental shift.  Such a shift in perception.  Such an ATTITUDE adjustment.  I don't know.  I don't know but today I jogged - are you ready - 7 miles.  7 MOTHER-FUCKING MILES.  In a ROW.  It was amazing.  Then I went and ate 2 large pizzas!  Haha no I didn't.  But I was so excited to do it.  I was so excited to get out there and be alive and in the fresh air.  I'm so grateful my sister suggested this marathon.  Half-marathon.  Fuck I'm crying.  See this is what cancer did for me.  I'm grateful now to live and I am so grateful to do things that make me live better.  I am losing my thoughts because the tears are making the page disappear.  Hold on.  See - so I have one sister who has given me work this year so that I have been able to finish treatment and be at home healing.  Then this other sister got me to be moving my body - something that makes me feel ALIVE.  I guess that's why I want to dance again so badly - it makes me feel alive.  Opens my heart.  It has taken me almost 10 years of sobriety to get back to myself and to be able to want to live with an open heart.  It doesn't take everyone that long and it probably take some people a lot longer.  I don't know - maybe some people don't want to live that way!  I think I might finally be moving into my life - I'm not saying it correctly...I'm moving on - that's all.  I am finally moving on.  Ugh - am I really if I am writing that?  Isn't that what people say who aren't moving on?  Like a threat "OKAY I'M LEAVING - I'M GOING."  It's so fucking weird - something just shifted in my head.  I have stuff to do so I have to go.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Wow - just read an old post.....

I was so angry....I feel so badly for that person - that me that just was so trapped in rage.  I mean I am still angry but I use so many more tools now AND I have the ability to tell myself it isn't real.  That it's just negative thoughts and that they aren't even true half the time.  Not only that but that I have a way to deal with them.  Okay I just said the same thing twice whateveeer.  It's so weird I just read that old post when I actually was having similar thoughts these last couple of days after traveling a little bit with someone who isn't quite healthy.  I read the post because I can look on my blog "stats" and see what people have been reading and that old post from 2010 is one that someone just read today.  What's crazy is how serendipitous it is for me to see that post.  So this is what has gone on in my little world and mind....

I took a little road trip with another comedian and he was super sweet and nice.  We did well at the show - all good.  However after I got back home I got super grumpy and you know what - no.  Nope.  This isn't it.  I could tell a whole story about him and what I think he needs to do and here's what the truth is....

I need alanon and I didn't go last week or this week.  I usually go on Wednesdays but I had to come to the farm yesterday early and I really needed just an AA meeting last night.  This is how recovery has changed me...I am not a victim of other people even if I am effected by them.  God that's so fucking mind blowing to me.  I mean it's true - I honestly am not.  When I read that post today I was reading about someone who was completely a victim of other people.  My thinking was so distorted.  I was only a year sober and I was a mess and honestly I am so happy I was writing and getting it out.  Jesus - cancer was hard but getting sober was way fucking harder.  Because of the thinking!!  Am I lying to myself?  I mean cancer was pretty fucking hard but it was lighter somehow than those first few years sober.  Those were dark times.  I am so tired!  It's hard traveling on the road.  I don't do it very well but maybe no one does?  I need to bring more of my own food and water.  I spent all of the money I made on food and water.  The water in the hotel room was brown! Ha.  I asked the cleaning lady if I could use the tap water for my coffee and she said "I don't know I can't answer but maybe if you have your own water you should use that."  She was shaking her head no the whole time.  Whoa.

Well I went to hot yoga today with my sister and took a nap today.  I ate really healthy yesterday and today and I am going to go over there and have a nice, healthy dinner tonight.  I guess it's like anything - I just have to do what I have to do to stay healthy.  It's really hard though to be around people who do not take care of themselves.  It's heart breaking and it's really hard not to say something.  Also I start to get pulled into it as an addict myself.  That part though is unclear to me - I mean do I really get pulled into it or am I just waiting for someone to say "Pancakes, sausage, cheese and muffins are 100% okay to eat ALL DAY LONG.  THROW IN SOME BACON AND CHILI.  ADD CHEESE TO EVERYTHING."  FUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuCK.  What's weird is someone who is super nice but not physically taking care of them selves.  It's like they are nice on the inside but just let their bodies fall apart.  IT'S SO UPSETTING.  But it's not my fault.  I also can't do anything about it.  Except go to alanon.

So that's who I am now.  I am okay with it.  I never want to be that woman again who is enraged and unable to live a day without silently telling multiple people (most of them my friends) to go fuck themselves constantly.  So I go to meetings and I do all the things and I am able to have some serenity.  Gross.  Haha just kidding.  Byeeeeee.

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Oh boy.

Well I made an appointment for my next MRI and I am terrified but I guess - it will be okay.  Whatever it is - it will be okay.  I have to say I am eating better although today when I went to eat with my ladies it made me so sad to think of not eating any fries so I got sweet potato fries and THAT'S NOT ANY DIFFERENT.  Ugh.  Plus they had some shit on them that I pretended wasn't flour while I was eating them but I'm not to positive it was.  So greaaaaaat.  I am so tired.  I did a show last night - humped into and out of the city.  Was at a super cute bar, lots of people and I had a mediocre set.  I listened to it on the way home and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was but I thanked the guy via a message and he said "no problem!"  Which is code for "Eh - you weren't great but oh well."  Ha!  ANYWAY.  I am at home on the couch.  I had a talk with a sponsee and then I was so discombobulated after I had to call my sponsor.  So that took up a big chunk of my afternoon.  Then I ordered PH strips which took up ANOTHER CHUNK OF TIME.  How is my life stressful?  Seriously - I need to calm the fuck down.  Okay well I was hoping this would make me relax but it did not do that.  Haha.  It's a beautiful sunny day and it was a pleasure to wake up, pray & meditate, juice some celery, have a banana and go to a meeting in a pretty church on a super cute street.  I'm home and it's nice and quiet and it's all good.  I am going to cook dinner and that's going to be great.  I am going to turn my phone off while I cook and that will make it even more great.  I got a part ina play and tomorrow is the first read through.  I am so excited!  I have to go - I love you and I love your wild, wild ways.  That sounded inauthentic and it felt inauthentic also.  How about just - love you!  Big hug!!!  That's better.  Fist pound.  LOL.  Byeeeeee.

Friday, March 15, 2019

The Key To Serenity...

is stress right?  Oh boy I am stresssssssed out.  Overwhelmed.  It's okay I can do this.  That's what I keep saying to myself - I can do this I can do this.  Oye.  I just have gotten busy and it's so so wonderful and I am so so grateful!  I got a part in a play and I am going to perform at a big place on Monday and I am super excited.  I have lots going on and it's good.  I am feeling better.  Little bit each day my energy is coming back.  It's the juggling of my schedule and the moving around a lot plus the - what?  I forgot what I was saying!  Oh I know - missing meetings.  Yes - I missed alanon this week and I haven't been to a meeting since Monday.  I start to get dry so quickly and then also I start to get how I am right now - panicky and stressed out.  So that's uncomfortable to write.  Hmmmmm - well I have my ladies meeting in the morning.  What can I do?  I did my best this week.  It's all about the planning and sometimes I am not good at the planning.  I am good at eating!  Is that a thing?  I'm just flustered right now and I am not pooping so I am uncomfortable.  Something about me jogging makes me not poop which is weird because I have always heard people talk about how much they almost shit themselves when they jog.  THIS TOOK A TURN.

Refocusing......

Well okay I have a show tonight so I need to get ready.  Ugh alright byeeeeee.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Talking to Myself

I'm just going to go ahead and talk to myself right now.  I do it all the time anyway - literally ALL THE TIME.  I answer myself & I go back and forth and it's one of the main reasons I love to be alone for - so I can talk to myself.  Just have a good 'ol heart to heart with me and me.  So here I am wanting to talk to myself because at this moment it feels like the only way I can be authentic.  So today  - ugh no.  What?  What do I want to say?  I am so busy lately and I am so happy about that and I feel like I am hatching out of an egg back into life.  After this whole nightmare of cancer and treatment.  Mind you I know I am better for it.  I AM BETTER FOR IT.  I am grateful for it - I needed a slap in the face and cancer did that for me.  I am pretty terrified of my next MRI in April - which btw I keep not scheduling because I am so scared.  However last night before I went to bed I asked my subconscious if I had cancer.  If they were going to find any cancer.  Right now at this moment I feel okay.  It does feel like however I am still - in a precarious position......so then I get to this part.....all the healing I am doing of my childhood.  Ugh God that's so hard to write.  It's uncomfortable and there were certainly people who had it worse but it doesn't matter.  It's a wound I feel and I deserve to heal it.  God wants me to be healed I know it.  Right now I am awake in the day and it's sunny and I am going to go to my program at the ymca.  I am alive and I have a shitload of hair again.  It's fucking crazy.  I want to stay alive.  So the healing......anyway I have a sore Achilles right?  It occurred to me to look up the emotional cause....I finally did yesterday morning and it said that it has to do with taking the slings and arrows from other people in.  Something about our personal power and being so effected by other people negativity.  It's just alanon right?  My boundaries - not being so open to other people's stuff.  WELL - so this morning I was meditating and CRYING - because I cry almost every morning when I meditate.  It feels like a combination of detoxing, just basic upsetness over what I have been through the last few years and then what else?  Um - well - I think I get caught up in the story and just cry over that - HAHA.  ANYWAY - but this morning I was crying and thinking about the wound from my mother and how much I love her and how wonderful she was to me and how I don't want to hurt her acknowledging that she hurt me even if she didn't mean to - or even if she did (which she didn't) and I don't know - it was the oddest sensation - I suddenly felt another version of myself - pulled back into me.  I don't know if I can fully describe it.  It was as if another me was floating above myself a bit and I reached up and pulled that version of me into me and I then became - full again.  IS THAT WEIRD OR WHAT???  Okay so as I type this I am thinking also - that there is ANOTHER version floating there also.  What I thought when it happened was that it was the pendulum swing.  That when I got sober I went from being this super selfish alcoholic to being this super alanonic alcoholic because then I wasn't being selfish but I Was SO ANGRY because I kept letting people hurt me - even though they didn't realize it - because I had no boundaries.  God this is all so exhausting.  Anyway yeah it was like I pulled a suit on that was me but I absorbed it.  It was fucking crazy.  I mean when I meditate I am always aware of my soul or spirit sort of floating sideways out of me and by the time I finish meditating I am sort of centered and back together like a puzzle.  But this sentsation this morning was completely different.  It was something else and at this moment I feel much more whole again.  So yeah - again - WEIRD.  But a relief. 

So I had to talk to myself to write this today because sometimes I imagine someone reading this and eye rolling and sighing and just being like "SERIOUSLY????"  I have to say though just as I wrote that I thought "Yeah but at least that person would be READING THIS."  Hahahaa.  Meaning I am just excited someone would be reading my blog.  Even though I don't want anyone to know who I am.  OKAY.  Well.  I'm tired.  I am okay though I am going to eat a salad now and go to my Livestrong Program and keep slowly moving towards being in shape.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE (thank you for being here for me big huuuuug)

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Mess.

I am kind of a mess.  I am exercising so much more and started the Livestrong program yesterday and all of it is kicking my ass.  I am so so tired and I slept a ton last night.  I am eating less and I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO BED.  Okay well if I wanted to I could.  I really could!  But I want to live.  Can't I live and go back to bed?  I'm not depressed I am just exhausted.  I also have a pain in the middle of my back which is scaring the shit out of me.  I of course am thinking it's more cancer.  This is the part of cancer that people say is tough about cancer after the treatment is done.  Okay but it's not more cancer it's just a muscle in my back from exercising and it will feel better if I do some yoga but I don't want to.  Holy shit this is a struggle.  I know on the other side I am going to feel strong and healthy.  Please God help me push through this.  It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do but I know.  I am going to sit here for 5 minutes and meditate again even though I did this morning already.  Then I am going to do 10 minutes of yoga and then I am going to make chili in the crockpot so I have dinner when I get home.  I am going to take a shower and get clean and put on clean clothes.  I am going to breathe and things will shift.  If the pain continues for 3 days I will go to the doctor.  That's all.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Cookbooks.

I have been going to the library for well over a year now - I think - maybe even longer?  Oh I think it's been longer....well anyway I went yesterday and got out a bunch of cookbooks.  Do you know you can take out FIFTY items from the library at a time?  Wow.  fun!  Anyway I am reading and learning more about cooking.  This book I am just finishing "A Homemade Life" by Molly Wizenberg (sp?) was really wonderful - I enjoyed it so much and for all of my cooking I learned a lot!  I mean A LOT.  So it inspired me to go learn more about cooking.  I am of course still trying to avoid all of the delicious dairy, gluten and sugar that I love so much but well I can cook without them.  Yes I can.  So anyway wow I just got sad.  Ha!  It's sad to not eat those foods but you know what's sadder?  Cancer and cancer treatment.  For me anyway.  Also and I honestly mean this - there are so many ways to cook things now - delicious, wonderful ways to cook pastries and tons of foods - so it's great.  All good.  I am not missing out.  Also I don't drink and smoke and that is totally fine.  I'm fine without them.  Great in fact.  My life is one million times better without them. 

It's Saturday and I am so tired.  I have continued to jog and joined a program this week called the Live Strong program - did I write about this already?  I think it was started by omg what is his name?  The cyclist that dated whatever the fuck her name was?  There we go - that's some good chemo brain in action.

It's literally 3 hours later - I got completely distracted.  The guy came home and then I had work to do.  The cyclist is I STILL CANT remember but he was with Cheryl Crow.  OKAY.  Anyway I go to a program that he started and now I am exhausted.  I need to go chill out and get ready for my super long run tomorrow.  Do you know I have jogged more than I have in YEARS and I gained 5 pounds.  I haven't even been eating that much - that's a lie.  I eat PLENTY.  A lot.  I just don't eat AS much as I want to and I don't eat muffins anymore.  Also a lit - I had one the other day only it was gluten free.  NOT WORTH IT.  God - everything is changing.  A club I have been working at is changing there whole booking system and so well - I have to figure something else out.  I am growing and changing and that's that.  I am alive and I want to live.  AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  It's really uncomfortable!  Sigh.  That's okay.  I have lots of tools to help with that.  I would rather be uncomfortable than drunk any day.  Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye!!