I was so angry....I feel so badly for that person - that me that just was so trapped in rage. I mean I am still angry but I use so many more tools now AND I have the ability to tell myself it isn't real. That it's just negative thoughts and that they aren't even true half the time. Not only that but that I have a way to deal with them. Okay I just said the same thing twice whateveeer. It's so weird I just read that old post when I actually was having similar thoughts these last couple of days after traveling a little bit with someone who isn't quite healthy. I read the post because I can look on my blog "stats" and see what people have been reading and that old post from 2010 is one that someone just read today. What's crazy is how serendipitous it is for me to see that post. So this is what has gone on in my little world and mind....
I took a little road trip with another comedian and he was super sweet and nice. We did well at the show - all good. However after I got back home I got super grumpy and you know what - no. Nope. This isn't it. I could tell a whole story about him and what I think he needs to do and here's what the truth is....
I need alanon and I didn't go last week or this week. I usually go on Wednesdays but I had to come to the farm yesterday early and I really needed just an AA meeting last night. This is how recovery has changed me...I am not a victim of other people even if I am effected by them. God that's so fucking mind blowing to me. I mean it's true - I honestly am not. When I read that post today I was reading about someone who was completely a victim of other people. My thinking was so distorted. I was only a year sober and I was a mess and honestly I am so happy I was writing and getting it out. Jesus - cancer was hard but getting sober was way fucking harder. Because of the thinking!! Am I lying to myself? I mean cancer was pretty fucking hard but it was lighter somehow than those first few years sober. Those were dark times. I am so tired! It's hard traveling on the road. I don't do it very well but maybe no one does? I need to bring more of my own food and water. I spent all of the money I made on food and water. The water in the hotel room was brown! Ha. I asked the cleaning lady if I could use the tap water for my coffee and she said "I don't know I can't answer but maybe if you have your own water you should use that." She was shaking her head no the whole time. Whoa.
Well I went to hot yoga today with my sister and took a nap today. I ate really healthy yesterday and today and I am going to go over there and have a nice, healthy dinner tonight. I guess it's like anything - I just have to do what I have to do to stay healthy. It's really hard though to be around people who do not take care of themselves. It's heart breaking and it's really hard not to say something. Also I start to get pulled into it as an addict myself. That part though is unclear to me - I mean do I really get pulled into it or am I just waiting for someone to say "Pancakes, sausage, cheese and muffins are 100% okay to eat ALL DAY LONG. THROW IN SOME BACON AND CHILI. ADD CHEESE TO EVERYTHING." FUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuCK. What's weird is someone who is super nice but not physically taking care of them selves. It's like they are nice on the inside but just let their bodies fall apart. IT'S SO UPSETTING. But it's not my fault. I also can't do anything about it. Except go to alanon.
So that's who I am now. I am okay with it. I never want to be that woman again who is enraged and unable to live a day without silently telling multiple people (most of them my friends) to go fuck themselves constantly. So I go to meetings and I do all the things and I am able to have some serenity. Gross. Haha just kidding. Byeeeeee.
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