Life Changing Portal

I keep seeing portals. Symbolic portals. I went to an Artists Recovery group last night and I explained what I had been seeing and a man there said it's a portal. But to what? And how do I get there? If I jump in - will I ever come back? Is it a portal to a better me? Is my guy on the other side?? Sigh. I cried through almost my entire meditation today. I was so sad about my father. So sad and then also - I felt so much love. Fuck I'm going to cry again and I'm on the train and I have on make-up. I felt all this love from him - just pure love. And honestly I almost couldn't take it and it made me cry harder. It's so crazy - my life has been filled with struggle - mainly with myself and addiction but I always forget how hard it is to receive love. I'm going to throw up my vitamins. Just pure healthy love is almost more than I can take. Or maybe I can't take it. Maybe I can. Maybe it's time for me to grow in that way and be able to receive. Gross. I'm semi grossing myself out. Ha! Ugh. Anyway I'm headed into the city for an audition, a party for my acting class and a show. I gave my notice at work. Did I say that already? 2 more weeks. Ugh. I'm going to miss everyone there but it's time to move on. Oop - someone just sat next to me gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Life.

I'm at home on the couch drinking coffee.  We went to the farm for 4 days and had my father's birthday party with out him.  His big 80th birthday party that he was so looking forward to.  It was really hard.  The kids had fun - there was a giant water slide - which I went down twice and hurt myself!  Ha.  The food was fabulous but it was hard.  The next day we had my nephew's graduation party (from high school) and that was fantastic.  I helped cook all day for it and it was a nice party - tons of people - they had a blast and it was nice way to end the weekend.  We took my little nephew to the beach on Friday and it was gorgeous and fun.  It was just an emotional weekend but filled with love and good people.  Everyone loves my guy which is so nice.  I have to get in the shower.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Follow My Heart.....

I forgot about that.  It just came to me this morning while I wa praying - to follow my heart.  What else is there?  I mean these last couple of years I have been loving my acting class - of course and doing some comedy and loving it sometimes but as far as following my heart - not so much.  I don't know any other way to go at this point.  I'm not sure what is going to happen but when I think "Follow your heart" to myself - I feel okay.  Haha I wrote that and then I was like COME ON cheeseball good LORD.  But it feels RIGHT.  It's 3 weeks today since my father died and now everything has changed.  I just cant keep pushing myself in that same direction of working and pushing to go to a show, being exhausted, going to an audition - sometimes and feeling sick because I can't go on all the other ones.  Pushing to go to class but never being able to actually DO the craft.  Well anyway my guy wants me to be happy.  So that is what is happening as I go into the second half of my life.  Anyway I have pms and I'm grieving but I'm also excited to get to work on this full time.  It will be so fun!  I hope!!  A CHALLENGE.  And it will be following my heart.  Somehow I am going to have to keep remembering that.  Follow my heart.  It makes everything easier somehow.  Saying yes, saying no......Follow my heart.  Love you Bluebie bye.

My father is still dead......

Yeah.  Hasn't changed.  I went back to work yesterday and it was awful.  Im over that job once again.  My guy wants me to go full-time actress.  Full-time creative.  How amazing is that?  So of course - once again - I am convinced he is trying to kill me.  How is this guy so wonderful?  Im scared as fuck.  Im mostly afraid that I am going to ACT like I am ACTING but what Im really doing is FUCKING AROUND and going to the beach.  Seriously.  Im so terrified.  I feel so full of shit and not talented.  Not all the time just around being a professional.  Why don't I have any of that I AM AWESOME - I AM KICK-ASS - I AM THE LIGHT THE WORLD NEEDS???  I have it a little but only - only once every 10 years or something incredibly not helpful like that.  Good lord.  All my shit is coming up too.  How can it not?  My father died.  And he just - DIED.  No warning - no nothing - just - gone.  Jesus Christ.  I think Im at the anger stage of grief.  It just seems rude.  Ugh I can't even let myself feel angry - I'm feeling guilty for feeling angry.  CHRIST.  The grief is so painful so Im turning to - looking at things online I shouldn't - or - or thinking about how hurt I am that my acting teacher hasn't reached out to me about my father.  That he didn't write to me to say - I'm so sorry - he was so good looking and wow - you must be in so much pain.  WHAT???  If he wrote that to me I would be like what the fuck weirdo??  Maybe.  It's just such a good distraction.  Because when I'm present - my body hurts.  My stomach hurts.  My heart - HURTS.  It's so heavy.  Now I feel like I am trying to be in pain.  It really is waves.  Sometimes I feel like am past it and that - wow - I feel better.  Then all of a sudden - I'm deep in grief.  Oh for fuck's sake.  Shut up.  It's just so uncomfortable.  I started to get a little numb over the weekend and honestly - I liked it.  Then I went to work yesterday and it was awful.  People are awful.  They are so fucking needy at that restaurant and just - THEY MAKE NO SENSE.  One man was like "Okay - I will have the fried chicken and waffles."  Right?  Then he was like (in a fucking TIZZY all of a sudden) as he hands me his place setting and napkin "And can you get me a new place setting???  I had to clean my seat so, so, so, soooo I need a new place setting?!?!?  Okay??"  Then he shoves his stuff at me even though I have menus and everything else in my hands.  He also was showing me his napkin with something on it - I guess for proof of why he was freaking out all of a sudden - even though the whole time I took their order - he was FINE.  Okay but that's not even my point.  My point is - he was freaking out about some DIRT - on his NAPKIN - like it was LEFT there after someone wiped THEIR ass with it - right?  Only he OREDERED FRIED CHICKEN AND WAFFLES.  Okay you are about to eat SHIT right now but you are flipping the fuck out about some dirt on your napkin??  Okay - so yeah - I guess I'm angry.  I just don't know what's going to happen.  I have been home though today and I loved it.  I went to a meeting and the park.  Also a beautiful grocery store and - and what else?  I ran an errand for my love.  I just re-read what I wrote and I sound crazy. HA!  Good.  BYE.

Falling Apart.

I think I'm falling apart.  I haven't taken a shower since Sunday - I think - you know it might have been Saturday - I can't even remember.  It hurts me emotionally to take a shower for some reason.  I'm slowing down so much.  It's like I'm slipping away into retirement.  It's just grief.  It's just grief and it's hard for me to be gentle with myself.  Maybe I will feel better if I take a shower and then I will feel guilty about that.  Good Lord.  I almost feel like I'm on drugs.  Okay - I am going to take a shower.  A long, hot shower and wash my hair.  Gross.  Barf. Blech.  Or maybe I will just lay here.  Maybe I will just lay here and watch 20 episodes of Friends.  Watch 20 episodes of Friends and feel sick.  Feel sick and eat an entire box of weight watchers ice cream cones.  They are little tiny ice cream cones - they look like they are for little tiny people.  Gross.  Anyway I ate 3 of them yesterday.  Well.  So this is right now.  Sad and painful and I'm having trouble doing much.  I'm going to take a shower.  I will check back in later.  Bye.

Cleaning.....

Now I'm just going ot keep writing on here - like the old days when I had time to.  I'm cleaning out my clothes - changing Winter to Summer.  I'm obviously very late to the game since it is way Summer but I'm finally doing it.  My guy had suggested I get rid of some things when I changed things over and I thought he was out of his mind.  I said "You know for a woman I really don't have THAT many clothes."  And he said "Right but you still aren't using them all and maybe someone else could use them."  So I ignored him.  Now I'm moving things around and my life has changed and I don't have a job I dress up for anymore so I'm not using those clothes - right?  But ALSO - this is the painful part - I have clothes from 12 years ago, 14 years ago - A LIFETIME AGO that I am NOT WEARING AND IT HURTS TO LOOK AT THEM.  I mean - I had to stop moving stuff around.  I had to sit down.  Why am I keeping these things?  It's so painful.  This is how people become hoarders - it's so fucking hard to pass through the feelings of things.  Maybe I should just be laying down - I mean good lord.  Should I go to Starbuck's?  My poor guy has been working all day and I made myself eggs and didn't even do the dishes and now the bedroom is a pile of unused clothes that I can't touch or look at.  NOW WHO THE FUCK AM I?  I am having a huge identity crisis at this moment.  These clothes represent me trying to be an actress - no - me being and actress and a comedian....when I was already at a bottom.  Ugh it makes me sick because I did do some good work then.  Some great projects.  Am I being hard on myself?  Is that what's happening?  Oh.  Okay I have choices.  I don't need to get rid of anything - choice 1.  I can put it all over there somewhere and look at it and touch it later - choice 2.  I can just lay here and watch Netflix - choice 3.  I can make myself a cup of coffee and turn the air on - choice 4.  I can do a little bit more, and watch Netflix and make coffee - AND - AND - if it's so painful - keep all the shit for another 14 years and keep unfolding and folding it again and moving it from Winter to Summer.  I can NOT deal with the World right now so this is what I'm doing...that's it.  That and praying for love to win.

Grief.

I'm home and on the couch.  I didn't go to work this week - I haven't been to work since 2 Sundays ago.  Im so tired and lethargic.  I went to a meeting last night - it was weird.  I went to one today and it was weirder.  Then I went to this beautiful grocery store and bought some over-priced groceries and felt a little better.  I have really just been sitting on the couch reading articles and chatting online.  Im pretty useless but its okay.  I took a nap and I paid one bill.  I have some things to do around the house but it's 90 degrees and Im hot.  Maybe I should make myself some lunch.  Dinner?  Dinner I guess.  Grief is draining.  Im just drained.  I wrote in my journal and then I couldn't wait to come on here and write since I have the time - and now I feel like I have nothing to say.  This year has been so much change.  I moved, changed jobs twice, started to drive again and into the city, changed sponsors twice - what else?  I changed my class.....That suddenly doesn't seem like that much but add my father dying to it and that's a huge change.  Life changing.  It's okay though.  I mean I'm a little shut down right now but it's okay.  I miss my father but he had a beautiful send off.  Everything was beautiful and loving.  So crazy - I still can't believe it.  Yesterday was my birthday - our birthday - it's my guy's birthday too and that was hard.  Really hard.  My mother never called me but honestly I didn't even realize she didn't until today.  I'm not even a tiny bit upset - I can't even imagine what she's going through.  55 years they were married and she had to bury him on their anniversary.  I'm not feeling very good about just leaving hi in the ground like that in a box.  What a fucking bizarre tradition.  It gives us someplace to go I guess to visit him.....ugh I am so wildly uncomfortable.  I'm exhausted and I want to run away at the same time.  Im still so grateful I'm sober.  Of that I am sure.  Love you Bluebie bye.