Hello blueberry of my dreams.

Still tired but I'm at work and it's quite stimulating here so that's good.  No it's not!!  I'm being sarcastic!!  Wellllll - soooooo - I did more things for the apartment - it's getting there.  I looked at a school today.  I want to go back to school.  I'm so starving for stimulation mentally.  Ugh and I'm hungry for food at this moment.  When am I not?  What ahppened to losing my appetite?  I need to watch The Human Centipede II again - that will do it.  WOW - I just completely lost focus while I was writing.  I'm too hungry to do anything.  I'm staaaaaaaarving.  Listless. Defenseless.  Alone.  On the flip side my eye make-up looks great!!  I didn't put on any make-up till I got here today and when I first got here and looked at myself in the mirror I was like - ewwwwww - WOW - no wonder that man almost ran me over in the street.  MY FOOD IS HERE BYE!

So tired.

I just woke up at 12:30 - for the second time.  I woke up at 9:00 to work with my alanon sponsor an I went right back to sleep.  I'm so exhausted.  I'm so so so fucking tired.  I needed some extra sleep so badly.  I put up my clock yesterday. put in the vacuum cleaner (it's one of those canister ones you hang up), and finally unpacked my books and journals and put them in the bookcase.  I went o Bed, Bath and Beyond and got a cute basket to put my towels in and some wooden hangers.  Going home with those was so sad  I'm so lonely.  I miss having sex and I miss having a boyfriend and I miss having fun.  I have PMS and I'm bloated and this is not a good time to try to sign up for Match Dot Com or one of those things.  Holy COW - I'm upset.  Okay.  That being said it was glorious to go back to sleep and I turned the air conditioning up and got under the covers and it was fantastic.  Okay - I don't know - I feel very lost and tired.  I feel like I have been working so hard and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.  I guess all the feels I have said are reasons why this will pass.  Feelings.  Seriously though - I need to have sex and I want a boyfriend.  This is ridiculous.  I'm just sad.  Bye Bluebers.

Happy, joyous and grumpy.

Ugh - grumpy day.  And I have had the blessings of all the tools of this program working for me.  I called women and they gracious called me back and were kind and nurturing.  I did the work I was supposed to do and I even called a newcomer who actually really did need some help.  I do feel better.  I got sleep, I prayed & meditated, went for a walk in the park and ate food in my apartment.  I'm still completely grumpy and how can KI be mad about things from 12 years ago?  That is so ridiculous.  I need to get my power back and start really being nice to myself.  And I am free.  I don't live in that gross house where they wear there pajamas ALL day long and their balls hang out on the couch.  That just made me laugh.  I think someone is smoking downstairs.  Or somewhere in here.  It's not as bad as at Creepy's house but I smell it.  I have PMS.  Okay - I'm going to wash dishes, clean and get ready for work.  Bye Bluebers - love you.

Rainy day and I put together a dresser - twice.

Listen I  might not be able to put together something perfectly the first time around - but the second??  Not so bad.  I finally put it together mostly - I still have to put the door on but I built the drawers and I got the whole thing put together sturdily.  When I put the first drawer together last night I just held it in my lap in awe.  An actual sturdy, little drawer.  When I slid it into place and it actually slid easily in and out of the - whatever the fuck it's called - haha - j - it was labeled j - or i actually - I was AMAZED.  I had to put the frame together twice because I was trying to hammer the whole thing together when there were big huge gaps in it when it occurred to me that it shouldn't be that hard.  Plus the hammering wasn't working.  I had put the cam locks in before I was supposed to so there was nowhere for the screws to go.  AMAZING.  I never really understood what algebra was for until I started to put together this little dresser.  It's cute too!!  I realized last night how wonderful it is to be able to have a sink that I can wash my face in.  It's wide enough - my one at Creepy's was so tiny - beautiful but tiny.  I always missed half my face and got water everywhere.  So like my whole experience in that house.  TOTALLY gorgeous and completely not functional.  Okay - gorgeous, not funtional and totally weird and awful.  That poor sink wasn't weird and awful - just not functional.  Ha - WOW.  I walked through Central Park yesterday on my way home from work - it was such a beautiful day.  It was sunny, breezy and so fresh and green in the park.  An old woman in a wheel chair scooted out of the grass and said to me "Excuse me - do you mind giving my dog some water?"  She had a bowl in a bog and a bottle of water (I did ask her if she had water because I didn't have any) then she proceeded to give me very specific instructions and poor Max only drank like two drinks and then went back and sat on the grass.  He licked my leg - he was cute and she was actually really nice and healthy despite scooting around in a chair.  I mean she was definitely old - 80 at least but she had nice teeth and nice skin.  As I walked away in my head I was like "DID ANYONE SEE ME HELP HER???  I HELPED AN OLD WOMAN WATER HER DOG!!!!"  Jesus - I had to stop myself from posting it on facebook.  That being said - people really see me coming man.  People are always asking me for help.  At least now that I'm sober I actually want to help them.    I also bought a rotisserie chicken on my way home and ate that and a salad I made at home for dinner.  I HAVE A FRIDGE.  I feel like I am living in the lap of luxury have a fridge again.  It was the most delicious meal and it was so cheap and easy.  I'm shaking my head right now - amazing.  I walked through the park near where I live also.  Um not Central Park but still nice.  Now if I can just unpack my books and deal with the cat pee smell once and for all - that would be amazing.  I'm starving - time for more food!!  I had a blueberry Greek yogurt at home this morning with fresh raspberries and fresh blueberries.  Um - again - what????  Amazing.  Bye Blueberry!!  I love you!!  OH MY GOD!!  I also watched Confessions of a Dangerous Mind!!!  How did I never see that??  Completely ridiculous really - so can't be true but I LOVE that he wrote that.  Fascinating.

Uncomfoooortable.

I just can't seem to get comfortable in my body.  Sleep enough - ugh.  I'm upset and - haaa - oh my GOD - when aren't I?  I just need to get some exercise and go home and finish putting this dresser thing together for the bathroom.  It came in literally 50 pieces.  I am literally building this thing.  Why am I writing this?  Is there anything more boring than me complaining about putting a bathroom dresser together?  There is this guy that I am so attracted to who is apparently gay.  Okay - he's gay.  Why?  Why and HOW can I be so attracted to him?  Fuck - I'm grumpy - I want to eat a gallon of ice cream and a side of malted chocolate balls.  Maybe.  Maybe just an ice cream cone.  I got an ice cream cone last night and after I ate it - I saw this man stare at me funny and it was a good 10 minutes before I realized I had ice cream drizzled all over my chest.  It looked like someone jizzed on my boobs - on my dress.  How awful is that?  I had no more napkins and I was on the train so I just pretended like I didn't know it was there.  I had to lie to myself to make it home okay.  Jesus.  It's not nearly as hot today thank GOD - I feel way less I'm going to explode.  Great.  Why do they play the same 5 songs on this station?  It's not even songs from the same genre or even GENRATION or style even.  They play Prince, Bryan Adams, some Country chick and that stupid song form now with the xylophone.  This girl at work was talking about how bad she is at the xylophone.  How is that possible?  It's like saying you are bad at the triangle or bad at making toast or boiling water.  "I'm the WORST at boiling water!!!  I never do it right!!!"  What is wrong with me?  Jesus.  Okay - bye Blueberry.

The happiest ladies that come in here are always with friends.

The most adorable ladies just came in - in their late 60's - at least - and they all matched but not on purpose.  Sometimes there are happy alone people and I feel I can be pleasant by myself.  Is that true?  Am I lying to myself.  After I left my family on Sunday and my Aunt was telling me how our ancestors got to America and how the name was spelled - I got off the subway and I felt a whole line of ghosts following me off the train and through the station.  It stayed with me - even today - I feel the ghosts with me.  Generations following me, sitting with me.  Isn't that so crazy?  So I guess I'm not alone but I would like more alive people I guess.  I want my own family.  I want to be part of something.  Dear God - I am bored and I need mental stimulation.  Although I have been able to read more which is such a gift.  Bye again Bluebs :).

I have to write again.....

I just have to say - I am so grateful I am sober.  I know it's a dorky thing to write about and  that is why in part (besides being partly pussy) I keep this blog secret - but I can see in all the crazy things like the movie shooting - in the dark parts of addiction.  I mean - am I making sense?  I mean - I used to smoke pot, stare at the wall and just think nasty thoughts about all sorts of people and drink at them and cry.  What if I didn't get help?  Or what if one night while I was drinking and smoking pot I just LOST it or my brain broke?  Look - I don't know for a fact this kid did these things but his brain - according to his eyes - looks broken to me.  I have sort of danced on the edges of trying to help people in the program and now I really want to help.  Also it occurred to me today how important it is to be kind.  Maybe if one person were kind to the person (allegedly this kid) who did this - things might have gone differently.  I don't know - maybe everyone was kind and he was hearing voices or worse was in a black out - I have no idea.  But I do know my part can be different from the path I was on.  I'm so - upset and yet I'm even more passionate about the path of recovery than ever.  Jesus - I have to calm down - I can't get over-stimulated - that's another problem.  Balance.  Gross - so so sad.  Bye Bluebie. 

Sad heart for Colorado.

What a tragedy - so awful - so sickening.  The guy who they are saying did it looks like he just lost his mind.  His eyes look so crazy- sort of out facing to the sides like a heoine addict.  There are so many drugs out there - so much access to - the dark side.  Gross.  I'm so upset right now.  I was so obsessed with - myself today - got here and started reading about this tragedy and now my small problems seem so ridiculous.  I know someone from that area and she was saying how upset she was about it yesterday and I managed to avoid thinking about it or taking it in until today.  Ugh - I feel sick.  I also feel like I am going to explode because it's so hot.  Okay - I need water and I need to stop focusing on this.  I can pray - I will pray - I should have been praying already.  Bye Bluebie - I love you.

I just bought an iron and an ironing board and

it was so much fun.  I would have never done that at Creepy's.  I haven't ironed in YEARS.  It was to confusing trying to find the iron in the B&B and - I don't know - I could not take care of myself there.  It's so fucking strange.  I was like a princess captured in an evil castle.  HA - WHAT??  I was a drunk crazy girl who stayed in a situation way too long.  Ugh - but seriously - I woke up today - walked the dog, made coffee, prayed, walked to the Farmer's Market, ironed and even threw out some garbage.  I NEVER would have done any of that yet - I would have felt so trapped and not wanting to talk to them sitting in the dark.  Fuck - okay - so I'm going to my baby cousin's birthday party in the park in Brooklyn and then I have work.  Tomorrow is serious time to get the apartment together.  I have to clean, do laundry, put the blinds back up - because they are in wrong and I can't put my curtains in - hahaaa.  I can't stop thinking about this woman who fell over in front of me with her friend the other night.  I helped her up and her friend said she has Parkinson's and she was soooo sweet.  She looked amazing also - cute clothes, a tan - cute panties - which I could see because she was on the grouund.  She was also laughing at herself.  It really made me cry.  Also she was really skinny and it was really hard to help her up - so crazy.  I have so much to be grateful for.  Bye Buebie - I love you.

Back to what am I doing?

I could not sleep last night because I was so freaked out about where I am.  I used to go on auditions and send out photos and now I am totally a waitress and I work at a boutique.  A 14 year old could do these jobs and a 14 year old somewhere is probably leading the creative life I want to lead.  Which is what?  I DON'T know!!  I'm so tired and I can't seem to finish moving into that apartment.  I need to clean, put away my books, clean, put back up the blinds which are in to close to the room.  I bought curtains which I can't put in because the blinds aren't in right.  Ugh.  Who cares?  Okay - I'm going to stop writing.  I took tonight off of work - I just can't do it.  I need to get something for my cousin's baby for her party on Saturday.  Alright - I have food, a new vacuum - life is okay - I'm just exhausted and scattered and being hard on myself .  Not so helpful  Bye Bluebs - I love you.

I live by the water.....and there are fireflies!!!

I finally took a walk into the park last night to find a path to be able to run on and in four minutes I saw water and was able to walk right to it.  There are fireflies and green green greens and it smells like freshness and it's SO pretty!!  It's a pretty, pretty park and it FELT soooo wonderful.  How fun is that?  I took a walk for only half an hour but I felt so great afterwards.  I got Chinese food and I couldn't even eat it - I'm not sure if it's because I felt healthier or because I was watching The Human Centipede II.  That movie literally made me gag and I watch the most awful things.  I even had to cover up part of the screen at one point.  G-fucking-ross.  So - okay - now here's the thing.  I put in my own air conditioner and I am - ugh - a customer came in and I lost my train of thought.  Maybe I want to go back to school and get my Master's in Writing.  What about Acting?  I had to use a capital for that also.  I just don't know - I'm not doing it.  I know I just moved but - well - maybe it's not just completely right for me.  Comedy?  I don't do that anymore either and I do like to travel but - I don't know.  I never had any confidence that I would be able to navigate around traveling THAT much.  I'm confused and tired and I want to LIVE.  I LOVE to write.  I LOVE being funny also buuuut.  I have enough time to figure out what I want to do before next Fall - of 2013.  I still need to finish putting the apartment together - I still haven't taken my books out of the boxes.  So strange.  Okay - so I was so freaked out from watching The Human Centipede II that I had to watch 2 episodes of Law and Order to feel better.  That just tells you how gross that movie was.  WHY do I watch those things?  That being said - I still would have watched it.  I went to the house - old house yesterday to get my mail.  I was SOOOOOOO happy when I left!!!  OH MY GOD!!!!  They were just there in the dark house making furniture.  Ew - ewwwwww - ewwwww - ewww.  EWWWW.  Okay - I'm going to stop.  Time to heal from that craziness and move on.  I am going to take a one day writing work-shop and then I will have a better idea of what I want to do.  Okay - okaaayyyyy - bye Bluebies.

What am I doing?

I put up the blinds - a miracle - I bought the power drill and put up blinds.  I bought an air conditioner and I started to put it together.  I just watched 4 episodes of Californication and what am I doing?  Am I never going to have a family?  Be in love again?  Get healthy?  Get in shape?  I'm at a fork in the road again.  I keep seeing y's everywhere only - backwards.  It's so strange - I know it doesn't make sense but that's what I'm seeing.  It's like I'm supposed to go back?  Go back where?  Not drink.  I can't do it.  Californication makes it all seem so awesome only it isn't.  I would never be like them - just alone throwing up by myself.  Fuck - I'm scared - it's so stupid but it isn't.  Backwards y's - what the fuck is that?  Bye Bluebs - I need to sleep.

This neighborhood is so nice it makes me sick.

I just walked the dog and I got a lot of smiles and awwws and holy fuck - not awake yet.  I'm so grumpy - I worked till 2:30 and then I got up at 9:30 for the super to fix the tub and guess who didn't show up?  The super.  I called him and he said he will be here at 12:30 or 1:00.  I waited for 4 hours for the guy to come fix the intercom yesterday - and that was so fucking frustrating.  Okay - and it really smells like cat pee in here when I get home.  You know what's good?  These little girls sit out front with their grandpa and they are the cutest things ever.  They just pet the dog and they asked what happened to her eye.  When I said she got beat up one of them said "Ohhh - that's not fair."  How cute is that?  I think they are 7 maybe?  Totally cute.  So - I still need to get my power drill.  At least I got to work last night.  I need an air conditioner and a power drill.  I also need a better attitude - mine sucks donkey dick right now.  Have you ever seen donkey dick?  Gross - they are gross.  No offense donkeys.  Just  giving a visual to how awful my grumpers attitude is.   Okay - gotta go get some power drillness.  What?  Byeee Blueueeebie - I love you.

I'm going to buy my own fucking power drill.

I never thought I would be able to get my own apartment or do any of the - seemingly - normal things - or even easy - things I have done by myself without a guy.  Now I am going to buy my own power drill and put up my own blinds.  I think I am also going to take a writing class at The Open Center.  I was going to go back to college and get my Master's in writing but maybe I will start with a class first.  I need to do something - I'm so lonely and bored.  So - I made myself an ice coffee just now.  I have saved so much fucking money already by moving - I'm not even kidding.  I mean - I spend so much less.  I haven't spent a single cent yet today - how AMAZING IS THAT?  I have my own fucking ice cubes so I don't need to go buy and ice coffee - I can drink one here for about $3.00 less.  I'm waiting for the super to try to fix the drain in the tub and sink in the bathroom and I'm also waiting for the guy to come fix the intercom.  I might have to go get the power drill on my way downtown.  Hmmmm.  I printed out a map - I don't understand the streets up here yet.  Hey!!  That's interesting right???  Bye Bluebie!!!  I love you!!

Filled with rage.

I woke up grumpy, didn't walk the dog or wash my hair and I look gross and feel gross.  How am I so exhausted?  I tried to put up my blinds last night and I'm pretty sure there is no way I can do it by myself - or even with someone else for that matter.  Maybe I need a power drill?  Then what's the point of buying 10 dollar fucking blinds?  I'm so fucking bored - this is so boring.  I AM SO FUCKING BORED.  Ugh - seriously - at least there is no one in the store right now.  I tried so hard the last 2 days and now I'm just fried.  Dear Lord - okay - okay - I did feel better after I put on make-up.  Yesterday I was showered, cute dress on - cute shoes and I was okay.  Today?  Total disaster.  It could be I am over-reacting.  Could be.  What am I doing?  Should I go back to school?  I wish I could get inspired - really bust through to the next level.  Haha - that made me laugh but I'm serious.  FUCK.  Bye Bluebs.

Shame.

I'm rereading a book called "If The Buddha Got Stuck".  I think I read it when I was drinking still - I don't remember buying it (I found it in the move amongst my books) and I seem to know parts of it but only vaguely.  So yes I must have read it drunk and high.  Okay so yesterday I read this part about shame.  Just as I finished that chapter I got home and that movie Shame had arrived from Netflix.  Well Holy Fuck - wow.  I am just so fucking aware of how much shame I feel all the time.  Shame about getting angry, about farting, about eating too much about sneezing, about not peeing on time - SO MUCH FUCKING SHAME is triggered in me ALL  the fucking time.  And hello - I'm not doing anything like that guy in the movie.  Although whoever lives upstairs is and I wouldn't mind at least a piece of that.  Alright so just now I was walking the dog (WHICH IS SO BLISSFUL HERE!!!)  It's so crazy.  So I'm walking the dog and thinking about how much shame I felt at that house all the time and how - okay - right - I've said all this before.  I tried to not beat myself up for hating Creepy and Princess Turd and the reality is they are enraging people.  HOWEVER I also have to realized that I am triggered to feel shame - I was free to go and not live there at any point and I don't actually think Creepy wanted me to feel shame.  I mean I don't think he wanted me to feel or be my own person or WHO THE FUCK knows.  However I am not living there anymore.  On the subway ride home tonight I was like "I never have to go back there EVER again.  Ever."  How fucking AMAZING is that?  I tried to watch this Ryan Gosling movie where he's a drug addict and I couldn't even finish watching it.  It was so hard to see someone in that cycle of pain.  Did I write that already?  I am ready to move past my rage about the house.  Only it's not happening.  I'm so mad I have to go through this to get past it.  Oh - duh - I have ways to help take care of this.  Great - I'm going to do that right now.  Bye Bluebie!!  I love you.

Soooooo......

I woke up, made coffee, prayed & meditated and then ate the most DELICIOUS blueberry yogurt with fresh blueberries from the Farmer's Market around the corner.  I walked the dog, made some phone calls and now I'm here writing.  I am having so much fun grocery shopping and putting the apartment together.  I went and did laundry for the first time yesterday and had a moment of sheer bliss while standing in front of a fan there in the sun.  Then I had a moment of complete horror while this woman stood too close to me as I folded my towels.  I got Chinese food last night and it was AMAZING.  holy fuck - the Chinese food here is really good.  The best I've ever had.  Really?  I don't know - it was pretty good.  I also had another moment of bliss yesterday when I had sorbet for lunch.  Lemon sorbet.  It was so hot - I don't have an air conditioner yet and I was  hungry but too hot for food.  I thought of the lemon sorbet in my freezer and I ate that and it was total heaven.  I have moved - amazing.  A few times - a lot of times - I have had angry thought towards Creepy and Princess Turd - but - well - I have made the choice to not think about him - them.  I just fucking wrote that and now I'm angry and thinking about them.  My birthday was great - Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, 9/11 Memorial and Little Italy.  Um - I'm not even kidding.  I have to work again tomorrow - time to get back into the swing of things.  I am making it functional and pleasant in here.  It's not as hot today so I'm going to wait on the air conditioner.  I got a good night's sleep and now I can put these blinds up and try to un-clog the drain in the tub.  Okay - okaaaaaayyyy - byeeeee.  I miss my family.  bye Bluebie - love you.

Waking up early is better here!!

I used to be so uncomfortable waking up early in Creepy's house because I had to walk by him sitting in the dark in order to walk the dog and I HATED talking to him first thing.  why am I being so negative?  My program is lacking a bit - I really need a meeting.  I woke up the other morning in Ct. and I was so angry and then I realized I needed a meeting and I brought myself to one.  First time ever.  My sister brought me to meetings (and she's not even an alcoholic - how amazing is that??) but I never took myself.  I could just feel the resentment growing inside me and I knew it was going to lead to a freak out so I got myself to a meeting.  Amazing - I only made 45 minutes of it because I got lost but WOW - what a difference.  I'm back in my new apartment and I already got a good night's sleep, prayed & meditated this morning, made coffee and walked the dog.  I went to Ct. for the Baptism and it was SO wonderful - I am so happy I was able to go - it was really special.  So wonderful to be with the family, be on the farm, go to the beach.  Beautiful.  The baby!!!  Oh my GOD he is such a sweet little monkey.  I never had to worry about my apartment being open or my privacy being invaded while I was gone.  I still have such resentment towards that house - I need to let it go - I can't afford it.  It makes me sick to think about it and I'm in SUCH a better place!!  I have boundaries and borders and privacy!!  I was able to grocery shop yesterday and last night when I was hungry I was able to eat a little bit of hummus and put it back in the fridge.  Then I had a little bit of salsa and put it back in the fridge!!  How fun is that???  I bought my healthy bread that needs to go in the freezer and guess where it is?  THE FREEZER!!!!  I am having a blast washing dishes and putting them in the cupboards and using and rewashing silverware.  And seriously it is 1000 times easier to walk the dog.  She is so blind, poor thing.  She wakes up happy though!!  I have a million things to do and the family is coming in tomorrow for my birthday.  Now I have a year here to figure out what I want to do.  I want a boyfriend, a career and a baby.  Hmmmmm.  Maybe go back to college.  Hmmmmm.  I will be able to have the room now to figure this out.  I can also make muffins!!  Hooray!!!!  Bye Bluebie - I love you!!