I have to write again.....

I just have to say - I am so grateful I am sober.  I know it's a dorky thing to write about and  that is why in part (besides being partly pussy) I keep this blog secret - but I can see in all the crazy things like the movie shooting - in the dark parts of addiction.  I mean - am I making sense?  I mean - I used to smoke pot, stare at the wall and just think nasty thoughts about all sorts of people and drink at them and cry.  What if I didn't get help?  Or what if one night while I was drinking and smoking pot I just LOST it or my brain broke?  Look - I don't know for a fact this kid did these things but his brain - according to his eyes - looks broken to me.  I have sort of danced on the edges of trying to help people in the program and now I really want to help.  Also it occurred to me today how important it is to be kind.  Maybe if one person were kind to the person (allegedly this kid) who did this - things might have gone differently.  I don't know - maybe everyone was kind and he was hearing voices or worse was in a black out - I have no idea.  But I do know my part can be different from the path I was on.  I'm so - upset and yet I'm even more passionate about the path of recovery than ever.  Jesus - I have to calm down - I can't get over-stimulated - that's another problem.  Balance.  Gross - so so sad.  Bye Bluebie.