Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Laptops Work Better on My Lap

Just saying.  Anyway I am so tired.  I went back to work today with the kids - which was great - I missed them.  I am however now exhausted.  Which is okay except that I am terrified to be exhausted.  I have so many fears now - two of them are stress and exhaustion.  These things were so intense in my life before I found out I had cancer and they feel so bad in my body when they happen now.  A little stress is exciting but too much and it feels toxic.  So does being too tired.  It's such a catch 22 with the tired though because if I'm not tired enough I don't go to sleep at night.  Anyway right now I want to take a nap but it's 5:46 in the pm and that's nuts.  No one takes a nap at 5:46 in the pm.  So anyway....here I am - so sleepy and trying not to sleep.  I went for a long walk this morning and I'm taking pretty good care of myself.  I have other work to do.  I love you Bluebiebye.

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Life.

Well I am still alive.  Now I am on a new medication that might make my depression worse but I told the doctor I would try it.  I am now looking into naturopathic oncologists as well.  So I might be jumping off this path of treatment or at least partially jumping off.  Anyway I am glad I did it.  I just want to feel and be healthy.  I went to my second dance class - oh so did I write I went to one dance class?  Well I did and now I went to 2 and IT WAS SO GREAT.  If I am going to die I want to dance and if I live I want to dance.  So I am dancing.  I feel so differently about exercise all of a sudden - I am back to wanting to be in my body.  Anyway I am writing fast because I want to update my website with shows.  Ugh my friend died - another comedian - she was the first person to put me onstage.  Saying onstage is generous to say the least since it was her open mic and by the time I got there it was over and everyone had left.  It was just her in an empty bar.  But she said go ahead and try it.  So I had some stuff written on a napkin and she, my boyfriend and a bouncer from where I worked watched me and I fell in love with comedy.  She did that for so many fucking people - it's so sad.  I don't know what the fuck happened.  I will miss her - she was fucking amazing - a bright, beautiful light.  Fuck.  I want to live now.  I want to live well, healthy and happy if I can.  I went to an alanon meeting this morning and an AA meeting this afternoon.  There was a woman there with a baby and I was looking at them and wondering what kind of pacifier it was he had because it looked so weird and yes where I am going is that it WAS HER BOOB.  I was so grossed out.  I really thought "That is why I don't have kids because GROOOOSSSSSSS."  I LOVE KIDS and BABIES but good Lord no thanks.  Anyway so I also thought how people always say cancer is tough and I really thought how the fuck do these women stay sober with someone literally hanging off their boobs??  Grace I guess.  Anyway I have to go - I'm in a big rush for no reason.  I hope my friend is at peace.  I hope she died peacefully.  I hope she wasn't in pain.  So many people loved her - she is going to have such a beautiful send off.  Life is short and precious.  I want to live well for her.  For all of us.  Um what?  Bye.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Shitting and Puking at The Same Time - An Erotica Tale For The Ages

I got food poisoning yesterday - so from about 5:00 am to about 7:00 pm I puked my guts out and quite a few times was shitting at the same time uncontrollably.  It was fucking horrifying.  I can't believe I'm going to say this but it was even worse than chemo.  In that it was just so out of control and AWFUL.  Anyway the guy took such good care of me and I didn't get sick from doing anything crazy.  I ate healthy and - ugh I ate one chicken skewer though that tasted a little funny compared to the other chicken I ate.  Oh well.  I mean but good God - I am so sick of being sick.  My mind goes to such negative places - it's so awful.  For some reason last night in the middle of the night I kept waking up and my brain just kept repeating "Heteronormative" over and over again.  We had played cards against humanity Saturday night for my ladies night and someone had that card and so it must have stuck in my head but honestly I don't even totally know what it means so when my brain was repeating it I was like "Why??  Why are you on repeat??  I don't even know what that really means!"  Then I would fall asleep and wake up and it would happen all over again.  Ugh.  The good news is that I am feeling better and luckily I was able to just stay home these last 2 days.  I had to cancel my follow-up appointment for radiation but I will just go later in the week.  Good LORD.  So today I am just going to take care of myself.  I already meditated twice and I'm going to do it again.  Ugh I'm exhausted.  Even though I am in bed I am SO HAPPY to not be puking that it's thrilling.  I will be healthy again one day and I will be super healthy and it will be fabulous.  Byeeeeee.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Writing

Mother fuck - I just wrote a whole thing and for some reason it didn't actually get on the page.  I don't have much to say right now (OR DO I??) but I wanted to write, to practice putting words to the page.  So that's what I'm doing!  Words to the page!  I am going out tonight to do shows and I am thrilled except for the part where I feel gross and kind of sick.  It's at least 500% humidity so that always makes me feel icky.  I still feel a little weird about my hair - it looks something like a brillo pad and let me tell you what - I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE THIS BRILLO PAD YOU BET.  THRILLED.  Absolutely overjoyed!  Except for when I am upset that it looks like a brillo pad.  I can kind of shape it and kind of make a part but it still looks odd.  I just can not wear that fucking wig.  Its not going to happen.  It's too hot!  My ego is losing to comfort.  So anyway I feel weird and I have been exercising but you can't tell.  I look like I had triplets 5 months ago.  Did I say that already?  FUN.  Anyway.....okay so I did it.  I put words to the page and now I will put words in the mic.  Byeeeeee.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Fuck A Fucking Duck.

I'm SOOOooooooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOO anxious.  Is it making you anxious seeing that?  It's making me anxious seeing that.  Let's break it down....

1.  I am an anxious person by nature.
2.  I have had to much coffee today.
3. I am hormonal (fun right?)
4.  I am still in treatment for cancer, turned down more surgery and no one has told me I'm completely off the hook as far as cancer goes.  Also I'm uncomfortable in my boob and can't tell if I am in the clear myself - which doesn't totally make sense because I couldn't feel the cancer in my boob till they told me it was there so in essence I am semi-driving myself fucking batshit crazy worried about this cancer that being said I AM STILL GLAD I DIDNT GET MORE SURGERY.
5.  I already mentioned the coffee but I will just mention it again.
6.  I am over-stimulated in general.
7.  I didn't meditate today.
8.  I am so excited and so ready to jump back into shows and show business but I am doing that PUSH thing that hasn't ever worked and IM JUST FLIPPING OUT IN GENERAL.
9.  I am not breathing.
10.  I'm exhausted.
11.  It's hot as fucking fuck out and I just now came into the air-con.
12.  Even though I am so tired and need to relax and re-balance myself I keep "doing one more thing" that then stimulates me more and makes me - NUTS.
13.  I have no idea.

So.  So that's what's happening.  One second - hold please.  Thank you for holding.  Okay so anyway.  That's all - I am just a bit of a mess and I need/want to calm down.  This helped.  Now I'm going to meditate.  WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE NORMAL AND CALM?  JUST - I don't know?  Is anyone normal?  Probs.  OH WELL I WILL NEVER KNOW.  Ha.  byeeeeeee.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Special Day.

Today is a special day because I am alive.  I have lived at least till today and done the best I can.  I am not really out of the woods totally with this cancer.  I still have treatment till November and no one has said I am in the clear.  However I am past a good portion of the treatment and certainly past the part that made me so sick.  I am healing from radiation and most importantly and this is the amazing part - I am appreciating my life.  I AM APPRECIATING MY LIFE.  Holy fuck.  I am also accepting WHO I AM.  Know what else?  Hold onto your fucking pussy hats for this one - I am FORGIVING MYSELF for shit in the past.  I don't fucking care how's that.  Oh well.  I have fucked up and oh well.  I don't care anymore.  Do you know why?  Because I don't have too.  I have to love myself and I can't fucking love myself if at the same time I am beating the shit out of myself because I was a jerk when my mother threw me a surprise 16th birthday party.  I honestly don't think she is thinking about it and so WHY THE FUCK AM I?  Who cares it's over.  This is today and I am enjoying today.  UGH - I'm over it.  We are going to go to diner in a little bit and got to a meeting.  I had a nice quiet day here and that was just what I wanted to do.  Okay I have to pee so bad.  I love you - bye.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Chicken Sausage

Today is a day of reflection and chicken sausage.  It's my birthday tomorrow and after this year I can't help but think back over it.  It was also almost a year ago that I found out I had cancer.  To say I am emotional is an understatement.  Actually at the moment I am not emotional.  I just got off the phone with my sponsor and I had a chicken sausage so I am not crying anymore.  I have been getting this organic chicken sausage from Trader Joe's and it is soooooo good.  I mean GOOD.  Tasty but clean feeling and not too strong - just yummy.  Yeah really good.  I just ate one and wanted 3 more.  Gonna leave it to one right now since it is humid and the humidity is not the time (for me anyway) to eat my way through something.  It's been a long year.  How did I get through it?  The biopsies were so terrifying and so was chemo.  For sure the most physically scared I have ever been.  I am still in treatment till November I think but the really crazy part is past.  I still need to have a work-up of tests and I suppose that is scaring me also.  I made the best choices for myself that I could and I am going to stand by them.  Also when I get nervous about not doing another surgery I want to remember that I am still in chemo.  I am still getting a chemo that is taking care of those specific cancer cells.  I have been working really hard at being more positive and thinking more positively and I think in doing that it is kicking up my disease in a way.  I can feel myself thinking from a different part of my brain.  It is switching to the right side of my brain.  I suppose one day a balanced brain thinking will be good but for now I am so happy it is switching to the right because for whatever reason it feel more positive over there.  Just lighter.  This morning I woke up fairly early and while I was praying and meditating the garbage trucks came.  It was so nice to be awake - and happily awake - while they were going about their morning.  It felt healthy.  I wasn't hung over and I wasn't exhausted from staying up too late and I wasn't enraged.  All of this work I do feels so tedious sometimes but my God - to just be awake and fell healthy and grateful in the morning is such a beautiful thing.  Holy shit I'm tired.  I am taking those kids to the pool today and then I don't think I will see them for 3 weeks.  Which is good - I will get a break and I can keep organizing myself and healing.  I haven't gone on any auditions and I am pretty sure there won't be very many till August.  I remember last year when the kids went away I didn't go on one single audition or at least I don't remember going on very many.  It' slow this time of year and that's fine.  I'm just going to practice today.  Practice grateful right side of the brain thinking.  Practice taking care of myself while being as loving and kind as I can be.  Enjoy this day.  Let my body heal itself.  Practice eating the best I can for today.  Be in this life.  Hear the birds, feel the sunshine, love my guy and be grateful for him.  It's his birthday too!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, July 2, 2018

Yo wut up

It's at least one million degrees outside today and the humidity is 1000 percent.  IT'S HOT.  My hair is growing back!  I actually got a haircut this weekend!  My eyelashes are growing back also.  I like working for my sister and I have been taking the kids to the pool during the week.  I sent some pictures today to my manager to show what I look like.  I sent one without the wig and one with.  She did not reply.  Ha!  So I made this big hoopla about me going back to auditions this week but it looks like it's going to be a slow start - which is fine.  I'm still tired and healing.  I still have chemo till December!  I think though that it's only going to be the one chemo because the other one was making me too sick.  SO.  I am so sleepy.  I jogged today!  Indoors on the treadmill in the AC because FUCK THAT SHIT.  I am going to lead a meeting tonight so I have service to do for the next few months - that's good.  We went to the beach yesterday and it was great.  I have to wear a sun shirt because my skin can't be exposed to the sun after radiation for awhile.  It's still healing from that so I just was really careful and left it on - even in the water.  I've been doing this whole 30 diet again......when I did it last year I found out I had cancer.  I still can't believe it - I had cancer.  I went through fucking chemo.  I had surgery.  I had radiation.  I did all that and I still fucking did comedy.  I have some new love and lust for comedy - I don't know why or what that's about.  I mean - I LOVE IT AGAIN.  I want to do it all the time.  I can't though because I need to be healthy and balanced.  I don't know - I was hoping I would be acting sooner.  How do I do this?  I miss creative people.  I miss laughing with comics.  I am fucking sweating.  I have to go and my computer is about to shut down.  This thing does more updates!  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYEEEEEEE.