Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Gramps died.

Ohhh - and I didn't get to say good-bye.  I just missed him.  They said he asked for me too.  Awwww - do you know he wasn't even my real Grandfather?  He married my Grandmother when my father was 12 and she had 2 kids.  He was the only Grandfather I knew - I mean - he was my Grandfather and my father called him Dad.  Awww - poor guy.  But he died warm in a bed and with people visiting him everyday and he lived in his own house until he was 92.  Pretty amazing right?  So anyway - such is life.  This wasn't nearly as hard as when my Grandmother died - I mean he looked like an elf at Thanksgiving - it was clear he wasn't doing so well.  This seemed to be harder on my father for some reason.  Maybe because Gramps wasn't nearly the ball buster my Grandma was.  So - well - so that was sad.  We went to the freezing cold beach yesterday and had a nice little dinner - then I went to bed at 9:30 so I could get up and be back here for the store.  You know the new year is coming in and if I could really just let go of some more resentments that would be amazing.  I'm so resentful of working here - which is crazy.  Or not - who knows.  I got on the train at &:20 this morning so I rode along the shoreline as the sun came up and when I tell you it was beautiful - it does not even do it justice.  Shockingly beautiful.  Even though I kept singing out "Cuuuunt!"  "Cuuuunt!!"  because some woman bowled me over to get the seat with the table.  Hello - there were exactly 4 of us getting on the train there was no need for running overness.  So I just kept singing that out to her and it made me feel better.  Sort of.  It also made me feel like a completely out of control douche and it made me just WISH that I could not CARE that SHE was a douche.  Let's get back to the shoreline.  The train rides along Long Island sound and because it's so cold out and it was so early - the light off the water was sooooo pretty and so simple.  I would see this beautiful marsh with little patches of water and  one bird just flying around off the water.  Or a larger body of water, the marsh and 5 birds.  Clouds, sun , crisp air - amazing.  How is it so beautiful to me?  I just absolutely love it.  "Cuuuunt!"  On another note - I hosted that show on Sunday night and it was great - wait - did I write about that already?  I love you Bluebie.  Let's have fun, and dance in 2014!!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Another show, another brunch......

Dear Lord in heaven I worked another brunch today and it was so insane. HAhahaha I got in trouble for flirting with this gorgeous gay host that works there, too much.  This kid is gorgeous and he's gay but he's smoking hot and LOVES to flirt with me.  Hugs me - stares me in the eyes - talks to me - and he's totally goofy and funny and did I mention gorgeous.  The whole package, tall, dark, handsome, funny and gay - ALL THE THINGS I LOVE.  Smoking hot body.  Um - you know if that guy wants to rub his ass on me and hug me - I'M GOING TO LET HIM.  But then my manager asked me to be professional and save it for after work.  Professional??  Haha - I just actually laughed - I mean it is a great place but it is sooooo gay and - okay - right maybe I shouldn't be pretending to fuck the gorgeous host in the ass at the water station - no matter what kind of place it is but he's so cute - I couldn't help myself.  Anyway so I had to host a show tonight after work and I wasn't expecting it and I didn't have clothes with me so I went to Whole Foods and bought a shirt, shoes and earrings.  I'm not even kidding and I looked a million times better.  That was all that was opened after my meeting and there was no way I was going to be able to host a show smelling like pancakes and feeling gross with dirty sneakers on.  I went to Lucky Burger and changed super fast in the bathroom.  It was a pretty good show.  Some people left because they had their children with them and they didn't like my blow-job joke or the first guy's joke about being a pedophile.  I just  got so tired.  I need to wake up and go see my parents and my poor Grandpa that is dying.  So tired, fighting a cold and - well - but that show was so fun - I really loved it and I did the job - I hosted and got the show over with when she wanted it to be.  AND - I got paid.  SO AWESOME.  Okay I'm starting to fall asleep.  Hopefully I will be able to write more tomorrow.  Love you Bluebie.

Friday, December 27, 2013

No hot water this morning......

and I was SO upset and I couldn't take a shower.  Do you know when I was drinking I NEVER took a shower.  Never - hardly ever and certainly not that often.  One time I didn't wear deodorant for like months - I'm not sure why - to avoid getting Alzheimer's I think - which is SO ironic since I was getting high every 2 minutes, smoking cigarettes and drinking like a fish.  Okaaaay.  So I only really smell bad in my left armpit and so I burned a hole in a bunch of my t-shirts armpits on the left side.  I was working one night at this comedy club and I backed up near this comic with my left armpit by his face and he was like "Oh My GOD - you smell like an Indian cab driver."  And he said it soooo shocked and confused and QUIETLY.  Haha - GROSS.  So today was one day where I couldn't take a shower and I was so upset!  I just got distracted - I got up and ate some hummus - oh dear God I hope that wasn't a bad idea.  Anyway I worked today and I wasn't supposed to and I went tot his meeting and in the middle of it my therapist called and asked where I was because I totally forgot to go to the therapy.  Do you know the most amazing thing?  I was at a meeting right around the corner.  Oh my God it was so crazy to me.  So awkward too because I jumped up and ran out of the meeting like a crazy person after I had already moved once to get away from a lady with such cunty energy I had to move.  I had to move!!  She was such a cunt.  That can't be nice to say.  Well I didn't say it - I got up and moved - good for me.  I saw my sisters and my niece yesterday and they watched my show and then we went to see a band play and we danced and it was sooooooooo much fun.  I am dancing this year.  I'm having fun and I'm dancing.  I have to get up and waitress brunch at 6 am.  Talk about fun!  Love you Bleubie - you are my dream.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Fun.

Okay so I made a list of goals for 2014 and one of them is to have fun.  Also I realized that that is what I want from a relationship - I want to have fun.  I saw some family tonight and we had fun.  I did a show and they came and then we went to another show and that was fun.  FUN.  I have always had this romantic, painful notion of what a relationship should be like.  The hot guy who is in emotional turmoil, I'm in turmoil - and together somehow we have fun and have a life?  EW and no and DONE.  I want to have FUN!!  What is the fucking POINT otherwise.  Dear LORD I feel like my fun is about to burst out of me.  I'm so tired - more working tomorrow - worked today and I did a good job on the show.  Yeah - and it was fun.  Maybe I should say fun one more time.  Ha.  Love you Bluebie - you're the tops.  OH ALSO WE DANCED TONIGHT!!  I'm getting a head start on my goal to DANCE.  Which is fun!  Okay bye.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Going to be positive......

even if it hurts - which it will.  I have jobs.  I have food - whatever food I want.  I have a loving family - they keep calling me even though I can't be with them which is so thoughtful and kind.  I have on new underwear and I have holiday hair.  I have a warm apartment.  I have stamps with Ray Charles on them.  I am involved in programs.  I have water.  I get to pray and meditate on a regular basis and I appreciate and love that beyond.  It has been quiet at the store today and I love that.  The delivery guy was nice to me today even though I was being grumpy, insistent, and needy.  Gross for me - yeah for him.  I have a meeting to go to tonight after work.  I have been sober for 4 years and 4 months.  A dear friend from another COUNTRY sent me a surprise gift that touched me SO MUCH.  I'm okay.  I feel very grumpy and annoyed - I have no idea even why except that more often than not - I feel that way - BUT - I know it will pass.  I also thank the good dear Lord for my sense of humor because otherwise I wouldn't be able to handle anything and also - no one would be able to handle me.  In gentleness and let-go-ness - Amen - Merry Christmas - I love you bye.

Monday, December 23, 2013

OKAY!

Let's just start with where I am - right man???  I just went to the grocery store right off the train to try and find once again the peppermint bark haagen daaz ice cream that I can't find anywhere.  So I am psychotically searching through the ice cream section and someone walked by and growled at me and it was that creepy man who rubbed me weird at that meeting.  He smiled all weird and said something weird and I said "Hi."  He said "how are you" - I said - "Yeah - good."  That was it - I was polite and short and I couldn't find the ice cream so I left.  He was standing in line and said - I'm not kidding - "Sorry I didn't mean to growl at you" - then started growling more - of course - along with some grunting - I'm not kidding and I said "Have a good night."  I got the fuck out of there and at this moment I can have compassion for him because he didn't look very well and I suppose he is not and Lord knows - I know how that is right?  I really, really do.  That being said - I can have my boundaries and take care of myself and not only that - I SHOULD.  Jesus.  I want absolutely nothing to do with that man at all.  Okay - so that's all - I was really proud of myself for not only being short but polite but even for STILL being kind as he was grunting at me in the super market.  Like a monkey - it was so bizarre.  I mean I had on my waitressing clothes - dirty sneakers - I was a mess - and I was psychotically searching through the freezer.  Okay I'm not writing about this anymore it was so annoying.  I had a decent day - I worked hard and I got myself some cute underwear.  GOOD FOR ME.  I also dry shampooed my hair this morning and that was fun.  I also took a dry shower which means I didn't take a shower and I feel super gross right now.  I tried to tell myself that in the 1800's no one took a bath for months at a time so one day is like nothing.  Turns out it's a lot.  Oh BOY.  I'm so tired and I still have 6 more days of work this week and 2 shows.  That's okay though!  2 shows is awesome!  I don't have class for 3 weeks so 2 shows is amazing.  Okay - love you Bluebie.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Sober gifts.

Last night when I was in class I thought of how terrified I was to be in that class at the beginng and how it was such a wonderful gift I have given myself that I have stayed in the class and how much it has given me in my creative life.  I mean - my acting has grown so much from being in the class - I have learned so much - such an amazing gift.  Okay then I thought about how I am sober and how I have always wanted to be sober and how I feel so blessed to also be sober.  Then I thought well - I have these things right?  I am a sober woman and I am a growing - even if slowly - artist.  These are such beautiful, wonderful, amazing gifts to have.  I don't have any material things to speak of - besides amazing bangs at the moment - but I do have more peace of mind than I have ever had in my life that I can think of.  Or - whatever - I am a sober woman who is in love with her acting teacher but at least I am becoming a much better actress because he is an excellent teacher.  To be fair I'm in love with 50 other people but still - I love him.  Haha - okay I have to go waitress brunch.  HA!  Sigh.  I love you Bluebie - bye.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Frustration.

I'm so frustrated but let me begin with the ending which is I'm home, I talked to my friend from class and I'm eating my mediocre stew.  I didn't go to McDonald's and when I was really sad on the train I thought to myself "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me or feels about me - it's what I think and feel about myself and what God feels about me."  So I know that sounds lame but it made my heart feel so much better.  I remember reading a friend's blog from years ago where she talked about soothing herself.  How she knew how to get home and make herself a baked potato and what to do to make herself feel better - in a healthy way.  It really stayed with me and I know for me at least a huge part of being healthy emotionally has been to learn to self-soothe.  This stew has gotten better actually.  I took care of myself today - got a haircut, got a manicure & a pedicure, mailed the kids presents, went to therapy, went to class.  Can you even imagine - for the life of me I just don't understand why my teacher doesn't love me.  I left class so disappointed.  In my work tonight, in his lack of love for me - I mean as a WOMAN - HA - do you know what I said to him?  We don't have class for 3 weeks and I said "Whatever will we do for 3 weeks till class starts again?"  He said "Rest, audition - whatever."  And I said "Maybe I will start dancing again in between."  And he said "Yes - dance - bye-bye."  OH MY GOD WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR???  "Whatever will we do in between classes????"  What was I trying to get him to ask me out???  YES BUT WHY - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???  Oh my God - I walked to the elevator and I was like "REALLY - maybe I will dance again?"  Fuck.  I meant go to dance class and I also meant LOVE ME YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND PASSIONATE AND AMAZING.  Most of the time.  Haha - you had to see his face - he was like okay bye I have a date see ya.  I was like well if that book He's Just Not That Into You taught me anything I can say he is not that into me.  I also felt like he wasn't even into my acting.  Ugh - really I probably just need a break.  I'm so confused.  My friend and I are writing our goals for 2014 and also what we did that was good in 2013 - what we accomplished.  So - okay - that will make me feel better.  Goals.  I'm just sad and lonely but - well - sigh - life is sad and lonely sometimes I guess.  Fuck I 'm crying but my nose tickles so is it even real?  I don't even know him my teacher - maybe he is - not good for me.  Oh boy - someone's alarm was going off in the building.  I'm going to stop writing now.  I love you Bluebie - love you true.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Well - I don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't write right now - I feel so vulnerable.  What?  I do.  It was such a hard day which seems ridiculous - I just sit there all day at the store and basically do nothing.  I cleaned up - I straightened things out - I ate, I drank water and tea.  I wrapped the kids presents and I talked to my parents.  I told my Father I forgot my phone at home and he said "Well I called you twice and you should know - no one answered your phone at home."  Ha - that made me laugh.  That and my Mother telling me she watched Inglorious Bastards and that Brad Pitt "Is actually kind of sexy."  HA - omg - yeah - kinda.  She said "Well I never really thought of him like that before."  Hahahaaa - that really made me laugh.  I'm SO SAD I'm not going home for Christmas I want to vomit.  Lord - I got sooo sad today that I almost - I'm not going to write about it.  I'm just not giving it any power.  I went that Big Book meeting again and I felt better afterwards - I really did.  It has some of the cutest guys at that meeting!  Lord.  Well I don't know - I just went to look at my friend who stayed over - her friends facebook page and she has unfriended me - her friend.  What?  I mean does this even make sense - I've never even MET her and my feelings are hurt.  Haha - I laughed a little.  I'm so fucking tender - TENDER.  Self-centered?  Tender.  Overly sensitive?  Tender.  I need to go now - I have so much to do tomorrow.  Love you Bluebie - how do you stay so true??

Oh GOD - ugh.

I'm so stressed out and exhausted.  Okay - but I'm sort of taking care of myself.  Right?  What?  I mean I waited until I got paid, paid all my bills and THEN went Christmas shopping.  Working 6 days a week is hard and I can't afford to not do that.  I'm fighting off a cold.  It's so, so , sooooo much better that I am not at the comedy club but I made more money there or - well when it was good - I made more money there.  Okay - I went to a meeting last night and I got Christmas presents.  I went home and ate my mediocre stew and I went to bed early.  I still couldn't wake up but I got to work only 10 minutes late - unshowered.  2 steps forward, one day not showered, back.  Whatever.  Okay I was on call tomorrow but Larni is going to cover it so I will have one day off which is all I need to get myself together.  I will get a haircut, sleep late and be able to take care of myself and the rest of the Christmas presents.  This is going to be hard not going home for Christmas at all.  Oh - I'm lonely and I forgot my phone at home.  I'm just out of it.  I had such a nice visit with my friend - oh my GOD!!  Talk about miracles!!  I was able to make us dinner and then I left her in my apartment so she could sleep while I went and hosted an 11:00 show - an 11:00 p.m. show and I wasn't even nervous about leaving her in my apartment!!!!  Talk about a miracle.  The show was so much fun - I was a way better host this time.  Then the next morning we had coffee and I left for work and left her in the apartment again so she could take her time getting ready.  I just was always so uncomfortable leaving anyone around my things before.  Or just embarrassed I guess also.  Anyway - it was such a joy to have her in my place - she is such a dear, sweet, funny friend.  I feel so gross right now - I need to get some fresh air.  After this woman leaves I'm going to run to the bank - get some air and sun.  Water also - I am dehydrated which always makes me feel like I am on drugs.  Ugh - okay - bye Bluebie I love you.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Poem.

Bleeding
annoyed
learned another lesson
fucking great
Oh boy.
Now I'm waiting
even more stressed out
should have never
even left the house.
Right?  No - no it's great I left the house.
Bye.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Unmanageable.

Did I even spell that correctly?  Lord have mercy - my life is unmanageable.  The first step for drunks is - 1. Came to believe that we are powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.  Is that the first step - OMG - I don't even know.  Okay - yes - that's it.  Whew - okay.  Who says whew - I don't know I guess I do.  I just don't know how to keep it all straight and listen - it's just me.  I'm so confused keeping acting, comedy (what little of it there is), my laundry, food - blah, 2 jobs straight.  I don't even know what is happening.  Okay - this is where I am going to turn to the 4 agreements.  Always do your best.  I am at this moment going to do my best and today - today I did my best.  I woke up, prayed & meditated, worked - SHOWERED - I KEEP TAKING SHOWERS AMAZING, got some groceries and flowers, went to the meeting around the corner from my house, returned 2 phone calls, heated up my newest crockpot mediocre dish and talked to my sponsor.  Now I just need to clean a little bit - that's all - just give myself 45 minutes - I can do it - right?  Go to work tomorrow at another job - oh my fucking JOB.  That's what I'm going to start saying instead of oh my God.  OMJ.  Oh my Job.  OMJ.  I'm never going to remember this - ugh - byeeeee Bluebie I love you.  

Sunday, December 15, 2013

More stew, more perception.

Larni made me laugh so hard today at work I got my period - a day early!  What the fuck?  Anyway - it was an okay day - I still love this job one million times more than the other waitressing job but I'm over being poor - I mean I am OVER IT.  That being said - I worked hard, went to a meeting and then went to Whole Foods and got stuff to make lentil, sweet potato stew in my crock pot.  I came home and made it!  I even did the dishes and took out the garbage.  So - so for less than the amount of money I paid for one order of stew from that place that always forgets my hot sauce - I just made enough stew for an entire week.  I also wanted to have something for my friend who is a vegan now.  I'm so tired.  Ugh.  I keep going.  I got mad while I was making the stew but then I remembered I WANTED to make the stew - hello - and that I LOVE to cook.  Then I was like - ugh this is so perception.  I always think I'm a victim but hello - I am not.  What?  I'm so tired - I can't think straight.  This is one thing I think for sure.  I have to do my comedy differently.  How?  I don't know - things have to be different - I need to take a different road a different approach - I need a different perception for that also.  So as an alcoholic I have a terrible perception of everything - like I guess if I were touching the elephant in the room I would always think I was touching the butt hole - right?  Do you know what I'm talking about?  Anyway - so whoa - my perception of my art also has been way off.  Okay - well - I don't know.  I mean I don't know.  Yeah I said that 5 times.  Do you know what's really weird?  I have less neck wrinkles lately.  I mean my neck looks different - less wrinkley.  I don't know - I look less old - how crazy is that?  It's amazing right?  Is it not being up till 3 in the morning at the comedy club?  Was the stress of it really so toxic that it gave me neck wrinkles or am I just more hydrated somehow?  My eyes don't leak as much either.  My eyes would leak so much the day after working there.  Just really watery eyes - for houuurs.  Good lord.  Comedy party tomorrow night.  Comedy Holiday party - I should go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Eating peanut butter out of the jar......

and it's so good.  So fucking good.  Skippy.  Who eats anything but Skippy?  I just went to Rite Aid (the grocery store was closed) and all they had was Jiff.  I literally sat there staring at the shelf for a full minute - I even read the label and had this horrible taste sense memory of the grossness of Jiff and I was like no WAY.  Then I went to the bodega - OH MY GOD IM SO BORING - I'm writing about peanut butter - holy fuck.  Oh my GOD though this Skippy is so good I'm petting my OWN hair.  COME ONE - I just couldn't chance it with Jiffy - sorry Jiffy lovers - I love Skippy.  Okaaaay - anywaaaaay.  It is so fucking cold out - 20 degrees - that's cold right?  I left the store and I was like "Okay - I'm going to be a hero to myself and show up to this orientation and go to a meeting - no one else will be there but I will be there."  Of course almost cancelling before each place and at each place there were TONS of people.  I was like "Oh - holy shit - people show the fuck up!!  Alright!!"  I even had the balls to introduce myself to people but only after other people did too.  I have to say the speaker a the meeting had on a green pants suit - like one piece from the 70's and she made jokes that weren't funny but people laughed and I tried to say thank you but the pants suit prevented me from doing that - I just couldn't.  I saw that fucking one piece green pants suit and I was like "oh boy - no no I'm just going to have to go."  Then this other guy was talking about - WHO THE FUCK KNOWS what - moisture in his mouth and being present and we were all designed for this one moment and I just wanted to scream "SHUT THE FUUUUCKKK UUPPP!"  Oh my dear God - am I ever going to be able to listen to people be open and vulnerable without wanting to stab them in the throat?  I don't know - I'm such a turd I just don't get that.  I mean he's probably totally right and I'm just not evolved but there is a part of me that gets upset when people talk about sobriety in trippy, druggy ways.  I mean - I always wanted to be so "Yeah man - peace - for sure - yeaaaah - looove."  But drugs just made me implode or explode or trip out like a douche bag.  So I guess I get upset when people seem like they are talking hippy talk in sobriety.  But also maybe he's newly sober right?  Maybe that's what he needed to say and maybe what he said really helped someone.  It helped me to have something to write about.  If I had to really guess he's probably in love with someone who goes there and that's who he was "talking" to.  I just imagined that girl in the green pants suit cremeing the fuck out of her pants suit.  So I guess that it's nice people in sobriety find each other.  He was SO CUTE - holy shit but he started talking and I was like oh boy - ohhhhhh no sir - nopeity nope nope.  I need to find some sarcastic - what?  Oh hot guy.  Who isn't a douche.  Great - I have a goal.  I love you Bluebie bye.

Anyway - 5 minutes later......

she doesn't control how I feel - I do and the reality is I've been having a hard time all week and maybe at a different time it wouldn't have bothered me as much.  Dear GOD - seriously I'm clearly not over this yet!!  I have to poop.  Bye.

I HAD A REALIZATION!!!!!!

Hahahaaa - oh my GOD and it's probably the same one I have had 50 times.  I got my ass out of bed today, prayed and meditatedish (I was having way trouble with that today) and got ready and got out the door early enough to go pick up my check from the new job and to the store - EARLY.  Then I got right to work finishing everything from yesterday and I sent Tawnie Looner a message asking her to send my pay stubs to my house since they always go to her.  I'm so embarrassed to say I was just afraid to ask for them.  She pays me direct deposit and I have no idea why she gets them but - well I just sort of tapped out of taking responsibility for that.  But today - I took the responsibility and then - ugh - whatever.  I was on time and it occurred to me that I would have probably been late today and I would have left already to go to the bank and blah, blah, blah.  MY REAL POINT (HERE WE GOOO!!!) is that if I were doing my job correctly and not fucking off then maybe I wouldn't have gotten so overly sensitive to her yesterday.  I mean did I really expect heaps of praise because I'm doing my job for once?  Or for that matter - was I really expecting her to be BALANCED - EVER?  So - SO LOOK HOW MUCH I HAVE GROWN.  Ugh - I need to get my period stat.  Hahaha - byeeeeeee.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I just emotionally ate the rest of my stew.

I'm not even kidding.  Holy shitballs the owner of the store - have I ever given her a name - she needs a name - what rhymes with saber tooth?  Saber Poof?  Satin Goof?  Batshit Roof?  She's got these teeth that she talks out of the side - oh dear GOD - any fucking way - she came into the store twice today and the second time she came in she got really mad at me and made me cry.  Somehow I managed to not destroy anything or quit or send her a message - or any of the other things I wanted to do.  I went to a meeting and shared about it but didn't really feel better but here's where this lame ass story of me being a victim of some nut bag cunt on the upper east side (again) actually gets interesting.  I called my sponsor and she talked me through doing this 4th step on her where at the end of it - I change my mind about my story in my head that always happens.  WHAT?  How confusing is that sentence?  So I always think I'm a victim of the nut bag cunt - right?  But I'm not - this is how she is and I don't have to work there and I don't have to put a title on myself because of her.  I can move on and grow and me taking a shit on the floor and then dropping the keys off to her doorman with a note that says "GO FUCK YOURSELF" will only hurt me.  Am I making any sense?  Probably not but I feel so much better after working with my sponsor so that's great.  I feel like I have a different perception on what happened and that's what I really need in my brain - a different perception.  UGH - I'm SO DONE being a victim - seriously.  I just ate 2 huge bowls of beef stew and I feel so gross.  Or full - I just feel full.  I'm going to shove an ice cream cone on top.  What's her name?  Cunt Bag?  Can I just call her that?  That's not very creative.  Lawy Torn.  What?  No.  Tawry Loon.  Tawry Loon.  Her name is Tawry Loon.  Tawnie Loon for short.  Tawnie Looner.  Haha - that is making me laugh.  Tawnie Looner.  I'm going to practice doing an impression of her.  RIGHT NOW BYE.

Okay - this day got better.

I woke up after a horrible drinking dream that just went on and on - and it was like a dream in a drea - awful.  I was sad - it's the anniversary of the awful thing and - well - that was so hard.  It's still hard I just somehow got my shit together enough to do a LOT of recovery work and I took care of myself - drank a ton of water and listened to 2 phone meetings and I am going to go to one meeting as soon as I get out of work.  I'm going to go home after that and cook some food and rest.  Get my shit together.  Get a good night's sleep.  Okay - so that's all.  I was so, so, sososoooooo grateful to have this job to wake up for today.  To get clean and showered for, and out of the house.  What a blessing.  You know it was freezing today and I was like "Oh boy - I better wear those big ugly pants with tights underneath them - I'm cold and I feel gross."  Then at the last minute I put on tights - STILL and cute pants.  I mean I almost made the CHOICE to choose pants that would make me feel like crap.  Do you know what else?  THESE PANTS ARE WARMER TOO.  Weird.  So weird.  Anyway - whatever - I don't know anything I'm just so glad I'm not drinking right now and not planning on it later.  Love you Bluebie - stay true to you - haha - bye.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

So grumpy.

Ugh - I was going to write why - but who cares?  I just am - I'm so grumpy.  Ugh - it will get better and it will shift and change.  Hopefully after I walk to this meeting and after I walk to class.  Usually the walking helps make me feel better and - dear GOD - I can't help any more people.  There's this one woman who comes in here - at least once a week when I'm working and she looks and asks questions AND NEVER BUYS ANYTHING EVER.  She always acts like a VICTIM which is EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW.  Ohh boy.  A customer said that to me the other day.  He asked me for something while I was doing something else and I was flustered and he said "OH - I didn't mean to put you out this early in the morning (yes - like a douche).  So I said "Ohhh - are you being passive aggressive (all sing-songy - go fuck yourself type way)?"  Then he said "Oh boy.  Ohhh boy."  I laughed like a turd and walked away and then 10 minutes later the rest of his party arrived and they were my table - OF COURSE.  Then he said "I have to apologize - I AM passive aggressive!"  SO I said "Good job - you did it!"  Ohhhh boy.  That was nice right?  He must have had a halfway decent mother or he has grown tremendously from a bad one.  Oh my God - what?  What am I talking about?  I'm so out of it - okay bye Bluebie bye.

Monday, December 9, 2013

I had soemthing so profound to say but I can't remember what it was.......

I'm heating up the stew I made last night while I slept and I added green beans.  I am so tired.  Hello - I'm going to make myself an ice cream cone.  I am not even kidding you - I love my new job and I love coming home and putting on pajamas SO MUCH.  It is so amazingly cozy to put on comfy  clothes after running around all day.  Okay - so I worked and I wen to the audition and it was a disaster.  Whatever - it happens.  All in all I had no real point in being there and I wasn't really prepared and I ALSO COULDN'T REMEMBER HER NAME - UGH.  She said "Bye - and my name" and I said "Bye."  AWKWARD.  But also I asked her what she was working on and she went on and on about being in between projects and crunch time and she "wants a break but isn't getting one so YEAH - thanks for coming in."  What the fuck is that?  She totally did not even answer.  I went to my friends party - Larni met me there and do you know I didn't have time to get her a present and the only thing that was opened around was a sex shop so I got her a sexy Santa outfit.  She's hot as shit and dresses like whore - PROUDLY - and she loved it.  It was another girls' birthday also and I got her a gift certificate for a manicure.  I spent more than I should have but - come on - how amazing is it that I showed up to a party with gifts?  Because I'm not being completely a maniac with my money I could do that.  AND HELLO - if I had my shit together more I could have gotten them cheaper presents SOONER.  Note to self.  Oh my God - my mother was always giving our teachers homemade jam in jars as gifts.  With a bow.  She was so far ahead of the curve with those jam jars.  I'm not kidding you - this stew is fucking amazing.  Holy shit.  Okay - so whatever - I have no idea what I was going to say.  My teacher called me and left such a nice message and I went to listen to it and obsess over it 50 times and I DELETED IT instead.  Oh WHY?  Haha - I would have been listening to that for a year.  Okay - I love you Bluebie - you are so nice to come home to - too.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Beef stew.

I waitressed all day, went to a meeting, did some more grocery shopping (I FORGOT THE PEANUT BUTTER!!!!) and then came home and made more beef stew in the crockpot.  Can I tell you how fucking happy making that beef stew made me???  All I did was cut up some onions, peel some garlic, put the broth and the carrots and everything in a pot and it made me SO HAPPY.  How do I love to cook so much after serving people all day?  I absolutely adore cooking.  I didn't even really do anything but it was so satisfying - so calming - so WARM.  Okaaaay - last night I boiled 4 eggs and it was thrilling.  Haha - whoa.  So - yeah I don't know - I started to read that book again - Creativity and Flow and this guy is so scientific and blah, blah, blah about the science of creativity but what I just read blew my mind.  He said - basically the successful, creative people never stop being creative first of all - and most of all - THE LOVE IT MORE THAN ANYHTHING.  I have no idea if that's what he totally said and I'm too fucking tired to lean over and look at the book but love - he said they love what they do - and what I always hear people say is they would do it no matter what.  So for me - right now - is that acting?  I don't know - I mean I do know I'm just afraid to say it but yes - I love acting more than anything and performing on any level.  Am I in love with comedy right now?  No - or I don't know - not how I've been doing it - or how I used to do it.  I need to regroup - rethink - reframe.  Yes - and flow the love and the warmth.  Keep learning - keep going, keep FLOWING.  I'm so tired - I have to be up to work again tomorrow morning and I have a long day also.  Work, an audition, my friend's party and then my boutique work week.  good lord - you would think just working at jobs were what I love!  HAHAHahahaaaa - sigh.  Whatever - I'm grateful for these jobs - beyond.  Love you Bluebie - bye.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Up, down, confused - more lesbian meeting.

Okay - yesterday I had a great day - I really did - I got up, picked up my headshots, went to the audition and passed it this time, dropped off pictures to my new manager, went and got my check, went to a meeting, went to therapy, went to class - came home.  GREAT!  It was raining all day and I still loved it.  Today - today I worked for 9 hours at the new job and then at the end of the day someone fucked up so we couldn't get paid - UGH.  Now the guy who hired me is leaving and he scheduled me for the whole week of Christmas AND - AND for the days of the new year - WHEN I WORK AT THE STORE.  But he is leaving so what does he care.  But  I went to that lesbian meeting again and that made me feel so much better.  I stayed for the whole thing and I came home and bought myself groceries and took out the trash, put on the humidifier with grapefruit oil in it and burned some incense.  I have on my pj's and I ate some yummy food.  I mean years ago I couldn't even put on pj's - I couldn't let myself be that comfortable.  And listen if it doesn't work out at this job that's fine because I want to ACT and do COMEDY and make MOVIES and have fun AND GET PAID FOR IT.  Do you know who the worst people in the world are?  People who want eggs at 8 in the morning only for some bizarre reason they don't want to make it themselves.  I guess it's all the way too early eaters and way too late eaters - they just suck balls.  Anyway - so well - I am going to concentrate on doing my best at this job but realizing it might be a total cluster fuckness with this guy leaving - holy fuck.  Or not - who knows.  Whatever - I'm sober - that's good right?  Thank God for that and what else?  I still love my teacher - oh my GOD more than ever.  He helped me so much with the audition!!  But that's HIS JOB - ugh - it's not because he loves me. HAhahahhahahHA - I'm 14 years old.  Ew.  Barf.  I have to go.  I love you and your cyber Blueberriness.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Home after small gay meeting and I'm so depressed.

I'm not getting back into the swing of comedy - I'm so fucking tired and I'm SORE and seriously - the super never, ever, EVER stops smoking cigarettes.  I'm too in this - I'm too up close to myself - I'm losing it.  I feel depressed that's all.  I went to this little tiny, gay mens meeting and I felt SO MUCH BETTER afterwards.  I just need rest I guess.  I'm crazy PMS or something.  I took Advil, I will take a bath and do some yoga.  I'm just lonely and miserable - UGH.  Okay - time to stop writing again - it's just so scary - I've been so much better and now - I'm crazy again.  But - well - tomorrow is a new day.  Right?  I mean it is - whatever.  Okay - bye.  UGH.

Misery.

So grumpy - I feel so gross.  I have an audition tomorrow - one I set up myself and now I wonder if I shouldn't have done that.  I worked with my teacher - did I write about this already?  I'm losing my mind.  I feel gross - so bloated and gross and ALONE.  FAT AND ALONE.  UGH.  I did just drink a lot of water - THAT SHOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING.  Well - oh well - I guess dreary, dark, miserable, fat days happen.  Okaaaay - so I need a meeting.  I just can't stand how it smells anywhere.  I think I'm going to move to California with one of my sisters.  I'm so bored and I can't stand how this city smells anymore and nothing is happening here for me.  I mean I guess I have to accept I'm not going to get to have children - okay - fine - I need to stop writing - I'm seriously - a wreck right now.  Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Oh my GOD - how did I ever do anything before?

I worked at the store today and I had to rearrange the whole place so I really had to WORK today - blech.  I worked on my audition after work with my teacher, ran over to my friends and wrote a little bit and ran back to the studio to rehearse for class.  Do you know I ordered food from this place this morning and they have the best hot sauce and I always ask for it and they always forget it - or they forgot it once or twice.  Anyway they forgot it today and when I called back the guy said "Yeah he will bring it" and then HUNG UP ON ME!!  I was so mad!!  Oh my GOD - it's not my fault you have amazing hot sauce or that you gave it to me by mistake once and that's how I know I even LIKE IT.  Jerks.  SO I called him BACK AGAIN and I said "he doesn't have to bring it and you hung up on me and that wasn't nice!!"  And he said sorry and the guy brought the hot sauce and I'm never ordering there again.  I ate that hot sauce and tried to figure out how to make that meal I ordered at home.  How can I ever order there again?  One time I ordered chicken and they brought tofu instead (this was before I even KNEW about the hot sauce) and I ate it and then ordered tofu from them all the time.  What turds.  I was proud of myself that I called them back and it WASN'T nice that he hung up on me!!  Well at least I'm over it.  Well so I am exhausted now - I need to go to sleep.  Oh boy - my teacher doesn't love me dear blog - however not?  Who cares.  I guess I am growing in the direction of warmth.  What?  I mean it's not fun to pine for someone who isn't interested.  Oh my GOD I need to sleep - I love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Hi.

That's all I have time for today - I actually had to work here today at the boutique - hello.  Okay - bye.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Better.

The day was okay - I came home to a check for an acting job I did in October and how AMAZING is that?  Not only that but I went back to that meeting around the corner from my apartment where that creepy man rubbed me.  I took back my power and Larni told me if he comes near me again all I have to do is say "Boundaries - no" to him.  Haha - or just not interact with him.  Oh my GOD - okay.  The job is so sexually charged - it's SO FUN.  Now - what - I have to go - I have stuff to work on and I need to get myself ready for my work week at the boutique and my audition and class.  I have to say I'm really not sure about me and comedy.  Maybe it's not meant to be or at least not meant to be the way I'm doing it.  My acting totally went up a notch by taking this class - right?  So I feel like something has to happen with my comedy.  Maybe I could meet one on one with some teachers - some women I respect.  I have to push past something I can feel it.  I'm lost.  Okay - so - okay - let's do this.  I need to call my sponsor and - call her.  Okay - I love you Bluebie bye.

Am I getting depressed?

I feel a little depressed or a lot - why am I even lying?  This is anonymous (mostly) and what's the fucking point of lying?  It's early and I'm awake - it smells like cigarettes in here and I keep saying to myself "It's not happening to me it's just happening."  I keep practicing acceptance but it's so annoying and gross.  Every Sunday night.  All the time - ugh.  I have to go waitress and - I don't know - what am I doing?  This is so ridiculous.  I'm getting so out of shape and - well - why am I writing this?  How have they not sent me on one more audition from that place?  How do I have no shows this week?  How am I so lost?  I'm so old what is the point?  I mean I'm really starting to think this is really ridiculous.  I have no drive.  I'm fucking exhausted.  Okay - whatever - 4 steps forward - 3 steps back - I need to drink coffee bye.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Bored out of my fucking mind.

I am so fucking bored - what is happening?  I went to work today and it was quiet - I worked downstairs with this young guy who is cute - so sweet - not attracted to him but every time he stood near me I got so turned on and it was so totally confusing.  Then - then I got out of work 3 hours earlier than I usually do and had nothing to do.  I ugh - am so bored.  I felt so much better after my meeting - SO much better and then I went to rehearse and that was so fun.  I don't have any shows this week -  I have an audition.  I could have gone to a dance class or even - another meeting - HELLO - or I could have written.  I went to a diner but they wouldn't let me sit in a booth and I got mad and walked away.  UGH.  UGHHHHH.  I just feel so frustrated.  SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED.  I'm just lost and kind of all over the place.  You know what that means right????  TIME TO READ THIS MONTH'S HOROSCOPE!!!!!  I will never get over that sponsor telling me "We can never talk about horoscopes - ever - I can't talk about that."  That being said I'm going to read mine RIGHT NOW AND GET SOME MEDIOCRE AND/OR MAGICAL STAR ADVICE.  Anger.  It's what I'm made of.  I love you Bluebie bye.