Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Breakfast.

This is what I had for breakfast......first I ate a banana.  Then after I meditated I had celery juice.  Then I waited 20 minutes, wrote in my journal and ate puffed rice cereal with raspberries, blueberries and vanilla almond milk Without sugar.  AND I STILL FEEL LIKE A VICTIM.  What the fuck is that??  It is beautiful outside and I am in my home and doing what I love.  I do think I'm a little dehydrated but other than that - no reason to be bonkers and a victim except that I am supposed to be writing.  I am doing this talk next week and I haven't done it yet.  Not prepared, not ready, haven't written it.  I guess that I don't want to since I am not doing it.  I have rehearsal tonight so I am blaming that for the reason why I am not writing right now.  Yesterday I literally did EVERYTHING to avoid writing including exercising and doing the dishes.  I DID THE DISHES 3 TIMES.  That's how much I was avoiding it.  I don't even know why - I love it - but I guess for this I just feel completely unqualified.  It's all doctors on the panel except for well - 3 of us - 3 survivors who are telling our stories.  So okay.  Right.  How about I check them out - check everything out.  I did start doing research the other day so it's okay.  I am not supposed to sound or be a doctor.  It's just 10 minutes and my brother said he would look at it after I write it.  Ugh I feel like I am going to puke except honestly it's fine.  It's different for me and not my usual thing but I can do it.  Just DO IT.  I can do it.  I can do it.  I want to rest.  Well why don't I work on this and then rest.  There we go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, May 24, 2019

Bummer.

My friend got me an amazing audition - big casting director - awesome, awesome gig.  I did my best but I was not on my game yesterday - I was tired and hung-over emotionally from the show I had Wednesday and stressing out about it.  I was nervous and I haven't been to a lot of auditions - and even though I have been performing a shit ton it's a completely different muscle.  So.  So there you go.  Oh wait I didn't say what my point was.  I didn't do great.  I made them laugh but it threw me off.  Ha!  I did the job then got thrown off.  Anyway so I left feeling like eh that sucked - I blew it.  Then I sort of thought maybe I had a chance still but then I never heard anything today and it's a holiday weekend and if they wanted me for a callback I think they would have asked for me.  So that sucks.  I took care of myself and I am taking care of myself.  I'm getting new picture tomorrow and then we have a couple days off and that's glorious.  I'm so sad about this but this is how this business goes and it's okay - it's just uncomfortable.  I can be uncomfortable.  I really can.  I was hoping if I wrote about it I could move past it.  Here's the great news - I got that audition and they liked my stuff.  So that is fucking awesome.  Here's the other thing....I wasn't hung over or a mess.  Also who the fuck knows - maybe I was awesome and they didn't like my hair or my shoes.  Who knows.  I just want to enjoy my weekend and my life.  I have had a wonderful week and I am really feeling better.  It's so nice outside right now - it's beautiful Spring weather so it's all good.  I really need to make money so I was so so hoping this would get that started but I guess it's not yet.  So I am just letting go and turning it over to God.  It's so hard to do.  I just want right now to be working.  I am I'm just not getting paid.  So.  So I'm not sure what the lesson is but I know to just let go.  I have to get in the shower!!  I have had this hair color in my hair for so long!!!!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Barf.

I am a tiny bit of a mess so I am writing to get myself as straight as possible.  To get it all out and get myself ready for this show tonight.  I have been super stressed about it because I always get stressed about these shows I produce and it's just become too much.  It feels so awful.  I am also hormonal form the instant menopause although I am finding relief in exercise - which I am going to do once I am done writing on here and getting my set ready.  It's okay - I don't feel nearly as sick as I felt this time last year and a couple years ago I felt even worse when I was hormonal.  Last year I was sick from the chemo and 2 years ago I was sick from cancer and hormones.  So okay - so I don't have that.  Wonderful!  Also I have an even stronger program and so much help.  I'm eating better too which also helps so much.  So okay.  Okay.  I don't know what to say - I'm upset.  I am trying to be positive but I have been producing this show for 3 years and it just isn't growing.  And I always get stressed about shows but this is like - SUPER stress and I - OH MY GOD.  Okay I am not going to spend my energy like this.  It's fine.  I am fine.  I am going to put my exercise clothes on and exercise and then get ready.  Bring water and tea and snacks.  I am going to look as nice as I can and do my best and jus that's it.  I guess the exercise clears my head too - that's what it does.  It's like it cleans out the negative thoughts.  So let's go do this.  Love you Bluebie bye.  PS the big show was GREAT!!

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Big Show

Bi show tonight.  I'm so fucking nervous.  I have also been applying for other babysitting gigs and it's - stressing me out.  So far 2 women have been super aggressive with me and then seemingly dropped the ball.  Which is weird and I am worried that they watched my comedy and then they were like not thanks.  Oh my God - I just thought - what if they didn't think I was funny and then dropped the ball?  Gross.  Anyway it doesn't matter - I am going to find something and it's going to be great - meanwhile I have this show to focus on.  Also - people are flaky - I am really going to be super kind to myself and say that this has nothing to do with me.  Right - how can it?  I have never even met these people in real life!  So it's all good.  Meanwhile I am so fucking nervous.....In fact I should probably just go and get ready.  My hair takes forever to dry.  It's growing like a weed.  I just got so sleepy.  Deep calm breaths.  Holy shit I could fall asleep.  Which means either I am tired or I am forgetting something.  Whoa.  Gotta go.  Will let you know how tonight goes!!!  Love you Bluebie bye.!

Monday, May 13, 2019

Brrrrrrr....

It's freezing!  I mean it' really cold.  Luckily because the chemo made me go instantly into menopause - I run much warmer now and so I am not as sensitive to the cold.  Life is strange.  So I still have a lot going on and I am trying to calm down so I thought I would write on here real quick.

I have a big show this week and I am excited and nervous.  So I am working on that and I need/want to work on that right now but as I said above I am trying to calm down because I am getting over-stimulated.  We had a lovely weekend - so so nice - even though my Mom got drunk and that was upsetting...BUT - you have never seen a more lady-like drunk.  ANYWAY.  I already spoke to my alanon sponsor this morning and I really need to stay focused right now so I am not going to get into it.  Oooo - I just got hungry.  Anyway.....I am okay.  Right now today.  Yesterday I went for a jog with my guy and then he kept jogging while I walked back to the house and I was thinking about healing.  Thinking about how intelligent our bodies are and how they want to heal.  I thought about giving my body healing messages and loving thoughts so it can do it's job of healing.  My hair is changing - from super tight curls to the top of it straightening out again - which is how my hair was before.  There is something called Chemo Curls that happens - where your hair grows back in curly and mine certainly did.  But it's changing - which means the chemo is leaving my body and even though that is wonderful it is also scary because then my body is on it's own.  But I want to and am going to, trust my body that it can take care of itself.  Especially if I give it loving thoughts, restful sleep and healthy food and supplements.  And breathe.  I am going to breathe and enjoy my life and love and take care of myself.  And for some reason writing helps me to do that.  I just wrote in my journal before this and before I started to write I was spinning and getting really over-stimulated and just uncomfortable and crazy.  Now after writing on here and in my journal I feel so much better.  Much more calm and in my body.  Not quite centered but much more present.  Okay deep breath - I got this.  What a challenge.  What an unbelievable challenge I have been given.  To live.  My challenge is to live, live well and be well.  I am so tired and it's 10:42 am.  Ha!  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, May 10, 2019

The Green Plate.

Not a cookbook name.  I am going to tell you about last night.  First of all I will tell you right now it feels like I have a very full plate and maybe I do - in fact - I do.  I have a lot going on and it's wonderful but feels overwhelming.  I'm still recovering from chemo and I am tired.  Okay well - okay.  Today I went to therapy and talked to her about money and my lack of it and what I am doing to make more of it and do you know what she said?  She said it helps to talk about it - it relieves the pressure, stress and anxiety of it.  It makes it seem much less like it is something that isn't possible.  I did feel better afterwards but GOD - it's all so uncomfortable.  Also okay.  I have learned to be so much more comfortable being uncomfortable in the right way.  I used to sit for hours and hours with people who I couldn't STAND because I wanted their drugs.  That was uncomfortable in the wrong way.  Now I do things like take the train, then the subway, then walk 15 minutes so I can go to therapy and talk about how difficult it is to be the age I am and have zero dollars.  And what I plan on doing about it.  Even though - I don't want to talk about it.  I also don't want to do anything about it - I want to lay down and REST.  For 5 months in some glorious vacation spot.  I don't even know if that's true.  It's partially true.  I would like to rest more but also - I rest.  I take so much better care of myself than I used to.  I cook super healthy, delicious food.....I take healthy snacks with me.....water...vitamins....supplements.....green drinks.....prayer...meditation....showers!  I take so many showers!  Body brush.  Yeah okay......I sleep and don't go do shows in the middle of the night when I have to be up the next day.....soooooo - about last night....

My guy and I went to go speak at a rehab.  We brought a meeting there actually.  The rehab is located in the hospital where I was diagnosed with cancer.  Ugh.  So we go to this rehab right?  And I start to talk about my story...expecting people to laugh...only no one is laughing.  And every time I looked up to look at someone they shifted their eyes away.  Everyone was in pajamas and had these gigantic sippy cups that were plastic.  There were old people, super young people and everyone was - not okay.  People shared and they were scared and confused and RAW.  It really really really was eye opening to me and it really made me remember I'm an alcoholic and I could be them again at any point.  So yeah - just as I write this I am like - okay I am overwhelmed - okay - fine and a lot of shit has gone done...cancer....treatment....but holy shit - being newly sober was so hard.  I honestly think it was harder than cancer because I was so angry and I felt so alone and outside of myself.  I could never figure out what the fuck was going on and I was so FAR away from any art.  It was heart breaking.  But more than heart breaking it was the ANGER.  It was - awful.  I don't know how else to say it.  I had no tools and the anger kept poisoning me.  I don't even know how I stayed sober but I am so grateful I did.

So I want to keep it green.  I am an alcoholic and my primary purpose is to stay sober and help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety.  So.  So I might have a full plate but I am keeping it a green plate.  I have nothing if I am not sober.  I 100% do not care if that sounds lame it's true. 

So I am going to continue to go to rehabs.  There you go.  Keeping my plate - green.

Byeeeee.

Friday, May 3, 2019

10 Minutes To A More Manageable Life.

That's the name of the book my guy wants to write.  Every time he says it we laugh and I laugh really hard.  I have no idea what it means but I think it's so funny.  I think it might mean - wake up 10 minutes earlier, get places 10 minutes earlier I don't know.  I have to say I have been writing for 10 minutes every day in my journal and it's really helping.  I did already say this last time right?  Anyway I have a ton of things to do today.  It's a super busy weekend and I am blessed to have a nice full life.  I am also blessed that now I feel better!  I am not 100% or really even close - well much closer though but I feel a lot better.  I still have to rest and I can't push myself but I am able to have a day.  Today will be a day and a night!  My acting teacher has a movie about his life coming out and we are going to the premiere.  I am so so excited!!  My other acting teacher made the movie.  I hope it is as magical as they have been in my life and hundreds of other actors.  Thousands?  I mean he's been teaching for 60+ years!!  I just took a poop and then my ankle felt better.  WEIRD.  Anyway I have a show tonight and I need to get ready.  It's been a stressful week with my mother being sick and helping them so I am looking forward to a nice evening with my guy and this movie and a show for me.  I am already so tired but it's a good tired.  Um I feel like I have so much else to say but that's it for now.  As my first acting teacher says I am just going to breathe.  I am so lucky that I have had so many amazing teachers.  Love you Bluebie!