Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I just realized something.

So I meditated, did yoga and ate a healthy meal. Drank my green drink and put my legs upside down. I took my vitamins and supplements and I drank water. Now I really don't feel well! Ugh - I feel like I'm getting a cold but it's okay - I'm resting and it's fine. I've had some swesome quality time with my dog - what a sweetheart. I realized that I get so upset about Larni and my PERCIEVED treatment by him but I have very low self-esteem so I don't expect anyone to treat me well. I also don't trust that the universe will provide me with gratifying art where I get to be appreciated and taken care of so I do his work for free. Don't get me wrong - I love his work and I love being involved in something but it really upset me he didn't pay me the night of the big show and I really feel like I can't say anything and the time has now passed anyway. What the fuck am I saying? I want to feel good about myself and I want respect. What am I saying? He would have paid me if he could have. I just don't think he actually thinks I'm funny. I don't even - ugh I wish I would just get my period already I'm a mess. I need some dinner. Right? I'm shakey. I'm all shakey and ugh - don't feel good. Boris just smoked outside of my room - that couldn't have helped. Great - now I feel sorry for myself. Fuck I'm such a mess.

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