Monday, May 9, 2011

I guess I'm just very sick these days....

I was awoken by construction next door - soooo loud but that's alright - I got enough sleep I suppose. I just - I feel so gross and okay - before I complain and wonder why I am sober since my life is exactly the same only now I'm sober enough to realize how awful this all is - I'm going to say this.....I can't eat all that processed food - it makes me sick. I also need to get a better waitress job or at a different job in general. I also - I have to be patient. I'm bored and I want some results and I want, want, want. I just feel so sick and gross and honestly I look it also. Am I really supposed to believe this is going to get better? There's a huge part of me that just thinks this isn't going to get much better and a huge reason why is my inability to love. I feel like my heart is actually quite cold and closed - towards myself and everyone else. I had a dream last night that I moved and I was trying to pick my bedroom in this big house where other people lived already. I had a boyfriend in the dream because I was trying to figure out how the rooms would look with both our stuff in it. I was so annoyed about all his ugly guy stuff. See - unloving. I am being hard on myself and I'm still recovering from that job over the weekend. I smell cigarettes also - it must be the construction. I just want to shop. That's all and eat and sleep. Oh dear - I have no money and I am fat. The sleep part would be good but it keeps being loud. I'm going to say that this will all shift. It will all change. I just am going to do the best I can today and pray/meditate, eat healthy food, go to therapy, go to my meditation meeting. I will be present in this discomfort and find an alanon meeting I can go to this week. Something will shift and click in to place. For sure. Okay - talk to you later Blueberry.

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